Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 6, Episode 18 - Cleveland Calendar Girls - full transcript

(Victoria) "Hot in Cleveland" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Why am I getting
my picture taken?

Well, it seems I've become
a bit of a local celebrity.

We're getting
an engagement portrait.

My driver's license expired.

I'm doing a nude calendar
for charity.

What do you mean,
you're doing a nude calendar

for charity?

First, we thought
of a bake sale.

Good idea.
Do that.

And then, we started
doing Jell-O shots.



When I saw the jiggle
in my glass,

I came up with the idea.

But can't you just cancel?

You're the only ones
who know about it.

Turn to page three.

The mayor has agreed
to do a nude calendar

to raise money for
the Cleveland animal shelter.

It's in the papers?

I drunk-dialed that in.

Guess who just got
asked for their celebrity photo,

and it's not Victoria.

Is it you, Melanie?

Yes!

Because of my radio show,



the dry cleaners
asked for my photo.

Ah, the first time
the dry cleaner

asks for your head shot—
I remember it well.

I was between David Hasselhoff
and Henry Winkler,

and ironically, a year later,
I was between them again.

Oh, my God.

What's wrong?

Oh, that stupid Ohio DMV!

I went in to renew my license,

and they sent it back to me
with someone else's picture.

Look at that ugly, old woman.

Victoria, honey, that's you.

(Breathlessly)
What?

I told them I required
the celebrity Photoshop package,

you know, like they have
at the Beverly Hills DMV.

When I gave that greeter
outside $100,

he said he'd take care of it.

They don't have
a greeter at the DMV.

That's what the sign said
on his shopping cart.

Bob and I found
a fantastic photographer

for our engagement photo.

He could take your picture.

Oh, that'd be great.

Now, and then I could take

my own professionally done
head shot to the DMV.

And he could take shots
for our thing.

What thing?

We're posing nude
for the animals.

Well, as long
as people don't have to see it.

[upbeat music]

♪ Hey! ♪

Stop making comedy faces.

This is our engagement photo.

Can't you just smile and think
about how happy you are?

I'm sorry, Joy.

It's just, when I think about
how I really feel, you know—

about a guy like me getting
to marry a girl like you,

well, I just—

I can't believe how—
how lucky I am.

I need a minute.

Aw, that's so sweet.

It is.

I know it's surprising—
his sensitive side,

seeing how tough and macho
he is on the outside.

We're talking about Bob, right?

Of course.
I'll go check on him.

While we're waiting, do you want
to start on yours, Melanie?

Oh, yeah, sure.
It's a little chilly in here.

I'm just gonna put this shawl
around me while you set up.

- Okay.
- You know, it's weird.

I haven't had
a studio portrait taken

without my husband or my kids.

But I'm single now,
and that's okay.

It just feels like
there should be something

here next to me.

Well, hi, you.

What a sweet little kitty
you are.

What is your name?

Barney, well, that's a handsome
name for such a handsome fellow.

Oh, God, Joy, without you,

that could be me—

sad, alone, talking to cats.

I am not sad and alone.

(Ian)
Can we get a smile, Melanie?

No, I don't think we can.

To Cleveland's calendar girls.

You know, I'm gonna pose
with nothing but a python

like Britney Spears.

All I need are a couple puppies

to cover my puppies.

I'm gonna balance
a champagne glass on my butt

like Kim Kardashian.

I tried it at home.

There's even room
for the ice bucket.

I'm thinking
of posing behind clothes.

But then you won't be naked.

I guess I'm a little nervous
about being in the buff.

Pardon my language.

But you have a gorgeous body.

How do you know?

I've never even
seen myself naked.

I take out my contacts
before I undress.

I saw you when you went
through airport security.

It was a nice outline.

What if Reverend Bower sees it?

Ooh, Reverend Bower?

Somebody's hot for preacher.

We're just friends.

I wouldn't want him
to think less of me

by seeing more of me.

It's gonna be fine.

Have another beer.

What we need
is to order some pizzas.

Elka, we've got
to watch our figures, honey.

We've got a photo shoot coming.

Relax.

I'll just wear bigger puppies.

You're a good friend,

volunteering to keep me company
at the DMV.

I didn't volunteer.

You said we were going
for frozen yogurt.

Next.

Oh, my goodness, Victoria Chase!

- I'm such a fan!
- Oh, thank you.

You are not gonna believe this,

but my nitwit assistant here
lost my driver's license.

What?

Oh, no problem.

We have your photo on file.

It would be my honor
to reissue one immediately.

Yeah,
I need to replace that photo

with this one.

Oh, that's a beautiful photo.

So pretty.

I know.
So can you use it?

Sorry, no can do.

Why not?

The best we can do
is take your photo again,

but we have to use our camera.

- It's the law.
- Seriously?

I have to have my photo
taken with that piece of—

Okay, I-I think what my boss
is trying to say is that

it would be difficult

to take a nice photo of her
with your equipment.

Mm-hmm, perhaps
if you hadn't lost her license,

she wouldn't be
in this predicament.

Okay.

She's my mother's friend.
I had to hire her.

I'm sorry, Miss Chase.

I want to help you out,

but it's important that
everyone look like themselves.

This isn't what I look like.

This is what I look like.

I'm sorry, no can do.

All right, I will be back.

Hey, do you think
you could get Miss Chase

to autograph this for me?

I'm sorry, no can do.

It's assistants like you
that give stars

like Victoria Chase a bad name.

Okay, no more crying.

Don't worry.
I've got this.

Ah, my grandmother's ring

on my beautiful fiancée's hand.

[crying]
Here I go again.

Sorry.

Oh, what's this on my dress?

Oh.

Nose tears?

I've got to go clean this off.

Pull yourself together.

Okay. Ahh.

[exhales]

I cannot wait
to marry that woman.

Yeah, I can see that.

You two planning on having kids?

No, no.

I mean, I've always dreamed
of having kids of my own,

but when you get married
this late in life,

it's not really in the cards,

though I'd never say anything
to Joy about it.

I wouldn't want her to think she
was disappointing me in any way.

So Bob wants kids?

He says he wants his own kids.

Have you discussed
having children?

I didn't think
we had to discuss it.

Now I'm worried
I'm being unfair.

Bob's a man.

He could still have kids
with someone younger.

And less dried out.

[groans]

Is this absolutely necessary?

My photo shoot's tomorrow,

and I need to practice
being comfortable.

Naked.

It's disturbing.

It is a little awkward.

Not for me.
Now, I'm an actress.

I've been trained to convey
that the human body is beautiful

no matter
what I'm actually feeling.

So what are you gonna do?

The mature,
responsible thing—

pretend I never heard him.

Having kids is a big issue.

Ultimately, it's what broke up
me and Alec.

I know, and I don't want
to go back to being

sad, single, and alone.

No offense, Melanie.

I may be single,
but I'm not sad.

It's so easy
for us to get dates,

we've become reliant on guys
for our happiness,

which is why I am having a date
with myself tomorrow night

at that new restaurant
I've been dying to try.

And now
I'm using my acting training

to pretend
that Melanie's plan isn't sad.

You know what is sad
besides Melanie?

I am not sad.

Mamie Sue thinks
her body isn't good enough

to be in the calendar.

Well, maybe she's just shy,

and maybe you should be shy too.

Hey, we're not gonna
look this hot forever.

Mm-hmm. Next.

Oh, Victoria Chase, are you back
to take your picture?

Yes, I am, and I'm
going to use your equipment

as required by law.

Wonderful, just step over there.

Okay, are you ready?

Ready.

Oh, wow, that was amazing.

So did you get the shot?

Oh, whoopsie.

Whoopsie?

I got it.
Next.

What kind of music should we
listen to for the photo session?

Well, it's hard
to keep your clothes on

when you're listening
to Sinatra.

True story.

I'm still feeling nervous
about this.

Why? What's the worst
that can happen?

Well, hello, Mamie Sue, ladies.

Hello, Reverend Bower.

It might look like
we were talking about something,

but we weren't.

Okay, I hope to see you
in the front pew

in church again this Sunday.

Oh, you will.

What's your sermon
going to be about?

Society's declining values.

Ladies, Mamie Sue.

Good-bye.

I hardly know these women.

She's hot for preacher.

You said that already.

I'm a nude model.

I don't have to be smart.

Well, I'm not going
to be a nude model.

Because of Reverend Bower?

It's not just him.

Who wants to see me
like that anyway?

Maybe 40 years ago.

But why should we think
we're only beautiful

up to a certain age?

Girl, my varicose veins
look like a fault map.

And my muffin tops
have muffin tops.

And my ass
looks like a bag of socks.

But are we gonna let
all that get in the way

of our getting naked
in front of the world?

Oh, hell, yeah.

I'm with them.
I'm out too.

Oh, come on, girls, what can
I do to change your mind?

Turn the calendar back to 1965.

Wow, these tables are so close.

[laughs]

But don't worry.
I won't be eavesdropping.

Why would I?
I have a book.

[laughs]

Can I get you a drink,
or should we wait for your date?

Uh, yes, you can get me
a glass of Merlot,

and my date is already here.

And what can I get for you?

I know that
there's nobody sitting there.

I'm not crazy.

I am just a lady
on a date with herself,

celebrating being alone.

Oh, God, is that cat hair?

Okay, don't look at me
like that.

I'm sure there are plenty
of people that come here

and dine by themselves.

Not really.

Uh, we were voted Cleveland's
most romantic restaurant.

Oh, well,
then it's the perfect atmosphere

for me to read
my World War II love story.

Just bring me the chateaubriand.

It's for two.

We'll see about that.

Oh, my God, Melanie Moretti
from the radio show.

Yes, yes, that's me.

I saw your picture
at the dry cleaner.

Oh.

I'm so sorry to bother you.

No, no, no,
it's no bother at all.

What would you like
to talk about?

Is there anything
you'd like to talk about?

Please sit down.

I just wanted to say thank you,

because you said
on your radio show,

"Fear of being alone

is no reason to stay
in a bad relationship,"

so I dumped
my terrible boyfriend,

and now I just go out by myself
if I want to.

And it's fun, right?

So fun.

I mean, the first time I did it,

I was so self-conscious,
I ate a whole bread basket.

Oh, I just ordered
3 pounds of meat.

Oh. [laughs]
Okay.

But this is nice too.

Ah, so nice.

Yeah.

Want to go someplace
and pick up guys?

- Oh, God, yes.
- Okay.

Joy, I was up all night
practicing.

How's this?

Oh, Bob,
that's a beautiful smile.

- You look so handsome.
- Thanks.

I was looking in the mirror,

thinking about what I love most
about you, and I saw this smile,

and I thought, "That looks good.

That looks damn good."

You know,
you're a lucky woman, Joy.

- I am.
- Mmm.

Mmm.

So what do you love most
about me?

I love that we're a team.

We may disagree
about the little things,

but we agree on the big things,

and that's what matters most.

Yes, it's important
to agree on the big things

and be open and honest
with each other

about the big things.

All right,
you two lovebirds, smile.

Bob, what if
there were one big thing that,

if revealed,
could potentially destroy us?

Would you still love me?

I guess,

although I feel my smile
starting to fade a little.

Oh, it's nothing
we should talk about now

or ever, really.

Ah.

How big, Joy?

How big is the big thing?

It's big.

Joy, I think I need to know
what the big thing is.

All right.

Wait.

I heard you talking

about how you'd always dreamed
of having kids,

and I felt terrible.

You should be marrying someone
you can have children with.

Joy, you're the woman
I want to marry.

If you don't want to have kids,
that's fine.

But I do.
I would love to.

I'm just too...
not young enough.

But what difference
does age make?

We can adopt.

But I thought
you wanted your own child.

If we adopt a child,
it will be my own—our own.

Oh, Bob.

I would love
to adopt a child with you.

And I with you.

[both crying]

Do you guys want to,
like, reschedule or—

No, no, no, no, no,
take the photo.

I want to capture exactly
how we're feeling right now,

in this moment.

[both crying]

How's this?

Same time tomorrow?

Do you want me
to turn up the heat?

No, keep it down for perkiness.

So, uh, you're the only model
for this calendar?

Nope, Miss December
is in the house, child.

Marcia.

I thought about what you said

about women our age
being invisible,

and I don't want
to be invisible.

Neither do I.

I got a full-body wax.

I'm hairless from my eyebrows
to my ankles.

Helen, what changed your mind?

Your inspiring words
and two vodkas.

Poor Mamie Sue.

She'll never know
how freeing this is.

Yes, she will.

Mamie Sue!

You were right, Elka.

We ought to be doing this.

A girl should feel
she's beautiful her whole life,

not just the years
she's actually beautiful.

Get over here.

- Let's make a calendar.
- I'm ready.

I forgot my wallet.

But I don't need it.

[gasps] How'd it go
at the adoption agency?

Looks good,
but it's gonna be a process.

Oh,
I'm all for you two adopting,

and FYI, with your light skin,

a darker baby would really pop.

We should open some champagne.

To celebrate the baby?

That and the blessed arrival
of my new driver's license.

Take a look, ladies.

Oh, honey,
that's a terrible picture.

Yeah, I know,
but look at the birth date.

1980?

So they made a mistake.

Uh-uh, according to the great
state of Ohio, I'm 35,

and we're all gonna
go with that.

The calendars are out, girls.

Oh, look at Miss September.

She's 98?

Oh, and look
at that cute, wrinkly Shar-Pei

she's holding in her lap.

She didn't pose with a dog.

Is this unbelievable or what?

Well, this has been great
for my marriage.

My husband is looking at me
differently.

He's looking at me.

I heard the senior center alone
bought 50 copies.

We've caused two heart attacks
already!

Mamie Sue.

Reverend Bower,
I can't believe you're here.

I am so proud that you
have taken what God gave you

and put it toward a good cause.

Really?
Thank you.

And even though it's April,

my calendar still shows January.

That's my month.

You know, Mamie,

there's a raffle night
coming up at the church—

And you'd like me
to pose nude for the poster?

Sure!

Actually, I was just hoping
you'd be my date.

I would love that.

Wonderful.

So apparently,
men don't seem to mind

when you take your clothes off.

Who knew?