Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 6, Episode 20 - All About Elka - full transcript

(Elka)
Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front
of a live studio audience.

Hey, Nicky, can you get two
coffees for table nine?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, my God.

The new waiter
just touched my butt.

Did he walk by and sort of
causally brush it with his hand?

Yeah!

He did that to me by the bar,
twice.

He's groping us and making it
look like an accident.

Well, Joy, he probably thought
he was reaching for a mop.



Where's Tony?

Oh, my beautiful son is outside
on a business call.

Ladies, I have a major
announcement to make.

I have just been named
artistic director

of the Cleveland
Studio Theater.

- Oh!
- That's fantastic.

But you've never
directed before.

Oh, I know,
but how hard can it be?

Directing is just
telling people what to do

and sleeping with actors.

The only downside is,

I need investors for
my first production.

In the theater,
we call them "angels."

In real life,
they call them "suckers."



Ladies, I have a major
announcement to make.

The app that I developed
just sold for millions.

- Oh, wow.
- Millions?

Oh, my clever boy,
my angel...

My angel.

Well, you'll be looking
for something

to invest that money in.

Yeah, I was thinking
maybe a charity.

Charity?

Well, you can't make
any money on that.

Now, theater,

that's a sound investment.

And as luck would have it,
I am the new artistic director

for the Cleveland
Studio Theater.

Oh, I would love to invest.

Oh, that's fantastic.

I just have one
tiny condition.

I would like a part
in the play.

Oh, have you ever
acted before?

No, but how hard
can it be?

Acting is just pretending
to listen to your director

and sleeping with
the other actors, right?

Well, our next play is
Summer of the Locust

based on a Willa Cather story
about a young farm boy

who is visited by the ghost
of his grandmother.

Oh, there's an old lady part?

Yeah.

Did you hear that, Joy?

Well, we should celebrate.

Hey, Nicky, can you get us
a bottle of champagne?

Oh, yeah, of course.
Coming right up.

Thanks.

He did it again.
Okay, that's it. He's got to go.

Wait, you can't just accuse
someone of groping

without proof.

We need to go through
the security cameras

and see if we have footage
of him doing it.

Just don't look
at last Tuesday night.

But last Tuesday night
you were here with a date.

You said you'd lock up.

Wasn't that the night
we ran out of whipped cream?

And sprinkles.

[upbeat music]

♪ Ba-Ba, Ba-Ba ♪

♪ Ba-Ba, Ba-Ba ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

And into this beautiful land

I promise to return.

That was a great audition.

Elka, you nailed it.

I don't think we need to look
any further for the grandmother.

Oh, I think you do.

Grandma?

Mom,
what are you doing here?

Well, I heard about
the open auditions,

and I thought I should come down
and try out

because otherwise you might be
stuck with some local nobody.

Hello, Elka.

Hello, Penny.

Thank you so much
for warming them up.

Now it's time for
a professional actress.

You did a TV show
with puppets.

I'll have you know I can
express more with one hand

than most people can
with their entire bodies.

I can express how I feel
about you with one finger.

Elka was great.

Maybe she could be
Grandma's understudy.

So if something terrible
happened to Penny,

I'd step in?

Back off, Blondie.
I've never missed a performance.

I bet your audiences
wished you had.

The security camera
doesn't lie.

Nicky groped me
by that table

and you by the cash register.

No, don't zoom in.
Don't zoom in.

I hate my butt.

It's everywhere.

He couldn't not grope it.

Oh, shut up.

You have an amazing butt.

It's so in fashion
right now.

It's all about that bass.

Unlike my pancake ass.
I'm all treble.

Victoria,

what do you think
of our butts?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I have to get to rehearsal.

I don't have time to make up
an honest answer.

Where the hell is my mother?

Elka, would you read in
for her?

(Elka)
I'd be happy to.

It'll be nice to hear
how it should be read.

Beat it, short stuff.

Amateur hour is over.

I'm terribly sorry I'm late,

but the city is tearing up
my street suddenly.

Oh, I'm the mayor.

I'll find out
who ordered that.

I called.
They said it was you.

Well, that saves us
some time.

Okay, everybody, we are going
to start with the scene

where Phillip,
alone and desperate,

sees a vision
of his beloved grandmother

who died five years earlier.

Now, it's a very pivotal
and poignant moment in the play.

Phillip,
my darling, darling Phillip.

Grandma,
is that really you?

I can't believe it's you.

I've missed you so much.

Oh, my God.
He's terrible.

He's the worst actor
in the Chase family.

And that's saying something.

Ow. Ow. Ow.
Ow. Ow.

Stupid exercise.
Everything hurts.

It makes me long for the days

when women kept their rear ends
tucked away.

We should go back
to hoop skirts.

No one knew what the hell
was going on under there.

Sure, half of them
died in childbirth,

but at least they didn't
have to do squats.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

You know, maybe we're
approaching this the wrong way.

Maybe we need to think
outside the butt.

It's not that our bottoms
look bad;

it's the way the cameras
make them look.

You're right.

We just need to adjust
the camera angles

to make our butts
look better.

Yes, and softer focus.

A little Vaseline
on the lens

wouldn't kill anyone.

(Joy)
Hello, ladies.

Hey, how's Summer of
the Locust going?

How's Tony?

(Victoria)
Well, um,

he's a-a little raw,

a little green,
a little untrained.

He stinks on ice.

Did you tell him?

Oh, I couldn't.

He'd hate me.

So I thought of a better plan.

You do it.

I can't do it.

It would break his untalented
little heart.

Well, you never had a problem
pointing out my faults

when I was a kid.

That's different.
He's likeable.

What, and I'm not?

See?
We agree.

You know, parents
are supposed to support

and protect their children.

Victoria, I have protected you
hundreds of times.

Yeah.
Name one.

All right.

I never told you this, but your
father got a woman pregnant,

and you have a secret sister.

What?

W-who is she?
What's her name?

I don't know.

Susan someth...
Something Italian.

I don't know, but we'll talk
about that tomorrow.

The important thing is,
what are we gonna do about Tony?

You know, maybe we could
tell him he's terrible

by putting a message
in a fortune cookie.

You know, actually,
that's not a bad idea.

You know, I got one once saying
that dancing was not my forte.

Did you?

That was you?

Well, it worked.

[sighs]
So what's it gonna be?

(Tony)
♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪

♪ The pipes,
the pipes are calling ♪

Or...

we could turn this play
into a musical.

(Tony) ♪ From glen to glen,
and down the mountainside ♪

Tony, I didn't know
you could sing.

Mom, I was in the glee club
for six long years.

It makes perfect sense.

All musical talent
skips a generation.

Hey, I got that
fortune cookie too.

Sing with me.

(both)
♪ The summer's gone ♪

♪ And all the roses falling ♪

Let me know
when I can join in.

We will.

(both)
♪ It's you, it's you ♪

I am so glad
we changed the cameras.

Look how good we look.

The lighting, the softer angles,
the Vaseline...

Now they're security cameras.

Before, they were
insecurity cameras.

You know,
someone once told me

that red wine is good
for sore muscles.

That was me.

Is it true?

Does it matter?

Well, we're off.

Oh, we can't wait to see you
guys in your new play tonight.

"Summer of the Locust

presented by Olay Regenerist
Micro-Sculpting Cream"?

Your play has a sponsor?

Yes, the cast has
unusually good skin

for poor farmers
living in the dust bowl.

- Break a leg.
- Have fun.

See you tonight.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

What?
Oh, my God.

Y-yes, we'll be there
as soon as we can.

Somebody robbed the bar.

So there's no way
to identify the thief?

I mean, we're out
thousands of dollars.

Sorry, ladies,
the footage is useless.

He put Vaseline on the lens
to disguise his identity.

Pretty clever.

We thought so.

I mean, damn him!

Thank you, Officer.

What were we thinking?

First rule of
running a business:

security cameras
are for security,

not for making
your ass look great.

One day, science will invent
a camera that does both.

But for now, we should do
what we should have done

in the first place...
Fire Nicky.

All right.

(Melanie)
Uh, Nicky?

Can we talk to you,
please?

Hey, I'm so sorry
about the robbery.

Do you have any idea
who did it?

No.

But it's not about that.

We have to let you go because of
all the inappropriate touching.

I-I touched you?

Oh, my God.
Joy, he doesn't even remember.

You touched our butts,
and we have proof.

Okay, I am so sorry,
but I can explain.

I didn't know
I was touching you.

I was in a really bad
car accident with my sister

when I was a teenager.

I severed all the nerves
in my hand.

Really?

So when you put your hand
on me like this,

you can't feel anything at all?

It's the other hand.

Oh, so you were just
accidently brushing us.

Oh, my God, you have no idea
what fools we've been.

We got so obsessed about
the way our butts looked

in the security footage
that we adjusted

the camera angles
and put Vaseline on the lens.

Which is why we can't identify
the thief who robbed us.

We're so stupid.

- Ah!
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm so...
Hey!

Your hand's not dead.

You liar.

You can feel.
You were groping us.

Okay, I admit it.
I'm sorry.

I just couldn't help myself.

I mean, look at the two of you.
You're gorgeous.

And from behind,

irresistible.

I wouldn't say irresistible.

Not too flat?

Or too not flat?

Are you kidding me?

They're both perfect.

(both)
Perfect.

Anyway, now that it's all
out in the open,

obviously,
I can't work here anymore.

So...

Well, I guess
it's for the best.

Yeah, we wouldn't want
you to be tempted.

(Nicky)
Thank you for that.

And I'm so sorry
for the robbery.

Ouch. $7,000?

(Melanie)
Yeah, thank you.

Aw, poor guy.

That must have been
so rough on him,

looking at us every day
and wanting us so much.

And he felt really bad
about us losing the $7,000.

Wait a minute.

We didn't tell anybody
that it was $7,000.

Oh, my God.
He's the thief.

He's the thief
and the groper.

And we can't prove it because we
greased out the bloody cameras.

[groans]

Well,
one good thing happened.

He made us feel better
about our butts.

That's true.

And you can't put a price
on that.

Though it appears to be
about $7,000.

Poor Elka.

Ten minutes to showtime,
and I'm ready to shine.

Oh, ten minutes?

Well, then you deserve
a preshow chocolate.

[chuckles]

Nice try, honey,
but you forget,

I know every acting sabotage
trick in the book.

Oh, look at these tiny,
little pin holes.

Oh, what'd you inject them with,
sweetheart,

some kind of sleeping drug?

Either you fall asleep
or the audience does.

Face it, Elka,
you've lost.

I'm the star, and you're just
a poor, little understudy

watching from the wings.

Ah, you win.

I guess I'll go
to my dressing room

and have a cocktail.

You have a dressing room?

With a full bar.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

They wouldn't give
an understudy

a better dressing room
than I have.

Oh,

then I must have imagined
the hot tub.

(Penny)
I don't believe this.

Go in and have a look
for yourself.

Oh, I certainly will.

(Penny)
Where's the light?

Where's the...

This isn't a dressing room!

[banging]
Elka, open the door!

[banging]

Sorry, Penny.

The show must go on.

[banging]

Have you seen my mother?

I can't find her anywhere.

No.

Oh, gosh,
I hope she's okay.

Curtain is in five minutes.

You're gonna
have to go on.

I suppose someone
has to be the star.

[sighs]

[chuckles]

[light piano melody]

♪ ♪

♪ A thousand stars
will soon appear ♪

♪ And yet,
not one to guide me ♪

♪ If only dear Grandma
was here ♪

♪ To calm the fear
inside me ♪

[off-key]
♪ I'm here, Phillip ♪

♪ I see you, Grandma ♪

(Penny)
Hold it!

[music stops]

I'm here, Phillip.

I see two grandmas.

That's right.

♪ Now, what's ailing ♪

♪ You-hoo-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Hoo-ooh-ooh, wha? ♪

Oh, brother.

♪ Two grandmas here
before my eyes ♪

♪ I don't know what to say ♪

♪ I'm not going anywhere ♪

♪ And I am here to stay ♪

♪ So much advice
to guide me now ♪

♪ I've got a lot to mull ♪

♪ I am such a lucky guy ♪

♪ This is wonderful ♪

This is terrible.
What do I do?

Just keep singing

and shut their windows.

♪ I realize that ghosts
aren't real ♪

Hey!

♪ These visions now have flown ♪

Hey!

♪ Whatever troubles lie ahead ♪

♪ You will not face alone ♪

Hey!

♪ I think I'm okay by myself ♪

♪ I'll never leave you,
dear ♪

♪ You'll be with me
inside my heart ♪

♪ Not talking in my ear ♪

[door rumbling]

♪ I've got a feeling
things will get better ♪

♪ Something good
is coming for me ♪

♪ Finally,
this nightmare is over ♪

♪ A life of my own
and grandmother-free ♪

- I'm back!
- I'm back.

♪ He'll never get
rid of me ♪

(both)
♪ I'm ♪

♪ We're ♪

♪ Still ♪

♪ Here ♪

[upbeat piano flourish]

Good news.
We got a big offer.

Ooh, for the musical?

Oh, God, no.
For the building.

The real estate developer
wants to turn the theater

into a PetSmart.

(Elka)
Oh, great.

Pets do more for people
than plays.

Right, George Clooney?

Well, even though
the play was a fiasco,

I've decided to keep singing.

Oh.

I've actually decided
to audition for The Voice.

Oh, good for you.

Although, Mom, I'm gonna need
a sympathetic backstory

to win over the audience.

So I was thinking of telling
them that you kept me in a cage

until I was three years old.

I like it.

Yeah.

But make it ten
and hunch a little.

We never got you
a bigger cage.

What about you two?

Are you gonna continue
acting?

Oh, absolutely.

In fact, the two of us
are auditioning for a play

at the community center.

[laughs]

I'm trying out
for the lead.

As am I.

And I'll probably get it
because I'm dating the director.

I am also dating
the director.

I am sleeping with
the director.

What did you think
"dating" meant?

I was being classy.

Well, I don't care.
It's good to have a rival.

Keeps you on your toes.

Oh, it does,
doesn't it?

You know, that's like me
and Susan Lucci.

That's it.

Susan Lucci.

That's your half-sister's
name.

Lucci?