House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 1, Episode 8 - Veritas - full transcript

Marty and The Pod take part in the annual Galweather-Stearn recruiting event, where the best and brightest from Harvard Business School are wined and dined. Once there, Marty teaches James,...

Sir, I'll take those.

The recruiting event.

Every year,
Galweather Stearn flies out

the cream of
Harvard Business School's crop

to taste a bit of the good life.

The summer homes.

The $1,000 bottles of wine.

We whet their appetites with
the spoils of our victories,

and after we're done,
after we're sure they've been

good little boys and girls,
we send them on their way

hoping and praying
that their names

will be added to the list,
hoping that one day,

they will be standing
right here.

God, is that Skip?

Motherfucker knows how
to make an entrance, huh?

Marty, what are you
even doing here?

Yeah, I thought
you said you'd rather

get jerked off
by Edward Scissorhands

than come to this thing.

I did say that, didn't I?

Yeah, well, I'm here because
Airwolf says he needs me.

Okay, why does Skip
suddenly need you

- at a recruiting event?
- Well, with the merger

on the table, he just wants
to make sure Marty's

- going to be
a good little soldier.
- Hmm.

Okay, wait a second. Is the
merger definitely happening?

Yeah, really, do you think
we should be worried about it?

Guys, guys, listen.

I'm here because this event

is all about convincing
the prom queen or king

that we're the ones
they want to fuck.

And the best way
to do that is with

the high school
all-star quarterback,

not the AV club.
screeching tires)

You, by mistake, lumped
me into the AV club,

'cause you know
that's not me.

I played a little
high school ball.

- Kicker?
- Why does everybody
shit on the kicker?

'Cause, honestly,
we get tackled, too.

- Uh, no, you don't.
- Oh, really?

If there's a shitty snap,
that's me on the floor.

Here they come.

I think we found your prom date,
Mr. All-Star Quarterback.

I think we have.

For me, it came down
to three real schools, you know?

There's Yale, Wharton
and Harvard.

Now, I chose Harvard
because it's...

Only three schools?
Come on.

A bright young man like you?
I don't believe it.

I'm going to borrow her
for a second. Is that okay?


Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

See? That's why I hate
these stupid things.

Yeah, I'd rather get fingered
by Edward Scissorhands.

Hey, James, I think

I found the bar.

- Not James.
- Oh, shit. I'm sorry.

- I thought you were...
- Yep, wrong black guy.

No, it's not...
there's somebody...

- It's all good.
- Oh. Okay.



Like you to meet...

my brother.

- Oh, you two know each other?
- Uh, yeah.

From the meetings.
The... the meetings?

Black people meetings.

I didn't realize
that that was an actual joke.

That's funny.
James, I want you to meet...

No intro necessary.
This is Marty Kaan.

I'm a huge fan, sir.

I didn't know consultants
had fans.

- Jealous?
- Marty does.

I thought the innovation engine
you set up for ZCorp

using the Five Pillars approach

was, like, nothing short
of revolutionary.

Oh, thank you.

He's a rebel.

Okay, well, uh...

I'm going to press
some flesh.

All right.
Excuse me.

Probably thinks we're
going to start talking

- in Ebonics now.
- Oh, fo' shizzle.

Yeah, boy.

No, ma'am.

Hello, fellow HBS-ers.

HBS... that's Harvard
Business School.

'Cause fuck if they're
going to waste

their valuable time
saying that whole thing.

Welcome to my home.

The reason you've all
been asked here is simple.

You're the best at what you do.

You stand out in a crowd.

You... are... elite.

Jesus. You'd think
he was the one

that brought MetroCapital
back from the brink.

Where did you
hear about that?

Told you I'm a fan.

What am I talking about?

I'm talking about one of the
core values of this company.

The motto of our alma mater.

Veritas. Veritas. Veritas.



That... that...

that is our North Star.

Thank you.

I just find the
whole prospect

of life after grad
school to be so...

- daunting.
- Daunting.

- Exactly.
- Yes!

- Wow.
- Can I borrow him
for one second?

- Sure.
- Thank you so much.

Hey, man,
this is really important.

- Sure.
- You're welcome.

- Uh, for what?
- I hooked us
up with two

of the wait staff girls
for tomorrow night.

- Oh... no.
- Full disclosure:
your girl's fucking heinous.

- What? Clyde!
- She's heinous,
but seeing as

you haven't gotten ass
in so long, I figure

heinous vagina is better
than no vagina at all.

- Am I right?
- Yeah, you are right!
- You know what I mean?

- Don't high-five that.
- Where's that hand been?

- Can I please talk
to you for a second?
- Yeah.

- Excuse us.
- Cool.
- We're going to go for a walk.

- Okay.
- Cool.

Okay, so...

Well, could you
please not talk

to me like that in
front of these people?

No, I think I'm going to keep
doing it for a while.

Clyde, I am probably
going to end up

mentoring one of these kids.

I'd really prefer not to be
associated with heinous vagina.

I am sorry.

- Thank you so much.
- I... Shit.

Do you want me
to cancel the date?

I can do it
in two seconds.

Did I say cancel?

No, I just... not in front
of these potential recruits.

I get it. You don't
have to say any more.

You want these people
to respect you.

Well, yeah,
that'd be nice.

Yeah, maybe impress
one of the partners...

- Yes, that's my plan, and
you should be thinking...
- Yeah.

- about that, too.
- I am, but I have not
found one person in

this entire party that has
a shot at getting on that list.

Okay, well, you're wrong...
they all have a shot.

And you're basing this on what?

Clyde, do you have any idea
how hard it is

- to get into Harvard?
- Now, that's the school
that you went to?

- That's right.
- Ooh, fuck, I think
I have some idea, right?

Look, I admit it that some
probably need a little coaching

on their networking
skills, but that's

nothing Doug Guggenheim
couldn't fix.

Doug, are you throwing down?

You know what? I am.

Are you saying
that you can coach

anybody here
onto that list?

Any single body, yes.

- Let's go for a walk.
- Okay.

Come here for one second.

I want to introduce
you to someone.

Is it Will?
Right? Will?

- Will. Will Davis.
- We met before. Clyde.

This is my friend, Doug.

- Hello.
- Do me a favor.

Just show him
real quick

why you think we
should hire you.

Because, Doug,
I can make this company...


So you obviously understand
all the wizardry.

What else
you want to know?

Everything else.

I want to know
everything you know, Marty.

Oh, is that all?

I want you to, you know,
fill in the gaps...

the stuff they don't
teach us in B-school.

Um... okay.

You meet
a prospective client...

what do you do?

Um, you establish a personal,

respectful connection
based on a common interest.

Well, you know,
that's a perfect answer, James,

and it is exactly
what you would do

if you're in the 99%
of consultants who are white.

Okay. Okay, so
what do I do?

You gauge his reaction
to the fact that you're black,

and then you use that
to leverage.

We had a guy once
in Vermont... CEO.

Never met a black guy
in his life, okay?

He was so scared
of being racist,

he just did
whatever I told him.

"Uh, sir, you really
need to stop

making camping gear
and move into titanium dildos."

"Oh, of course, Marty.

That sounds like
a great idea."

You know? Just fuck
that PC pussy, right?

Endless afterwork.


Okay, so what about
if it's the... the opposite?

If you got David Duke?

Well, then,
you just smile

and let the other
guy do the talking.

We are here to open
wallets, not minds.

Yeah, well, hope
you're paying attention.

You can learn a lot
from this gentleman.


Not too many guys

who can cost you
a $10 million account

and still be worth
keeping around,

- but that's Marty.
- You're making me blush, Skip.

You mind if I steal young
James here for a second?

Some important people
I'd like him to meet.

- Sure.
- Yeah?

Gentlemen, I'd like you
to meet a new recruit of ours.

- This is James.
- James...

So, finally,
it just got to the point

I said to the professor

"If I show them to you,

you think you could stop
staring at them in class?"

That was such a good story,
about your boobs.

Um, I have
a real question though.


Imagine you...

tied a rope around
the circumference of the earth.

And then you add

three feet to that rope.

How far off the surface
of the earth is it?

You want me to do
a case right now?

I just want to see
how you think.

Take your time.

I'll be back.

Having fun?

Not as much fun
as you're having.

Oh, poor Marty.

Must be so hard to have
your ass kissed all night.

What is this event about?

Fucking the prom queen.

Well, for you, it's about
getting some face time

at the grown-up table.

Now, do you want that?



Want to make partner someday?


Then you need to start
kissing the ring.

Or whatever else you want
to put your mouth on.

That's lovely.


Powerful businessmen huddled
together smoking cigars.

It's good to see
we're fighting the stereotype.

Don't make me sorry
I invited you, Jeannie.

I mean, you guys should
stick with it, really.

It should go better for you.

Are all the recruits invited
up to the sanctum sanctorum

or just James?

I mean, that's my favorite
thing about Galweather.

You know, you guys will come up
with something revolutionary,

like, uh, like Marty
Kaan's brilliant

ZCorp innovation engine,
and then a year later,

you're not beholden
to it, you know,

when it proves itself
to be obsolete.

I mean, most companies will
stick with something like that

even if it is
past its prime,

because it's
unique to them.

But no, you smart

you realize when it's time
to move on into the future.

Kid's good.

Let me ask you

What about your future?

I mean, let's just
cut to the chase.

See a future
here with us?

Skip, I could
definitely see that.



Just telling James here
how he reminds me

of a young Marty Kaan.

You know, I remember
when you told Nick Cannon

the same exact thing.

Who the fuck is
Nick Cannon?

Who the fuck is
Nick Cannon?

- I have no idea.
- You remember Jeannie
Van Der Hooven, right?

Of course I do.

- Hi.
- She has been

killing it for
us this year.

Here, come, join me.

James, could I borrow you
for a second?

Oh, yeah.

You don't mind, right, Skip?


I'll leave you two
to get acquainted.

Marty says such great
things about you.

He does?

Okay, come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Okay, come here.

Come here.

All right, um, okay.

See that guy over there
in the blue checked shirt?

- Mm-hmm.
- All right, that's
Stuart Anderson.

He's a partner.

Went to Yale.

I want you to tell
him that you wish

you'd gone there
instead of Harvard.

I know that's ridiculous,
but he will lap it up.

Okay, but...

And-And remember, Will,
under no circumstances...

No magic, I got it.

Oh. What about, like,
a tiny bit of magic?

No... Oh, here he comes.
Come on, come on, come on.

Ah, Stuart!

Stuart Anderson,
I'd really like you to meet

Will Davis.

- Hello, Will.
- Hi. So Doug tells me

you went to Yale.

Kind of wish
I'd gone there myself.


Really? Why is that?


I hear it's a beautiful campus.


And that their business school

is really improving.

- Nice meeting you.
- Likewise.

Doug, pleasure as always.

Stuart, I...

"Doug, pleasure as always."

That didn't seem
to go well.

Just me?

Felt really good to me, Will.

It's fine. It was fine.

I will do better
on the next one.

You know what, um,
on the next one,

let's-let's try one
where you say nothing.

- Okay.
- Okay? And I'll
do the talking

and you just follow my lead.

- If I was you...
- No, no, no.

Don't-Don't say anything.
Let's just go.

Do you know any card tricks?

- I know lots and lots
of card tricks.
- No, no.

- No, no magic.
- Now is the time.

Bartender, two Johnny
Walker Blues, please.

Two? No, thank you.
I'm good, thank you.

You're good? What,
you religious or something?

No, but I...

You heard Skip up there.

Offer's on the table.
Come on.

Celebrate, baby.

It's even good
when you chug it.

Do that again.

Uh, make mine a
beer, thank you.

No, you don't want
to put beer on top of that.

So sorry to interrupt.

Um, can I see you
for a minute?


Be right back.

So how is the
wine business?

Oh, it's not
a business, Marty.

It's a passion.

Passion that pulls in
seven figures a year.

That's pretty

That's the lawyer who handled
my custody hearing.

He's the best in the country.

Give him a call.

How did you...

You really think
that the two top consultants

in the business
can gear up for a custody war,

keep it a secret?

Well, it's not
gonna come to that.


And if it does,
I'll destroy her.


But give him a call, please.


Yeah, okay.

Appreciate it.

I wish, I wish that was all
I needed to talk to you about.




I fucked up.

Bad time to fuck up, Marty.

'Cause this merger's
going through.

It's official.

Since when?

I just found out.

I think Skip has been
keeping it quiet,

'cause he's afraid
that when you found out,

you'd make some waves.

And he's got the votes.

He told you that?

He didn't tell me shit.

Because he knows
I've got your back.

But, Marty, this merger,
this is happening.

That asshole's up there right
now grooming my replacement

with all the subtlety
of a fucking jackhammer.

Marty, you don't want
this merger to happen, do you?

Hell, no.

So what are we gonna
do about it?

Oh, my.


Oh, yeah, this'll work.

This will work!

Yes, sir.

Just wanted you to get
a good look at this

before you consider
other offers.

You've had those, right?

Other offers?


So what are you thinking?

I'm thinking, um,

that there's a hell of a lot
I can learn from you.

Sounds like you made
a decision then.

I guess so.

So, what is this, my
signing bonus? What?

You know what?

With the kind of moves that
Skip's gonna make, about a year,

everybody in the company's
gonna have one of these.

Hey, Marty, tell me the truth.

You really respect the guy?


He's a racist piece of shit.

You know?

But, big picture,
Skip Galweather

really is a fucking genius.

Oh, that's funny?

Marty, you know I've
met the guy, right?

All right, motherfucker.

You read The Wall
Street Journal in a
couple weeks, you'll see.

Oh, yeah?

What'll I see, Marty?

It's not obvious?

Holy shit.

The fucking MetroCapital
merger's gonna happen, isn't it?

You know, you're too damn smart
for your own good, James.

Welcome to the family.

Skip Galweather.

The man that's about to
make us all very, very rich.

Now, see, that's that inner
pucker I'm talking about.

You keep that shit up; Skip
loves it more than I do.

The inner pucker?

- Let it bubble.
- Let it bubble?

- And then let it out.
- And then let it out.

Okay. Yeah, no.

- I'm gonna keep
looking at you...
- A lot more.

- and thinking what...
- Hey, Beth.


Sorry we got
interrupted earlier.

Um, you can go ahead and
answer that hypothetical now.

This is so embarrassing.

Jeannie, we're kind of
in the middle of something.

Give it a rest, Clyde.
She's not gonna sleep with you.

She may.

I'm sorry, have I done
something to insult you?

No. No.

I'm just interested.

Because... being charming
and flirtatious

and having those "fuck me" eyes,

it's an asset

in this business.

And would I just like to see
if it's your only asset.

I'm gonna back up a bit
and let the women talk.

- I'll give it to you again.
- I remember the case.

The rope... it's about six inches
off the surface of the earth.

Here's how I got there.

The diameter of the Earth equals
the circumference divided by Pi.

So add three feet
to the circumference,

and the diameter increases
by three divided by Pi,

which is approximately
one foot.

Since the diameter is
two times the radius,

you divide that by two,

ending up with about six inches
all around.

I'm impressed.

That's 'cause
my girl's got skills.

See? It is possible

to be attractive,
charming and smart.

But as far
as the "fuck me" eyes go...

...I guess they're just genetic.

Oh, shit. Jeannie,
that's gotta hurt.

Fuck off, Clyde.

All right, all right.
I gotta get something.

I'll be right back.

Hey, Beth!

Hey, Beth. Hey,
hold on, hold on.

Thanks for helping me
with that answer.

Of course.
Are you kidding me?

Look at her. She's
like the Terminator.

She won't stop
till one of you is dead.

You're funny.

I'm hilarious.
You got to spend
time with me.

What about tonight?
I'll take you out

to all the L.A. hotspots.
What do you think?

Oh, my God.

You are seriously
the cutest.

I know.

Thanks again.

What... the fuck just happened?

Ah, just the man I wanted
to see, Grant Stevens.

Um, Grant, this is Will Davis.

I thought you might want
to meet Will

because he actually lived in
the Hollis dorms.


- That's right.
- So did I.

What'd you think of Hollis?

He loved it. Absolutely
loved it. Couldn't get enough.

Look, Doug, maybe you should let
him speak for himself.


Hollis was great.

You join any of the clubs or...?

That's a good question.


I'm gonna,
I'm gonna go.

Well, you know,
I was approached to join

- the Hasty Pudding
- What an honor.

...but I decided to focus
on my studies.

- Oh, too bad.
- Good for you.

Those guys are
the worst.

- In what way?
- I know, right?

They're just so fucking
theatrical, right?

Jazz hands.
* Be-be-be-be

Well, it is a theater group.
I don't know what you expect.

You know, they all think
they're the shit

'cause, like,
Jay Leno came

and spoke to
them one time.

- Oh, brother.
- Two times.

Get over yourself.

You know, Doug here was
a member

of the Hasty Pudding

- Yes, correct.
- Oh, shit, really?
- Yeah.

That makes total sense.

Which part makes sense?

You're just, like, such
an obvious Pudding guy.

Hey, wait a minute.

Do they still do that thing

where the female roles are
played by guys in drag?

- Yeah, it's so creepy.
- Isn't it? Ugh!

- Just uncomfortable.
It's uncomfortable to look at.
- I know. I couldn't stand that!

- I always hated that.
- Admit it, Doug.

There are pictures of you

wearing a dress,
aren't there?

- No. No!
- There's a few,
aren't there?

Come on. No.
I only played the male parts.

- Oh, sure, you did.
- I did!

No, Grant, I only
played the male parts.

Shut up, Doug.

- What the fuck is happening?
- Shut up.

You know they
wear man thongs?

- What?
- No...

- What?!
- To hold everything in and up.

- Come on.
- While they're dancing.

- Wrong again.
- Who does that?

It's called a "dance belt."

Just FYI.

You know what?
I have a buddy with access

to the Pudding photo archives.

- Oh!
- I bet we could

dig something...
What's your last name, Doug?

You'd be wasting your time.



- Guggenheim him.
- Guggenheim me?

he's Guggenheiming.

- My name is a verb now?
- Guggenheiming it.

How'd it go up there?

Pretty good.
We had an orgy,

and now I'm your boss.


What are you doing?

I'm just waiting for the
fireworks to start.

In T minus five,

four, three,

Light the candle.

Who told you that?


I can't trust you.

You hear a rumor,
and then

you just walk around and
just spit it right in my...

You know what?
Take a walk.

Take a walk!

Take a walk!

What was that about?

I don't know.

I don't, I don't know
what just happened. I...

- What?
- He told me to go
fuck myself.

I mean, I congratulated him on
the merger going through...

Whoa, whoa.
Where did you hear

that the merger
is going through?

Yeah. That's, that's
news to us, James.

Who told you that?

You... I... You set me up?


You fu... you fucking
crab-barrelled me?


you asked for my advice, right?

I mean, you... you fucking
begged for it.

Well, I just taught you the most
important thing that I know.

You never, ever trust anyone...

until you know their angle.

And now you know.

Now I know.

Thank you for the lesson, Marty.

I'll be sure to take it over
to Kinsley

where I'll be working
with your ex-wife.

Ah, that's it.
That's the spirit.

You have serious issues.

I know!

So, so wait.
At the end

of the Hasty Pudding
show, they do what?

I can't believe we're
still talking about this.

- Just give me
a minute, Doug.
- They call it the "kick line."

This year, 12 sexy
bumblebees lined up,

high kicking,
high kicking.

Which is not easy, so, uh...

That's great. Hey.

- Have you met Will?
- Sure.

Yeah, and what do you think?

Oh, he's fantastic.

- Oh, yeah, we're
having a great time.
- This guy?

He's fantastic.
Real connection here, Clyde.

- Oh, what are you talking about?
- Oh, you know what?

I don't think we have time.

I think they're pulling
the cars up.

- They're pulling up...
- We have time. We have time.

Wait a second. This might be
my buddy at school.

And... jackpot.

You know what?
Before you say anything...

- Grant, come on.
- What is it? Let me see.

The Harvard Crimson described

my performance as
"disturbingly accurate."

Stop, stop. This is it.

- This is the best moment
of my life.
- I like you, Will.

I really like the way
you opened the kimono

on Doug's journey line.

I want you to meet Skip.

- Okay. Who's Skip?
- Come with me.

- Can I get
that phone back?
- No, I'm gonna keep it.

Okay, thanks.

Before you say anything,
I won the bet.

- Yeah.
- So I won that bet.

Sure, right.
Now how does that feel?

- Ah, it's a mixed bag.
- We're out.

- Hold up.
- No!

Can you look at this?

Just one second.
Just check it out.

Look at it for real.


You can't drink
that away.

Hey, what time are we
heading out tomorrow?

- We're not, Doug.
- What?

- Heinous vagina bailed.
- Why?

Turns out she's
not into cross-dressers.

Are you serious?!
Why did you show her
that picture?!

I didn't show her

- That shit went viral
so fast.
- No, no, no...

- You can't stop
a picture that perfect.
- Come on.

You can't stop it!

- Oh, my God!
- Great. It's not funny.

Have you seen this yet?

Would you stop showing people?

It's pretty cold what
you did to that kid.

Yeah, maybe I should have just
given him a case to solve.

- Oh, don't even
compare those two.
- No?

I'm concerned with the quality
of people that we hire.

You are concerned
with getting outshined.

Yeah, well, that must
explain why

I'm such a big
supporter of yours.

That's shitty, Marty,
even for you.

Jeannie, don't
fucking get all...
Hold on a second.

Hey, there he is!

The man with the plan.

Sorry, Marty, I got a client
meeting in Palm Springs in 30.

Hey, what about that shit
that kid was running?

- That was crazy, right?
- Nothing's official.

No, but when
it is official,

I'm sure you're gonna
let me know, right?

You'll write it down
on a piece of paper?

Like, maybe
a pink slip?

What do you want
me to say?

The truth, Skip.

- The truth?
- Yeah.

The merger's happening.

Okay? How's that?

And any chance that you had
of saving your ass

with K. Warren and

went down the drain
with Pfizer!

That sober you up?

I'm sorry, Marty.

You're sorry?

Yeah, kinda.

Don't worry, Marty,
you'll land on your feet.

Fo' shizzle.

Last part didn't sound sorry!

It's Marty.

For you.

Oh. Give me.

Hey, Marty.

Hey. Did I wake you up?

No. No problem. What's up?

- Listen.
- Uh-huh?

I wanna gut this motherfucker.

And I wanna look him right in
his fucking eye

when I'm doing it, too.

Uh-huh. Hey, calm down,
calm down.

You know what?
Actually, you know what?

This, this isn't
such a great time.

I'm gonna call you tomorrow.

All right, okay.

What did he want?


Is there anything
going on

with this merger
I should know about?

You're gonna know when I know.