Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 6, Episode 22 - Hot in Cleveland: Hot Damn! - full transcript

You three don't look like
you come from Cleveland.

Uh, actually, we're from Los Angeles.

Right, and, uh, we moved here

because we were feeling invisible there.

Yeah, men... men had
stopped looking at us.

Oh, the men in L.A. don't
look at women in their 30s?

- Oh, that's so sweet!
- Oh, you think we're in our 30s?!

Smile.

[Laughs]

[Laughter]

Dial up the crazy.



[Laughs]

That is a great idea.

We must increase our bust.

This is gonna be a good show.

Melanie: Well, great.

We're in a dive bar
in Cleveland.

Look, I googled "Cleveland"
and "get hammered,"

and this is what came up.

It's one of those ideas that
you hear and you immediately go,

"oh, why hasn't anybody
done this before?

It's so brilliant and so simple."

And then you throw in Betty white,

then I think you've got a pretty
good show on your hands.

Yeah, I was up for that part.



The title got me right away...
"Hot in Cleveland."

I feel young and hot.

Like they're undressing
me with their eyes

and not finding spanx.

Kind of says to you right
there what the show is.

And if it doesn't,

it makes you curious
about what it could be.

All the men look like real men,

and the women look like real women?

And everyone's eating,
and no one's ashamed.

Hayes: I actually thought it
was really smart of TV land

to take the plunge into
original programming.

To Cleveland!

To Cleveland!

Bertinelli: They had traditionally done

all of these great reruns
of classic sitcoms.

Hayes: And so it seemed
like a perfect fit

to start a new generation
of brand-new shows

to pair with these reruns.

You know, maybe we should just forget

fixing each other up with men

and enjoy each other's company, right?

[Gasps] Ooh! Hot firemen.

It was definitely taking a chance,

but I think it was a very wise one.

- You just gave that whole speech about...
- Shut up, Joy.

Milliner: And if you're gonna take a
risk, why not take it with four people

that had already been on hit shows?

Leeves: The script was sent to me,

and I immediately recognized
the name Suzanne Martin,

who had been a writer on "Frasier."

So, I was very excited.

I read the script. I
absolutely loved it.

I'm gonna go talk to him.

Remember...

romantic comedies are
like cellulite cures.

Every one of them is a lie.

Oh!

Malick: The premise was intriguing,

but I thought, "I need to
know who else is in it."

Milliner: We met with Jane first. Then we
met with wendie. Then we met with Valerie.

And we started telling them all
that the other one was in.

- Exactly. Exactly.
- So we kind of lied a little bit.

This has got to be the
craziest lie you've ever told.

[Indian accent]
It gets a little bit crazier.

Bertinelli: What we came to find out is

they had said the same thing

to everybody that they were going after.

And then it all kind of came together,

and then Betty was the
final piece of the puzzle.

I remember for our first table read,

the first time we sat down,

there was this sort of
this magical feeling.

[Laughter]

And we all sort of got that
little tingle up our spines

knowing that this is something
that really could work.

White: There was chemistry between us

that just felt so right,

and it's not something you can
even pinpoint or explain.

Leeves: And then I told
him to look around,

and he found Melanie's breasts.

They do look pretty good tonight.

I mean rude!

[Laughter]

- Man: Can we have silence, please?
- We are rolling.

Here we go. And action.

To think that we spent all
that time and effort and money

trying to look 10 years younger
and 10 pounds lighter,

and all we had to do was
crash-land in Cleveland.

On the pilot, I remember
feeling the energy

and the audience connecting right away.

[Cheers and applause]

Milliner: We kind of hit
Betty right at the top

of one of her peaks in her career,

but she was just a guest
star on the pilot.

White: And I made it very clear that,

if they did get picked up,

I would not be able to do more.

So, what are you, like 100?

I don't like you.

They haven't been able
to get rid of me since.

Aren't you that girl from that show?

Yes. Yes, I am. Are you a fan?

No.

Hayes: You just know you have something

that the audience loves, that they love,

that everything's just lining up,

and that lightning in a bottle happens.

So, what should we do now?

I say we go back to that bar

where the men think we're hot.

I'll drive.

[Laughs]

[Cheers and applause]

Milliner: It came together on one night,

and then when we got the
call about the numbers...

[Cellphone rings]

Oh, my God, it's my agent.

Okay, everybody, just shut up.
He thinks I'm in Paris.

I think we were all incredibly
surprised at the ratings we got.

I mean, Valerie was saying,
"maybe we'll even get

2.5 million or 3 million or something."

I said, "oh, come on."

I know, right?!

I was tripling them, quadrupling them,

and going, "what if we
did this, you guys?!"

And then we got the
news about our numbers,

which were through the roof.

It was like beyond
anybody's wildest dreams.

Everybody's phone was
going off, off, off,

that we just crushed the numbers.

I think the show just sort
of burst out of the gates

right from the start.

A word to the wise...

a smart jockey always sits
straight up on the horse.

See, you're the jockey, and he's the...

Yes, yes, we understand. Thank you.

It's so your boobs
don't flop to the side

and get lost in your back fat.

Leeves: I hadn't seen for a long time

a group of women of a certain age

being portrayed as still
viable and sexual

and celebrated the way they
have been on this show.

It was very empowering to be a
part of something like this.

You're too old to act like this.

She's not old. 40 is the new 30.

And 50 is the new 40.

What's 80?

It's still 80.

And I still don't like you.

The perception of age is so blurred now.

Take it easy, Vic.
You look incred for [Bleep]

[Gasps]

We did see that there was a gap
in television programming,

and that was having women

that are like women all over the country

that have lives and goals
and love and dreams,

and I think that's what
we loved about it.

What happened?

We got along fine, but...

He wouldn't go downtown.

If you know what I mean.

What?

I mean, there's so many good restaurants

and... and shops downtown.

[Laughter]

We made your life better.

And you love us for it, you big softy.

I'm so glad you like us.

You think we're great.

And people wonder why writers drink.

Cadiff: What an advantage, really,

just to work with not only
four iconic actresses,

but women that were so
good at what they did.

Ooh.

My date is a plastic surgeon.

Take a look at me right now.

This is the worst I'm ever gonna look!

I think Melanie is sort of

the naive, vulnerable,
gullible center of the show.

Nobody tells Melanie Moretti what to do.

I'm out of here.

Will you put another quarter in the meter?

Oh. Yeah, sure.

Damn it!

Oh, tube tops.

Yeah, I had a back brace
and bacne in high school,

so, you know...

You couldn't wear tube tops?

No, not couldn't. Shouldn't have.

First yearbook photo to be rejected.

"Too disturbing."

Malick: I love that her
character is so sweet,

and Valerie, on the other
hand, in real life,

grew up with a bunch of boys,

and you can tell because
she swears like a sailor.

Remember that cute doctor I
met when the bar got held up

and he needed my spanx so he could...

[bleep] Me.

[Laughter]

Victoria, of course, is
that self-centered actress.

Are all actresses as
beautiful in person as you?

Sadly, no.

She always has a lifetime original movie

that she can relate to some
situation that's going on.

I know art because I
played a blocked artist

in the Lifetime original movie
"The Empty Paintbrush."

Well, I did play a homeless woman

in the Lifetime original
movie "Concrete Pillow,"

based on the novel "The Sidewalk
is my Bed" by Shazique.

God, I wish I could
remember the names of them.

They were so ridiculous.

What do we do with the body?

Exactly what we did
with the governor's body

in my Lifetime original movie

"What Do We Do With
The Governor's Body?"

Rule number one, you can't
fall in love with me.

That won't be a problem.

Joy is funny because she's so
beautiful and so interesting

and so compelling and so unlucky in love.

And think about the people
that she's been with.

Oh, God.

What an old slut.

I slept with my mother's boyfriend.

Already?!

Ironically, you know, the
most unlucky person in love

is the person who seems to
have found love in the end.

I met a man this year
who touched me deeply.

That could be half of Cleveland.

I don't know how you can
hold out till the 12th date.

I never could.

Like you ever had a 12th date.

White: Oh, well, Elka,

she's a royal pain in the... neck.

She's sort of the commentator.

I'm only famous.

You're not even that famous.

She's reached a certain age,

and she's just gonna say
and do what she likes.

I can't stand what a
smug loudmouth she is.

That's my thing.

Where's the insult?

I've got no boobs. I'm old. I'm skanky.

I'm saving those for your wedding toast.

Leeves: Betty and I always say,

underneath they have sort of a
sneaky admiration for each other

because they're both
really strong women.

I know you pretend not to like me,

but deep down, you really do.

Oh.

Oh, my God, Elka!
What did you do to me?!

I didn't ask you to hug
me, you bony nitwit!

To have that kind of timing
like she does at her age

is incredible.

I don't do fatties.

Oh, you got to front up
and bug down, bitch.

So you have to sleep with someone

because they bought you
a $40 piece of meat?

I'm a lady.

Oh, God, episodes that I love.

We do not need any guns.

[Gunshot]
Aah!

Leeves: There was one
where I shot my son

when I met him for the first time.

I'm terrified to let
him know that it's me,

so I ask Melanie to pretend to be me.

[British accent] I wish I'd
have known you were comin'.

I'd have put on a spot of tea.

[American accent] Gosh darn it,

we're happy you're here.

[British accent] I'm Lady Winchester.

We did not get through that
without just crying-laughing.

[Irish accent] I brought a wee bag of ice

for the wee one's leg.

[Normal voice] What?
We're not doing that anymore?

So, what do you guys
want for your birthday?

Why don't you all get each
other dates for your birthday?

I love "birth dates." Those are
some of my favorite episodes.

Somehow, every year, they manage
to make them more insane.

There was man boobs.

Jesus.

- Santa?
- Yes.

I knew it!

The guy with the nub.

I have no nub. I have
a grown man's tail.

How many noses does your date have?

Because mine has two.

Bertinelli: Yeah, that was the most
fun... debriefing in the bathroom.

Of course, Victoria would always
say, "oh, really, Melanie?"

This is the worst date ever.

Is it, Melanie?

Do we really want to play
who has the worst date?

I could never beat her
with the worst birth date.

I am on a date with conjoined twins.

He's a really nice guy.

I am on a date with conjoined twins.

This is, I think, what we do best.

You need to find a way to get
invited to that funeral.

Just crash it.

Malick: These shows where all four of us

are thrown into a completely
improbable situation

and just try to logically get
through it as best we can.

My God!

What on earth are you doing?

The dead lady has on my magic dress.

So you're swapping dresses with a corpse

without locking the door?

Oh, rookies.

We're doing it the old-fashioned way.

[Stammers]

Where the man is on... no.

[Laughter]

[Applause]

Oh, I'll be breathtaking. Watch this.

[Cheers and applause]

[Laughs]

Malick: People say

one of their favorite things
about coming to a taping

is when we screw up.

This is just like Brett "fav-Ra."

And fortunately, we
screw up quite a bit,

so we have a lot for them to appreciate.

You know how much
I value our friendship.

You are the wings beneath my wind.

We break each other up,
and we laugh a lot

and then get right back to business.

Honey badger don't give a [Bleep]

[Cheers and applause]

Bertinelli: We have a lot of fun.

We just have a good time.

If you don't want to have a
good time, don't come in.

I sent in a slightly
younger picture of myself.

A cave drawing?

I signed up when my
bender was ov... [Laughs]

[Laughter]

I signed up when my... [Laughs]

[Laughter]

I signed up when my bender was over.

In fact, that's my screen name...

[laughing] Benderover.

[Laughter]

He's that good. He's muffin good.

[Laughs]

Leeves: Valerie and I are the worst.

We cannot lock eyes sometimes

before we're on the floor laughing.

Well, we're just gonna
have to do for each other

what we did with the muffins.

Just eat the top?

[Laughter]

Bertinelli: When we've
done the live shows,

I've really tried to keep it together.

Live from Studio City,
this is "Hot in Cleveland."

Hello, mother.

It's your son Sally from Cincinnati.

Doing it live was such a thrill.

My God, it's like literally
being shot out of a cannon,

but I just remember thinking,
"this is for real.

You don't get a second chance."

- Who the hell are you?!
- Sally from Cincinnati.

I'm Sally from Cincinnati.

I mean, we rehearsed and rehearsed.

So, how many more buffoons
are gonna come in here

saying they're Sally from Cincinnati?

Someone say my name?

[Cheers and applause]

Leeves: The first time
we did a live show,

people didn't think it was live

because it was so smooth.

So we planted a couple of
things in the second one.

Joy and I are making love.

There's no one better to break
the women up than Dave Foley.

See, she likes to do it outdoors,

and I enjoy doing it indoors.

Leeves: I'm hanging out the window,

and I'm shaking 'cause
I'm laughing so hard.

This way, we're both satisfied.

And we're done.

And then Dave turns around
and says something to me,

and it wasn't the line
that was scripted,

and I lost it.

Melanie, did you see anything you liked?

I had to turn around so that, hopefully,

the camera didn't catch me laughing.

This set has always had the reputation

of being a really fun
and happy place to work.

Every time somebody
guest stars on the show,

they leave saying it was the
best experience they ever had.

Would you mind changing
the sheets on my bed?

I'm sorry. I don't speak your language.

Malick: We have been privileged

to watch our idols
walk through that door

and then sit down and play with us.

Drink until it makes sense.

Hayes: The list is so long.

I mean, where do you start?

It started with Mary Tyler
Moore and her whole crew.

Look at us back together.

We have had some extraordinary
talent on this show.

I mean, Carol Burnett. Come on.

Oh, my God, that hand.

It's gigantic.

I wouldn't want that
sucker inside of me.

Another one who I loved having
so much was Carl Reiner,

who is one of the kindest,
sweetest men in the world.

Bertinelli: He came and played
with Betty, and we were all like,

"can you believe we're watching
these two act together?"

I don't want to lose you,
so if you're still up for it,

I'm willing to try going downtown.

- You are?
- Yes.

Just hope I won't get lost down there.

That's, like, as good as it gets.

We get to go out and do a play
with our pals for the people,

and it's like opening
night every Friday night.

[Cheers and applause]

♪ Hey! ♪

Woman: Hi, Betty!

Get next to Betty.
Get next to Betty.

[Voice breaking] This is so exciting.

I'm in my old skanky robe.

I get really, really
amazing fan letters.

The letters I get are from women who
really do feel empowered by this.

And it's not just women my age.
It's young girls.

You know, I think it's such
a positive thing for women.

It may be weird that women
our age live together,

but I really like it.

- Me too.
- Me too.

When you really looked at
these women in the first year,

they were all about Botox

and making sure that they
had the highest heels.

Malick: You know, what we've
all come to realize is,

as important as all of this is,
it's how you feel about yourself

and how much you accept who you are

and don't get too freaked out
about the little imperfections.

There's something kind of wonderful

about accepting the age you are

and not fighting it all the time.

It certainly helped me to
feel better about myself,

and I hope it's done that
for other women, too.

You're not old. 40 is the new 25.

I thought 40 was the new 30.

Well, if we're just gonna make
crap up, I'd rather be 25.

Essentially, this show has
been about girlfriends.

It's the antithesis of what a lot of
reality shows say about girlfriends.

They say they're girlfriends and
stab each other in the back.

Aah! Aah!

This is what real girlfriends are like.

You thought Liberace was straight?

I could have turned him.

The greatest loves in each of our lives

are really each other

because we are always
there for each other.

Imagine we hadn't crashed here

and our flight had taken
us straight to Paris.

We would have eaten a lot
of fatty French food,

bought a lot of discount Chanel,

and then flown back to
our empty lives in L.A.

[Sighs]

All: Discount Chanel.

Malick: It is truly a family.

We all just feel so privileged
to have had these six seasons.

Most people never get
this in a lifetime.

[Laughter]

It's been an absolute gift

to work with people I
consider my best friends.

It has been the nicest,
kindest working environment

for everybody involved in the show.

You can't do a show like this
with the rapport that we have

that it doesn't become family,

and it's tough when you know
that you're running out of time.

Milliner: I think everybody's sad.

When we're on the stage, we're
not allowed to talk about it,

especially in front of Valerie.

Shh, shh.

The show's not ending.

Show's not ending.

I know how to live in denial.

We're telling ourselves
we're gonna write a book.

There will be no book,

but it will give us a chance
to have lunch together

to discuss "the book."

Hayes: There's just a warm,
fuzzy feeling you get

when you drive on the lot

knowing you'll run into
all of these people.

And I don't want them to take
that sign down on the stage.

[Cheers and applause]

The great challenge of life is,
how do you savor every day?

We're all trying to come in
and just not miss any of it.

Bertinelli: It's been such a happy ride.

There can't be any sadness.

I mean we had the time of our lives.

For five years. Six seasons.

I really think this show will go
down as one of the ones to remember.

The relationship between us...

I think that reaches out to the audience

and that's what they'll remember.

I hope people can take away from this...
the joy that we've had here.

That's what this show is about.

Forget your troubles for half
and hour, sit down and laugh.

Who is this magical hairdresser?

We demand to know who is blowing you.

Hi, lover.

I have so many questions.

Sex is amazing.

She's half my age!

No, darling, that really
isn't that young.

- My fake age!
- Oh, my God, she's a child!

You two look ridiculous.

I tried to keep a straight
face, I really did!

[applause]