HouseBroken (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Who's the Boss? - full transcript

OK, Chiefy. Want to play?

No, I want to answer
rhetorical questions all day.

Of course, I want to play.

Go get it.

Jill bought one
of those ball-chucking sticks

that humans invented

so they don't need
to touch our spit.

Really making the most
of those thumbs, humanity.

Ahh.

So glad Jill read that article
in "Dogs Weekly."

"Six Secrets
to Mind-Blowing Fetch."



She is one of the good ones.

I mean, look at all
those other humans,

completely ignoring us,
waiting in line for 45 minutes

for the latest food fad.

Soft serve chili.

And they think
our spit is gross.

Yeah. And in the meantime,
it's anarchy in here.

I mean, what is this?
"Mad Max Furry Road?"

There does seem to be
a lot more hole-digging.

Hey, Elsa. Hi, Hon...

Oh! Oh, oh.

Ow, ow.

And don't get me started

on the poop-rolling.



- Now how do I smell?
- Terrible.

But is it terrible enough?

Next!

Suck it, Karen!

Yeah, it's a little out of hand,

but mostly just
regular dog stuff.

Incoming!

Great.

And now we have ourselves
a pile-on.

- Ahh!
- Oh, my God.

Is that Diablo?

Ahh!

Guys, guys,
isn't there some other way

you can express affection?

OK. Time to bust some heads.

No, no. Let me handle it.

The dogs here all love

my groovy stepmom
leadership style.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, home slices.

Why don't we turn this
pile-on into a pile-off?

So who should let the dog out?

I hate groovy stepmoms.

You, you, you.

Definitely you, Bingo.

That's right.
I know your name-o.

So cringe.

You're losing them,
groovy stepmom.

Hmm.

Should I offer to buy them beer?

Wait a second.

You're saying this weasel
is a dog?

I am so sorry.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Thanks to my summer cut,
it happens all the time.

- Steve?
- Oh, me?

No, no. I'm not Steve.

- It's my cousin, Steve.
- Mm.

Nope, nope. I'm not...

Don't be a dick, Steve.

Classic Steve, such a dick.

Um, so I guess the takeaway here

is if it walks like a weasel

and talks like a weasel,
it's Diablo.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you like that?
Yeah, yeah. OK.

Oh, it's like knock, knock.

Who's there? It's Diablo.

Let me in to the weasel hotel.
Ooh.

Ha. Weasel hotel.

Stepmom has got her groove back.

OK. OK.

We get it. We get it.

All right, crazy kids.

We've had some good LOLs.

Now, get out of here
and have fun.

Yeah!

Hey, hey, Honey.

I know you were
just trying to help,

but you really kind
of hurt my feelings...

Ah, you're welcome, Diablo.

So Diablo's at the vet.

He found himself at the bottom
of a pretty rowdy dog pile

before I swooped that dupe.

Saved him.

- I saved him.
- Uh-oh.

Groovy stepmom is back.

Hide the hard seltzer!

Well, over at my house,
things are beyond rowdy.

It's the annual floor hockey
tournament,

and emotions are running high.

It's all just an excuse to riot.

Sounds brutal, my man.

You like brutal?

Depends on my mood.

Brett and Stelios have gone
out of town for a weekend,

and now I am in charge
of Kit Kat.

Oh, I've always
wanted to babysit.

Oh, it's not the babysitting.

It's rude teenage cat sitting.

As long as they're sitting.

Just because she is Brett
and Stelios' favorite,

she thinks
she can disrespect me,

asking what part of backyard
I want to be buried in,

replacing my kitty litter
with quicksand,

pulling pranks on me
while I sleep.

What?

Oh.

Oh, no.

Is everyone else's
dead frog a living cat?

Oh!

She coffee-mugged you? Ugh.

Young animals,
they need to learn

to respect our generation.

- Our generation?
- How old do you think I am?

Old enough to understand what
pleasures your body is truly...

- No.
- Shut up, prude.

- I was almost there.
- Wow.

Yeah, I should have pumped
the brakes on this a while ago.

We need to flush this fish
down the toilet

and buy a new one, stat!

Hey. Hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Ahh.

Why you flinching?

I'm in a cage.

Ahh.

Weasels.

- Oh.
- Will anyone ever respect me?

Is your dog always at
the bottom of the dog-pile?

Huh?

Well, what if I was to tell you

that there's a product
out there that can

make him feel
like an alpha male again?

Prosthetic testicles.

Meat Fauxnads.

Hey, I'm Grapes, your guide
dog to the Fauxnads lifestyle.

Yeah, yeah.
I can hear you already.

Whoa. But Grapes,

what kind of gonads
are we talking about here?

Well, they're standard brass,
titanium,

even 24 karat gold.

We got glow-in-the-dark, GPS,

even Bluetooth enabled

so you can pair your dog's pair.

- Hello?
- Hello? Leonard?

Mom, you'll never believe
where I'm talking to you from.

Yeah.

Bottom line, Fauxnads
is the most cutting-edge brand

in the pet prosthetic
giggleberry space.

And yes, canine testicular
implants are a real thing.

- Give it a Goog.
- I will.

Kit Kat, just kill the bird
already and go to bed!

Ugh, fine.

Nighty night, Tabitha.

Sweet dreams.

I'm not scared of you.

Tabs, my team won
the hockey tournament.

Weak premise for a booty call.

- No.
- The last five winning captains

were killed in their sleep,

so I need a place to lay low.

What? This is so unfair.

You're allowed to have
friends over, but I'm not?

OK, Meowsolini.

Kit Kat, go back to bed.

Stop calling me Kit Kat.

I only answer it to K-Wow,
Kit Stain,

or Suzan with a Z.

- OK, Kit Kat.
- Ugh.

I'm 1 and 1/2.

I'm old enough to party,
but you treat me

like a stupid kitten.

Who's your friend, and does
he want to watch me pee?

- What? No!
- Dork.

We have this cool new catio,

but grandma won't let me play
in it.

Ugh! Get euthanized!

Ugh. Teenagers.

- Want me to go talk to her?
- Safer not to.

She has a spooky
ability to sniff out

your deepest insecurities.

Oh, I think I can handle Suzan.

- Try me, virgin.
- What?

She's clearly out of control.

- We need to teach her a lesson.
- Agreed.

But we have to make it look
like a suicide.

What? No!

I mean let's scare her straight.

Show her exactly where that kind

of rebellious behavior
might lead.

Guess what.
You're staying here tonight.

I'm not doing anything
I don't want...

Hey!

Sleep tight.

Meow.

Well, thank you, diggity dogs,

for coming to this
pooch park pow wow.

Now, I like to get my fun on
as much as the next dog,

but we all have to ask ourselves

when should the fun be done?

Uh, never.

- That's where you're wrong.
- But don't worry.

I've come up with a few
cool rules that will...

We're out of here.

Hey, get your ass
back on the grass!

Well, that wasn't very groovy.

That's right, Cuddles.

You drove groovy stepmom away,

so say hello
to single working mom.

And she has had it up to here.

That's right she has.

This situation is unacceptable.

My bad. Oh, hey, Honey.

Damn it, Chief.

- I'm trying to discipline here.
- Ooh. Got to go.

Jill is really fetching
my brains out today.

As I was saying, the rules
are here to keep us safe.

- So repeat after me.
- Number one.

No recreational barking.

She can't hear you.

No recreational barking.

- Number two.
- No digging holes.

That's how snakes get in.

A hole near the fence
makes us defenseless.

Laugh at her witty wordplay.

So?

No digging holes.

How long is she going
to make us do this?

Somebody's got to have
the jujubes

to stand up to her.

Oh.

Boy-yo-yoing.

What's up, guys?

Notice any two things
different about me?

Two bits.

Diablo, I see you've had a
productive visit to the vet.

You could say that.

You could also say
he pimped my junk.

Ba-bam.

OK. OK.

We were just going
over the rules.

Well, that doesn't
sound very fun.

You said it, Big D.

All right. All right.

Elsa, what number are we on?

Elsa?

Elsa?

The only number I
can think of is two.

OK. Well, we're on three.

Big dogs stay out
of the little dog area.

Actually, you were
going over the rules,

but I'd kind of like to know

what Diablo thinks we should do.

- You do?
- Uh-huh.

- Mhm.
- Yeah.

- Oh yeah.
- I hear that.

Well, my opinion
is we ditch this bitch

and get out there and play.

You heard the dog.

Get out there and play.

- Woo-hoo!
- All right.

Elsa, what the hell?

I... I don't know what happened.

It's like Diablo's balls
completely took over my balls.

I mean balls... balls!

Well, Honey,
nobody said being a dog

pretending to be a working mom
was going to be easy.

How's this pressure for you?

Just keep doing
what you're doing.

Oh, yes.

A night in disgusting
lady's house most definitely

will have scared
Kit Kat straight.

I love the smell of vengeance
in the morning.

Oh, that's mostly urine.

Oh, Kit Kat, time for you
to beg me to take you home.

Oh, God.

Ah, ha-ha!

Time to fly.

- Oh, my God.
- She's slamming strips.

Oh, she's crazy.

- Kit Stain.
- OK.

You are coming home with me
right now.

Is this old cat bothering you?

She just thinks
I still live with her,

but this is my home now.

OK.

Now, catch me!

Kit Stain! Kit Stain!

- Kit Stain!
- Whee!

I cannot believe
she turned tables on me.

Just leave her there.

Turn that catio
into a grow room.

- And let her win?
- I don't think so.

Big D in the house,
and I'm not sorry I'm late.

We just wanted
to make an entrance.

- We?
- Yep.

Me and...

My jawbreakers.

- Ooh.
- Wow.

Those nuts are nuts.

Are they waterproof?

- Should we find out?
- Whoa.

Look who finally grew a pair.

- Bought a pair.
- They're fake.

Yeah. And there's no reason
that testicles

artificial or not should confer
power or affect our behavior.

And now I'm presenting.

Guess who's cuckoo
for my scratch and sniffs?

Hey, Chi Chi,
give me the love seat

'cause I need some room
to dog spread.

Absolutely.

Then give him the damn seat!

It's like they're following me.

Yeah, they are, sweet cakes.

Diablo, before you interrupted,

we were discussing
how insecurities

can lead to terrible life
decisions.

Something you're obviously
familiar with.

Insecure? Ha!

Thunder and Joseph
beg to differ.

That's right.
I named my doppelbangers.

But I'm open to suggestions.

- Julie and Julia.
- The Kids in the Hall.

- Your two-ton tortellini.
- The Floperty Brothers.

Indiana Jones
and the Temple of Boom.

Back to Kit Kat.

Maybe you need to appeal
to her reasonable side.

Ha! I have no idea

what the hell
you guys are talking about,

but Tabitha,
if you're having a problem,

look downstairs
because my besticles

would be happy to help.

OK, Diablo.

That's not entirely
constructive.

Well, it's better
than the nonsense

you've been spouting lately,
so someone has

- to pick up the sack.
- Ba-bam!

The lesson here
is never skip group.

All right.

We've all enjoyed
the verbal fireworks,

but now, let's give Honey
the respect

we've arbitrarily decided
she deserves.

That was yesterday, old man.

So how'd you get
the name Thunder?

- Back off, ho.
- Thunder's mine.

You can have Joseph.

- No one wants Joseph.
- See?

You already have
so much in common.

- Oh, you want to go?
- She's not worth it.

- You want to go?
- She's not worth it.

All right, Diablo,
I think you should go.

- Well, guess what.
- I don't need therapy anymore,

so I'm just going to take
my everlasting knobknockers

and go home!

That weasel with the implants

just gave me an idea.

Kit Kat is going down.

OK, funky felines,
it's cat-surfing time.

Catch me!

Where the hell did everyone go?

Come on!

There's a bigger, better party
down the street.

This guy is awesome.

How did you hear about him?

Flyer at the vape shop.

Oh, no.

You're vaping again?

Let's crank this up
to "Sanitize."

Yeah!

Punch clock,
this bitch has come to work.

Ha. Oh yeah.

Tabs! Tabs!
Tabs! Tabs!

Work it out.

Now, who's life of party?

Yeah. Woo-hoo!

You played right into my paws.

What?

I wanted a party
on the catio all along,

and you just gave it to me.

You got got, gato.

Liar.

- Cat fight!
- Claw her face!

Enough, you bore me.

And Waffles,
you were a little pitchy.

Work on that.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, my fetch ball.

Damn holes.

Hey, kid,
you know what's more fun

than chasing a ball all day?

Is the answer you
riding me like a horse?

No, canine testicular
implants are real,

not just something
the writers made up.

Well, I hope you're
enjoying it now, Diablo,

because all of this lawlessness

is eventually going
to lead to trouble.

A little word
of advice, Honey bun,

you should learn to lighten up.

Be more like me,
'cause I am having a ba...

- We get it.
- Because of your testicles.

Did someone say testicles?

So many to choose from.

It's like a smorgasbord.

Irish Setters, Spanish Mastiffs.

Ooh, Siberian husky.

Oh, actually, I'm a malamute.

Also...

The key to keeping them
from hurting my back, easy.

Rock solid core.
Thanks for asking.

Next question.

Hey, Big D, a rattlesnake
was spotted in the park.

- All the dogs are terrified.
- What are you going to do?

Well, what do you think
I'm going to do?

I am going to handle it.

Chief, shall we?

And away we go.

Chiefy Chief, where are you?

I got us a new fetch ball.

All right!

Ahh!

I'm all good.
My bonbons broke my fall.

And now, it's time
to let Thunder and Joseph

do the talking.

What? Oh, no.

Ahh!

No. Chief, no!

My poor babies. Why?

Why?

Oh, hey, Diablo.

How did you get here?

Where's my ball?

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Ooh. Ow.

So is this like
a weekly thing or what?

You're going down, Menopaws.

You got that right.

You're the one who's
going to start bleeding.

That's right.
I'm claiming my age.

I am 15 and fabulous.

You broke my
"Cat Fancy" Magazine

Sexiest Cat Alive trophy.

I... I didn't mean to.

Why must you be this way?

After I've been such
an amazing role model.

I'm sorry.

I guess just...

I just want some attention.

Attention?

All you do is get attention.

But not from you.

Why do you care?

You hate me!

Or... or you don't.

You worship me.

I mean now that I say it
out loud, it makes sense.

And I wouldn't be so mad
at you if I hated you.

So obviously,
I little bit don't hate you.

Worship's a little strong,
but...

that means a lot, Tabitha.

You're fat!

Oh, really, well, you're...

Tabs, let it go.

Ugh. Fine.

I'm proud of you
for being the bigger cat.

The much bigger cat.

- Tabitha.
- OK, fine.

But I am coffee-mugging
her tonight.

That's my girl.

Ugh. Look at those animals.

There's a snake
loose at the park,

and all they can think
about is their spicy frozen

meaty sprinkle-covered...

- I really want some.
- Hey, Honey.

Diablo, you're
back from the vet.

You look humbled.

Well, Chief punctured
Joseph and swallowed Thunder.

And my dad couldn't
write off another pair

as a business expense.

I... I miss them so much.

Yeah.

They were two of a kind.

- Oh. That means a lot to me.
- Thank you.

And I'm sorry
for how I acted, Honey.

It's just the dog pile happened.

And then even made fun of me.

My man marbles made
me feel powerful

for the first time in my life.

But Diablo, your bravery
and confidence

didn't come from your Fauxnads.

They came from you.

Your real testicles
aren't between your legs.

Your real testicles
are in your heart.

Rattlesnake! Help!

Rattlesnake!

I know what to do.

I'm on my way, Elsa.

It is time to take care of
that snake once and for all!

Atta boy.

Wait. What? Diablo, no.

You're puny and weak.

Leave my friend alone!

Oh yeah?

And what are you going to do?

Oh my god, a weasel!

That's right,
and pop pop goes the me.

And stay out!

And that, my friends,
is what I call

the empty sack attack.

That's right, Big D.

Diablo, look what you
just did, making me right.

It's funny, isn't it?

I lost my nads.

And then I was put
to the testes.

Now, come on, everyone.

Let's fill these holes!

- Shut up, Diablo.
- OK.

- Oh.
- Honey, what's the plan?

Well, I think we probably
should fill these holes.

Did she stutter?

Fill the damn holes!

Whoa. Wait a minute.

This is disgusting.

Did I just pay $12
for frozen meat?

They're on to us! Drive!

Finally, now,
they'll fix everything.

And you don't have
to be groovy stepmom anymore.

Nope. Now, I can be fun aunt.

Hey, Popcorn, wait up.

Aren't you going to introduce
me to your cute friend?

He's still out cold.

This should do the job.

I must admit,
I like the way you think.

- What the...
- Oh, my god.

- How did a raccoon get in here?
- Oh.

- Whoa. Hey... hey.
- Oh, my god. It's alive.

It's alive.
Do something. Do something.

Oh, man. Party's over.

All right.

Wow.

Looks like humans
aren't really fans.

Here comes my ride.

Yeah.

Wait, Mom.

You're breaking up.

Grandpa dropped Ed?

Who's Ed?

W... wait, Mom.

Can you hear me now?

Can you hear me now?

Now? Now?

This is nuts.