Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 24 - The Bachelors - full transcript
The annual birthdates episode. Every year, the ladies celebrate their collective birthday by fixing each other up on blind dates. This time it ends with more than one proposal.
- Hot in Cleveland
is recorded in front of
a live studio audience.
- The moment we've all been
waiting for is finally here.
Tonight,
on the most dramatic episode
in the history of this series...
- You don't have to shout.
I'm right here.
- I'm sorry, Joy.
Um, look...
You're about to embark
on an incredible journey.
Tell us about it.
- Well, every year
for our fake birthdays,
my friends and I fix
each other up.
- Four women, four dates.
There's a chance no one's heart
is gonna be broken here.
Where's the fun in that?
- Oh, there's always plenty
of heartbreak.
But this year's going
to be different.
- Do you say that every year?
- Yes.
But this year really
is going to be different.
- Do you also say that
every year?
- Yes...
- Just tell me about the dates.
- Well, Elka wanted us to track
down Stan, her first love,
who she left behind in Poland
70 years ago.
- He was Mr. Sour Cream
when I was Miss Teen Potato.
When the villagers
laid him on top of me
and wrapped us in tinfoil,
well, one thing
led to another...
- So, what kind of ritual
is that?
- Well, it was supposed
to keep the Germans away.
In hindsight,
we should've invested in tanks.
- Victoria wanted us to set
her up with a male model
she saw in Cleveland Magazine.
- Well, I don't care
about romance.
All I want is beauty.
- You say that every year.
- Yeah, well, I have yet
to get it.
I have put up with man boobs,
conjoined twins...
webbing, and tails.
- What's so weird about a guy
with a tail?
You know, many prominent, sexy
entertainment personalities
have tails.
- Oh, my God, do you mean you...
- Hey, you know, uh,
why don't you just tell me about
the date with Melanie.
- Well, she wanted a guy
who called into her radio show
looking for advice for
his shyness with women.
- So, I told him to see
a counselor.
And then, a week later,
he calls back off the air
and he was just so grateful
and sweet,
and incredibly perceptive.
- What exactly did he say?
- He said I was beautiful
and smart.
- Well, I wish you luck
with your desperate
little dating capers.
I, of course,
will be with Mitch,
the man I love, and who,
in an unusual twist,
loves me back.
So, don't even bother
wishing me luck,
because, for once in my life,
I don't need it.
- So you rubbed it in
your friends' faces
by saying you had
the perfect date.
And then you tempted fate
by saying
nothing could possibly
go wrong for you.
In retrospect,
you wish you hadn't done that?
- I do.
I really do.
- ♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
- So you're an actual
rocket scientist?
Why didn't you tell me?
- Well, when you tell people
you're a rocket scientist,
they assume you're brilliant.
It's a lot to live up to.
- So are you brilliant?
- I kind of am, yeah.
Oh.
Brian,
I'm having such a good time.
- Oh, me too.
The world...
disappears when I look at you.
- Oh, Brian.
Someone's gotten
over their shyness, huh?
- Oh, sorry I'm late.
How are things going?
- Uh, great, I think. Uh,
things are going great, right?
- I—yeah.
Um, Brian, who is this?
- I'm sorry,
Melanie, this is Marcy.
- Oh, so nice to meet you.
Have you touched her yet?
- I've held her hand. Mm-hm.
- Good, good, that's very good.
Any compliments?
- Well, I did the one about
the world disappearing.
- Oh, excellent.
- Yeah.
- Uh, sorry, I still don't know
who Marcy is.
- Oh, oh.
When you advised me
to get professional help,
Marcy is the person I called.
- Oh, she's your therapist.
- Mm, in a way.
I'm his sex surrogate.
- What?
- Yeah, yeah.
We've had sex enough times
that, uh, I'm...
I'm ready to do it
with a woman I'm dating.
- And if tonight goes well,
Melanie, that could be you.
And let me tell you,
you're in for a treat.
- Elka?
- Yes?
- It's me, Stan!
Your first love?
- Stan?
- Well, I'm Olga, now.
But you haven't changed a bit.
- You, on the other hand...
- I just happened upon a picture
of you on the internet,
in a bathing suit,
and I have to ask...
was there any photoshopping
done,
or are you actually...
perfect from head to toe?
- I actually am.
But that's so superficial.
The thing that made me
want to go out with you
was when I read
that you donated a kidney.
- That makes me glad I did it.
- You inspired me,
gave me the courage
to take a break
from modeling, help someone out.
- Are you donating a kidney
to someone?
- No, uh, my brother
was in a car accident
and his nose
was irreparably damaged.
Well, forehead skin is the best
match for nose skin.
- So... you're donating
some of your perfect
forehead skin to your brother?
- Even better.
This is really gonna
make you happy.
Impressive, huh?
- Well, it's nothing
to sneeze at.
- It was so romantic of you
to reserve the whole patio
just for us.
Mitch, are you okay?
- Joy, I've been thinking a lot
about the two of us
and about how much we love each
other and about our future.
- Future?
Are you saying
what I think you're saying?
- Please, I want to get this
just right.
- Sorry, go ahead.
- Okay, uh, where was I?
Thinking about the two of us...
love each other, future...
Oh, uh, yeah.
Deep breath.
Take a knee.
Joy, I love you so much.
Will you—will you...
- Joy, will you marry me?
- What the hell?
- Simon, did you
just propose to me?
- Yes, I did.
- Well, so did I.
I w—I mean, I was going to.
Joy, will you marry me?
And not him?
- Mine's bigger.
- He brought his sex surrogate.
This is the worst date ever.
- Is it, Melanie?
How many noses
does your date have?
Because mine has two.
- That's nuts.
And speaking of nuts,
my date doesn't have any
anymore.
- Two men just proposed to me.
First Mitch, and then Simon!
- Oh, my God, Joy!
- I know!
Two wonderful, handsome men
who want to spend
the rest of their lives with me.
Oh, this is all so complicated.
- There's only one thing
more complicated.
A third such man
who wanted to propose
but... missed his bus.
- Bob?
- Joy...
will you marry me?
- It was my grandmother's ring.
She loved it so much,
she was buried with it.
Please... don't ask
the next logical question.
- Joy. Three bachelors,
one final rose.
Two of these men
will leave tonight,
utterly devastated.
This is more like it.
- I needed some time to think,
so my friends went back
to their dates.
Ah! Ha ha.
Sorry. Ha.
Last-minute cram session.
So, how were my hands?
- Oh, terrific.
- Mm-hmm?
- You really painted the entire
- canvas of my back beautifully.
- Well.
- When we started, Brian was
a little same-spot-Sally.
- You know what? I think the two
of us can take it from here.
- Oh! Okay.
- Uh...
- Don't be nervous.
I'll be at the bar.
- Um...
Oh, this is gonna be weird,
doing it without Marcy.
- It was a little weird
doing it with Marcy.
So, are you originally
from Cleveland?
- I love her, Melanie!
- What?
- I love Marcy!
I started having sex with her
because I wanted to be with you,
but then the strangest
thing happened.
I started having feelings
for the person
I was having sex with.
Yeah, but
beggars can't be choosers.
I'm on a date with you, so...
Do you have any hobbies?
- Yeah, don't even.
- All right.
- So, in a few weeks,
the nose will be... harvested,
and...
you'll be your hot self again.
- Actually, I've decided I, uh,
I have a responsibility
to let my fertile forehead
serve humanity.
- I—I'm sorry, what?
- Yeah, see this little guy
right here?
- In 18 months, that's gonna be
a full-grown ear.
- The more I drink,
the less crazy it seems
- that you became a woman!
- Both:
- Well, you remember
our town's motto...
"Drink until it makes sense."
- Mmm... Ah.
- I can't believe
you're my Stanislaus.
- Oh, I am.
The same person that sat
in the ox cart with you
- in the moonlight.
- Both:
- That's where we shared
our first kiss!
- You were the only voman
I ever loved.
- I guess you were
the only "voman"
I ever loved, too.
- Look, you're three
amazing men, and, hopefully
we can get through this without
too many hurt feelings.
- Obviously this situation
is a potential minefield,
so let's agree from the start...
separate checks?
- Look, Joy, this is insane.
I'm your boyfriend.
I invited you here
to propose to you.
From the moment we met,
you said I was the man
you wanted to marry.
- Yes, and then you immediately
started cavorting
with her friend Melanie.
- That's true.
- But, I proposed first.
- Actually, I proposed first.
We have a child
and a grandchild together.
And—and you always said that
I'm the love of your life.
If anyone's destined
to be with you forever, it's me.
- Yeah, you'd better move fast.
Knowing Simon, you'll say "yes,"
and he'll be on the first plane
to can't-commit-istan.
- Mitch makes an excellent point
about how awful Simon is.
- Can we just get rid of Bob
and narrow the field
to the real contenders?
- Agreed.
- Hey, I thought we had
an alliance.
- Why would we have an alliance?
- All right, fine.
If the gloves are off,
I suggest you kick Scotty
and Fatso here to the curb.
- Hey, I'm not fat anymore.
- Oh, I don't know,
those pounds are coming back.
- Shut up.
- You shut up!
- Both of you shut up.
Right, Joy?
- Okay.
Obviously this
group date was a terrible idea.
Why don't I talk to each one
of you separately?
- May the best man win.
- Or the funniest.
- Or the tallest and smartest
and handsomest.
Or just the tallest
and smartest.
- So you're still considering
all three of them, even Bob?
- Yes, even Bob.
I like him.
- And he likes you.
Which puts him ahead of my date,
who's in love
with his sexual surrogate.
It's so strange!
- Is it, Melanie?
Stranger than a man
with two noses,
and an extra ear?
I am on a date
with Mr. Potato Head.
- Well, I'd better
get back out there
and make the biggest decision
of my life.
- Joy? Choose a good one.
You deserve it.
- Okay, I'm waiting.
Where's the insult?
I've got no boobs, I'm old,
I'm skanky...
- I'm saving those
for your wedding toast.
- Bob, you're a terrific guy.
But we've never even been
on a date.
Marriage seems quite the leap.
- Fine, forget me.
Focus on your other two suitors.
Let's face it,
both Mitch and Simon
are gonna lose their looks,
whereas I...
will look like this forever.
Well, as long as
Shoppers Drug Mart continues
to make Apricot Kiss Foam-in
Hair Color, For Men.
- Stop making me laugh.
- Why, Joy? You love to laugh.
I could guarantee you
a lifetime of laughter.
Joy, I've been in love with you
from the first moment I met you.
- But what about
your girlfriend in Canada?
Are you sure that's over?
- Her last words to me were,
"Get out of here, you big dick."
- I'm sorry.
- Focus on the last two words,
Joy.
- I love Joy so much.
She should be with me.
It's as plain the nose on my...
Holy crap!
- You obviously recognize me
from Cleveland Magazine.
- Yeah, that's it.
- What do I do if Joy doesn't
pick me?
I'll be lost,
I'll be devastated,
I—I won't be able to go on.
- Let me ask you something.
Were you always a man?
- You could always
make me smile.
- Oh, Elka.
If only you were a man.
- I was just about to say
the same thing.
- What the hell is going on
here?
- Joy, you mean the world to me.
We're soul mates.
Even after I lost 300 pounds,
I would look at myself
in the mirror,
and I would see a fat guy.
But your love has given me
the confidence to see myself
for who I truly am...
a very handsome man.
- Mitch.
- I'm very handsome, Joy.
Borderline pretty.
- You really are.
- And you are...
a little shallow, right?
- More than a little.
- Then picture waking up
for the next 50 years
next to Simon or Bob,
or waking up...
next to this.
- You make a lot of sense,
Mitch.
A lot of sense.
- So, Marcy, Brian and I have
been, um, talking,
and he has something that
he would like to say to you.
Brian?
- Yes.
Marcy, uh, I, you see...
- Sorry to interrupt. Melanie?
- What?
- I need your help to win Joy.
Anything that will make her
want me over all other men.
- Maybe I can help.
By having sex with me,
you'll become a better lover.
- You have my attention.
- No, I-I-I don't want you
having sex with anybody but me.
- I'm flattered, but...
- Not you, her.
He's in love with her.
- Is this true?
- Yes, Marcy.
- So when I taught you to
call out Melanie's name,
you—you actually wanted
to call out mine?
- Yes.
No, I only thought of Melanie
when I needed to distract myself
to make it last longer.
- Oh!
- Sometimes I'd think of
her radio show, and...
I could last all night.
- I'm gonna need tape
of your show.
- So, Trevor, you're a model.
How do good-looking guys like us
win a woman?
- It's not about the looks.
If you really wanna capture
Joy's heart,
do something humanitarian.
Women love that.
- Do they?
- Well, yeah.
And you only know
about the ear and the nose.
You won't believe what I got
growing on my back.
You'll see.
- Will it see me?
Tell me now.
- You did a good thing, Melanie.
- Yeah, I did, didn't I?
- Why are we still sitting here?
And where's Mitch going?
It's not his turn.
- Can I get you another drink?
- What do you think?
- Joy.
When I look at you,
I see the teenage girl
I fell in love with.
And that's who
I'm always gonna see.
- Really?
- Dancing?
I didn't know
there'd be a dancing portion.
- Let go of her.
- No, you let go of her.
- She's mine.
- She's mine!
- Stop it!
All of you!
- Oh, my God!
- This has been quite a journey
for you, Joy.
Have you made your decision?
- I think I have.
I choose...
I choose...
Wait a minute.
You're not Chris Harrison.
- You've had a bad bump,
sweetie.
You need to lie
quiet for a while.
- I feel terrible.
I've never hit a woman before.
- Me either.
Except the time an elbow got
away from me in Zumba class.
- Cheer up, Simon.
If Joy doesn't pick you...
I'm right here.
- You know, Bob, I've always
thought you were kinda cute.
I'd go out with you.
- Keep it in your pants,
Melanie.
I'm in love with Joy.
- What a nice night it's been.
- It was great to see Stan
again, but...
I really had a feeling
I was gonna meet
a special man tonight.
- Elka?
- Max!
What are you doing here?
- I thought I was
having heart trouble.
But it was nothing.
Although, now,
it's starting to race again.
Is it?
- You know, I'm just visiting
from Florida.
I'm not staying very long, but,
uh, would you, uh...
- Yes!
- And maybe tomorrow?
- Yes.
- And there was something else
I wanted to ask you... uh...
- When you remember it, yes.
- Okay, she's doing fine.
She just needs to rest.
- Did she say anything about
which man
she was going to marry?
- She's in no condition to be
making life decisions.
- Then I guess everyone
is just gonna have to wait.
- ♪ Hey! ♪
- ♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪
♪♪
♪ Hey! ♪
is recorded in front of
a live studio audience.
- The moment we've all been
waiting for is finally here.
Tonight,
on the most dramatic episode
in the history of this series...
- You don't have to shout.
I'm right here.
- I'm sorry, Joy.
Um, look...
You're about to embark
on an incredible journey.
Tell us about it.
- Well, every year
for our fake birthdays,
my friends and I fix
each other up.
- Four women, four dates.
There's a chance no one's heart
is gonna be broken here.
Where's the fun in that?
- Oh, there's always plenty
of heartbreak.
But this year's going
to be different.
- Do you say that every year?
- Yes.
But this year really
is going to be different.
- Do you also say that
every year?
- Yes...
- Just tell me about the dates.
- Well, Elka wanted us to track
down Stan, her first love,
who she left behind in Poland
70 years ago.
- He was Mr. Sour Cream
when I was Miss Teen Potato.
When the villagers
laid him on top of me
and wrapped us in tinfoil,
well, one thing
led to another...
- So, what kind of ritual
is that?
- Well, it was supposed
to keep the Germans away.
In hindsight,
we should've invested in tanks.
- Victoria wanted us to set
her up with a male model
she saw in Cleveland Magazine.
- Well, I don't care
about romance.
All I want is beauty.
- You say that every year.
- Yeah, well, I have yet
to get it.
I have put up with man boobs,
conjoined twins...
webbing, and tails.
- What's so weird about a guy
with a tail?
You know, many prominent, sexy
entertainment personalities
have tails.
- Oh, my God, do you mean you...
- Hey, you know, uh,
why don't you just tell me about
the date with Melanie.
- Well, she wanted a guy
who called into her radio show
looking for advice for
his shyness with women.
- So, I told him to see
a counselor.
And then, a week later,
he calls back off the air
and he was just so grateful
and sweet,
and incredibly perceptive.
- What exactly did he say?
- He said I was beautiful
and smart.
- Well, I wish you luck
with your desperate
little dating capers.
I, of course,
will be with Mitch,
the man I love, and who,
in an unusual twist,
loves me back.
So, don't even bother
wishing me luck,
because, for once in my life,
I don't need it.
- So you rubbed it in
your friends' faces
by saying you had
the perfect date.
And then you tempted fate
by saying
nothing could possibly
go wrong for you.
In retrospect,
you wish you hadn't done that?
- I do.
I really do.
- ♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
- So you're an actual
rocket scientist?
Why didn't you tell me?
- Well, when you tell people
you're a rocket scientist,
they assume you're brilliant.
It's a lot to live up to.
- So are you brilliant?
- I kind of am, yeah.
Oh.
Brian,
I'm having such a good time.
- Oh, me too.
The world...
disappears when I look at you.
- Oh, Brian.
Someone's gotten
over their shyness, huh?
- Oh, sorry I'm late.
How are things going?
- Uh, great, I think. Uh,
things are going great, right?
- I—yeah.
Um, Brian, who is this?
- I'm sorry,
Melanie, this is Marcy.
- Oh, so nice to meet you.
Have you touched her yet?
- I've held her hand. Mm-hm.
- Good, good, that's very good.
Any compliments?
- Well, I did the one about
the world disappearing.
- Oh, excellent.
- Yeah.
- Uh, sorry, I still don't know
who Marcy is.
- Oh, oh.
When you advised me
to get professional help,
Marcy is the person I called.
- Oh, she's your therapist.
- Mm, in a way.
I'm his sex surrogate.
- What?
- Yeah, yeah.
We've had sex enough times
that, uh, I'm...
I'm ready to do it
with a woman I'm dating.
- And if tonight goes well,
Melanie, that could be you.
And let me tell you,
you're in for a treat.
- Elka?
- Yes?
- It's me, Stan!
Your first love?
- Stan?
- Well, I'm Olga, now.
But you haven't changed a bit.
- You, on the other hand...
- I just happened upon a picture
of you on the internet,
in a bathing suit,
and I have to ask...
was there any photoshopping
done,
or are you actually...
perfect from head to toe?
- I actually am.
But that's so superficial.
The thing that made me
want to go out with you
was when I read
that you donated a kidney.
- That makes me glad I did it.
- You inspired me,
gave me the courage
to take a break
from modeling, help someone out.
- Are you donating a kidney
to someone?
- No, uh, my brother
was in a car accident
and his nose
was irreparably damaged.
Well, forehead skin is the best
match for nose skin.
- So... you're donating
some of your perfect
forehead skin to your brother?
- Even better.
This is really gonna
make you happy.
Impressive, huh?
- Well, it's nothing
to sneeze at.
- It was so romantic of you
to reserve the whole patio
just for us.
Mitch, are you okay?
- Joy, I've been thinking a lot
about the two of us
and about how much we love each
other and about our future.
- Future?
Are you saying
what I think you're saying?
- Please, I want to get this
just right.
- Sorry, go ahead.
- Okay, uh, where was I?
Thinking about the two of us...
love each other, future...
Oh, uh, yeah.
Deep breath.
Take a knee.
Joy, I love you so much.
Will you—will you...
- Joy, will you marry me?
- What the hell?
- Simon, did you
just propose to me?
- Yes, I did.
- Well, so did I.
I w—I mean, I was going to.
Joy, will you marry me?
And not him?
- Mine's bigger.
- He brought his sex surrogate.
This is the worst date ever.
- Is it, Melanie?
How many noses
does your date have?
Because mine has two.
- That's nuts.
And speaking of nuts,
my date doesn't have any
anymore.
- Two men just proposed to me.
First Mitch, and then Simon!
- Oh, my God, Joy!
- I know!
Two wonderful, handsome men
who want to spend
the rest of their lives with me.
Oh, this is all so complicated.
- There's only one thing
more complicated.
A third such man
who wanted to propose
but... missed his bus.
- Bob?
- Joy...
will you marry me?
- It was my grandmother's ring.
She loved it so much,
she was buried with it.
Please... don't ask
the next logical question.
- Joy. Three bachelors,
one final rose.
Two of these men
will leave tonight,
utterly devastated.
This is more like it.
- I needed some time to think,
so my friends went back
to their dates.
Ah! Ha ha.
Sorry. Ha.
Last-minute cram session.
So, how were my hands?
- Oh, terrific.
- Mm-hmm?
- You really painted the entire
- canvas of my back beautifully.
- Well.
- When we started, Brian was
a little same-spot-Sally.
- You know what? I think the two
of us can take it from here.
- Oh! Okay.
- Uh...
- Don't be nervous.
I'll be at the bar.
- Um...
Oh, this is gonna be weird,
doing it without Marcy.
- It was a little weird
doing it with Marcy.
So, are you originally
from Cleveland?
- I love her, Melanie!
- What?
- I love Marcy!
I started having sex with her
because I wanted to be with you,
but then the strangest
thing happened.
I started having feelings
for the person
I was having sex with.
Yeah, but
beggars can't be choosers.
I'm on a date with you, so...
Do you have any hobbies?
- Yeah, don't even.
- All right.
- So, in a few weeks,
the nose will be... harvested,
and...
you'll be your hot self again.
- Actually, I've decided I, uh,
I have a responsibility
to let my fertile forehead
serve humanity.
- I—I'm sorry, what?
- Yeah, see this little guy
right here?
- In 18 months, that's gonna be
a full-grown ear.
- The more I drink,
the less crazy it seems
- that you became a woman!
- Both:
- Well, you remember
our town's motto...
"Drink until it makes sense."
- Mmm... Ah.
- I can't believe
you're my Stanislaus.
- Oh, I am.
The same person that sat
in the ox cart with you
- in the moonlight.
- Both:
- That's where we shared
our first kiss!
- You were the only voman
I ever loved.
- I guess you were
the only "voman"
I ever loved, too.
- Look, you're three
amazing men, and, hopefully
we can get through this without
too many hurt feelings.
- Obviously this situation
is a potential minefield,
so let's agree from the start...
separate checks?
- Look, Joy, this is insane.
I'm your boyfriend.
I invited you here
to propose to you.
From the moment we met,
you said I was the man
you wanted to marry.
- Yes, and then you immediately
started cavorting
with her friend Melanie.
- That's true.
- But, I proposed first.
- Actually, I proposed first.
We have a child
and a grandchild together.
And—and you always said that
I'm the love of your life.
If anyone's destined
to be with you forever, it's me.
- Yeah, you'd better move fast.
Knowing Simon, you'll say "yes,"
and he'll be on the first plane
to can't-commit-istan.
- Mitch makes an excellent point
about how awful Simon is.
- Can we just get rid of Bob
and narrow the field
to the real contenders?
- Agreed.
- Hey, I thought we had
an alliance.
- Why would we have an alliance?
- All right, fine.
If the gloves are off,
I suggest you kick Scotty
and Fatso here to the curb.
- Hey, I'm not fat anymore.
- Oh, I don't know,
those pounds are coming back.
- Shut up.
- You shut up!
- Both of you shut up.
Right, Joy?
- Okay.
Obviously this
group date was a terrible idea.
Why don't I talk to each one
of you separately?
- May the best man win.
- Or the funniest.
- Or the tallest and smartest
and handsomest.
Or just the tallest
and smartest.
- So you're still considering
all three of them, even Bob?
- Yes, even Bob.
I like him.
- And he likes you.
Which puts him ahead of my date,
who's in love
with his sexual surrogate.
It's so strange!
- Is it, Melanie?
Stranger than a man
with two noses,
and an extra ear?
I am on a date
with Mr. Potato Head.
- Well, I'd better
get back out there
and make the biggest decision
of my life.
- Joy? Choose a good one.
You deserve it.
- Okay, I'm waiting.
Where's the insult?
I've got no boobs, I'm old,
I'm skanky...
- I'm saving those
for your wedding toast.
- Bob, you're a terrific guy.
But we've never even been
on a date.
Marriage seems quite the leap.
- Fine, forget me.
Focus on your other two suitors.
Let's face it,
both Mitch and Simon
are gonna lose their looks,
whereas I...
will look like this forever.
Well, as long as
Shoppers Drug Mart continues
to make Apricot Kiss Foam-in
Hair Color, For Men.
- Stop making me laugh.
- Why, Joy? You love to laugh.
I could guarantee you
a lifetime of laughter.
Joy, I've been in love with you
from the first moment I met you.
- But what about
your girlfriend in Canada?
Are you sure that's over?
- Her last words to me were,
"Get out of here, you big dick."
- I'm sorry.
- Focus on the last two words,
Joy.
- I love Joy so much.
She should be with me.
It's as plain the nose on my...
Holy crap!
- You obviously recognize me
from Cleveland Magazine.
- Yeah, that's it.
- What do I do if Joy doesn't
pick me?
I'll be lost,
I'll be devastated,
I—I won't be able to go on.
- Let me ask you something.
Were you always a man?
- You could always
make me smile.
- Oh, Elka.
If only you were a man.
- I was just about to say
the same thing.
- What the hell is going on
here?
- Joy, you mean the world to me.
We're soul mates.
Even after I lost 300 pounds,
I would look at myself
in the mirror,
and I would see a fat guy.
But your love has given me
the confidence to see myself
for who I truly am...
a very handsome man.
- Mitch.
- I'm very handsome, Joy.
Borderline pretty.
- You really are.
- And you are...
a little shallow, right?
- More than a little.
- Then picture waking up
for the next 50 years
next to Simon or Bob,
or waking up...
next to this.
- You make a lot of sense,
Mitch.
A lot of sense.
- So, Marcy, Brian and I have
been, um, talking,
and he has something that
he would like to say to you.
Brian?
- Yes.
Marcy, uh, I, you see...
- Sorry to interrupt. Melanie?
- What?
- I need your help to win Joy.
Anything that will make her
want me over all other men.
- Maybe I can help.
By having sex with me,
you'll become a better lover.
- You have my attention.
- No, I-I-I don't want you
having sex with anybody but me.
- I'm flattered, but...
- Not you, her.
He's in love with her.
- Is this true?
- Yes, Marcy.
- So when I taught you to
call out Melanie's name,
you—you actually wanted
to call out mine?
- Yes.
No, I only thought of Melanie
when I needed to distract myself
to make it last longer.
- Oh!
- Sometimes I'd think of
her radio show, and...
I could last all night.
- I'm gonna need tape
of your show.
- So, Trevor, you're a model.
How do good-looking guys like us
win a woman?
- It's not about the looks.
If you really wanna capture
Joy's heart,
do something humanitarian.
Women love that.
- Do they?
- Well, yeah.
And you only know
about the ear and the nose.
You won't believe what I got
growing on my back.
You'll see.
- Will it see me?
Tell me now.
- You did a good thing, Melanie.
- Yeah, I did, didn't I?
- Why are we still sitting here?
And where's Mitch going?
It's not his turn.
- Can I get you another drink?
- What do you think?
- Joy.
When I look at you,
I see the teenage girl
I fell in love with.
And that's who
I'm always gonna see.
- Really?
- Dancing?
I didn't know
there'd be a dancing portion.
- Let go of her.
- No, you let go of her.
- She's mine.
- She's mine!
- Stop it!
All of you!
- Oh, my God!
- This has been quite a journey
for you, Joy.
Have you made your decision?
- I think I have.
I choose...
I choose...
Wait a minute.
You're not Chris Harrison.
- You've had a bad bump,
sweetie.
You need to lie
quiet for a while.
- I feel terrible.
I've never hit a woman before.
- Me either.
Except the time an elbow got
away from me in Zumba class.
- Cheer up, Simon.
If Joy doesn't pick you...
I'm right here.
- You know, Bob, I've always
thought you were kinda cute.
I'd go out with you.
- Keep it in your pants,
Melanie.
I'm in love with Joy.
- What a nice night it's been.
- It was great to see Stan
again, but...
I really had a feeling
I was gonna meet
a special man tonight.
- Elka?
- Max!
What are you doing here?
- I thought I was
having heart trouble.
But it was nothing.
Although, now,
it's starting to race again.
Is it?
- You know, I'm just visiting
from Florida.
I'm not staying very long, but,
uh, would you, uh...
- Yes!
- And maybe tomorrow?
- Yes.
- And there was something else
I wanted to ask you... uh...
- When you remember it, yes.
- Okay, she's doing fine.
She just needs to rest.
- Did she say anything about
which man
she was going to marry?
- She's in no condition to be
making life decisions.
- Then I guess everyone
is just gonna have to wait.
- ♪ Hey! ♪
- ♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪
♪♪
♪ Hey! ♪