House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 2, Episode 5 - Sincerity Is an Easy Disguise in This Business - full transcript

Previously on House of Lies...

My name is
Julianne Hofschraeger.

You know that we're
hemorrhaging business

with the big guys
leaving, right?

You're the new Jesus Christ
and I am counting on you

to close like a motherfucker.

But trust me, I'm not here
to outshine you.

'Cause I'm the goddamn sun.

I fucked my boss,
told the whole company.

Left my handsome, rich

fiancé and got kicked out of our
stunning downtown loft.



You put together six months
of sobriety...

and I'll vanish.

You're, like, the fucking
morality Nazi or something.

Are you taking
Parkinson's drugs?

Do the math.

Night, Daddy.
Night, Mom.

Is this some sort
of a legal custody grab?

He's already here, Marty.

(people chanting)

Get my man right there.

One percent took
my pants, yo.

Pants?

They're taking our jobs.

Busting up our unions.



He used to have
a pot to piss in.

Corporate warmongers
took that shit, too.

(crowd clamoring in agreement)

See, it's real simple.

I'm about getting brown folks
to see that our money

is tied up in Wall Street, too.

And I ain't stopping
until we get some

economic equality
up in this bitch!

Right, that's right.

I'm a fighter.

Guess I got that from my pops.

JEREMIAH:
Empowering the disenfranchised.

Mm.

It's a powerful drug,
isn't it, son?

Oh, yeah.
Mm.

Yeah, anybody ever
tell you that, uh,

double-dipping bread
is unsanitary?

This bread is
why I invited y'all here.

I've been jonesing
for it since my last visit.

Last visit, what was it,
like, three years ago?

It hasn't been
that long.

Well, I was
into Soulja Boy,

so, yeah, it's been forevs.

My bad, little man.

But I'm back.

Hey, hey, oh, oh.
Hey.

(Malcolm laughing)

You got a very strong community

of supporters
on that Twitter.

ROSCOE:
They're his "tweeple," Grandpa.

They're his what?

His "tweeple."
Yeah, his "tweeple."

I've been, uh,

I've been talking to Cornel.

(laughs) West?

So, Cornel West knows you?

Yeah. (clears throat)

He retweeted me one time
and I retweeted him.

There is dialogue.

I think it's pretty fierce
that you've been living

in a tent community--
hit me up next time.

I got you.
See, Pops, he's already on...

He's ready for the movement!

It's in the blood,
it's in the blood.

There's no chance in hell

you're gonna be staying in some

rat-infested candy shop
for pedophiles.

So forget about it.
Shit, there's more

sharks in your tank
than mine, Squirrel.

Please don't call me that.

What was that nickname--
Squirrel?

'Cause your daddy was always
trying to get a nut.

I'm stealing that, yo.
I think

that's a bad idea, yo.

So, uh,

you running Galweather?

I mean,

all that tap-dancing, you got
to be the man by now.

Wow, all up in
my nut sack again.

The way you hoard that shit,

ain't no way.
Why are you so concerned about my career?

I'm just telling it like it is.

(arguing indistinctly)

Marty? Malcolm?

Huh?

Okay?

You okay, Pop?

Hmm?

Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

Got my three men here.

Everything is good, hmm?

(Malcolm sighs)

(sighs)

Give it here.

Come on.

You sure, Dad?
I'm sure.

'Cause I could...
You know... I know, next time.

Thanks.

Thanks for the invite, Malcolm.

Well, if big-money
Squirrel is paying,

I'm getting me
some pot de creme.

Add pot de creme
to that to-go order.

JEANNIE: I just really don't see
why we have to actually do it.

Well, if we are going to give
Cupid Chemistry a real gut

on how to expand
into niche markets

for their online dating
Web site, using this matching

algorithm, then we're gonna...

Doug?

Hmm?
New rule.

You don't have to raise your
hand if you need to go tinkle.

I want to ask you something--
is my index finger

shorter than my ring finger,

or the same length?

ALL: Shorter.

God, they are thorough,
I'll give them that.

Yeah, you know why they ask
the question about

the index finger, Doug?
Mm-hmm?

Because a man's index finger

is directly proportional
to the size of his...

No.
100% accurate.

(laughing):
Obviously it's not... no.

Why do I suddenly want
to fuck Arsenio Hall?

(laughs)
Please.

I will put my finger
against Arsenio's dick

any day of the week.

Aw...
Wow.

whoops.
Kiddies,

Daddy's done.

How are you done?
Not possible.

There's like 500
fucking million questions

on this idiotic
dating profile.

MARTY: Yes,

and I answered all of them

with the careless abandon
of not giving a shit.

Good job, Daddy.

The Cupid Chemistry CEO
was kind enough to give us

three weeks of membership
for free.

I think it behooves all of us

to give a shit.

When you say all of us,
who do you...?

Well, obviously not you,
Marty, I mean... Boo.

Fuck me.
Come on. Shit.

So, U.S. National Bank has
requested a sit-down with a team

headed specifically by you.
Ah.

Seems that you have made
quite a name for yourself.

Oh, thank you.
Well, I'm all over it.

And I think I'm gonna have one
of my new hires join you there.

You, uh, worked with Tamara
in Vegas, right? No...

Uh, yes, but if it's
all the same to you,

I'd just rather take somebody
from my own team.

Oh, yeah, sure, your call.

I mean, I don't have
to tell you how valued

you are here at Galweather.

You are one of our stars.

Translation--

Galweather is sinking
and you need

a new bank to make up
for the loss of Metrocapital.

You can just talk to me
like a professional,

Julianne-- you don't have
to tickle the balls.

You're right.

Neither of us has the time

so I'm gonna get to it.

Here is what I need
from the great Marty Kaan.

Go to Chicago,
bat your eyes, French kiss

some ass if that's what
it takes to bring

this home for Galweather.

Hope that didn't tickle.

Clyde, you used the word
"cock" in every answer?

That is not true.
"Clyde is more enthusiastic

than most people about
his big cock." Big ol' cock.

Sure, yeah, true.
"Clyde likes to work out in the mornings

with his big cock."
With his big ol' cock, yeah.

Maybe you and your big cock
should run off to Vermont

and get married.
Oh, I wish.

But we're just
not that compatible.

Sometimes he likes fat chicks.

Fam-a-lam, we are splitting up.

One of you is coming
to Chi-town with me.

Thank God-- see you
later, freak and geek.

Uh, no, Jeannie.

I'm taking Clyde.

You and Doug are going
to San Diego.

To take
on Cupid Chemistry.

Oh.

Okay, sure.

DOUG:
San Diego?

Doug Guggenheim calling.

Prepare to be painted red.
(laughs)

I'm feeling
something very real,

very scary forming
between the two of us.

Insert Clyde dick joke here.

No, no, no, no.

For real.

Thank you for letting
me second this one.

Jeannie is fucking
pissed though.

(laughs)
Well,

look, I can't play favorites,
you're both my kids.

Aw, shucks, Dad.

I've been waiting my whole life
to hear you say that.

(laughs)

(clears throat)

Did you not bring her
because she was bad in bed?

There he is.

(laughs)

Can't help it, can you?

Seriously though.

Thank you.

I needed some extra
shine at the office.

You work your ass off for these
motherfuckers and then...

poof, vaginas are the new dicks
at Galweather.

PILOT (over speaker):
Sit back, relax,

enjoy the rest of the flight.

We'll begin to descend
in about 15 minutes.

INSTRUCTOR (on TV):
To the right, to the left,

to the right, to the left.
One, two, three.

Mr. Criswell, the team
from Galweather is...

Oh, hey, hold on one sec.

So glad you guys could make it.

To the left.
I know you're tired...

Cool down's
coming up.

And we are done.
(yells)

Yeah!

WOMAN:
Good job, good job.

You got to take care
of the temple.

You must.
You got it, buddy, you got it.

(yelling)

Good, okay.

Carl, this is Marty Kaan.

And?

Clyde Oberholt.
Right.

They're the team
from Galweather.

Ah, my Galweather guys.

Ow.
Thought you saw it coming.

Sorry about that.
You work out, right?

Uh, yes, I do.

Yeah, what do you do?
I box.

You look really, really good.

Uh, thank you.

I'm sure you've

gotten a whiff
of the HSBC shit explosion?

Uh, yes.

Um, terrorist ties.
Yeah.

Money laundering using,

It's an outrage.
uh, U.S. bank accounts?

Yeah, in a climate
where people already

distrust the banking industry.

My nana keeps her money
in her bra.

Calls it God's pocket.

(laughs)

Mr. Criswell

has worked very hard
at making U.S. National

a different kind of bank.

A bank you can trust.

Family bank.

(sighs)
A bank

where every Jane
and John Smith,

Hernandez, Jackson,

hell, even Chang

can come with their kids
on a Saturday

and count the pennies
in their piggy banks.

Sounds lovely.

You open an account with us,

not because you get a
cherry pie, which you do,

but because
you trust us.

Trust and pie.

That's American,

and that's where you come in.

Oh, to be an American?

Oh, nuts.

Nuts.
I, uh, I forgot

my, uh, birth sac-tificate.

Certificate.
Certificate, at home.

(laughs)
This guy.

I got it.
Get it?

Obama joke. Yes.
Yeah.

'Cause he's black, it's
an Obama joke, sure.

Yeah, it's good.
Right. Well, we would like you

to perform a regression analysis
of our client base,

account security
and lending practices.

USNB takes its fiduciary
integrity very seriously.

Well, of course.

And we'll be working with
your compliance team? No.

Uh, they have already done
their analysis,

and you will be fresh eyes.

Okay.

Get you guys set up. All right.
Yep.

And, Brynn?

Yeah?
Do me a favor.

Give these guys some cherry pie.

Fresh eyes?

That is a little bit...
Weird.

Weird is right.
Yeah.

Plus Criswell is a little
rah-rah-sis-boom-bah

about America.

Doth I smell
a run for office?

I think thou dost.
Ah.

Uh, excuse me, Brynn?
Yeah?

What office is it
that your boy's gunning for?

What?
Come on.

We can smell a political
consultant a mile off.

Did I walk past a mirror?

You did. No reflection.

(chuckles)
Damn it.

He wants to be governor
next go-around.

Governor?
Well, his congressman daddy wants him to be governor.

He hasn't officially announced
an intention.

This is just
the strategy phase,

but I'm the lucky girl
that gets to eat,

sleep, and breathe
his political future.

So you're like a sexy Geppetto
in Manolos?

Right now, he's just another
fantastically rich white guy

with an unapologetic God complex

and an electable head
of hair plugs.

(chuckles)

Well, don't be so cynical
about rich white guys.

They're making a comeback.

Oh, you give me four years.

He'll be fucking Braveheart.

Ooh, with the face
paint and everything?

Mm-hmm.

It's weird
that he took Clyde, right?

Did you see the way
Clyde smirked at me?

Are you kidding me?

What?

Doug, your dating
profile pic.

What?

"Thank the Second Amendment..."

BOTH: "For these guns, ladies."
Yeah.

No.
What? I'm... That's...

What? That just says that
I'm fit and that I'm pro-NRA.

Big deal.

That's not what it says, Doug.

(tablet dings)
My God. Jeannie, look.

I have a 94% match

with, uh,
Shy Sarah from San Diego.

Oh, my God.
Should I...

Should I ask her out?

Hmm, Shy Sarah did not

post a profile pic.

Meh.
Do you know what that means?

She's shy because she's fugly.

Please don't say that.

This could be my soul mate,
Jeannie.

It means that you could forever
be known as Doug and Fug.

And how do you know that?

Because I will start it,
and obviously it will catch on.

(indistinct announcement
over P.A.) Oh, God, 94%.

That's high; I'm gonna
ask her out. I have to,

and I think you should ask out
one of your matches.

(scoffs) When the
fuck did I become you?

(tablet dings)

Look at this one.
This one's great.

Cameron the kung fu lover.

Are you logged on to my profile?
Well, yeah.

I'm trying to help you, Jeannie.

I'm not going out

with some Internet loser.
Fine.

Well, I did not want to have
to do this, Jeannie, but...

you leave me
with no choice.

All right, some...

tough love.

Here, this is you.

Excuse me, bigger boobs,

but patties, not links.

Okay, well,
one is a little bigger

than the other.

I'm a stickler for
detail, all right?

All right, fine, here.

Okay, so this is you, right?

And this your life,
and it's clear to me

that your journey line

has a pattern.

All right,
so every relationship

in your life has an endgame.

So a society marriage

with Wes,

a promotion from the Rainmaker,

uh, being Marty's go-to gal.

Okay, and there
you are right there

at the tippy-top, yeah?
Little miss control freak

with, okay, yeah,
amazing patty tits.

Thank you.

And the data presents
a very clear result.

That if you can't
control the outcome,

then Mama ain't in it to win it,

and yeah, guess what, Jeannie?

You're Mama.
So come on,

one date.

One tiny little date, Mama.

CLYDE:
Criswell's laying it on thick for new customers.

MARTY:
Hey, they're future voters, right?

Would you like
to have some pie?

Welcome.

Oh, man.

This pie is so delicious.

I'm trying not to eat it
too fast, take my time with it.

Be careful.

Mr. Oberholt,
do you know how many men--

well, boys really,

most of them with massive
emotional insecurities...

How about physical?

Oh, physical.

Really? Do you know how many
of them have made the mistake

of trying to analogize

U.S. National's cherry pies
to my vagina?

Brynn, I wasn't talking
about your pie.

No? Sure?
No.

I wouldn't do that;
I'm not a child, okay?

Okay.
Yes, I was.

Yeah, yeah, I know.
I was talking about her pie.

MARTY:
Hey, Brynn? Yeah?

What's the occasion?

Criswell is announcing
his program

to put vegetable gardens
in inner-city schools.

Aw.
Isn't he dreamy?

Yeah, he sure will be

when his base does
a Google search in three years

and finds this little
piece of gold.

Politics isn't theater;
it's performance art.

Yeah.

So your work,

how you guys doing?

We're doing good.

Uh, the financials
look strong.

Compliance team's analysis
is actually on point.

No fires in the
financial statements

or the operating reports.

So if you're asking
us how we're doing,

we're actually
doing pretty great.

Yeah, I think she was asking me
how we were doing.

I was, actually, asking...

Okay, only got
about ten minutes.

What are those?

Zucchini. I'm gonna hand them
out to the kids.

No, that's not a good idea.

Talking points, community,
healthy living,

and USNB's
significant investment

in the city's Farm
to Table initiative.

Okay, direct your attention
to the kids.

It's a simple grip and grin.

I know how to talk
to my customers, No.

Ms. Reed.

Hey, everyone,
I'm Mr. Criswell

from U.S. National Bank.

Whoop, there it is.

Huh?

Did he just...

Raise his zucchini in the air?

Like he just don't care.

Look at all you Michelle Obamas
working in the field.

MAN:
What'd he say?

The señor, the yellow. Me gusta.

MAN: What the hell?
WOMAN: No, he did not.

Somebody catch.

Look at that, boom.

It's in the genes, huh?

"It's in the genes."
Oh...

(low chatter)

Blind date?

(chuckles)

Am I that obvious?

It's on me.

Good luck.
Thank you.

Jeannie?

Hi. Cameron
the kung fu lover?

(chuckles)

Jeannie Van Der Hooven.

I just had a shot of tequila.

Oh, well,
then I need a shot, too.

You look, uh, you look great.

Thanks.

So do you.

You got to check out
the Gaslamp District.

But I feel like
that's too bar scene-y.

Mm-hmm, there's that,
there is,

but, uh, the architecture.

I love the architecture
and the galleries.

There's amazing art there.

Oh, God, when I was ten, I
wanted to be an artist so bad.

Yeah?
I started wearing a beret.

I got very emo.

Oh, wow.

You know what?
Hey, um, excuse me.

Could you, um,
could you grab us another round?

Certainly.
Slow your roll, kung fu Cam.

Hope I'm not gonna need
to know

kung fu tonight.

No, no, no, you're, uh...

You're-you're fine.

I'm just, uh, I'm
having a good time.

So tell me more

about Cameron the kung fu lover?

Mm-hmm, well, um,

as you keep reminding me,
I love kung fu.

Mm-hmm.
There's that.

Uh, I'm a...

a kindergarten teacher
at a Montessori school.

Oh.

Uh, I sing a pretty sweet cover

of all that is Bon Jovi
in the shower.

And, uh,

I'm a big brother to a kid named
Frederick Douglass, no lie.

(chuckles)

Thank you.

You know, you are not, um,

at all what I expected.

Oh, wow, what did you,
uh, expect?

I...
No, no, no.

Come on, you can tell me now.

Tell me, tell me.

Well, considering how we met...

Mm-hmm.

Um...

A socially awkward man-child
with absolutely no game.

Hmm.

So, uh, all right,
so you think I've got game then.

Yeah, but the question

is what's wrong with you?

What do you mean?

Like, in the real dating world?

Well, what's the real
dating world?

The one where
girls like me live.

Uh...

(chuckles)

You're joking, right?

No, my delivery was off,

but I... no, I'm being serious.

Well, I, uh,

actually, I don't do so badly
in the real dating world.

Huh. Then why troll the Internet
for desperate vag then?

(clears throat)

I mean, not mine.
I'm not... I'm...

here on a dare
from my friend.

(chuckles)

Lucky me. Wow.

Um...

I joined the site
because I'm busy, you know?

Kicking it with poor
little Frederick Doug?

(snickers)

Uh, wow. Um, you know,

how do you do in the real
dating world, hmm?

Cameron, I fare pretty well.

I was engaged.

Was, but then I kinda,

I cheated on my frat boy fiancé

for my creepy
Mr. Burns boss.

But that's for another night.

Yeah.
Oh, God, did that just sound

like I wanted to see you again?

No, no, that's,
that's not gonna happen.

No, I know that...

I'm just actually gonna...

pay my part of the bill
at the bar,

okay?

Good luck in the real world.

(knocks)

Hey.

Hey.

You wanted to see me?

You alone?

Oh, Clyde? Look, he's
a dickhead, but he's harmless.

He reminds me
of my last boyfriend;

a driven, oversexed

22-year-old White House staffer

who actually was
running the country

hopped up on frappuccinos,
porn and hope.

That's a weird diet.

Anyway, I just wanted
to hang out with you.

We speak the
same language. We do?

Yeah. Politics,
corporate bullshit.

It's all the same game

of impression
management.

Yeah, yeah.

Trying to give the best
performance of yourself

to endear yourself
to whoever has

the keys to the castle.

Like you. You got
those keys to the Criswell castle.

I do?

I think you do.

Yeah, I do.

Then we should talk.

Mm-hmm.

What's your, what's your play?

Oh, you want to know my moves?

Yeah. Depends.

Um... sincerity.

Mm, sincerity.

People get drunk on sincerity.

Yes, they do. You know what

drunk people do,
right? What?

They write big ol' checks

with lots and lots
of little bitty zeroes.

Sincerity is like,
it's like, a desert mirage.

You could be utterly sincere
and completely insincere.

No one can tell.

That's what I love about
the shit.

Me, too.
(chuckles)

To sincerity!
Yes!

The empty notion that
started religious reformation.

And gave us guilty
liberal hipsters

who wear trucker hats
and guzzle down

Pabst Blue Ribbon in gallons.

What's the quote?

"It's dangerous
to be sincere..."

BOTH:
"Unless you are also stupid."

(both chuckle)

Shaw.
Yeah.

Ain't it the truth?
Mm.

(chuckles)

(both moaning)

Know what else is true?

What?

That U.S. National Bank

and Criswell would
really benefit

from a long-term relationship
with Galweather.

(both chuckle)

I have to say it.

Always closing
the deal, Mr. Kaan.

As far as I'm concerned,
you and Galweather are in.

I'd shake your hand
right not, but...

It's busy.
It's a little busy.

To think that your boss tried
to talk me out of hiring you.

Uh, my boss what?

Yeah, Julianne.

I think it was Julianne.
(chuckles)

When I tried to hire you.
Yeah?

Hmm, really?
Yeah.

What did ol' Julianne
have to say?

She said that you were
a real Galweather gem,

bullshit, bullshit,
bullshit,

and she wanted me
to know that

there were other partners
with more expertise

in handling such high profile
banking institutions

should I choose
to rethink my choice.

Uh-huh.

I told her that U.S. National
wanted Marty Kaan.

Period.

Still do.

You pissed?

What the fuck
do you think?

Good. (moans)

Is that zucchini
in your pants?

Shut up.

(gasps)

Open up, Guggenheim!

Hey, Jeannie.

Hi.
Whoops.

(chuckles)
Can we talk about

whatever this is in the morning?

It's kind of late.
No.

Pretty please? (chuckles)
It's just...

Doug, do you have Fug in there?

Fug? No. Sarah?
No, of course not.

I'm just... It's really late.

I want to meet the ogress.

Shh! No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no! I want to meet her.

Doug, please. What?!

What?
Ogresses or ogri? What is it? Whatever.

Anyways, they have
very tiny ears.

Did you not see Shrek?

Mm-hmm.
I did, too,

on pay-per-view, after my really
shitty date tonight.

Hey, but you did it
That's great, kiddo. Good for you.

Hey, listen, Jeannie,
Sarah and I have, um,

we've kind of really hit it off.

Doug!
Yeah?

She sounds fat.
(gasps)

Wait! No, no, no, no.

That's your match?

My match sucked balls.

Oh, yeah? So did mine.

(TV playing indistinctly)

MALCOLM:
Hey, yo, what up?

Lakers are pulling it out
in the fourth.

How was San Diego?

Chicago. Last-minute change.

Chi-town!
I love Chicago.

We were there last month

picketing a chain
of bowling alleys.

Fine women
in that city.

Some pizza in the kitchen.

I cracked open
your Scotch.

It's the good shit, bro.

Damn, I want to be you
when I grow up.

Yeah? When do you think
that's gonna be?

(turns off TV)
Squirrel, what the fuck?!

(chuckles)

What do you want, man?

Why are you here?

Plasma, 30-year-old Scotch,

Amy's gluten free pizza,
Roscoe's empty bedroom.

Oh, let me ask you
something.

Are you sure that you're okay
with him living with Monica?

I mean, she fine,
but cuckoo crazy.

I'm not gonna talk to you
about my son, okay?

I just want to ask you
one more time

why you're here
and what you want?

Because you don't
ever come around

unless you want something.

Really?
That's the way you see it?

That's how it is.

So just tell me what you want
and then you can keep it moving.

To see my family, all right?

We never talked
about Dad's illness.

Oh, you goddamn right
about that, we never did.

Nigga, what's your problem
with me?

You're a fucking phony, Malcolm.

And you're a fucking sellout,
Martin,

but we're still brothers,
and Dad

still needs us
to be a family. Okay, hold it.

You don't, you don't give a shit
about Dad.

I'm not falling
for all that,

"I'm just like you, Pops"
bullshit

that you been running on him
for years,

getting all your bills paid.

You want to talk about Dad?
Are you serious?

You're a day late

and a whole lot of dollars
short, little brother.

Dad was in a pretty bad
car accident two weeks ago.

The doctors think
his bradykinesia is advancing quickly.

He's considering doing
some deep brain stimulation,

but he's scared.

So he asked me
to come home.

What?

All that caring for Dad...

he didn't even tell you.

(scoffs)

Use a coaster, motherfucker.

♪ Something in me feels
like causing so much mischief ♪

♪ Repercussions could kill,
it's my consequences ♪

♪ Don't come near me ♪

♪ One touch, your life,
man, I will end it ♪

♪ Then go back in time,
take care of your descendants ♪

♪ Why, why, why,
I like to see the pain ♪

♪ I love when other people cry,
cry, cry ♪

♪ You want to fight,
but you can't ♪

♪ So don't try, try, try, try ♪

♪ I hear death coming,
move if you wanna die. ♪

Meow.