House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 1, Episode 10 - Prologue and Aftermath - full transcript

Jeannie embarks on a gig to establish her own legend in the world of consultants when she leads The Pod to her hometown to resurrect an ailing church. On the home front, Monica's powers of manipulation reach new heights, threatening Marty's relationship with April.

My name is Marty Kaan and I'm a management

We need to get them on the tit. That's what we

Every week, me and my team go somewhere

and talk people into thinking they really, really
need us.

This is a nine-figure deal. If you don't start

interfacing in some meaningful way, I'm gonna

shitcan the lot of you.

Are you fucking serious, you killed somebody?

She chugged a bottle of water filled with GHB.

I'm gonna figure it out

one of these days, your dirty little secret.

This is Wes, my fiancé.

Be expecting a call from my lawyers.

I want custody of Roscoe.

You really think that the two top consultants in
the business

can gear up for a custody war'?

If it does, I'll destroy her.

Still don't know what it is we do'?

Hmm, then I guess we're doing it well.


Some men find pregnant women sexy.

Me? My penis is sad.

Why isn't this working?

I don't know. I think I have to come first.

I think you have to have a bigger dick.

Shut the fuck up! -Ah, yeah!

There you go. Ah! -Ouch! Bent it.

Fucking vagina is exploding!

I appreciate it. I'll call you back. All right, bye-

Honey, calm down, calm down, okay?

Maybe you should've fucking calmed down nine
months ago

and I would be closing on the CEO of Lindsay

at 2:00 instead of trying to pop out Marty Jr.

out of the eye of a fucking needle!

Oh, great. Now... now a vulture is gonna swoop

and steal my golden egg!


Lindsay Phillips, please. Kaan.

Marty Kaan, Galweather Steam.

Fuck you!

Yes, I heard that Kinsley had to cancel.

Pay...back is a bitch.

Uh, is this cucumber in here?

Yes. Do you like it'?

Yeah, it's great.

Fuck off.

Monica and I have always played dirty.

How is scheduling a custody mediation playing

In the middle of the week when I have an

and I gotta fly all the way back here for it'?

She's trying to fuck with me.

Or she really wants this to work out

and she's trying to be a real mom to Roscoe.

She did give birth to him. -No, her vagina did.

And if Monica wants custody of everything that's

up in there... -She better not try to get

custody of O'Henry on my watch.

Ooh. You don't have to call dibs.

O'Henry loves Pinky Tuscadero.


I love you.

Relax. I just wanted you to know.

Take care of O'Henry for me.


Hey! -Hey!

Where ya headed, pal?


Oh, coffee? -Here, got it for you.

You're welcome. -Let's turn around.

By the way, enormous congrats

landing this week's client.

Mega church equals mega business.

Yeah, can I tell you, I am so amped about going

to your hometown. Spokane, right?

It is Spokane! You think we'll find

any skeletons in the old Spokane closet? -Like

Oh, if I could dream, secret sex tape?

Yeah, secret love child with an uncle.

Right. Or I don't know, secret wedding.

Oh, that's right. We found out about the

Officer Dangler. Dick Dangler.

Looking for a naughty bride.

Do you like him? Because honestly,

he was the most expensive one they had.

Marty told us about it last week,

and we just wanted to say big congrats.

And you thought having Officer Big Dick

dry hump me in our office was the best way to
do that?

Great. What'd I tell you? She hates it. - She
loves it.

Look at her. She hates it. -She loves it.

Jeannie, I wanted to get you a penis cake.

I'll take the penis cake as well.

Chocolate, please?

Well, looks like someone's gonna have to take
another trip

down to the penis cake bakery, Doug.

Well, what can I say? They make great cakes.

I hear your custody battle's heating up.

Fucking ex-wives.

Well, the word "battle" makes it seem

like Monica actually has a chance in hell,

which she doesn't, so I'm good on that front.

Now I'm just focusing on how

to bust Skip's nut sack.

The White Knight's looking good.

Yeah? -Oh, yeah.

But you know, come to think of it,

fuck all that!

You're the motherfucking Rainmaker.

Fucking A! -I'm Marty goddamn Kaan.

Yes, you are, motherfucker. -We are
Galweather's relationships.

How about we we urge our friends

to threaten to leave Galweather? -Yes.

Shit this brick right before the vote goes down

leaving Skip no time to woo them back.

Oh, that's making me so hard, Marty.

Hey, thanks for telling the dildo twins...


Sorry. Good morning.

Good morning, potty mouth.

You know, I'm sure Jeannie is storming in here
to tell me

about landing her first whale. Really?

Yeah, she just reeled in a big one all by herself.

Well, must be getting good advice from


You know, Kinsley consultants

has had a lot to say about you, Jeannie.


So good luck this week.

Thank you.

You never forget your first one.

So, Jeannie, why did we have

to find out about Wes the hard way?

Dougie, Dougie, Jeannie didn't tell us about Wes

because a woman believes that she has more
power over a man

if said man thinks that said woman is still

Right, Jeannie?

That is incorrect. -Yes. -Under your sway.

That's not true. -Okay, I could get you guys to do

switch work streams, prep the deck for me,

That time I almost got you two to kiss?

That was me using my superpowers.

That is fraud analysis. We never kissed.

No, men will do anything for the unconquered

All right, handle it, Hoovie.

Shining Light Christian Center

run by Reverend Thomas Tyler.

So you dated a guy who became a reverend.

Just because I know him, I dated him?

In my fantasy, yeah, you did.

Also in my fantasy, she's wearing

this schoolgirl outfit that's insane.

Yes! -Dirty girl.

It's too small for you. -Excuse me.

Why don't you wear underwear? -Okay, I'm right

And the pigtails. She's been a naughty...

You were naughty. -All right. -Go, go. Give us a

He did used to sniff my hair in Sex Ed.

Dude was kinda obsessed with the Van Der

I'd jump in there if you let me.

Well, now he's all about business and God.

Shining Light saw its revenues plummet

by over $10 million last year,

so our job is to turn

that end-state vision around by energizing

and leaning hard on a massive brand repo.

He wants to be the next Joel Osteen celebrity

But'? -But...

the real bogey is to leverage this engagement

to get Galweather a nice big fat slice of that
mega church pie.

You know, God, Inc. is the new rock and roll.

Yes, and Joel Osteen is fricking Bono.

New frontier. Tell you what, kid.

You hit nothing but net on this one,

you will be the stuff of legend.

Mmm, can I get an amen?!


Jeannie Van Der Hooven!





Just like 1997, huh'?

It's good to see you.

Thomas is a wonderful pastor,

and our church has grown so very, very fast.

But, and there's always a but.

We have held steady at 50,000 members

of our flock in recent years

and another quarter-million between the six

in our Shining Light family, but we've leveraged

inside the bubble and we need

to convince the board to spend more in order

to attract new members.

If we can't get the board

to invest in new membership,

then we are looking at an apocalyptic situation. -
Mmm, mmm.

Old Testament stuff, huh'?

Fire and brimstone.

We need you guys to present the board

with a comprehensive media package

and a viable business model. Okay?

Yeah? And you have my complete support with
the board.

It's what we do.

Amen. -Amen.


I can't say it, I'm Jewish. Amen.

Here's the church.

Here's the church.

Here's the steeple.

Open the doors, Tammy Faye wants some

Clyde, do a dirty performance improvement

Oh, no, no.

Your superpowers no longer work on me,



It's nothing.


Potty mouth, party of one.

Jeannie, we're in a church.

Then say a prayer for me because

there's my mother.

Hello, Mama.

One word about my engagement, and I will out
off O'Henry,

Supa-Dupa and Knight Rider, and I will throw

in a Mexican dogfight.

And if she invites you to dinner, you know what
to say.

Mmm. Phoebe, dinner smells delicious.

Let me tell you something about this woman.

She is naughty! She's hilarious.

You didn't tell me your mom was so funny.

Oh, Jeannie doesn't like my jokes.

She says they're dirty.

They are dirty. -Especially the one...

Okay, Mom, I work with these people, so don't...

Jeannie's always so touchy.

Oh, nothing wrong with being touchy.

Oh, she's so touchy, right'?

What else is she, huh'? What else?

Uh, let me tell you what else she is.

She is, uh, Junior Miss Spokane 2002.


You must be so proud.

Is that real'? -Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Jeannie, baby, pop me one of these waves.

Hit me with one of the... Or you know what?

Maybe pop on the crown?

Oh, I'll pop it somewhere all right.

Jeannie worked the circuit for years.

Is that right'? Mm-hmm. Oh, my God.

Phoebe, I can't believe I'm about to share this
with you.

I actually did beauty pageants myself. -Oh!

What a coincidence. So did I.

Yeah, well, I was crowned king

17 times in a row. -Well, I won

most flair in Little Prince Charming.

I don't believe that.

Well, I coached the hell out of Jeannie.

Oh. -And she was

the sexiest little kid on that stage.

Sexy seems like the wrong word.

Then she just up and quit.

I didn't quit. I got into Columbia.

So tell me about L.A.

I mean, I'm always threatening to visit,

but she's always saying no.

Well, I'm never home.

I travel all the time for work.

You know, guys, I was happily married at her

Oh, too bad.

What... whatever happened to that Wes?

I told you-- we broke up.

"Broke up."

I just saw him when I...

Yeah, no, the breakup.

I remember that now. That was tough for you.

Good thing is, though, uh,

she's killing it at work.

She is on the fast track to partner.

Well, Jeannie always gets what she wants.

She's just like her daddy.

Where is Daddy now, Mom? Huh'?

Where is he?

Well, you know your father

works late.

He really wanted to meet your friends.

Oh, next time. -Mmm.

Right. My dad works late a lot.

Uh, he's also out of town a lot.

'Cause he travels for business.

A lot.

He's always kind of

been a bit elusive that way.

Right, Mom?

Well, I think I'll go check on the chicken.

Okay. -Mmm.

Yeah, you do that.


Who's in here?


Van Der Hooven.

Why do you always say my full name?


Wow. Thou shalt fuck thy secretary after all. Oh,


Sniffing more than hair these days, huh'?

Yeah, I'm going to need you to put that away.

Yeah, this is, uh, just a...

a one-time thing.

Swear to... swear to God.

You know, my wife, she-she...

all she cares about is Shining Light

and business and being a celeb preacher's wife.

She's completely...

abandoned our marriage.

You know, maybe I should have married
someone like you.

You know, I have always liked you,

Miss Junior Miss Spokane 2002.

All right, you're kind of getting off track here.

The point is, I have needs.

A man of God is still just a man.

Oh, you poor guy.

Choose your dick or God.

Uh, Mr. Kaan. Heard you had to fly in.

What, you think I'd miss this party? Are you

Uh, well, then

Mr. Kaan, Ms. Talbot,

the intention of this afternoon

is to reach a settlement.

No lawyers; just working it out

in a reasonable fashion-- two concerned

Where's the other concerned parent? Marty-

he is my son, too. -Yeah, you just

figure that shit out after eight, nine years?

Yeah, you fucking crackhead. Why don't you

the pipe out of your mouth? Figure that out.

Do you... do you see what I'm dealing with here?

O-o-okay. Such anger.

Uh, Ms. Talbot,

you requested this mediation.

Why don't you go first and...

Equal time. I want equal time.

Oh, a 50-50 split. No. Not gonna happen.

We're not going to have him living out of a

while he's shuttling back and forth between my

and fucking Cruella de Vil's mansion.

Uh-uh, not split weeks; I want years.

Mr. Kaan has had Roscoe for five years.

I want Roscoe for five years.

Uh, that's a... a little different than...

what we had discussed. -I don't care.

You're not even here half the time.

Oh, I've also requested

a long-term engagement here in Los Angeles.

You can write that.

I'm actually going to be home more than you.

Yeah, well, you're still going to be you.

You know, narcissistic,

fucking burnout, pill-popping...

Oh, again with the drug...

Don't write that down. It... you know what?

I am addicted to many things, but drugs is not
one of them.

Are you fucking kidding me right now?

How's O'Henry'? -Henry'? Uh, who's Henry?

O'Henry. It's my dick.

And her foot is rubbing it right now.

You are very fucked-up.

You kind of like it.

Is-is... is it still there?


Uh, okay, well, then, uh

I think I'm going to, uh, leave the...

the two of you alone for a moment,

and, uh, I'll be... I'll be right... right back.

You can't win this thing.

I've made mistakes with Roscoe that I can't
make better,

but I still have time to fix it.

You know what it's like to grow up and miss your

You hear yourself?

You can't help it, Monica.

You're empty.

You can't fill that shit up. Maybe.

Do you remember when we found out that I was

I wanted this little boy, too.

And I...

I wanted...

Can we just stop being so serious?

Come on.


Listen, uh, about last night--

Suzanne is kind of suspicious.

She thought she saw some lipstick on me,

so I kind of told her that I was working late

with you and you accidently

brushed up against me, so...

Jesus, I suck at fornicating.

The dick is closed for business.

Thomas? -Yes.

They're ready to go over

your light cues for Sunday morning.

Righty, honey. I'll...

Uh, this is...

Bye. Bye, Jeannie.


I've asked around about you, and you...

were a little fast in the panties back in the day.

Hmm? So... l guess I'll let you

prep for tomorrow, yeah?

Oh, the board can be

a prickly bunch, but I'm sure

it'll all go according to God's plan.




Hey, baby-

Hey, baby-

Yeah, I, uh...

thought I was going to have time to come back,

but I just had to go right into the mediation.

Yeah, I'm at the airport now.


Yeah, I love you, too.

I'll call you when I get there.


Hey, you guys are getting serious, huh'?

It's such bullshit.

This is your "save a ho" mode.

I've seen it before,

and trust me, it never ends well.

Yeah, well, you're right.

Damaged and unfixable--

that used to be my type.

But where did it get me?

Right here, right'?

Having empty sex

with a woman I never even should have married.

I love April.

Roscoe loves her, too,

and not just because he has to.

It's good.

Uh, Mr. Kaan?

Ms. Talbot?

I got to catch a flight.

We were just looking for you.

We are ready if the board is.

Well, Jeannie, we have been thinking. Praying.

Yes, praying, and we just don't feel

that you and your team are just a good fit

for Shining Light.

Right, Thomas? -Yeah. You're right.

I had a feeling that you might say that.

Well, you can take the girl out of Spokane, but...

You're right about that. -Okay, so, uh,

we should just go'? Yeah, I think that's best.

I'll probably... I'm just going to...

And I'll explain to the board about your absence,

and I'll make it discreet.

You are a blessing. -Ah.

Well, we're ready if you're ready for the

Um, actually we're, uh, we're leaving.

What are you talking about?

Some things happened while you were away.


And I messed up.


So let's go.

Yeah, let's go. -Let's hit it.

Wait a minute. What are we going to do about
Nick Peterman, though?

What are you talking about?

Nick Peterman of Peterman Media.

We need to be careful.

Since he is one of Galweather's biggest clients.

He's already agreed to fly into Spokane.

I don't know how much time we have.

I guess we just should promise to partner him
with another client.

Oh, this would have been such a great marriage,

Mm-hmm. -But...

I know. So...

your firm handles Peterman Media? -Mm-hmm.

Yeah. -Oh.

Yeah, they were interested

in getting into faith-based content, so I pitched

a partnership with Shining Light.

He was very excited. -Oh.

We started talking about

TV ministry, books, reality TV and this and that.

He thinks you guys are going to be the next
Osteen, but...

Jeannie, this is a done deal. Let's...

Listen, I do want to say before we leave, I really
am sorry.

And I'm sorry for her as well. -You know what?

If Nick is flying in right now,

we can take a meeting with him.

Take that long. We can...

Probably couldn't hurt.

Yeah. -Yeah. Let's do it.

Yeah, let's do it, guys.

Nick, thanks again for flying in.

I think Shining Light is the perfect investment.

And I will be your primary.

Yes, me, too.

Okay. Yeah, I'm glad we could we make the

All right. Okay, bye.

You are really good at your job.

That is because my job

requires me to lie, Mom.

Something I perfected a long time ago, right'?

I never asked you to lie, Jeannie.

You did. You did.

And you still want to keep doing it.

But I... can't.

I didn't break up with Wes.

We're engaged.

The wedding is in two months

and I didn't tell you because

I don't want us to do the whole "Why isn't Daddy
around?" dance

that we've been doing for the last 16 years.

We have to lie and pretend

about every goddamn thing.

About how he hurt you.

About how he hurt me...

when he left.

But people talk, Mom.

People fucking know that Daddy wasn't at work

And no matter how many pageants you made
me do,

people still knew, okay?

We were still the same fucking family.

And I am done pretending. I'm done.

But you keep going, okay?

You have a blast.

Monica. Awkward.

Nobody's here but me.

So where's the old man?

Jeremiah is with your son.

It's Thursday.

Roscoe has dance.

Everybody knows Roscoe has dance.

Oh, aren't you the happy little homemaker.

What can I do for you, Monica?

Well, I think you've heard some bad things about

And some of them might be true.

I'm not perfect.

But then neither are you, though, right'?

Yeah, Marty ran a hypothetical past a friend of


GHB can be tricky.

I don't like to be fucked with, Monica.

I bite, too.

Well, I want to be friends. I'm here to be friends.

I want to be a good mom

to Roscoe.

And I realize that you're here to stay.

That's right. I am staying here.


And I knew it when I heard him tell you that he
loved you.

And now that I know how serious the both of you

I will respect the fact

that your place is here with my husband.

Oh, ex-husband.


I'd lose that habit, Monica.

Whoo. Marty always did love 'em feisty.

Now believe me, from here on out, hands off

Yesterday was just a mistake.


great job on Shining Light.


Are you proud of me?

Hey, come here.

Of course I'm proud of you.

Hey, baby-

Crazy-ass week.

Now I know why I hate church.

How was mediation?



Monica actually thinks she has a shot of getting
Roscoe back.

She's delusional.

Hmm. So you decided to fuck some sense into


I got to say, Marty, you called it.

You said she wanted to fuck you in mediation,

so you were right.

Oh, come...

April, stop, please.

Don't pack?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Let me... let me sit back

and hear some of that Marty Kaan spin.

Go on, sell me.

Fucking sell me, Marty.

No? Nothing? I'll go for you.

My name is Marty Kaan.

And everything you thought you knew about me,
you don't.

I am smarter than you, and I will make you need

And then I'll show you how

I am completely incapable of being loyal

to anything or anyone but myself.

I'll blow the fucking shit out of any goddamn

that could ever be good for me in my life.

What happen...

What happened to the girl who's, like,

here's my friend in Tampa

and I want you to have...'?

You're in the middle of a custody battle

and she's trying to take your son from you.

Who, by the way, deserves way better than the
two of you.

And in the middle of that,

your dick got hard.

Who does that?!

Me! I'm fucked up!

I hate myself

because I knew who you were...

and I still fucking fell for your shit.

I guess that's 'cause I'm fucked up, too, right

We all know that, I'm fucked up.

You know what, you're more fucked up

and you are way too fucked up for me. -April,
please, please.

Please, please, please don't, just don't...

Were you inside of her when you told me you
loved me?



Over, right?

Okay, so don't speak to my son on the way out.

Leave my key on the counter.


Marty fucking Kaan.