Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 6, Episode 8 - The Young and the Restless - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front

of a live studio audience.

Oh, yes.

Oh, you're probably wondering
what all the balloons are for.

My daughter just got into
Harvard medical school.

Hey, that's a good school.

It's a great school.

Probably gets her smarts from her mom.

Oh, well, I don't think
I'm Harvard material,

but I do have a lot of common sense.

He's waiting for a tip, Melanie.



Oh. Yes, I knew that.

Oh, I'm just so excited.

Jenna's gonna be here any minute.

I'm gonna hide these in the guest room.

Well, now that Jenna's going to med school,

can she prescribe Xanax?

I want some too.

I need it more.

I shot a nude scene for
my HBO series yesterday.

Ugh, the lighting on that set was so harsh.

I mean, I don't want Lena Dunham nudity,

where everyone calls you
brave but you look terrible.

Well, why don't you put your mind at ease

and go see the footage yourself?



Visit the film editor?

Those pale, toad-like people
who sit hunched in the dark

just watching footage all day?

I've never lowered myself that way, but...

desperate times call for selfish measures.

You know who always looks great on camera?

Me.

Right. Elka had her
picture in the paper today.

Oh.

Councilwoman Ostrovsky poses
with councilman for a day,

Lance Matthews.

Mm. This kid sounds impressive.

- Boy scout, straight-A student.
- Nerd.

I thought he was coming to
the house... where is he?

He's taking care of some
important city business.

Your cocktail, Councilwoman.

I serve the people.

He serves me.

I took the opportunity to boil
down the council meeting minutes

to five concise bullet points.

I'm kind of a nerd.

Oh, don't call yourself names.

Ooh, Jenna is also
improving my social life.

I joined this dating website,

and they just matched me with a man

whose son is also going
to Harvard medical school.

I wonder what we'll talk about.

This won't get old.

She's here. Ee!

There's my beautiful genius!

- Mom.
- Oh, honey,

- I'm so proud of you!
- Mom.

Harvard medical school. I mean,

- this has always been your dream.
- Mom.

I'm not going to Harvard.

What? Oh.

Well, can you excuse me for a minute?

I'll be right back!

So how was your flight?

Honey, I don't understand.

You have always wanted to be a doctor.

You used to give your Barbies
beauty marks and then scold them

for not having 'em
checked out for melanoma.

And I gave Ken a vasectomy 'cause

they didn't feel like having
kids at the dream house.

But I've changed.

Medical school just
doesn't feel right anymore.

What does feel right?

I don't know yet. That's the exciting part.

But here's something that'll
make you feel good, mom.

I couldn't have done this if I didn't know

you would always support me no matter what.

Yeah, that does make me feel good.

Okay. I'm gonna go unpack.

Hey, thank you for respecting my choices

and not trying to change my mind.

Of course, honey.

I hate her choices, and
we've got to change her mind!

It's every parent's dilemma.

Do you let your kids
make their own mistakes,

or do you prevent them
from making huge mistakes?

And this would be a huge mistake.

I know her.

Deep down, she wants to be a doctor.

I think she's just
freaking out a little bit.

- So say something to her.
- I can't.

If I say something to
her, we'll have a fight,

and Jenna and I have never had a fight,

and I love that about us.

My mother and I do nothing but fight,

and I love that about us.

How about I talk to her?

Really?

That would be perfect, 'cause
she has always looked up to you.

And you would be a great friend
if you used that against her.

Consider it done.

You know, sometimes it's easier
hearing things from someone

who's not your mom.

Yeah, moms are pretty much

the worst people to
say anything to anybody.

At least that's what my kids tell me,

and we have a great relationship.

Knock, knock.

Wow. Victoria Chase.

I know.

I'm afraid you're not
supposed to be in here.

Well, I won't tell if you won't.

No, I always make it a point

to meet the entire crew
of every production I'm in.

Me too. Who have you met?

Uh... I only know their nicknames.

Ponytail guy.

Fanny pack. Food lady.

Hey, now that we've run into
each other, would it be possible

for me to see some footage?

Maybe something with you in it?

- Why don't we take a look at my love scene?
- Sure.

Oh, thanks.

Cutty.

Snippy?

Barney.

Is that really better?

It is so good sitting here with you.

Three good friends talking and listening.

Especially listening to Joy.

You know, that's great
because I was worried

you were gonna try and convince
me to go to medical school.

Oh, not at all. No.

I would never be all like,

you know, "what the hell are you thinking?"

You know,

and "you're making the
biggest mistake of your life."

Which reminds me,

I have made huge miss in my life

when I have not listened to Joy.

Now, you guys have a nice visit.

See you later, you guys!

Is she the crazy one?

We don't judge.

Because even crazy people vote?

Yes. And when the weather's bad,

sometimes only crazy people vote.

Wasn't it raining the day you were elected?

Cats and dogs.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Every... everything is
so harsh and realistic.

The director likes things plain and raw.

Well, that's fine for a vegetable plate,

but this is my love scene.

Can't you do something?

Well, I actually have this filter

that makes people look younger.

I call it the Benjamin Button... button.

Oh, my God.

I'm beautiful.

You are.

Oh, I have to say that you
really brought out my...

Inner soul?

I was gonna say outer
beauty, but same thing.

Well, if there's ever
anything I can do for you...

Actually...

I know it's last-minute,

but it's my sister's wedding tonight,

and I don't have a date.

Well, I'm sure that won't be a problem

for a young man like you.

Ha ha. No, I meant, uh,

what if you came as my date?

If I showed up with you,

it would be the talk of the wedding.

I do like to upstage a bride,

but I really think it's
best if we're just friends.

Then come as a friend.

No, I meant the kind of friends who never

see each other outside of work.

Like Fanny pack or food lady.

- Bye, button guy.
- Barney.

I think that's what I said.

And finally, we've got some birthday cards.

This is for Marilyn, the mayor's secretary.

Idiot.

This is for Larry, utilities.

Moron.

Gary owns the hot dog truck.

God's work.

Oh, and remember,
councilwoman, we have that 8:00

with the head of the Sanitation Department.

Damn, I've got to fire that guy.

Ooh, sounds tough.

How do you do it?

You tell them they look tired.

Everybody's tired.

I'm not tired.

You're 12.

Give it another year.

Shh, they're getting to the important part.

It's just that you were so
passionate about medical school.

I know, but now I'm not so sure.

Do you think you might be a little scared?

I was scared when I first
went to work as a detective.

- Really?
- Yes, but once I committed,

it felt right.

Oh, it's so ting catching identity thieves,

dressing up sexy to honey
trap cheating husbands.

Really, I help people.

Much like a doctor helps
people, except less so.

Yeah, I get what you're saying,

and I know mom really wants
me to go to med school,

and she's never steered me wrong.

Except maybe this time.

Your job sounds so sexy and cool.

Maybe I should be a detective.

I'm back.

I forgot I had to talk to Joy
about something very important.

Joy, a word.

Joy! What have you done?

Now she wants to become a detective?

Okay, clearly we've hit a small glitch.

I've forgotten how cool I am to the young.

Oh, my God.

My stupid date is tonight.

I'm just gonna have to cancel
until we can figure this out.

No, don't cancel.

I'll fix this.

You better.

I... I really have to get ready.

I kind of exaggerated on
my profile a little bit,

so I only have two hours to grow 6 inches

and learn salsa dancing.

Joy, wait till you

see this gorgeous screen
shot from my nude scene.

That editor transformed
me from the realistic way

I was shot to the way I
actually look in my head.

Victoria, there's a kid here.

Why are you shielding him?

I'm the one who doesn't want to see it.

Victoria, you look flawless.

I know.

Look. A tiny blemish.

Look. A huge blemish.

Well, maybe you'd like this better.

What is that? Like, a giant sea sponge?

Let me just pull back here.

Oh, my God, that's my ass!

You gave me cellulite!

People will call it a
very brave performance.

You bastard. How could you?

Not having a date to my sister's wed

must've put me in an ugly mood.

So you're blackmailing me?

All right. So what if you did have a date?

Well, I'd say that
would... smooth things over.

Aw! And what if that date was
just for a fun coffee instead?

Fine!

Wedding it is.

So councilwoman, to what
does the sanitation department

owe this honor?

Well, actually, Lance here
is handling my meetings.

He's councilman for the day.

Oh, that's cute.

Well, young man, what can I do for you?

Jerry, you look a little tired.

Well, sure, who isn't?

Wait.

Are you firing me?

Elka, whats this?

He's the councilman, Jerry.

My hands are tied.

I promised myself

I wouldn't spend the whole
date talking about this,

but our kids are going
to Harvard medical school.

How do you keep from bragging?

Pretend that she decided not to go.

You know, I worried I pushed mine too hard,

but then you think of the alternative.

Oh don't worry. I think
married men are sexy.

How would you like that
to be your daughter?

What the hell, Joy?

You turned my baby into a honey trap?

You were supposed to fix this.

I tried, but she's an adult,

and you said you'd respect her decisions.

Now, there's a hidden camera on the patio.

All she has to do is get
one quick kiss with this guy,

- and done.
- I'm going in there.

No. If you do, you'll cause a big scene,

and your no-fight record will be ruined.

Oh, that's low.

You know I love that record.

You're right, Lance.

Why hasn't my wife worked
since I married her?

It's Jerry time now.

Go home and tell her the good news.

Kid, you played that perfectly.

Two Martinis please.

Elka.

Oh, and a coke for Junior.

You are cute.

So are you,

although the borders around that
mole on your neck are irregular.

You might want to have that looked at.

I like what I'm looking at right now.

How would you like to kiss a real woman?

What are you doing here?

Sure, she's young and beautiful,

but wouldn't you prefer a vehicle

with a little more mileage on it?

- Kiss me.
- Okay.

What? No, he's supposed to kiss me.

Go away, strange woman I don't know.

- Kiss me.
- No, Kiss me.

No, kiss me.

You know what you can kiss?

Half your money good-bye.

Sherri, honey, I can explain.

What's there to explain?

You're cheating on me with these two...

whores!

My daughter is not a whore.

This is where you're supposed to say,

"my mom's not a whore either."

She's not.

Mother and daughter?

You degenerate!

Honey, wait.

- It was their fault.
- Uh, Melanie?

Oh, Justin.

This isn't what it looks like.

No, I was just trying
get that man to kiss me

before he kissed my daughter.

Yeah, it's okay if you go.

Melanie, I told you not to interfere.

Ah, but I had to.

Jenna, honey, this isn't you.

You want to help people.

You don't want to be seducing
sleazy men for money like Joy.

That isn't my entire life.

Look, Jenna is a natural
born honey trap who will be

sitting here seducing
sleazy men for years to come.

Right, Jenna?

Actually, no.

This isn't me.

I was totally lame at it.

And then you came in and
were just as lame as I was.

Well, I didn't actually get
a chance to show my stuff.

But go on.

Mom, you were right about school.

I think I just got scared.

What if I'm the dumbest person there?

Then you're the dumbest person
at Harvard Medical School.

Wait a minute.

Honey, does this mean you
changed your mind about going?

Okay, don't go crazy... but yes.

Oh! Yes! Oh, honey, thank you!

Thank you. I'm so proud of you!

My daughter's going to
Harvard Medical School!

Now go wipe that whorish
makeup off your face.

That's right. I'm not Joy anymore.

Well, putting that aside, my plan worked.

What plan?

I knew if I set her up
in this awful situation,

she would hate it and come to her senses.

Wait, so none of this was real?

- All those people were actors.
- Aw, Joy.

Oh, thank you so much.
But why didn't you tell me?

- I could've played along.
- Oh, you would've blown it.

You're terrible at pretending.

I'm not.

Sorry, I forgot my purse.

Oh, well, I was just
upbraiding Joy, you know,

for getting you caught
up in all her shenanigans.

Joy!

Yeah, you're right. I would've blown it.

Thanks for coming, Victoria.

I'm sorry you didn't have more fun.

Well, as I said to more
than one ex-husband,

I did what you asked me to do,
but I can't pretend I liked it.

But I really like you, Victoria.

I look at your face all day,

and I never get tired of it.

So you resorted to blackmail?

Because you wouldn't have
gone out with me otherwise.

You would have said I'm not
rich enough or famous enough,

or I'm too young.

Haven't you ever used blackmail
to get something you love?

Well, of course... that's
how I raised three children.

But Barney, you are very young.

But Victoria, you look very young.

Well, you can't argue the facts.

I'm just asking you to think about it.

How bad would it be
spending time with someone

who's crazy about you?

Well, you're certainly persistent.

All right, one date, and we'll
see where it goes from there.

Thank you, councilwoman Ostrovsky.

I learned so much.

Lance Matthews for City Council?

You want my job?

I got a taste of power, and I liked it.

You're not old enough.

Actually, the council
passed a bill changing that.

You sponsored it.

I slipped it in with some of
the paperwork that you signed.

You taught me that trick.

I did.

I taught you everything you know,

but not everything I know.

What does that mean?

It means the mayor won't sign this bill.

Why not?

Because...

he's my boyfriend.

That's not fair!

You look tired, Lance.

Go home to your family.