House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 2, Episode 4 - - full transcript

When superstar Matt Damon calls on Galweather Stearn to find him a charity to enhance his image, Marty discovers he may have to go further than he's willing to keep the celebrity's business. As a favor to Marty, Jeannie spends time with Roscoe and his friend, Dylan, who competes with Roscoe for Jeannie's attention. Meanwhile, Tessa presses Monica for answers about where they stand with each other.

Previously, on House of Lies...

Hi! Hi.

You know, you got your
cute little vegan chef.

Come on, this isn't you,

Me? My name is
Julianne Hofschraeger,

and I am the interim CEO.

You think your house is
a better place for me to be,

but you keep not showing up
for me, Dad.

Not-not showing up?
What am I supposed to do?

Are we not sitting
here right now?

A lot of weird stuff
happened that night.

I blacked out, so...


Did we...?

I don't remember, either.

(elevator bell dings)

Fucking animals.
You don't want to run to him?

You don't want to
give a quick run?

MARTY: Okay, Roscoe,
it'll be great.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.
Marty, Marty.

Yeah. I'll see you
later, buddy.

All right, bye-bye.
Look, Marty.

He's coming and
we're nowhere.

Doug, will you
just take a breath?

Okay? Clear out
a conference room

and start chunking
out some shit.

We'll call it
a work session.

Listen to yourself.

Clean out-- We don't have
a clean conference room?

This is the worst
day of my life.

Douglas, shut the
fuck up, okay?

It's Matt Damon.

He's used to
living in a yurt

with uncircumcised

I'm sure a couple pieces
of paper are fine.

I just...
I want it to be perfect.

You know? I-I...

Why didn't he give us
some more notice?

I could've made some
sexy regression models,

could've gotten
permission from Admin to

get that deluxe bagel
and lox spread

we sometimes get;
he would've loved that.

Shit. This just occurred to me.

We could've gotten treats from

Sweet Lady Jane.

been special.

Now it's not, it's ruined.

The whole thing's ruined.

CLYDE: Probably just
wants to hire us

to pimp out his
new charity, right?

Chances are, he's meeting with
every consultancy in town.

So this is what
we're gonna do.

And tell me if
I am correct.

We're gonna let
him do the talking.

That's correct.
Then we're gonna flatter

the fuck out of him.
Also correct.

Because he
is an actor.

He just wants
to be loved.

That's the most correct.

(huffs) No.

All right? You know why?

Because he's not like that.

He's unique.

(music plays, game chimes)


Om Nom, you little bitch.

Wow, you really are a go-getter.

I am.

Aren't I?


You okay?

I'm good, I guess.

Well, you look good,
there's that.

Thank you, Marty.

Hey, you haven't, um...

had any more flashbacks, or...



The well is dry. Whew.


Yeah. No, it is, it's good.


I mean, me, too.

Not-not a one.


Well, look, uh...

we got about 20 minutes
before Damon shows up,

so let's get
it together. Who?

Matt Damon.

Ma... what are
you talking about?

You haven't heard
about this?


His business manager's
a friend of Julianne's.

He's... on his
way over here.

Wants to explore

looking into starting
a foundation,

probably he wants
a brain dump,

20-minute blue sky.

He's probably meeting
all over town.


You okay?

You need to stop by the salon?

No, I'm good.

Three, two, one.

Oh, shit.

Doug the Gugg
is at a loss.

Doug the Gugg is
at a loss. And that does not

you can't do a
statistical model You can't

in half an hour,
it's not possible.

One can't!

One cannot!
He's gonna explode.

There are too
many variables.

What kind of,
uh, charity

does he even want to start?

Did he ever say?
Nope, not to me.

Is it a-- what are you doing?--

a grant model?
An awareness model?

Or is it, like, uh,
designed for longevity,

or a single iteration

with a defined
endgame scenario?

Oh, what the...
Goddamn it! Hey, Doug, you forgot

to actually shit yourself.

Hey, buddy. Ooh, hey.

So, um...

I know that I don't
need to tell you

how much it would mean if you
could bring Mr. Mattie D...

(both laugh)

...onto the
Galweather team.


I don't know, seems like
kind of a brain drain.

I mean, look,
an actor and his cause?

I don't see a lot
of possibilities

for monetization
in that. Oh, yeah.

True enough.

But it would be major

Wall Street Journal porn.


Great publicity.

That's your
porn face?


Ah! Wow.

Shake that off.

...e-mail you all
the information about

the solar panels.
I mean, you'd be amazed.

I mean, unless
I'm just an idiot,

which is totally possible.
(laughs): No.

Oh, my God,
I'm sure you're not.

I can't tell you how
much I appreciate it.

It's not a
big deal. No, it's such

Thank you so, so much.

Zanna. Zanna.

We're gonna
start the...

Nice to meet you.

Clyde Oberholt.
Hi. Matt.

How are you?
Doug Guggenheim.

Hi, Doug.
Matt. I know who you are.

Very nice to meet you.
Jeannie Van Der Hooven, hi.

Hi, Jeannie. Matt.

MATT: Nice to meet you.
So this is it, huh?

This is the...
the Galweather Stearn

sanctum sanctorum, huh?

You have to go through
two more sanctums

to get to the sanctorum.


Uh, well, you guys know
why I'm here, right? Yeah.

I, uh, do a lot of
philanthropic work

and was looking at starting
something new and, uh,

given your, uh,
your reputation and your...

your ability to identify
symbiotic partnerships,

I just kind of
figured if we

kind of got together,
maybe we could just

turbo-charge this
whole thing, and...

we could really do
a lot of good.

I think that's really wonderful.

No, it's nothing, really.

It's like... look,
if I can't take this

little bit of, you know...

you know, whatever, stardust,

and-and, uh, and make
something real out of it,

then... I mean,
what the hell am I doing?

Yeah. Absolutely.
Yeah? MARTY: Yeah.

But anyway,
sorry to ambush you guys,

but I... but I did want to know

where you are, and
what you're thinking.

Uh, Doug, you
want to take it?

I don't need much notice,
uh, Mr. Damon.

Believe me, you're dealing
with one of the masters

of the, uh... well, art form

really, if you
think about it,

in statistical


DOUG: Yeah.
Nothing I can't...


So why don't you
do something? Right!

Okay. Yeah.
Nothing to it, it's easy.

For him to take us, so...

(clears throat)

It's at your desk.


Here we go.


Natural disasters.

War. All right?
Takes a very big toll,

both spiritually and
emotionally, on the children

in those
affected areas.

Now, the issues facing children
in developing nations

present a unique
and complicated

problem set.

As you're no doubt
aware from

current levels of funding,

while a remarkable

I like your watch, man.

You think you could hook me up with one of those?

Uh, yeah, sure.

I'm, like, a swag whore.

Fucking love free shit, man.

Love free shit, right?
Love it. Yeah.

DOUG: An estimated
20 million are displaced

by war, or human
rights violations...

Please tell me you hit that.


You know, I...

I actually
don't know.

Yeah. It's a long story.

That's a good story.

Yeah, it is
a good story.

You're the big dog around here, right?

Well, I guess so, yeah.

Okay. 'Cause this dude's
freaking me the fuck out.

He freaks
everybody out.

Okay. Look, you know
what I need, right?

I mean, I just
basically need a cause

that's about the size
of Clooney's cause,

only with bigger tits.

I mean...

that guy, he puts
on a Hawaiian shirt,

and they hand him
a fucking Oscar. Right?

I mean, 'cause everybody
thinks he's so deep, you know?

'Cause they see him on TV,
going like, "Grr. Darfur bad."


Fuck him.

I want to be on
that podium next year,

pissing down all over his face.

DOUG: estimated
$2 billion...

You feel me?


Do you feel me,
my strong, proud, black brother?

No, I-I do,
I feel you.

DOUG: ...and
fighting HIV/AIDS,


So it's really a, uh...

DOUG: It's a
complex paradigm.

It's like...

Well, poetry?
Poetry, yeah.

Yeah, thank you.
I agree, actually.

There is kind of a poetry

to the way the numbers
line up to the...

the survey stats.

Um... (clears throat)

Art thou, uh, intrigued?

Uh, yes, I am.

Yeah, keep going, Doug.

You're doing great.

Just... carry on.

With pleasure. Yeah.

Uh, well,
let's really dig in, then.

Shall we?

Yeah. (clears throat)

So, look.

But, I mean,
let's face it,

water is about as
unsexy as this guy.


I mean, how many times
can I go on TV

and say, "Every 20 seconds,

"a child dies 'cause
they lack access God, yeah.

to clean water
and sanitation"? Clean water

Right. But nobody
ever gives a fuck,

because they're mostly African.

I mean, no offense.

No, that's fine.
I just got to take it

to a different level,
like another place.

I see myself, like,
with a beard, you know?

And, uh, like-like,
maybe an M-16.

And I'm just fucking, like...
I gotta go native, man.

Like, sweat fucking
stains just fucking...


You're talk--

kind of like Special
Forces in Afghanistan.

That's what I'm talking about.
Exactly. Exactly. Oh. Yeah.

You know that's not a charity.

Per se.

What the fuck do you think
I'm doing here, man?

That's why I need some help.

I'm just giving you images.

It's a landscape
we're talking about.

It's a landscape,
right. Yeah.

We gotta go out, man.

You and me.
We gotta go out.

Fucking we would
tear this shit up.

I can tell

just from your
story with her.

This shit would be
fucking great.

No, we could rage
for sure. Yeah.

Yeah, we could
get weird. Okay.

Let's do it tonight.

I got nothing
else going on. Oh, no, tonight is...

It's gotta be tonight,
'cause I got another thing.

I see what the whole

Yeah, the coupling with the, uh,

the positive perceptual
attributes, and...


...the Damon brand-scape
is born.


Like the film franchise, the film franchise

The Bourne Identity.
Yeah, I know, I got it.

We all got the
reference. Good.

Thank you. Oh.

Thank you so much.

I'm really impressed
at how-how much you guys

have done in
so little time,

and I just need some time
to think about it, meditate,

and, uh...

and I'll get back to you. Okay?


Yeah, Matt. Uh, tonight, I...

See you soon.

And if you don't mind,
if I...

Lost him.

What was he
saying to you?

I don't know.

He seemed like
he was into it. He did?

Yeah, of course he did.

Yeah, we're gonna
go out tonight, chop it up.

DOUG: All right.
This is kind of like

a club scene, or more
like a fancy dinner?

You're not going.

Doug, of course you're not
going, you fucking idiot.

(laughs) And neither is
the other idiot invited.

I probably won't be able to make
it tonight either, I guess.

Are you free?
I am, yeah.

You want to come?

Tough shit.

I'll be on standby.


how you doing?

Hey, Jeannie.

Cute kicks. Janowskis?

Yeah, what else?

What grown-up girl knows
Janowskis are Janowskis?

Can you keep a secret?

Probably shouldn't
be telling you this.

I am so not a grown-up.

What's that?

What's up, buddy?

Hey, Dad.


Listen, about tonight, I...

Yeah, I was hoping
you could take maybe

me and Dylan
to the batting cages?

The batting cages?

You and Dylan-- who's Dylan?

He's my homeboy, kind of.

He's epically badass.

And he's really into the batting
cages, so I kind of promised

him you'd take us.

Uh, Jeannie?

She's pretty
cool, yeah?


You know, she's crazy
about baseball.

I don't know
if you knew that.

You know, I just had a thought.

What if Jeannie took you
and Dylan to the batting cages?

Shut up.
I'm just saying, what if?


You want me to try
to hook that up? Yeah.

Okay, cool.

I boned your mentor,
but, I mean,

you're demoting me
to babysitter?

I'm not demoting
you to shit. Fuck you, Marty.

Listen, Jeannie, I had
something planned

with him, okay, it's a part
of the Damon account.

Now I got to go and hang out
with Matt fucking Damon

to have a boys' night out

to seal the deal.
Oh, you got to hang out?

Matt Damon does not have
boys' nights out, Marty.

You have no idea
what kind of a...

No, thank you.

Busy, bye-bye.

500 bucks.

Oh, my God, 500...
fuck you yet again.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
princess, two grand.

I... will do it.

But it has nothing to do
with the money, Marty. Oh, that's so sweet.

It has to do with the fact that
we need to close the business.

I love that you have so much integrity.

You're a team player.

Yeah, I am.

Thank you, Jeannie.
You're welcome.


Don't push it.

(low moaning)

(loud moaning)




Hmm, what?

Did you like that?

Mm, are you
kidding me? Yes.

Screaming like a
freak, wasn't I?

And then I got
sleepy, so just shh

for just a little
while, okay?

I'm just gonna
take a nap.


What's going on?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

You get what I'm asking though,


Mm... mm-mm? No.

We're in something here,
but you're, like...

not a lesbian.


Don't be such a pussy.


I'm serious.


You're like a guy.


And you are not
like a butch girl.

What do you
want me to be?

You want me to be your
humorless lesbian wife?

I just want to take
a little nap.

Just a really
short nap.


A couple minutes or something.

Is Monica sleepy?

Monica's trying to
be sleepy but, um...

Monica's getting
less sleepy.

How about "hot hookup"

instead of "humorless wife"?

I think I could go for that.



ROSCOE: Dylan's our star pitcher
and he also plays shortstop.

Wait till you see, Jeannie.

He's, like,
amazing at baseball.

Come on, guys.

So what are your turn-ons
and turn-offs?

Excuse me?

Turn-ons: long walks on
the beach, crunk hip-hop beats,

The Great Gatsby.


back hair, mullets,

running out
of margarita mix. (laughs)

Did you memorize that?

Miss July.

In case I ever

run into her.
Yeah, uh...

I liked The Great Gatsby.

Are we gonna bat or what?

My lady.

Check it out, Dylan.

I made contact.



Forgive me.

But it's like spun gold.

You... are
really something.

You know, Jeannie,
it's your turn to bat.

Okay, well,
wish me luck.

I have not picked
up a bat in years.

You know the drill.

Just breathe.

Breathe, Jeannie.

How's this look,
Roscoe, good?

You look great.

Hey, focus, Jeannie.

Don't worry about him,
all right?

I can feel your heartbeat
in your beautiful chest.


And I can feel your
boner against my ass.

So, I'm gonna need
you to back off, okay?


♪ It's strange
and it's familiar ♪

♪ All my friends
who've come before ♪

♪ Say won't you let me in ♪

That one's for you, Janowski.

♪ And the siren in my heart

♪ Is calling hallelujah

♪ For the spirits
are not gone... ♪




That was awesome, man.

I fucked you up, man.

You got me good on that one.
Aw, man.

You didn't see that coming.
No, you bopped me.

Hey, where's the spinner?

Hey, girl, how you doing?

What, Jeannie?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, uh, I thought you
wanted me to come alone.

Oh, all right, well, did
you figure it out yet?

Uh, we're working on it.

Uh, I got a team...
What's up, Matt Damon?

Yeah, how you doing?
Good game last night.

Gonna be chunking out some
potential narrative scenarios,

and then doing
a side-by-side analytical model.

But I got you.
Wow, yeah, okay.

Or I could just fire your ass,
that shit could happen, too.

(chuckles) Yeah,
I guess it could. Hey, look,

I'm not starting a charity for
management consultants, dawg.


Look, it's Matt Damon.

That's him.

I love you, Matt!

How do you, uh...

Thank you. What?

Nothing, forget it.

People see the me
they want to see.


Oh, shit.

See that girl?

Oh, yeah.
You know who that is, right?

Victoria Secret model.

Yes, yes.
(laughs): Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, look.


Thanks, Jeannie.
It was a lot of fun.

You know, you're way
cooler than your dad.

Well, duh.

You had quite a few nice
base hits in there tonight.

Baseball's not
really my thing.


But... Dylan really
liked you, huh?

I guess.

Think he thought
I was cool, too?

Having been around a decent
number of guys, I can tell you

with confidence that your friend
Dylan is a douche bag.

And you, you're,
like, the best.

And he should be so lucky
as to have you

as a friend or whatever.


Thanks, Jeannie. I had
a really good time.

Thanks for the date, buddy.

Really? I got to do this
to keep your business?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.


You can do it, man.

All right.

Excuse me, ladies.

Sorry, excuse me.

Is that Matt Damon?


(speaking low,


He's trying
to get us to make out.

Get him the fuck
out of here.

Please, my man, let me explain.
Don't... Wait a minute!

Jesus Christ-- Matt Damon,
It was his idea!

Right here.
Matt Damon.

No, no, no, no, no,
I told him to do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's cool, he's cool.


Matt Damon!


(shouts and cheers)


All right.

What's next?

So I look out,

and like, all of Tokyo
has their cell phones out.

They just couldn't believe
it was really me.


Jesus Christ.

Oh, come on.

Are you still upset about
the thing with the bouncer?

You told a gigantic
man to punch me

in the face.
No, I told him to do it, but then he did.

Yeah, I know. I was
right there for it.

That's amazing.

Come on, it's not my fault

he was suggestible.
Not cool.

Oh, come on, Marty.
Fuck you.

Is little Marty jealous
of little Matty?

Come on, let's be honest.
You know what, I'm gonna tell you.

You are the most arrogant

hypocritical bullshit artist
I've ever encountered, okay?

And I deal in wholesale
quantities of bullshit

on a daily basis.

Your pile of-of-of-of
qu-quivering need

and insecurity
is only slightly outpaced

by your in-fucking-sanely
over-bloated ego.

It's unbelievable.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Spaced out for a second.

What did you say?
Bye, Matt.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
you guys are leaving? Yeah.

Hold-hold on, hold on.

You got that, right?



Oh, yeah, he texted me.

He had a great time.
Thank you again.

How did you do it?

How did I do what?
Well, he's not...

like you or me.

He's open and loving

and kind.

He's amazing.
He is.

I have no idea.

Look, any-any good parenting
that I did with him,

he showed me how to do it.

Marty, where's,
um, where's Matt...

uh, where's Matt Damon?


Did you offend him

in some way?

Marty, he seems like
a super sensitive guy.

You got to tread lightly.
Very sensitive.

He's almost, in my opinion,
too beautiful for this world.

Can I... Can I just
tell you guys something?

He cannot be offended, okay?

He only offends.

Please don't say that you...

I may have,

you know, told him off
a little bit.

How, Marty?

Is that what happened
to your lip?

Oh, Jesus, great.
You know we need to land this whale, right?

Do you remember what
the scary Nazi lady was saying?


Can I tell you something?

Matt Damon is small potatoes.
Fuck him.

This is about the announcement,

Marty, in the Journal

for Galweather.

It's gonna make
Galweather seem...


It's relevant, relevant.

Or something.

If the asshole shows up,

I will close him,
but he is a psycho.

He is not, okay?
No, he's not.

He's Jesus meets Gandhi.

Yeah, meets, uh,
meets the Jonas Brothers.

MARTY: He's fucking Satan.

I mean, she's been
on the list for two years,

but she keeps getting bumped,

and without a kidney,
I think... (crying)

No, it's not fair.

It's not fair, no.
It's not fair.

I just have to get her moved
up on the list, that's it.

I need to do that.

The chief surgical

I'm on three boards with
the guy; he's my buddy.

He owes me. I'll just
get... Don't cry. (whimpering)

Oh, my God.
Let's just... let's just get your...

get your mother a kidney.
Oh, don't.

She needs it.

Thank you.

Sorry, Marty.
It's fine.

Thank you, Matt Damon.
You're just a good spirit.

Thank you.

I love...

real people.



Sorry I'm late.

Oh, not a big deal at all.

Don't you dare apologize.
You just saved a life,

My God.

Just what I do.

Oh, shit.

Whoa, whoa.

Are... are you
high right now?

How many Vicodin
are in an overdose?

Okay, okay, uh,

I need the room.

What are you talking about?

I need you guys
to clear the room. Right now?

Marty, we're was supposed to...
Yeah, Jeannie, do it. Good-bye.

Bye, Jeannie.
Get out.

DOUG: But Matt Damon.

Later, we'll talk about it.

Move out, move off, move off.

Go, go away.

What the fuck are you doing?
The shutter

on this thing is like...
(imitates explosion)

Damon, you're standing
in a window.

Fuck, man, what?

What is...

What are you talking about?

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong?
Nothing's wrong with me.

What the fuck are you doing
down there?

Come down.

Come down.
I'm not even...

I don't have a bathing suit.

You're not in water.
Now step down.

Oh, man.

Fucking wrong with you, man?

A lot, but I didn't take...

How many Vicodin?

I do not know, sir.

Come over here,
let's sit down.


You come in here in this condition.

Here, drink some water.



Matt Damon.


Hey, asshole.

Call you back.

You with me? Okay,

are we gonna make this deal

or not?

Look at me. Focus.

I see you, okay?

I see the real you.

I know what you want.

I know exactly
what you want.

Are you gonna stop fucking
with me and make this deal

or am I gonna keep slapping
the shit out of you?

Which way is it gonna be?

I can't feel my legs.

Can't feel my legs,

but I'm feeling something else.

You want to close
the deal, man?

Huh? Come on.

Just... a little
something something.

Just a little.

Yeah, like... (groaning)

Oh, Marty.


Oh, Marty, come on, man.

You're fucking insane.
I'm not, no. just...

How about we do this?
Stop being all indignant, man.

What's your problem?
Get the fuck out.

Really just talking
a little blowy

between buds, man.

Matt Damon,

I'm throwing you out. Go.

You're throwing me
out of your building?

Yeah. Get the fuck out.

God. I'm sorry.

I don't know what...


I'm sorry.

I'm totally... I don't even...

Jesus, Marty.


I'm so sorry, man.

I-I'm so sorry, man.

We could totally close this

with just a hand job.

(helicopter blades whirring)

(woman screaming)

(automatic gunfire)

(people shouting, crying)

(gunfire continues)


(screaming, gunfire continues)

Get those children
to safety now!


Move those kids back there!


protect this child.

I have work to do.

Don't go back in there,
Matt Damon.

(man shouting,
gunfire continues)

He'll make a full recovery.

Obviously, we can't all be on the front lines

taking on this horrific problem

Yeah, that looks right.
Five cc's for all of them.

So what can you do?

right now, and become part
of a new kind of army,

one that fights for the kids.

Tell your friends,

tell your family,

because children
should be children.

Right, kids?

That's right, Matt Damon.

(laughter, excited chatter)

(applause, cheering)

MAN: Matt Damon!

MAN 2: Great job.

Thanks, Steven.

No, you, you.

Yeah, sure, sure.

Thank you.

Great work.

Thank you guys.

Thank you.

And thank you.