House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 2, Episode 6 - Family Values - full transcript

Marty questions his commitment to Galweather Stearn when events at an executive retreat come into conflict with his plans to do something important for Roscoe. Doug gains a new perspective ...

Previously on House of lies...

U.S. national bank
has requested

a sit-down with
a team headed

specifically by you. Ah.

I mean, I don't have to tell you how
valued you are here at galweather.

You are one of our stars.

My God. I have a 94% match

with a shy Sarah.

Doug. (Gasps) That's your match?

When I'm through with the job,
I'm staring at a boatload of cash.

And what happens when
you leave galweather?

If you ever leave?

What's that supposed to mean?

And you met your husband.

Yes, Kevin.
He's amazing.

He's smart. (Sighs)

I'm a... I'm a lucky girl.

To think that your boss

tried to talk me
out of hiring you.


My-my boss what?

Julianne (Over microphone):
Enlightened leadership.

Team enhancement.

These are the hallmarks

of the apex program.

Now, during our stay here,

we are going to be hearing

from some of
the brightest minds,

the most forward thinkers,

leaders in the field

of cutting-edge
corporate innovation.

Simply put, this weekend
is a game-changer.

The apex institute.

Galweather stearn's
latest attempt

at distancing itself

from its sordid past.

So we pay

these assholes a fuck-ton

of our hard-fleeced money

so they can sell us
the same old antiquated bullshit

about team building
and leadership skills,

repackaged as the future
in corporate ingenuity.

It's all part of
the "new ethics."

Spearheaded by this woman.

Julianne hofschraeger.

That wolf in Gucci clothing

that tried to Judas me

on the U.S. national bank

Now, I can either stir up
a shit storm

of epic proportions
over this, or...

I can just sit back

and smile and nod,

collect my riches,

while she tries to convince us

that we've entered into an era

of new values based leadership.

(Horse whinnies)


It is a new era

at galweather stern.

An era of responsible,

values based leadership.

A time for us not
simply to survive,

but to thrive.

As a family.


All right, guess we gotta

do this bullshit. Hey.

Come on. Let's go
get the boy wonder.

I was wondering if you were
gonna show up.

Well, you can stop wondering.

You okay?

Do you really want
to hear about it?

I didn't think so.

Am I bleeding? Are you all right?

Feel like...
Punched you in the face.

Went right in the face.
Doug: Yeah! Oh, God, yeah!

(Doug moans,
bedsprings creaking)

Oh... my God.

Yeah, okay, there is it.

Doug: That's...

(Laughs) What is that?

He is definitely masturbating.

(Woman moans) What,
with a split personality?

Sounds like...

(Doug groaning loudly) Doug? Oh, Doug.

Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug!

Doug? Doug! Okay, what?

Jesus, Doug. Doug: Jesus Christ.

How the fuck did you
get this room?

I, um, house-sat for Pam
the events coordinator

last weekend. Who cares, who
cares about the room, okay?

Is your girlfriend here?

Doug does not
have a girlfriend.

Yeah, I do.

Sarah. I met her
in San Diego. Marty,

I talk about her all the time.

It just doesn't ring a bell.

So she's here?

Mm-hmm. Well, let's meet it.

"It"? Her... she... is, um...

No way.

(Laughing): No way.

She is... (Clears throat)

She's indisposed at the moment.

Another time.
We have no problem waiting.

I don't know.
Well, he has a sitting area.

An actual fucking sitting
area... Okay. No. Hey, Jeannie.

Hey, hey! No!
(Talking over each other)

Guys! No! I don't...

Oh. Hey.

Shut the fuck up.

(Giggles) Hi.

This is the pod.

This is great.

Finally get to meet the pod. Yeah.


Not at all awkward.

To do that.
I'm sorry. Um...

Yeah, you know
what? Um...

This is Marty, and Clyde.

I'm Clyde. It's very
nice to meet you. Oh!

Oh! Oh, my goodness.

That's a weird style
got a towel on.

Of shaking hands.
And, um, Jeannie,

of course.

Always outside our door
when we've had sex.


Does feel like that,
doesn't it?

How does that work?

So... So. So...

Why don't you get scrubbed up

and let's go sit in the
stupid-ass lotus position?

Yeah. I will. I'm coming.

Right behind you.

(Giggles) I heard it as I was saying it.

I heard it as well.



So... oh, yes. Yes. Very nice

to meet all of you.
It was so nice

to meet you, Sarah. Okay,
yeah, we covered that, Clyde.

And, Doug?

You sound like a
foghorn when you come.

(Laughing) Go.

(Clyde imitating foghorn):
Hee-haw! Hee-haw!

Hee-haw... Get off of me. Fuck you.

Marty: Like if the
queen Mary got a donkey

stuffed into its foghorn.

Well, she wants to fuck you.



Oh, okay.

Okay, hello, everyone.

Or should I say...


Nah, I wouldn't say
that. Doug: Hey, guys.

Sorry I'm late.
Had to change the sheets,

if you know what I mean.

This is exciting, isn't it?

Dr. day is a God

in the field
of mindful meditation.

The man doesn't get out of bed

for less than six figures.

Ooh, he sounds great.

He sounds lazy.

So... head on out.

We're gonna meditate!

Yes. "Na-mayste."

Oh, hey,

Marty, can I...?

Just for a sec, just for a sec.

So, um...

I wanted to, uh, check in,

see how everything
is going with brynn

and U.S. national.

Great. Yeah, I
think brynn is...

Very satisfied.

Were there some concerns?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Honestly, I was just,
I was just checking in.

I'm sure you're gonna

knock it out of the park for us.

Well, thank you for that
vote of confidence.


Oh, wait!
Wait, wait.

Really exciting news.

We dug deep in the coffers
and we were able to get

Malcolm gladwell.


Wow. He is going to
fly in this afternoon

to speak to the partners

about choice and happiness.
That is awesome.

Fuckin' a, huh? (Laughs) Right.

It's great. Yeah, it's unbelievable.

I wish I could be here for it.

Do you have someplace more
important that you have to be?

Well, not...
Look, my kid...

It's performing arts day
at his school,

and I gotta...
In Los Angeles?


I mean, th-that's a

two hour drive each way.

Uh, if I'm lucky.

I mean, it is Los
Angeles, you know.


You kn...

This weekend, um...

This seminar, this is
really important for

the future of this company.

Your future.


Don't you think that you should

be here for all of it?

I mean... I would love to, and I wish

there were two of me--
a lot of people do--

but I made a promise
to my son, so...

Oh... look. I cannot

tell you the number
of dance recitals

and soccer games
that I have missed

over the years.

And I-I still
think I am

a pretty good parent.

I'm sure you do.


You know what?

I am confident

that you are going to
make the right decision.

(Tires squealing)


(Clyde laughs)

Hey, Clyde.

Sarah, right?

I didn't even see you here,
that's crazy.

I was just laying down for
a bit. (Laughs politely)

Your body looks like you got burnt
a little bit. Does it? (Gasps)

Oh, fuck... You're right. Yeah.

Do you see, when you put
your hand on... Oh, I got it.

Thank you. (Laughs)



You know, someday
we're gonna chat

when I have clothes on.

Bite your tongue.

So you and Doug
met on a dating web site?

We did, yeah.

What would a girl like you,

just hot

as hell...

Need with a dating web site?

(Giggles) Um...

They're a great way to weed
out douchebags.



I get it.
No, that makes total sense.

(Laughs) Let me help you out.

Uh, actually,
that's fine. I'm okay.

Thanks, though. Stop it.
You have such tiny hands...

...And you have so much skin.

Oh, they're doing the job.

Yeah. Thank you.
Do you know what you

really need? And
it's gonna sound weird...

Oh, I'm actually fine.

Women always forget
the cleavage.

The breasts always get
most of the attention.

No, I don't think they do.
No one forgets their...

Are you sure?

Never forget.
Never... (Laughs) Right.

Your tits are like 9/11.

All right.

Okay. So I'm gonna head out.

But if you need anything,
you know my room number, okay?


All right, nice to see you.

Nice to see you, too.

Take care.

You take care of your own self. I will.

Don't forget, okay?


Jesus Christ.

Gita, hey.
Almost missed it.

(Piano playing)

Hey, pop.

I didn't miss anything, right? No.

Oh, that was wonderful.
So beautiful. Thank you, girls.

How about that?


Hey, baby.
Mmm. Sorry I'm late.

I didn't miss him, did I?

No, no. He's up next.

Oh, sweet.

Gita: Mrs. Anderson's
fourth-grade class.



Huh? We'll talk about this later.

Oh, yeah, we'll definitely
gonna talk about it later.

Okay, now our next group had
their hearts set on "krumping"

for you all, but although
we're against

any form of artistic censorship,
we're also big fans of being

respectfully appropriate.

So please welcome Roscoe kaan,

Philip Davis, susie Ellis
and Virginia prazar

doing a routine from pippin.

They're doing pippin.

Why do you sound excited?

It's a good play.
Ben vereen.

Yeah, I know who's in it.

(Hip-hop music plays)

♪ Party on the wall,
looking for a bad one ♪

♪ you looking for some dick?
Well, I have one ♪

Oh! ♪ I'm not a titty man,
girl, you got have buns ♪

♪ I'm that high sauce ♪

♪ and one, like the man said,
on like a generator ♪

♪ smoking hella weed,
I think I need a ventilator ♪

♪ and I ain't talking stacks
on deck ♪

♪ I'm talking
sit up on a dick... ♪

♪ sit up on a dick,
girl, it's nothing ♪

♪ pull them panties down ♪

♪ I'm trying to play
with your muffin ♪

Ooh! Ooh! ♪ I'm just
trying to function ♪

♪ ain't no use in fronting,
got the biggest Booty ever ♪

♪ can a player hit... ♪

♪ Bitch, sit on a dick, s-o-d,
trick, sip on the fifth ♪

♪ you ain't talking about dick,
then you talking about chips ♪

♪ that chips, bitch,
sit up on a dick ♪

♪ sit up on a dick... ♪

Gita: That's certainly
not pippin. Stop. Stop!

Just stop it. Stop!
Can someone turn off that music?

Someone turn that off, please?

Man (Over p.A.): Red, blue
teams, head to the raft race.

It's, um, who fucking...?

All right, who cares?
Um, a guy

with a dick
with big granny titties.

It's okay. Paper and at the lower

left-hand side, what is it?
A signature. Is there a movie

called big titty signatures?

(Groans) What?

Growling, hitting the board
doesn't help, Doug, okay?

Okay, time's up. Again.

No! Come on! Serious?
God, "Santa claus!"

Where do you see Santa claus
in any of that shit?

"Saint," obviously, halo.

Then what is this?

These are big titties.
Do you see 'em?

That's hands together!

Old grandma titties!
Don't disrespect the hands.

And then there's
just like a document.

It's a contract.
This is the clause part.

You expect me, you expect me
to get the clause part?

Saint clause.
Santa claus.

You're a fucking idiot, okay?
You're honestly the worst

person I've ever seen in
my whole fucking life.

You're gonna eat it
out there today, oberholt!

We are gonna win on that raft.

Why don't you do some more coke,

Never done coke
a day in my life.

What the fuck
is wrong with you?

What's wrong with you?
Get out of here!

Don't tell me what to do? Hey,
Doug. We're gonna win, dick.

Hey, Francis.

Don't say hello to Francis.
You know what?

Hey, just take the tape, guys.

Wait. For real?

Yeah. That guy's an asshole.
He made fun of my hair earlier.

What? You have beautiful hair.

Thank you. Let's go. Stop it. Come on.

Go, go, go.
Look at you.

Look at them.
Look at them.

Yeah, they look like winners.

Why are they trying so hard?

Why aren't you trying so hard?!

Because who gives a fuck?
Because we can win this thing!

Being a team!
That's what this is about.

Oh, my God! This is you.

You're driv... Don't be
an asshole. Give me that.

The raft's almost done.

We're almost finished, oberholt.
You getting nervous, asshole?

What's your fucking problem,

My fucking problem is
you and your pod walk around

like you're the shit.

Not so much the shit when

Marty kaan's not around to hold
your hand, are ya?! (Laughs)

Finished! It's done! Yes!

Shit! Come on.
Keep going.

Keep going.
Fuck it, let's go.

No, no, no, no. We're not done.
We have to secure the bamboo.

The bamboo's fucking fine.
Grab that end right now.

One, two, three, up.
You better row

like a fucking champion
out there, Doug.

What? Me? When was that decided?

Did you or did you not
row crew at Harvard?

Well, as second alternate.
I never made it out

of the rowing tanks.
Now is your fucking chance.

I don't know. I feel like
we have an unfair advantage.

Doug, Doug, will you be
a team player

for once in your fucking life?!

What did you...? Me?
I'm always a team player!

Doug, get in the fucking raft!
Get in the fucking raft!

Okay, okay, yeah.
Go! Ready?

Up. Pop it in there.

Get the hell out of
there. Go, go, go, go, go!

Let's go. Let's go.

No way. Uh-uh, no fucking way.
That is not stable.

Go, goddamn it! All right,
all right, all right!

All right, here we go. Jeannie,
don't push me. Doug, right now.

I got it. I got it. Give me
the oar. Give me the oar!

Oh, God! Oh, my God,
oh, my God!

(Crowd shouting)

Nice shorts.

Hey, man, fucking
second place, asshole.

Yeah, Doug!


(Overlapping shouting)

Stop smiling. Just go!

Oh, my God!

I got this, man, I got this!

You got it, Doug.
Let's go, Dougie.

Doug! Doug!


Fuck you, oberholt!


Help me! I can't swim!
I can't swim!

Do something!


You fucking losers!

We win!

Oh, my God.

(Crowd cheering)

You're a big fucking
idiot, Doug.

It's that shallow?

Ooh, God, is the heating on?

Ugh! Take it,
just get it all off.

Yeah, can you...?
I've got it, yeah.

You know, it's my fault really

if you think about it.

I should have

just been honest
with them, you know?

Yeah, they they wouldn't have
bullied you into doing it.

Bullied? What? I don't think
I was exactly bullied.

Really? So, what,
you volunteered?

Even though you don't
know how to swim?

Well, no. Come on. It's a little
more complicated than that.

Oh, sounds like it.

You're gonna be late
for your party.

Our party.

Yeah, I don't think I should go.

No, it's no problem, honestly.

I'm just gonna say
you're a new hire.

I don't want to go, Doug!

What? Why not? Honestly? Yeah.

Because the people you work with
are assholes. No, they're not.

Yeah, and they don't respect
you, yeah.

And I don't wanna be around
them. They... listen to me.

They do respect me.
It's a consultant thing.

They kinda have
their own way of doing it.

Okay, well, I don't think they
were being very respectful

when they knocked on our door
while we were having sex.

Well, in fairness, they did wait
until we were finished, so...

I'm sorry.

And they weren't respectful
of you at your...

Boat race thing.
I know.

And Clyde certainly wasn't
respectful of me when he hit on me.

Clyde hit on you?

When I was laying out
by the pool.

Were you wearing that, that sexy
little pink two-piece?

What the fuck does that have
to do with anything?

Hold on.
That's not what I mean.

You just look so sexy

in that thing.
You do. And, and,

listen, I know Clyde, all right?
He talks a very big game,

but I honestly don't think he
would "hit on you" hit on you.

Mm-hmm, okay. He offered
to rub sunblock on my tits.

Well, that's kind of like
a handshake for Clyde.

Oh, Doug. I'm sorry. I
don't know why I do it.

Honestly, you-you act like these
people are better than you,

and they're not.

You're smarter.

Well, yeah.

Yeah, you're more
handsome, okay? (Chuckles)

You're better than them.

And the fact
that you don't see it

kinda makes you seem
like a putz.

I'm gonna go get ready.


Clyde: And what's gonna
happen when the raft breaks?

You're gonna start drowning.

Hey, have you guys...? Hey, hi. Hey.

Have you guys seen Marty?


Um, 'cause I want to know.

Well, he's not back yet.

Well, fuck him then.
Let's have a party!

Let's get some shots.

(All clamoring)

Let's do one more!

Gotta hear it. Give me one
Marty b-school story.

Oh, yeah. Come on.
More, more, more, more.

He made me a mix tape once.

Marty made you a mix tape?

Shut the the fuck up.
Marty kaan?

Did you guys remember
that song, "I swear"?

Are you kidding me.
Yes, or course.

You know what?
You know what? I bet

he went to the all-4-one's

over the far superior

John Michael Montgomery.

Oh, my God,
I'm gonna make you a mix cd.


Oh, there he is.


You guys seem
to be having a good time.

Tamara was actually
just telling us

what a sweetheart
you were in b-school.

I am putting all your shit out
there tonight, honey.

That's fantastic.

Did you use to bring her coffee

when she was up sleepy
all night studying? Mm-hmm.

How you used to go
to poetry slams together.

How you made her
an admittedly flawed,

but nonetheless thoughtful
mix tape.

(Singsongy): You loved
Tamara! You loved Tamara!


I got a little bit drunk.

Yeah, we could tell.

Yeah, what started all this?

I was just saying how much

this party reminds me of the
ones we had at b-school.

Really? Well, unless there's
a keg of natty ice somewhere

and Monica's passed out
in the corner, I don't think

this is anything
like b-school days.

Oh, okay, well, maybe I just
wanted to reminisce.

And now,

I think I want to dance.

Oh, boy. Marty, do you want to dance?


Marty, come dance with me.

Dance, Marty.

No, no, no, not unless I get
caught up with you guys first.

Okay, all right, well,
if you're gonna go to the bar,

just get us another, um,

a bottle 'cause we're empty,
we're done.

Get a bottle.

A bottle?

You sure?

I'm sure, I swear.

I swear!

♪ by the moon ♪

♪ and the stars in the sky ♪

♪ I'll be there... ♪

Oh, hey.

Marty, just...

Just checking in.
Checking... (Laughs)

So, uh, how was
your son's recital?

Oh, it was amazing.
Was it?

Yeah, really fantastic--
not to be missed.

Y-you know what?

So was Mr. gladwell.

Ooh, he was brilliant.

Great. I wish that you
could've been there.

Yeah, there's no goddamn way
I can keep doing this.

I'm sorry.
Doing what?

This, this passive aggressive
bullshit dance that we do

whoa, whoa. While you try to handle me.

I'm not following you. I
can't fucking take it, Jules.

I'm not foll...
I'm sorry.

Really, are you sure?
Because you're

a lot of things, Jules,
but stupid isn't one

of them.

Is this about to be real?

What you're gonna say right now,
you're gonna hit me the real...

The real straight talk?

Bring it.

You should know
that this aggression...

This aggression?

This aggression of yours

will no longer be tolerated
by this company.

Is that straight enough for you?

Yeah. (Clears throat)

(Laughs) Yeah,
I'm sorry, it's, uh...


It's not gonna happen again.

I so sincerely hope really
that you mean that

because together I
know that we can do

great things for this company.

We all just...

We have to know our place.

Our place.

(Music playing,
indistinct crowd chatter)

(Upbeat music plays)

(Hip-hop music playing)
♪ here we go now ♪

♪ that fool's out
of control now ♪

♪ here we go now ♪

♪ fool's out of control... ♪

(Rock music playing)

(Upbeat pop music plays)

Hey, hey, Jeannie,
can I talk to you for a second?


(Laughs) Come on.

Hey, no, just take...
Just for one second.

No, Doug.

No, Jeannie, for real,
honestly, please?

Okay, all right.

Sorry, uh...

Oh, they have...

What, what's up?

All right, so,
I'm just gonna...

Come right out and ask.

Do you think that
Clyde would ever, uh,

hit on Sarah?

(Inhales deeply)

Yes, definitely. Why?


Because we're friends.



Oh, no, no, Doug.

Clyde does not care about you.

Clyde doesn't care about me.

Clyde just cares about Clyde.


But you know that, right?

Huh? Yeah.

Yeah. (Laughs)

It's Clyde.

It's Clyde. No, that's
what I was saying.

It's Clyde, classic Clyde.

That's what you
were saying, okay.

Water off a duck's back for me.

Doug, there you are. Hello.
Yeah, you found me.

I was looking for you.
I'm right here.

You ready to call it a night? Yeah.

I was just saying to Jeannie,
let's get out of here.

Okay, so, um...

I can't find my purse.

You lost it somewhere?

Yeah, so I'm...
You want to...?

Oh, gosh, yeah, of course.

I'll, uh, I'm on the case.


Good night, Jeannie.

We're not gonna have
a problem, are we?

Why would we have a problem?

You know,

your crush
that you have on Doug.


I don't have a crush
on Doug. Mm-hmm, okay.

I don't... no, Sarah,
I do not have a cru...

I am not at all
interested in-in Doug.

Great, so just leave it there.
Yeah. Okay.

And we won't have any problems.

Correct, correct.

Great, then have a good night.

The fuck is happening tonight?

I tell everybody in the office.

Ask this guy right now-- Doug?
No, you don't.

Haven't I always said that
zanna's the hottest girl

in the office?
And then he says...

No, no, he says

he'd let you blow him
if you lost ten pounds.

That's a joke, that's a joke. Wha...?

That's... he's just
kidding around.

Well, thank you, Doug. Sorry. Zanna?

Why would you have to
lose weight to blow me?


What the fuck was that?

I would like to know why
you don't respect me, Clyde.

I don't know, maybe it's 'cause
you're a fucking cockblock?

No, no, no, I mean it.
A real answer.

Why don't you respect me?

Are you being serious?

All right, here it comes, Doug.

This is what you want--
Doug, I respect you.

Then why would you
hit on my girlfriend?

Is that what this is about?

Doug, I'm not trying to steal
your fucking girlfriend.

Yeah, because you couldn't
steal my girlfriend.

Aw... I...

I can, I can if I wanted to.

You know, Clyde,

most people here think that
you're just a selfish asshole.

But not me, I've never thought
that-- you know what I think?

I think that you're a sad,
deeply insecure little man,

who has to tear people down just
to feel better about himself.

I do think that you are
a good person,

but I feel truly sorry for you.


Is this what you're like when
you start getting laid, man?

'Cause honestly I don't like it.

Well, I do.

I really do.

And if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go

and fuck
my really hot girlfriend.

I'm saying you look
good out there, girl.

Oh, am I taking you back?

Maybe, I still got the moves.

Mm, have you tried
the jacuzzi in your room yet?

You do not have a
jacuzzi in your room.

Yes, are you...

You jealous?

Well, I'm not gonna
be sleeping in a room

that doesn't have a jacuzzi,
I'll tell you that, goddamn...

Mm. It's just the
principle of the thing.

So where we gonna sleep, Marty?


What's with you?

Where you...? I don't know, tonight...

The sloppy drinking...

Uh, first of all, I'm
not sloppy. Well...

You've been off since
you got here, Tamara.

Marty kaan, are you
concerned about me?

Are you gonna tell me
what the fuck's up?

No, I'm not.



Not unless
you tell me something,

something deep.

Something dark.

Something nobody else knows.

(Clears throat)

I'm leaving the company.



I don't know.

But I'm done with this bullshit.

All this...

Running in circles and this
bitch trying to handle me.

I mean, I-I try
really fucking hard

just to-to hang in here,

and make this shit work,
but it's over, it's done.

You know what I think?

I think I got under
your skin a little bit.

You did.


So that's my deal.


So, Kevin decides
to take this job

in New York even
after we promised

one another that once
the kids were old enough

that my career
would take priority.


He hasn't changed
much since b-school.

No, no, he has not
changed at all actually.

So, what does this mean?

It means as far as I'm concerned

my marriage is over.

We're about to close
this area down.


Hey, what's your name again?


Have you been in the
jacuzzis in these rooms?

As far as my bosses know,

I have not.

You're a bad girl, Amy.
Oh, Amy.

What about tonight--
you want to, um,

want to try it out tonight--
I mean, it's open invitation.



And frightened Marty runs away.

You're such a pussy.

How am I pussy for...

Trying to have a three-way.


Ah, fuck.

♪ Bitch, sit on a dick ♪

♪ s-o-d, trick,
sip on the fifth ♪

♪ you ain't talking 'bout shit ♪

♪ unless you talking 'bout chips
that chips, bitch ♪

♪ sit up on a dick,
sit, sit up on a dick ♪

♪ sit up on a dick, sit, sit up
on a dick ♪