House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 4, Episode 3 - Entropy Is Contagious - full transcript

Marty and Jeannie pitch opposing strategies to a Seattle-based skin care company. Doug, fed up with Sarah's antics, passive-aggressively puts his foot down. Clyde begins discussing a business idea with an unlikely partner.

Previously, on House of Lies...

Jeannie, you're in the clear.

I guess I taught
you well, huh, Jeannie?

You out-Marty'd Marty Kaan.

The fact
that we have to share space

with those douchey
proto-fascist mavericks

makes me want to strap
a bomb to my chest.

If working for me is
such an unspeakable misery,

get another job.

So this is where
you leverage me out.

You're a fucking
phony, Malcolm.

And you're a fucking
sellout, Martin,

but we're still brothers.
I'm pregnant, Marty.

Are you telling me that we're...

After everything between us,

I rekindled something
with Edwin.

I wouldn't have tricked

anybody else into marrying me.

I need to tell you something.

I panicked,

and I... said Edwin.

It's yours.

Can't really get over

everything that's happened,

but we need to just get
through this transition,

and then you should
leave, for good.

? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh... ?

? Dig a little deeper ?

? Been thinking ?

? 'Bout the little thing
you said ?

? Doesn't sink in ?

? And you fought above my head ?

? And I don't think I'm ready
to go in this heavy ?

? I thought we would take it slow ?

? And now you got that feeling ?

? You say that you mean it ?

? But for me I just don't know ?

? Ooh, ooh, ooh ?

? I can't see it,
I don't feel it ?

? I need to dig
a little deeper ?

? I can't say that ?

? I won't say it back ?

? I need to dig
a little deeper ?

? Dig a little deeper ?

? For you, you, for you, you ?

? For you ?
? Ooh, ooh, ooh ?

? Dig a little deeper ?
? For you, you ?

? For ?
? You, you ?

? For ?
? You ?

? Dig a little deeper ?

? Don't feel it in my soul ?

? For you I just don't know ?

? Oh, oh, oh ?

? I just don't know ?

? I can't ?

? I can't see it,
I don't feel it ?

? I need to dig
a little deeper ?

? I can't see it ?

? I don't feel it ?
Fuck it.

? I need to dig
a little deeper ?

? For you, you, for ?
? You, you, for ?

? You ?
? Dig a little deeper. ?

Hey. Lazybones.

Get up

and fuck your ovulating wife.


Use the Fuck Force, Doug.

Oh, um, no, no, no. Uh-uh.

Sweetie, can you not touch him?

Wait... Oh, you've got
two of them?

No, no, no.
It's just...

the value diminishes

But I want to be touched.

I need to be touched.
They don't talk like that.

I will die
without human contact!

Oh, God, you're scraping.
Don't scrape them,

because you'll scratch
the surface. Sarah!

Good morning.

You want breakfast?
Uh, no, I got company.

Big shocker.

I could hear you guys doing it all night.

No, seriously, Marty.

I'm already fucked up enough.



and don't call you Marty.

Well done.

So, you gonna watch Uncle
Malcolm's big debut tonight?

Oh, let me think. No.

Well, he's really
excited about it.

I know.
When baby goes poopy,

we're supposed
to make a big fuss.

It's a big deal to him.
Yeah, but here's the thing.

I'm going to Seattle,

and they just don't have TV yet.

Oh. I didn't
know that.

Yeah, I mean, they're just behind.
Is that right?

They'll catch up.

What is it gonna take, Doug?
Well, it certainly

won't involve depreciating
a valuable investment, Sarah.

This is a toy for a geek.

This? No, no, wrong.
Yes, that.

Incorrect. Uh-uh.
No, these all

are valuable investments--
like-like art or fine wine.

Well, I'm pretty sure fine wine
isn't humiliating

to have all over your house.
What were you doing to her?!

What? I'm just holding it.

Okay, would you prefer I keep
them in an art storage facility?

Oh, man, did you just say
"art storage facility"?

You can't even take them
out of the box. You know that.

And you're touching
everything-- your oily fingers

and the fecal matter all over them.

If I got a black light and I...

Hey, are we gonna get
in this bed... and do it?

- Oh... - Or are you going
to make me be bad teacher?

Miss Pendegast?


She's very mean today.

Well, yes, she has
every right to be.

And I'm so sorry
that I have been

so bad in biology...
Miss Pendegast.

Frankly, Douglas, your
grades have been perverted.

Well, is there anything I can do
to get my grades... up?

We acquired it
at three bucks a share

and dumped it at $240.

So yeah, there can be
some collateral damage,

but when you're profit-taking
in the billions... shit happens.

God, I love when you
use the "B" word.

So when are you gonna

rape and pillage my company?

Mm. I think I'm gonna stick
to raping and pillaging you.

Whoa, don't threaten me
with a good time.

Oh, I will.
I will flip this table over right now.

I'll make it happen.

Well, no, seriously,
though, I mean...

why wouldn't Global want to
acquire a company like mine?

With this Gage account coming
in, all this attention,

we're gonna be fucking huge.

No, no, educate me.

unlike its namesake, your
company is ultimately... teensy.

Oh, that's a dick reference.

Mmm. Yeah, that's right.
Got it.

Okay, well, I'll just escape
with the compliment, then.

I mean, if I could take Kaan and
Associates and, like, ten other

management firms
and put them in a blender

and strain the fat, then maybe.

Okay, so you're saying
if K and A were part of a...

delicious management consultancy

Mmm. Yummy.



Hey, Doug.
Oh, hey.

Well, you know, not much.

Not much.

What's wrong with you?

Like a Muppet.
This is between me and Kelsey.

Right. Okay. So, how's it going
at the day care center?

Hey... guy whose name
I don't remember,

you're awesome,
or whatever, but I made

a solemn vow, like,
six months ago

not to date any assholes
for a year, so...

mark your calendar.
Why don't we

slow down there, Peter Pan.
What would give you

the impression
that I want to date you

in the first place?
I mean...

you're not even
in my arousal template.

- Bye, Doug.
- Bye.

You're n... she's not
in my arousal template.

- You know that for a fact.
- Hey.

Tom and Jerry.

Oh, and by the way,

Peter Pan is not
a put-down, Clyde.

I think you're
forgetting Cathy Rigby.

I would tap that.
Oh, yes.

Peter Pan is a boy-- so you
want to have sex with a boy?

No. Uh-uh. No, no, she is a girl
who looks like a boy. Okay?

Let's talk brand
analysis for Krolls.

I don't think we can walk
in there and just wing it.

Yeah, so I pulled
their P-and-L's.

They're very solid, okay?

I've put together
a plug-and-play,

did a SWOT analysis...
I would kind of like

to run it against the
Five Forces Analysis.

Hey, kiddies, I got it, okay?

Okay, do you want to share it?

Just draft off my Mensa shit.

You know, I actually have
some ideas of my own.

I know that might shock you.

You know, when
Mommy and Daddy fight,

it hurts me
in my no-no place.

Your n... your dick.
It hurts you in your dick.

Yes, my dick.
Okay, Krolls...

beloved folksy
skin-care line-- good--

has plateaued-- bad--
and they are looking

to K and A, now that we're
all shiny and new again,

to lead them
to the promised land.



The upside is that this
engagement is wide open, okay?

We can write our own ticket.
You really don't care

about my input on this
engagement, do you?

Define "care."

Their brand health

is excellent, okay?

And all their survey metrics
around intent to purchase

are off the charts.
They're on the charts,

and skin care is a
red ocean, Martin.

We just need to demonstrate

that their current
management structure--

with, you know, a little
assistance from K and A--

can convert their brand
to rock star status.

That's it.
Or, conversely, we can encourage them

to sell to a major,
do some profit-sharing

and enjoy their house in the San Juan Islands.

Oh, my God!
Dude, you can't...

You hit me in the balls!

Thank you, by the way, Jeannie.
Thank you for all this.

Fuck you, Clyde.
No, no, no, I think

it's important to give
credit where credit is due,

and you're the
unwitting architect

of our new austerity program,

so thank you again for all of this.
Okay. You know what?

Once Marty and I sew up
the Gage account,

your balls will be back
in first, you dick.

- Thank you.
- No, hey, hey,

hey, hey, no, uh-uh--
I called Marty Shotgun.

Why do you always
get Marty Shotgun?

He doesn't want
to sit next to you, Doug.

Why not? You're the asshole.
Says a tattooed code writer.

Okay? And asshole
is way better than

utterly intolerable.

Do you really think
I'm an asshole?

Yeah. But that's kind of
your brand, you know?

People see you
and they're like, "Oh, look,

"it's Clyde, what an asshole,
what a great...

asshole." Yeah.

Am I really intolerable?


So, we know Krolls has
deep brand equity.

Mm-hmm. Now, with 30% awareness,
with $20 million per point,

that's $600 million
in brand equity,

just for marketing
and brand recognition alone.

That's excluding valuations

of inventory and infrastructure,

which, based
on our statistical models,

that's another $500 million.

We're looking
at a very valuable brand here.

Always nice to hear, but how do
we take it to the next level?

You double down, Daddy.


We make Krolls
an entertainment brand.

Okay, we push awareness
into the stratosphere

with celebrity endorsements,

big media tie-ins.

Major brick-and-mortar

Look, listen, you guys are going
to kick the ass of every

skin-care line out there, okay,

because you are utterly unique
in the marketplace.


you sell to a huge

you make about 800 million
shitloads of money,

you let us walk you through
the transition, and you

enjoy being grandparents,
enjoy your lives.

You live a little.

What's the point of running
yourself into the ground?

You guys have built
something amazing already.


you can take this
amazing company

that you've already built
and see it to fruition...

This is a graph of
awareness investment erosion.

Say you go Marty's way
and it costs

$100 million each to launch
five line extensions,

giving you a five-point bump
in awareness,

which is really only
a $20 million profit,

given the current 24% margin,

so Marty's plan

is a great way
to lose $80 million fast.


In all fairness,
this is just theoretical.

We haven't really run it through
our... all of our metrics.

Also very interesting.

So, Jeannie,

are you going to be running
point on this project?

I would certainly... I...

It's... Marty,
would I be running point?

Or... am I out on the street?

Get your cardboard box ready.

No, no. No, no.

This is... this is it, though.

Consulting at its best.

Very spirited exchange of ideas.

This is how we take
a great company like yours

and push it to be even greater.

I mean, this, all of this,
we-we hope

this demonstrates
how Kaan and Associates

can help your company to really
reach its apotheosis.

So, let's just do this.

Let's regroup tomorrow,
and we will present you with

our very detailed
brand strategy.

I think... I-I think you're
going to be amazed.

I really do.


? And some may cry ?

? And some may bleed ?
Ooh. Yeah.

? You're waging wars inside of me... ?

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

One more round of absinthe,
thank you, sir.

Drink 'em slow.
They're deadly.

Uh, I think I know
a little something

about absinthe, my friend.

It's hallucinogenic.
I tell people,

'cause there's a tendency
to creep up on 'em...

I just said I know all about it.

Like that.
It's happening already.

He's not listening, you know?

I don't even like absinthe,

and I will drink anything
that makes me forget.

Do you know what Oscar Wilde
said about absinthe?

I do.
I wasn't asking you, guy!

You're probably going to want
to get out of the line of fire.

You know you made
a mistake, right?

He's wearing
his fighting glasses.

He said the first glass
of absinthe

makes you see things the way
you wish they were.

And after the second,

you see thing
the way they are not.

They're not.

well, then you see things
the way they really are,

and that, my friends,

that is the most horrible thing
of all.

To you, absinthe.

You do know that's
a sipping drink, right?

You're about to get a brick in the face.
I know how to drink absinthe, man.

Gunning for...
Marty. Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty.


I think it's pretty clear what
Sister Meghan is talking about.

There's a complete
and total denial

of the essential Black
Experience in White America.

Mr. Kaan, I'm
not going to sit here

and be goaded
into a conversation

about racial injustice
in America

simply because you cannot
rebut my point.

Oh, wow.

Wow. No, the point is,

White America and white folk
are just tired of hearing it.

My own brother, Martin,

sat in a federal prison
for six months

because our patriarchal, uh,
kangaroo court system

denied him due process!

Well, I know we all
certainly look forward

to watching this on cable news
for the next month.

? Oh, oh, oh, oh ?

? You shake
and rattle my bones ?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, we're definitely
going to need beverages now.

? Why do you break me down so? ?

? Oh, oh, oh, oh ?

? You shake
and rattle my bones ?

? Oh, oh, oh, oh ?

? Why do you break me down so? ?

? Oh, oh, oh, oh ?

? You shake
and rattle my bones ?

? Oh, oh, oh, oh,
why do you break me down so? ?

Right, because, you know,

it used to make for
great sex, always,

but then it gets to a point,
then it's just too crazy.

You know, and the baby thing.

Now she's just,
"We, we, we, we."

She's giving funny voices
to my action figures.

Action figures?

Action figures.

You have action figures?

Yeah. Really?
That's shocking to you?


They're valuable
collector's items, Clyde.

Yeah, it's true.
I've never even

taken them out of the...
out of the packaging.

Oh, that makes it much less pathetic.

Still in the packaging.
That's not even the worst of it, man.

Go, go.
Oh, please tell me.

Ugh, I can't shake this feeling.

Maybe I'm crazy, um, but

I get this feeling that she
might murder me in my sleep.

Do you get that vibe?
I could see it.

You know what? If I was going to murder you,

that's when I would do it.
That's what I think she's thinking.

And with the arrests
and everything...

I'm sorry.

What did you say? What did you just say?
Stop it.

It's not funny, Clyde.

It's kind of funny.
It's not.

No. She has a very alarming

and real history of, uh,
nude stalking.

Nude stalking.

Yes, nude stalking.

No, no, no, Marty.

Nude stalking.
Don't tell people that.

I shouldn't have even told you.

But now that I have...

You might as well keep going.

She was arrested in the yard
of an ex-boyfriend

au naturel.

Twice. She's even done some
time at UCLA Psychiatric.

Quick question: Of course that's
the same boyfriend for both times?

Two different boyfriends.

That's serial nude stalker.

Serial nude stalker.

Oh, fuck.
What's happening?

I just came a little bit.

I got too excited 'cause
you said serial nude...

If it was one person.
No, I get it, I get it.

Sensitive, sensitive, sensitive.

Yep. I have to confront her.

I do. It's clear to me.
I have to confront her.

You're going to confront her, Doug?
Sweet, sweet Doug. Come on.

You're the most passive-aggressive
motherfucker I ever met.

There's no way you're
going to confront her.

I mean, not directly.

Oh, okay, would a
passive-aggressive motherfucker

text somebody so they don't have
to talk to them face-to-face?

That's... that's actually
the defini...

That's a passive-aggressive
text confrontation.

Okay, then yeah.
Fine, I'm not arguing with you.

And guess what I'm doing,

'cause I'm going
to tell her right now.

I have to.
Things have got to change.

And she's got to stop
being so fucking crazy.

I'm going to say that.

text confrontation.

I can't believe I'm going to do
this, 'cause this goes against

everything that we believe in, but...
Do it.

maybe you don't text her. Maybe...
Oh, no.

Oh, no, come on.
This is...

Oscar Wilde was right.

I'm finally seeing things

for the very first time.

Yeah. No, no, no.
It's time for Doug to take care of Doug.

Goddamn right.

That's right. Hey, man,
my wife is cray-cray, yo.

Yeah, he gets it.

No, he's fine.
He's fine.

That's a first draft.
Let him keep going.

Dios m?o.

Doug, are you serious?

Don't text that last part.
Doug, this is

a novel.
Hold up, hold up.

Did you mean to say,

"You are a crazy country"?

It's auto correct, but
the word's still in there.

The word... the first part
of that word makes sense.

If she reads it out loud,
she'll get it.

I'll fix that.

Dude, this is
unbelievably harsh.

How about this?
We go back to the hotel,

we think about it, we
probably don't send it.

Hold on a second.
Do you think that she's going

to get the part here
where you say you feel like

Oscar Wilde sitting in a cafe

on the Left Bank having an epiphany?

She'll get the gist.
It seems a little arch.

I can't make it any clearer
than that, Marty.

Fuck it, send it.

Yeah, send it.
If you're an idiot, send it.

Well, then so it shall be.

Don't, you know, like...

You just send it?

Did you just send the text?

Yeah, which... I pushed
that button there.

That's send. That'll send it.
Yeah, that's send.

You can't unsend something once you...?
No, no.

I don't feel good.
That's regret.

- Is that what it is? Okay.
- Yeah.

Do you want
some more alcohol, maybe?

Yes. Oh, good idea.

Yeah, one more round of
absinthe, barkeep.

But you can't unsend once...?

That's what I thought.

Hey, Doug?

Can you smell this and tell me
if you want to throw up from it.


Oh, God, Clyde, stop it.

Oh, shit.

Good morning.
Good morning.

Are you ready
to get your brand on?

Yeah, well,
that's the thing, Marty.

Mr. Kroll, if I could
just stop you, please.

We've... we've traveled a...
traveled a long way

and we really understand
this company.

If you just give us
an opportunity...

We thought your exploration
of our company

was insightful, fresh, honest.

Excellent. Excellent.

And now, when we really
start to drill down...

There's not going to be
any drilling down, Marty.

Well, hold on a second.

Why not? I mean, you
haven't seen us drill yet.

We are excellent drillers.

He was voted most likely
to drill.

Show him, Doug. Show him.

He will get
to the bottom of this.

Your ideas are in direct conflict with Ms.
Van der Hooven's.

And that is simply

A company

at war within itself
is not a company

with which we can do business.

Let me stop
you there for a second.

I think the purpose of having
two different points of view...

Mr. and Mrs. Kroll,
we really need this job.

Personally, I'm going through
a tough time right now.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Entropy is contagious.

Doug's been very offensive.
He has?

Yes. He has! He has!

Show him, Fish Head.

Okay. Uh, I know women are meant
to be loved and understood,

but, Sarah, your destructive
behavior has plagued...

Oh, really? It's been me?

Don't do that to yourself, girl.

I'm sorry. It's not me.

It's not just me.

That's right. It's not just you.

That makes me very mad.
That makes me very mad, too.

Makes me mad.

I'm sorry that's happening
to you, my darling.

Thank you. What do you think,
Sparkle Cape?

I don't know, Fish Head.
What do you think?

I think that we should
F Doug in the A!


Oh, hey.

Hey, it's me,
the asshole, remember?

Yeah. I'm sorry.

That was actually kind of
asshole-ish of me.

Yeah, I wasn't even trying to
hit on you before, by the way.

At least I don't think
I was trying to hit on you.

I can't tell anymore.

what do you guys do
over here anyway?

Ah, we make magic.

Yeah, sorry. That was an
asshole thing to say.

Do you do any tech consulting?

Actually, that's
kind of my thing. Why?

Well, I have an idea for an app,

but these douche bags
are just too busy

spending all the VC
on sushi to even listen.

Oh, lucky for you, I hate sushi,

and I would love
to hear your idea.

What is it?

Okay, um...

It's called "Housecallz."

It's basically Uber,
but with doctors.

With doctors. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Delivered to your door
on a GPS-based platform.

It's actually kind of
brilliant, Kels.

Thanks, Clyde.

Mm. So, you do
know my name.

Kind of know my name.

Now, can you write that code?

'Cause, if so, I can calculate
the optimal price points,

and I can help you get
this off the ground.

That is, if you'll
let me help you.

I've actually already
written that code,

while the brain trust were busy
practicing their backside airs.

Something terrible's gonna
happen in three, two, one.

So, look, I think something
terrible's happened.

I-I was just down
getting my mochaccino,

like I always do--
the special one

with the almond milk...
Finish. I don't care. I don't care.

Right. So, my ATM
card didn't work,

and then my credit
card didn't work.

So, I'm thinking that maybe
there's something wrong with

the magnetic strips, like if my
cell phone, too close to my...

Well, have you maybe
checked your bank account?

After all that rage-texting
you did to your wife last night.

You don't think that maybe...?

What does that mean?
What are you talking about?

Don't be a fucking asshole.
What does that mean?

Don't call me a fucking asshole.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Did you really
black out last night?

You don't remember the texting at all?

You don't remember the nude stalking?
Hey! Shh!

How do you know about that?

How do you know that?
The lecture on absinthe?

Why don't you check
your text messages?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.

Oh, my God. Sarah.

My money!

Excuse me. Sarah!



Where's the part
where you rip me a new one

for blowing the gig?

Ah, you know.

Mm, I don't think I do, Marty.


You know, since
you're transitioning

out of here anyway...

I mean, I don't see the point
in making a big deal about it.

So, that's it?


Uh, yeah. I mean,
don't... don't do it again.

After I told you that I am
carrying your baby, I'm...

I kind of can't believe
that you have no reaction.

This... This is...

This is my reaction.

Hey, Roscoe.

How was school, buddy?

It was a'ight.

Yeah. A'ight.

How was Seattle?

Oh, it was amazing.

Uh, I had Starbucks on
the Space Needle with Pearl Jam.

Damn, you live the good life.

Holy shit.

It's the hunky Cornell West.

Ah, somebody's been reading
my press.

Oh, somebody just won't
stop sending it to me.

You really
can't miss it.

Well, he's quite
the self-promoter.

So, uh, did you see the
shout-out I gave you last night?

I did.

That was so awesome. You know,
I really loved the part

where you outed my prison time

to millions of people
who had no idea.

It's gonna help the business
so much, Pops.

Whoa. Don't do the crime if you
can't do the time, playboy.


Anyway, I was just telling Pop
and Roscoe about my sizzle reel

for the show that I'm
pitching to MSNBC.

It's the shit.

I'm-I'm sure it's the shit.
Be sure to include

in your sizzle reel
how you exploit your family

for your own personal gain,
'cause that's a crowd pleaser.

You know, maybe...
you know, maybe

if you didn't take the fall
for your baby mama Jeannie.

You remember her, right?

Yeah, maybe things
would have turned out

a little differently, Marty.

I forgot the Parmesan.

I'm gonna...
No, it's okay. It's okay.

We're good.

It's okay.

Why'd you tell him, Dad?

Well, he is your brother, Marty.

Are-are you sure?

Well, shit, I apologize.
I didn't know

that you didn't tell him.
Yeah, you should, Malcolm.

You got a big fucking mouth.
You got a big...

Shut the fuck up, Dad!


Stop trying to do
damage control.

The damage is done.

Okay, I mean,

your narcissism wins again.
Okay, okay.

I mean, it's bigger than all of us, Dad.
Listen, listen.

I was trying to find
the right time to tell you.

I didn't want it
to just get blurted out.

Dad, you don't get to control
how the world happens

for me anymore.
You don't get to just

set down all the land mines
and decide when I step on them.

Look, little man, Uncle Malcolm
would never just...

I'm not your little man,

You're a crappy uncle, okay,
and, Dad, you know,

I love Jeannie, I do.

I probably would have been super
happy about this whole thing

if you would have had
the balls to tell me.

Roscoe, we really were

starting to tell you...
Shut up, Grandpa.

Hey! Hey!

I mean, I can't believe you knew

about this information,
and you still didn't...

You know, forget it.

You guys are a bunch
of fucking cowards.

You better...
Okay, sit down.

Sit down. Sit down.

I'm not sitting down.
I said sit down!

Now, no. No.

You don't get to take your
family down like this.

We've all been through
some tough times.

All of us.

But that's what family
is, that's what this is,

and sometimes, it's
a fucking disaster.

But we go through that
fucking disaster together.

That's what family is.

And you don't ever get...

to tell me to shut up.

Do you understand me?

Yes, sir.


Forget it!

Pop, Pop, Pop, Pop.


Let him go.





Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Shit. Oh, shit.

She broke the seal.


Oh. Oh, God.

She broke the seal.

? This is a song
about somebody else ?

? So don't worry yourself,
worry yourself ?

? The devil's right there,
right there in the details ?

? And you don't want to
hurt yourself, hurt yourself ?

? By looking too closely ?

? By looking too closely ?

? No, no, no, no ?

? And I could be wrong
about anybody else ?