Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 23 - Don Elka - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.

Councilwoman, you honor
us with your presence.

This is crazy.

You won a city council post.

Why is everyone treating you
like you're the Godfather?

The councilwoman says it would
be a shame if something were

to happen to those legs
you so shamelessly display.

Councilwoman.

I bring you special cannolis
prepared by my wife.

This is
a nice thing you do for me.

Councilwoman, a request.



Food inspectors, they come here,
they give me a "B."

I say to my staff, for justice
we must go to Councilwoman Ostrovsky.

I see an "A" in your future.

Thank you, Councilwoman.

How are you going to get them
to change the grade?

Don't ask me about my business, Joy.

Look, it's Victoria.

Is that academy award-winner,
Victoria Chase?

It is, it is!

Oh, stop.

This is so embarrassing.

Not bad, but you forgot, "she's
even more beautiful in person."

Oh, look what I got.

It's a fake Oscar
I found at a novelty store.



I'm gonna use it
to figure out the best place

to display my real one when it arrives.

You know, I read that when you
won, 80% of American's thought

that John Travolta read the wrong name.

Did I mention it's also a water pistol?

Oh, it's from Mitch.

He's going out of town for a few days.

It says, "I miss you already."

- Aw. You look very happy, Joy.
- I am.

But I'm scared to trust it.

The moment I just come out
and say I'm happy,

and I'm in love with Mitch.

Oh, my God! Something awful has happened!

It's Simon.

I haven't heard from him in months, and now

out of the blue he wants to video chat?

Oh, I should get this over with right now

and tell him about Mitch.

- But I can't.
- Why not?

I can't video chat like this.

You have to look your sexiest
when you're telling a man

you're never going to have sex
with him again.

Shall I clear the table?

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I've seen these.

It's a water gun, right?

Leave the gun.

Take the cannolis.

There, this will take care of the shadows.

You're all set for your video chat.

Just remember, your right side
is your best,

never show the left side of your face.

What's wrong with my left side?

Nothing, it's gorgeous.

- But you just said...
- Melanie, hello!

Something terrible just happened.

- A cop just gave me a ticket.
- What?

We can't flirt our way
out of tickets in Cleveland?

Why even live here?

No, it was a female cop.

And I got caught up in
the whole Elka Godfather thing.

And I said, if the ticket
would somehow go away,

that Elka would give her a promotion.

Now she's going to investigate Elka.

Why would you do that?

I'm weak. I'm Fredo.

Ugh!

- Oh, my God.

It's Simon.

Okay, just remember, your
left side's your best side.

No, no, no, her right side
is her best side.

Her left side is crap.

No, her right side is crap.

Go!

Hello, Simon.

How are you?

Joy, you look fantastic.

Do I?

This is how I look all the time now.

Since you left.

Why are your breasts glowing?

That happens all the time now too.

Look, Simon...

Joy, I'm sorry I haven't been
in touch lately,

but I think about you all the time.

And Owen and Wilbur. How is everyone?

Everyone is doing great.

But there's something I need to tell you.

I've met someone, and, well...

I'm in love.

Simon?

You seem to have frozen.

I don't know what you heard.

Simon.

Simon!

Look close.

Tell me what you think?

Is this the face of a man
who just heard me say,

"I'm in love with someone else"?

I don't know.

But this is the face of somebody
who's tired of hearing about it.

Joy, honey, we've been
analyzing this for two days now,

And, until you reach him, you're
not going to know what he heard.

I think you should
just delete it and move on.

I want to, but for some reason

I can't seem to delete his stupid face.

Do you think you still might
have feelings for him?

I don't know.

I hope not.

I'm so unsettled about the whole thing.

I just wish Mitch would get back.

Oh, I know how you feel, honey.

I'm waiting and hoping for my man too.

It's an Oscar, not a real man.

But he's made of gold,
and he has no opinions,

So in some ways he's better.

That's true.

You know, Joy, when I'm troubled

And I want to talk things out,
I go to confession.

The last time I went
was when Simon got me pregnant.

I suppose God might enjoy the irony.

Oh, poor Joy.

If only there was some way she
could get in touch with Simon.

I might be able to help with that.

Oh, my God, Simon?

What are you doing here?

Before the computer crashed,

I heard enough to know
that Joy was dumping me.

I was on the next flight out of the Sudan.

He got in last night.

He stayed at my place.

Nothing happened, obviously.

That's our story.

Simon, you can't just leave Joy again

And then just waltz back into
her life whenever you're ready.

Yeah, you left.

She found someone else. She's happy.

- Buzz off.
- I made a mistake.

I should've come back sooner.

I love her. I can't live without her.

I need to see for myself
if this Mitch makes her feel

the way I used to make her feel.

And how are you going to do that?

Just up and confront her?

No, if I did that, she'd send me packing.

I need to find a way to get close to her

without her knowing it's me

So I can soften her up a little bit first.

You know, remind her
of what I used to mean to her.

Mm, you mean trick her
into liking you again.

Look, if Joy really
loves Mitch, then there's

nothing I can say that's gonna change that.

And if that's the case, I'll admit defeat

and head off back to Khartoum.

Oh, my God, this is like something

out of those great Rom-come.

He flew halfway around the world
just to win her back.

What if Simon is her true love,
and Mitch is just a rebound?

I think I'm on team Simon.

I'm still on team Mitch.

I'm sorry, Simon, but you had your chance.

Let me take one more shot.

Please.

All right.

I need something to fill the
time until my Oscar gets here.

So is it big news in Sudan that I won?

People are fighting and dying there.

Is that a yes or a no?

I have an idea.

If you need a disguise,

maybe you should be a Scottish nanny,

like Mrs. Doubtfire.

What a great movie that was.

My favorite part
was when the pots boiled over.

There's nothing funnier than boobs on fire.

So it's settled.

No, it's not settled!

I'm not being Mrs. Doubtfire.

I'll come up with something better.

Councilwoman.

Somebody tried to bribe a police officer

using your name.

We have a rat in our midst.

This does not please me.

Did they mention a name?

No, but we'll find out who it is.

And when we do, we go to the mattresses.

What?

We always think better after a nice nap.

Hello, Father.

It's been 30 years or so
since my last confession.

So, if I confess my sins,
it would take way too long.

I'd actually just like to talk
about a guy, if that's okay.

Tell me everything, my child.

His name is Simon.

Simon. There's a good strong name.

I'm pretty sure he was one of the apostles.

Pretty sure?

Tell me about him.

He was my first love.

We had a child together
that I gave up for adoption,

and just recently he's come back
into my life again.

Sounds like you're still in love with him.

No. I mean, I was.

I don't know.

I found someone else, and I'm happy.

His name is Mitch and...

I've never cared for that name.

There's the story in the Bible of a Mitch

who broke women's hearts

and, um, fornicated with goats.

- Really?
- Mm.

Well, my Mitch is not like that.

When I first saw him, I had
the feeling that he was the man

I was going to marry.

I think he's my soul mate.

Did you ever think Simon
was your soul mate?

I did.

And I felt happy and fulfilled
when he came back.

Then he left.

He always leaves.

That's what he does.

Did he leave for some vile reason?

No.

He stopped being a paparazzi
for me and left to do something

noble with his life so his
grandson would be proud of him.

So your original soul mate is a hero.

Maybe.

Sounds like you miss him.

I bet he misses you too.

I feel confused.

Well, as the Church says,
it's good to doubt.

You're a very unusual priest.

Well, you know, new pope, new rules.

Elka's going to find out I'm the rat.

Well, so what?

She's not really the Godfather.

She's not going to do anything to you.

But she's going to be
so disappointed in me.

I mean, I'm the good one.

I'm the sweet one.

You have no idea what that's like.

No, I don't, but it sounds dull.

Oh, look, there's Joy.

So how did things go with the priest?

Terrible.

I went there hoping to get Simon
off my mind.

Now he's all I can think about.

I almost thought I smelled his cologne.

I'm sorry, guys.

I'm not good company right now.

I'm just gonna take my wine to go.

Wow, Joy really seems torn about Simon.

I know.

Isn't it great?

The seed of doubt has been planted.

She's weak and vulnerable
and drinking heavily.

She's the woman I fell in love with.

I'm not so sure this
is in Joy's best interest.

I'm sorry, Simon,
but I'm on team Mitch now.

Well, I'm switching to team Simon.

He shows an impressive range

and a real commitment to his character.

- She should be with him.
- Well put.

So I reminded her how she used
to think I was her soul mate.

Now I need to remind her of how
she used to thrill to my touch.

Just close your eyes,liebchen,

and let Hans hands set you free.

I'm so grateful Victoria
insisted on this massage.

I've been a bit tense lately.

There's something very familiar
about your touch.

Uh-uh, no looking.

The hands become shy.

Hans' hands are uber "Ge-shy-zingen."

Your tenseness suggests
a lack of sexual fulfillment.

Joy, tell me about the sex that you make.

Don't worry, I'm 100% gay.

The sight of your naked body
actually repulses me.

Oh, well...

Sex with Mitch is actually amazing.

And since you're gay,

I can tell you he has the most... ow!

So what I am hearing is,

he's not the best sex you've ever had.

I didn't say that!

Well, there is another man from my past

who is Mitch's equal, sexually.

I've put the thought of this
wonderful man in your mind.

I created doubt and confusion in your head.

Oh, I feel terrible.

Well, I've awakened
all of the old feelings,

and I reminded her that
I'm the best sex she ever had.

I don't think I could name a best partner.

To me orgasms are like doughnuts.

I never had a bad one.

Even day-olds are just fine.

What I need to do
is tug at Joy's heart strings.

We share a son and a grandson.

I've got to make her realize how much
this chance to be one happy family

really means.

Oh, that's Joy!

Get down.

I can't believe it.

On top of everything else,
Wilbur's nanny just quit.

Apparently, she wants a family of her own.

Well, this time I'm hiring an older nanny.

Someone who's looking at her
uterus in the rear-view mirror.

So Joy needs a nanny.

Perhaps a scottish nanny.

No.

There has to be a better idea.

I'm sorry, I'm having a bit
of trouble reading your resume.

I'm a bit blind right now.

Somehow my contacts
and my glasses disappeared.

That's all right, dearie.

You have a very pretty squint.

Really?

Thank you, Mrs. Mccracken.

Oh, please.

Call me Elspeth.

Well, you seem delightful,

and whatever you're baking
in the kitchen smells wonderful.

Do you have any questions for me?

Well, just the one, dearie.

I was wondering about the whereabouts
of Wilbur's grandfather.

He's no longer around.

We were together, but I'm
in a new relationship now

And very happy.

Onwards and upwards, no regrets.

Oh, there's always regrets.

I had a man, my first love, in fact.

He was handsome and craggy, quite a catch.

But then I was considered
a great beauty in my home town.

Was it a small town?

It was, but I didn't treat him well,
and I lost him to another woman.

You say you're happy with your new man,

but there must be part of you
that dreamed of keeping your clan together.

- I suppose so.
- Mm.

Just think of the Christmases.

The bairn and his parents and grandparents

all hanging stockings by the fire.

Wilbur, Owen, Joy and...
What was the grandfather's name?

- Simon.
- Simon.

Oh, goes so well on a sock.

That would be my cookies.

I've done it.

I've done it.

Her mind, her body and her heart
are all a mess, thanks to me.

I'm going to stay in Cleveland.

I'm going to do whatever
it takes to win her back.

Oh, how romantic.

Uh-oh. Those pots look
like they're boiling over.

Oh, you're right, Mamie Sue, they are.

What?

I thought I was just making cookies.

Oh, no. I know what you're doing.

You want me to set my boobs
on fire like Mrs. Doubtfire.

Well, it's not gonna happen,

'cause these babies are not made of foam.

They're a realistic mix of
popcorn kernels and birdseed.

Now, we know why he likes Joy.

He has no idea how a real breast feels.

Anything I can do to help?

No, everything's under control.

Oh! Hot!

Is everything all right?

Ah, just a spot of bother with my rack.

Do I smell popcorn?

No, I-I don't think so.

There's some on your blouse.

Oh, yes, my blouse corn.

The kiddie-winks love it.

Well, I just remembered,

there's another interview
that I have to go to.

So I'll leave you with my cookies,

and I'll, uh, pop off.

Bye.

-- Oh, my God, birds!

So you just got a slap
on the wrist from the mayor?

Well, that's not so bad.

You probably don't even care
who the rat is anymore, right?

Moving on.

I know it was you, Melanie.

You broke my heart.

Elka, I'm so sorry.

Can you ever forgive me?

As a sign of forgiveness,
the councilwoman has asked me

to take you on a boat ride tomorrow.

I just got a text from Mitch.

He's coming back early because
he misses me so much.

Oh, that's so sweet.

It is.

I have a man who comes back.

Why am I making myself crazy
over a man who always leaves?

I mean Mitch is rushing back
to me, and Simon is halfway

around the world, probably not
even thinking about me.

Although, before his face froze,

he did say he was thinking
about me all the time.

Oh, why can't I get him out of my head?

Well, we just want you to be happy.

So whoever you do choose,
we are on Team Joy.

Team Joy all the way.

Thanks, guys.

Oh, my God, that must be my Oscar.

Coming, darling!

Oh, thank you, thank you!

No, no autographs.

This is it!

The thing that will finally
give me peace and contentment.

What the hell is this fat man?

It's a Buddha.

Well, what does a Buddha have to do

with peace and contentment?

Wait, if you've got someone's
Buddha, who has your Oscar?

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Oh!

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