House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 2, Episode 8 - Wonders of the World - full transcript

Jeannie meets an unlikely suitor, Nate, when consulting with an adult toy company. While on the engagement, Doug is struck with inspiration for a wild gift idea for his new girlfriend. At home, Marty confronts issues of love, race and family in the aftermath of his traumatic encounter. Malcolm begins to drive a wedge between Marty and their father, Jeremiah.

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Previously on House of Lies...

Jeannie: We're really
dancing around each other,

and-and I...
I was hoping we could...

Let it remain really awkward.

I call, you get here

on the first--
not the second,

not the third--

What do you want, man?

Why are you here?
30-year-old scotch.

Roscoe's empty bedroom.

Are you sure that
you're okay with him

living with Monica?

Fucking ghetto loans.

You want a shiny black face

to help sell your
tiny little genocide?

Marty fucking kaan,
he's your man?

I think I got under your skin
a little bit.

You did.
So, where are we

gonna sleep, Marty?

I'm gonna start my own shop.

Kaan and associates.

Officer (Over pa):
Attention, jogger. Please halt.

What's going on, fellas?

You got any I.D.?

Put your hands above
your head now.

Spread your legs.
You got a weapon on you?

Fuck you.


(phone ringing)
Jeannie: 40 minutes late.

40 minutes.

I fight rush hour traffic
to get to goddamn van nuys

to help his company

streamline their output
of silicone fuck sticks,

and this asshole can't even be
bothered to show up on time?

I'm sorry, but--
and by the way, where is Marty?

Jeannie beannie!

Someone wake up
on the wrong side

of the bed this morning?
Don't start, Clyde.

Do you know

what I do to cheer myself up

when I'm having
a case of the blahs?

Whatever you're gonna say
right now, how about don't.

I advise Doug
on a personal matter.

Did you know it is the one-month
anniversary of Doug

and his special lady,
and he is just

stumped on gift ideas.

Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

You know what, I would love
a female opinion on this.

Hey, let me
ask you this, Jeannie.

Um, how would you feel

if your man gave you a... hat?

Like, a really great hat?

(Whispers) You're welcome.

Or I could go funny.

I found this great

Jesus light switch plate
on ebay.

Sarah's Jewish,

so, you know...

But it'd be like, "Doug..."

Come on!

What were you just...
And so naughty.

But it would--
I don't know.

Well, that's quite the decision.
(Phone ringing)

Well, I mean, she might say...

Hold on one second.
Or I could write a poem, or...

Hey, where are you?

Yeah, no sex toys
for me this morning.

Are you working on Vegas?

No. Um...

Tamara's down there
with Carlson.

I'm gonna take
a few personal days.

Marty kaan is taking
personal days?

Who is this, really?

Jeannie, I hate to interrupt,

but I think you dropped this.

Get that out of my
face right now.

So this isn't your vagina?

Doug, this is not her vagina!

Jesus, Clyde, grow up.

Hey, so, listen,

unless something
catches on fire,

or Clyde's dick
explodes, just...

(Door opens)

I'll call you guys soon.

Thought you could use a coffee.

Please tell me
two of those are for you.

Your brother's parking the car.

My brother is parking the car.

(Sighs) So, how you doing?

I'm fine.


You're fine, huh?


You talk with Roscoe
about this yet?


You going to?

(Door opens)



You look like shit.


Don't skate by this, Marty.

It's our trials that afford us

the opportunity
to become whole again.

You know, it wasn't

till parsifal confronted...

Pop, pop, pop.

Give it a rest.


Aw, sh...

I forgot the scones.



Nate Hyatt.
Doug guggenheim. Hi.

Clyde oberholt.
So sorry.

I was stuck in an
intense breakfast

with midori Alexis
and her representatives.

Jeannie Van Der hooven.


Midori Alexis?

The-the star of
ass kingdom six?

That's the one.

I'm sorry, Mr. Hyatt,
I have to ask:

Is-is she as down-to-earth
in real life

as she comes across
in her movies?

Uh, she's... she's,
yeah, she's okay.

God, I knew it.
I knew it.

You can tell, I think.
You can always tell. Yeah.

God, that's great.

But we've been locked in

deep negotiations with her,
trying to do

a mold for
us, and I--

in any case, I'm
very, very sorry

to keep you guys waiting. No.

Listen, if it means
that the whole world

will finally have full access

to midori Alexis's vagina

and anus, I say who are we
to complain, you know?

Fingers crossed.
You ready to see the factory?

♪ I'm happy as can be ♪

♪ tra-LA-LA-LA-LA-le ♪

♪ as happy as a chappy can be ♪

♪ like the birds
and all the bees ♪

♪ swinging in the tree ♪

♪ I'm happy as a chappy can be ♪

♪ I'm smiling like a chap
who sings a song in his heart ♪

♪ and now my heart is pounding
till the day you part ♪

♪ this cheeky little chap
has found his Bonnie lass ♪

♪ and that's what makes
a cheeky chappy happy ♪

♪ I'm happy as can be ♪

♪ tra-LA-LA-LA-LA-le ♪

♪ as happy as a chappy can be ♪

♪ like the birds
and all the bees ♪

♪ singing in the trees ♪

♪ I'm happy as a chappy ♪

♪ you know the sort of chappy ♪

♪ I'm happy as a chappy can be ♪

(Machines clanking,
whirring rhythmically)

♪ I'm happy as can be ♪

♪ tra-LA-LA-LA-LA-le ♪

♪ as happy as a chappy can be ♪

♪ like the birds
and all the bees ♪

♪ singing in the trees ♪

♪ I'm happy as a chappy ♪

♪ you know the sort of chappy ♪

♪ I'm happy
as a chappy can be. ♪

I've tried my best to carry
on my father's vision.

He had a real commitment
to building here in America,

to top-quality materials
and evolved design.

You know, we use
hypo-allergenic rubber, we use

medical-grade silicone.

But your competitors
are killing you on price

by using sub-standard

from China, right?

Okay, so the question becomes,

how do you maintain your margins

without damaging
your brand, right?

Exactly. I don't want to
slash quality control.

I don't want to slash r and d.

We're very proud
of our green initiative.

We're actually working towards

a sustainable
manufacturing process.

'Cause who wants a carbon
footprint up in her vagoo,

you know?
Take this back

to the home office,
get you something

by the end of the week,
all right?

Excellent, thank you.
Thank you so much.

God, I can't believe...
I never realized...

Can you hang on a second?


Um... so, what was
all that about?

What was what?

The giggling, the whispering.


No, no, I was just... uh...


You're not gonna get
counseled out or anything,

if that's-that's
how the lingo goes.

Just say it.

I suppose I found it amusing

just that you were talking about
top-quality materials

and evolved design, you know.

Like... like you were building
a particle accelerator.

Have you ever tried
our merchandise?

Have I tried your merchandise?

I'm not trying to be--
I just think

we make a superior product.

I'll have my assistant
send you something.

I don't need-- that's okay,
you don't have to have...

Hey, Kathy, can you,
uh, send a package

of some of our best-sellers
over to Jeannie Van Der hooven

at galweather stearn, please?

Not to work.

Kathy, don't send me
any dongs, please.

Rush delivery, please.
Thank you.


if you were consulting Sara Lee,

you would have a slice
of their pound cake, right?

I would-- do you hear yourself

when you're asking
these questions?

Actually, I do.

Is it embarrassing when I talk
about my job? Sometimes.

Do I wish I sold plumbing
gaskets or vacuum cleaners? No.

Not even a little bit.

You know, it's really fun
to talk about sex all day.

I don't know about you,
but I enjoy sex.

I like sex. I'm not...

Doc Johnson is my family legacy
we're talking about.

Sent me to private school.

Sent me to brown,
it sent me to wharton.

I'm not about
to apologize for it

because some China doll
has a stick up her ass.

Stick up her ass would be

a very good product
for your guys.

It would. Can I use your
scowling face for the packaging?

(Helicopter whirring)


This just came for you.

It's from... doc Johnson.

They're a client.

Well, it's a rush delivery.

Uh, just give me the
fucking package, zanna.

(Chuckles) Sorry.


♪ ♪

(Lock clicks)

(Quiet buzzing)

♪ Ah, ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, yes ♪

♪ ooh, ah... yes. ♪

Pops was really
coming after you

with that jung
archetype shit, huh?


(Crowd cheering,
men grunting over TV)

No issue that couldn't
be illuminated

by the legend of parsifal.

You notice they're always
anglo-Saxon myths?


Those are not our stories.

Yeah. I mean, would it kill him

to throw in a parable
from that's my mama

or the jeffersons?

(Both laugh)

Yo, remember that
time you stole

his good pen
and took it to school?

Aw, shit.
Oh, my God.

He was on jungian

fire that night.

What was that thing
he kept saying?

"Luminosity entails numinosity."


Yeah, I remember
looking over at ma,

she's rolling her eyes like,
"this bullshit."

Yup. Get it.

Oh. Oh.

Come on, go, go, go, go.

Oh. Oh.

So, you know, some of my people

have been in touch
about what happened.

We think pursuing legal remedy

right now is just
a waste of time.

Can we just
play the game, Malcolm?

Okay, okay. I feel you.

You got to get the
media to light a fire

underneath this thing, man.

(Men grunting over TV)



(Bell clangs over TV)

Take that...

Well, we can eliminate
a product line.

I mean, they're basically
competing with themselves.

Yeah, sure, if you
want to play small ball.

Small ball?
Yeah. Not me, man.

No, I don't think
that's the answer.

I think the road forward
is not contraction.

I think it's innovation.


Their porn star molds

are a gold mine--
look at the figures,

speak for themselves--
so why not offer

a molding for Joe citizen?

It would be like
a build-a-bear workshop,

but for hogs and honey pots.

Yes, exactly!

Jeannie gets
it. Come on!

Stupidest idea I've
ever heard, Doug.

It is the stupidest idea
I've ever heard.

No one wants a mold
of their own penis.

No, that's not
what I'm saying. Of course not.

No. But think
about it, all right?

He's away on business,

she's at home all alone,
missing her man.

What does she do, huh?

Reaches for the bottom drawer,

opens it up. Two hands. Stop.

Gonna need two hands.
No, no.

Stop with the bottom drawer.

Doug, do not get Sarah a mold
of your penis as a gift.

Why not? Its unique proportions
make it quite habit-forming.

Jeannie, will you
please tell Doug

that his penis is not fritos?

I'm stuck
on "unique proportions."

Can you elaborate?

You know what? I know what this
is about. It's so obvious to me.

Look at him.

You-you are so upset
about me and Sarah.

It drives you crazy.
It's so obvious.

Ah, you know what?
You're right.

This is a brilliant idea.

It is. Put me down for two dozen.

Hanukkah is right
around the corner.

You're right around the corner.

What does that even mean?

Shut up.

What does that even mean?

Shut up, I said, so...

God. So annoying to me.


Hey, these are schmancy digs.

I think we're overpaying you.

You're definitely overpaying us. Yeah.

What can I help you with?

I was feeling bad about
our encounter earlier.

I was downtown.
I thought maybe

I would see if I could
take you to lunch.

Well... it's 2:45,
so I had lunch.

Yeah, yeah. So it is.

It's the truth.

Uh, and you've had high tea?

Now, I know a place that got
just bitchin' tea service.

They've got clotted cream,
their sandwiches so tiny...

Can't even see 'em.

Well, I am a fan
of invisible sandwiches...


For sure, but, um,

I actually have a shitload
of work to get done

for this kind of asshole client?

How big an asshole?
The biggest kind

you could imagine.

Like, "oh, I went to brown

"because I wanted
Ivy league status,

but everyone
to think I'm an artist."

Okay, I hate him.

He's the worst. Mm-hmm.
I hate him.

He's the worst. Listen,
it would serve him right

if you drop everything you're
doing, just leave right now,

spend the rest of
the afternoon with me.


Oh, by the way.

I should tell you,

I don't really know a place
with good tea service.

Besides england.

Do you have tea at your house?

(Phone chimes)

All right, got to go.

See you later.

♪ ♪

Marty: "Jaguars and
saber-toothed cats hunted

their prey on what's now
the miracle mile."


Does it hurt?


Doesn't hurt.

(Clears throat)

Let's go.

You want to take a picture?

Hey, don't-don't...
Don't do that.

So, are we just
gonna walk around

and look at the animals all day,
or are we gonna talk about...

We got to finish
this project, don't we?

Yeah, okay. Um...

I was jogging.

I had my earbuds in.

I didn't hear the sirens.

I didn't hear
when the cops called out.

Then things got...

And they just hit you?


What did you do?

I... (Scoffs)

What could I do?

I just covered up and tried
to protect myself best I could.

Fucking racist cops.

Okay, Roscoe, come on.
They are.

Fucking racist.
And I don't care

Who fucking hears it.

Okay, okay, shh, shh, shh.

Okay, come here.

Shh. Listen.

Listen. Listen.


this wasn't about racist cops.

Yeah, that's a part of it,
but you can't think about it

in terms of good guy
and bad guy.

The bad guy doesn't always
look like the bad guy.


You put yourself
out there every day,

and I love that
about you. I do.

But you got to know
that not everybody is gonna...

You know, look at you
and see what I see.

I know, but I...

Listen, I-I know
you've dealt with a lot.

What I'm saying is, it-it...
It keeps coming at you.

And the shit doesn't get easier.

And you've been fierce about it.

You make good choices.

You make smart choices.

And you got to keep doing that.


All right.



This could happen to me.

Looking that fabulous?
You kidding me?


It's not gonna happen
to you, okay?


(Marty sighs)


I've been thinking.

If it's okay with you,
I'd like to move back home.

You want to move
back in with me?


There goes my sewing room.



You're breaking it to mom.

All right.
All right.

I'm going to the spider house.

Yeah, yeah.

It was somewhere.

(Sighs) I really, really thought
I had tea.

(Sighs) You know, I do have...


I'll take some quik.


You're not gonna be sorry.

Um, speaking of sorry,
I am sorry about this morning.

I'm not normally that...

I mean, I'm kind of a bitch,
but wes--

who's... who is
my former fiancé--

he, uh, sent me

a wedding invitation, so my...

Yeah, I know how that is.

I have an
ex-girlfriend who--

she not only invited
me to her wedding,

but sends me a Christmas card

every single year
with a picture of

these two redheaded fucks
that aren't my kids.

It's like, thank you?

(Chuckles) I just think

exes want closure.

They need to feel
like everything's okay.

I don't know why I feel like

this is more about spite

than closure, though.

"Fuck you, whore."

Well, could go either way.

Yeah, I think--
oh, well, and, also,

I have not now
nor ever plan to be

known by the name
cunty cunterson, so...

Come on. The po...

I'm sorry, but the post
office delivered this?

They thought

a cunty cunterson lived
at your address?

It's not professional at all.


He had to get a calligrapher

to do this. I'm so sorry.

You're having
such a shitty day. Wow.

It's all right.
You should go to this, though.

(Laughs) That's all right.

My day has gotten...
Slightly better,

because of meeting you.

Oh. Thank you.
I can be kind of charming.

You sure can.

You also, sir, manufacture
a pretty sweet fuck stick.


Which one?

The lucid dream number 14.

And that's a quality product,
is it not?

Is it ever...

You've tried it?

Yes, I've tried it.
I have one in right now.

Um, can I see?

Yeah, you can see.

Let's do this.

Let's do it.
Well, show me.

I don't know. I'm confused.
What's happening?

Um, I'm sorry.
That was a very...

That was a lame joke
for me to try

to get you
to take your pants off.

Oh, you want me to
take my pants off?

I would like you
to take your pants off, yes.

Also like it if you took off
your underwear, if you could.

How about this?

I will also take off
my pants in solidarity.

down. I don't...

Maybe I don't want
to have sex with you.

It's possible.

No, let's do this.
I doubt it.

Let's get these pants off,
just in case. Yeah, yeah.

Better safe than sorry.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

♪ ♪

Hey, grandpa, guess what.

I'm moving back home.

Oh, now, that's exciting.

It was time, you know.

It was, indeed.

We got to celebrate.

I can't wait to get back in
my room. Malcolm: I got it.

Woman: I'm telling you,
this is something special.

Malcolm: I got everything.
I got the Internet... yo.

Oh, hey!

Young Roscoe.

(Laughs) What's up, Uncle Malcolm?

Hey! Marty, I want you to meet

Dan, Heather

and Byron.
This is him, y'all.

Aren't you guys
supposed to jump up

and say surprise or
something? (Laughter)

This is my brother Marty. Yeah.

Roscoe, go-go
finish your project.


Shit that happened to you--
it's a goddamn outrage.

Bro, you would not believe

the phone call I had
while you were gone.

Oh, no.
This reporter from

the L.A. times...
Stop right there, man.

No, no, no, no, no.
Hear me out.

Here me out.
Come on, have a seat.

Uh, want a drink?

Heather: Have a drink. No drink.

So, we're not
talking about a blurb

in a crime blotter.
This reporter

thinks that your story
can be a springboard.

A springboard for what?

A larger examination of race
right here in Los Angeles.

Series of articles.

Possibly front page.

The reporter's been nominated
for a pulitzer.

A pulitzer? Wow.

Mm-hmm. And he's eager

to sit down with you, Marty.

Now, it doesn't
have to be today.

Or tomorrow.

There is
a time sensitivity to it.

Yeah, it's-it's


Okay. Um...

Uh, Dan, Heather and Brian...

It's-it's Byron.


Dan, Heather, Byron.

Get the fuck out
of my apartment.

I need you to stop occupying

my couch right fucking now.
Heather: Oh.

Uh, squirrel, what are you
doing? Yo, sorry, brother,

that I ruined your
little "my brother got

his ass kicked" party.
But you got to go.

Kick rocks. Move.

Uh, no, no, no, my man.

You leave the cheese
and the cracker.

(Chuckles) Yeah.

I'm not fucking around.

(Door opens)



You gonna do
this shit right now?

Yo, you got to go
get baby girl, right?

Heather, baby, wait up!

(Door closes)


I'm not gonna be

some poster child, okay?

Yeah, you want this to be
a, uh, private matter.

Yeah. All right, all right.

That's cool.

But your brother...


This is something
he knows about, Marty,

and, uh, he's trying to make
a connection with you.

Are you feeling okay?

I mean, do we need to adjust

your meds or something?

He's trying, Marty.

He doesn't...

This isn't about me and him.

He's trying to show off
for-for Brian and-and the chick

that got, you know, has got
her tits all over his dick.

He's a fucking selfish
motherfucker-- he uses people.

Must be like looking
in the mirror.

Do we have any peanut butter?

I don't know. Try an apple.

All right.

You know, you used
to be like him.

Hmm? Warm and forgiving.

Open to connection.


You got to grab
this opportunity, man.

Take inventory.

The shit that's not working
for you-- get rid of it.

The shit that is--

well, take it off the
back shelf, blow the dust off

and hold it out there
for everybody.

Well, for somebody.
(Phone ringing)



Right in the middle
of a session, too.


Why didn't you answer

my text, Marty?
Vegas is a nightmare.

Where are you?
Yeah, it's been kind of a...

Carlson is losing his shit.
He is tearing apart

our acquisition targets,
finding irregularities.

Is that Marty on the line?

Tell him I want
his ass out here.

Do you hear him?

He wants your ass
out here right now.

Yeah, I heard. I heard.

Listen, it's-it's not
really a good time right now.

What, is he saying no?

Remind him that I own his ass.

I own your ass, motherfucker!

Okay, you need this.

We need this.

You cannot set up your own shop

coming off of an $80 million
deal blowing up in your face.

Get here now.


(Jet engine roaring)

So, you and Nate were working?

Yes, Nate and I were working.

Then why is your shirt



Jeannie beans,

you've been out
of the game a while.

It was a dark, dark time.

Budding young hos
with no one to look up to.

Mm. And that's what it's
really all about, isn't it?

Inspiring the next generation.

Thank you for reminding
me, Clyde. Of course.

You should
always remember that.

How long had it been?
For real.

Uh, three months, 14 days.


What is that?

I'm asking Jeannie.

Are you serious right now?

Doug, are you keeping
a fucking diary or something?

Of course.

Oh, my God.
What? No.

Oh, by the way, I spoke to Nate

about your, um,
build-a-dick idea.

He was totally into it,
and he says he'll let you

do yours for free if
you're interested. Ooh.

If I'm interested?
Are you kidding me?

That was the whole point...

Right, you're messing with me.


Am I losing my acting chops
or is he getting smarter?

Sadly, I think
he's getting smarter.

I doubt it.

I, uh, ran into a door.

Woman (Over speaker):
Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to your flight
to Las Vegas today.

Please make sure...

Bullshit, you ran into a door.

Oh, yeah.

Over and over and over again.

Either under your seat
or in the overhead bins.

Also, make sure that your
seat backs and tray tables

are in locked
and upright positions...


and all seat belts
are securely fastened.

Have a nice flight.

I got into an altercation
with the cops.


Are you gon...
I mean, was there any...


You don't want
to talk about it?



Okay, you know what I
do want to talk about?

Cock rings.

And Ben wa balls.

And dildos and... plugs.

And, uh...

Bullets, eggs,
beads, harnesses.


Blinders, restraints.

Baby, I just need to know,
did you use them all,

or did you save something up
for the second date?

Oh, you heard.
Heard what?


So, what's the story?

There's no story.

There's a story.
Come on.

Did the dildo king
find his dildo queen?

Oh, please.

Obviously, I would prefer he did
not sell vibrating hoo-has.

Well, obviously.

Right, but...
I mean, I-I like him.

Oh, yeah?




If you want to talk about it

or, you know, (Chuckles)

To this or other...
I know.

I know right where to find you.

Right this way, please.

Mr. Carlson.

Would someone explain
the grand canyon to me?

Five million visitors a year.

Park service is making money
hand over fist, and for what?

It's a big fucking hole.

(Chuckles) Yeah, we, uh...

We'll look into that.

But, uh, you had some
(Clears throat) Questions

about the acquisition targets.

There were some concerns
with irregularities.


With the acquisition targets.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.

No, no, I'm over that.


Oh, my God.

Grumpy cat is such an asshole.

Oh, my God.

He's over that.
You know what?

I'm gonna buy atari.
That's what's gonna happen.



I'll see you later, Marty.




(Crowd cheering) Man: Winner!

Oh, yeah!
(Cheering continues)

Now you got to hit it though.

And I believe in you,

because you are my friend.
I believe in you...

You know what?
I'm going big on it.

I'm going big on it.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah. Hard eight.

Brother, do you see
what's on the table?

I don't give a fuck.

Let me see them rocks.
Let's go.

Guys, we need a fucking eight.

Let's go. We need an eight!

This is no joke!

I mean, we really
need an eight!

Let's go, baby!

(Voices fading)

(Dice rattling)

You feeling lucky?

I'm standing next to the man,
Marty. Roll it, baby!

Why don't you handle it.
Tell me if I win.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

♪ I'll be thinking of you still
in the stillness ♪

♪ of my life ♪

♪ we'd be drinking love
until the day ♪

♪ you'd rather hear yourself ♪

Crowd (Chanting):
Eight, eight, eight, eight!


One sec.

(Crowd cheering)

Give it! Pay up!


♪ You'll be thinking
of me still ♪

♪ in the stillness
of your life ♪

Thank God. I'm fucking starving.

♪ We'd be sharing promises ♪

♪ so warm and blessed ♪

♪ until you went to live ♪

♪ live by the nauseated ♪

♪ I set you free ♪