HouseBroken (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Who's Nocturnal? - full transcript

I love summertime!

Oh, honey, you got
to get in on this.

I mean, if we're doing
stupid couple things,

I guess... oh!

Whoo!

- Right?
- Whoo!

- Whoo-hoo!
- Hoo-hoo-hoo!

I hate to be that possum,

But could you guys keep it down?

Trying to get
these dirt dumplings to sleep.

- Oh, hey, possum.
- How you doing?



Ugh, you know kids.

Cayden won't eat spiders,
brayden only eats spiders,

And jayden's just an idiot.

It's exhausting.

If you need a night off,

We could babysit
those ugly little dudes.

Chief, we wouldn't
want to impose.

please, we insist.

I insist that we not insist.

I might take
you guys up on that.

Life's been hard
since my mate was run over

By that electric scooter...

- Oh, my god!
- Why is life so unfair?

He's talking about the sprinkler



Shutting off, isn't he?

'fraid so.

no!

Ahh.

Hey, who put itching powder
in my sleeping bag?

Ahh, honey!

I've got a giant tick!

- That's not a tick.
- It's a baby possum.

It's all six babies.

Papa possum obviously
took you up on your offer.

I didn't mean tonight.

I meant, wait a few months
and forget we ever talked.

Doesn't he know how favors work?

Well, now we
don't have a choice.

These motherless little cretins
with ghoulish eyes

And no fur on their weird
scaly tails need us.

Aw, you're right.

Anyway, I think tonight's
your night with the kids.

You're always like,
"we can do this.

"we would love to help.

We will be there
with bells on."

But "we" really means me!

- What?
- When has that ever happened?

"of course, raccoon,

We'd love to see
your one mammal show!"

All those years trying
to be good enough,

But I was never gonna be
good enough, was I, old man?

No, you're soft!

Oh, where's chief?

- You got this, honey.
- Improvise.

Oh, he never had any intention
of coming.

I was waiting until he was
out of previews.

You're the one
who gets us into trouble.

I'm the one who gets us out.

Unless you'd like to step up

And take responsibility
for this one.

- Nah, you got this.
- Good night.

Snore, snore, snore.

It just feels like
all the cats in my house

Have a thing, you know?

The athletic one's athletic,
the mashed potato one

Loves '50s dance crazes.

- I'm just the gray one?
- Shh, shh, shh.

Yeah, you're right.

Who do I think I am,
the interesting one?

Keep your voice down, gray one.

I just finally got
these monsters to sleep.

Balancing work and one day
of childcare is not easy.

Sorry I'm late, everyone.

what is that smell?

There's a massive turd
on your shell, shel!

- What?
- Again?

Ew, you poop on your own back?

Let's not kink shame.

- I didn't do it.
- You see,

in summer, I like to sleep

Beneath the starry sky

To soak up erotic energy
from the cosmos.

But recently,

Some fecal felon has turned me
into his upside-down bedpan.

And that garden gnome just
stands there and does nothing.

What good is that creep
if he's not watching my back?

I think we all know
who's responsible for this,

A nocturnal!

Ugh, nocturnal animals

Are what
the day scrapes off its shoe

When it goes to bed at night.

You guys know
I'm nocturnal, right?

- Absolutely.
- You're terrifying.

Uh, which animals
are nocturnal again?

Skunks, bats...

- Jared leto.
- Owls...

Owls?

Good night, grandpa.

When I'm close to you,
nothing bad can ever happen.

ahh!

How about a good night kiss
for grandpa?

Ahh!

Ahh!

Nocturnals are monsters!

They're monsters, I say!

Well, let's not let one bad
owl spoil the whole bunch.

Just because the nocturnal
world is different

Doesn't mean it's bad.

I mean, look at
my precious little nightmares.

Aww!

Totes adorbs yawns
will not sway me.

Those nocturnals are all
vicious bowel hounds.

But what's a tilf like me to do?

Vigilante justice!

I say we stay up all night
and catch this poop-etrator

In the act and make them pay!

It's more my style
to put up with it

And then settle my score
with a scathing memoir.

I can't believe he's pushing
back on this stopping someone

From pooping on him idea.

Considering none
of my enemies can read,

We'll give your way a try.

Whee!

We're going on a stakeout!

Did someone leave a steak out?

No?

Aww, all right.

Is that bum truffle spoken for?

Oh my, look who's up.

Well, good morning...
Or good evening.

Precious little opposites.

ow, ow, ow!

Time out, time out!
No, it's me.

It's aunt honey.
Son of a...

Who is that?

It's a shell decoy I made
from an upside-down tostada!

We just hide behind here,
and we catch them in the act.

- This tostada tortoise...
- Or tor-stada if you will...

I won't.

It lacks
my authentic sex appeal.

It would never be mistaken
for the real me.

Not tonight, shel.

I'm exhausted.

Trust me,
this bm bandit will be back.

And when we catch him,
we're gonna rip...

are you sleeping?

Ah, ah... oh.

Ugh.

A little pee-pee
then back to sleepy.

Oh, no.
I'm locked out!

Here lies diablo,
eaten by an owl?

How come I can only read
in my nightmares?

- Kiss me!
- Ahh!

And eventually, we will have
danced out all our sillies.

Keep dancing.

I'm just gonna rest my eyes
for one quick second.

Auntie honey's watching.

Nice moves, jayden.

That's it.

Wait, what!

How long was that blink?

Sweeties, smushies!

Hideous night creatures?

Did I just lose them?

Is this what failure feels like?

Oh, poor chief.

Where are you,
wretched little darlings?

Honey?

I closed my eyes for one second,

And now the babies are gone.

how could you?

Did you consider how poorly
this might reflect on me?

What?

I promised papa possum

That we would take care
of his kids!

Guess it's time
for chief to clean up

Honey's mess for once.

Chief, nothing
would make me happier,

But cleaning up messes
isn't really your brand.

Yeah, my brand is bad boy chic

But I can diversify.
I'll find them.

You couldn't find your own tail.

It's right...

Oh, hey, man.

Okay, shel.

This guy will have something
to put some pep in your step.

Well, if you don't
have insurance,

You can just pay me in lint.

All I've got is
this creepy doll's head.

Deal.

Next.

Listen, my partner
here needs some help

In the stamina department.

Suffering from a bit
of e-reptile dysfunction?

Oh, of course not.

let's put a pin in that.

I'll come back tomorrow.

We need him
to stay awake all night.

Well, drawing on my wealth
of medical expertise,

I'd say...

Oh, that's a good one.

Oh, here!

Uh, what the hell is this?

My current side hustle
is big pharma.

Welcome to nite aid.

Okay, I just need some
guidance from a nocturnal.

This isn't an information booth.

Buy something or get out.

Nibbles!

Will you please help me
find those baby possums?

No, shel and I are
vengeance seeking missiles,

And nothing's gonna
knock us off course!

There is a vacant house
that's recently

Been overtaken by possums.

Look, I'm as liberal
as the next dog,

But when you vote for prop 625,
that's what you get.

But take me there.

You're fine, just ignore it.

Nibbles, I've got to say,

I'm more
than a little disappointed

In this so-called energy pill.

Give me another.

No, give me all of them.

I'm starting
to think that raccoon

Is not really a pharma...

Ooh!

Wha-ha!

We meet again, mega-shel!

Mothra.

See you in shell!

roar!

Out of my way, fence!

That's what you get
for standing in his way, bitch!

Okay, let's see.

Skunk house,
bat house, meth house...

Bingo!
Possum house.

Hi, I'm looking
for some missing possum babies.

It's okay.
I'm a therapist.

Are there any in here
that you don't recognize?

- We ain't possums, poodle.
- We're opossums.

But I guess we're all the same
to you day critters.

- No, no, I'm cool.
- I have a hamster friend.

You think I don't
know my own kids,

Just 'cause I got 30 or 40
of them?

That's it.

Kids, we're having dog
for dinner tonight.

Whoa, whoa, hold on!

Sorry about my friend.

House pets can be
such karens, right?

I'm the gray one.

I live just up the street
in the overtaken by cats house.

Hey, what's the story
with your human?

Legally insane but lovely.

- Yours?
- We ate him.

That is the dream.

The poodle's with me.
You can trust her.

Thanks, gray one.

I'm just worried
about the possum babies.

If I don't find them,
it'll make it a lot harder

To condescend to my partner.

I'd check out
the beefy burgers fun time

Happy clown fun zone for kids.

- Thank you.
- Sorry for the mix-up.

And I'm sorry
for threatening to feed

Your friend to my family.

Oh, so I guess we'll feed
the kids your good deeds

For dinner tonight.

You remember how you
told me to remind you

When you're being
like your mother?

Well, you're being
like your mother!

Babies!

Babies!

If you come back, you can
sleep in my big comfy bed!

Raid the fridge!
Help me topple the matriarchy!

big comfy bed?

Food?
Follow my lead.

Hey, it's us, the babies!

Yeah, babies!

Ya-ga-goo-goo.

Oh!

You are the babies!

I did it!

But let's try to be sensitive
when I rub honey's smug,

Responsible nose in it.

Hey real quick,
what species are we again?

- Possums!
- Oh, yeah, yeah, we knew that.

Real marsupial-like.

Di-eureka!

It's public enemy number two!

Step away from the tostada.

mario kart me!

ah!

No, I didn't do anything.

I was just hungry.
I'm a foodie.

Good!

So you'll enjoy it
when I feed you your own ass!

Whoa, shel!

Listen, my partner's
apparently a real loose cannon,

So why not make this easy
and admit

That you're
the dookie delinquent

Who dumped on his shell?

- What?
- No, it couldn't have been me.

I just make little pellets.

They'd roll right
off that shell of yours.

- Checks out.
- Might have to let him go.

Oh, my god.
I'm good cop?

You tell all
your day sleeper creeper pals,

There's a new sheriff in town...

And he's done a lot of drugs!

Wow, this place is hopping.

Rodents, raccoons, roaches...

Everything their burgers
are probably made of.

Ooh, let's search the ball pit.

Kids love those.

Uh, babies?

do you hear those sounds?

Uh, babies?

Not yet, but we're making them.

No, everyone
in here is procreating!

Licks,
get your psychotropic licks.

Oh good, a local businessman.

- Sir, sir?
- Nice try, narc.

Uh, I got this.

Hey, cane!

You haven't seen six possum
babies in here, have you?

Hm, follow me.

hard pass, sir.

So you know where
the babies are?

No, but I know who would know...

The night knight.

The night night?

Yeah, the second
knight is with a k.

He's the king of the nocturnals.

When the sun goes down,
the night knight

Runs everything...
The sewers, the dumpsters,

This sex-positive play pit.

Those possums of yours?
They're working for him now.

But they're just
innocent little babies.

If anything happened to them,
I wouldn't be able

To live with myself.

At home, with chief
rubbing it in my face.

We have to find them!

- Honey.
- Diablo?

What are you doing out here
all by yourself?

I got locked out of my house.

I'm terrified!
Tell me I'm overreacting!

- I can't.
- You're exactly right reacting.

I've seen things tonight...
Horrible things.

But as long
as we stick together,

Nothing can harm us.

ahh!

Honey, you just said...

- I know!
- I was wrong!

I hope you're happy!

- Excuse me, miss?
- I got a quick pitch.

You can take it or leave it.

What if you didn't eat me?

- Silence!
- Enjoy this flight.

It'll be the last for you.

Well, these are
your final moments, diablo.

You better take it all in.

Wow!

The night doesn't seem
as scary from up here.

It's beautiful!

The moonlight dancing
on the above-ground jacuzzis

As the stars flicker like
a million smartphones

On the fritz!

Are you a poet?

I dabble.

Miss owl, can we keep
flying for a little bit?

Very well.

Before you are consumed,

Let us breathe
in the beauty of the night.

Oh there's chief...

With what even from up here are
clearly a bunch of old rats!

Oh, and there's jared leto!

Oh, what are
those little guys doing?

And that one, and that one?

Why are there
so many little possums

Going through the trash?

shel, I'm losing steam.

Really?

I'm still amped from threatening

That flying squirrel.

I want to learn how
to roller skate.

Have you ever chewed gum?

Do I have horns?

That's them.

They're the ones that wouldn't
let me eat that tor-stada!

Well, well, new sheriff.

We got your message.

Hey, back off of the turtle!

Oh, brought in
your day critter goons, huh?

Creepy creatures with...

You guys are the creepy ones!

Honey's gross
generalizations are right.

Day versus night
fight to the death!

The drugs are wearing off!

Day versus night cuddle puddle?

uhh! Stop, we haven't
established a safe word!

- Honey!
- Gray one!

Other friends!
Whoo!

- Diablo!
- Oh, you're okay!

Let's rip that owl's throat out!

No, no, no,
this owl is my friend!

We had a beautiful
night together.

- I saw two badgers find love.
- I sang a duet.

I learned our city has
a major possum problem.

- Possums?
- Yeah, they were everywhere.

Well, not everywhere.

Mainly dumpsters pilfering
discarded pharmaceuticals.

Damn this opioid epidemic!

Pharmaceuticals?

That means they must
be working for...

Raccoon!
Raccoon is the night knight!

- I was right there with you...
- Maybe slightly before.

So he's got the babies!

Are you talking
about possum sextuplets?

Yeah, we've been looking
for them all night.

Hey!

If you day critters are trying
to help those night babies,

Then maybe we shouldn't
disembowel you.

And if a friendship can form
between an owl and a dog...

- Dog?
- Well, that can't be right.

Then maybe we can
all work together

And save those babies!

- Yeah!
- Now let's move out!

- Target locked in!
- Go, go, go!

Ooh, sounds like
my little drug runners got

More pills
for papa night knight...

Dang it!

Pretty tidy confession there.

How could you use
these repulsive little cherubs

As drug smugglers?

Okay, first off,
check your dog privilege.

Not every creature gets
to live in a cushy house.

I was teaching them
survival skills...

Plus sextupling my inventory.

Huh, never would have
thought of it that way.

We creatures, night and day,
must never judge

That which we don't understand.

Wow, nibbles,
that was oddly rational.

Ugh, I know.

Hanging out with shel
is really bringing out

The best in me.

Oh, honey!

I found the babies!

Ha-ha!

Did not see this coming,
did you, honey?

Did you?

Did you?
Respectfully.

No, this is a real surprise.

I did not expect you
to come back with four rats.

In your f... rats?

Jig's up, boy-os.

Let's am-scray.

- What?
- How did I not see that?

you were right, honey.

You're the responsible one,
and I'm the eye candy.

Chief.

After a night of losing
the possum babies

To an underground
pharmaceutical crime syndicate

And enduring several
other disgusting surprises,

Including the gray one
being helpful...

Maybe I should change my name
to the helpful one!

Do whatever you want.

The point is, chief,
you being consistently you

Is just what I needed.

thank you.

Was that fecal matter landing...

On top of the tor-stada?

I was right there with you,
maybe slightly before.

- Possum?
- Honey, chief!

Thank you so much
for watching the kids.

It was our pleasure.

They were grotesquely adorable.

Nothing at all like old rats.

Why were you pooping
on that innocent tor-stada?

I can explain.

Usually, my only me time is
right at the end of the night

When I finally put the kids down

And get to take a satisfying
dump on this turtle statue.

Newsflash, pal!

You haven't been
plop dropping on a statue!

You've been squirting nuggets
on my partner!

Hey, my rage is back!

Easy, partner,
I'll try this my way.

If I'm picking up what
you're laying down,

This is your weird thing
that sounds disgusting

But gives you pleasure?

- You totally get me.
- I do, possum brother.

You know what?
I'll see you tomorrow night.

Go to town.

Ahh!

Do we need batteries?

Well, why would
we need batteries?

I don't know.

I thought you said
we needed batteries.

I just have this one thing.

Did you bring
your nite aid card?

Oh... Did I?

Can I give you a number instead?

I guess.

Um, four...

Does anyone else work here?