HouseBroken (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Who's Trippin'? - full transcript

- That's it!
- Dance me how you're feeling.

This is stupid!

If I'm gonna grind on a couch
in the middle of the night,

I'd like to be
with a different group!

And a different couch, frankly.

- Beautiful, Elsa.
- And your mood is?

Uh, angry, resentful,
a little bit...

No, no, no, say it with dance.

Diablo, feel the music.

I know.

I'm sorry for scheduling
a night session,



but Jill finally left the house.

She took a bunch
of camping equipment

and mentioned something
called cycle-delics,

which I can only assume

is the new white woman
form of exercise.

Come on, Gray One.
Show me some moves.

What is that?
You're just shrugging.

Pretty much sums me up.

One big, lonely,
"If I died tomorrow,

nobody would miss me" shrug.

Ah, the soundtrack of my life.

- All right, everyone.
- Take five.

Thank God!

And wake up!



Do you have any idea
how challenging it is for me

to discreetly gather
you whiny ding-dongs every week

so that we can go unnoticed
by my human?

- Ooh!
- Welcome to "Honey After Dark."

I put my sweet ass on the line

so you can get out your saddies.

Have you considered
what would happen

if Jill were to walk in on us
right now?

Well, how crazy
would that have been

if she had actually just...

Run for your lives!

This must be
some strong ayahuasca,

because I swear I just saw

a one-eyed cat and a sickly
mongoose tear outta here.

I'd say sickly weasel,

but close enough, sweet cheeks.

Sweet cheeks?

Let's take it down a notch,
"Mad Men."

Oh, my God.

You understood that?

Huh?

Uh-oh! Looks like
they got into the people-nip.

- So you can talk!
- And you can understand me!

Oh, my God!

This is a miracle!
Jinx!

- Buy me a Coke.
- Buy me a chew toy!

Well, friends,

I don't know how long
this ayahuasca will last,

so go ahead and AMA.

Jill, Jill, back to me.

There's just so much
I want to say to you.

And I can't wait to hear it.

- It's happening!
- We're taking this relationship

to the next level!

On your left!

- Oh, Honey!
- I have so much respect for you!

I know!

Jill! Jill!

Ooh, who to pick?

Um...

not the writhing mass
of spiders.

Yes, okay!

- The extra-sparkly Corgi.
- Thanks.

So you mentioned earlier
that humans intentionally

bred me to have
these stubby legs.

My question is why?

Well, the aristocracy found
your form to be beautiful.

- You hear that?
- You can all get humped.

In fact, it's likely you're
the most expensive animal here

with the exception
of the slow loris,

but he's illegal.

I'm sorry. You're right.

Undocumented. I'm sorry.

- Jill, over here!
- Oh, Jill!

- I have a question for you.
- I have a question also.

Yes, thick, orange cat!

Chico, Kevin's house.

Thank you for taking
my question.

Why does my person watch
so many instructional videos

about human mating?

Oh, he's just fantasizing
about sexual scenarios

he can't create on his own,
to which he'll masturbate

and then fall asleep and dream
about his teeth falling out.

Neat!

Okay, guys.

Jill's being polite,
but obviously,

she only wants
to talk to me, so...

Sacred plant medicine,

am I right?

- That's it!
- Everybody out.

Sorry about that.
They can be a lot.

- They're great.
- I love them.

Especially the ones
that melted like ice cream.

Well, I know you've been dying

to have some
one-on-one time with me

and it's been my lifelong dream
to communicate with you, so...

- Honey, Honey!
- You gotta get out there!

You know that dream
I always have

where the backyard
is covered in vomit

and wild-eyed hippies
try to braid me?

It's happening!

Oh, when did Jill get back?

- About 20 minutes ago.
- Oh.

I must have missed you.

Wowza!
You can understand me?

- Every word.
- Cool!

I have so many questions.

- Me, too!
- Did you take my new sandals?

- The short answer is, yes.
- The long answer is...

Yes.

Now my turn.

Actually, it's my turn.

What's your favorite color?

And also, what is color?

Imagine if light had flavor.

It feels a little
"Walking Dead," doesn't it?

I mean the early seasons
before it went off the rails.

Let me catch my breath.

I have tiny lungs

and my seasonal allergies
got my nose all...

Lord, I'm adorable!

- Neil?
- Neil!

Oh, I've spent so long
searching for you

when the whole time,
all I had to do

was get high out of my gourd!

- Whoa!
- Ever heard of consent, lady?

'Cause... ooh, I am giving it!

Neil, you came back to me

in the body of a sad,
nondescript cat!

Don't you recognize me?

It's Diane, your wife!

- Wife?
- Oh, sweetums!

I've missed your touch.

Too rough!

What's our safe word?

Gray One, I can't tell

if you're loving this
or hating this.

Blink twice if you need help
I can't provide.

- Oh, my God!
- Yes, yes.

- Ooh, free hugs?
- I'm next!

They are free, right?

Yeah, this lady thinks The
Gray One's her dead husband.

Do you cool cats always have
this much fun?

Usually I'm alone
with just my thoughts.

Just your thoughts?

Guys, don't be like that.

Neil, darling!

No, maybe this will
help jog your memory.

Wait a minute.

One eye, lots of chest hair,

looks like he could've woken up

in a pile of old
"Parade" magazines?

I am Neil!

Behold, my friends.

My late husband

and certified public accountant,

Neil Radabaugh!

Yes! You manifested it!

I hate LA.

And while we're on the subject,

why do you wipe?

Is it so no one can smell
what you're thinking?

Seriously, Chief?

We've been granted the miracle

of communicating with our human,

and that's what
you want to know?

I'm just easing into it with
some delightful small talk.

Now Jill, tell me all about
when you gave birth to me.

Was it painful?
Did you lick me clean?

Did you cut
my umbrella-cul cord?

Sweetie, I didn't
give birth to you.

But you're my mommy.

I have your hips!

Baby, I adopted you.

What?

- Did you know?
- Yes.

Remember that time Jill told us

she found you as a puppy
behind a feminist strip club?

I thought that was just
a story she made up

because I was too young
to know about sex!

But I hope you know
that I'm still your mommy.

I don't know anything anymore!

My whole life is a lie!

Am I even really a good boy?

When he's like this,

it's best to give him
some time alone.

Let's go find an H&M
and get matching crop tops...

And leg warmers!

You need to take me
to that strip club

to find my real mommy.

Chief, we're not going
to a strip club

in the middle of the night
to find a dog

that's probably been dead
for years.

- Please!
- It will give me closure!

Okay, let's go.

What? Seriously?

- You heard him.
- It'll give him closure.

Okay, I just
taught him that word last week,

and he's constantly misusing it.

Honey, please.

You're being very closure
right now.

We've got to save him from
that delusional, basic widow.

- We?
- Okay, just to be clear,

the best friend position
is filled.

You're just a dog
he knows from group.

Aw, you really think
I look like a dog?

Let's get outta here, lover.

- Gray One!
- It's a cat-napping!

That sounds cuter
than it should!

Scoot!

I'm in no condition to drive,

so, Honey, take the wheel!

I can't drive.

Or can I?

Chief, you work the pedals.

Hey, pedals.

Do those ridges go
all the way up?

Now I'm going to put the car
in reverse.

- Yay!
- I know what to do!

And Chief, you're gonna want
to gently press that pedal.

Doing great.

Excellent.

Now, Honey, you see that little
lever to the left of the wheel?

Give her a pull.

Good girl!

Are we there yet?

Now isn't this better
than driving?

It's certainly slower.

Let's just get to that
strip club, disappoint Chief,

go home,
and have a real gals' night.

Why not start
that gals' night now?

Yay! Paint my nails!

Get away from my nails!

Make them pretty!
Don't you dare touch them!

Sorry, unresolved puppy issues.

So you're kind of a little
therapist yourself, aren't you?

I mean,
I'm more than kind of, but...

Do you think
my real mom has missed me?

Well, Chief, I like to think
of myself as your real mom.

Tomato, adopted.

I had no idea this would be
so traumatic for him.

Well, one of the tenets of
my very real therapy practice

is to reframe trauma
as the furnace

in which our values are forged.

Oh, wow.

Would you ever want
to collaborate

on a peer-reviewed paper?

Your name would go first
because you're the human.

I have to pee.

So pee!

I have to pee, too!

You be lookout.

Ooh, this feels so liberating!

I may never use
a bathroom again!

Hey!

Dr. Jill?

Uh, woof?

Run!

Okay, I think it's this way.

No. This way?

Look, I hate to be that cat,

but your value
to the organization right now

is directly linked to
your ability to smell things.

It's not being cute?

- I am an obese cat.
- I think we've got that covered.

I'm sorry, there's just more
pollen in the air than usual

on account of climate change.

I miss The Gray One.

He's never informed enough
to talk politics.

Well, it's not really
a political...

Found him!

Oh, my God!

He's dead!

- No!
- No!

It looks like the organization
has an opening.

Welcome aboard.

No!

I want the whole
canine experience.

What should we do next?
Chase cars?

Freak out at the blood moon?

Sit and stare at the door?

Or we could each say

what we admire most
about each other.

I'll go first.

I admire your resilience,
your curiosity,

your quiet dignity...

Jill?

Whee!

I totally understand
why you guys love this.

I want this stank all over me!

Can we just get this walk
over with and go home?

Hey, can I ask you a question?

- Yes!
- Finally!

Can I wear your collar?

Sure.

Squirrel!

Squirrel!

Oh, Gray One!

I will avenge you!

Hey, guys.

- What are you doing here?
- You're not dead!

No, I... I just passed out.

Huh, I guess this
is what a food coma is.

I've never been full
enough to be in one before!

Let's get out of here before
that crazy lady comes back.

Hey! That crazy lady
is my crazy wife.

And because of her, I'm so much
more than just The Gray One.

I'm a dead CPA husband.

A whiz with numbers,

an unironic fan of Mario Lopez,

and a verbal, submissive top.

Neil!

She's never liked
any of my friends.

Hide!

Oh, my God, I lost my locket.

You have to help me find it!

You're so good
at finding things.

It's like you always say,

I'm such a useless scatterbrain!

Looks like my lady needs
a booster shot

of the Neil vaccine.

Mmm.

Aw, you're so... wait a minute.

Neil would never forgive me
so quickly.

He'd lord it over me for years

and then talk about it
on his podcast.

Which means...
And this could just be

the no-more-drugs talking...

You're not Neil!

You're just some cat
I bathed with!

You didn't tell us
about that part.

I... I guess I was saving it
for my podcast?

Get out!

Chief, we've sniffed everywhere.

Your real mom's just not here.

Wait!

- I think I smell something.
- Really?

Is this dog?

Oh!

No.

That's just the smell
of a recent murder.

I'm sorry.

I guess I have no mommy.

Well, that's a real kick
in the V.

So I guess I'm just some rando
who rubs his belly,

pays too much
for pet health insurance,

and makes every password
"Chief69."

- Oh, my God!
- This isn't about you!

Excuse me?

Well, first you set him up

for certain heartbreak.

Then you have the audacity

to make yourself the victim?

You are being
so judgy right now!

Well, I wouldn't
have to be judgy

if you'd just be the adult!

You're a dog, sweetheart.

Wow, you had that one
locked and loaded.

You know, I always thought
that you were the one person

who would understand me if only
you could understand me,

but now that you can
understand me,

it's clear you don't
understand me at all!

- Huh?
- I need to find Chief,

and you need to stop being
such a big baby lady!

I'll be right back.

- Stay.
- Uh...

Stay!

Another empowering night
in the books.

This ayahuasca is amazing!

I can understand strippers too!

I have an idea!

Hi!
Hi, hi, hi.

Sorry to bother you.

Do you think you could do me
a tiny favor

and tell my dog
you're his mother

so I can go home and vomit?

Sure, sure, yeah.

Happy to help.

This address current?

Yep!

- Okay.
- In you go.

If it makes you feel better...

- Whee!
- I do know my birth mother,

and she's a total nightmare.

- Blanche?
- Honey, she's salt of the earth!

- Wait, where's Jill?
- Jill! Jill!

We have one fight,
and she runs away?

Well, this is depressing.

I'm just gonna roll around
in that murder stank.

And let this be a lesson

to any other animals pretending
to be my dead husband!

Aw, man!

I'm sorry, buddy.

You don't need
that psycho anyway.

How dare you!

She put me through CPA school

with her ghost kitchen baking.

She just said you're not Neil.

You don't get it, Cheeks.

You've never been married.

Look, we have to track down
that locket,

which will prove I'm Neil,

and then Diane and I will have
the best makeup bath ever.

Why is this so important to you?

Well, it seems to me
that being Neil

has given The Gray One
an identity

that's filled his life
with purpose and meaning.

What the Japanese call ikigai,

or "reason for being."

Do you know how stupid
you sound right now?

Just dog up
and help us find the locket.

I'll try my best!

Guys, it's useless.

There's just too much poll...

Ah!

Diablo, are you okay?

No, I think I broke
two of my most adorable ribs.

But I found this!

And this is why she's alone.

The second anyone offers
constructive criticism,

she runs away.

She's just so Jill.

If that even is her name.

- It's definitely her name.
- You don't know that!

She lied about being my mommy!

She's a big liar!

Her name should be Jill-liar!

- Okay, wait.
- Hold on.

She may not have
given birth to us,

but she is our mother.

Jill is a bad mother!

Shut your snout!

I'm just talking about Jill!

So am I!

Who always cooks us
our own turkey on Thanksgiving?

Jill.

- That's right.
- And when that snake bit you,

who carried you down
that mountain on her back?

Jill.

She even tried
to suck out the poison.

It was the wrong paw,
but still, Jill.

And who has given her whole
life to taking care of us,

asking nothing in return
but the same unconditional love

she gives us?

And when by some miracle
we have a chance

to tell her just how much
she means to us,

we squander it by being judgy
and controlling...

This is starting to feel like
more of a "you" issue.

What have I done?

I was so desperate
for Jill to know me,

but the me I showed her
isn't my best me,

and now that's the me
she thinks I am

instead of the me that
loves her with all my heart.

I need to tell Jill I love her
while I still can.

Let's go find her!

Shotgun!

- Yes!
- The locket!

It must've slipped
through the cracks!

- What's all this commotion...
- You found my locket?

Oh, please.

That's what reincarnated
cat husbands do.

Are you punishing me?

There's my Neil.

Wait, this doesn't
look like mine.

"My Darling Joyce?"

What the...

My sister?

You were sleeping
with my sister?

And you gave her
the same locket as me?

You unoriginal putz!

Diane, I can explain!

I-I'm guessing I did it
to make you jealous?

It's more of our
psychosexual gamesmanship.

And look, it's working.

Huh?

Who are all these women?

What are all these letters
and... and passports?

A fidget spinner?

"To Barbara: You spin me right
round, baby, right round"?

- Oh, no!
- She's got that

jealous rage/come hither
look again!

You know what?

I'm glad I killed you!

Run!

This is the most cardio
I've ever done!

I so earned a cheat day.

I'm sorry things didn't pan out.

- What do you mean?
- It panned out better

than I could've dreamed.

I'm not just some forgettable,
gray cat.

I'm a memorable Neil,

who woos women with lockets

a-and in one case,

a stim toy
for people on the spectrum.

I like this guy.

Diablo, why don't you use
that nose of yours

to find Barbara
and her restless fingers?

Said Neil.

- You hear that, Diablo?
- You're in!

And I don't expect you
to get me coffee

unless you're getting
some for yourself.

Uh, maybe this is just
the broken ribs talking,

but I don't think I'm a good
fit for this organization.

After all this excitement,

I'd rather spent time at home
alone with my thoughts.

We knew you'd be back.

- Hi, Honey.
- What are...

I don't mean to cut you off,
but I need to say this.

Every day, both through
your words and your actions,

you tell me
how much you love me,

and until now, I've never had
a way to say it back to you.

Jill, I love you so much.

You've been a friend,
a role model,

a reliable nose booper,

and yes, a mother.

The best mother.

That you picked me to be part
of your life makes me

the luckiest dog in the world.

What's that, pretty girl?

Do you have to go
poo-poo pee-pees?

Outside?

- No!
- The hippy juice wore off!

She can't understand me!

I blew my one chance
to tell her I love her.

Did you, though?

Oh, I love you too, good girl!

Hey, quit hogging my mom!

Ugh, you guys!

I can't stop thinking
about last night.

It was absolutely life-changing.

- She remembers!
- I knew we had a connection!

I mean, the earlier part
of the night is a bit blurry

and at one point,
I even imagined

the three of us were
having a conversation.

It was real!

And you were being
a little judgy.

Who's my judgy girl?

You're my judgy girl!

I don't love this.

And because of you two,
my life has been transformed.

My whole idea of love
has expanded!

Aw!

Huh?

Last night was really fun.

You're amazing, Eleanor!

No, you're amazing,

I wanna say... Jane?

Yeah!

It's Jane now.

- Okay.
- I gotta bounce.

Call me!

How many people can say
they found their girlfriend

and their baby
in the same dumpster?

Jane is living out loud!

Mm.

Bento.

That's nice, Jen and Gabby.