Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 6, Episode 17 - Duct Soup - full transcript

(Joy) "Hot in Cleveland" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Owen, calm down.

I'm just a little tense

because I've got something
big to tell my mom.

I'm getting married.

Congratulations!

Who's the lucky guy?

Guy?
Elka, I'm not gay.

Huh.

I have a son... With a woman.

Whatever.



The thing is,
you know how my mom

and her friends do crazy stuff?

I just want to make sure
they don't embarrass me

at the wedding.

Hi, Owen.

Bob and I are going undercover
at a swingers' sex club.

Yeah, today we're not
Mom and Bob.

We're Julie and Stash.

Owen, are you okay?

Is something wrong?

I got engaged to Andrea.

That's fantastic!

Ow!

What can I do to help?
Name it; It's done.



Well, Andi's parents
are a little conservative,

so could you and your friends
not make a scene at the wedding?

Okay, got it, no scenes.

[Bird squawks]

Oh, hi, Owen.
This is Barry.

My ex-husband, Clark,
is on expedition in Africa,

so I have custody of our parrot
for a while.

Victoria, wonderful news.

Owen's getting married.

Oh, congratulations.

(Barry)
Oh, congratulations.

He repeats everything he hears.

Joy's too old
for leather shorts.

Oh, good, somebody lend me
20 bucks so I can pay the cab.

I'll explain in a minute.

Thanks.

[Knock at door]

I have a summons
for Elka Ostrovsky.

You were seen speeding

down Euclid Avenue
shooting paintballs

at women in fur coats.

That was not me.

We have your driver,
Mamie Sue Johnson's

signed confession.

My wheel man squealed.

Okay, so I meet this great guy
last night,

and I stay at his place.

And then he has to leave early,

so I go outside
to get the newspaper,

and then the door locks
behind me.

Lucky me, it's trash day,
so I just made a dress

out of this trash bag.

But don't look in the back;
There's a weird hole.

Weird hole?

Well, Owen, I see now why
you might be a little worried

that Joy and her friends will
embarrass you at the wedding.

Wedding?
You're getting married?

Oh, yay! Yay, oh.

Is your father coming?

Uh, no, I tried to reach him,

but he's embedded
in Afghanistan.

Bob, I was wondering
if you wanted to give the toast

at the rehearsal dinner.

Give the toast?

[Tearfully]
Well, I'd—I'd love to.

Oh, no.
I'm ruining my sex makeup.

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

Won't this be
a beautiful rehearsal dinner?

Victoria's picking up the ring.

Melanie's getting the cake.

Bob's flight arrives
in a few hours.

Everything is perfect.

I got the cake.

Ooh, how did it turn out?

You know how Owen's fiancée
wanted a fairy tale-themed cake

with a castle and turrets?

I'm sure it's fine.

I'm probably seeing something
that's not even there.

Oh, my God.

I was excited to see the cake,

but it looks like the cake
is excited to see me.

Hello, everyone.

Oh, wow.

Hung like a horse.

Barry!

Okay, fine.

Last night, I watched a movie
called Hung Like a Horse.

I thought it was gonna be
a Western,

but it turned out to be porn.

How long did you watch it
before you figured it out?

Two hours.

(Owen)
Mom, are you in there?

Oh, my God, Owen's here.
Hide the cake.

What's wrong with the cak—

holy crap!

Cover that thing up.

Andi and her parents
are right behind me.

Uh-oh.

Hello. You must be Andi.
I'm Joy.

Oh!

Great to meet you, Joy.

Oh, your hands are so soft.

What's your secret?

Vaseline intensive care.

Yours are so soft too.
What's your secret?

I'm 28?

Mom, these are Andi's parents,
Gerald and Maureen.

It's a pleasure.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

And these are my mom's friends.

There's Melanie and—

and Elka.

Excuse me.
Is that real fur?

Of course.
I'd never wear faux.

So tacky, right?

Super tacky.

See you tonight
at the big party.

Tonight at the big party.

Did you see that fur coat?

Why didn't I bring
my paintball gun?

Victoria?

Why did you dive
under the table?

I don't remember.
No reason.

Okay, we have a bigger problem.

I was on the elevator with Andi
a little while ago.

I didn't know it was her,

and I overheard her
telling her mom

that she's got cold feet.

What if she's calling off
the wedding?

What are we gonna do?

Absolutely nothing, that's what.

Plenty of brides get cold feet.

It's perfectly normal.

We are not going to get involved
and risk embarrassing Owen.

Agreed.

Do you know where
the nearest paint store is?

So, honey, you still
want to go shoe shopping

before the ceremony?

No, I'll wear the sandals.

They go with my dress,

and I'm not really worried
about having cold feet anymore.

Sweetheart, your flight
got in early.

[Upbeat]
Mm-hmm.

How about I come join you?

[Suggestively]
Mm-hmm.

[Chuckles]

Simon!

Hello, Joy.

What are you doing here?

Our son's getting married.

But you're supposed to be
in Afghanistan.

I know.

I thought about the whole
surprising-you-in-bed thing

on the flight over,
and it worked.

You seem surprised.

No, Simon.

I'm with someone else now.

It's Mitch, isn't it,
that handsome devil?

No, it's not Mitch.
It's Bob.

[Laughs]

Seriously?

I'm in love with Bob,

and he's more man
than you'll ever be.

You sure?

Joy, surprise.

I brought fudge
from the airpo—oh.

It's not what it looks like.

Bob, it's exactly
what it looks like.

Simon, I don't know
what you're thinking,

but Joy is my woman now,

and if anyone's gonna be in bed
with her, it's gonna be me.

Now, I suggest you leave.

I'm not going anywhere.

Oh, yes, you are.

- Oh, no, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

Stop it right now!

I can only handle one of you
at a time.

Mom?

Owen.

Look, your dad's here.

And Bob.

I can see that.

I just came by to introduce you
to Reverend Matsuta,

who will be officiating
our wedding.

Oh, my.

So typical of Simon
to appear without any warning.

Well, the good news is,
Simon showing up

makes anything else
that might go wrong

seem so small.

Why do you say that?

Okay, you know my job
was to pick up the wedding ring,

and, well, you know how parrots
are attracted to shiny things?

Barry ate the ring?

We're never gonna get it back.

Oh, don't worry.

Found the exact same ring,
same size

at a pawn shop downtown.

Andi will never know.

Look, there's even
a nice inscription.

"United in Satan."
Victoria!

Oh, I thought it said Santa.

Melanie, Elka, guess what.

Simon's back.

Really?

Well, that makes
whatever else could go wrong now

seem so small.

Why does everybody
keep saying that?

Melanie, what did you do?

I didn't do anything.

Elka, on the other hand,

snuck into Andi's mom's closet

to ruin her fur coat
with spray paint.

But because it was so dark
in there, she accidentally

spray-painted the only other
white thing in the closet.

"Murder"?
Oh, my God.

(Gerald)
Excuse me.

Ladies,
have any of you seen Andi?

My wife says she's a bundle
of nerves.

Is that
my daughter's wedding dress?

Can I take a little peek?

What?

No, no, this is a wedding dress,

but it's actually my dress
for the wedding.

You're wearing a wedding dress
to the wedding?

Now that I hear it,
it's a terrible idea.

I'll wear something else.

Disaster averted.
Thank you.

Victoria, why do you keep hiding

every time
you see Andi's father?

Hiding?
I'm not hiding.

Women went under the table all
the time in Hung Like a Horse,

and no one said anything.

Whatever head game
you're playing, stop it now.

Elka, keep your fur politics
to yourself.

And, Melanie, fix the cake.

I'll take this
to the hotel cleaners

and see if they can repair it.

Oh, poor Joy.

I wish there was something
we could do

to make up for our mistakes.

Cold feet, cold feet.

Barry's right!
Andi's cold feet.

Her dad even said
that she's got the jitters.

She's definitely thinking
of calling off this wedding.

We could really help Joy
by talking to Andi

and calming her down
and easing her through it.

But Joy told us
not to get involved.

Yes, she did.

I had a lot of wedding jitters,

but I went through with it,

and it worked out just fine.

Of course, I did
get divorced, you know,

but our marriage
had the stress of children.

Owen already has a child.

Right.

Andi, I know a little
about pre-wedding nerves.

I've been married six times.

Seven, if you count my marriage
to your future mother-in-law.

You were married to Joy?

Never consummated.

I just want you to know,
I do believe Owen is straight.

You thought Owen was gay?

Totally.

But that shouldn't even
enter your mind.

- It didn't.
- Don't let it.

Jerry, no one can know about us,

especially
at your daughter's wedding.

(Gerald)
But I don't know how long

I can keep this secret
from my wife.

Well, but if she finds out,
then the press will find out,

and then it'll be everywhere.

Okay.

Thank you.
You are a dear, sweet man.

I could kiss you right now.

[Chuckles]

And surely you understand
why this has to be a secret.

I mean, if people find out
we went to high school together,

they'll figure out my true age.

But your friends
must know your true age.

They know a true age,
not the true age.

Oh, damn it, you're dressed.

Simon, you can't keep
barging into my room.

And why are you wearing a kilt?

It's for the rehearsal dinner.

That's another thing
you and I have in common:

We both have the legs
to pull off a skirt.

Stop flirting with me.

You can't charm your way
back into my life.

I'm with someone else now.

I plan to change that.

Tonight I'm gonna
make a toast to first love,

like Owen and Andi,
like you and me.

Simon—

Joy, we're a family.

What more could a boy want

than his parents
to get back together?

Let's make this
a perfect wedding for our son.

[Phone chirps]

Oh, damn it!

The dry cleaner
can't get "Murder"

out of the wedding dress.

- What?
- Never mind.

I've got to go down there.

Simon.

Bob.

Are you coloring your hair?

That's not important.

What is important is, I heard
everything you said to Joy,

and I think
you're absolutely right.

You do?

Yes, you're her first love.

She's never gonna get over that.

It's time for me to accept
that fact and move on.

I'm gonna get dressed
and get out of Joy's life.

Oh, one more thing.

Owen's wedding ring

is in the pocket
of my suit in that closet.

Why don't you get it?

You should be the one
to present it at the wedding.

Sure.

And thank you.

[Pounding on door]

Hey, what's going on?

And I'd like to thank my mom

for a wonderful, uneventful
evening.

- Hear, hear.
- Hear, hear.

I guess all that's left
is the cake.

The cake is fine, right?

Don't worry.

I was very explicit
with the baker.

I told him absolutely
no penis on this cake.

Oh, my.

There's "Absolutely no penis"
on this cake.

I miss them too.

No, that's what it says
on the cake:

"Absolutely no penis."

Mom?

No, no, no, no, honey,
I can explain.

See, the first cake
was a fairy tale cake

with a castle and turrets

that looked like, well, penises.

But I told the baker
on this cake,

absolutely no penis,

and he, you know,
took me literally.

Well, Reverend,
I suppose there's nothing sinful

about eating a cake like that.

Just the calories.

[Laughter]

[Glass dinging]

Everyone, I know
Simon was planning

to make the toast tonight,

but he doesn't seem
to be here at the moment.

I—I guess he had
something better to do,

not to besmirch
the name of the man

who knocked Joy up
as a teenager, left her,

and returned several times
just to break her heart again.

But I digress.

To love.

(Simon) First love.
Here's to first love!

Simon?

Where are you?

(Simon)
I'm up above in the air duct!

Bob locked me in the closet,

but I burst through the ceiling
and crawled my way over here.

What a ridiculous story
from a ridiculous man.

You know,
on this happy occasion,

it's hard not to think
of the great Canadian comedian

Howard "Howie" Mandel.

(Simon) Or the great Scottish
poet Shirley MacLaine, who said:

[Speaking Scottish Gaelic]

Scottish?
Sounds like Klingon.

Joy is mine now, Simon.

She's never coming back to you.

She'll be mine again, Bob.

You wait and see.

Stop it.

You're ruining
the rehearsal dinner.

It doesn't matter.

There's not gonna be a wedding.

Andi, what are you saying?

Melanie and Victoria and Elka
came to my room this afternoon

and changed my mind
about getting married.

- You what?
- Oh, no, Andi.

We were reassuring you
that marriage is good,

because in the elevator,
you said you had cold feet.

What?

I was talking about
whether I should wear sandals

with my wedding dress,
'cause my feet might be cold.

[Together]
Oh.

Owen, the other reason I can't
go through with the wedding is,

how can I believe in marriage

when my own father is
having an affair with Victoria?

[Together]
What?

Don't deny it.

I overheard you two whispering
in the hall.

(Gerald)
Oh, no, sweetheart.

We're not—we are not
having an affair.

Victoria and I were whispering

because we went
to high school together,

and she was begging me

not to tell everyone
that we graduated in 19—

well, nice scene, Mom.

You promised
you wouldn't embarrass me.

I'm sorry, Owen.

But this time, I'm gonna fix it.

Everyone, sit down and be quiet.

Andi, you're getting married
tomorrow,

because you love my son.

But no wedding is perfect,
because love isn't perfect.

Tomorrow your dress
is going to say "Murder" on it.

And your wedding band
will read, "United in Satan."

But none of that matters,
because you're in love,

and people who are in love
should get married.

Which is why I'm not
marrying you, Simon.

I'm marrying Bob.

- You are?
- You are?

You are?

Yes, I am.

Is this a proposal?

No!

Yes.

Well, then let's do this right.

Joy...

You're the most amazing woman
I've ever met.

I love you, and I always will,

and I wish I had a ring

to put on your beautiful
finger right now.

[Bird squawks]

[Ring clatters]

Well, seems the bride's
real ring has been... released.

So I can give you this one.

Joy, will you marry me?

Oh, Bob, yes.

[Applause]

Congratulations.

Speaking of weddings,
can we get back to mine?

Does this mean
that there might be one?

Yes.

Oh, thank God,

because even though my mom
and her friends

will always be around

and no one will be more insane
than they are,

no one will ever love you
more than I do.

I love you too, Owen.

Hung like a horse.

Oh, my.

Are you okay?

I will be.

Joy'll be happy with Bob.

He's a good guy.

He is.

And so are you.

Thank you.

Well, I guess I better
get in touch with the front desk

and see about
getting a room.

I've got plenty
of room here...

Elka...
What are you implying?

I think
I'm being rather clear.

What the hell.

Let's give 'em
something to talk about.