Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 6, Episode 15 - All Dolled Up - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Bob sent a gift from Canada.

Oh, my life is so good right now.

Actually, all of our lives are
just about perfect right now.

You're happy with Dane.

Your HBO series is about to premiere.

Stop.

Don't tempt the evil eye.

What are you talking about?

In Poland, my mother said,
"everything is perfect."



The next morning, the Nazis invaded.

Oh, God.

And I got the worst pimple.

It was right here.

Literally ruin your day.

Oh, I do love getting gifts.

Bob is such a doll.

Oh, my God.

Bob is a doll.

He had a doll made to look like himself?

That is the most disturbing
thing I have ever seen,

and I have been in a windstorm
with Donald Trump.

There's a note.

"My little detective,



never has a heart been as full as mine."

- Oh, that's sweet.
- Mm.

It really is a unique, thoughtful...

Ultimately creepy gift.

Oh, little Bob hit his head.

Don't give it a name.

Oh, that's him now.

Hey, Joy. Did you get my gift?

I did.

Have you undressed him yet?

Not yet. Can't wait.

What's wrong with your head?

Oh, I... I banged it real bad.

Just like little Bob.

Actually, can you hang on a second?

I'm just gonna run and get some ice.

Wow, that is really weird.

What if everything that happens
to little Bob

happens to slightly larger Bob?

Maybe it's a voodoo doll.

There is no such thing as voodoo.

If I twist the doll arm,
it's not like, you know...

Ow!

Bob, what happened? What's the matter?

Oh, I don't know.
I just tweaked my shoulder.

I'll call you back, okay?

Don't say it.

Well, you got to admit,
that's kind of weird.

- Voodoo.
- Voodoo.

Oh. Oh, that's got to be Dane.

Listen, guys, just so you know,

he got laid off this morning,
so he might be a little fragile.

Hey, babe.

Hi, honey.

Something wrong?

Well, not with me, but you lost your job.

I'm fine.

Hit a bucket of balls,
listened to some Foo Fighters.

I'm over it.

Wouldn't say no to a cold beer though.

Hello, ladies.

Little Bob.

I'm so sorry you got fired.

Do you want to talk about
how you're feeling?

Not really.

Do you want to talk about

why you don't want to
talk about your feelings?

Not really.

Why?

'Cause I'm a guy.

Well, don't you think the world
would be better

if guys talked about their feelings?

Not really.

Well, I'm here for you. Mwah.

Did you start smoking again?

Maybe I'm a little stressed.

Well, I think I can help.

Joy stopped smoking a while ago.

She has some nicotine patches upstairs.

I'll get them for you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'll go with you.

We can have sex.

Aren't you too upset to have sex?

You say the cutest things.

Ari!

Victoria.

What are you doing here?

You know why I'm a great agent?

'Cause I'm the biggest bastard
in Hollywood.

Luckily, I'm your bastard.

Wait a minute.

If you flew all the way from LA,

then you must have some big news
about my HBO show.

I do. Huge news.

So what is it?

They're cutting you out of the show.

Why did they cut me from the show?

Did they think my acting was bad?

You're gonna laugh at this,
but they had no specific reason.

Why would that make me laugh?

Well, the guy who told me
had a funny accent.

This is a disaster.

If they won't say why I was fired,

then people will start making up
all sorts of crazy rumors...

that I'm a diva,

that I'm untalented, my career is over.

They won't say those things.

But don't check today's Variety.

I need something right away

to show people that I can still get work.

Now, are there any options
out there for me?

Are there any options?

There are two:

A low-budget picture shot in Romania

or a play at a theater
right here in Cleveland.

I'll take the movie.

There is no movie.

What?

I just wanted you to think
you had some options.

I thought surely you'd take the play.

But local theater is what movie stars do

when they can't get any work.

Which is why you're perfect for this.

Victoria, I know you think that
local theater is beneath you,

but you'll be great in the play.

Will I?

The thing is, because HBO
isn't saying why they cut me,

I don't know what to fix.

Did I not delve deeply enough
into my character's backstory?

Did I not make interesting enough choices?

I have lost all faith
in my acting instincts.

Oh, you sweet thing,
everything you do is adorable.

Oh, thank you, Elka.

I was talking to the dog.

Oh, look at him.

He's snuggling him from behind.

That's not snuggling.

Oh, no.

- That is not right.
- No.

It's a voodoo doll.

That's probably happening to Bob right now.

It is not a voodoo doll.

It's just a really creepy doll
that my boyfriend gave me,

so I can't get rid of it.

I'd like to, but I can't.

I'll do it.

I know a kid's charity that
would probably like to take it.

Mm. Anyway, I owe you one.

I gave Dane a bunch
of your nicotine patches.

Wait, those aren't nicotine patches.

I got those from a friend in Sweden.

They're a skin treatment that's
unapproved here in the States.

Unapproved? W-what's in them?

Really high doses of estrogen.

Estrogen?

Oh, my God, did I just turn
my boyfriend into a woman?

Hi, Dane. Ooh, white wine.

Is that for me?

No, I just felt like something crisp.

Besides, I was feeling a bit bloated.

Yeah. Uh...

Look, Dane, there's something
I need to tell you

about those patches you're wearing.

The patches, right.

At first, I still wanted to smoke,

so I used, like, five of them.

- Five?
- Yeah.

And it's weird.

I stopped smoking,

but I feel like I've had
an emotional awakening.

Last night, I caught an episode
of Oprah's Master Class

with Susan Sarandon.

Oh, still gorgeous.

Right?

And she said things happen for a reason.

And I thought,
"things do happen for a reason."

Maybe that reason was for you
and I to grow closer.

Anyway, you wanted to tell me
something about those patches?

Just that if you've ran out,
I could get you some more.

Let's welcome the brilliant

Oscar and emmy award-winning actress,

Victoria chase...

Soon to be starring
in an upcoming HBO series.

Okay, forget that last part.

So let's get started, shall we?

Great.

I was up all night

working on my character's backstory.

I think you're gonna like it.

Terrific.

Okay, places, everybody.

"We open in a small roadside diner

in Carson city, Nevada."

'Ey there, 'andsome.

Warm up that coffee for ya?

Victoria, I'm gonna stop you.

Interesting choice.

Oh, it was, wasn't it?

You know, I... I get the sense
that my character

feels like she's superior
to everyone around her,

and so I thought,
"why not make her British?"

Well, here's one reason I can think of.

The play is about how she's lived in

the same small Nevada town her whole life.

So maybe we could try it
without the accent?

Of course. Of course. Bad choice.

Let me just give you another one.

Hey, handsome. Warm up that coffee for ya?

Take five, everybody.

Well, it was a little rocky at first,

but I finally found
the perfect backstory and accent

for my character.

You didn't do that thing you
call a British accent, did you?

Hey.

Me British accent 'appens to be

quite good indeed.

I'd love to hear it one day.

Well, I did it.

By drugging my boyfriend with estrogen,

I have created the perfect man.

He's empathetic, he wants to
talk about his feelings,

and he even noticed my new bag.

What?

No, sometimes they notice shoes,

but never the bag.

Elka, what's wrong?

Oh, George Clooney is upset.

His little Bob doll is missing.

I told you I was gonna give it
to a kids charity.

And I told you
you were messing with voodoo.

Well, technically,
if the voodoo was working,

then real Bob would be missing too.

Bob's not missing.

Although he never did call me back.

Oh, no, five texts from Bob's brother.

Bob's gone missing.

He went maple tree tapping in the woods

and hasn't come back.

They found his little bucket, but no Bob.

Oh, God.

What if the voodoo is real?

I've got to get that doll back.

Melanie, what kids charity
did you give it to?

I... I kind of threw it in the trash.

What? How could you?

You said you were gonna give it
to a kids charity.

I lied.

Who wants a doll that looks like
a lumpy middle-aged man?

They still haven't found Bob.

We have got to find that doll.

But they picked up the trash today.

It could be anywhere.

I'll find it.

I'm the mayor.

I'm the boss of every
garbage truck in Cleveland.

Wow, that's right.

You spend so much time

hanging around here with us, drinking,

I forget you're the mayor
of a major metropolitan city.

I don't put in a full day.

That's what makes me relatable.

Let's make some calls.

Ari. Is something wrong?

No, I just wanted to ask you
how the play was going.

Oh, great.

No, I think they really like
the choices I'm making.

That's one way of looking at it.

They other way is, they hate
all the choices you're making.

That's actually the way to look at it.

This HBO thing really threw me.

My instincts are gone.

I don't think I can do this play.

Just tell them I'm sick or something.

All right, I'll tell them.

That's my job.

I got to get out of this business.

Hello, young handsome fellow.

Got representation?

I'm back in the business.

Hey, you do look very handsome.

No, I don't.

I put on, like, five pounds in two days.

Nothing fits. Nothing looks good.

I'm such a cow.

Victoria?

What's wrong?

Nothing.

It doesn't sound like nothing.

Oh, I... I just quit my play.

- Tell me everything.
- Well, I...

but I made reservations at Dante's.

Reservations can be changed, sweetheart.

Victoria's upset.

Oh, no. No, no.

I don't want to spoil your evening.

I...

Victoria, we both just lost jobs,

but that doesn't define who we are.

Here's what you do.

You draw yourself a bath,
pour yourself a glass of wine,

and make a list of everything
you love about yourself.

I did it earlier today,
and it really works.

Thank you, Dane.

Aw, Dane.

Honey, you are so sweet.

Listen, I got an idea.

How 'bout we skip dinner
and, you know, fool around?

What?

How could you even think about sex

when Victoria is so upset?

Okay. Okay, fine.

Then we'll just... we'll cuddle.

We'll just see what happens.

Nothing will happen.

Okay, that's it.

Dane, I have something to tell you.

Those nicotine patches?

They're not really nicotine.

They're estrogen.

What? How could you?

Oh, honey, don't be upset.

Don't tell me how to feel.

Please don't be angry.

I'm not angry, I'm just...

I'm just hurt.

Well, can I call you?

Don't call me.

Don't text me.

It's over.

And don't watch me
while I'm walking out the door.

My ass is huge.

Thanks again for helping me
search for the Bob doll.

They've sent the mounties out
looking for Bob,

but so far, nothing.

Joy, I'm so sorry.

Don't worry. We'll find it.

By the science of voodoo,
when we find little Bob,

big Bob will show up.

Are you sure this is
the quadrant our trash is in?

Oh, it's ours.

Look at all the wine bottles.

Hey.

My gold lam? shorts.

How did these get in here?

Yes, how?

Hey, Elka, this looks just like
the bowl I made for you

from that ceramics class I took.

Does it?

There are two of those beauties?

Oh. Oh, look at this.

A coffee pot.

It's just like the one I used in the play.

Oh, God, I really made a mess of that.

I quit, and then I lied about quitting,

and now I'm that person.

Victoria, you lie all the time.

And usually it makes me feel good,

but not this time.

And the director was so nice.

He deserves to know the truth.

I don't want to be an awful person.

Well, I am an awful person.

Why am I trying to turn Dane into a woman?

I don't need another girlfriend.

I have you guys to notice my new bag

or ask me how I'm feeling.

I need to get laid.

Oh, my God, look.

It's little Bob.

George Clooney found little Bob.

Good boy.

Thank you, George Clooney.

Oh, come on. Come on.

Oh, please make voodoo work.

Please make voodoo work.

Nothing.

Why did I think this would work?

What if Bob's hurt?

What if he's stuck between two rocks

and has to eat his own arm off?

It's only been a few hours.

He gets really hungry.

Wait.

I have no bars.

What if they're trying to reach me?

What can I do to get a better signal?

Well, once I was up for a television pilot.

It was a female MacGyver
called lady MacGyver.

It was down to Markie Post and me.

Get to the point.

Markie got it.

No, you idiot, the signal.

Oh, first we have to attach
the phone to a rod

and then find a metallic conductor,

preferably something with gold filaments.

My shorts.

I got a message.

Bob's okay.

He was found by rescue dogs. Yay.

Oh, Bob.

Wait a minute.

There's something pinned to his heart.

It's a necklace.

So that's what the note meant.

"Never has a heart been as full as mine."

It is beautiful.

I know.

Not that I care about such things.

The important thing is, Bob is safe.

Diamonds!

So that's why I quit.

It wasn't because I was sick.

It... it was because I was scared.

I can't believe you were scared.

I was scared to work with you,
the great Victoria Chase.

Don't be fooled by all my awards.

I'm not even talking about that.

Why not? I won a damn Oscar.

A long time ago, we were
in acting class together.

Oh, right. You...

yeah, don't even pretend to remember me.

I sat in the back,
and I never said anything,

but I watched you.

Victoria, you were fearless.

I was, wasn't I?

But I was young and stupid
with nothing to lose.

What do you have to lose now?

Everything. I am an Oscar winner.

Well, you can't lose that.

If a meteor fell on us right now,

the headline would read,

"Oscar winner Victoria Chase
killed in fiery explosion."

Oh, I do like the sound of that.

It wouldn't say, "Victoria Chase",

who got cut from some dopey HBO show."

No, you're right. That show was dopey.

I mean, why am I letting that get me down?

I want to be that actress that
you remember from back then.

Yeah, stupid and fearless.

Okay, you just give me another chance,

and I think I could be that stupid again.

I know you can.

Dane. Hi. What are you doing here?

I came here because you're here.

But you broke up with me three days ago.

Why was that again?

Because I drugged you with female hormones

and then lied about it.

Stuff happens.

Don't worry, it's out of my system now.

Wow, great. Great.

Listen, I know I did wrong and,

we really should talk about it. Because,

if you can't have trust in
a relationship, and I...

Oh my God.

- What?
- You weren't even listening to me.

You were staring at my chest.

You're back!