Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 6, Episode 9 - Bad Boys - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Brunch was really nice,

but did you really need to tell
everybody in the restaurant

that it was our anniversary?

It was our anniversary.

It's only been six weeks.

I hear what you're saying.

"Where's my present?"

Well, here it is.

It's a year's membership to a wine club.



We'll get a bottle every month,

so we'll always have something
to take to Max and Pam's.

Who are Max and Pam?

Our best couple friends.

We haven't actually met them yet,

so the names are just placeholders.

But in my head, he's a human rights lawyer,

and she loves to pickle vegetables.

Pam the pickler.

Oh, Jack, stop.

You are moving way too fast for me.

I just... I need a little space, okay?

I mean, how can I miss you
if you won't go away?

I think I understand.



I'll take my foot off the gas
and put it on the brake.

Thank you.

And if I slip up,

don't be afraid to flash your headlights.

That's... I didn't mean...

Okay.

Ugh, I'm gonna have to break up with Jack.

Why? What's going on?

She'd rather not talk about it.

No, I would like to talk about it.

I meant I'd rather not hear about it.

Just one thing, Melanie.

Prior to you asking for space,

I picked out a lakeside condo for us.

Hoping you'd be able to have a look at it

before I lose the deposit.

Jack, I'm not gonna go look at a condo.

Right.

I'll leave you with the condo brochure.

Please take note of the master bath bidet.

Do you see why I have to break up with him?

Oh, he's too clingy.

He's like spanx you can't get off.

Oh, God.

There he is again. Somebody else answer it.

- I'm not here.
- Fine, I'll get it.

Holy crap!

Dad?

Hello, Victoria.

Hello, ladies.

What are you doing here?

Can't I just drop in
and see my little girl?

Seriously?

We haven't spoken in six months,

and our last conversation ended
with me calling you a has-been

and you calling me a hack.

And now you just show up?

Well, I'm dying to see
the football hall of fame.

Oh, let me rephrase that.

I'd like to see the football hall of fame,

and I'm dying.

Oh, my God, daddy.

Three months?

That's what the doctors say.

But, as an old actor, I'd like
to milk it to six months.

Doctors.

Do you remember when I played

Noah Wyle's mentor on ER?

Mm.

And you brought such humanity

to that alien doctor you played
on Lost in Space.

Yes.

But that robot was an a-hole.

You know, honey, I know that
we've never really gotten along.

No, just forget it.

I mean, that all seems so silly now.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Anything at all?

Well, just being here with you is enough.

Although I would like to work.

One last hurrah would be nice.

Well, I could help you with that.

My HBO show... I'm sure
I could get you something.

Really? Well, I don't want to put you

in any kind of awkward position.

No, I really want to do this.

I'm gonna call my producer right now.

But, um...

Before I go, can I get you something?

Oh, no, no, no, no. You make that call.

I'll just go get a glass of water.

Elka.

How is it possible

that you just get more and more beautiful?

It surprises me too.

You know, when you don't have
much time left,

you realize you want to live
every moment to the fullest.

Let me stop you right there.

I don't date actors.

Victoria said that you slept with Sinatra.

He was an actor.

He was Sinatra.

You break the rules for Sinatra.

So no ring-a-ding-ding?

Not this time, junior.

Hello, Bernie.

It's Alex Chase, your favorite client.

Listen, it's looking good
on this HBO thing.

I told my daughter a little white lie,

and she pulled some strings.

Who knows, I could ride
this show for five years.

Uh, I'll call you back when I know more.

Oh, hi, Joy.

I was just talking to my doctor.

I heard you on the phone.

You're not dying.

How could you do this to Victoria?

This is gonna break her heart.

- Only if you tell her.
- Which I'm going to.

No, w-wait, wait, wait, wait,

what will it cost me
to keep you quiet, huh?

$5.00?

6? 7?

I really need this job.

Daddy, I did it.

And not only are they gonna cast you,

it's a terrific part,

and we have two scenes together.

Oh, honey, that's wonderful.

Oh, I can't believe it.

I mean, to think that
we almost missed this chance

to act together.

You know, this is something
that I've wanted

ever since the first time I came
and visited you on a set.

Oh, honey, it's a dream
come true for me as well.

Oh, Joy, isn't this great news?

Yes, great.

What's the role?

Oh, you're playing
a smooth-talking con man.

Couldn't think of a better part.

We'll be right back with more

He said, She said after these messages.

Hey, um, let me ask you something.

Huh?

Jack is so clingy,
and I got to break up with him,

but I... how do I let him down easy?

You can't let guys down easy.

You got to smack 'em in the head
or they won't get it.

Tell you what. Pretend I'm your
boyfriend and break up with me.

But don't be sweet about it.

Okay.

Frankie, you're an obnoxious jerk,

I'm sick of your face,

and I don't want to date you anymore.

- Gee whiz, Melanie.
- Oh, Frankie.

Oh, I'm sorry. I meant...

That was a test. You failed.

Look, you got to be ten times
stronger than that.

Just walk in there, drop the bomb,

and walk away.

Like James Bond.

- Can you do that?
- Yeah.

Melanie, you got to act like you want it.

- I want it.
- Come on.

Say it like you mean it.
I want it, Frankie.

I want it really bad. I want it so bad.

Whoa, Melanie. No means no.

Can we just do the show please?

So that's it. It's over between us.

I don't understand.

- Can't we talk about this?
- No.

I dropped the bomb,
and now I'm walking away

like James Bond.

But James Bond doesn't drop bombs.

He defuses them.

Well, I'm... I'm sure he dropped
a bomb in some movie.

Moonraker, maybe.

Jack, it's over,

and I think, for a while,
it's best if we don't even talk.

But I'm your neighbor.

What if I see a car barreling toward you?

Surely I can talk to you then.

Hey, Melanie, watch out!

You're gonna be crushed by a runaway car!

No, not even then.

Goodbye, Jack.

Melanie.

So, listeners, it pains me

to tell you this,

but Frankie gave me some good advice.

I took it, and it turned out great.

Yeah, she dumped her boyfriend,

so now she's just another middle-aged woman

looking for love.

Which is great news for all
the cat shelters out there.

So, Frankie, how's it going
with your girlfriend?

Uh, well, I'll be honest,

we've hit a bit of a bumpy patch.

Oh, really? What happened?

Did she spring a leak and get deflated?

Okay, let's take our last caller.

It's a guy with a relationship problem.

Hi, how can we help?

Yes, long-time listener.

It seems I'm in a spot
of trouble with my lady.

It's Jack.

She sent me packing,
but I'm here to win her back

with a song.

Oh. Oh, look at that.

We lost the caller.

I guess we'll just
have to go to commercial.

Now. Now!

What is he doing here? I dropped the bomb.

I walked away. Now what do I do?

Look, just go out that way. I'll handle it.

- Where'd she go?
- Hey, look.

It's over with Melanie, okay?

Just move on to someone else.

I don't know where to begin.

I'm a one-woman guy.

Two if you count my mum.

Look, you got to forget about her, okay?

And I can help you with that.

You even been to a gentlemen's club?

Wait, you talking about strippers?

Those places seem a bit sketchy.

Nah, you're thinking about
the ones that have a buffet.

Well, I guess I could give it a try.

It better not be one of those ones

where they rip off the skivvy
and there's a penis.

That's one bachelor party
I'd rather forget.

So you've been lying to me all this time?

I'm sorry.

I just got caught up in it.

Will you ever forgive me?

Of course she can't forgive you.

What you did was horrible.

What? Joy, that's not in the script.

We're running lines here.

Don't improvise.

I'm sorry.

I just decided my character's backstory

is that she knows the truth
about the con man

and desperately wants to tell
someone about it.

Well, that's an odd attitude
for the court stenographer.

Maybe you're overthinking it.

Small part fever.

You may not get that.

We're having a laugh at your expense.

Oh, daddy, this is so much fun.

And I know this is gonna sound strange,

but I almost wish you were dying years ago.

I know what you mean, sweetheart.

I can't remember when
we've ever been this close.

It's just such a waste, you know,

all those years of fighting.

What were we even fighting about?

Oh, it doesn't matter anymore.

The fact is, we're together now.

Let me get you some water.

Uh, the doctor says scotch would be better.

I didn't finish the script,

so I'm curious how this story ends.

How long does this con man think
he can keep up this charade?

Perhaps he hasn't thought it
all through yet.

Well, perhaps he should realize

that there's only so long
the court stenographer

can sit on this before telling her friend.

This sounds like a terrible show.

You know, I think I've had
enough acting for one evening.

Well, Elka,

it looks like fate wants us
to be alone at last.

You know my policy about actors.

Oh, forget I'm an actor.

Right now, I'm just a boy
standing in front of a girl

saying, "I'm dying."

Will you sleep with me?"

If I fell for that,

I'd have to sleep with every guy
at the senior center.

What? He's not dying?

Oh, my God. What are you gonna do?

Well, I have two choices.

Tell Victoria and destroy their
beautiful reconciliation...

Or not tell her, and when she finds out,

she'll be mad that you knew
and said nothing.

Or, third choice,

we could drink, pick up guys,

and let the crazy actors
figure it out for themselves.

Why'd you want to come here?

I mean, we could get a drink over at the...

Oh, that's why you wanted to come here.

I just had to see her again.

Look, man, this kind of desperation

is exactly why women dump you, okay?

You got to be cool, aloof.

Act like they don't exist.

And women like that?

You can't care what women like.

That's what they like.

Oh, no. Jack is here.

I hope he doesn't make another scene.

Hey, Joy.

Well, he seems to have gotten the message.

He didn't even look at you.

He didn't, did he?

I mean, three hours ago,

he was serenading me on the air,

and now he can't even
acknowledge my existence.

So good for him.

Good for him.

You know, the problem was never
that he wasn't cute enough.

Melanie, don't let him suck you in.

I mean, sure, he's ignoring you
and acting like you don't exist,

and, sure, that's hot and sexy
and appealing.

But the minute you take him back,

he'll be committed and kind and thoughtful.

He'll be awful again.

Maybe. Or maybe he's changed.

Where are you going?

I'm just gonna go check on our drinks.

Take it easy, Joy.

Hey, Jack.

I said, "hey, Jack."

I don't care.

Wait, I do care.

I can't play it cool.

Please take me back, Melanie.

The condo people said
they'd give us another week.

I tried the bidet. It's heaven.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- No.
- All right, come on, pal.

Take a hint. She's moved on.

Moved on? With who?

With someone.

Someone who?

With Frankie.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I mean, you know how it is.

You sit next to a beautiful
woman for hours every day.

She's yapping about something.

You're undressing her with your eyes.

I'm so sorry, Jack.

I'm, you know, just crazy
about this bald, mean man.

Some friend you turned out to be.

You've stolen my girl.

Hey, look, I'm sorry, pal.

No hard feelings?

Wow.

That clingy little boyfriend
of yours sure packs a punch.

He was an amateur boxing champion,

and he was in the New
Zealand special forces.

You know, he actually killed a few guys.

Why didn't you tell me that
before you volunteered me

to be your lover?

- Sorry about that.
- Yeah.

But, hey, here's the good news.

You don't have to pretend
to be my lover anymore.

Eh, it wasn't so bad.

Really?

Look, Melanie, there's
something I got to tell you.

Um, I got an offer from a radio station

in Dallas,

and I'm gonna take it.

Oh.

Well, I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you too.

You're a pain in the ass,

but you do make me laugh.

Same.

I mean, you know, maybe I could talk

to the station in Dallas,

and maybe they could take you too.

I mean, we could be a team again.

And, you know, after work,

maybe we could get a beer or have dinner,

or perhaps we could just

take turns cooking for each other.

Oh, my God, what the are you doing to me?

- I'm not doing anything.
- Yeah, you are. It's you.

You're the problem.
This is what you do to men, you know?

You make them think
about long-term relationships.

You stimulate their commitment gland.

Don't you think you share
some responsibility

for your own feelings?

No.

Look, I'm leaving, okay?

But I'll email you when I get there.

You know, I'll shoot you
the occasional text.

Perhaps we could try Facetime.

Oh, my God, you're doing it again.

I got to get away from you.

Elka, you should have seen

my little girl today.

That scene with Paul Giamatti...

She acted the pants off him.

Tell me when you're acting
with Mark Wahlberg.

Victoria's so happy.

It's gonna kill her
when she finds out the truth.

Which is why we're bringing
an end to it tonight.

What, we're just gonna come
right out and tell her?

We're not gonna tell her anything.

He's going to tell her.

Ah.

I don't get it.

Just follow my lead.

Okay.

Victoria, Melanie and I were talking,

and since your father
has so little time left,

we think you should spend it together.

Yes. Yes.

Joy and I were talking,

and... and that is exactly
what we were thinking.

So I'm gonna let Joy tell you the rest.

We found a lovely facility
here in Cleveland

where your father can live out
the rest of his days.

Joy, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's very kind of you,

but I would never want to be
a burden to anyone.

Burden? Never.

But you shouldn't be in a facility.

You should be with me.

No, I'm sure that we can set up
a bed for you right down here.

Yes, and we can get a large male nurse

to carry you to the shower.

Oh, you can be my little invalid.

So what do you say?

Well, I... I...

Really, I don't know what to say, except...

Oh, damn it.

I have a major announcement to make.

Victoria, I lied to you.

I'm not dying.

What?

You've been faking all this time?

Oh, daddy, how could you do
such a heinous thing?

Because I thought that you...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You're overplaying your shock.

You knew I was faking it, didn't you?

Yes.

Well, not at first.

That medicinal scotch
kind of tipped me off.

But once I figured it out, I was shocked.

That you would manipulate me emotionally,

tell me that you had three months to live

just to get a job?

Well, that is not just cruel.

That is typical.

Typical?

I've done so many things for you

that you never even thanked me for.

Do you think you would have had
all your success

if it wasn't for me?

Oh, you want thanks? Okay.

Thank you for cheating on mom,

thank you for never being there
for me when I needed you,

thank you...

Oh, my God.

What?

Why are we doing this again?

Fighting like this?

Daddy, wasn't it better
a couple of minutes ago

when we put our resentments aside

and just celebrated
what we love about each other?

But I was dying then.

Well, in a way, aren't we all dying?

We are.

So can't we just act as if we are?

It seems like a much better way
to go through life.

That would be a great acting challenge...

Me pretending to be dying,

you pretending not knowing
that I'm pretending to be dying.

If anyone can pull that off, daddy, we can.

Our plan worked!

Yes. You were excellent.

So you're not dying.

Maybe you're a better actor than I thought.

Would you say, Sinatra level?

You are shameless.

- Yes I am.
- I like it.