House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 2, Episode 7 - The Runner Stumbles - full transcript

Previously on House of Lies...

U.S. National Bank
has requested a sit-down.

Hey, everyone,
I'm Mr. Criswell.

Look at all you little Michelle
Obamas working in the field.

He wants to be governor
next go-around. Governor?

But I'm the lucky girl
that gets

to eat, sleep, and breathe
his political future.

Nigga, what's your problem
with me?

You're a fucking phony, Malcolm.

And you're
a fucking sellout, Martin.

But we're still
brothers



and Dad still needs us
to be a family.

You should know that
this aggression...

This aggression?
...will no longer

be tolerated by
this company.

Tell me something, Marty.

I'm leaving the company.

When?
I don't know.

But I'm done with
this bullshit.

(helicopter whirring,
siren wailing)

(car horn honks)

(noises stop)

(lively blues
instrumental playing)

♪

(exhales)



(car horn honks)

(indistinct chatter,
phone ringing)

(sighs, clears throat)

Okay, we're only gonna do
this once, we're gonna get it

all out, and then we're going
to shut the fuck up about it.

Is that clear?
Hold on, just once?

No way. And what
are we doing?

When you get like this,

I literally swell
with excitement.

I can't wait. Let's go.

Well, then, get ready to swell,
asshole.

What's that?
DOUG: What?

What, what, what?
Wait, wait, wait.

Slutty Ex Sex-- I don't get it,
whose slutty ex had sex?

JEANNIE:
Uh...

my (clears throat) ex-boyfriend
Lonnie from Spokane

has a fondness for vintage porn
of me, uh, and decided,

after I declined
to be his Facebook friend...

(sighs)

...to load our attempt at
porn stardom onto the Internet.

Since I know someone
will invariably find this

and show it to you,
I decided to prophylactically...

(laughs)
...to...

(grunts)
(giggles)

...show it to all of you.

Now we're gonna watch it...

Okay, stop, here we go.

Thank you.
I knew if I was good...

You can spend the rest
of the day taking chunks

out of my self-esteem.
MARTY: Why are you talking so much?

Press play, press
play, space bar... Just push the button...

Then, then... let's make sure
everyone is listening...

Do I need moisturizer...?
Wait, hold on.

...you will never
mention it again.

And I mean ever!
Fine, okay.

But we get the whole day, right?
One entire day, 24 hours?

(overlapping chatter)

So it's like this time
tomorrow or at midnight?

I hadn't...
Look at me, that is not enough.

Just give me one more day,
please, please, please.

CLYDE:
Push the button. (screams) Whatever, Doug.

Okay, okay, okay.
Eh, I don't want to see it.

CLYDE:
What are you doing? Yeah, I just thought

I'd do the buildup
and then...

Marty.
Are you kidding me?

Come on, how will we know
how to feel about it?

Oh, God.
Uh, okay.

What do we got here?

What do we got here?
Here we go, okay.

There you are, okay.
Ooh, okay, start up them engines.

That's you?

No, Goth Jeannie.

Okay.
Little bit of Goth Jeannie.

Okay.
Not, not my favorite

if I'm being honest.
No.

Ooh, you're not
the girl.

JEANNIE: Am I getting you hard?
Yeah.

Who's this?
Okay, yeah, real, uh,

real titan of industry,
this one, huh?

Good call, Jeannie.
Ooh.

Why are you doing
that to him?

It's like you don't
know how to eat

but you're trying
to eat his face.

Ah, okay, get to the bed.

Get to the bed.
Here we go.

Get it off you,
baby, get it off you. Here we go, huh?

Oh, you're so
fucking hot, babe. I see you in the background.

All right, the years
have not been kind to you.

The panties he's wearing
are very confusing.

I agree.
And he's taking 'em off, great.

Baby, you want me
to make it hard for you?

JEANNIE:
I don't know, I'm just an innocent farm girl.

How about you stop showing off

for the camera
and bring that sweet stuff

over here?

(laughing)

How can I un-see that?

It was like a thing, but then
everything was through it.

And what's happening here?
What is he doing?

(Jeannie gags on video)
What's happening here?

I'm blowing him.

You're blowing him?
Yeah.

Are you holding
the camera?

Hey, asshole, take the camera
while she sucks your dick! Hold the camera, man.

Yeah, be a fucking gentleman,
take the camera.

You can't see the cock
going in the fucking mouth!

What's the point?

It was a really old camcorder
and it was very heavy,

and Lonnie wasn't the strong...

Why am I even explaining that
to you?

LONNIE: Ow.
Did you just swallow one of his piercings?

JEANNIE: God, I told you not to
get something so fucking small.

I'm sorry, baby.

Well, how much
of it is just this?

(Jeannie coughs on video)

How much of it
is just this?

Call.

I'm still watching; it's fun.

Let's go.

Hey, baby, it's me.

No, I'm not doing
anything, just, uh...

No, it's funny,
you know,

Jeannie was just
showing us a sex tape.

Are you kidding? You're leaving
in the middle of my sex tape?

Yeah, it was great,
though, good.

No, oh, baby, no, no, no, it--
ugh, it was gross honestly.

I, um...

I have to

make up an excuse to leave.

Are you fucking kidding me?

(gasps)
Fuck you.

(over P.A.):
Ladies and gentlemen,

this is the captain speaking.

We'll reach Chicago
about ten minutes

before, uh, estimated time
of arrival.

Thanks for flying with us.
Marty.

Marty... Marty...

Marty.

Marty-Marty-Marty-Marty-Marty-
Marty-Marty-Marty-Marty-

Marty-Marty-
Marty-Marty-Marty. I hear you.

Oh, you heard that?
Yes, every Marty.

Okay, um, so I'm trying to
look through these disclosures

for U.S. National Bank, but I
keep running into a firewall.

Yeah, well,
it's a bank, okay?

They got
a lot of firewalls.

Yeah, but Criswell
gave us the keys

to the entire candy store...

I mean, everything except for
what's behind this firewall.

Yeah.

So...

So get behind the firew...
Hey, Clyde,

when we touch down,
could you please help Jeannie out with this?

She's got
a firewall confusing... I don't need help,

I'm not confused.
I'm on it.

Um, Criswell is our...

Client.
Client, right, and, uh,

he has hired us
to, uh, help him vet

any potential shitstorm
that may, you know, derail

his run for governor,
and in order

for us to do
that job effectively,

we're gonna have to...
Get behind the firewall.

Get behind
the firewall. Yes, I was...

So just get behind it
and see what's back there. I was just ru...

running it by you.

CLYDE: But, Goth Jeannie,
while I have your ear,

you were awfully bossy to
what I would like to call

the weirdest
leading man in porn.

DOUG:
Yeah,

I got to say,
major turnoff.

Yeah, I...
it's, it's like...

Do what Sarah and I do.

It's about give and
take-- very simple ethos.

All right, she gives,
I take, I give, she takes.

That's all it's about.

Please...
There's got to be a way to make this

louder.
Please stop.

CLYDE:
Got to stop.

(exhales)

You know, not that
you should have,

but I did notice that you
didn't... watch my sex tape.

Why are you still talking?

Marty.

Marty-Marty-Marty-Marty-Marty-
Marty-Marty-Marty-Marty-Marty-

Marty-Marty-Marty-Marty-Marty-
Marty-Marty-Marty-Marty...

Do you guys know Cinda
from I.T.?

MARTY:
Ooh, Cinda.

The one with the underbite
like the Tibetan terrier?

That is correct.

(slurring):
She's like this; that is correct.

Turns out Cinda likes me.

Who cares?

Go for it, Clyde, take her
on a tour of that manscape.

She likes me so much, she
gave me the firewall password.

Wow.

What, what?
Fuck, nice work.

Well, you know, if I wasn't
dating Sarah, I could have...

She gave you the
firewall password?

That's true love
in Tibetan Terrier.

(imitates Scooby Doo):
Ri rove you.

Ri rove you, roo.

And we are... in.

Is that home loans?

Oy.

JEANNIE:
Sub-prime loans.

Super-shitty-rate loans.

Ghetto loans.

(sighs)

That, boys and girls,
is fucking ghetto loans.

Reverse redlining.

Fucking...

DOUG:
Yeah,

sure looks like it.

So white people get
pointed in one direction

where they get a
decent percentage,

and then, uh, black
and brown people--

well, they get sent down
the hall towards...

Guess what--
they get a loan, too.

Yeah.
And even if they can afford a prime rate,

they're automatically
booted into a ghetto loan.

DOUG:
Right.

Then they immediately
swap out that teaser rate

for a sky-high rate.

And Joe Black Homeowner
defaults.

MARTY:
Right.

Wow.
Yeah.

Criswell must have made a mint
writing this paper.

Can I have it
when you're done? Yes.

BRYNN:
You are one smart motherfucker.

Gives me wood.

Yeah, I'm not really
that smart.

I mean, me and
my team found it.

But let's be honest,

a chimp could have gotten
behind that bullshit firewall.

Well, now you're dipping
into hyperbole.

Brynn, why don't you stop

fucking around and tell
me what is going on?

Jesus, Marty,
figure it out.

You're a big boy.

You wanted us to find it.

Maybe.
And then when we find it,

you've got my black face
to sell it to the public,

and you pimp me
to your racist boss

to soft-sell his betrayal.

Right?

You're good.

But don't make
this personal,

Marty, because it's not.
Seriously!

Hey. Anybody up for a hit
of some 24-year-old scotch?

And if we hadn't found it?

Do the math.

It's a chilly one, huh? Boy!

You'd lay the whole thing
at Galweather Stearn's feet.

CRISWELL: It's chilly.
(laughs softly)

Wow. That's...

Yeah, nice.

Criswell...

Yeah?
let loose the hounds.

What?

Your house nigger's

making a run for it.

So we walk away--
I'm fine with that. Oh, my God,

they picked right,
didn't they?

(chuckles) Mr. Marty Kaan--
"Go Along to Get Along."

You want a shiny,
black face to help sell

your tiny little genocide?

Marty fuckin' Kaan,
he's your man.

That's right.
And maybe while we're at it,

we can help this, uh,
fuckin' prep school bag of hammers

get into the governor's
mansion, yeah?

Why don't we whisk his ass
right into the White House,

get four to eight years
of that, that'd be fuckin' awesome.

Just had to sell my soul,
help Galweather Stearn

make a shitload of money,
'cause God forbid

I hang my own balls
out there, right?

Do something for myself
for a fuckin' change.

Sir, you want to hear
a great fuckin' story about... Marty, Marty, Marty...

What am I talking about?

Sell my soul-- you
can't sell something that you only rent.

Right? I mean, they
got laws against that.

Like, if I rented
an apartment

and then I tried to sell
the fuckin' thing...

(laughs softly)

I'm out.

You're...?
Yeah.

I'm out.

I'm gonna start
my own shop.

Wow.

Fuck it.

J-Just like that?
A done deal? Yeah.

I mean, fuck it.

Right? Fuck them.

I think that's good.

I think... I think you
should be out on your own.

Yeah.

(laughs)
Yeah.

Are we cool?

I mean, things between us,

are they okay?
What are you talking about?

Why wouldn't
we be cool? I... just feel...

very unsure, and things
are very chaotic, so... Listen, listen.

You have the world at
your feet, Jeannie Bean.

Okay? You hit a bump
in the road. So what?

You're right back on track.

(sighs)
Look...

you have a great job
at Galweather,

and you have a better job
waiting in the wings.

If you want it.

And you also have porn
to fall back on.

So you're good.

You watched it?

I didn't say
I watched it. Did you watch it?

I definitely didn't
want to watch it with the idiots.

And?
And if I had watched it,

I might say that you
transcended the genre.

I might also have to
say that my man's dick was crazy scary.

(laughs) You think
I transcended the genre?

Yeah. See, that-that's
called a misdirect. (laughs)

I think you're gonna talk
about the scary dick,

and you talk
about the genre. No, I want to talk about me

transcending genres...
Yes.

I didn't know you
could swallow so far.

Ugh.

(scoffs)

Hmm.

So anyway, it's, uh,

it's looking like
this little incident

with the ghetto
loans... I really don't

like that term--
it doesn't include any

of the subtleties or nuances
of the mortgage business.

Really? Yeah, that does suck,
because there are

so many nuances.

Get to it, Marty.
Okay.

Uh... well, I'm sure
after the Firewall of Jericho

came down
on these ghett-- oh...

Let's call them "the things."

I'm sure you're very anxious

to get the genie
back in the bottle.

No, uh... sunlight is

the best disinfectant.
MARTY: Oh, okay.

Cool.

So with regards to violating
the Fair Housing Act...

Fair Housing Act is bullshit.

Uh-huh.

Well, I might have to make a
call to the Justice Department.

Of for fuck's sake, sanctimony
does not work for you.

Yeah, Marty,
this is...

getting absurd.

I mean, M... Marty,

you're supposed
to be the kind of guy

that helps a brother
out of a situation,

you know?
Yeah. I-I have

no impetus to help you out

in this situation...

brother.

Well, certainly,
this bank is

a serious piece of
business for Galweather.

Yeah, for Galweather.

This will cement you
as Julianne Hofschraeger's

go-to guy.

Now, see, about that...

CRISWELL:
Marty,

I will give you a glowing report

like this CEO has never given.
And I appreciate

the potential "glowjob,"
but I have another thought.

(clears throat)

Now, Carl, when you announce
your gubernatorial run,

I'm sure you would love
to not only look like a guy who didn't support

this whole
"ghetto loans" thing,

but also as someone
who took a proactive part

in supporting
black-owned businesses.

Yeah, but I-I-I do.
Yes, of course.

No, no, no, no--

I do.
Well, Carl, I mean...

really supporting
black-owned businesses...

like mine.

(wry laugh)
But Galweather is not... Not Galweather.

Kaan & Associates.

Oh!

Okay.

Kaan & Associates...

Oh, my God, this fucknut

might be the leader of
the Free World someday.

My new consultancy,

Carl.

My new company.

You could be

my first big client.

Maybe even a key investor.

Mr. Criswell, I think
what Marty is getting at...

I know what Marty
is getting at, Ms. Reed.

And I think
we might be able to find

some mutually beneficial
ground here.

Well, there he is.

(both laugh)

I knew you'd show up. Welcome.

Marty, I can't tell you how much
I appreciate your support during

this confusing time.
And to think

that some people
might see Carl Criswell

as a proponent of ghetto loans,

or even...

a racist.

Oh, my God.

Can you imagine?

This is going to be
such a wonderful partnership.

With Marty Kaan
at the helm,

this thing's gonna
work like a dream.

Actually, Criswell is
technically not accountable

for the mortgage policy.

Yeah. Buried deep

in his contracts,
there's a teeny-tiny clause about his participation

in the company
being strictly advisory.

He is... not responsible

in any fiduciary
or legal capacities.

MARTY:
Do we have a fall guy?

You mean beside
Criswell?

Executive VP Henry Hughes;
he's the paper trail.

Wow.
Is he a friend of yours?

No one's a friend of mine
but the client.

You're like me,
but with extra mean sauce.

Okay, so, uh, make sure he's
not at the press conference,

but that we have a couple
unflattering images of him.

(laughs)

He'll take some heat
for a few weeks,

but then you guys
will just parachute him

right out of there, right?

Already on it.

(door closes)

What?

You realize what
you're about to do.

What am I about to do?

You have been down some.

This just feels...
What am I about to do?

Excuse me.

I was there
last night, okay?

I saw how you...
Hit the ground running?

Huh?

One of the most competitive
sectors in the world?

In a time of economic
instability?

All while black?

That what you meant?

Wow. Yeah, I guess
that's what I meant.

Yeah.

That's what I thought.

So, naturally, when my
friend and colleague,

Marty Kaan, brought these...

inconsistencies to light,

we saw this as an opportunity

to bring about some real change
here at U.S. National.

So I'm gonna hand it over
to the real expert here,

Marty Kaan.

MARTY: Thank you, Carl.
Thank you so much.

Um...

"Opportunity"-- that...

that's a perfect word for it.

So let me speak to you
a second about opportunity,

opportunity and Carl Criswell.

Uh... I happen to have
the great pleasure

of counting myself
among Carl's friends,

and let me tell you
that this is a man

who is not only
a great leader and a...

a brilliant CEO,

but he is also someone
who has his finger

squarely on the pulse

of gender, economic,

and racial equality.

His business not only lives by
a mandate of equal opportunity,

but he also puts his own money
directly where his mouth is

by investing in African-American
owned businesses.

This is America.

Because that is America.

This is what we do.

That is what we do.

We show who we are,
not by our...

We show what our principles and
ethics are, not by our words...

...not by our words...

...but by our actions.

...but by our actions.

Not with our rhetoric
but with our wallets.

S...

(clears throat)

So while Carl... Criswell
was not a...

...an active...

So while Carl Criswell

was not an active participant

in this reverse
redlining process

and was...

busy... uh...

busy, uh...

uh, pursuing far more...

far more noble
business pursuits...

...he is nevertheless,
once again,

going to put his mouth
where his money... his...

his money
where his mouth is

and write down
these loans...

...administered
by a rogue operator,

who will be vigorously
prosecuted.

How can I say this
with confidence?

I can this with utmost
confidence because Carl Criswell

gave me his word...

...and as all of us can attest,
and the African-American...

(weak laugh)

...community can attest to,

Carl Criswell's word...
...Carl's word...

...is his bond.
...is his bond.

CRISWELL:
Aw.

Thanks, buddy.
Thank you.

(reporters clamoring)
Thank you very much.

REPORTER: Are you writing down
all loans, sir?

CLYDE:
So, he took it off the site?

Too many negative comments
about the penis apparently.

I made one
of those negative comments.

I'm having nightmares.
It was disgusting.

Terrifying.
And also...

probably had something
to do with the fact

that I might have been 17
at the time.

(gibbering)
Oh. That changes things.

Whoops.
CLYDE: So basically--

just so we know--
Yeah.

if you hadn't shown us, we
probably never would've seen it.

Apparently not, no. Correct.

Apparently not.
That's not such a bad thing.

I, for one,
feel closer to you, Jeannie,

for having seen it.
I think we all do. Right, Marty?

MARTY: Yeah.
Goth Jeannie. I like her.

Was that anything like
when you guys had sex?

How many piercings
does that cock have? Totally. Yeah.

Yeah.
No.

Not telling us...

(sighs)

You got your money, huh?

Kaan & Associates.

What?
You got your money.

Oh. Yeah.
First piece. Yeah.

They... Well, they say
that's the hardest. (chuckles)

They lie.

Marty, I'm worried
about you.

You're worried about me?
Mm-hmm.

Are you serious?

Hey...

I'm king of the fucking world,
what are you...

why are you worried about me?

Don't be worried.

I know you're not gonna
want to listen

to anything I have
to say about this...

It's not gonna stop you
from talking, I'm...

you can't do
pretty sure.

what you did today...

...and walk out of there

like there's nothing
Did it.

I did it.

I'm still walking.

Not more than
a few times, anyway.

I'm the big cat, Jeannie.

I got nine lives. At least.

Don't worry about it.

MALCOLM:
See, Pop, if I was stronger, like my namesake,

I would be out there
every minute of every day.

I'd be
on goddamn fire with my message,

instead of hanging out
in Bourgie-ville with y'all.

Mm. No man can be on it
every minute.

Well, I hold myself
to a high standard. Mm-hmm.

JEREMIAH:
Even your namesake...

Mm! Pop,
wasn't that vigilant.

don't do it.
Aw, Pop, don't do it.

Don't you... start comparing me
to the big man.

Well... (chuckles)

Malcolm X Shabazz, I am not.

Mm-mm. I disagree.
(chuckles)

I think you're exactly
like Malcolm X.

Really?
Yeah.

Um...

except for charisma,

having faced any
real adversity and...

I'm forgetting something,
what else is in there?

Oh, yeah, talent.
Talent. Marty, Marty, Marty,

he wasn't even talking to you.
Stop it.

Talent.
No, it's all right.

It's okay, Pop. It's cool.

You see, Squirrel just
can't believe

the Great and Powerful Oz

forgot to give him
a goddamn soul.

Oh... Oh, so you consider
"soul" spouting pseudo-radical

bullshit
for six hours a day

in between little sorties
raiding my wine cellar.

(coughs, laughs)
You hear that?

He called that shit
a wine cellar.

Ain't even got a decent
Bordeaux up in this bitch.

Bunch of off-brand
Oregon Pinots.

Negro, please.
Well, you know,

I'm getting ready to make a run,
so if you want

to make a list,
stuff I could pick up

and then...
Shove it up my ass.

Stick it right up
your ass. Okay, yeah.

Okay, yeah.
I-I can read you, you know that?

Oh, stop it.
I'm just saying, Pop. You ca... you can't...

Stop it.
(stammers) He started it. He always starts it.

JEREMIAH: Will you be cool?
The price is right.

MALCOLM: (stammers)
You and I are drinking, man.

You supposed
to be on my side.

(vehicles passing, horn honking,
helicopter whirring)

(sounds stop)

(Sonny Terry's
"Fox Chase" playing)

(train clattering)

(police siren chirps)

MAN (over speaker):
Stop. Attention, jogger. Please halt.

(car alarm beeping)

(tires screeching)

(siren chirping)

("Fox Chase" continues;
officer's voice indistinct)

(distant, distorted):
Take off the hood.

(distorted):
Lose the hood!

("Fox Chase" fades,
car horn blares)

What the fuck, man?

Lose the hood, sir!

What's going on, fellas?
You got any I.D.?

No, I don't have any I.D.
I've been jogging, man. You don't have any I.D.?

No, I don't have...
I've been jogging. Put your hands above your head.

Are you fucking serious, man?
Put your hands above your head now.

Such bullshit.
Interlock your fingers.

They are interlocked.
Smartass.

Spread your legs.

("Fox Chase" resumes)
You got a weapon on you, huh?

Fuck you.

(grunting)

(Sonny Terry whooping)

(Sonny Terry howling, yipping)

(Marty groaning)

Fuck you!

(Sonny Terry's howling
and whooping continue)

Fuck off!

SONNY TERRY:
♪ Ooh! Oh!

Whoo! We's a-caught him, too.

OFFICER (over radio):
Charlie 12, we have a 148

in the vicinity
of 6th and Fig.

WOMAN (over radio):
I'm sorry. Repeat.

Charlie 12, we have a 148

in the vicinity of 6th
and Fig-- do you copy?

Copy, Charlie 12.

SP is an
African-American male, in 40s.

Repeat that.
SP is an African-American male, 40s.

Copy that.
Five-foot-eight, 155 pounds,

silver hoodie, black pants,
no identification.

Code 3, request
for medical assistance. 10-4.

Meow.