Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 6, Episode 10 - We Could Be Royals - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

Guess what Madonna, Jamie Lee Curtis, and I

have in common.

Slept with Warren Beatty?

- No.
- Peaked in the '80s?

No, stop guessing.

We're all celebrities

who are also children's book writers.

You've written a children's book?

"Have written," "will write,"
what's the difference?

The important thing is,
we're doing this together.



You want me to work on your book with you?

Work with me, work instead of me,

what's the difference?

You know what? I'm in.

I've always wanted to write
a children's book.

Oh, I used to love
making up stories for my kids.

Oh, me too.

My favorite was, "mommy loved you"

"in the school play,

"but you didn't see me

because I was in the very last row."

Oh, I told that one again and again.

Oh, my God.

I just found out my sister's
coming to Cleveland.



You have a sister?

She's been a nun for the last 20 years.

She's nothing like me.

Well, you both spend
a lot of time on your knees.

Actually, she's decided
to leave the convent.

Wow, that's gonna be
a big adjustment for her

out in the real world.

Poor, poor Jill.

She's always been a bit of a mess.

Clumsy and mousy,

looking to her beautiful, glamorous sister

for protection.

Oh, the beautiful and glamorous

do bear a lot of responsibility.

You know, responsibility
was actually the theme

of my radio show yesterday.

- Did anybody hear it?
- I did.

But you didn't see me

because I was in the very last row.

As your assistant,
I'm running out of excuses

for why you're not
at city council meetings.

What did you tell them today?

That you were on a fact-finding mission

to find the best beer in Cleveland.

Well, you weren't lying.

Well, everyone's excited
about the party you're hosting

for our sister city in england,

and you know what's fascinating?

Our sister city is also called Cleveland.

I do know what's fascinating,

and that isn't it.

Now, the guest of honor
is the Earl of Cleveland.

We need to go over protocol,

so you don't create
another international incident,

like you did with
that German mayor last month.

What incident? I was making a joke.

You put a comb under your nose

and goose-stepped behind him.

I may have been testing beer that day too.

Elka, mamie sue,

this is my sister Jill.

- May we?
- Of course.

This is from that gentleman at the bar.

Wow.

Men have always found you irresistible.

Probably 'cause she doesn't resist.

Actually, growing up,

even if she was with a boy she liked,

she'd always look out for me.

But any time I took a tumble,

she'd be right there to pick me up,

dust me off, and say,
"on your feet, cabbage,"

and then she'd punch whoever laughed at me

in the throat.

May I ask why you quit being a nun?

Is it because you're a flibbertigibbet,

a will-o'-the-wisp, a clown?

I didn't feel I had the calling anymore,

so I left.

I bet that raised a lot of eyebrow.

What? Am I the only one who sees it?

Elka, that is exactly the kind of joke

you can't make at the party
for the Earl of Cleveland.

The Earl of Cleveland is coming here?

Percy Lennox-Gordon.
47th in line to the throne.

Would you like to come to the party

we're throwing for him?

Yes! And who knows?

Maybe he sees me. I see him.

One thing leads to another,

and 46 unfortunate accidents later,

I'm queen of england.

I don't think I want to come.

I'm not very good at parties.

Oh, poor Jill.

I'll make sure you have a good time.

You can borrow my clothes,

and maybe we can take care
of some of this too.

Elka and I are going to the beauty salon.

You can come with us.

That's a great idea.

I almost became a nun,

but then I learned that those big hats

don't really make you fly,
even on a really windy day.

And I liked sex with men.

Okay, even though it's a children's book,

there is a lot to do.

Once we come up with our idea,

we're gonna have to do an outline,

first draft, second draft,

and then we should be done in six months.

That's great. It's due Monday.

What?

And the editor's coming by today

to see what we've got.

- What?
- Don't act surprised.

We've had a whole year
to come up with something.

What?

You have had a whole year?

No, we have had a whole year.

I told him that I've had
a collaborator all this time,

you know, to put him at ease.

He thinks that actors are lazy
and unreliable.

When will that stereotype end?

Is Jill back from her makeover?

- No, not yet.
- Poor thing.

Hope she's not expecting a miracle.

- How do I look?
- Whoa.

Oh, my goodness. Jill!

Joy, dear, you'll want to see this.

Holy...

[Upbeat music]

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

Hello, all.

- Where's Joy?
- Coming!

Oh, my. What did the doctor say?

Oh, it's not bad.

Just have to use this for a couple of days.

Remember when we were kids
and I'd follow you

wherever you went on my scooter?

Now you have the scooter.
It's like we've swapped places.

It's funny, isn't it?

Yes, very funny.

[Laughs forcefully]

That's not your normal laugh.

Yes, it is.

[Laughing forcefully]

[Crying]

Now, Elka, here's a list
of the British dignitaries.

[Laughing] Whoa.

These are some goofy names.

Elka, class and rank
are incredibly important

to British nobility.

Let's say there's a tornado,

and you're with a baron
and a gentleman of the gentry.

Who do you bring to the storm cellar?

- The baron.
- Correct.

Have you been studying?

No.

I'm just not spending a night in a basement

with a gentleman.

I'm so nervous.

You know, in the convent,
flirting was frowned upon.

Actually, frowning was frowned upon.

Poor Jill. Poor, poor Jill.

Where are our drinks?

I'll go check.

Hello.

Can I buy you a drink?

What the...

oh!

Oh, God! It's filthy.

All those men were fighting over

who could buy me a drink.

Oh, what happened to your eye?

I got lemon juice and grease in it.

Oh, poor Joy.

Poor, poor Joy.

Wonderful evening.

Have you ever had five men buy you drinks?

Please, I've had six, often seven.

[Siren wails]

Just let me do the talking.

I've flirted my way
out of dozens of tickets.

What seems to be the problem, officer?

Your blinker's been on
for the last 5 Miles.

I'm sorry, officer.

We're trying to get to the hospital

for my poor sister's eye.

Wow, you have a beautiful accent.

- Oh.
- We have the exact same accent.

Would you like an escort to the hospital?

No, we're fine.

We have an excellent navigation system.

I'll let you go with a warning,

but drive safe, okay?

You're carrying precious cargo.

[Gasps]

Did I just flirt my way out of your ticket?

[Laughs]

Thrilling.

You don't seem very happy for me.

Of course I am,

although, thinking about it,

being hot isn't for everyone,

which makes me wonder if, on some level,

you wouldn't be happier
back in the convent.

But I don't want to go back to the convent.

I'm having fun.

Maybe, but it doesn't suit you.

Oh, my goodness, you're jealous

'cause I'm blossoming and you're wilting.

You just can't stand the idea

of not being the prettiest woman
in the room.

Well, you know what?

You're not even
the prettiest woman in this car.

That couldn't be further from the truth!

Okay, look, the editor's
gonna be here any minute.

We still don't have an idea for this book.

Don't panic. Maybe he'll be late.

- [Doorbell chimes]
- Oh, my God, he's not late.

And the advance he gave us was huge,

and we've already spent it.

What? I didn't get any money.

You've only been working here a day.

Don't get greedy.

You know what? I'll stall him.

Anderson, how lovely to see you.

This is my collaborator, Melanie.

- Hello.
- Listen.

We could do that whole dance,

but let me just bottom-line this for you.

Melanie and I just need a little...

Victoria, you better not be asking

for another extension.

You and Melanie have had two years.

Two?

Extension, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Delay this idea that is going to change

children's literature forever?

If anything, we need less time.

[Phone ringing] - Fantastic.

I want to hear it after I take this.

- Is there a place I can...
- Oh, yes.

Right down here.

Just take your time,
and while you're at it,

you might want to tighten your socks,

because they're about to get knocked off.

Why did you tell him
that we have a great idea?

Honey, what do you think,

one's just gonna walk in the front door?

And now, thanks to you,

I have to wear this stupid eye patch.

It's not my fault. Face it.

You liked me when I was mousy,

and now that that's changed,
you can't handle it.

Nonsense!

All I've ever been
is a protective big sister.

Then how come when you had
an eyebrow-waxing business,

you never got rid of my unibrow?

Why would you want me to?

So you could be sexy for God?

That's sick.

So tell me the idea.

It's a story about two sisters,

Joy and Jill.

One was mousy her whole life

because she was a mouse.

Ah!

They're both mice,

and the other mouse
was always the beautiful one.

Right, but then, they switched.

Sounds interesting.

You know, mice do well in focus groups.

Melanie and I are artists.

We don't cater to focus groups.

And how does your story end?

Well, what kind of endings
do focus groups like?

The kind that are in my hand by Monday.

Then you will have it by Sunday.

What is wrong with you?

I'm ready. How do I look?

Oh, you'll be
the prettiest mouse at the ball.

What do you mean, mouse?

Uh, nothing.

[Horn honking]

Sounds like Elka's ready to go.

- Do you need a lift?
- No, no, no.

We're gonna wait for Joy.
You go ahead without us.

So the newly beautiful mouse
headed off to the ball.

It's almost too easy.

Now, what's our ending?

We'll find out at the ball.
The Earl is there.

The two sisters will vie for him,

and then whatever happens,
that's the ending to our book.

I'm not going. Both: What?

No. No, no, no, no.

You can't let a little thing

like a scooter and an eye patch stop you.

How about this?

[Screams]

[Lisping] I knocked my crown out

trying to open my eye drops bottle.

You cannot give up.

This would be a terrible ending.

Where would Cinderella be
if she'd stayed home

and felt sorry for herself

when her sister
was off having fun at the ball?

Look at me. I'm hardly Cinderella.

Victoria, she's right.

Jill is the one that got beautiful.

Oh, that's true. You've had your time.

Jill's Cinderella now.

Shut up!

I'm Cinderella, and I'm going to the ball.

I just need you to help me

look pretty enough to capture a nobleman.

No problem.

This is gonna be harder
than writing the book.

The Earl of Cleveland
is going to be here any second.

I hope you memorized the names
of the dignitaries.

Oh, don't worry.

I made a cheat sheet.

- Oh, no.
- What?

These are my football picks.

Elka, what were you thinking?

I know. Ravens plus three?

Here they come.

- Oh, I'm screwed.
- Don't panic.

The Earl has to introduce
his people to you.

Just pay attention and repeat what he says.

Councilwoman Ostrovsky, a pleasure.

The members of my party:

Chief magistrate Martin Portreeve,

lieutenant colonel
Rodson Heathcote-Drummond,

the honorable Martin Gled-heweson,

bishop of Lichfield,

lord keeper of the privy seal
Lemonde Oswolf-sticket.

Everyone, please welcome
the Earl of Cleveland.

[Applause]

And with him plaidsy,

war man,

churchie, and...

Lemony snicket.

[Chuckles]

[Laughter]

I believe we're going to have great fun

doing business together.

[Laughs]

Gentlemen, please.

You did it, Elka. You're a hero.

Oh, save it for the real heroes,

the ravens, if they cover the spread.

Oh, you look so beautiful.

Your eye patch matches your gown.

Your gown covers the wheels
on your orthopedic boot,

and the super glue is holding perfectly

on your dead tooth.

I feel so glamorous.

Damn it. Jill's already with the Earl.

Look at her over there,

shamelessly flirting with him.

Maybe I should just go home.

No, you can't. That's quitter talk.

If you don't go down fighting,

what does that do for us?

Who look up to you.

What's the use?

Look, he's already interested in...

[shouts]

Hello.

You move like an angel,

as if you were floating across the room.

Thank you for remarking
on my grace, your grace.

Ah. Beluga, my favorite.

- I simply adore beluga.
- I adore it more.

Mm-hmm.

[Groans]

Delicious.

Poor child, have you never had caviar?

You must be so sheltered and naive.

Well, I'm certainly not as worldly

and experienced as some.

Perhaps the Earl would like to hear a story

of a woman who's been ridden by more men

than the London underground.

Or perhaps the Earl would like
to see a recent photo

of a woman with a mustache.

I'm not sure that I would, actually.

Who do you want the Earl to end up with,

Joy mouse or Jill mouse?

Of course I'm rooting for Joy.

Well, obviously I'm rooting for Joy too.

- But it's gonna be Jill.
- Totally.

I mean, we're writing a children's book,

not how Joy mouse got her groove back.

And then I said, "middleton?
I thought you said wimbledon."

[Both laugh]

Reminds me of the time I was invited

to the duchess of...

oh.

What?

Do I have something on my tooth?

No, quite the opposite, actually.

Seems you have a tooth on your something.

Oh. Excuse me, won't you?

[Shouts]

Goodness.

That woman's a bit
of a disaster, isn't she?

Perhaps you and I could go somewhere

a little more private.

[Groans]

[Sighs]

I'd love to,

but that disaster is my sister,

and she needs my help.

Would you excuse me?

- Honey, are you all right?
- Are you hurt?

I'm fine, just hideously embarrassed.

- Let me help.
- Jill, what about the Earl?

You took a tumble.

It's my turn to pick you up
and dust you off.

On your feet, cabbage.

She looks like a pirate.

All that's missing
is a parrot on her shoulder.

All that's missing
is my fist in your throat.

Jill, that's so sweet.

Let's save the smiles
till we get home, shall we?

Thank you.

There's the end of our story:

The sisters choose each other.

Oh, I love the way we write.

Thanks again for leaving the Earl for me.

Oh, well, there are dozens of royals,

but I only have one sister,

and there'll be other men.

Please tell me sex is better than caviar.

They're both better with vodka.

But if I could offer a piece
of big sister advice,

when it comes to men, be patient.

You may have to kiss a lot frogs

before you find your prince.

Pardon me.

Or not.

I believe you left your boot wheel behind.

Oh, Joy, it's like Cinderella.

Oh, sweetie,
I don't think he's here for me.

Yes, while you're both
extremely charming women...

- you don't have to.
- Right.

I thought it was very lovely
the way you left the party early

to take care of your sister,

but I wanted to get to know you better.

Would you consider joining me for a drink?

I'd love to.

Ooh, would you give me a minute?

- I'll meet you by the car.
- Of course.