Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 6, Episode 7 - Cold in Cleveland: The Christmas Episode - full transcript

Now, George Clooney,
you know Santa won't come

until you go to sleep.

All right, one more story.

"'Twas the week before Christmas

"and all through the house

the women I live with
were starting to grouse."

My kids want to spend Christmas

with their significant others.

I guess having sex is more important

than hanging out in Cleveland
with their mom and fake aunts.

Do you ever listen to yourself, Melanie?



I try not to.

My Christmas is gonna stink this year.

Oh, my Christmas stinks every year.

You're a struggling young actress,

you do one movie called Disco Christmas,

and for the next three decades,

strangers call out the catchphrase.

Merry Christmas, jive turkey.

Yes, that's the one.

Sometimes I wish I'd done porn

instead of that humiliating movie.

I did porn.

In Poland.

But it was just me peeling a potato.



In slow motion.

Victoria, it wasn't all bad.

You fell in love and married Ernie Hudson

on that movie.

Oh, even so,

just once, I would like a Christmas

without everyone gathering
around the TV set

to laugh at me.

You may want to skip my viewing party

I host every year.

Oh, and you never invited us

because we were away at Christmas.

Sure.

All right, Elka,

there will be no
disco Christmas in this house.

I forbid it.

But it's a tradition.

No,it's a wonderful lifeis a tradition.

This is just humiliation.

You know,it's a wonderful life

nearly wasn't a tradition.

Someone bought the rights and
kept it off the air for years.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Ernie owns the rights to Disco Christmas.

I'm sure he would let me have them.

I mean, divorced couples
do favors for each other

all the time.

Merry Christmas to one and all.

Wow, someone's in a good mood.

Someone's mother's not coming to Cleveland

for Christmas.

She got kicked off the plane
for getting into a slap fight

with an eight-year-old over an armrest.

Oh, this is going to be glorious.

A Christmas without her constant criticism.

Do you know she never once
let me pick out the tree?

Why not?

Because she has a time-honored tradition

that everything Joy does
is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Oh, yeah, I remember reading that

in her Christmas letter.

Elka, are you making Christmas cookies?

No, I just set a timer

for how long I think
I could put up with you three.

I was way off.

Well, I'm outta here.

Hello, may I help you?

It's me, Sally.
I'm your next-door neighbor.

Oh.

So does that mean that the woman
with the dreadful children

and the hideous minivan moved away?

Nope, I'm still here.

What can we do for you, Sally?

Elka said I could borrow
your extension cord

for the holiday lights contest.

I'm going for my fourth straight win.

There's a holiday lights contest?

Oh, my God, I am so there.

Really?

We have actual Christmas in Cleveland.

It's not like L.A. with your fake snow

and your surfing santas.

Listen, whatever your name is,

people came from miles around
to see Melanie's decorations.

She can win this contest.

The first rule of this contest

is you have to put up
all the decorations yourself.

Oh, well, she can't do that.

Could you imagine?

Hey!

I can do it, and I will do it.

My kids aren't gonna be here this year,

and that makes me sad,
but I don't wanna feel sad.

So I'm gonna misplace those emotions

into anger against you

and beat your ass in this contest.

Well, my kids are here.

And they're whining and crying,

and I'm sad I ever had them.

And those are the emotions I'm channeling

into beating your ass.

Synced and corrected by oykubuyuk

"So the ex-Mrs. Hudson"

"set off to acquire the broadcasting rights"

for her Christmas misfire.

With Ernie in town... he was doing a play...

"it was easy to set up a meeting that day."

You remember the first day we met

on the set of disco Christmas?

Mm.

And my clog got caught in your bell-bottom,

and we tumbled to the floor,

just lay there,

my perm pressed against
your "funk you" medallion.

You know, to me
you'll always be Teena Fazio,

torn between ballet and disco.

Why did we break up anyway?

Because you were always manipulating me

into doing things
against my best interests.

Oh, Ernie, I was just getting all nostalgic

about our time on Disco Christmas.

Hmm.

What ever happened
to the rights to that movie,

by the way?

And there it is.

Okay, fine, fine.

I want you to give me those rights

so that I can rid the world
of our common shame.

I'm not embarrassed by it, Victoria.

I mean, it's not my best work,

but I've got a good enough sense of humor

to laugh at myself.

Why can't you?

Because it's humiliating.

Strangers quote it to me on the street.

I'm sure they do the same to you.

I was inGhostbusters.

I should get back to the theater.

Oh, wait.

What if I said

if you don't give me those rights,

you'll regret it?

That after I'm gone,

I will haunt you for the rest of your days?

Then I guess I'd say

I ain't afraid of no ghost.

Come on, lady,

I've shown you every tree in the lot.

It's just that I've never actually

picked out a tree before.

And I keep hearing my mother's
critical voice in my head

telling me everything I do is wrong.

But fine, I pick this one.

Wrong!

What do you mean, wrong?

It looks like an old cheap
thing tarted up for sale.

I can see why you'd like it.

Now, this one has dignity and presence,

an almost regal quality.

Really?

That tree is frumpy and stuffy

and interfering.

How could a tree be...

How dare you interrupt
a British conversation!

Thank you.

You can leave now.

I want to pick out my own tree.

Well, enjoy making

the biggest mistake of your Christmas.

I will!

So you want this one?

Yes.

I am a grown woman with my own mind,

and I'm not changing it

just because some bossy British lady

thinks I'm wrong.

So wrap this one up and take it to my car.

But that's not...

I said wrap it up.

It's too tall and too dried up.

But enough about Joy.

The tree's great.

Honey, I think it's perfect,

and the best part is, your mom
had nothing to do with it.

You picked it out yourself.

Yes.

That is the best part.

Okay, I gotta get back to decorating.

Are you really gonna use
all of these lights?

Oh, are you kidding?

This is just for the lawn
and the front of the house.

I still have to get back to Walmart

and get the roof tableau.

I am gonna destroy Sally

and teach her
the real meaning of Christmas.

So how'd your lunch with Ernie go?

Ah, he said I needed
to learn to laugh at myself.

Can you believe it?

I laugh at myself all the time.

Really?

Yes.

People said that
I would never win an Oscar,

and then I did.

Hilarious.

And what about the time
Susan lucci fell in the pond?

That's not laughing at yourself.

That's laughing at Susan lucci.

The point is, I was laughing
and I was myself.

Oh, this is gonna be a good party.

Okay, Joy, the judges are gonna be able

to see the tree through that window,

so you have to make it pop.

I will.

I'm thinking of doing white lights

and simple gold ribbon.

Sounds beautiful.

Or maybe strings of popcorn and candy.

- Also good.
- Or should I do ornaments?

Strings of popcorn, ornaments, ribbon.

How can I choose?

Honey, whatever you choose,

it's going to be perfect, okay?

Just listen to the same voice

that guided you to that tree.

Damn it, Melanie,
I was trying to avoid that.

Excuse me.

Earlier today there was

a disagreeable British woman here.

Yeah, you.

I'm talking about an older woman.

Older than me.

Oh, you mean Margaret.

She's Mrs. claus,

over there in Santa's village.

I'm so sorry. Excuse me.

Excuse me, can I just squeeze through here?

There's a line!

Yeah, I just want to ask a quick question.

Yes, you wear too much makeup.

Hey, why isn't she sitting on Santa's lap?

I just...

fine.

Sorry, Santa.

Ha ha.

Ho, ho, ho!

Wait, Joy?

Ted?

Look, I was gonna call you, I swear.

Really?

You came to my house for one night,

and then you left before I woke up.

He really is Santa.

Oh, hey, Sally.

Yeah, I'm just finishing up the porch.

Yes, it all looks very nice.

And conventional.

Holy Jesus.

Coming right up.

Yeah, so if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go put Santa on the roof.

No way, I own Santa on the roof.

You can't own Santa on the roof.

It's a classic.

This isn't over, moretti.

No, but you are.

Ha ha, good one.

You coming to midnight mass?

I am.

Good. See you there!

Peace be with you.

And also with you.

You were actually thinking

of putting tinsel on that beautiful tree?

It's just one idea.

I've coughed up better ideas
into this hankie.

Oh, really?

Well, then maybe I'll do it
just to spite you.

Well, I wish you'd stand up straight

just to spite me.

You're worse than my mother.

And you're more pigheaded than my daughter.

Thank God my mother's stuck in London.

Thank God my daughter's
with her filthy French husband.

Well, the point is,

I don't want you anywhere near my tree.

So if you have nothing else to do,

I don't want you to be
at 68 cedar cliff road

tonight at 7:00.

Well, even if I wanted to go,

I certainly wouldn't be there at 7:00

because I work until 7:30.

Well, then, you won't care
that euclid is the cross street,

and if you hit the gas station,
you've gone too far.

I warned you, moretti.

Now your Santa's gonna get it.

Sally? What...

is that a gun?

Keep your Christmas panties on.

It's just a pellet gun.

And you'd better get used to it

because all my kids
are getting one tomorrow.

You're not actually gonna shoot...

Santa!

See you at the party, loser!

Santa!

Oh, crap!

Well, thanks to my help,

I suppose it's not a total balls-up.

Shut up and drink your tea.

My mother always said
the way to a man's heart

was through a decent cup of tea.

I take it you're single.

Let's all thank Elka

for hosting the annual
disco Christmas party.

Hey, it's teena fazio.

Wait, you've seendisco Christmas?

Oh, it's ghastly.

I watch it every year.

And we're very lucky
to have the star of the movie

here with us tonight.

Oh, thank you.

Ernie Hudson.

What are you doing here?

Elka invited me.

I'm proud of you for being here, Victoria.

You took my advice and finally
learned to laugh at yourself.

And now who's ready
to laugh some more at Victoria?

Say, "Merry Christmas, jive turkey."

Or perhaps instead I could do a scene

from my Oscar-winning performance.

Boo!

Oh, my God,

you two should do
that cheesy scene at the end

when teena fazio comes back
to you from ballet school.

Oh, no, no, no, we could never recapture

the magic of the original.

Victoria has a point.

That scene is hard to do without...

Our disco caps!

I kept 'em as a souvenir.

What do you say, Victoria?

I'd say I'd love to,

but, uh... but first, I, uh...

oh, I have to take the dog for a walk.

Oh, he had a walk. He's fine.

Oh, no, he's just putting on
a good face for the party.

Inside he's dying of embarrassment

for the things he did
as a puppy to make money.

Hey, aren't you Teena Fazio?

Oh, bite me.

Oh, my God, it's the judges
from the holiday lights contest.

Hi! Hello!

I'm guessing my husband
told you I was here.

Actually, we came for Melanie moretti.

To tell her she lives
next door to the winner?

Did you not see my roof Santa?

Yes, Sally, we saw it,
three years in a row.

But we've never seen a Santa

with lifelike legs
kicking from the chimney.

We have a new champion, Melanie Moretti!

I won?

Melanie Moretti?

Whoa!

I won?

I won! I won!

I won! I won!

I won!

Yes!

"To the neighborhood tavern Victoria slunk,

never doubting that
she would feel better if drunk."

Another one, please.

Look, I know it's just a dumb movie,

but I've never been good
at laughing at myself.

It makes me feel small.

There's just something degrading

about having your nose
rubbed in the mess you made.

You've been there.

Look at me.

Ah, I'm drinking alone in a bar,

talking to a dog on Christmas Eve.

Could it get any worse?

Hey, turn up the TV.

It's Disco Christmas.

Oh, God.

On this night of all nights,

could I please be rid of
this horrible Christmas curse?

What's my secret, Sally?

One word. Attention to detail.

That's three words.

Loser says what?

For example, I used over 20,000 bulbs.

But still, I noticed this
tiny little scamp misbehaving.

And if you do this for me,

I promise that I will never
ask for anything

ever, ever again.

Oh, my God.

And two more oscars and eternal youth.

"Victoria laughed, for she hadn't a doubt

"that the party would end
when the power went out.

"On her skinny-ass legs,

"she skipped home in a trice,

"believing that God chose
to take her advice.

Then from out of the house
there arose shouts of glee."

Why on earth would they laugh
when they don't have TV?

"and out in the cold,

she felt kind of jerky."

Maybe, just maybe,

I've been the jive turkey.

Now do the scene from the end of the movie.

I can't do it alone.

Who wants to play Teena?

Nobody plays teena fazio but me.

Teena, you came back, girl.

And I'm gonna marry you, Leroy,

even though my parents say
you don't have enough money.

Didn't I tell you?

I just won the lottery.

Looks like we can have
what we always dreamed of.

A disco Christmas

and a funky new year.

That was great.

Oh, we're so glad you came back.

It wouldn't feel like
Christmas without you.

- The power's back on.
- Oh.

Victoria, can we watch the movie?

Yeah, let's all laugh at me.

You know, it's Christmas
morning in England right now.

I think your daughter
might like a call from you.

I think your mother
might tolerate a call from you.

Any plans for new year's Eve?

Nothing you'd approve of.

Care to join me?

Sounds dreadful.

I'll be there.

Shut up, British people.

The movie's starting.

I just got off the phone with my mother.

We actually had a nice talk.

I said I wanted a mother-free Christmas,

but turns out, I miss the old boot.

And I wanted to be free ofdisco Christmas,

but that's because I never watched it.

Turns out I'm wonderful in it.

And I talked to my kids,

and they miss me so much, they're having

a terrible Christmas with
their girlfriend and boyfriend.

- Oh, you must be so happy.
- Aw.

I am.

It's official.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Oh, our first Cleveland Christmas together.

There is no place I would rather be.

Sleigh bells.

Maybe it's Santa.

No, that's my new timer.

Still way off.

Merry Christmas, Elka.

Merry Christmas, ho-ho-hos.

"So the message I have
for each girl and boy

"is God bless us, everyone.

All except Joy."

Elka!

Ah, what the heck? Joy too.

Merry Christmas and a happy new year.