House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 1, Episode 6 - Our Descent Into Los Angeles - full transcript

My name is Marty Kaan,

and I'm a management consultant.

Every week me and my team go somewhere

and talk people into thinking they really, really need
us.

In a fight between Greg Norbert and Marty Kaan...

Motherfucker.

...all the fucking money is on you.

She made me come more

in a toilet stall in six minutes

than you have in the past three years.

You could not resist



slapping around Greg Norbert's manhood.

I think you wish someone would take you

and fuck your brains out.

'Cause whoever's doing it now

isn't doing it right.

I think we should have the engagement party.

Still don't know exactly what it is we do?

Time's up. Got to run. Call me.

Aw... What's wrong, what's wrong?

God, what the fuck happened?

You know, I think you hit your dick.

I did? -Yes.

We're beginning our descent into Los Angeles.

If you are just visiting Los Angeles



we hope you have an enjoyable trip.

If you live in the greater L.A. area, welcome home.

Home.

The place a management consultant goes

to...do his laundry.

...traveling to other destinations,

see your gate attendant for your flight assignments.

Have a wonderful day, and thank you for flying with
us.

We're on the road Monday to Thursday every week,

in the office Friday and then back on the road
Monday.

So every week, every year, as the mileage rewards
accumulate,

and the travel hook-up points accrue,

the meaning of home diminishes proportionately

until, for some of us, it's-- ifs kind of like limbo.

I know you just checked out my ass.

What'? He did not. - What? He did.

I may have.

And?

Not bad.

Thank you.

Hey, Jeannie, hold up.

Hey, listen, it's the last weekend of the national tour

of Wicked, and I happen to have an extra ticket for
Saturday.

Oh, Lordy. -Didn't want to ask the others, but...

I-- You know what, I actually have to get going,

but I'm going to see you guys bright and early
tomorrow.

Bye, Jeannie.

Hey, Clyde, what do you say, Wicked?

Doug, I wish I could, but I have to clean my oven,

so I can stick my head in it and kill myself.

See, that's what I'd rather do than go on a man date

to Wicked with you.

Have a great day, though. -Just say no.

Just say no.

I'll see you tomorrow. Yeah.

Sure.

So you go home and do what you can to cope with
the shift.

My dad smokes weed.

Not mine.

That's cool, too.

Yeah?

Would you ever?

Smoke weed?

No.

What else wouldn't you do?

I don't know, lots of stuff.

What would you do?

Lots of stuff.

He kissed me. -No I didn't.

You kissed me.

I didn't. I considered it, but I'm not that into him.

You did. -I didn't.

Yes, you did. -No, I didn't.

What?

Marty, your 10:00 is here.

I don't have a 10:00. -You have somebody out here

who says you do.

Mr. Kaan.

Thank you so much for seeing me

on such short notice. -My pleasure.

Uh, right this way.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, baby, baby, baby, slow down.

What are you doing here?

You're not happy to see me?

Should I be?

Are you nervous?

Marty Kaan is nervous. -Sweetheart, I'm not
nervous.

Confused a little, maybe befuddled,

definitely horny, but not nervous.

What are you doing here? I thought you were in
New York.

I got in. USC-- full ride.

What'? You got into S.C.?

Future lawyer. -Give it up.

You may approach the bench.

Mama, I think it's okay for you to admit now that
your move

was a little about me.

I admit it. -Yeah.

I uprooted my life, moved cross-country

for a guy I met stripping.

Uh-huh. So I could intermittently relieve his
boredom

during the three days a week he's off the road. -Oh.

Because I am so in his thrall.

Doesn't that feel better? -Mm-hmm. Yeah.

...just to get all that out in the open like that? -Mm-
hmm.

Oh, sweetheart,

you remember Greg Norbert?

Greg Norbert...

You turned out his wife?

Right.

Oh, I definitely remember his wife. -Yeah.

She sexted me a couple times.

That is so sweet.

But listen, he's here.

He's trying to buy the company.

Marty the cat will land on his feet. -I don't know
about that.

See, I have this non-compete clause

in my contract.

It means I can't just take my talents

and start working for the competition across the
street.

That's not good. -No, ifs not good at all.

I'd prefer if Mr. Norbert didn't find you here today.

You must be so stressed.

I can't even talk about it.

You know what, come here.

There are only a few things that work for stress.

Yeah? -I've had a lot of success

with this particular -April, this is a bad idea

at this time, this place.

I've done a lot of research. It works. -April, April...

Oh, hello.

Ohm

You're going to be an excellent lawyer.

Marty---

Can I... Can we just put all the animosity

on hold for like five minutes?

I just need a sounding board, bro.

It's my wife.

Oh, my ex,

I guess.

Jesus, I can't even say it.

I know she's younger and not exactly a rocket
scientist,

but she has such pretty hair.

Yeah, hey, Greg, I was... do you think that it would
be possible

if we could just, uh... do this at another... another
time?

Maybe in your office?

You know, I think Skip has bugged my office. -No.

I just feel like everything I'm saying in there

is being listened to. Just like someone's privy

to my private... ls everything okay?

I have this back cramp that's crazy -You know what,
Marty?

Hey, I'm not here on business.

I'm not playing you here, man.

This is mano a mano.

You are misusing that term, Greg.

What? -Yeah.

"Mano a mano," uh... doesn't mean man to man.

It means hand to hand.

It's like combat.

But I think what you're trying to say is man to man

so you're actually using it

in the exact inverse of what you're trying to say.

R-Really? -Yeah.

It's a common mistake.

Fucking consultants.

You guys are sharp, man.

You are the sharpest of the sharp.

I'm going to write that down.

I got it. -I got other pens, Greg.

Let me explain. - Rolling under... No.

Nice pen. -Yeah, I got that as a gift.

Can I be honest with you? It's weird because

I want to kill you.

But I feel a kinship, you know? We should hang.

That would be awesome, but I've got this crazy
workload...

Since I've been in So Cal, in LaLa Land,

I write things down.

Wow. -I started meditating.

Kiteboarding. Fuck, right?

Fuck

Yeah, vroom.

No, that's not me.

Oh, fuck.

Principal Gita.

I have a real great nail place, it's just down the
street.

I would totally... Oh, hi, sweetie.

What the fuck is going on?

You have my son out there

traumatized, Gita.

Can we just dial back the language, Mr. Kaan?

It's not going to help your cause.

Okay, what the fuck is she doing here?

Well, I thought, given the seriousness

of what happened,

both parents should be present.

Our son's out there on some bogus

sexual harassment charges. -Marty.

...and you're just sitting here drinking it in. -Hey,
Marty, Marty...

This is your moment, right? -Marty. Marty?

Mar... just...

just calm down a little bit.

I think we should really listen

to what Gita has to say.

Our son is-is wearing dresses,

and he's attack-kissing other boys. -What we have
here,

basically? It is a failed culture, okay?

It's a broken pedagogical paradigm

in the New Pacific School. What started out

as a system based on the near-perfect

theosophical teachings of Rudolf Steiner has now
descended.

It's now an outmoded,

anachronistic bastardization-- well, a limitation
really--

of its original intent...

Mr. Kaan. -Really.

Mr. Kaan!

Yes?

I have a doctorate

in education from Stanford. -Oh, boy.

My first job after my PhD

was as an educational consultant for DeLoit.

Which is where I met

my ex-husband, a management consultant very
much like you,

who made my life a living hell,

until I met my dear life partner Deandra.

So I know the nest of fucking pit vipers you crawl in.

Well... that came out.

Anyway, my desire is for the highest good

as it relates to Roscoe, and as it relates to the
school.

In this case, I feel

change makes sense. Just say it.

You're trying to expel my son.

Let's not think of it as an expulsion.

What do you want to think of it as?

Well. -What...?

I mean, is the other kid, Caleb

also not being thought of as an expulsion? -It's
complicated.

Is it? Well, let me unpack it for you.

Here's what's happening:

See, uh, I'm not paying for your new science lab,
okay?

And I'm definitely not getting the band

together to play your funky little fundraiser

for the school so Caleb's daddy, the rock star-

the '90s grunge big money man donor--

he gets it, he wins.

Right? Great values, Gita.

I hope you're teaching that to the kids.

Caleb's father is a generous contributor to the
school.

But this is about Roscoe, and what happened today.

I think we both know

he is trying to work through some kind-
- You know what, this is bullshit.

This is bullshit! -Marty...

This is bullshit.

Now, I am headed to the airport Monday morning.

But before I get there,

I'm dropping my son off at this school.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Gita... he is coming to school

Monday morning. -Not a good idea.

But I am more than willing to discuss this

further with the relevant parties before you leave.

I don't have a lot of time before I leave. It's gonna
have to be Sunday.

You good with Sunday at 4:00? -I can do that.

Wow.

Heard you really QB'd the shit out of

that Stay Rite engagement in Salt Lake.

Tough gig, you brought it home.

It was, and I did.

Mr. Control Freak Marty Kaan was okay with that?

Uh... more or less.

More, or less...

Wow. -What?

Shh, shh, shh. Shh, shh, shh.

It's just uncanny to me, how much you remind me of
my wife.

Well, you know, my... God... My ex-wife.

Wife/ex-wife/wife/ex-wife...

Yeah, I didn't... um...

I-I know, I know, what could you possibly say to
that, right?

Right. -It's a big compliment.

She's very talented.

She's a... formidable person.

That's very kind.

Well, I can be a kind person

some of the time, Jeannie. And you

are deserving of kindness.

And respect. -Thanks very much, Greg.

Hey, listen. Listen. I'm, um...

I'm new to town.

And I don't know a lot of people.

I don't know a lot of women. I do know you.

Hey, Marty. -Hey-

Marty... just talking to Jeannie about that

Stay Rite engagement

in Salt Lake. She really tore it up, didn't she?

Almost. -Oh, my God, thanks so much, Marty!

Well, hey, Marty, you gotta treasure your team

treat 'em right. Love 'em up.

Am I right, Jeannie-who-reminds- me-of-my-wife-
who-left-me-

after- Marty's-wife- made-her-sq u I rt?

Oh, my. Greg

I've already apologized for that.

And she wasn't my wife.

Oh, God, that's right. I remember now.

She was a cheap bi-curious stripper

who just gutted my life. Moving on.

Hey, guys. Guys!

Don't go anywhere, I need you. Stay.

Us two?

Stay.

So, it was fun to catch up.

I'm off to examine every piece of business

you've done in the last two years with

an electron microscope.

Wow! Get ready to be blinded by 1,000 suns!

Oh! Ready!

Ting ting ting!

I knew it was bad, but...

this is bad in a way that even I couldn't imagine.

Ah, fuck that guy.

So listen... it's the weekend coming up.

It's a sacred time, really.

Sure is. -You know?

A time when we just escape that hustle and bustle

and kind of just drop in, find that me time. -A little
time for Guggenheim.

Yeah. Well, that's not going down this weekend.

No? -No.

Roscoe is in trouble at school; he's being

unfairly persecuted and I need to buy some
leverage.

So the four of us are gonna go hard on that little

hippie-haven, find something to fuck them up.

That's not exactly on the development matrix,
Marty.

I'm asking for a little help here, Jeannie.

Right, but I have the right to say thanks but no
thanks.

No, you don't. I don't see you coming to my house
on the weekends,

helping me weed my vegetable garden.

Oh! I have an herb garden. -Oh, yeah?

Jeannie, this is not a vegetable garden; this is my
son

we're talking about. But I -You can handle it.

I'm gonna see you guys Monday.

Really? Just like that?

Apparently.

Well, I'm out then. I'll see you Monday.

No... What do you guys want to eat for dinner?

Oh, I'm out. Kind of doing a cleanse at the moment.

So... talk to me.

What's your dream cake? -Dream cake?

Yeah, you know... dream cake. -Every bride's got a
dream cake.

Yeah, you know, the one you've fantasized about

shoving in his face?

Ha.

We, uh... we talked about that.

I think, uh, just vanilla. We -Yeah, just... right.

We could do that. But might I make a suggestion?

Sure. Sure. Rolled fondant.

It's huge. It's enormous, it's the thing right now.

Sure. I mean, I'm not familiar with fondant

but it, it looks delicious. -Great.

So what colors are we working with?

Um, colors, we didn't -We didn't really have...

have a chance to... a chance to talk about it.

Colors. Um...

I was just thinking maybe just cake... color.

Uh, could we take a look at your book, or do you...

have a book?

Yeah. Feel free. It's right over there.

Take your time. All right. Cool.

Okay.

You okay? -Mm-hmm. Yes.

I love you and all, I just don't love cake.

Right.

Or vol au vent pastry with herbed goat cheese.

Or fucking horse-drawn carriages. Or a wedding.

You're talking to the right guy.

Okay? Let's just keep this simple,

and have a kick-ass party.

Okay?

I mean... I guess we have to have a wedding cake,
right?

So let's just fucking pick one out

and get out of here. -Okay.

And we can go do unspeakable things in the
parking lot

in the car, in broad daylight. -Okay.

Okay? All right?

Hi! How are you doing?

Good. Oh, my goodness!

Okay. I pulled this

out of a bridal magazine in Provence.

OMG. I love this cake.

Six-tiered hexagon almond amaretto cake,

covered in Tiffany blue sugar flowers and fondant
bows,

for 200 guests. Beautiful.

Well, my wife has great taste.

You just said 'wife

I sure did.

A
V'-J'.

Oh, shit...

Fucking Marty Kaan needs me to come into the
office today.

On a Saturday? Seriously? -Yeah.

My God, he has no respect for your personal life.

Okay, well, it's my job.

I mean, what's not my job is to be standing here,

tasting 14 different varieties of dry cake, you know?

That's not more important. -Okay.

Okay. Jesus.

Sorry. I... um...

it's just, this fucking acquisition,

Marty's freaking out,

and he doesn't have a friend in the world, so he's
afraid

he's gonna be pushed out by this guy from New
York.

Wait, why are you rushing to take his side right
now?

I mean, shouldn't you be playing some politics at
this point?

I... I'm trying to.

All right. Well, uh, hey, go get'em, babe, all right?

Okay. Thanks.

Hey. We're still okay, right?

Yeah. We're good.

Good.

Thanks for bringing me to your office.

I like it.

Very architectural.

Yeah, thanks. Yo!

Yo, yo! -Hey, good timing.

Do you own it? -No.

But... some of it. A small part.

You know, there's other partners, and they own

a lot bigger part of the business, a lot bigger shares.

Are you going to be a big partner, with bigger
shares?

What do you think?

Definitely big time.

Yeah, from your lips, man. -Hey, hey.

What up, little man?

Cold chillin', Sir Clyde of the North.

Sir Clyde of the North?

Did you hear?

I'm being wrongfully accused, like Joan of Arc?

We're going with Hurricane Carter, buddy.

Don't even worry about it, because you know we
got you, right?

I heard that, dawg.

Come on. Knuckle up, bro-heem.

Don't black it up.

That's what I'm talking about.

Daddy, you're about to fall in love with us

for we have officially found

the creamy center of the Ho-Ho.

Do tell.

Shit, Roscoe!

Go to the kitchen or something.

Raid the fridge. I got some frozen Snickers in there.

Okay, I'm on it. -Don't eat all of 'em.

You know he's probably gonna eat 'em all. -Yes, I
know he's gonna eat'em all.

What's going on? -Okay, listen. Back in 2009,

NSR: National Standardized Review was

found guilty of orchestrating widespread cheating

across 20 schools, private and public.

Okay.

Okay, so New Pacific

was one of the schools mentioned.

So? -So, what the NSR

would do was inflate the schools' test scores

to give the appearance that they had a greater

success rate than they actually did.

When was this?

Hold on. NSR's now gone

the way of Milli Vanilli,

but Roscoe's school has moved on

to an apparently more "credible" testing source:

the National Testing Board.

However, have a look at the brochures from '09.

Compare them with the brochures for 2012.

2009, 2012.

Those look exactly the same.

Because they're identical.

That's right. New Pacific is still claiming

fraudulent scores from '09 to bolster their
enrollments.

Even though the kids are still not performing as
promised.

That's bad.

That is bad.

That's good.

Mm-hmm. That is good.

So, I can still make Wicked in time?

I invited my landlady. I should let her know.

The lady with a dozen pigeons?

Yeah, they're homing pigeons.

Hey, listen, we are good.

Thing One and Thing Two are fast asleep.

Does that mean we have to be quiet?

You don't believe him. -Who?

Roscoe. You think he did it.

You think he kissed that boy.

If I don't believe him, why am I taking on the
school?

Why am I fighting so hard?

'Cause that's what you do.

You're a good dad.

I don't know about that. -I do.

I had a shitty one.

You're a consultant.

I am. -I need a consultation.

Okay, what's up? -You know love hanging outwith
you.

April, don't bullshit me, okay?

I don't want to play games with you.

Just, just tell me what's up. Don't soft sell it.

I killed someone.

Okay, maybe you can soft sell it a little bit.

But it was an accident, and they're talking about
second-degree murder.

Wait a minute, are you fucking serious?

You killed somebody?

Baby, uh...

listen, that's, that's

not really my area of expertise, you know?

There are legal consultants.

But they gotta do actual work.

I have consulted plenty of lawyers, Marty.

I need someone with a genuinely meta take on this
whole thing.

Someone's who's not constrained

by something as finite as the law.

Okay, um... who's the vie?

Off-duty cop.

Oh, fuck! Fucking cute.

Came over to my apartment, we had relations,

and she went to get a drink out of the fridge...

Wait a minute. Did you say "she"?

Yeah. As you know, I have a soft spot for cute girls.

Baby, except for the whole murder thing,

you're the perfect woman.

Anyway, she chugged a bottle of water filled with
GHB.

GHB, the party drug?

Yeah. What are you doing with a bottle full of GHB

in your fridge? I'm a 25-year-old stripper, Marty.

Yeah, true that.

And if I get a second-degree murder conviction,

I'll be barred from practicing.

Barred from practicing? You're gonna be behind
bars.

I told her it was, it was marked clearly, "GHB" in big
letters.

You told her and it was marked?

She was a cop.

I am a stripper.

They want blood.

I can't let this go to trial, Marty.

So I need a sexy motherfucker like you

to help me work some angles.

Consult.

Hey, Dad? -Yeah?

You believe me, right?

Doesn't matter if I believe you. You're my son.

Dad, do... you... believe me?

100%.

Now let's get these guys.

So as you can no doubt see from the numbers
there,

if this information were to get out to the press,

well, the New Pacific School would be in a very,

I don't know, sticky situation.

Yeah, it just got real, Gita.

Mr. Kaan, Marty, can I speak really honestly?

I have no idea.

It's not about the school or any perceived problem

you or anybody else has with it.

It's about you, Mr. Kaan.

Mmm-mm.

It's about you and your very sweet son.

And about how you're going

to lose him if you can't plug into his issues on

a very real and emotional and substantive level.

You are really talking out of your ass right now, Gita.

Please, Marty, let's just hear what she's got to say,
okay?

Yeah, come on, Marty.

Well, I've talked

to your father and ex-wife about how

you lost your own mother to suicide

at a young age

See? This is exactly

what I've been trying to say;

that your relationship with Roscoe

and Annalise's suicide are the same...

Are you fuckin' kidding me right now?

Exactly. Marty, tell her what

your mom used to say to you

when you were little.

Okay, that's it, that's it.

I'm done with this shit.

Just hang in there, Marty.

No, fuck that! What is this? Is this an intervention?

Are we here for Roscoe?! What is this shit?!

Yes?

Sorry, but Caleb wanted to talk to you guys.

Hey, I told my dad what happened;

that Roscoe didn't try to kiss me. I tried to.

And I guess, well, we're kids, you know?

And my dad said anyway, David Bowie and Marilyn
Manson,

they're both badasses who get tons of strange...

Thank you, Caleb. That's very interesting.

I told him no hard feelings. I mean, I get it.

I have an irresistible magnetism.

Okay. Go.

He's got a magnetism.

I think he was wearing my scarf.

It looks good on him.

You should have taken that scarf.

Do you think they really kissed or...?

Probably they did.

I admit the weather's fucking great, but it's not New
York.

No, it is better.

Uhh!

Whoo!

You want to get out of here?

Let's go.

Here you go, man. Keep it. All right.

Come on. LA over New York?

Are you high?

Yes, I'm definitely high.

But it's better, it's better.

It's just a secret.

A secret? Between you and 11 million people?

My closest friends.

Ah, but you told me. Does that mean I'm in?

Hey, so I was thinking about your cop situation.

Was this chick depressed or-or suicidal even?

And before you answer, listen, I-I could be
subpoenaed.

But I'm just saying if she was depressed,

and you told her about the GHB in the fridge and...

She chugged it. Yeah.

Suicide by GHB.

I'm just saying. Ask your lawyers,

but I think that constitutes a defense.

Yeah. You have the morals of a crocodile.

Said the rattlesnake.

I think you may have just saved my ass.

Glad to do it.

I like that ass. Now put it in the car.

I probably should have waited to tell you, though.

If I can get you to stay around a little bit longer.

I'm not going anywhere. -No?

Uh, I am, though.

I got a 4:30 a.m. car.

Where are you going?

Shit, I don't know.

Someplace where they make shit

and they need us to come in and tell them how

to make that shit better or faster or cheaper or...

I don't know.

Can I come watch you pack?

Yeah. Only take about two minutes.

I got that shit down to a science.

Sounds like we got some time left over.

Dirty girl!