Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 22 - Win Win - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Look, I can do it this time.
I can look happy.

Try another one.

Okay, the winner of the Academy
Award for best supporting actress is...

Helen Mirren.

Honey, you can't say that on TV.

Oh, I know.

Why am I incapable of faking happiness

for other people?

Melanie, how do you do it?

I'm not faking it.



I am genuinely happy when others do well.

But... Why?

Well, at least with
Elka sitting next to me,

someone will smile convincingly if I lose.

Again,

Elka is staying in Cleveland.

Her city council election's the same night

as the Oscars.

I'm your date now.

Melanie lost the coin toss.

And I am genuinely happy for you, Joy.

Wow. That was so gracious.

You know, I can do that.

No, no, no. Joy, announce the winner again.



Okay.

And the Academy Award goes to...

Helen Mirren.

Was that better?

Oh, look!

George Clooney looks so cute.

How did it go at the Latino festival?

Oh, great.

They're all gonna vote for me.

Because you lied to them,

like you lie to everyone.

She promised them she'd make Spanish

the official language of Cleveland.

Campaign promises...
They're like Joy's dates.

They do the deed, and then they disappear.

Ooh, hey, while you were out,

did you see the billboards
for my radio show?

Yes, it's a beautiful picture of you.

Thank you.

It's all part of this new
marketing campaign.

And the station manager...
well, he let me bring this home.

- Oh, wow.
- Gorgeous.

They may have photoshopped it
just a itty-bitty-bitty bit.

Just like you.

It's wonderful you don't care

what people are saying about it

It's a website with pictures
of famous people

before and after they've
"allegedly" been altered.

Oh, my God.

They took this totally unflattering

"before" picture of me

and posted it right next
to what I really look like.

Okay, maybe I have gained a few pounds

since I broke my foot

and I haven't been able to exercise,

but this is just mean.

I promise, if I'm elected,

I will see that anyone

who makes fun of you is killed.

I appreciate that, Elka, but you know what?

Maybe this is just my wake-up call.

I am not gonna leave this house
until I look like her.

All I have to do is not eat

and avoid any emotional triggers

that are gonna make me want to eat.

- Hi, baby.
- Oh, my God.

It's my mom.

And I'm pretty sure I just gained 5 pounds.

- Synced and corrected by oykubuyuk -

Look, Melly, when I saw
those awful comments online

of people calling you fat...

Well, they didn't actually say "fat."

Did you read all of them? Because I did.

Horrible website.

I agree.

Every day I look at it, I'm appalled.

I'm here to support you any way I can.

If you're going on a big diet,
I'm going on a big diet.

Okay, for dinner, I was thinking

kale and quinoa...

whoa!

Nobody can start a diet

this late in the day.

It's not safe.

Macaroons, girls?

- Oh, I couldn't.
- Oh, neither could I.

We have to fit into our gowns

for the Academy Awards next week.

That's right.

Oh, if I was going to the Academy Awards,

I'd be stress-eating like crazy.

And yet look at the two of you.

What's your secret to dealing with stress?

I drink.

I sleep around.

I admire your discipline.

Would you like to see my gown?

Oh, a sneaek! How exciting!

I'll show you mine too.

Oh!

What do you think?

I decided to go simple yet stunning.

Wait.

Where have I seen that dress before?

Oh, that's right.

Tmz.

Someone leaked the gown
Charlize Theron is wearing.

What?

I'm wearing the same dress
as Charlize Theron?

Oh, don't worry.

It'll look a lot different on her.

Oh, this is a disaster.

I'm going to be the lowest score ever

on "who wore it better?"

I wish I could just know if I won.

Otherwise, I... I'd rather stay in bed.

Oh, like Joan Crawford.

She skipped the awards one year

because she thought she would lose.

Right. I saw that in Mommie Dearest.

The networks put cameras
by her fake sickbed,

you know, to film her in case she won.

But actresses were crazy back then.

I'll do it.

Oh, thank you, Joan Crawford,

for your inspiring example.

You don't hear that very often.

Then it's settled.

The academy will have to come to me.

We are all going to stay in Cleveland.

No one is going to the oscars.

Here it is.

It cost a fortune.

But I've always dreamed
of going to the Academy Awards

ever since I was a little girl,

and now that dream is coming true.

Here, Joy, have a cookie.

Excuse me, sir.

Did you drop this $20 bill?

"Vote Ostrovsky"?

Sounds like good advice.

Elka, bad news.

People are saying Councilman Powell

is buying votes for $10 a piece.

I'm appalled.

I've been paying 20.

It gets worse.

He's holding a big "get
out the vote" rally tonight

in Port Lee.

There's only one bridge

between here and Port Lee, right?

Yes.

Sounds like it's time
for some traffic problems

on the bridge to Port Lee.

This was a great idea, Victoria.

With elections today
and the Oscars tonight,

I thought we should all free our minds

and meditate on what's really important.

Winning.

Winning gloriously.

I'm not worried about tonight.

Elka did a terrible thing.

She caused a traffic jam
on the bridge to Port Lee.

How did she do that?

She sent a mass email
to thousands of seniors

saying that's where they could
meet their favorite stars

from the weather channel.

I also told them the bridge toll

would be half price
if they paid in pennies.

You know, this mask smells delicious.

Hmm, avocado and honey.

And there's no calories
if it's on your face.

Why is it whenever I'm on a diet,

all I can think about is food?

It's almost lustful.

I saw a study that said that 52% of women

would choose chocolate over sex.

I sure never told a bar of chocolate

I was too sleepy.

You know, men say they love curves,

but what they're really saying
is, they love boobs.

If Sofia Vergara's breast fat
was in her belly,

they wouldn't love her curves so much.

Those things are gonna sag.

Big-time.

Any day now.

And why do we do that?

Judge each other so harshly,

grab magazines with pictures
of celebrity cellulite.

You know what? We women...

we need to create a judgment-free zone.

I'm so glad to hear you say that, Melanie,

because I've been wanting
to share my story.

Growing up, I was so skinny.

I'd eat and eat anything I wanted

and never put on an ounce.

To this day, I have trouble
keeping on weight.

Cheese, French fries, chocolate, wine...

they all fall right off.

Oh, it's so nice to say these things

and not be judged.

You know, Melanie, we've been good so far,

and we got the ankle weights on,

so even breathing's an exercise.

We deserve a treat.

How about some frozen yogurt, sprinkles,

and maybe some gummy bears?

No, mom. We're on a diet.

Come on.

Gummy bears... They're practically fruit.

I am not gonna reward myself with food.

You know, you've been
doing that since I was a kid.

Oh, so it's all my fault.

It's always the mother's fault.

No, it's not all your fault.

I'm just saying you're not helping me.

Well, if I'm not helping you,

maybe I should get out of here.

Mom, don't run away from me.

Too late. I'm out of here.

Yeah, well, not if I catch you.

Can you believe she ate her face mask?

Still in the room.

I can't believe it's Oscar night.

Joy, I'm sorry you couldn't wear your gown.

But the good news is,
the white of your uniform

is bouncing light into my hair.

That is good news.

Oh, it's all set.

I have my lovely nurse by my side.

And George Clooney
will be sitting right here

in his adorable doggy

staying put because I put
a little bacon grease on my leg.

Could you open that window just a skosh

so the candles flicker,

making my eyes dance?

Now, if I win... And we all know I should...

a red light will appear on that camera,

which will be a direct feed
to the network broadcast.

I gaze at my adoring fans
and despising peers,

make a quick gasp of surprise, like this...

Bee!

- How'd it go with your mom?
- Oh, terrible.

She's on her way to the airport now.

You know, I tried to have
a reasonable conversation

where I calmly explained to her
that she was the cause

of all my problems,
and somehow she took offense.

Any election news?

It's neck and neck.

They're talking about Port Lee.

Turn it up.

No one can explain why,

but traffic is moving very, very slowly

on the bridge to Port Lee.

They can't pin it on me.

Mamie Sue Johnson.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

It's the Plain Dealer.
They're pinning it on you.

They have a copy of the Port Lee email.

Tell them I have
no prior knowledge of this.

Elka Ostrovsky
had no prior knowledge of this.

She's gonna fire the person responsible.

She's going to fire the person responsible.

Mamie Sue Johnson.

Mamie Sue Johnson.

That's me.

You Chris Christie'd me!

It'sust potics.

You know, if I am fired, I should go.

No need to drive me home.

I'll take the bus you threw me under.

Most of the swelling
is on the inside of your mouth.

The rest I made look like
a Cindy Crawford beauty mole.

Well, with lighting, you can hide anything.

Rumor has it, Eva Mendes has a hunchback.

You started that rumor.

And it never caught on the way I'd hoped.

Well, we just need to move all the candles

to the good side of my face.

Careful.

There's a lot of chemicals in the air

from your hair spray,
and it could catch on...

I know. I know.

I shouldn't drink on an empty stomach.

But my mom's not here,
so I can do what I want.

If you're done talking to your wine glass,

I'm trying to hear the TV.

Oh, look, I think
they're going to say who won.

With 80% of the votes counted,
we are calling

the hotly contested
tenth council district race

for Elka Ostrovsky.

You won!

I won?

What's all the screaming about down here?

Elka won.

Oh, congratulations.

Hey, what's all the screaming
about up there?

Oh, Victoria got stung by a bee,

and her hair caught on fire,

but it's all going to be fine.

We're told that ex-councilman Powell

will be calling Ostrovsky soon
to graciously concede.

Hey, Powell.

No, you go to hell.

No, you go to hell.

No, you go to hell!

The turban totally works.

It sells your illness with
classic old Hollywood glamour.

So I might start a trend?

Sure. Why not?

Well, we have an hour to relax.

Check out the live feed.

Let's see what's going on at the oscars.

The academy awards will be right back

with the awards for best sound editing...

Total snooze fest. We got time.

And best actress in a supporting role.

What? Already?

Oh, my God.

You told us your category
wasn't up for another hour.

No, well, that's what they told me.

They said it would be on at 5:30.

And since there's
a four-hour time difference

between actual time and Ohio time...

it's a three-hour difference,
you cotton-headed actress.

Oh, God! I could be on camera any second.

I'm nervous. I need wine.

No. I could be on camera too. I need wine.

What the hell am I gonna do?

They're about to announce my category.

Don't panic.

We'll just turn your jacket around.

Remember when Celine Dion

wore that backwards tux to the oscars?

She looked like a mentally
challenged caterer.

Yes, but a gorgeous, sexy, young

mentally challenged caterer.

I'm listening.

I share this award
with my assistant sound editor

and best friend, Chelsea Myers.

I couldn't have won without you.

I couldn't have won without mamie sue.

And winning wouldn't be fun without you.

You're right, boring sound guy.

Most of all, I want to thank my mother.

Mom, I'd give anything to
have you here with me tonight.

This is for you. Hug your moms, everyone.

Now boring sound guy is right about me.

But I can't hug my mom
because I chased her away.

And you know who I blame?

Yourself?

No.

Her.

And this... This unrealistic idea

of what women are supposed to be.

I blame her and... And Hollywood

and... And society!

Everyone but me!

You should eat something.

Ivy Johnson forNight of the Hereafter.

Hurry up.

Can you still see the
wine stains on my sleeves?

No. It's okay.
I'll just tie them behind you.

And Victoria chase forCleveland Rhapsody.

Oh, God. That's me. Hurry.

It's done. You're good.

I can't move my arms.

Do I look like I'm wearing a straitjacket?

No. You're stunning.

And the Oscar goes to Helen Mirren.

And Victoria Chase.

What?

It's a tie!

You won!

The red light's on!

We've been on TV the whole time.

Oh, my God.

Did Joy get stung by a bee too?

That's her breast.

And look at that audience... judging them.

Well, I'm judging all of you
skinny bitches!

And I find you guilty!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Thank you, Academy.

Stop it. Stop it, George Clooney.

I'm sorry.

George Clooney is humping my leg.

'Cause you see, he's attracted
to my bacon smell.

Because he's a dog.

George Clooney is a dog.

I'm not crazy!

Nurse, show America George Clooney.

Uh, yes, I wish I could be there
with all of you,

but I donated my liver.

- Kidney.
- Kidney, right.

And while I know I look horrible...

no, you do not look horrible.

Y-you people in Hollywood,
you're the horrible ones.

Melanie, what the hell are you doing?

I'm taking a stand.

Shame on you, Hollywood
and all you size zero dresses.

This is what normal looks like.

And, mom, I'm sorry. I... I love you.

I'm sorry, Mamie sue. I'm so sorry.

I shouldn't have thrown you under the bus.

Music!

For the love of God, please, play me off!

Oh, thank you, Susan Lucci.

It was so nice of you to call me

and congratulate me on winning an Oscar.

Oh, that's right. I called you.

I can't believe I won an Oscar.

What an amazing night.

To Victoria and Elka.

The only downside was that
a billion people saw my boob.

Oh, stop complaining, Joy.

You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

I thought the whole thing was wonderful,

especially when you came on
and talked about me.

But you didn't have to apologize, Elka.

Oh, yes, I did, Mamie Sue.

You're my best friend.

It was actually kind of exciting

to be at the center of a scandal.

A few of the bad boys from
the senior center friended me.

Thanks for coming back, mom.

Well, I had to after I heard

that acceptance speech at the airport.

I'm so embarrassed.

All I heard was, "I love you, mom."

Or at least that's what I think you said.

Everyone around me was laughing so hard.

I really am sorry,

'cause I really do appreciate

that you flew all the way
to Ohio to support me.

Well, reading those cruel comments online

reminded me of when you had
your scoliosis brace

in high school and the boys
weren't asking you out

and the mean girls were teasing you.

Oh, I miss those days.

What?

I mean, those nights in the kitchen,

talking it out while we made brownies.

We were so close, and I loved
making you feel better.

Oh, brownie nights did make me feel better.

And deep-fried twinkie nights...

oh, I felt like I was being hugged

by a thousand cream-filledngels.

Okay, in hindsight,

maybe I did reinforce some bad patterns.

Yeah, but maybe I've gotten to an age

where I have to stop blaming my mom

for the things that I do.

Oh, sweetie, you're never too old

to blame your mother.

I still blame mine.

Your grandmother was a piece of work.

Yeah, maybe it's all her fault.

I can live with that.

Oh, hey, you two, I know you're dieting,

but would you like some cake and champagne?

Absolutely.

It's a well-known rule

there are no calories in celebration food.

Whose rule is that?

It's a rule.