HouseBroken (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Who's Married? - full transcript

kevin, kevin, kevin,
kevin, kevin, kevin.

kevin, kevin, kevin.

Oh, edith, it's just you.

That's weird.

Where's the pile
of paper plates in the sink?

And crusty laundry mountain?

And why is the toilet flushed?

what is happening?

Where did all your fur go?

And he keeps telling me
that Friday

Is going to be
the most important day



Of our lives.
What does it all mean?

- Buddy, the flowers?
- The clean apartment?

The shaved rub-a-dub?

Bit soon for a recap.

It's yours and kevin's
anniversary.

Oh, my gosh, you're right.

It probably has been
however long a year is

Since dana left me at kevin's

And kevin was too spiteful
to return me to her.

What do I get him?
I always forget,

Is one year paper or a dead rat?

Blech. All cats know
rat is apology gift.

Birds are anniversary gift.

But what kind of bird?



It has to be perfect.

Tabitha, you like to shop.

Maybe you could help chico
find a bird.

I can catch a bird on my own.

I just have to find the hive
and take out the queen.

Ugh, this is going to be
disaster

Of the most boring proportions,

But I will allow you
to be helped by me.

I find bird, you kill it.

Limited time offer.

Take the deal! Take it!

Ugh, I'd kill to keep my kevin.

- No. Kevin is mine.
- You can't have him.

- No, no, no, no.
- My special someone.

Her name is sophie b.

A tween angel from my classroom

Who only eats her boogers
when she's stressed.

She took me home
for the long weekend

And it's been amazing.

I gotta get you nice and clean

For your date to the ball.

- I'm going to ball?
- And I have a date?

- Ta-da.
- Holy cow!

But it's all gonna end tomorrow

When she takes me
back to school.

And that means one thing,
loneliness.

If you're so lonely,

Why do you keep eating
your mates' faces?

- Because I'm complicated.
- That's why I'm here.

I just don't want my time
with sophie b. To end.

Well, I can't believe
I'm saying this,

But longer isn't always better.

Mine and darla's river
of liquid love has run dry.

'tis better to have
short-lived passion

Than watch your romance
grow old and wither.

Cherish it
while it's still moist.

- Don't listen to him.
- Romance doesn't have to wither.

Chief and I have been married
for six years.

And aside from the one time
I ran away with a coyote and...

Okay, wait,
you think you're married?

I don't think we're married.

I know we're married. See?

By that logic,
you're also batman and robin.

Just because jill dressed you up

In that unflattering
flammable costume,

Doesn't mean
you have to limit yourself

To that failed human construct.

We're not limiting ourselves.

You know my motto, "no limits."

What else would we be doing?

Playing with other dogs.

Or tortoises. Think about it.

We've played with other dogs,

But we prefer
playing with each other.

Because you think you have to.

But now you can play
with other dogs

And don't have to pretend
you prefer to play with chief

Or he with you.

I'll just let that sit there.

Okay, everyone out.

so what do you think?

Well, it's a lot to process.

We're not batman and robin?

No, the other part.

What do you think
about not behaving

Like we're married?

Would you wanna play
with other dogs,

Take ol' honey-bee
out of the equation?

- Who's ol' honey-bee?
- Me.

Look, does that sound
like something

- You'd wanna do?
- I don't know.

Is it something you'd wanna do?

Well, it's not not something

I wouldn't not think about
not doing.

- Same.
- Oh.

So we're on the same page.

No limits.

Hello, boring cat.

Sorry I'm late.
I did not want to come earlier.

- Over here.
- Oh.

- Hello, boring cat.
- Shh-shh-shh.

I found the perfect bird
for kevin.

- Ugh, no.
- Pigeons are first-thought.

Wow, that was my first thought.

- You're good at this.
- I am good at everything.

Especially montages. Hit it!

Aah!

Well, here we are.

We're off-leash, baby.

now that we're not married,

I finish all my statements
with "baby."

- Baby.
- Okay, so how do we start?

Just pick a dog
you want to play with

And have more fun
than you've ever had with me.

Well, that'll be easy.

- Hey there.
- I see you're all by yourself.

Dog parks, huh?

Uh-huh.

- Great job, honey.
- "dog parks, huh?"

- Idiot.
- Right-o, right-o, right-o.

Hey, don't worry about her, man.

A rejection is just someone
not wantin' to be with you.

They call me flapjack. May I?

Sure. But just so you know,
I'm out of practice.

You don't smell out of practice.

Wow.

I don't know about all that.

I did take a bath
two months ago.

- Uh, may I?
- You wanna sniff it,

You gotta catch it.
Chase me.

Bye, bitch. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

- Dude, make a move.
- I'm a sure thing.

Sophie, we're gonna be late
for school.

Go get that gerbil!

oh, no. Already?

I can't go back there.

And I'm a hamster. Do better.

Mom, I can't find nibbles!

But we can't say we lost her.

Just stop at the pet store
and get a replacement.

Yes!

- Good idea.
- They all look alike.

Wow.

And then we played tug-of-war.

And we wrestled.

And there was this whole thing
with a ball.

And, I mean, I've chased before,

But I've never played
chase before.

But, okay, I've been going
on and on.

Did you meet anyone?

Actually, I met this awesome dog

And maybe had
even more fun than you did.

Okay, it's not a competition.

The important thing
is that we had

Our own separate
wonderful experiences

With two completely
different dogs.

Right-o, right-o, right-o.

Did somebody order
a stack o' jack?

flapjack!
You know flapjack?

That's the dog
I was telling you about.

That's the dog
you were telling me about?

Yes!

Oh, no.

Surprise!

You two were having
so much fun at the park

With this little guy,
I figured one more dog

Might fill the void in my soul.

I didn't realize
you two knew each other.

This is kind of weird
that we both played with you

And had no idea.

And now all three of us
are together... Baby.

So how does this work?

Do we take turns
playing with him?

Which one of us
pees on ourself submissively

In a situation like this?

Guys, we don't need to have
our separate fun.

This order of flapjack
is for the table.

switch.

Yeah.

Aah!

- Whoa.
- Whoo-hoo.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Mama, it happened again!

Okay, here we go. Day two.

Have you lost weight?

Oh. Well, you look terrible.

Did you sleep last night?

only for ten hours.

I was tossing and turning
all night.

Even if we do find
the right bird,

I still have to catch it.

It's not gonna just volunteer
to die.

I volunteer to die.

What? Why?

Ever since my one true love

Was ripped from my wings,

I don't want to be
alive anymore.

You heard him.

Chomp down on that dirty bird.

- Aah!
- Laundry, laundry, laundry.

All I do is laundry.

I used to be a city planner.

aah! Oh, my god.
It's that gross gerbil.

Gross hamster!

Aah! Ew, ew.

Oh, god.

Ha, ha. I'm never going
back to that school.

Later, loser.

Oh, nuts.

Ooh, I am boring cat.

I say I want to kill bird,

But then I do not kill bird

Even though bird
want me to kill bird.

That is chico.
That's why I do voice.

Tabitha's chico
makes some good points.

How are we still talking
about this?

It's a bird. Kill it.

Right-o, right-o, right-o.

Aren't we all
just sniffin' along

On our own journeys here?

What?

Maybe if you didn't ask
so many questions,

You wouldn't need
so many answers.

Okay, well,
I think we should show

The bird some grace.

I mean, who are we to decide

Who lives and dies, right, stan?

Woe! My heart rend in two,
I long for mercy,

A swift death,

For it is in the quietude

Of the everlasting slumber...

Oh, my god, I take it back.

Kill the winged rat. Do it now.

Look, just because
you lost your love

Doesn't mean you should give up
on life.

Kevin and I thought
we were in love with dana

Until she broke both our hearts.

And now look at us.

One year later
and happier than ever.

I found my kevin.
You can too.

Ahh... Serum of truth

Hitting my ear's taste buds.

I've heard enough.

I shall live
and acquire a new love.

Why, there's one now.

I'm coming to you, beloved.

Yeah!

And the crazy carousel
of life continues.

Was jill painting

In an unventilated room
with you again?

No, no, no.

no, it's just the new dog

Chief and I are playin' with,
flapjack.

His name's flapjack.

Flap-jack.

- Wait, wait, wait.
- The flapjack?

They say there's no flap
he can't jack.

As someone who's danced
the three-legged tango,

I'm not sure
a couple of vanillas

Like you and chief know
how to travel that rocky road.

Please.

Chief and I have never been
more simpatico.

We're just havin'
some innocent fun.

So much fun, in fact,
that I'm reminded

How little fun
I'm having right now.

Honey-bee gotta fly like a bird.

But not that bird.

Too soon. No, I dig it.

Well, what are we gonna do?

We can't bring it
back to the school now.

We already gave them
that other one.

Ethan's right.

Just take me back to sophie.

She's my destiny!

Karma!

What up, dawgz,
with an unconventional z?

We've had a three-dog day,

What say we have
a three-dog night?

That's what's up
if you two are down.

Well, uh, these ears
ain't gonna lick themselves.

Uh, is this what's up?

I just thought we were gonna
chew on a slipper.

But I'm game if you're game.
Are you game?

Well, I want to if you want to.

Well, I don't not want to,

If you don't want to
not want to.

If you want not...

Right-o, right-o, right-o then.

Everyone wants to.

Let flapjack be your guide.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Somebody order a stack of jack?

Everyone wants one.

Right-o, right-o, right-o.

So it looked like
you were having fun last night.

Well, it looked like
you were having fun.

- Oh.
- I'm surprised you noticed.

You were so deep
in flapjack's ear.

Well, I was just
in there looking for you.

Really?

Because it seemed like
you were having

A lot of fun with flapjack...

Like more fun
than you ever had with me.

Wasn't that the whole point?

You told me to have fun
without you.

But then I had more fun
without you with you,

So what's the problem?

The problem is,
is that I wanted you

To say that
you couldn't possibly

Have more fun without me.

But you didn't,
and now we're in a thruppie!

I thought
that's what you wanted!

That's the last thing I wanted.

Well, how was I
supposed to know that?

I can't read your butt!

Oh.

You're not from
around here, are you?

You saved my life.

Thank you. I'm nibbles.

Illinois james.

are you my new special someone?

Probably. Let's ride.

Whoa!

Chief, I'm sorry.

Elsa got in my head
and made me question

How we define our relationship.

Are we married?
Are we not married?

And if we aren't,
what does that mean?

Will we still be buried
next to each other

In the backyard when we die?

Also, what is death?

I just wanna move forward,
but I don't know how.

Me too.

Are you also stuck in the wall?

No, I'm-I'm talking
about our relationship.

But have you tried
going backwards?

Yes!

I do want to go backwards
to the way we were,

The dynamic duo...

Fighting crime
and looking great in tights.

Yeah, I was actually talking
about the wall this time.

ow!

So what does this mean?
Are we married?

I don't know,
but we're a pack of two.

And we were happily each
other's favorite playmate

Until I created a problem.

And now that problem lives here
and expertly licks our ears.

- Don't worry, babe.
- I'll get rid of him.

Flapjack.

Honey's got something
to tell you.

I'm sorry,
but this isn't working out.

You're right,
oh, right-o, right-o.

Well, lucky for you,
I know just how to fix it.

Problem was,
you only had one flapjack.

What you needed
was a whole stack.

Bunch of random dogs
convening in the backyard,

Licking ears,
it's a regular thing...

Not weird at all.

- Holy earholes, batman.
- How do we fix this?

Well, robin,
there's only one way

To scare off these horndogs.

- What the hell was that?
- No idea.

To the shel cave!

Thank you for your sacrifice.

oh, he's here.

I can't wait for kevin
to realize I'm worth loving.

- Hide.
- Oh, kevin.

Oh, you're so hot.
You're so hot.

Dana?

Isn't this romantic, babe?

Us getting back together
on our anniversary?

Shh, don't ruin it.

All this anniversary stuff
was for dana?

It was never about me.

Ooh, plot twist.

Thank god.

- Where am I?
- What's going on?

Oh, my god, stan's alive?

kevin!

Kevin, get it out!
Get it out, kevin!

What the hell is that?
Oh, my god, oh, my god!

It got in my hair!
Do something!

Oh! Oh, my god!

- Ah! Get it! Get it! Get it!
- Ugh.

My psychic told me you'd never
defend me against a bird.

That is a good psychic.

Second chance
at life... here I come!

Ugh. I ruined everything.

You got him
the perfect gift, chico.

Sending boho bitch packing,
ultimate twist.

You're right, tabitha.

you know what, dude?

We're better off without her.

Thanks, buddy.

Not a total waste of day.

Happy ending
for overweight traffic cone,

And bird is finally dead.

This iceberg lettuce
is delicious.

Do you... do you want a bite?
Or...

I'm having the same thing.

Ugh!

I can't do this.
I'm eating in my room tonight.

Knock, knock.

Shel, we have company.

Oh, thank god.

Shel, darla, what if I told you

I could spice up
your old, withered sex life?

Unless you're offering
to reignite our passion

With a backyard packed with
horny dogs who can bear witness

To a dual tortoise
taboo-busting erotic carnival,

Then we're not interested.

I guess I'm about to embark

On the greatest adventure
of all...

Falling in love with you.

Oh, illinois.

- Ah!
- Sorry!

I'm complicated!

- Hawks!
- Why'd it have to be hawks?

I guess this is my destiny,
to live alone in a cage

At an underperforming
elementary school.

Oh. You must be my replacement.

I'm 2.0, ho.

They worked out the bugs.

Ooh, spicy.

Maybe you're my new
special someone.

She's going for the face!

Oh, my god, there's two of them.

We can't keep them both.

- I'll take nibbles!
- We have a special bond.

It's happening.

I'm finally getting my original
special someone back!

It's my destiny.

No!

I'm the real nibbles! Take me!

I'm glad I urinated
in your sock drawer!

Hey, honey bunches of love
and chief.

Hope you don't mind we started
the party without you.

No, not at all.

We actually brought friends.

- Right-o.
- Add them to the stack.

Come on, darla.

Let's teach these doggies
how to do it tortoise style.

Show no mercy.

What's happening?

Choo-choo, shel.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

- Woo-hoo-hoo!
- Ooh!

My eyes!

Spin me.

Oh, well, that ain't right.

Oh, shel and darla are back!

- That was disgusting.
- So gross!

Why do I always end up
in the splash zone?

Well, folks,
this jack has been flapped.

I think I'm gonna
go away for a while.

Chief, he's gone. We did it!

And they're still doing it.

- We might have to move.
- Chupacabra!

I know we rescued him,

But it feels like he rescued us.

I know. You keep saying that.

Oh, look at him
having a sweet dream.

He's probably
running in a meadow

Or frolicking on the seashore.

Come join us, tortoise style.

Munch on my lettuce.

No, no.

Help me. Someone help me!

Should we wake him up?

No. Let him sleep.

That's nice, jen and gabby.