Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 6, Episode 14 - Family Affair - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Remember when I came home last week

and surprised you all
with new toothbrushes?

I do.

So does my diary.

Well, it was a trick.

I sent your old toothbrushes away

to one of my radio show
sponsors, DNA quest.

They analyze your DNA

and tell you all
about your family background,



and they can even connect you

with relatives that have also signed up.

Could it tell me that
I'm not related to my mother?

Because I would pay extra for that.

I know this isn't a contest,
but I just won.

I'm 1/32 native American.

Oh, this explains so much.

What does it explain, exactly?

My spirituality, my wisdom,

my connection to the land.

Oh, you know, this could really
help my career.

Oh, there's that spirituality!

Johnny Depp has gotten lots of roles

because he's part Chickasaw.



The same thing could happen to me.

Don't count on it.

You're no spring Chickasaw.

- You never eat your olive.
- Mm.

Never used to.

Now my heritage compels me

to use every part of the Martini.

Oh, my God!

I have a cousin
that I never even knew about

living right here in Cleveland.

A Dr. Mark Angelo.

Ooh, this is so exciting!

But don't you hate most of your relatives?

Which is exactly why I need new ones.

I should check him out
before I actually meet him.

Maybe I'll just go by his office
and see what kind of vibe I get.

And come straight home
and tell me all about it.

I have a diary to fill.

What about you two?

You haven't opened your packets.

That's because we know what we'll find.

Polish, Polish...

English, English...

Oh, no.

It can't be.

Holy crap.

What? What is it?

Both: We're related.

[Upbeat music]

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

Maybe we're not related by blood

but to someone we both slept
with who used our toothbrushes.

Is that really better?

Well, you'll be happy to know
I have taken the first step

to connecting with
my native American heritage.

My people contacted my people,

and I'll be sitting down

with the Ohio native American
council for a powwow.

Did they say "powwow"?

Because I don't think you can say "powwow."

I can say it. You can't.

Have you two done any more research

into your less interesting heritage?

We contacted an historian who's an expert

on the area we're from in Poland.

Pretty sure he'll disprove our connection.

But it's science.

Toothbrush science.

Who trusts a toothbrush?

She's British.

We can't even prove she used it.

I simply refuse to believe

I'm related to this ridiculous woman.

[Both sigh]

Both: Stop doing that!

[Phone rings]

It's Melanie.

I'm in my cousin's office now.

He is amazing.

He's a psychiatrist, he plays guitar,

he's got Italian cookbooks,
and... oh, my God.

I'm looking at his picture now.

[Chuckles]

He's got that long-haired beard
thing that I love.

You know, like a hot Jesus.

Melanie, are you attracted to your cousin?

No! No.

I'm... I'm just noticing how sexy he is.

Yeah, well, just make sure
you have a good cover story

in case he comes back

and not something you can't get out of,

like pretending to be his...

Oh, hi.

You my 2:00?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Patient.

Oh, my.

Is that a bird?

Yeah, this little guy got stunned

flying into the lobby,

but I gave him some gentle palpitations,

and he's better now.

Ooh, ouch. He's biting.

Okay.

There you go.

Wow.

I noticed the guitar.

Do you play?

A little.

It helps me relax between patients.

Would you play something for me?

I'm not very good.

Please?

Okay. All right.

A little rusty, but...

[Spanish guitar riff]

♪ ♪

Like I said, I'm not very good.

But we are here to talk about you.

You know, I'm surprised to see you.

I thought you cancelled your appointment.

Yeah, I did,

and then I changed my mind,
'cause I'm wishy-washy.

That's part of my crazy.

We don't use that word here.

So tell me about Kesha Washington.

Who?

Ah, yes.

I lot of people come here
wondering who they are.

Oh, me, me, me.

I'm... I'm Kesha Washington.

That is a good first step.

Thank you for meeting with us, Victoria.

I'm Bruce, director of publicity

for the Ohio Native American Council.

This is my associate, Gerry.

Let me guess.

When you came through Ellis Island,

they probably shortened it from Geronimo.

No, it's short for Gerald,

and none of us came through Ellis Island.

That's why we're native Americans.

Oh.

We're thrilled that someone
as famous as you

has agreed to help us with our cause.

We want to talk to you about Chief Wahoo.

Chief Wahoo. Wonderful man.

We want to get rid of him.

Oh, that Chief Wahoo.

No, he's terrible.

We're talking about the mascot
for the Cleveland Indians.

We find the grinning, red-faced
caricature to be offensive.

Oh, I can relate.

There's an insulting caricature of me

at the palm steak house in Beverly Hills.

I mean, my nose is all wrong,

and they've got me holding a breadstick.

As if.

It's a very high-profile issue,

so we can count on you for your support?

Absolutely.

It's my duty to help my people,

and if I get national
recognition in the process,

well, I'll just have to live with that.

We can schedule a press
conference as soon as tomorrow,

unless you need more time.

No, I'm ready,
but I will need a cheat sheet.

One time, I did promotion
for a movie without notes,

and I really embarrassed myself.

Boy, was my face...

Its natural color.

We can trace both of your bloodlines

back to the same village in eastern Poland.

Church records from 1829

refer to one woman who was tall
and sour-faced.

Sounds like you.

And another woman who was
voluptuous and quick of wit.

Sounds like me.

They were both renowned drinkers.

Go on.

For years, their relationship
was fraught with tension,

with many letters outlining

their vehement hatred of one another.

Then they realized the source
of their tension.

Which was?

A deep sexual attraction.

What the hell?

They were, in fact,

one of the earliest documented
open lesbian relationships.

But how does that make us related?

We can't be descended from two women.

They had a child together.

The tall one slept with
the voluptuous one's brother.

Typical.

Here is a photo of them

from the year 1832.

Wow, you are so comforting
and smart and easy to talk to.

I'd love to see you again.

How about tomorrow?

Yes.

Great.

What should I wear?

Whatever's comfortable.

It's just another appointment.

[Laughing] Appointment.

Yes, of course it's an appointment,

'cause I'm your patient.

Kesha, right?

It's good you're coming in tomorrow.

I brought you some tea.

Why are you being so nice?

You're skeeving me out.

I'm just trying to diffuse the tension.

Oh, I'm sure you'd like
to diffuse the tension.

Can we please turn
our attention to something else?

Well, my cousin's my shrink,

and I think I'm in love with him.

That works for me.

We all fall in love
with our shrinks, but cousins?

Isn't that a bit unseemly?

Well, is it?

I just wish I knew
how closely related we were.

I mean, yeah, second cousins,
that would be gross,

but fourth or fifth cousins...
that would be fine, right?

I mean, it's not like
we're gonna have kids.

Ooh, I wonder if he wants kids.

He'd be a good dad.

Well, I have a new cause.

Has anyone here heard of Chief Wahoo?

Yeah, he's the mascot
for the Cleveland Indians.

That's right, and he's offensive,

and I am gonna help get rid of him.

But he's the symbol of the team...

Which hasn't won a series since 1948.

Can him.

I feel so fulfilled,

and I owe it all to your DNA test, Melanie.

Now, obviously, I resented you
stealing my toothbrush,

but now I understand that that's
just how the white man operates.

That's it!

I'll steal my cousin's toothbrush

and get a more detailed DNA test.

I'll just tell him he's got,
like, spinach in his teeth

or something, and then
after he brushes, I'll swipe it.

If you weren't seeing a therapist,

I'd say you should see a therapist.

No, I... look, if it doesn't work out,

I'll just get over him
with a different shrink.

A woman.

I can be sure not to fall in love with her.

Why are you looking at us?

Because I'm talking to you.
Why are you acting so weird?

We're not acting weird.

You're the one trying
to get into your cousin's pants.

You two are acting a little weird.

What did that historian tell you?

Oh, you know, nothing much.

Oh, except we do have a relative
here in Ohio.

A young woman who lives in akron.

Oh, well, you got to go meet her.

I mean, come on.

Aren't you two curious?

Curious?

Why did you use that word?

So, early in relationships,

when people only know
a little bit about each other,

they fill in the blank spots
with what they want to see.

As a painter,
when I look at a blank canvas...

you paint?

Well, I mean, I dabble.

That's beautiful.

What can't you do?

Besides brush your teeth.

Excuse me?

You have a little spinach right there.

Oh, just give me a second. I'll go brush.

Okay.

[Toothbrush buzzing]

Do you ever paint nudes?

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

It was hard to get in.

There's a huge protest outside.

I know. They're protesting you.

What?

What did I do?

You're standing up for what's right.

Chief Wahoo is an offensive stereotype,

but some people love him.

Most people, really.

Wait a minute.

You mean there are two sides to this issue?

Nobody told me that.

Oh, yeah.

Some of your fans will hate you for this.

- What?
- You're up.

Everyone, please welcome Victoria Chase.

[Light applause]

As a proud native American, I am here today

to take a stand on the issue of the mascot

of the Cleveland Indians,
Chief Wahoo, who, some say,

portrays a negative image
of native Americans,

and others say the opposite.

Thank you very much.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Wait, wait.

Doesn't Chief Wahoo offend your beliefs

as a proud native American?

Well, yes, of course it's terrible,

but when you see Chief Wahoo's smile,

I mean, he is so cute,
you just want to take him home.

And spank him!

To conclude,

he is offensive and adorable.

A racist cartoon who can also inspire.

Thank you.

But, Ms. Chase,
you're not even taking a stand.

Okay.

I am gonna take a stand,

because there is an injustice
going on here,

and that injustice is people
coming to actors for an opinion.

Just because we're better-looking than you

doesn't mean we know stuff.

When is the public going to learn?

Let my people go.

[Mouths words]

So how did I do?

The council conferred, and we don't want

to be associated with you anymore.

What?

You're... you're voting me out?

Yes. The tribe has spoken.

Welcome back.

We are here with Dr. Clifton laird,

president of DNA quest,
one of our sponsors.

Pleasure to be here, Melanie.

And as we say in the DNA world,

double the helix, double the fun.

[Laughs]

You know, speaking of fun,

here's a question I'm sure
you get asked a lot:

When is it okay for cousins to date?

Actually, I don't get asked
that question a lot.

Fourth cousins, third cousins?

You know, scientifically speaking,

where's the creepy line?

I... I don't know,

uh, but I do know that
we've got a surprise for you.

We tested your DNA, and we
discovered you have a relative

whom you've never met living right here

in the Cleveland area.

His name is Dr. Mark Angelo,

and he'll be joining us
in the studio right now.

What? No.

Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no.

Kesha?

Actually, it's pronounced "Melanie."

Listeners, I must tell you,
it is so surprising

to meet a relative that
I have never, ever seen before.

Yes. I'm surprised by this too.

Yeah, I wonder if we have
the same family traits.

You know, like in my family,
we sometimes do strange things

that have perfectly good explanations.

Well, in my family,

when someone tells us
who they are, we believe them.

In my family, we open presents
on Christmas Eve.

Which reminds us that it is never too early

to give the gift of forgiveness

when someone says,

"I am so, so sorry."

[Toothbrush buzzing]

Something's buzzing.

Yeah, it's nothing.

Is that an electric toothbrush?

I don't have an electric
toothbrush in my purse.

That would be embarrassing.

No, what it is, is I'm a single woman,

and sometimes at work I get tense.

Oh, it's a vibrator.

Can we just please go to commercial?

Okay, I'm just... I'm just gonna
come right out and say it.

[Chuckles] I'm not Kesha.

I gathered that.

And it's not a vibrator in my purse.

It is an electric toothbrush.

What do you do about the tens...

I just hold it in!

It's your toothbrush,
and I stole it because I wanted

to test your DNA further to find
out how closely related we are

because I have a little crush on you.

And I know you don't like
to use the word "crazy"...

no, no, in this case, "crazy"
sounds like the perfect word.

This is so weird.

We're gonna meet someone with our DNA.

It's almost like meeting our child.

The only thing I know is her name,

so I'll have to use my detective skills

to figure out which one is Jessica.

Hey, Jessica!

That's her!

She's coming over. Act normal.

Hi!

Hi!

Hi. What can I get you?

Two beers, please.

Got it.

So, Jessica, how long have you worked here?

Oh, not long.

I'm only waiting tables

to put myself through veterinary school.

Oh, what a wonderful child.

And what a beautiful engagement ring.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

You know, I'm always
a little self-conscious

because my hands are so big.

I think they're perfect.

I think you're perfect.

Yeah.

Okay, I'll get your drinks.

We did good, Joy.

We really did.

Thank you.

Jessica, you're late.

I know, I know.

Shut up.

What if she's our Jessica?

Oh, she is not our Jessica.

Right, the sweet animal lover is ours.

We have nothing in common with that mess.

- I'll drink to that.
- Mm.

We never saw that.

Let's get out of here.

Well, the press conference
wasn't a complete disaster.

I'm really proud of my new-found heritage,

and I almost stood up for
something, and that feels good.

And Elka and I have adjusted
to being blood relatives.

[Laughs]

It's changed the way I look at Joy.

Oh, that's sweet.

Now I see her as an organ farm.

[Doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Hi, Dr. Angelo.

Hi.

Can we talk?

Sure. Sure.

Earlier, you said you wanted to know

how closely related we were,

so I had a friend
at the university test my DNA.

And?

We're twins.

What?

I'm kidding.

Wow, you are gullible.

[Laughs]

Yeah, that's true.

So turns out you and I only share

one ancestor from the 17th century,

so we are very distant relatives.

Good to know.

Can I ask what made you do the test?

Well, I wouldn't let myself think about you

until I knew the truth.

Honestly, you weren't
the only inappropriate one.

Really?

You were so pretty when I first saw you,

- I hoped you weren't my patient.
- [Giggling]

Then I showed off with my guitar.

I even called my therapist
about asking you out.

What did he say?

He advised against it.

Oh.

I don't always listen
to my dad... I mean my therapist.

[Laughs]

- I may have issues too.
- [Laughs]

So, are you asking me out?

I'm asking you to marry me.

What?

Oh I'm really gullible, aren't I?