House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 1, Episode 7 - Bareback Town - full transcript

HOUSE OF LIES
S01 Ep.07 - Bareback Town

So where is it
this week?

Tampa, I think.

Celeste at Mons Venus.
Definitely look her up.

She has a spectacular ass.

She'll make
you see stars.

What if I like your
spectacular ass?

My ass won't be in Tampa.
Celeste's will.

And when you get that itch,

I want you to have
a hot little scratcher.

So you think I just have
to fuck on the road,



You fucked me on the road, baby.

You think I can't keep my dick
in check for a couple of days?

I can absolutely not fuck around
on the road, sweetheart.

Baby...

I know you.

I know you.

Okay, well, you're going
to be eating so much crow

when I come back
here with blue balls

you're going to have feathers
coming out of your ass.

- Really?
- Really.

Yeah.

Well, if you do come back
with them,

I might be able to help you out.

How?



I don't know--

with this--

bareback.

Bareback?

It was the summer
after seventh grade

and she just stopped
eating all together.

Started losing all this weight,
and it was really sad.

You fatties talking
about diets again?

Jeannie, I'm sorry,
do you mind?

- Clyde, go on.
- Thank you, Doug.

She was throwing up all the
time, losing her hair.

I couldn't
even watch it.

That happened to a girl on
my floor in college-- bulimia.

Jeannie, a little
sensitivity.

Clyde is right in the middle of
a very personal story about...

- Coco.
- Coco.

Who's that, your grandmother?

It was my dog, Jeannie.
I'm just going to finish up.

Sorry.

I still remember, it
was the day before

I was supposed
to start eighth grade.

I fell asleep with Coco
on the laundry room floor.

I remembered the heat
from her warm body

as she cuddled up next to me.

I fell asleep to the
sound of her breathing.

And then when I woke up,
she was dead.

- My God.
- No.

- I'm so sorry.
- Coco.

Yeah, except that shit
never happened.

- What?

That is why, my friends,
I will always be penis deep

in the lady vah-jay-jay.

You really lead to add a "lady"
in front of that?

You've just witnessed
the story of Coco.

- That is my sure thing.
- Leg opener.

My ace in her hole.

Don't encourage him.

Hey, we're out of
here, guys, okay?

Tampa's off, D.C. is on.

- What's the new job?
- Novax Pharmaceutical.

We were specifically requested
by the CMO.

- You know why?
- Doesn't matter.

Brenda is a very good,
and very horny friend of mine,

and when she calls,
we come, Jeannie baby.

Hey, uh, hey, Marty,

listen, I just... I
want you to know that

whatever happens
with Metro Capital,

you have my total support.

- Thank you.
- I mean it.

You've been a great
mentor to me.

I'm not your mentor.

Maybe not officially,
but, hey,

you know, I never told you
this before,

but the firm had originally
assigned me to Michael Gimble.

- What?!
- I know, right?

Talk about an odd couple.

Oil and water.

Exactly. Not like this.
Peas in a pod.

You and me-- we finish
each other's...

sentences.

You know, anyway,
I just, I think...

I just think you
and I really established

a mentor-mentee relationship.

We have not.

Well, in any case,
Doug Guggenheim's got your back.

I am so comforted.

We are making our final
descent into Washington, DC.

Temperature is 52 degrees
and sunny.

I see you'll be staying

three nights with us,
Mr. Guggenheim.

Yeah, that's right.
We all are.

I'm sorry, are you related
to the Guggenheims?

- It's just, I'm an art major at G.W.
- I see.

No... Well, I really don't
like to talk about it too much.

Then don't talk
about it.

I'll take it from here.
He's not related to anybody.

What is it? Is it Britney?

Sorry, just to interrupt
there, no, my mother is

- a distant relative, so...
- Stop for one second.

- Honestly, just for one second.
- Okay.

That is a gorgeous name.

- It really is.
- It's Italian for

"She with the hot face."

I don't think so.

- I think it should be.
- Definitely not, though.

That would be...

So wrong again.

Come on, just
for one second.

Do you have our
phone numbers in there?

Britney, if I could-- Britney is, in
fact, Latin meaning "from Britain."

Doug why don't you stop making
shit up for one second.

- I'm not making anything up.
- Stop for one second.

- I minored in linguistics.
- You didn't minor in any--

Novax is battling Pfizer
to develop new drugs.

But before we go on,

I know that Galweather does a
lot of consulting for Pfizer.

This will not
interfere with that.

Tod Walton's our
account rep for that group.

But it's a totally
different division.

- We're good.
- Great.

You ever heard of Cepazine?

Who hasn't?
It's only the most powerful

and successful antidepressant
on the market.

Also happens to be Novax's
number-one seller, I think.

- I did my research on the plane.
- Well, recent clinical studies

also have shown that it helps
treat adolescent acne.

Well, that's great
for all those zitty kids

but we're consultants, we're not
scientists-- what's up?

This is a marketing plan
my team sculpted.

We estimate that we
can increase revenue

by almost 30%
for the company.

So you just want us

to rubber-stamp your
genius business plan?

No, I want you
to put it through

the rigorous analysis that
Galweather's known for.

And then rubber-stamp it.

And then rubber-stamp it.

The CEO is a
ball-fucking-buster, all right?

If this doesn't get green-lit,
I'm out.

And If I'm out...

Brenda, it's okay. We got this.

I'm still running marathons.

And my ass-- titanium.

Yeah, I checked that out.

Well, maybe if you're lucky, I'll
let you spank it after dinner.

See you at 7:00?

- That sounds great.
- Great.

Kinsley?

I'm hurt.

She's here on
another engagement.

That's not going to be
a problem, is it?

I don't think so.

Perfect.

Fuck.

I like when I see you
with your little girlfriends.

What are you doing here?
Just spying on me?

No.

Billing obscene amounts
of extra hours

on top of
my yearly number.

On top of your... bullshit.

Really?

I have got five minutes,

some whip-its and the key
to the executive bathroom.

Wait, hold on one second, okay?

I will find you.

So all we need to do is
base-line Brenda's number.

Add some value engineering,
hand job, hand job, hand job.

Do some due diligence.

I don't know, maybe sex it up,
put some gap analysis.

Architect a deck that supports
the sales projections, and...

We bill Novax for
the entire engagement

at 100% billability.

Billability:

The metric by which consultants
tangibly prove

their worth to the company.

Measured in percentages,

it's the amount of time
that you bill a client.

High billability means
you're not wasting time.

Billing 100% of your time
is the nuts.

And because this is
an emergency situation,

the fee is doubled.

And that is the stuff
of legends.

It's so pretty!

Let's not forget,
that with this engagement,

Daddy's going to make
his yearly billable target.

The holy grail.

Three months ahead
of schedule, no less.

And when Daddy makes his number,
what happens with Daddy's kids?

I got this one.

- We get our own telethon?
- Wrong.

We make our numbers.

And we will be golden-- as in
"merger untouchable" golden.

Well, you know, since we don't
need a SWOT analysis,

how about Doug Guggenheim
starts populating

an 80-20 model, you hear me?

No, no, no, stop, stop.

I own those work streams,
I'll do that, that's me.

But I think it makes sense.

I've already chunked out
the prelim data on the plane...

Doug doesn't think.
Doug crunches numbers,

I build models.
That's what I do.

That is my job,
so I'll do it.

- Whoa.
- I'm fine.

I'm just saying that's me.
I'll do it.

Clyde, Clyde, this
is a cakewalk.

- Let Doug grab it.
- You got it.

203.

I'll just meet you
over there then, I guess.

We need a cleanup
crew in here.

- It's a true story.
- You're funny.

No, about a hand.

Growing the hand.

Honestly, the first time
I saw it, I got a nose bleed.

I like to know what
people think honestly.

Of course.

I mean, appearance is great for
art and everything. Excuse me.

Can I, uh,
give you a hand?

I know my way
around a lady's sweater.

Do you?

I've said too much.

Four little bottles, Marty.

Two for you and two for me.

Now that we've
moved on

to awkward drinks
in my boss's room,

thank you so much for
inviting me to dinner.

I'm going to get
going now, Marty,

and start working
on the deck, okay?

No, no, no, no, no, no.
You're good.

Let's just have a...
you know, stay.

Okay.

Have a nightcap. Here you go.

Mmm, this is good.
Stay.

Is it hot in here,
or is it just me?

Va-va-va-voom.

Hi.

Brenda is a
marathon runner.

- Impressive.
- Yeah.

My best time is three
hours and 42 minutes.

Almost as long
as Marty and my last...

Almost.

This man
is insatiable.

- Yeah.
- How nice for you.

The fact that we scratch
each other's back, literally,

is just a bonus--
a bonus that I'm

looking forward
to having tonight.

Yeah, about that--
you see, I am just

getting over this
really nasty UTI,

and, uh, it's really

got me out of commission, so...

Well, I'm fucking
someone tonight.

I am not fucking
that sloppy Maryland housewife.

Shh.

That is so not in
my job description.

In the broadest
definition, it is.

Our job is to make the client
happy, no matter what.

Then you fuck her.

I'm not.

Why?

You fuck
everything, Marty.

I know that.

This is a perfect
situation.

There's no consequences,
no strings attached.

It-it's not going down, okay?

So you can just forget about it.
I'm...

Wait.

Do you have a girlfriend?

No.

No.

You do-- you have
a girlfriend.

Who would date you?

Listen to me--
we have to have

this engagement.

Do you hear what
I'm saying?

If this merger
goes down

and we don't lock up
this business,

we're not going to have
jobs to go back to.

Is it really that bad?

Yes, it's that bad.

- Fuck.
- Listen, listen.

Maybe they have strap-ons
in the gift shop.

Pig.

Hey, Bren, so I'm
going to take off.

Before Coco got sick,
he was just

the cutest little
thing, you know.

He was all black
and white and shaggy.

I can still
feel the weight

of his bony little body
just curled up on my lap,

staring up at me with those
sad little cancer eyes.

I don't know.

Sometimes I just
miss Coco so much.

Yeah.

Coco was a she,
you fucking dick!

That dog meant
everything to me!

What fucking dog?!
Coco was mine!

You get your own
fake animal!

You made up that dog
to get pussy!

It's a stupid
fucking story, man!

So stupid you
fucking stole it?

As if you were going
to use it, anyway.

I was. I had a date
with Britney tomorrow.

Right?

Sorry.

Just two seconds.

I'll put on
a naughty movie.

Hey. Marty told me how
much you like va-jay-jay.

Are you
okay in there?

Yeah, I think
I just had some, um...

some bad shrimp at dinner.

That doesn't bother me.

Now, you want your back flat.
It's kind of...

- Your shoulders are...
- That's better.

Okay.

And just bend at the waist.
Top one, turn over

to the bottom and get that
left shoulder behind the ball.

Okay.

And now you're in good position,

and from there,
you just... you fire.

- Okay.
- How's that feel?

Marty, come on, man.
I can't feel my fingers.

- I really got to pee.
- Come on.

Do you want to go to jail?
Do you two want...

You know what? Officer,
take these guys to jail.

- No!
- No, I don't want to go to jail.

- Then shut the fuck up.
- Yeah, shut the fuck up!

- Okay.
- Jesus.

Well, you broke my glasses,
so...

You're going to give me
the silent treatment?

That's fine with me.

God.

You want silent,
you got it.

I'm a fucking
Trappist monk.

I'm not going
to say a word.

And you're just not going to talk to
me for the rest of my life? Fine.

Doug, I build
the impact assessments.

I do the metric modeling--
that's what I do--

so why would you steal that
from me,

We're supposed to
be brothers, man.

We're supposed to look
out for each other.

Do you remember that part?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the fuck are
you talking about?

You think I don't see all your fucking
teacher's pet ass kissing every day?

What?

What do you mean, what?
With Marty.

"I'll get "those reports for you.
I'll get all that data for you.

- I want to suck your dick."
- Marty's my mentor.

No, he's not, Doug.
He's not.

What does it matter
anyway, right?

We're all going to be working

for fucking Douche Bag Norbert
in two minutes.

My God.
That's what this is about?

You're freaking out
about the merger?

And you're not?

You should be.

I'd like to give
you my card.

Put you in touch
with the head pro

at Congressional and
get you a nice round.

Shut up.

On me. Absolutely.
My God.

- Thank you so much.
- Thank you, Officer.

- All right. Have a good night.
- You, too.

You dickheads.

- Us?
- Yeah.

He started it.

White guys in handcuffs-- that's
not even supposed to happen.

Come on.

Okay.

Okay.

I guess I'm going
to have to call Marty.

No, no, no, baby. I am, uh...
I-I will be right out.

And I am going to make you

feel so... nice.

You're very pretty.

And I am going to finger-bang
you so hard tonight.

I'm all over that.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

All right.

There you go.

Hey, little man.

What can I get you to eat?

My name is Roscoe,

and my grandpa
makes me breakfast.

Where is he?

Grandpa!

What's wrong?!

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

Are you sure you're going
to be all right, Grandpa?

I'm fine. I just slipped.

I think we should take him
to the hospital.

That's nonsense.

No, everything
is just fine.

April's going
to take you to school.

Yeah... I will.

But I promise
I'll come right back

and stay
with him, okay?

Okay.

Won't even know.
We're like magicians.

We're not going to bury it.

Whoa, whoa. Hey, hey.
We are going to bury it.

No, we're...

Somebody need a diaper change?

I can hear you guys
all the way in the hall.

Take it easy.
What's up?

I was going through the
data, and I found...

That everything works.

- Everything is amazing.
- We deserve high-fives.

Will you two shut up, please?

- What?
- A glitch.

Some of the testing from
Novax-- it's not so positive.

"Highly adverse effects "on teens,
including, but not limited

to migraines, depression and
increased risk of suicide."

Convenient that Brenda forgot
to include these results

- in her study.
- Or, Jeannie,

do you think it's because

you're still mad
at the whole...

- Or would it be this way?
- Would it be...

Can we please try to be
adults for one second here?

We can't endorse
Brenda's pitch.

Marty, those are internal studies.
And inconclusive.

I got to say, I agree
with Doug and Clyde.

We are here to rerun numbers

and make sure we have the
same profit margin as Brenda.

You soulless
motherfucker.

You didn't even bat an eyelash
when you made that decision.

No, I didn't.
The question is, why did you?

Are you punking out?

No, Marty, I'm
not punking out.

I'm game, okay? And I think
I proved that by practically

roofie-ing a client last
night to get this deal.

- What?
- Whoa! My God.

And that showed great
initiative, by the way, I have to say.

I mean, I told her
just to fuck her.

I didn't say anything
about roofie-ing.

I am trying to be
serious right now.

Is there anything
that you won't do?

Anything?

Not a rhetorical
question, girls.

Is there a line that
you won't cross?

Please, Jeannie, like you're
the paragon of business morality.

For one second,

let's remember the old bait and switch
you pulled at the Cheesecake Factory.

- Yes.
- Now, how many people

lost their jobs because
of you, Jeannie?

That was a cost-saving measure

and no one ended up dead.

There is no line. Okay?

There's just the job.

On this engagement, your job
is to gauge the market

and assess the effectiveness

of a marketing plan.
That's it.

It's not that fucking difficult.

We're doing our part.
Let the FDA do theirs.

My God. You...

you could rationalize
the Holocaust,

if you tried hard enough.

You're here for one reason
and one reason only:

to maximize
shareholder return.

Sacrificing profit
for any other concern

is a violation of your fiduciary
responsibility, Jeannie.

It is not...

You're going to get
us all shit-canned!

Jesus, Monica...

There is another one of these,
but I want you to find it...

I can't.

You can't,

I don't know, that's not what

that hard-on is saying to me.

Man...

Monica, I'm-I'm serious...

Okay.

This is one of those,
this is one of those

role-reversals of our
"innocent virgin" game?

- Me likey.
- Monica, Monica...

- Fucking take me...
- Shit. No.

No?

No? Seriously?

What do you mean, no?

Let me break it down for you:

Brenda, Pinto.

Me, Lamborghini.

Are you jealous?

No, wait a minute,
you can't be jealous.

Sociopaths can't feel emotion.

Let's have a taste of
that, and we'll talk...

Listen, listen.
Let me be clear.

We're not a thing.

We're not a couple,
we're not dating,

we're definitely
not family.

So... no.

That's fucking great.

Hi.

Look, I know what you
told Roscoe is a lie.

I'm not stupid.

All right, wait.

Doctor says
I have Parkinson's.

Heard that's a lot of fun.

Yeah, a real party.

How long have you known?

Couple months.

They've been tweaking my meds.

I guess they haven't gotten
them quite right yet.

Obviously.

They make me dizzy.

But I'll be fine.

Don't tell Marty.

Well, I-I...

I need to tell him myself.

You. Last night?

Hot.

So as you can see,

with our independent
regression model,

that our numbers aligned

within three percent
of Brenda's.

Well within the expected
margin of error.

What about the adverse testing?

Well, since that was an
internally engineered study,

there's no real obligation to
disclose the results, is there?

No legal obligation.

What about ethical
responsibility?

By not taking those findings
into consideration,

you're basically condoning
the potential deaths

of God knows how many children.

No. I think we're done here.

Brenda, I gotta say,
little disappointed.

This... isn't good.

There is only one
thing left to do.

Pull It Out Of Thin Air.
Defcon 5.

This is when you have to
use all your resources,

your smarts, your intuition,
tips, tricks,

anything you can,

to secure a palatable
outcome for the client.

Prostrate yourself,
sell your fucking mother,

even tell the truth, if you
have to, do whatever it takes,

but get the business.

Can I be honest with you, Matt?

Brenda hid the results
from us, too.

This was something that
was discovered by Jeannie

in the raw data.

We'll talk later.

But we have blue-skied
a Plan B option,

if you'd like to hear it.

I'm listening.

He's listening.

Go to market early
with a generic Lipitor.

It's Pfizer's
number-one selling drug.

I think it's time they shared
with the rest of the class.

We can't do that,
we'd get sued up the ass.

Yeah, but...

By the time the case
comes to court,

you could fund your defense
from your sales profit.

And pay millions in fines.

But compared to
your profit margin?

- Drop in the ocean.
- It's a drop in the ocean.

You have no conscience.

But your plan...

that's something
I can get behind.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'll catch up.
You guys go ahead.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- That sucked.
- Yeah.

Don't worry about it.

I just wanted
to say good-bye.

Want me to call Holland,
see if I can, uh...

- No. I have another offer.
- Good.

At Pfizer.

I know. Crazy, right?

They're gonna love hearing
all about that blue-sky plan.

I don't think you
want to do that.

Marty...
You want to fuck me? Fine.

You want to fuck me over?

That's gonna cost you.

What I want to do
is cut your dick off,

but I'll settle for your job.

You want to go to war with me?

You think that's a good idea?

I haven't even
gotten started yet.

Pfizer has a $10 million
account with Galweather.

I'm sorry... had.

Had a $10 million account.

That's gone.

Todd Walton, your
account rep at Pfizer?

We went to Wharton
together, so...

He's a very nice guy.

Hates you.

How happy do you think
he's going to be

when he gets to tell Norbert
you lost that account?

Good luck getting a job
at a fucking Radio Shack,

once your merger goes through.

So...

Did you miss me?

You know I did.-

So?

So, you know how it
is on the road.

Temptation everywhere.

And you know how I am.

It's okay. That's what
condoms are for.

I'll go get one.

Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.

That's not gonna be necessary.

All aboard the train...

- to Bareback Town!
- Yee-hah!

...it's like eating snails.

No, okra's okay.
I hated okra!

Hate it okra.
Still hate okra.

You know it turns me on
when you play hard-to-get.

Monica...

- Really?
- Absolutely.

Hi, Mom.

Sorry.
How Norman Rockwell of you all.

Want some mac 'n' cheese?

April made dinner again.

No, thanks.

I will come back
another time, darling.

Say good night to Mom.

Night, Mom.

Be expecting a call
from my lawyers.

I want custody of Roscoe.