Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 6, Episode 21 - Say Yes to the Mess - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

One month from today,
I'm getting married in Paris.

Why are you telling us things
we already know?

Because I love saying it so much.

And it distracts me from
my little procedure today.

Joy's getting her sixth toe removed.

It's not a toe.

It's a small nub of cartilage
with a half-nail.

I'm gonna miss Joy's stumpy little claw.

It helped me lose weight for the Oscars.

Oh, just thinking about it
killed my appetite.



Well, say good-bye.

I need my feet to look perfect

for my dress fitting this Friday.

Now, hand me that nail polish.

Just because it's being chopped off

doesn't mean it can't be pretty.

Oh, I'm so happy for Joy and Bob.

I just can't stand the idea
of her moving out.

It's funny.

I spent five years
wishing Joy would be gone.

And now you're sad?

No, I'm just telling what I've been doing.

Well, I'm sad she's going.

I am gonna miss her like crazy.



Me too.

This house is gonna seem
so empty without her.

I know.

Victoria, we can't do this.

I mean, come on.

I mean, when my daughter
went off to college,

I was so sad, I made everybody
ten times more miserable.

We have got to show Joy that
we're gonna be okay without her.

Brave faces from everybody.

Yeah, you're right.

We just need to tamp down our feelings,

and it'll be good for us too.

No, I don't like dwelling on sad things.

That's why I got divorced so many times.

Hey, you.

You ready to go to the doctor's office?

No, I want to wait until
my mother gets here.

And fair warning; she's
gonna be even meaner than usual.

Her boyfriend Daniel
just broke up with her.

So you sent Bob to the airport
to deal with her?

Well, it was either him or me,
and I didn't want to do it.

Hello, everyone.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hello.

Joy, I was telling Philipa
I'm not just gaining a wife,

but a beautiful mother-in-law as well.

Oh, you.

Well, Rejoyla,

your future husband
is not what I was expecting.

He's not drunk or in prison.

Philipa, why don't I take
your bags to your room

so you can freshen up?

Oh, what a gentleman.

Oh, Joy doesn't deserve you.

Wouldn't it have been easier for your mom

to just join us in Paris for the wedding?

Yes, but my mother's never been easy.

So you must get it from your dad.

I am sorry, Joy.

There is nothing worse than a
parent showing up unannounced.

Hello, ladies.

Daddy.

What are you doing here?

Don't you mean, who is he doing here?

Wait... wait a minute.

You mean to say that you
and Elka have been...

and you didn't think to mention this?

We were doing some unmentionable things.

(Victoria) Oh, God.

I've also been seducing Elka
with my culinary skills.

Anyone else for Eggs a la Alex?

No, thanks.

Just the thought of you and Elka

has replaced Joy's extra toe
as my appetite suppressant.

Then, my darling,
we shall just feast alone.

- Mwah.
- Oh, I can't wait.

I've gotta dump your dad.

[upbeat music]

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

Doctor said she'd be up and on
her feet by the end of the day.

Oh, so she won't need
all these painkillers, right?

I may need some to deal with my father.

Has Elka gotten around
to breaking up with him yet?

Well, she was going to.

But then she tasted
his sweet-and-sour meatballs.

Oh, can you believe our sweet
little Joy is moving on?

Oh, we have had some good times together.

[sighs]

It is gonna be so sad walking
past this empty room.

No, Victoria.

We swore that we would tamp down
our sadness for Joy's sake.

No, you're right.

We just have to act as if we're
happy that she's leaving us.

Oh, hey, you.

Are you awake?

What are you talking about?

Oh, nothing.

We were just talking about
how excited we are

that you're getting married.

Yes, and how exciting it's gonna be

to have an extra room in the house.

Good point, Victoria. Ooh!

What shall we do with this room?

Well, we have talked about
starting an extra shoe room.

That's a great idea.

Yes.

See, Joy, great news for everybody.

Ah. There's our little patient.

So how are you feeling?

Good. Where have you two been?

I took your mom to the import store

so she could buy you some Marmite.

Marmite?

It's a healthful yeast by-product.

Rejoyla loves it.

No, I don't really like it.

You don't know what you like.

Why are you still in bed?

Well, the procedure was just
a few hours ago.

The doctor said she should rest.

Oh, rubbish.

When I got rid of my sixth toe,

I simply wrapped a rubber band around it

until it fell off like a lamb's tail.

I may never eat.

Why don't we give Joy and Bob
a few minutes alone?

Thank you for taking care of my mother.

I enjoy her.

My Canadian politeness is the perfect foil

for her British imperiousness.

We British aren't imperious.

And I'm too Canadian to disagree.

Well, my advice to you is to
compliment her and feed her gin,

and everything should go well.

Oh, I'm so happy
I have you to deal with her.

Well, then why do you look so sad?

Melanie and Victoria don't seem
too upset that I'm moving out.

In fact, they seem excited
to be taking over my room.

Well, that's good, Joy.

The last thing you want
is for people to be sad.

I suppose you're right.

In fact, move in with me right now.

Rip the Band-Aid off fast.

You know, when I moved out
of my parents' place,

I did it swiftly so
there would be no hard feelings.

You were 34.

33 1/2. Don't make me seem like loser.

Alex, we need to talk.

One moment.

I'm gonna check on my baby backs.

Are those hickory-smoked?

You know your ribs.

Of course, it takes a great rack
to know one.

Now, what did you want to tell me?

Oh, it can wait.

Is it such a burden for Joy to
wear the Scroggs family veil?

Yes, it smells of camphor
and lacerates the skin.

But marriage isn't meant
to smell nice or feel good.

Important words to hear
on the verge of my wedding.

Thank you.

It's so nice to feel appreciated.

I think perhaps
what I'm really upset about is

that Joy hasn't apologized to me yet.

For what?

That she's getting married in France.

And?

She knows perfectly well
that Daniel, my ex,

broke up with me in a French restaurant.

Well, let me apologize
for both of us and for Daniel.

I'm ashamed of my sex, knowing
there's a man out there

who gave up such a gorgeous woman.

Oh, Bob.

Something so charming
about a man apologizing.

They say when you're with a woman,

you should look at her mother if you want

to know what lies ahead.

And when I look at you,

I see my future in your eyes.

And I like what I see.

You are a flatterer.

Oh, it's not flattery if it's true.

Hey, why don't I get us another
round of these gin martinis?

Oh, you've got an eyelash there.
Let me get that.

So, Daddy, about you and Elka.

Oh, she's a real tomato.

And speaking of tomatoes,

I was thinking of preparing my
special three-day chili for her.

Three days?

That's sounds like a pretty big commitment.

How long does a sandwich take?

Victoria, I was hoping
to speak with... oh, hello.

Hello.

Alex Chase:

Victoria's father, Elka's lover.

Philipa Scroggs:

Joy's mother and recipient
of too much information.

Nothing sweeter than the musical
lilt of an English accent.

Would you like to join us for dinner?

I've got some ribs warming in the oven.

No, thank you.

I prefer my meat the English way,

with the color boiled out of it.

Ah.

Ladies, excuse me.

Oh, I feel terrible.

Oh, don't worry about Daddy.

He takes everything as a compliment.

It's a Chase family trait.

No, not him.

There's something weighing on my heart,

and I need to tell someone.

Oh, of course, Philipa.

What is it?

I think I'm in love Bob.

You're in love with Bob,
your daughter's fiancé?

Oh, it's so wrong.

I just can't help myself.

All right.

I won't tell anyone about this
and neither should you.

You just have to tamp down your feelings.

And you can hide them
by being extra nice to Joy.

"Be extra nice to Joy." Uh-hmm.

It's odd on the tongue.

Yes, I do owe her that much.

Oh, why is so hard to be a mother?

I used to ask my children's
nannies the same thing.

What's this? What's going on?

Bob packed up my stuff.

I decided to move in with him early.

What?

I mean, that's great news.

We just thought that
you weren't gonna do that

until after the wedding.

I wasn't, but why drag it out, right?

So I'll leave, and you can get
started on turning my room

into your shoe room.

That's true.

We can get started right away
on the shoe room.

Yes, let's get started on the shoe room.

And what a lovely shoe room this will be.

She's gone.

You can stop saying "shoe room."

Although, congratulations to us.

That was some pretty good
tamping down of our feelings.

Speaking of tamping down,

I'm tamping down the urge
to tell you something

I promised I wouldn't tell anyone.

Victoria, we've been friends
for over 30 years.

We both know how this ends.

All right, I'll tell you.

Philipa has fallen in love with Bob.

What?

Oh, my God.

How long have you been tamping that down?

15 whole minutes.

Look, now, she's not gonna act on this.

And the most important thing is
that Joy never finds out.

We have to make this the
happiest time of her life.

Even though she doesn't seem to care

about our feelings very much.

I know.

It's like she cut off her sixth toe,

and now she can't stop walking away.

Maybe that toe was where her heart was.

Oh, Rejoyla, a day's bed rest
has done you the world of good.

You look two to three years younger.

Thank you, Mother.

Here, let me take that box for
you, darling, put it in the car.

You rest.

Oh, and by the way, if you don't
want to wear the family veil,

that's quite all right.

Bob, you're amazing.

Well, I guess somebody heard
I did eight push-ups

at the gym today.

No.

I'm talking about my mother.

She's never been so sweet.

Whatever you're doing, keep it up.

In fact, double down and do more.

Don't you worry, Joy.

Tell your mother to tighten her suspenders.

I'm about to charm her pants off.

[crickets chirping]

You complete me.

Really?

Sorry. I was talking to the ribs.

Fair enough.

Look, Alex, this isn't gonna work.

I knew it.

It was inevitable, I suppose.

But it was a wild ride, you and me.

Me hanging onto to bronc,
waiting for that bell to ring.

And my lasso, she could only
keep you tied up so long.

(Alex) Elka?

Elka?

Oh, sorry.

Meat coma.

Well, an actor knows when it's
time to make a solitary exit.

I'll never find another woman
like you, Elka.

That's true.

On the other hand,
what do you think of Philipa?

Oh, my God, Bob.

I haven't moved out my stuff,

and they've already turned it
into their shoe room.

They're not sad I'm leaving at all.

Maybe they're just jealous
that you're marrying me.

[chuckling] Oh, Bob.

That's what I love about you.

You always make me laugh.

Right.

So how's it going with my mum?

She's not here yet.

Well, find out how long she's staying.

If it's gonna be more than a week,

see if you can entice her
into going to a hotel.

I'll do my best.

Oh, here she is.

Wish me luck.

Philipa, a vision as always.

Thank you for joining me for lunch.

I won't be staying long.

Well, then I will cherish the moments

that we do have together.

In fact, I was wondering,

how much more time will we have
you here in Cleveland?

Till the wedding, of course.

No.

Only four more brief weeks?

Well, then I'm gonna suggest

something old and unconventional.

How would you feel about
checking into a hotel?

Really?

A hotel?

I think it might make everything easier.

What do you think?

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

I'm saying I want to see you
in the best hotel room in town.

Room service, champagne,
whatever your heart desires.

What about Joy?

Oh, she'll be a little sad at first.

But I'm sure she'll come around
to accepting it.

More than anything, she wants
you to be happy, as do I.

Oh.

This is all so overwhelming.

I felt foolish having feelings for you.

Feelings?

Now I know that you share those feelings,

I'm over the moon.

But...

It will be difficult dealing with Rejoyla.

But let's not worry about that now.

Oh, Bob, you make me feel so alive.

I'm going to pick up something disgraceful

at Victoria's Secret.

Joy, do you need any help in there?

No, no. I can do it myself.

By herself.

Well, I guess she doesn't need
us at all anymore.

No, no. Tamp, tamp.

We can feel those feelings
but we can't say them.

(Joy) I'm ready.

(Victoria) Aww.

[gasps] Oh.

Oh.

You look beautiful.

I hate you.

What?

I couldn't hold it in anymore.

You didn't hold it in at all!

And I hate you too.

Why?

Because you're leaving us,
and you don't care.

I don't care?

You're the ones who don't care.

You couldn't wait for me to go

to make more room for your shoes.

I hate both of you.

But we only acted like that

because you were acting
like you couldn't care less.

I was tamping down my feelings
for your sake.

We were tamping down
our feelings for your sake.

We don't hate you. We love you.

And you look so beautiful in your dress.

I love you too.

[all crying]

[cell phone pings]

Oh, there's your phone.

It's your phone. Get it.

Oh, it's my mother.

"On my way over.

Have something awkward to discuss."

Oh, my God.

That's British for
"I'm about to ruin your life."

Wait, what if she's sick?

I can't stand her,

but I don't want something bad
to happen to her.

She's in love with Bob.

I'll kill the bitch.

(Philipa) Rejoyla, prepare yourself.

I'm going to make a scene.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, you look stunning.

You're the most beautiful bride
I've ever seen.

Thank you.

That's a very sweet thing to say.

But I believe you came here
to tell me something.

Yes, I did.

But looking at you now,

I realize what I wanted to say is...

I'm a silly old fool.

What are you talking about?

Oh, I've been in a bad place

ever since Daniel broke up with me.

I've been lonely and vulnerable,

and it's led me to some
very peculiar behavior.

(Bob) Joy, are you in there?

Bob, you can't come in here.

You can't see the dress.

(Bob) I'll cover my eyes.

Joy, I need to talk to you
before your mother gets here.

Hello, Bob.

Ah!

Joy, what did she say to you?

I didn't say anything to her.

But I want to say something to you, Bob.

You shouldn't love any woman but Joy.

She's strong and brave,
and you're lucky to marry her.

And if you say or do anything to hurt her,

I'll rip off your head
and spit down the hole.

I love Joy.

I'll never do anything to hurt her.

See that you don't.

Good-bye, Bob.

So, Joy, how much do you know?

I know that my mother fell in love with you

because I made you be extra nice to her.

And nobody can resist your charms

when you're turning them on.

Well, that was easy.

I didn't think I'd get out of
here without a bunch of yelling.

[all yelling at once]

Ah, there it is.

I am so glad you decided not to move out

until after the wedding.

Me too.

Now, we can do this the right
way: in slow, painful stages.

[chuckles]

Yeah, I'm really gonna miss coming
in here and just sitting with you.

This room does have a lot of memories.

Especially that bed.

That's why I'm not sitting on it.

And we have decided to keep
your room just as it is.

You can come back and visit anytime.

Thank you for a lovely visit, Rejoyla.

I'm returning to London now,

but I shall see you in Paris
on the big day.

You're leaving so soon?

Can I at least give you a lift
to the airport?

She has one.

Daddy, that is so sweet.

Philipa has promised to give
me a culinary tour to Britain.

That should only take an hour.

That means there's plenty of time for...

How should I put this? Sex.

Let's go before I change my mind.

- Bye, love.
- Bye-bye.

He's boorish, and uncouth, and I
just might do him on the plane.

Well, I guess that worked out.

So my mum is gonna sleep with your dad.

Well, come to think of it,
he also slept with my mom.

- And me.
- Yeah.

And Joy and I both slept with Bob.

And you and I both slept with
Captain Lebeau from the ship.

And Melanie and I both slept with Kyle,

the guy who left me at the altar.

And we both slept with Mitch.

And we all slept with Sinatra.

Oh, wait, it was just me.