House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 1, Episode 9 - Ouroboros - full transcript

My name is Marty Kaan, and I'm a management
consultant.

Every week me and my team go somewhere
and talk people

into thinking they really, really need us.

Do whatever it takes, but get the business.

It's just uncanny to me how much you remind
me of my wife...

who left me after Marty's wife made her squirt.

Greg, she wasn't my wife. -Oh, God, that's right.

She was a cheap, bi-curious stripper

who just gutted my life.

Doctor says I have Parkinson's.

Don't tell Marty. I need to tell him myself.



Be expecting a call from my lawyers. I want
custody of Roscoe.

It's not going to come to that. -It could.

If it does, I'll destroy her.

Come on, I'm gonna figure it out one of these
days, your dirty little secret.

You are?

You fucking crab-barreled me?

James, you never, ever trust anyone

until you know their angle.

You have serious issues. -I know!

Still not sure what it is I do'?

Come on, enough about me. I'm tired of talking
about me.

Let's talk about you.

Hey, Clyde Oberholt.

And you must be this pod I've heard so much
about.



Jeannie van der Hooven.

Doug Guggenheim.

You recognize the name?

Well, that's actually a funny story.

When I got into Harvard...

My name is Marty Kaan.

This is even stupid to bring up,

but my last 360, zero development needs.

I aced my exams.

Okay, I got one wrong.

Though we don't know the exact family tree

of the Guggenheim name... uh...

Yeah, I can... I can shut the fuck up.

I feel like I'm back in B school going out on job
interviews.

Fuck. Excuse my French.

We could hang out. What are your likes and
dislikes?

I'll go first. Board games.

Are you kidding me with this shit?

I mean, look at yourselves.

You can do better than this. This is ridiculous.

Hey, Dad, what's an ouroboros?

Uh, I think it's a monkey.

Close. It's a snake.

A snake eating its own tail.

A snake eating its own tail, that's right. -Mm-
hmm.

It's one of the symbols

of cyclicality, like everything going in a circle.

It's also one of the assimilations

of opposites,

like, uh, dealing with a shadow.

You remember I told you about the shadow. -
Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, right, right, right.

Like dealing with those parts of ourselves

that, uh, we really need to look at, but, uh,

don't want to.

Yeah, so for the purposes of your report,

it's a snake eating its own tail.

Hmm, okay.

In the financial services sector,

there are legends and then there are giants

who dwarf these mere legends.

K. Warren McDale...

He looks like the ghost of Christmas past.

...Kenny to his friends.

K. Warren McDale is such a giant...

Oh, my God.

How can he talk with all that cock in his mouth'?

Skip, that's too big for your mouth. Stop.

Would you please? Shh!

Towering...

I was... -over the rest of us.

His mere presence sends a signal to these

so-called legends to step aside. -Skip?

To move on, to... -Jesus Christ.

Anyway, a man who needs

absolutely no introduction. K. Warren...

I'm bringing in another consultancy to do a top-
down on Galweather.

Every partner, every PM, every analyst

will be interviewed. There's going to be no
exceptions.

We'll be looking at your leverage ratio,

staffing pyramid,

average revenue per partner,

client side impact... -Motherfucker.

Every spot on your goddamn nutsack.

So good luck.

Hi, Kenny.

I cannot wait to show you our takeaways.

Well, I always love your takeaways, darlin'.

Ooh.

Hey, Marty-

James.

Motherfucking motherfucker.

Okay, let me introduce you to our outside team
from Kinsley-Johnson.

They are the best this business has to offer.

And I mean the best.

It's funny how that works...

Greg. -Yeah, what?

This is a nine-figure deal. -Mm-hmm.

I hope you're not nursing a hard-on for Kaan
here.

L---

Can you nurse a hard-on?

If anybody can do it, you can.

You're the hard-on that needs a nurse. -Ew.
What?

Because love him or hate him, whether he
survives or gets

thrown to the wolves, Marty Kaan is at least his
own man.

Thank you, K.

And you and his team had better learn to work
together.

If you don't start interfacing in some real and
meaningful way,

I'm going to shitcan the lot of you.

Is that perfectly understood?

I think that... -Okay. Oh, good.

Great speech, Skip.

Very inspiring.

Hi, Daddy. -Please.

Please don't do this here.

Okay?

Well, where am I supposed to do it'?

You always have that little whore at your place.

You aren't really getting off on this right now, are
you?

I mean, that's too twisted even for you.

What are you...? This little engagement? -Yeah.

Oh, please, you have nothing to worry about.

Oh, not good.

I'm just the PM. I have six other engagements
going on this week.

How long you think you guys are going to stay
bulletproof

with business practices like that?

Well, as long as our competition is still shitting
the bed.

Oh...? -Oh, which reminds me.

I want you in my ass.

See you later, sweetie. -Yep.

Bye, sycophants.

Bye.

Would it be weird if I hit that?

You allergic to penicillin?

No. -Hit it.

Are you seriously okay with that?

Because I would hit her... it that.

Okay, we have to be able to say it to hit it.

Want to go practice in your office? -Yeah, sure.

It's all happening.

We have to stop this train, Marco.

I understand your concerns, Marty.

But it sounded more like

K. Warren wanted to blow you than fire you. -
Ow!

Fuck you, Kanani! -What, too hard?

What is it about the words "green card" you don't
understand?

I'm from Hawaii.

K. Warren doesn't think in human terms

He thinks in piles of cash.

I thought you made him piles of cash in the
mortgage collapse.

That's not going to translate.

When Greg and Skip get through shitting all over
me that...

No, we got to do something big here, man.

Something fucking seismic.

Burn this place down.

Poison the well.

Oh, that's it! That is it! That's it!

Oh, finally.

Oh! -All right, I'm out of here.

You bitch.

All right, same time next week. Wednesday,
okay?

Thanks, baby. -Bye, baby.

Marco, let's seize our destiny.

Skip wants me out of the business.

Let's push his ass out.

Or at least take this merger away from
MetroCap.

Or both.

Both'?

Mm-hmm.

You got a both'?

You ever heard of a guy named Enrique
Cazuelas?

South American oil money flowing out of his ass.

You bet I heard of him. -Yeah, sick money.

Unfair money.

And he owes me.

I put together

his entire international package.

This might be a nice little hobby for him.

Enrique could be

our white knight.

And if you were to say to Enrique, uh...

"Let's blow Skip out of the water"?

Vaporized.

Oh, hey, Marty, Marty.

W.

Marty, Marty, Marty. -Greg, Greg, Greg.

Marty, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Big-- big owie for Greggie.

Poor me. Moving on.

Anyway, we should have a meeting.

You, me, your pod, a strategy sesh.

Yeah. Right?

That's complete bullshit. -What?

Are you fucking kidding me'?A strategy sesh...'?

Greg, you hate me.

You hate my team.

You orchestrated this whole "merger/hostile
takeover"

'cause you want to make me your slave.

I... slave, I... -lt's just a word, but it's true, right'?

You don't even want to fire me.

You just want to fucking humiliate me

until my contract's up, so that you can see me
broken

professionally. Personally, if possible.

But here's the fucked-up thing, Greg.

You also like me, don't you?

And since you got here to L.A., you got your
head all fucked up.

You don't even know if you give a shit about the
things you used to care about anymore.

Your job, your career, your New York life,

your empty-headed ex-wife.

This is only going to end one of two ways
between us, Greg.

Either we're going to move past this shit,

or you and I are going to fucking kill each other.

So fuck the strategy sesh.

Fuck it right in its lame ass.

Here's what you and I need to do-- we need to
go out.

Let's go out and rage, man.

Let's spend a shitload of Metro's money.

Let's drink. Let's get so fucking high

we black out and can't even remember our
names.

And then let's do unspeakable things to people
we are never going to see again.

And then we're gonna know.

Then we're gonna know if we even care
anymore. Let's do that.

Yes.

Let's... let's do it! Let's do it!

Yeah. Hey, uh, bring Jeannie.

Oh, she's coming. -Yeah.

Strategy sesh? Bullshit!

See you later!

Hey, baby-

Coming up here?

To my work?

No! Uh, actually, I was just going down in the,
um,

the elevator 'cause I was gonna go get a coffee,

so I will, I'll meet you downstairs, okay?

Oh, Hey! Hey, hey! -Oh, fuck! Hi.

You're out of breath. -Yeah.

I was just gonna pop up and surprise you.

Oh, I... it's so crazy up there today.

Hey, where's your ring'?

Uh, I'm getting it resized

'cause it, like, fell off

the other day when I was doing the... the, um...

Are you all right'? You're...

Yes, um, yes.

There's... these other, um...

consultants in today assessing
our performance, and it's...

Consultants consulting the consultants?

Yeah. It's fucked, right'?

That's like, the, uh... what is it, the snake thing

that eats its own...

Yeah. Hey, Marty.

And I wasn't... -Mar...? Marty? Marty Kaan?

Marty Kaan!

The man, the legend?

Hold on a second. Do I know you?

Jeans talks about you all the time.

Some of it's actually even pretty good.

Who's this?

Marty, this is Wes, my fiance.

I'll call you back.

Oh, my God. Wes. Maybe she'll shut up

talking about you now that I've finally met you.

Tells so many stories about... I feel like

I should fucking marry you,

she tell so many Wes stories.

It's, like, "Wes, Wes, Wes, Wes, Wes."

It's like a Wes-tern up there. Right?

He is funny.

You don't need a PR firm, not with this one

Miss Chatty Kathy. Okay, good to meet you.

Finally, it's good to, uh...

That's the word: finally.

Okay, okay.

Take care.

Yep.

Marty Kaan.

Oh, my God! Hurry, hurry!

No! Here!

Here, in the bag.

You are not slick. What?

What? -What'?

Ah, echo in here, huh'?

Mostly, what are you doing up'?

None of your business.

Oh, really?

Remember how good you used to sleep

after I'd spank your behind?

Oh, no, no, no.

I got his back on that one, Marty.

Straight up.

Ah, so, it's a conspiracy, huh'? A little two-
against-one thing.

Mm-hmm. -I see.

Go to bed. Night, Dad.

Night, April!

What'?!

Whoa. Whoa, what was all that?

That was fresh. Let me get some of that.

Things have changed around here, Mister. -
Night, Dad.

Guess I'll just put that back in there.

Oh, God.

I fucking hate you, Marty.

Awesome.

Welcome to the club.

You care to elaborate?

I really like that kid.

Yeah, me, too.

What's up with you?

Nothing. I don't know. I just...

I should just shut up and live in the moment,
right'?

Hey-hey-hey-hey. Just give me a kiss.

Is this just an extended booty call'?

No.

April, look at me.

No.

Come here.

But, uh, you know

I won't bore you with the details of that.

Unless you want me to, I can.

I can go into it for you.

Fuck. I said it again.

I don't even think about bonuses until it's...

Give me one...

Oh, this is embar... I can't believe this is
happening.

In front of everybody. Warren Buffet. Super
needy

Give me one sec. W Buffed.

Columbia. -Are you joking?

Went to Harvard. -Nope.

That's funny. I know people who have gone to
Harvard.

I went to Wharton, actually.

You know, I got into, uh,

Lecoq in France, the famous clowning school.

Sell! Sell! Yeah.

Then buy it back! I don't know, man.

I know, right'?

Marty's a great boss.

I live by one rule:

WWMD. What would Marty do'?

That's it.

Oh, and also do whatever the company wants.

I've learned dedication.

I've learned to do anything to get the deal.

Honestly?

I learned the most to learn from his mistakes.

It's the only way you can get better is by
watching

someone fuck up in front of you.

You do whatever you have to do.

Whatever it takes.

And then you deal with the fallout later.

And that fallout can be your family, can be your
parents,

can be your kids, relationships.

All those things fucking go by the wayside.

Are you prepared for that? I'm just joking.

I don't know what the fuck this is.

You just, you just do what you do.

You kids kill me.

Oh, man! Oh, man! Oh, man!

Do you realize I've never had

Korean barbeque in my life?

Man, that was awesome!

That was bone-fucking awesome!

Yep, -Doug?

Doug, what are you doing?

I think I'm gonna float away!

You are, bro, I'm gonna help you.

Come here. I'm gonna help you. -Wait. No.

Yes. You're good, you're good, you're good.
Look at you.

I feel like I'm made out of balloons.

Look at you. You're awesome. Help him, help
him.

There you go. -Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh!

Jeannie van der...

Hooven.

Hoo...

Greg Norbert! -That's right.

Leave it. Let it go. Let it go.

It's not worth it.

Wow, you are a deep, deep...

You're deep. You're a deep well.

I know. Yes, I am, Greg.

Yes, yes. I am.

She's a very deep well.

She is full of secrets.

Secrets that are a great Westery to most of us.

What does that mean? What secrets are we
talking about?

You ever go, you ever go stand-up paddling?

I don't know what that means.

Hey. -Yeah?

Do we have a play here? -Not yet.

I love L.A.! I love it!

This way!

I'll meet you there in a sec. -All right.

Hey-hey-hey,

feeling all... feeling all boxed in and withdrawn?

I feel okay. You feel okay?

I do. Feel okay? No, no!

You do feel good'?

No, no, no! -I'm so sorry.

What do you mean, you're sorry?! -I had to.

Even with the weight of the world on you, man?

Like, with Greg the Company Slayer standing
over you,

broadsword held high? Zounds, my lord! You still
good?

I think I'm O.D.'ing I'm overd'ing.

You're not overd'ing. -I'm overd'ing.

One clay you come into my life, you devastate
my fucking life,

I come and I devastate your fucking career,
man.

You're not gonna do that. -You know,

I spend my whole career kissing up to my boss.

He doesn't give a shit about Greg Norbert.
Nada!

Hold it. -No, no, no...

That's not legal in L.A.'?

Excuse me. Mr. Greg Norbert?

I heard before. I overheard you say that it
doesn't matter.

And I just thought,

I wanted to tell you that I think that's a subjective
statement.

Yes, Norbert, having a job matters to me. -And
to me. And to me.

No-no-no-no-no- no-no-no-no!

No, imagine both you guys get fired.

You guys can spend more time together,

maybe even start a family.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. No!

The direction of your lives will change.

Greg, can we just go back to the part where you
said

Doug Guggenheim and I are starting a family
together?

Is that a sore subject?

'Cause it is for so many couples.

Exactly. -It is, you guys.

Oh, no, I get it. -Stop.

I see what you've done.

No, it's for straight couples, too.

I know. It is.

Exactly. Big decision.

That's the thing. Clyde and I

we are a straight couple!

That is the worst thing you could have said.

There's no... There's no judgments!

Dude, I'm so high.

Uh, Gregory? -Gregory?

Please stick out thine tonguage.

Thine tongue needs to be stickened.

Ch, Greg!

Oh!

That is beautiful!

No!

April 19, 1943.

Albert Hoffman takes 25 times the threshold
dose of LSD

and rides his bicycle through the streets of
Basel.

The first therapeutic use of lysergic acid
diethylamide.

The drug later goes on to be used as a
psychotomimetic,

a psychotropic, in CIA mind control studies,

and as a great way to see a concert.

But for our purposes, please observe one
Gregory Norbert.

I've watched him these past few weeks

poised on the precipice of... what?

Self-actualization?

Genuine epiphany?

Consciousness-opening revelation?

Whatever it fucking takes for him

to leave his hands off me and my company,

please, Lord, let us pray.

Uh, 10,000.

Uh, 10,000.

What was that?

10,000-- that's how many restaurants

there are in Manhattan.

That's what you're going to ask, right?

Actually L.A.

L.A. Oh. QSR or fine dine?

Wow. Fine dine.

4,617.

Yeah. Do you want to know my methodology?

Uh, supply side or demand side, uh,
triangulating...

What about, uh... $560.

A month. -Huh?

That's what you spend on your electricity bill.

Wow.

Impressive, huh'? I can see he's married,

so I impute the 1.7 children.

No stepfamily-- yet.

I mean, and given the typical...

Okay. -Okay.

It's all up here.

And locked away in the Guggen-vault.

Sometimes it's too much.

I went to Andover with your fiance.

Amanda.

Oh, good.

Good school. Good fiance.

Do you think you'll want

to keep working after you get married?

Not like you'll have to, with all of Wes's money.

Um, that's...

none of your fucking business.

But yeah,

I will keep working

until I'm a senior partner...

...and you're still perfecting

cappuccino orders.

When I look down the barrel of this thing

and I really think it through--

right, when the dust settles-

you know what I see'? I see you guys.

I see Kinsley.

And I want you to have

the first shot at Clyde Oberholt.

Start the bidding now.

Be the first ones.

You want me to take it back.

I know people laugh at me.

Uh, behind my back, sometimes to my face.

Uh, I'm a social retard. I get that.

Uh, do I have many friends? Not really.

But when it comes to numbers, there is no one
better.

That's not a brag. You can look it up.

So, uh...

having said that, can I...

can I ask what you, uh, wrote down about me?

Oh... don't write that down.

Stop writing down stuff I say.

When this doesn't happen,

and then you're sitting on this side of the desk

and they're looking at you three assholes

going, "Which one did it?"

When you start fucking each other over,

you try to throw him under the bus,

you offer to fuck her,

you give him a blow job, you give him a hand
Job,

all of a sudden, you're gay, what happens?

How do you get out of that?

I'm not going to forget any of you.

And when it doesn't go down,

I'm coming for each one of you motherfuckers.

Now, write that shit in your report.

Well, he is into it-- I mean, in theory.

The Argentinean peso

is a little wonky right now,

but I think he's going to come through.

Jesus Christ. Your man's that liquid? -Oil? Yeah.

No, that's seriously liquid. -No, that's liquid.

Oh. Greg.

Hey, -Hey.

Hey.

Hey, -Hey.

Is there something I can do for you?

Oh. No, actually,

I'm good.

I am real... good.

Good. Uh, should we, uh...

Oh, yeah. Let's...

Uh-oh.

So vulnerable.

So how was my team?

Weren't they amazing?

Everything I'd expected.

I'm not trying to shut your shop down.

I hope you know that, sweetie.

I prefer you with your balls.

Wow.

That's so sweet and... patronizing at the same
time.

Hmm.

Maybe you should teach me a lesson.

I think I'm just going to go home.

Ugh! You're being such a boner killer lately.

Monica, maybe we could just let it go.

I mean, can you imagine

what a relief that could be'?

Yeah, maybe.

Hold on. Hold on, Marty.

Hold on. Come on in.

Follow me. -What?

Come on. Just follow me.

Nah, this way. This way.

Wait right here.

Okay. -Wait.

Dad...

why are you taking Sinemet?

Why are you going through my shit?

I wasn't going through... Shh! Shh!

I wasn't going through your shit.

There was a pill in the middle of the floor the
other day.

Why are you taking Parkinson's drugs?

Do the math.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because... I figured you'd just try to-- I don't
know--

you know, kill me off preemptively, you know

to avoid any sort of, uh, well, discomfort

or pain in the future, and I thought...

Are you serious?

Yes, I'm fucking serious, Marty.

This shit is manageable.

They've got all kinds of drugs.

They got therapies.

And I'm going to be around for a very long time.

Like it or not, huh'?

I don't want some sort of prepackaged,

un-messy relationship with my son.

I want you to continue to challenge me,

you know, and to take me for granted and to be
the...

unbelievably fucking difficult

person that you are.

Because I like that person.

By the Way,

it's my body, and I can tell whoever the hell

that I want to tell, okay? -Pop. Pop, Pop, Pop.

Okay. I hear you.

Thanks for the concern.

Truly.

Wait right here.

Come. Look.

Come on, this way. Come on.

Sure it hasn't kicked in yet? Your hands are
shaky as hell.

All right. Keep your eyes closed, now.

Okay.

Are we... are we still whispering?

No, we're not whispering.

Somebody's behind you?

Oh!

Do it, man.

April!

Hey! Whoa!

The Roscoe...

and April Show!

I think that is my new...

favorite show.

Better than Wicked'?

Better than Wicked.

Here, teach it to me.

Messenger.

What? -Messenger.

Okay.

Come on, Fred!

Loved it!

Marty Kaan? -Yes, sir.

You've been served, sir.

What is it'?

Monica.

Custody.