Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 6, Episode 6 - Out of Our Minds - full transcript

"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded

in front
of a live studio audience.

You know, I've never been
to a vodka tasting.

Do you sip and spit?

And waste good vodka?

Just swallow.
That's my motto.

Don't you dare.

Unlike your boyfriends, Joy,
I don't swing at the easy ones.

Mmm.
This stuff is great.

When are you
shooting your commercial?

Next week.



Victoria Chase for Paleo Vodka.

The vodka the cavemen drank.

Cavemen didn't drink vodka.

Well, you were there.

Elka, the mayor is out there
sitting alone.

You invited him over here
so you could make nice.

But I hate him.

We'll just end up fighting.

Oh, take this.

Nothing solves fights
better than alcohol.

This is a little heavy.

Lighter now.

There's no reason
we can't be nice to each other

for one night, Mr. Mayor.



No reason at all, Councilwoman.

Your speech today was...

almost interesting.

And your rebuttal...

almost made sense.

Hey, guys.

Owen, I see you've met
my boyfriend, Jack.

I've never met an Owen
I didn't like.

And I've met over two Owens.

How did you get to be
so adorable?

Might be because I'm descended
from kittens.

Isn't he the cutest?

He's right up there.

I think I'm gonna go
talk to my mother.

Hi, honey.
So, how's things with you?

Have you asked Debbie out yet?

First of all, Mom,
stop saying her name that way.

Like what?
I'm just saying Debbie.

Is she pretty?

Yes, she's pretty,
but I work with her.

I want to take my time.

You're right.
Don't rush.

Maybe tonight you'll meet a girl
at this party.

Looking good, Owen.

Fine.
I'll ask Debbie out.

Well, it's been
an exciting evening, everyone,

but it's getting late.

I do have a long drive home.

It's funny because he only lives
across the street.

I'll see you in a little bit.

It'll seem like
a long bit to me.

Seems like a long bit
to all of us.

What a fun evening.

Oh,
and don't you just love Jack?

Absolutely.

Adore him.

I know.
He's sweet, right?

Crazy sweet.

Sickeningly sweet.

And the two of them together
makes my teeth hurt.

Oh.
It's like sugar dating syrup.

It makes me want to throw up...

my hands in the air and be
so happy for Jack and Melanie.

Aww.
Thanks.

Oh.

You know, I am so pleased about
my Paleo Vodka endorsement.

I was disappointed not to be
the UNICEF ambassador, but...

in some ways, vodka ambassador
helps far more people.

- Oh, it does.
- It so does.

It's gonna be great.

It's gonna be a disaster.

She never reads her contracts.

She just signs them,
and the next thing you know,

she's in North Korea singing
"Happy Birthday" to Kim Jong...

un, deux, trois, quatre.

Yes, they're all here.

Oh, it's Dwayne.

He's flying in tomorrow
to do my hair.

Thinking of going blond.

- Exciting.
- Fabulous.

It's never gonna happen.

Who's she kidding?

I mean,
for as long as we've known her,

she's had the same hair...
she is!

We were just saying how gorgeous
you are gonna be blond.

Oh, totally.

Okay, well, I'm off to get ready

for my big romantic evening
with Jack.

I'm gonna stay over
at his place tonight.

So, as they say
in New Zealand...

G'night, ladies.

I'm off to have g'sex.

- G'brilliant.
- G'wonderful.

G'snore.

How boring is that sex gonna be?

I know.
It's same with same.

It's like yams having sex
with sweet potatoes.

The last thing you want is two
nice people doing it politely.

Vanilla on vanilla
is the worst sex of all.

Is that vanilla I smell?

Yes.
It's my scented candles.

They're called "Vanilla Escape."

Mm.

Not too overpowering, though.

Nothing worse
than over-scented candles.

Apart from maybe
war and poison spiders.

So, may I kiss you now?

Asking for a kiss...
It's like sixth grade.

What next?

"Would it be all right

if I unhook
the back of your brassiere?"

Everything all right?

Oh, uh, yeah.
Yes.

I-I was thinking

how lovely it would be
to have some music.

Great idea.

What are you two doing here?

We're in your head.

Prove it.

Right now you're thinking,

"I knew
I was having sex tonight.

Why didn't I shave my legs?"

Oh, my God, you are in my head!

Why?

We just popped in to watch you
have vanilla sex.

Well, I am gonna kiss him,

and it is gonna be so hot
that when I open my eyes,

you two will be gone.

Are you sure you're all right?

You seem a little distracted.

No. No, no.

Let's just have that kiss.

Okay.

Wow.

- Still here.
- Still here.

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

You guys ruined sex for me.

What are you talking about?

Jack and I didn't have sex
last night

because the two of you
were in my head.

Why were we in your head?

Because I overheard you talking

about how vanilla
our sex was gonna be.

I would never talk
about the two of you

behind your back like that.

Unlike the two of you,
I'm a good friend.

Really?

Are you the good friend who said
Victoria will screw things up

because she never
reads contracts?

What?
Melanie!

Well, you said
Joy never changes her hair.

- Victoria!
- Oh, please.

Melanie will have interesting
sex before you go blond.

Victoria!

So...

I slept with the mayor.

You said you invited him over
last night

to find common ground.

We found common ground...

In bed.

But you disagree on every issue.

That's what makes it hot.

You are a councilwoman.

You cannot sleep with the mayor.

Olivia Pope
sleeps with the President.

On "Scandal,"
which is a TV show.

Used to be.

Now it's real.

What if this gets out?

Your supporters like that
you actually oppose the mayor.

And when there were rumors
about him and the treasurer,

you told The Plain Dealer,

"Anyone dumb enough
to sleep with the mayor

doesn't deserve to be
in public office."

I could see where that
could come back to bite me.

So you'll break it off?

Fine.

I'm gonna have to delete
some stuff from the cloud.

Victoria, we are so excited
here at Paleo Vodka

to have you as our spokesperson.

Let's sign these contracts.

Glad to, but first,

I've had issues
with contracts before,

so I must read this
very carefully.

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

You're not really reading.

You're just furrowing your brow
and making "mm-hmm" noises.

Hey!

Is there a problem?

No.

I've read all the words,
and it appears to be in order.

Pen, please.

Great.

And good luck
with survival night.

The what... what, now?

Survival night.

You spend 24 hours in a cave

surviving the elements,
caveman-style.

It was all in the contract.

Of course it was.

- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.

We're reading all the words.

So... same old, same old?

Actually, I was thinking...

No.
Just the usual, please.

Okay.

"I'm Joy Scroggs, I am,

and I never change me look."

"I like things

the way they are, guv'na."

I sound nothing like that.

Dwayne, I want to go blond.

Not just blond.
Platinum.

I'll get the bleach.

Hello, stranger.

I know.
It's a bit different.

The stylist thought
it would be better

if my eyebrows and eyelashes
matched, but I...

No, no, no, no, no.
You got to get out of here.

You look like an albino,
and Debbie's coming.

So? What does Debbie
have to do with this?

That.

Why didn't you tell me
she was an albino?

Because I didn't know
you were going to be an albino.

Besides, it sounded racist.

- Is it a race?
- Shh.

Hey, Owen.

Debbie this is my mom, Joy.

Hi.

Don't worry.
This was a mistake.

Be back to normal soon.

Not "normal."

You look normal...

if normal is
incredibly beautiful.

Gosh, I'd go out with you if...

If you weren't dating my son
and I was gay and you were.

Why doesn't somebody else talk?

You know, I'm getting kind of
a weird vibe here, Owen.

I'll see you back at work.

So...

anyone else at the office
you like?

Elka, are you breaking up
with me?

Don't act like
it was more than it was.

We were just
enemies with benefits.

You're right.

It's best
for both of our careers.

No more...

sexy texts
during council meetings.

No more letting our hands

linger on the shovel
at ground-breakings.

Go now.

Don't look back.

Wow.
You really did it.

Yes, but only because you
and Victoria were in my head.

And then I saw Owen, and he
was on a date with Debbie.

- Yay!
- No, Melanie.

Not "yay."

Debbie's an albino.

Oh, my God,
and you look like an albino.

Did she notice?

Yeah, she did.

Oh, my God.

I know.
My hair.

Joy, this is not about you
and how terrible you look.

I have to sleep in a cave

because you two said
that I didn't read contracts.

Oh, how the hell
am I gonna survive in the wild?

I can barely make it
through a night at the Radisson.

See, this is the problem
with women living together.

We're in each other's heads.

Our mind cycles are synced.

You're right.
We have PMS.

Persistent mental...

something.

What do we do?

What women
have done for centuries...

Drink, eat chocolate, and try
to stay away from each other.

And stay away from me
while you're at it.

Wait.
Whose head is she in?

Hi, I'm Bear Thomas,
and this dark, damp, remote cave

is gonna be Victoria Chase's
bedroom for the night.

All that stands between her
and the elements

is a sleeping bag
and a bottle of Paleo Vodka.

- I'm gonna leave her now.
- What?!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You have to protect me
against all this nature.

The whole point of the promotion

is you here
against the elements.

The good news is, all the bugs
in this cave are edible.

Oh, and the bats won't come out

unless you make a sudden
movement or scream in fear.

See you tomorrow.

Oh.
I'm so alone.

The only voice in my head
is my own,

saying, "Why didn't you read
your contract?"

Oh, I wish
Melanie was in my head.

She'd know what to do.

Hey, how come you didn't
want me in your head?

Because I'm better in a crisis.

If you can't drink it
or sleep with it,

you don't know what to do.

Good one, Victoria.

That was my line.

No, but I'm the one
imagining you saying it.

Now... help me.

How am I gonna get
through the night?

You're an actress.

An
Academy-Award-winning actress.

Oh, I never get tired
of thinking it.

Just act like
you're not in a cave.

You're in the cave room
of an exclusive outdoor spa.

Gwyneth tried to book it but was
told you were more important.

There's nobody here to impress,

so you don't have
to pretend to read a book.

And instead of cucumber water,
you have...

Vodka.

Oh, I like the way I'm thinking.

I am so sorry
about the other night.

That's okay.

Believe it or not, I have
not had sex with women before.

Do you want to come around
again tonight

for a nice evening in?

Or...

we could be naughty and do it
right now in the bathroom.

The bath...

The bathroom?

I've never done it
in public before.

Back in New Zealand,
I had a sensual encounter

at a bus stop once.

But it was interrupted by sheep.

Meet me
in the handicap bathroom.

Five minutes.

Sounds naughty.

Oh, super-naughty.

Because if we get caught
in the handicap bathroom,

we have to pay a fine.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, how do you make
a bathroom sexy?

I wish Joy were here.

Why did you think of me first?

Exactly.
I've had sex in bathrooms.

Yeah, but admit it...

You think of Joy first.

What are you doing here?

I just came by to say that.

Okay, you guys, what do I do?

Well, first of all,
you have to be drunk enough

to forget
you're in a public bathroom.

I'm not drunk.
It's lunchtime.

Oh, Melanie, this isn't you.

And not being yourself
is the worst sex of all.

I thought you said nice sex
was the worst sex of all.

What do we know?
We're not nice.

We've never had nice sex.

Maybe it's good.

It is good.

Ooh, roomy, isn't it?

Lots of space for sex.

And, of course, bacteria.

Jack, I'm sorry.
This isn't me.

And I'm... I'm sensing
this isn't you either.

- Mm.
- And not being yourself

is the worst sex of all.

Well, actually, not having sex
is the worst sex of all.

- Shall we go back to my place?
- Yes, please.

And if you still want
to spice things up,

I do have a scented candle
called "Moroccan Sundays,"

which would be rather naughty
to light, as today's Tuesday.

Hi, Debbie.

I need to talk to you.

Oh, my God.
How did you know I was here?

I've been following you
all day...

but not in a creepy way.

How is that not creepy?

Because my son needs
a companion Saturday nights,

and it can't be me anymore.

Look...

I've texted Owen.

He's on his way here.

And I was hoping
to smooth things over with you

so you'd give him
another chance.

No, you are crazy.

Leave me alone,
or I'm calling the police.

You don't have to do that.
I'm leaving.

You can't give up like that.

Have some confidence.

Now get back in there,
and do what I do with my kids.

When we've hurt each other,
we start all over again

and do it the way
we wish we'd done it.

We call it a do-over.
This one time with Jenna...

You do realize that
you can make her stop talking

at any time.

Hello.
I'm Joy Scroggs.

What are you doing?

I'd like to try a do-over.

I'm sorry for the way
things started with us.

My son really likes you.

He says every other woman
pales in comparison to y...

Not "pales."

Look, Owen is a great guy,

and you should give him
another chance.

Mom, what's going on?

Debbie, I am so sorry.
This woman is crazy.

Oh, she is crazy,

but she also said that I should
give you a second chance.

And besides, a nice guy like you

shouldn't be spending all of his
Saturday nights with his mother.

Wha...

You told her that?

Would you like
to join me for a drink?

I would.

Oh, this is so cute.

Mom.

Going.
Totally going.

But so cute.

You know, Joy,

I'm really starting
to get used to the hair.

I'm loving it.

I'm changing it back tomorrow.

- Oh, thank God.
- It's hideous.

Grow your mustache out,
you'll look like Mark Twain.

So...

how'd things go with Jack?

Well, my friends,
there is a reason that vanilla

is the most popular flavor
of ice cream in the world.

How many scoops?

Elka!

Oh.

- Oh.
- Hello.

I have some urgent city business

to discuss
with the councilwoman.

So, what's
the urgent city business?

I miss you.

I miss you, too.

Just doing our jobs,
serving the people?

That's boring.

It's "Scandal" without the sex.

Who's watching that?

I'm not.

Can we get back together?

Don't do it, Elka.

Think of your career.

It'll end in tears.

What do you think?

Go for it.

Those women are idiots.

I don't like Joy.

None of us do.

Let's do it... for Cleveland.

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Hey! ♪