Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 6, Episode 16 - Bad Girlfriends - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

(Male TV announcer) The Cincinnati
bengals are at their own one-yard line,

and barring a miracle, this game
belongs to the Cleveland Browns.

Well, that must make you happy, huh, Elka?

She's on the phone
with the mayor of Cincinnati.

She bet him that if Cleveland wins,

he has to wear the Browns mascot costume

for a week and dress like a dog.

I hope that costume
won't be too ruff on you.

(TV announcer) And it's Dalton
to Jones, and he's down.

No, a lateral to Bernard,



and he's up!

They're not gonna catch him!

What? No!

(TV announcer) Touchdown! It's a miracle!

The Bengals win!

The Bengals win!

That was amazing.

I mean, boo.

I guess you lost the bet, huh?

I've never been a loser before.

How do you guys do it?

[Door bell rings]

- Hi, baby.
- Hey, babe.

Oh, weird.



It's like kissing my mom.

You kiss your mom that way?

No, it's just that you're
wearing the same perfume

my mom wears.

Oh, yeah, I was at the mall today,

and some girl asked me if I like Shalimar,

and while I was trying to
remember if it was a disco band

or a perfume, she got me.

I'll go wash it off.

Don't use the kitchen sink.

It's leaking. We need to call a plumber.

(Dane) You don't need a plumber.

You got the guy right here.

(Bob) Two guys.

I didn't realize you were the handy type.

(Bob) Are you kidding?

Yeah, when I was a kid, I used to help

my dad fix stuff all the time.

So you want me to grab you a beer

or just go play in the back yard?

Isn't Bob adorable?

Oh, I'm so in love with him.

I think I'm ready to give him
the Love, actually test.

Joy, you know the reason
every guy fails that test?

It's because guys
don't like Love, actually.

Bob is not like other guys.

I believe he is the one guy

who will love that movie as much as I do.

Doesn't Bob remind you
a little bit of Colin Firth?

Yeah, you really are in love.

What a disaster.

A week before my play opens,

and my costar totally screws me
and leaves the show.

What happened?

Oh, his appendix burst.

Where are we gonna find a
masculine Stanley Kowalski type

in his 40s in such little time?

Just letting you know
I turned the water off.

And I helped out
with the whole righty-tighty,

lefty-loosy business.

Excuse me, have you ever acted?

I was the star in a nativity play once,

literally the star.

Ah, but you weren't talking to me.

Me? Oh, I haven't acted before.

Oh, but honey, you could.

You should be in Victoria's play.

I mean, you're between jobs right now,

and this might be just the thing
to get you going.

And you look like an actor.

I mean, that's half of it.

80%, really.

I'm afraid I would embarrass myself.

Come on. On my radio show,
I am always telling people,

fears about embarrassment
almost never come true.

(Elka) Not in this case.

I know I'm 18 days into a juice fast,

but is anyone else seeing Elka

in a tiger suit?

She has to dress like the mascot

of the Cincinnati Bengals for a whole week

because she lost a bet.

And I'm scheduled
to be on The Grill this week.

The Grill with Arnie McManus?

I love that show.

He's always taking politicians down.

I'm a politician, you idiot.

Well, normally I'd be upset
when someone calls me an idiot,

but in that tiger suit,
well, she's just so adorable.

Oh, it's gonna be a long week.

[Upbeat music]

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

I just came to watch.

I ordered room service.

Are you hungry?

Hungry for you.

Kiss me, Marnie.

What the...

stop it.

Your girlfriend doesn't
kiss you like that, does she?

I wouldn't be here if she did.

Their chemistry is amazing.

Everyone thinks they must be doing it.

Well, they're not
because that's my boyfriend

and my best friend.

Oh, just like in the play.

Yeah, yeah.

Just like in the play.

That was great.

Now let's go again, but remember to show

that insatiable hunger
you have for each other.

I want to see more heat.

More?

Sorry. Hi, honey.

Oh, my God, Melanie, acting is such a rush.

Yeah, yeah, but all that
kissing with Victoria,

it almost seemed real.

It was real.

I'm sorry, what?

For my character.

My character really was kissing Victoria.

But aren't you your character?

Let me explain to you
how acting works, Melanie.

My character says he's a painter.

Does that make Dane a painter, too?

No.

Until he walks out there
on that stage, and then yes,

he's a painter.

Got it, but about all that kissing.

Does Dane get sexually excited
when he kisses Victoria?

No.

But when my character kisses Victoria...

Oh, yeah.

Well, that really clears things up.

There she is.

Look at her, beauty, brains, funny.

You never get all three
in the same package.

No, you do not.

Hello, Victoria.

Can I get you a drink?

I'll have a glass of Merlot.

Okay.

Wow. Melanie, your boyfriend is a natural.

I was freaked out about opening night,

but now I can't wait.

The critics are gonna love us.

But you know, it's a little unsettling

watching someone you're crazy
about kissing someone else.

Mel, it's just acting.

Yeah, but you really seemed into it.

No, I'm not, but my character.

[Purrs]

Let me explain how acting works.

I know how acting works!

[Melodramatic piano plays on TV]

So that was Love, actually.

What did you think?

I loved it. Sweet and funny.

- Just like you.
- Aw.

Melanie said no guy would like
it, but I knew you would.

Oh, of course.

I mean, what a cast,
Hugh Grant, Liam neeson,

Snape from Harry Potter.

Shall we continue
this Love, actually discussion

upstairs?

Yes, actually.

- Let's get some wine.
- All right.

Elka, what are you doing here?

Isn't this your bowling night?

I'm not leaving this house
until this bet is over.

Now, get off my tail.

Okay, I'm sorry.

No, you're standing on my tail.

Well, you're gonna have to leave the house

to appear on The Grill.

No, I don't. I postponed.

Because of the suit?

Plus I've got a few things
I don't want to be asked about.

Like how you're still living here

and renting out
the mayor's mansion on airbnb?

I've got a wedding coming in next week.

Arnie's gonna kill you on The Grill.

He already has.

They've been running his promo all day.

Mayor Elka Ostrovsky,
why are you avoiding me?

Are you too busy making
silly bets to hop on The Grill

and answer the tough questions?

Or to put it another way,
is the tiger chicken?

I agree you shouldn't go on the show,

but isn't hiding out here

worse than taking a little public teasing?

You're right.

I'm gonna go out there
and take my medicine.

You're going to the bar, aren't you?

That's where they keep my medicine.

I think Dane's falling in love
with Victoria.

Oh, I'm sure he's not.

It's just the play.

The play is the problem.

Melanie, if you want my advice,

this is a trust issue.

That's where I'm lucky with Bob.

The only thing I ever wanted
from him was complete honesty,

and he's given me that.

How does that address my problem?

I guess it doesn't.

I'm gonna call Bob and tell him
how much I love him.

And look, there's a message from him.

See how in sync we are?

Amazing.

(Bob voicemail) Actually, Dr. cutler,
it's been a pretty good week for me.

He must have butt-dialed me
from his therapist's office.

This is the holy grail
of snooping on your boyfriend.

(Bob voicemail) Things are
going great with Joy,

except she made me sit
through this misshapen freak

of a movie called Love, actually.

He said he loved it.

(Bob voicemail) If I wanted
to be tortured for two hours,

I'd take a pilates class.

Anyway, about my hopes and dre...

who cares?

Can you believe Bob lied to me?

He's a liar like every
other man I've dated.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna torture him with pilates

until he confesses he's a liar.

Bob's still trainable.

I'm gonna break him like a puppy.

Dane is like a puppy
with this acting thing.

He just wants to put his mouth
on everything,

especially Victoria.

If only there was some puppy
repellant we could spray on her.

There is, Dane's mother's
perfume, Shalimar.

He'll still have to kiss her,

but he'll hate every second of it.

All I have to do is spray it
on Victoria's costume.

That's a brilliant idea.

You know, most girlfriends

wouldn't care enough to go as far as we do.

They're lucky to have us.

[Helicopter blades whirring]

Oh, my goodness.

Why is there a helicopter
landing on our front lawn?

Thanks, LeBron.

This suit is magic.

LeBron James just dropped you
off in his helicopter.

Well, first we stopped in Atlantic city.

- I won big.
- What?

I was counting cards out loud.

They didn't care.

So I guess you're not hiding anymore?

I'm bulletproof, which is
why I'm going on The Grill.

Elka, Arnie McManus will eat you alive.

I got this.

I also got this.

Is that LeBron James' championship ring?

Not anymore.

I'm so glad you like pilates.

Are you kidding?

I love it.

It's fantastic, the way
it's stretching my groin.

I can't believe there was a time
I didn't do it.

Oh, just thinking about that time now.

So you're really enjoying it?

Yeah, it's so much fun.

- Liar.
- What?

You lied to me about pilates,

the same way you lied
to me about Love, actually.

How do you know that?

I mean, why would you say that?

Because you butt-dialed me
from your therapy session.

And you listened?

Don't change the subject.

You violated my trust.

Well, what about my trust, huh?

Listening in on a therapy session

is way worse than pretending
to like some stupid movie.

Stupid movie?

Yes, stupid movie.

Some creepy stalker holding up
a bunch of dumb cue cards

for the woman he loves?

What's romantic about that?

How about everything?

That's only my favorite scene.

The point is, you lied,

and if you lied about this,
what else have you lied about?

No, the point is you
eavesdropped, and I'm furious.

I'm gonna need you to storm out right now.

Me? Why should I storm out?

Why don't you storm out?

Because I also lied about how good it felt

to stretch my groin.

Well, I did it.

Not only did I spray Victoria's
costume with Shalimar,

but I doused Dane's in old spice,

which is the cologne
that Victoria's dad wears.

It's gonna be like they're
kissing their parents.

Where's Bob?

I don't think he's coming.

I found the love of my life

and I pushed him away with my stupid scheme

just like you're about to push Dane away

with your moronic idea.

What?

I ordered room service.

Are you hungry?

Hungry for you.

Kiss me, mommy.

I mean Marnie, not mommy.

Uh-oh.

I can smell them from here.

Don't stop.

I'll never stop.

Tonight, I ask Mayor Ostrovsky
the tough questions.

Why is she funneling city money to the zoo?

Why does she conduct
city council meetings in a bar?

And why is her chief of staff a
pomeranian named George Clooney?

We'll find out when
I put the mayor on The Grill.

[Newsroom music]

[Sizzling]

Your honor, you know
how it works on The Grill.

First question,
how do you respond to the rumors

that you have to be a single handsome man

to work in your office?

So?

Your assistant is barely legal
and has big boobs.

That's my daughter.

Lovely girl.

Next question.

Is it about how cute
I look in a tiger suit?

No, it is not.

I despise cute things.

Ruh-roh.

Life isn't cute, your honor,

and I don't like my emotions manipulated.

This show is not about appearances.

It is about the dark,
ugly reality underneath.

- Who hurt you?
- What?

What? Nobody hurt me.

What are you talking about?

Was it your mom or your dad?

Which one named you Arnold?

You don't grill me. I grill you.

It was your dad, right?

Wrong. I didn't have a dad.

I mean, there were a series
of men that I had to call "dad,"

but back to you, your honor.

Wow, that must have been hard.

It wasn't easy.

I mean, one guy was
only six years older than me.

My mom lost her job
as a teacher because of him.

Why'd my best friend pay
for my daughter's boob job?

Those are all good questions, Arnie,

but it looks like
we're running out of time.

Oh, yeah, we are.

I'll see you tomorrow on The Grill.

[Newsroom music]

[Sizzling]

Tiger hug?

Yes.

So soft.

So soft.

Why were you wearing my mother's perfume?

You ruined my kiss acting.

Well, you wore old spice.

It was like doing a love scene
with my father.

I never put on old spice.

Well, I never wore Shalimar...

sabotage.

Lucci.

No, it was me.

(Victoria) [Gasping] Melanie.

I'm so sorry, but the rest of
your performance was grrrreat!

Aw, she's doing what a tiger does.

See, I have the suit on, so
you can't be mad at me, right?

Oh, yes, we can.

That whole play
was based on sexual chemistry,

and you ruined it.

[Phones beep]

Oh, no. The reviews are in.

Hang on.

The plain dealer says,

"open a window 'cause

these two are hot."

(Dane) Wait, wait, wait, wait,

"Victoria Chase and Dane Stevens
are a revelation.

Their decision not to kiss was genius."

We did it!

Of course we did. We're geniuses.

You're the genius, Victoria.

I've never met a more amazing
person in my life.

Aw.

So glad I put the suit on.

Joy, we're a hit.

Congratulations.

Joy, where are you going?

Over to Bob's house to beg forgiveness.

I treated him like my other boyfriends,

and he's not.

He was only lying about a movie,

wasn't cheating on me
or secretly living in my car

for a month like other guys have.

Wish me luck.

Bob.

[Romantic piano ballad playing]

♪ ♪

Oh, Bob.

And it turns out
there was a Broadway producer

in the audience who saw me,

and he offered me a play.

Wow, that's great.

So you're going to New York.

Yeah, and I've got to get
in really good shape

because I'm doing a nude scene
with what's her name, Angela...

Lansbury?

No, that wasn't it,

but I've got to be to New York
by tomorrow morning,

so I'd better go pack.

Well, if you're gonna be nude,
you don't have to pack much.

Once again, Melanie, you're
forgetting how acting works.

Well, good luck.

I'm really happy for you.

I'll text you when I get there.

That sounds perfect.

Hey.

How much longer are you gonna
need that suit?

Why?

Somebody egged the mayor of Cincinnati.

I need it for the lineup.