House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 1, Episode 10 - Prologue and Aftermath - full transcript
Jeannie embarks on a gig to establish her own legend in the world of consultants when she leads The Pod to her hometown to resurrect an ailing church. On the home front, Monica's powers of manipulation reach new heights, threatening Marty's relationship with April.
We need to get them on the tit. That's what we
Every week, me and my team go somewhere
and talk people into thinking they really, really
This is a nine-figure deal. If you don't start
interfacing in some meaningful way, I'm gonna
shitcan the lot of you.
Are you fucking serious, you killed somebody?
She chugged a bottle of water filled with GHB.
I'm gonna figure it out
one of these days, your dirty little secret.
This is Wes, my fiancé.
Be expecting a call from my lawyers.
I want custody of Roscoe.
You really think that the two top consultants in
can gear up for a custody war'?
If it does, I'll destroy her.
Still don't know what it is we do'?
Hmm, then I guess we're doing it well.
Some men find pregnant women sexy.
Me? My penis is sad.
Why isn't this working?
I don't know. I think I have to come first.
I think you have to have a bigger dick.
Shut the fuck up! -Ah, yeah!
There you go. Ah! -Ouch! Bent it.
Fucking vagina is exploding!
I appreciate it. I'll call you back. All right, bye-
Honey, calm down, calm down, okay?
Maybe you should've fucking calmed down nine
and I would be closing on the CEO of Lindsay
at 2:00 instead of trying to pop out Marty Jr.
out of the eye of a fucking needle!
Oh, great. Now... now a vulture is gonna swoop
and steal my golden egg!
Lindsay Phillips, please. Kaan.
Marty Kaan, Galweather Steam.
Yes, I heard that Kinsley had to cancel.
Pay...back is a bitch.
Uh, is this cucumber in here?
Yes. Do you like it'?
Yeah, it's great.
Monica and I have always played dirty.
How is scheduling a custody mediation playing
In the middle of the week when I have an
and I gotta fly all the way back here for it'?
She's trying to fuck with me.
Or she really wants this to work out
and she's trying to be a real mom to Roscoe.
She did give birth to him. -No, her vagina did.
And if Monica wants custody of everything that's
up in there... -She better not try to get
custody of O'Henry on my watch.
Ooh. You don't have to call dibs.
O'Henry loves Pinky Tuscadero.
I love you.
Relax. I just wanted you to know.
Take care of O'Henry for me.
Where ya headed, pal?
Oh, coffee? -Here, got it for you.
You're welcome. -Let's turn around.
By the way, enormous congrats
landing this week's client.
Mega church equals mega business.
Yeah, can I tell you, I am so amped about going
to your hometown. Spokane, right?
It is Spokane! You think we'll find
any skeletons in the old Spokane closet? -Like
Oh, if I could dream, secret sex tape?
Yeah, secret love child with an uncle.
Right. Or I don't know, secret wedding.
Oh, that's right. We found out about the
Officer Dangler. Dick Dangler.
Looking for a naughty bride.
Do you like him? Because honestly,
he was the most expensive one they had.
Marty told us about it last week,
and we just wanted to say big congrats.
And you thought having Officer Big Dick
dry hump me in our office was the best way to
Great. What'd I tell you? She hates it. - She
Look at her. She hates it. -She loves it.
Jeannie, I wanted to get you a penis cake.
I'll take the penis cake as well.
Well, looks like someone's gonna have to take
down to the penis cake bakery, Doug.
Well, what can I say? They make great cakes.
I hear your custody battle's heating up.
Well, the word "battle" makes it seem
like Monica actually has a chance in hell,
which she doesn't, so I'm good on that front.
Now I'm just focusing on how
to bust Skip's nut sack.
The White Knight's looking good.
Yeah? -Oh, yeah.
But you know, come to think of it,
fuck all that!
You're the motherfucking Rainmaker.
Fucking A! -I'm Marty goddamn Kaan.
Yes, you are, motherfucker. -We are
How about we we urge our friends
to threaten to leave Galweather? -Yes.
Shit this brick right before the vote goes down
leaving Skip no time to woo them back.
Oh, that's making me so hard, Marty.
Hey, thanks for telling the dildo twins...
Sorry. Good morning.
Good morning, potty mouth.
You know, I'm sure Jeannie is storming in here
to tell me
about landing her first whale. Really?
Yeah, she just reeled in a big one all by herself.
Well, must be getting good advice from
You know, Kinsley consultants
has had a lot to say about you, Jeannie.
So good luck this week.
You never forget your first one.
So, Jeannie, why did we have
to find out about Wes the hard way?
Dougie, Dougie, Jeannie didn't tell us about Wes
because a woman believes that she has more
power over a man
if said man thinks that said woman is still
That is incorrect. -Yes. -Under your sway.
That's not true. -Okay, I could get you guys to do
switch work streams, prep the deck for me,
That time I almost got you two to kiss?
That was me using my superpowers.
That is fraud analysis. We never kissed.
No, men will do anything for the unconquered
All right, handle it, Hoovie.
Shining Light Christian Center
run by Reverend Thomas Tyler.
So you dated a guy who became a reverend.
Just because I know him, I dated him?
In my fantasy, yeah, you did.
Also in my fantasy, she's wearing
this schoolgirl outfit that's insane.
Yes! -Dirty girl.
It's too small for you. -Excuse me.
Why don't you wear underwear? -Okay, I'm right
And the pigtails. She's been a naughty...
You were naughty. -All right. -Go, go. Give us a
He did used to sniff my hair in Sex Ed.
Dude was kinda obsessed with the Van Der
I'd jump in there if you let me.
Well, now he's all about business and God.
Shining Light saw its revenues plummet
by over $10 million last year,
so our job is to turn
that end-state vision around by energizing
and leaning hard on a massive brand repo.
He wants to be the next Joel Osteen celebrity
the real bogey is to leverage this engagement
to get Galweather a nice big fat slice of that
mega church pie.
You know, God, Inc. is the new rock and roll.
Yes, and Joel Osteen is fricking Bono.
New frontier. Tell you what, kid.
You hit nothing but net on this one,
you will be the stuff of legend.
Mmm, can I get an amen?!
Jeannie Van Der Hooven!
Just like 1997, huh'?
It's good to see you.
Thomas is a wonderful pastor,
and our church has grown so very, very fast.
But, and there's always a but.
We have held steady at 50,000 members
of our flock in recent years
and another quarter-million between the six
in our Shining Light family, but we've leveraged
inside the bubble and we need
to convince the board to spend more in order
to attract new members.
If we can't get the board
to invest in new membership,
then we are looking at an apocalyptic situation. -
Old Testament stuff, huh'?
Fire and brimstone.
We need you guys to present the board
with a comprehensive media package
and a viable business model. Okay?
Yeah? And you have my complete support with
It's what we do.
I can't say it, I'm Jewish. Amen.
Here's the church.
Here's the church.
Here's the steeple.
Open the doors, Tammy Faye wants some
Clyde, do a dirty performance improvement
Oh, no, no.
Your superpowers no longer work on me,
Potty mouth, party of one.
Jeannie, we're in a church.
Then say a prayer for me because
there's my mother.
One word about my engagement, and I will out
Supa-Dupa and Knight Rider, and I will throw
in a Mexican dogfight.
And if she invites you to dinner, you know what
Mmm. Phoebe, dinner smells delicious.
Let me tell you something about this woman.
She is naughty! She's hilarious.
You didn't tell me your mom was so funny.
Oh, Jeannie doesn't like my jokes.
She says they're dirty.
They are dirty. -Especially the one...
Okay, Mom, I work with these people, so don't...
Jeannie's always so touchy.
Oh, nothing wrong with being touchy.
Oh, she's so touchy, right'?
What else is she, huh'? What else?
Uh, let me tell you what else she is.
She is, uh, Junior Miss Spokane 2002.
You must be so proud.
Is that real'? -Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Jeannie, baby, pop me one of these waves.
Hit me with one of the... Or you know what?
Maybe pop on the crown?
Oh, I'll pop it somewhere all right.
Jeannie worked the circuit for years.
Is that right'? Mm-hmm. Oh, my God.
Phoebe, I can't believe I'm about to share this
I actually did beauty pageants myself. -Oh!
What a coincidence. So did I.
Yeah, well, I was crowned king
17 times in a row. -Well, I won
most flair in Little Prince Charming.
I don't believe that.
Well, I coached the hell out of Jeannie.
Oh. -And she was
the sexiest little kid on that stage.
Sexy seems like the wrong word.
Then she just up and quit.
I didn't quit. I got into Columbia.
So tell me about L.A.
I mean, I'm always threatening to visit,
but she's always saying no.
Well, I'm never home.
I travel all the time for work.
You know, guys, I was happily married at her
Oh, too bad.
What... whatever happened to that Wes?
I told you-- we broke up.
I just saw him when I...
Yeah, no, the breakup.
I remember that now. That was tough for you.
Good thing is, though, uh,
she's killing it at work.
She is on the fast track to partner.
Well, Jeannie always gets what she wants.
She's just like her daddy.
Where is Daddy now, Mom? Huh'?
Where is he?
Well, you know your father
He really wanted to meet your friends.
Oh, next time. -Mmm.
Right. My dad works late a lot.
Uh, he's also out of town a lot.
'Cause he travels for business.
He's always kind of
been a bit elusive that way.
Well, I think I'll go check on the chicken.
Yeah, you do that.
Who's in here?
Van Der Hooven.
Why do you always say my full name?
Wow. Thou shalt fuck thy secretary after all. Oh,
Sniffing more than hair these days, huh'?
Yeah, I'm going to need you to put that away.
Yeah, this is, uh, just a...
a one-time thing.
Swear to... swear to God.
You know, my wife, she-she...
all she cares about is Shining Light
and business and being a celeb preacher's wife.
abandoned our marriage.
You know, maybe I should have married
someone like you.
You know, I have always liked you,
Miss Junior Miss Spokane 2002.
All right, you're kind of getting off track here.
The point is, I have needs.
A man of God is still just a man.
Oh, you poor guy.
Choose your dick or God.
Uh, Mr. Kaan. Heard you had to fly in.
What, you think I'd miss this party? Are you
Uh, well, then
Mr. Kaan, Ms. Talbot,
the intention of this afternoon
is to reach a settlement.
No lawyers; just working it out
in a reasonable fashion-- two concerned
Where's the other concerned parent? Marty-
he is my son, too. -Yeah, you just
figure that shit out after eight, nine years?
Yeah, you fucking crackhead. Why don't you
the pipe out of your mouth? Figure that out.
Do you... do you see what I'm dealing with here?
O-o-okay. Such anger.
Uh, Ms. Talbot,
you requested this mediation.
Why don't you go first and...
Equal time. I want equal time.
Oh, a 50-50 split. No. Not gonna happen.
We're not going to have him living out of a
while he's shuttling back and forth between my
and fucking Cruella de Vil's mansion.
Uh-uh, not split weeks; I want years.
Mr. Kaan has had Roscoe for five years.
I want Roscoe for five years.
Uh, that's a... a little different than...
what we had discussed. -I don't care.
You're not even here half the time.
Oh, I've also requested
a long-term engagement here in Los Angeles.
You can write that.
I'm actually going to be home more than you.
Yeah, well, you're still going to be you.
You know, narcissistic,
fucking burnout, pill-popping...
Oh, again with the drug...
Don't write that down. It... you know what?
I am addicted to many things, but drugs is not
one of them.
Are you fucking kidding me right now?
How's O'Henry'? -Henry'? Uh, who's Henry?
O'Henry. It's my dick.
And her foot is rubbing it right now.
You are very fucked-up.
You kind of like it.
Is-is... is it still there?
Uh, okay, well, then, uh
I think I'm going to, uh, leave the...
the two of you alone for a moment,
and, uh, I'll be... I'll be right... right back.
You can't win this thing.
I've made mistakes with Roscoe that I can't
but I still have time to fix it.
You know what it's like to grow up and miss your
You hear yourself?
You can't help it, Monica.
You can't fill that shit up. Maybe.
Do you remember when we found out that I was
I wanted this little boy, too.
Can we just stop being so serious?
Listen, uh, about last night--
Suzanne is kind of suspicious.
She thought she saw some lipstick on me,
so I kind of told her that I was working late
with you and you accidently
brushed up against me, so...
Jesus, I suck at fornicating.
The dick is closed for business.
They're ready to go over
your light cues for Sunday morning.
Righty, honey. I'll...
Uh, this is...
Bye. Bye, Jeannie.
I've asked around about you, and you...
were a little fast in the panties back in the day.
Hmm? So... l guess I'll let you
prep for tomorrow, yeah?
Oh, the board can be
a prickly bunch, but I'm sure
it'll all go according to God's plan.
Yeah, I, uh...
thought I was going to have time to come back,
but I just had to go right into the mediation.
Yeah, I'm at the airport now.
Yeah, I love you, too.
I'll call you when I get there.
Hey, you guys are getting serious, huh'?
It's such bullshit.
This is your "save a ho" mode.
I've seen it before,
and trust me, it never ends well.
Yeah, well, you're right.
Damaged and unfixable--
that used to be my type.
But where did it get me?
Right here, right'?
Having empty sex
with a woman I never even should have married.
I love April.
Roscoe loves her, too,
and not just because he has to.
Uh, Mr. Kaan?
I got to catch a flight.
We were just looking for you.
We are ready if the board is.
Well, Jeannie, we have been thinking. Praying.
Yes, praying, and we just don't feel
that you and your team are just a good fit
for Shining Light.
Right, Thomas? -Yeah. You're right.
I had a feeling that you might say that.
Well, you can take the girl out of Spokane, but...
You're right about that. -Okay, so, uh,
we should just go'? Yeah, I think that's best.
I'll probably... I'm just going to...
And I'll explain to the board about your absence,
and I'll make it discreet.
You are a blessing. -Ah.
Well, we're ready if you're ready for the
Um, actually we're, uh, we're leaving.
What are you talking about?
Some things happened while you were away.
And I messed up.
So let's go.
Yeah, let's go. -Let's hit it.
Wait a minute. What are we going to do about
Nick Peterman, though?
What are you talking about?
Nick Peterman of Peterman Media.
We need to be careful.
Since he is one of Galweather's biggest clients.
He's already agreed to fly into Spokane.
I don't know how much time we have.
I guess we just should promise to partner him
with another client.
Oh, this would have been such a great marriage,
I know. So...
your firm handles Peterman Media? -Mm-hmm.
Yeah, they were interested
in getting into faith-based content, so I pitched
a partnership with Shining Light.
He was very excited. -Oh.
We started talking about
TV ministry, books, reality TV and this and that.
He thinks you guys are going to be the next
Jeannie, this is a done deal. Let's...
Listen, I do want to say before we leave, I really
And I'm sorry for her as well. -You know what?
If Nick is flying in right now,
we can take a meeting with him.
Take that long. We can...
Probably couldn't hurt.
Yeah. -Yeah. Let's do it.
Yeah, let's do it, guys.
Nick, thanks again for flying in.
I think Shining Light is the perfect investment.
And I will be your primary.
Yes, me, too.
Okay. Yeah, I'm glad we could we make the
All right. Okay, bye.
You are really good at your job.
That is because my job
requires me to lie, Mom.
Something I perfected a long time ago, right'?
I never asked you to lie, Jeannie.
You did. You did.
And you still want to keep doing it.
But I... can't.
I didn't break up with Wes.
The wedding is in two months
and I didn't tell you because
I don't want us to do the whole "Why isn't Daddy
that we've been doing for the last 16 years.
We have to lie and pretend
about every goddamn thing.
About how he hurt you.
About how he hurt me...
when he left.
But people talk, Mom.
People fucking know that Daddy wasn't at work
And no matter how many pageants you made
people still knew, okay?
We were still the same fucking family.
And I am done pretending. I'm done.
But you keep going, okay?
You have a blast.
Nobody's here but me.
So where's the old man?
Jeremiah is with your son.
Roscoe has dance.
Everybody knows Roscoe has dance.
Oh, aren't you the happy little homemaker.
What can I do for you, Monica?
Well, I think you've heard some bad things about
And some of them might be true.
I'm not perfect.
But then neither are you, though, right'?
Yeah, Marty ran a hypothetical past a friend of
GHB can be tricky.
I don't like to be fucked with, Monica.
I bite, too.
Well, I want to be friends. I'm here to be friends.
I want to be a good mom
And I realize that you're here to stay.
That's right. I am staying here.
And I knew it when I heard him tell you that he
And now that I know how serious the both of you
I will respect the fact
that your place is here with my husband.
I'd lose that habit, Monica.
Whoo. Marty always did love 'em feisty.
Now believe me, from here on out, hands off
Yesterday was just a mistake.
great job on Shining Light.
Are you proud of me?
Hey, come here.
Of course I'm proud of you.
Now I know why I hate church.
How was mediation?
Monica actually thinks she has a shot of getting
Hmm. So you decided to fuck some sense into
I got to say, Marty, you called it.
You said she wanted to fuck you in mediation,
so you were right.
April, stop, please.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Let me... let me sit back
and hear some of that Marty Kaan spin.
Go on, sell me.
Fucking sell me, Marty.
No? Nothing? I'll go for you.
My name is Marty Kaan.
And everything you thought you knew about me,
I am smarter than you, and I will make you need
And then I'll show you how
I am completely incapable of being loyal
to anything or anyone but myself.
I'll blow the fucking shit out of any goddamn
that could ever be good for me in my life.
What happened to the girl who's, like,
here's my friend in Tampa
and I want you to have...'?
You're in the middle of a custody battle
and she's trying to take your son from you.
Who, by the way, deserves way better than the
two of you.
And in the middle of that,
your dick got hard.
Who does that?!
Me! I'm fucked up!
I hate myself
because I knew who you were...
and I still fucking fell for your shit.
I guess that's 'cause I'm fucked up, too, right
We all know that, I'm fucked up.
You know what, you're more fucked up
and you are way too fucked up for me. -April,
Please, please, please don't, just don't...
Were you inside of her when you told me you
Okay, so don't speak to my son on the way out.
Leave my key on the counter.
Marty fucking Kaan.