House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 4, Episode 2 - I'm a Motherf**King Scorpion, That's Why - full transcript

My name is Marty Kaan, and
I'm a management consultant.

I took the plea deal so I could
get back to work faster.

So let's just go through
the financials...

Marty, I'm pregnant.

After everything between us,

I rekindled something with
an old college beau, Edwin.

What I'm getting from
Kaan and Associates is shit.

Go fuck yourself
and your lousy business.

You know we can't
afford to lose even

this shitty account, right?
We're broke, completely broke.

Are you nuts, dude? Haven't
you worked for him before?



I never had a problem
with Monica.

Is that Ellis Hightower?

Our boy,
Ellis Gage Hightower,

godhead of electric cars.

This guy's got a lot of money.

- Hey, brother. - And I plan
to take a lot of his money.

This piece of business is

our ticket out of the shit shed.

We need to just get
through this transition,

and then you should
leave... for good.

I just don't think that, uh...

Do we really want to do this?

Are you fucking kidding me?

We already talked about this.
Yeah, I know.



I just think we may
have more perspective

when you get back from
your sister's, don't you?

Oh, speaking of which,
if you wanted

to get a sandwich before
you make your flight.

You are such a pussy sometimes.

Well, I am what I eat.

No, Doug, please, just ask her.
Okay.

Please...

Hey... there she is.

Hi.

Hi.

So, uh, how's it going?

How, uh, how, you know,
how you doing?

It's Joey from Friends.
Do you remember that show?

Good show.
Doug, just...

Yeah, um...

So, Jeannie, listen, uh...

do you remember, uh, how Sarah
lost her job eight months ago?

I know, fuck Obamacare, right?

Didn't you work at
a veterinary clinic?

Yeah.
Yeah.

But regardless, um,
having her around more.

Boy, oh, boy, it's been great.

Just so great, lo, these...
these many, many months.

Ow.

And it gave her
a chance to nest.

Filling the nest, however,
well, that has proved elusive.

Fertility treatments,
countless specialists,

and still you can hear
a big old echo

in that uterus of hers, huh?

Hello, hello, hello.

Okay, also, you know,

his little men are not exactly
Michael Phelps.

Eh, inconclusive.
It's...

Anyway, we were
wondering if, um...

and we totally understand
i-if you don't want to,

but if there was any chance
that you didn't want,

or were thinking about...
Are you asking me for my baby?

Oh... my God,
I think he is.

No, he couldn't possibly.

No offense to you and Edwin...

Well, you've never
met Edwin, so...

Mother and father
on opposite coasts.

Yeah, it's not good.

That's sad to me.
Yes, I'm...

You know, I think
a baby needs stability.

Which the baby would
get with you and Doug?

I do. I think
that that's actually

a very attractive offer.
Is it?

Maybe you don't know this, but
babies come with many hassles.

Oh, and you could come
visit at any time you wanted.

No? Okay. Scheduled visits. That's...
No.

Please never let
this moment end.

- Do you have your video recording device?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, I do.
- Let's get this happening.

What we would love for you to do
is take time and think about it. - Yeah.

I'm not giving you my baby.

You are so fucking selfish.

And you are so fucking
bat-shit crazy.

Oh, Jeannie,
what's the big deal?

Just give 'em the baby.

- It's not like it's a baby.
- We all know

that you are bound
to be a terrible mother.

Oh, you do?
Yeah. Doug, back me up.

Doug, back me up.
Uh...

Ah...
Pick a side, Doug.

I-I don't know if
you'll be great.

Terrible!

Terrible.
So, maybe be wise and

think of us as like preemptive
Child Protective Services.

- Ooh.
- All right,

I'm gonna get some
work done now.

This has been very interesting.

She doesn't even want it.

Yeah? I'll try that.

Um, so, look, I mean,
you probably

don't even want the baby.

I want the baby, Doug.

Okay, well, I know
you have to say that

in front of people,

but between you and me...
I want the baby.

You do.
You've left a path of shattered lives.

What's one more, right?
Oh, good.

So we're on the same page.
Oh, oof!

And that could be a good place
to edit our stuff together.

I don't see how it could get
any better than that. - Yeah.

We will find Doug's body chopped
up in a freezer one day, yeah?

Hm. Fingers crossed.

How's Roscoe?

How's Roscoe?

"He's good, Jeannie.
How's your mom?"

"You know,
she's still a cunt."

Oh, okay, so I'm
the asshole here.

No, you...

Look, you asked me
to leave, I'll leave.

I just don't see the harm

in us h-having
an innocuous conversation.

You still don't think
I meant what I said, hmm?

I just wanted
to know how Roscoe was.

Um...

Roscoe used to have
this book of fables.

Now, he always wanted me
to read him this book

about a girl who lost her
stuffed animal or some shit.

But anyway, I liked the fables.

And, uh, they had this one
about a scorpion and a frog.

You familiar with it?

Um...

So, this scorpion asks this frog

to carry it across a stream
or something, whatever.

And, uh, the frog is, like,

"No way, man.
You're gonna sting me."

And the scorpion
assures the frog

that this is in neither
of their best interests.

"I mean, I kill you,
I drown, right?"

So, the frog sees
the wisdom in this,

and the scorpion hops on
his back, boom, off they go.

Then midstream, sure enough.

Scorpion stings the frog.

And as they both start to sink,

the dying frog
manages a weak, "Why?"

And the scorpion says,

"'Cause I'm a motherfucking
scorpion, that's why."

I mean, I paraphrased
it slightly.

You're a dishonest
person, Jeannie.

And I get dishonesty.

I mean, I do, of course, but...

yours doesn't seem
to have an off switch.

Now, I may end up drowning,

but it's not gonna be
because of you.

Okay, in the morning,
you have exactly 90 minutes

to take a shower, get dressed,
make your bed, and then,

you go to work, and you want to
make sure that you get ever...

Listen, Gabe, I don't need you
to give me every goddamn detail.

Marty, look, when
I first got here,

I had this cellmate
who was a meth dealer.

He was just a total dick.

I kept thinking to myself,
"How'd this guy make any sales

with that kind of
bedside manner?"

Anyway, I told myself
when I got a new cellmate,

I'd do things differently.

So, new cellmate...

...what's your work detail?

Prison garden.

Oh, man.

Get out.

That's where I work, too.
How awesome is that?

It's pretty awesome.

Yeah, it is pretty awesome.

Oh, guess who also works
in the garden-- look.

Am I supposed to know
who the fuck you're pointing at?

The guy with the glasses.

Oh. Okay.
Okay.

That's Ellis Hightower.

You know, we planted carrots
in the garden the other day.

It's no biggie, it's whatever.

Do you want to meet him?

No, not really.

It's Ellis Hightower.

Wow. Rich businessman.

You throw a stick, you fucking
hit ten of 'em in here.

Okay, Ellis is not
a rich businessman.

He's a preeminent genius
of our time.

And I'm not just talking
about electric cars, okay?

He's made amazing strides
in artificial intelligence.

You know, ten years
from now, thanks to Ellis,

your barber is going
to be a robot.

The guy who makes your
coffee is gonna be a robot.

The greeter at your
Gap is gonna...

Don't tell me-- robot.

You know what?
Can I ask you something?

How long before all these, uh,

baristas and barbers
rise up and kill everybody?

People mock
what they don't understand.

Okay. Oh.

Hey, man. Uh...

It's cool.

All right, catch you later, pal.

That was embarrassing.

Hey, Marty?

Marty, are you up?

Marty, are you up?

Ooh... God.

I take full responsibility
for what I did.

Performing unnecessary
root canals

for the insurance
money is wrong,

even if your practice
is struggling.

Touching a boob while a patient
is under-- also, not okay,

no matter how pretty she is.

Still, getting sent to prison

was a real kick in the
jellybeans, you know?

Hey, Gabe?
Yeah?

I'm trying to get
some sleep here, man.

Oh, my God.
I am sorry.

I'm so...

Then I get here,
and there's Ellis.

You know?

Hello, silver lining.

But, uh, the truth is,
the two of us--

we haven't actually
gotten to know each other.

As far as he's concerned,

I'm invisible.

He doesn't even know I exist.

Yeah, well, hopefully,
he'll come around

before the prison
homecoming dance.

I don't think
that we have a prison...

Okay, okay, I see
what you did there.

That's funny.

You're funny.

I like girls...

and so does Ellis.

You know, apparently, he dated
a swimsuit model for a while.

According to Us Weekly,
she wanted more commitment.

But you can't hold a man
like Ellis Hightower down.

Will you shut the fuck up,
please? Just stop.

Stop talking?

Yeah, stop talking.

Especially about some washed-up
asshole like Ellis Hightower.

Okay. Yeah.

Ellis Hightower
is washed-up.

He-He's gonna change the
world, but he's washed-up.

Yeah, he's not gonna
change shit,

especially sitting
on the sidelines

of his own fucking company.

What?

Oh, f... Listen,

we're gonna have a conversation
for a couple seconds

and then we're going the fuck
to sleep, all right?

Right. Conversation,
couple seconds, and F sleep.

The chairman of the board
of Gage Motors...

Dante Valerio.
Yeah, Dante Valerio.

He wants Ellis out.

He's got the votes, okay?

Now, can we get
some sleep, please?

What?

I mean, Ellis must
be freaking out.

That's probably why he's been

so distant lately.
Yeah, that's definitely why.

Right. Okay.
Yeah.

Jeannie, the founder
of your firm is in prison.

We'll only need five minutes.
Float it. What is the worst

that can happen? I get laughed
out of his huge corner office.

Yes, I know we're more
of a boutique firm...

Boutique?
This place is a ghost town.

The only reason
we're having this meeting here

is you can't afford
to buy me lunch.

Okay.

Yes, we took a hit, but...

trimming nonessential staff
and streamlining operations

has actually made us m--

Uh...

sorry, Andrew,
give me one second.

- What? This is important.
- Yeah.

Sorry to interrupt.
Uh, we should really make a move

if we're gonna catch that flight
to Cincinnati.

- Holt Logistics is next week.
- No, we had to move it

to accommodate the consult at
Star Trust Funding, remember?

Oh, shit. Star Trust. Um...
Yeah.

Okay, give me a few
minutes to wrap this up.

Yeah. Course. All right.
Yeah. We'll be over here.

Sorry.
Mm. Wow. Star Trust.

That's the third largest
mortgage lender in the U.S.

We're just doing a top-down
on their information systems.

Obviously, we hope
to impress them to broaden

the scope of the consult, but...
Mm.

Uh, I'm beginning
to question now

whether those orgasms were real.

I'm not following you.
Should I call Star Trust?

Are you accusing me of...
I'm not accusing you of lying.

I'm just gonna call Star Trust
and ask if they've heard

of your little boutique.
Great. Call 'em.

Okay. Hang up. Hang up.

So help me out here--
how did you

finish first
in our business school class?

I have exhausted every lead.

If something doesn't
come through soon,

the firm is gonna flatline.

I just need five minutes.

Sorry, Charlie.

Having said that, I would gladly
have sex with you again.

I'll be sure and pass
that on to your wife.

Oh.

And they weren't real,
by the way.

Right.

Oh, hey. Here.

Let-let me give you
a hand. It's... heavy.

You know, for what it's worth,

you know, I think what they're
doing to you is an outrage.

I got it from here.

You know, I-I don't usually
hate people I don't know,

but I hate Dante Valerio.

How can he not recognize
everything...

What are you talking about?

You know, the thing.
The coup.

What coup?
Oh, God, you don't know.

Know what? What fucking coup?
I'm...

I'm probably not the one to...
Is Dante Valerio trying to push me out?

There's no way he has the votes.
Does he have the goddamn votes?

Maybe. I think so. I-I don't, um...
Who are you looking at?

Who the fuck is that?

Hey.

You talking shit about me?

Talking shit ab...

Oh, no, man, I was just trying
to get him to shut up

so I could get some sleep.

I don't know where
you got your information,

but you don't know jack.

I'm calling the shots
from in here.

Nothing happens without my
knowledge, you understand?

Okay.

Dante and I have had
our differences,

but he's not stupid.

He knows what I mean
to that company.

This is fucking absurd.

Okay.

Well, you obviously have
an opinion.

Why don't you quit saying okay,
like a fucking retard

and spit it out?

Okay.

I don't know.
I mean, Dante Valerio,

he's a mega-successful
billionaire, right?

He's been with Gage
since the start...

nobody knows his fucking name.

I mean, all he ever hears
about is what a genius

Ellis Hightower is.
Well...

Eh, you know, you're
probably right, I mean...

why would a guy like
Dante Valerio want to install

an unthreatening,
low-profile CEO

when he's got you?

You know, when I spent $200,000
on business school,

this is exactly
what I had in mind.

Oh, my God,
have I thanked you yet?

Jeannie, if I haven't, thank you
so much for supplying me

with this priceless
life opportunity.

I finished organizing the closet
Uh-huh.

And made a pile for Goodwill. Um...
Okay.

Oh, and I need you home by 7:00
because I'm making lamb chops.

Lamb chops? Really?
Yeah. But I got them

at the store that sells food
past the sell-by date.

#IKnowMyHusband.

Okay. Great. Well...

I'll see you at 7:00.
#IGotPlansForYouAfterDinner.

Ooh!

#NotOvulating.

#FinishWhereverYouWant.

Hashtag...

I gotta go. All right.
I love you, Sarah.

I love you, too.
Bye.

Whoa, so, when I was out there,
I did a little ground recon.

No sign of the target, so...
This isn't a fucking stakeout, Doug.

So, let's, uh, recon. Oh, yeah, right.
All right. Let's just sit here

and scowl at each other.
God forgive me for trying

to inject a little fun
into the proceedings.

How is any of this
supposed to be fun?

Are you k... Have you even tried
the binoculars?

Look at them. They zoom. Give it a shot.
Put it down!

Okay. Your loss. - You know, I don't even
now why I'm lashing out on you.

None of this
is your fuckin' fault.

Things seem to be good with
you and Sarah, huh, Doug?

Yeah, yeah, you know,
Sarah losing her job

has actually been a blessing
in disguise.

She's been around and attentive
and relaxed.

It's nice.
Great. I'm happy for you.

Jeannie, can I actually
see your coffee?

I think you have mine.

No, this one was yours.

The whole time,
this one was yours.

I don't even know why I took it.
Oh, that's mature.

I mean, not as mature as bringing
down your company and sending

your partner to prison,
but I feel like it's good.

I am so sick of your attitude.

If working for me is such
an unspeakable misery,

get another job.

Oh, see, that's just the thing.

I've tried and I can't.

Now, Jeannie,
why do you think that is?

I don't know. You're such a rock star.
Right.

I'm shocked that every company
in the world aren't falling

all over themselves
to put you on board.

At least before you ruined
Marty's life,

- he got to fuck you.
- Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on a second.

Calm down. So what do we
think is a fair exchange then,

for me having caused such damage

to your stellar reputation?
I don't know.

Is it... I mean, would it be,
like, an under-the-bra tit grab?

We could... A stinky pinky?
I know you like those.

You know what, I'll be generous.

I will give you
a big, fat, juicy blow job

if you would
just shut the fuck up

and stop being such
a whiny little bitch about it.

Okay, so I'm a whiny little bitch?
Yeah.

Whiny little bitches
look at you and they go,

"Ew, what a whiny little bitch."
You know, fuck you.

- Fuck you.
- Eh, uh,

I'm sorry,
um, if I could just...

I-I'm pretty sure you weren't
being serious before,

but I've also suffered
some damage

to my reputation, so... What?
There they are.

Oh, sh... Okay,
the rooster is in the nest.

Repeat, the rooster
is in the nest.

You've got quite a reputation.

Oh, you asked about me.

Wow, I feel like
such a pretty girl.

I don't know how you knew,
but you knew.

Dante Valerio's taking
the temperature

of the other board members
about making a change.

Imagine that.

A fucking retard figured
that out before you.

You can go out
the same way you came in, buddy.

Is that your big close?

The illustrious Marty Kaan sulks

because I called him a name.
And then what?

I-I hire him
out of guilt?

Yeah, that's it.
You-you figured me out.

Okay. I'm sorry, Marty,
for calling you a name.

Okay?
I'm sorry.

Now, will you help me fight my
way out of this pit of vipers?

You don't hear
the word "no" a lot,

- do you? - I only hear it when someone's
negotiating for higher fees,

so, if this is
a question of money...

Ellis, fuck, listen.

My illustrious consulting career
landed me

in this five-star shit hole.

So forgive me if I don't jump
right back in

because yet another
rich asshole's

house is on fire.

Whoa. Okay.

My time here

is about me trying to make
sense out of my future,

not yours.

I jump back in when I'm ready,
if I'm ready.

So no consult for you.

Because you're on some
masturbatory quest for Satori. - Look,

hit me up in a couple months,
okay? I'll see how I feel.

Well, in a few months,
I'll be worm food.

- I was thinking about going to the...
- I don't give a fuck.

Hi.

Can you give us a minute?
We're in the middle of something.

No, no, no.

We're done.
You can come in.

Do you mind, Gabe?

He knows my name.

Marty, I'm not gonna beg.

Good. Then I can get back
to my book.

This is weird.

We have a meeting at Somerset Software.
Oh, what an amazing

coincidence.
Yeah. Or is it fate?

I was just telling
Andrew here that we saw

some interesting flex potential

for Celetech. Here we are
running into each other.

I'm Jeannie van der Hooven.

A very ambitious consultant
from Kaan & Associates.

Ah. I understand your firm's
been through a rough patch.

Well, bowed but not broken, sir.

As you can see.

And willing to work

on a performance-tied
fee structure.

You know, our experience
suggests that Celetech can

maintain a science-based true
north while still adding to...

Okay, I'm gonna
cut you off there.

We've been with
Demark for years.

And I'm not
gonna be dropping them

just so I can go into
business with Marty Kaan.

Well, you wouldn't be.

Marty is no longer
a part of the company.

In any case.

You know...

for a billionaire,
you're kind of a dumb shit.

- Whoa.
- Whoa, Jeannie.

It's fine-- they're not
gonna hire us anyway.

I'm so tired of
kissing the ass of all these

potential clients
who are total dumb shits.

Can I close my door, please?

Did you know we were a thing?

Marty and I. Briefly.

I fucked it up.

And for a while,
I spent all my time

trying to figure out
a way to make it right.

Jeannie, you're
embarrassing yourself.

Until one day, I thought:

Wait a minute, why?

Why am I pushing up
against this rock?

'Cause it certainly wasn't
good for me professionally.

And, you know,
Marty taught me a lot,

he helped make me who I am.

But even setting aside the
impact that a prison record

would have on his future
prospects, I'd just gone

as far as I could go with him.

It made sense for me
to leave Marty behind.

And that was someone I loved.

Because I understand

that in order to get ahead
and stay ahead,

you have to cut ties.

So I'm a dumb shit because
I won't cut ties with Demark?

Wow, you must have
a big brain for science,

because your people sense
isn't exactly top-notch.

And you hired
a chief financial officer

who cheated his way
through business school.

Though I suppose

you can't be blamed

for not digging through
the official records

of the Columbia University
judicial board.

They were never able to prove...

But even when someone's
profligacy and petulance

is draining money from your
pocket, you still don't see it.

Or maybe you do.

And maybe you still
stubbornly insist on being

Ellis Hightower's
slobbery lapdog

because he's just such a genius.

You're not a dumb shit
because you won't cut ties

with Demark.

You're a dumb shit
because you won't

cut ties with anyone.

Have a nice day.

Not bad, Jeannie.

Not bad.

Oh, it'll be fucking beautiful.

Living in a Van Nuys
apartment complex,

swapping stories
with your 60-year-old

actor neighbor who came

this close to getting
a Doritos commercial in 1988.

And you can tell him about
the time you traded in your

bespoke suits for a closet
full of Hawaiian shirts

while you led a fruitless search

for the meaning of life,

only to realize too late
that the meaning of life--

the chance to be a foot soldier
in the revolution

of our time-- was staring you right
Yeah, okay.

in the fucking face.
El-Ellis. Okay. Okay.

I get it. Uncle.

Okay.
Okay.

Okay.

I don't know, I...

It would just be
so much easier if...

if she were dead, you know?

Nice. Fantastic. No, I mean... I
don't mean I wish she were dead.

That's a different thing.
I, it's...

I love Sarah. You know that.
I've always loved Sarah.

Right, right, right.

But if she was dead, man,

think about all that
widower pussy you would get.

What? Pardon me?
God, you make...

you make it sound sick.
Doug...

you know, in Judaism,
there's this thing

called the Chamesh Godol.

It loosely translates
to "Shiva House blow job."

Now, it's considered a mitzvah
when a woman provides oral sex

to a man whose wife
just passed away.

Really?
No. What the fuck

is wrong with you? Really?
You were thinking about it.

How many people you think
want to hear

this fucking conversation?
You know how much

I like blow jobs.
That's not...Listen, I'm not the one asking

for a co-worker's baby
on behalf of a wife

who I wish were dead, so I feel fucking amazing
right now.

No, out of context, Clyde.

Out of context?
Oh, you need to go now?

I... I wish you would...
That's what I'm saying.

Go, go, go.
Excuse me.

I have to go to the bathroom.
Just move by. Just go by.

Fine, I'm doing it.
Be a man. Go by.

Will?

Hey.

Hey.
It is you. Get over here.

Good to see you.

Guys, it's Will.

Who gives a shit?

Good to see you too, Clyde.

Well, look at you, huh?
Fancypants.

It looks like you
found life after K&A.

Where'd you end up?

Uh, it's not that...

Come on.

I'm at ...I'm at Demark.

- Demark. Sure.
- Demark. I feel like I was

just talking about that.
Clyde, who...

- Didn't someone else just end up there?
Uh-huh.

Who was that?
It's probably Monica.

She's the one who hired me.
You know, coming from

K&A, it wasn't easy
getting new work,

and I had already worked with
her, so I just... William...

Oh, God.
What did I tell you about fraternizing

with the enemy?

I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.

As if a rapidly shrinking speck
in the consulting universe

like Kaan & Associates could
ever be considered an enemy.

Well, I mean, even
a single-celled parasite

can take down a lion.

Strong rebuttal.
Thank you.

Ugh.

Hi, Marty.

Whoa, hey, Fatso.
So where

you guys headed
on this glorious day?

Oh, I'm just

taking the kids to Napa,
you know,

so we can sample
the season's new ros?s.

Mm. I know you're
going to Gage.

Dante Valerio's a client.

But don't worry, I am
headed to an unrelated

consult, because I am
not a cruel person.

And it would be cruel
to steal your one big fish.

Even after how hard
you fucked me over

last year.
What? No.

- That was an accident.
- Oops.

You know, a lot of men would
have just laid down and died

in your situation,

but you really seized
that moment, didn't you?

I even heard a rumor
that you had your lawyer

petition the board
of prisons to get you

sent to Worthy when you could have
Come on.

landed somewhere more cush,

just to get close to Hightower.

So what if I did?
Mm-hmm.

And I heard you took
a load in the face

from Dante Valerio in the
parking lot of Celetech.

Ooh, ugh. I started

that one. But the fact that
a lot I don't give a fuck.

of people are believing it--

that should come
as a warning sign to you.

Yeah, I didn't believe it, but I...
William...

I should just...
I'll go...

Hey, Jeannie,

how's Edwin?

He's fine.
Yeah?

Mm-hmm.
I can't wait to

meet him.
The father of your child.

Aah!

Where did you say
he worked again?

Skadden Arps.

Skadden Arps, that's right.

I do a lot of business
with Skadden Arps.

I should look him up
next time I'm in New York.

I will be sure to warn him.

So this is coach, huh?

Charming.

Bye, Mo.

Oh, bye.

She was hitting that Edwin
shit pretty hard, right?

What was that about?
Yeah, well, it's Monica, so,

I mean, what could
we... expect?

Okay.

I'm not an honest person, Marty.

You're... you're right.

Because when a situation
feels difficult or complicated,

even though I know, objectively,

that the lie
will exacerbate things,

I... I always seem
to choose to lie.

Eh, it's...
And...

I need to tell you
something serious,

and I need you to believe me,

or you don't...

have to, I don't know.

I just...
I want you to know that

I never intended to leave you...

W... We were just in a th...

of... I... and I panicked.

And I... said Edwin.

And then I waited, and...

there wasn't a right time,

or at least, it wasn't the time

that I wanted it to be.

It's yours.

Okay...

Hey, so,

uh, listen, I actually
did a little recon here,

and turns out Monica is in fact

headed to an unrelated
consult, so... phew.

Yeah. Phew.

Yeah.

? What'll it be, now ?

? Mr. Moe ?

? Whisper slow within ?

? Curls of smoke ?

? Take a back seat ?

? Or play fair on ?