Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 13 - People Feeding People - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

Where is Melanie? She should be
back from her date with Mitch by now.

Joy, honey, you got to
stop torturing yourself,

and tell Melanie you
are in love with Mitch.

I can't. Things would be so
much simpler if she weren't my friend.

I could slash her tires.
Shave her head while she's sleeping.

Put hot sauce in her eye drops.

Instead, I did none of those things
and they are probably having sex right now.

No, it's only the third date.
Melanie doesn't put out on third date.

You see Joy, a third date is when
a man likes you enough to ask you....

I've had third dates.



Really? With the same man?

Calm down Joy. I mean
Melanie's hobbling around in a cast.

I doubt he finds that a turn on.

She'll find some way to make
that broken toes sexy and cute.

That gimpy tramp. Melanie, darling!

How was your date? Oh, were
you on a date? I can't remember.

- Yeah, I broke up with Mitch. It's over.
- Oh, thank God.

My prayer's have been answered.

Don't use your eye drops.

What's going on?

Oh, Melanie, I need to tell you something.

Have a seat.

You remember when I left that message,

saying I met the man I was going to marry.



Yes, of course.

Oh, my God, Joy.

You didn't mean Mitch.

Yes.

So this whole time we've been going out,

you've kept that a secret?

That must have been torture.

Only when I saw him at work or you at home.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

Why didn't you say something?

I was really never into him.

Well, I am.

So how should I play this?

What's my next move?

Well, he was really upset when I left.

It's from Mitch. He wants me to come over.

What are you gonna do?

Well, it's late, and he's vulnerable,

so I really shouldn't take
advantage of that situation.

But I've just typed
that I'm on my way over.

So there's no way to take that back now.

And send.

Mitch?

Joy.

Come on in. I'm having champagne...

to celebrate drinking
this bottle of bourbon.

Look, I'm sorry you and Melanie broke up.

She dumped my fat ass.

Mitch, you're not fat anymore.

I thought that losing 300 pounds

would be good for my heart, but it wasn't.

It's broken like every
lawn chair I ever sat on.

Okay, I can see you're in kind
of a dark place right now.

Wrong.

I'm having a party.

I invited all my old girlfriends:

Little Debbie, Dolly Madison,

Mrs. Butterworth.

Mitch, I've been where you are
a bunch of times,

and you just have to get through
the part where everything hurts.

But eventually you'll find
someone who appreciates

all the wonderful, wonderful
things about you.

I thought she was the one.

Is there anything worse than
wanting someone so badly

and they're right there
and they don't want you back?

No, there isn't.

What did I do wrong, Joy?

Should I not have looked into her eyes

and said, "I was lost until I met you"?

No, that's a nice thing to say.

And was I wrong to touch
her cheek like this?

No, that's a lovely thing to do.

When I was so desperate to kiss her,

was I wrong to lean in...

Oh... just do it.

- Joy?
- Yes, Mitch.

I don't feel so good.

I'm on hold.

My agent says it'll really
help my Oscar bid

if I can be the face of a major charity.

I want to be a unicorn ambassador.

That's UNICEF ambassador.

Well, that sounds a little less magical,

but it makes more sense.

Ah, hello?

Yes, um, just a moment.

One of my third-world adopted
children needs my attention.

Shinktawa.

You finish your sandwich.

Other children are starving in
the country that you come from.

So I understand that you've been looking

for a new celebrity spokesperson, and...

uh-huh.

Oh, well...

How nice for her.

Okay. Good-bye.

So get this:

Salma Hayek is now
the spokesperson for UNICEF.

That selfless bitch.

Well, I just talked to Mitch on the phone.

He doesn't even remember
me coming over last night.

All he wanted to talk about
were his crazy plans

to win Melanie back.

I mean, what has she got
that I haven't got?

Shut up, Elka.

I didn't say anything.

Boobs.

Hi, guys.

How'd it go with Ross Barkley?

Who's Ross Barkley?

He's the publisher of
the Cleveland Plain Dealer.

Wait a minute. Ross Barkley?

Isn't he also the billionaire
who runs the hunger charity

People Feeding People?

Yeah, that's the guy.

I'm helping Elka with her
campaign for city council,

so I went to him for an endorsement,

and I'm sorry, Elka.

He said no.

But I need his endorsement to win.

I sang your praises.

I mean, I was so charming,

he even asked me out on a date.

But he is going to endorse
councilman Powell.

It's gonna be in the paper on Sunday.

Well, then go out with him
tonight and fix it.

And while you're out with him,

ask him to make me the new spokesperson

for People Feeding People.

Can you believe these two?

Basically asking me to prostitute myself.

Do it.

Do it tonight.

I need Mitch to see that you've moved on.

Take this guy to the bar,

I'll bring Mitch,

he'll see you being all prostitutey

with Ross Barkley,

and I'll be there to pick up the pieces.

So you want me to sleep with this guy

to further all your selfish interests?

No one said you had to sleep with him.

But we're not forbidding it.

Great.

You know what, you guys
always do this to me.

You guilt me into doing something

that I shouldn't be doing.

And it really hurts my feelings

that this is how you play me.

Melanie's right.

It's okay if I die alone.

And Victoria never gets her Oscar.

And surely Elka has another
92 years to run for office.

The important thing is that
you don't have to suffer

through one dinner with a billionaire.

Nice try, guys. Not this time.

Five, four, three, two...

Oh, forgot the foot.

Three, two...

Fine. I'll do it!

Thank you.

So Bono says to me,

"Ross, you're never gonna use
the helicopter."

Yeah, I think you told me that one already.

This is a different yacht.

Oh, my God.

Melanie's here on a hot date.

I had no idea.

What a painful and clear reminder to you

that she's moved on.

Who's that lug in the suit?

Oh, my.

That's Ross Barkley,

the billionaire playboy.

She's had her eye on him for a while.

Well, since there's no chance
of winning her back,

we should go somewhere else.

There's a wine bar on the lake
not far from here.

No, no, no, no.

If I'm gonna move on,

I need to figure out
if she's really into this guy.

Fine, but it could be devastating.

Luckily I have these very bare
shoulders for you to cry on.

So we both want something
from Ross Barkley.

You want his endorsement for city council,

and I want to be a spokesperson
for People Feeding People.

Now, the chances of both of us
getting what we want are slim.

I know.

I'll go first.

No, I'll go first.

Fine, you go first.

Wait. Why did you give in so easily?

You think he'll turn me down,

and then he'll feel bad,
and then he'll say yes to you?

I'll go second.

Perfect. I'll go first.

Oh, that's what you wanted all along.

Uh, this is like that game,

where one of the wine
glasses has poison in it,

and you don't know which one it is.

Calm down, Victoria.

And drink your wine.

So Jerry Jones says to me,

"you know more about football
than any man I've ever met."

And this is Jerry Jones talking.

Yeah, still don't know who that is.

Joy, you know Melanie's tells.

What is she feeling right now?

Well, I do know that that's
the look Melanie gives

when she's really into someone.

Really?

Looks like she wants to be somewhere else.

Yeah, in his bed.

If Melanie looks like
she's having a good time,

she really isn't.

But if she looks bored and disgusted,

she's having a great time.

Really?

And if she's stifling a yawn...

She's stifling an orgasm.

So anyway, I just started
hosting a radio talk show

called Ask Melanie.

You're Ask Melanie?

You know my show?

No... I almost called in a few times.

I'm a huge fan.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Look at that smile.

That means she's not into him, right?

Oh, that's not a real smile.

That's just gas.

She's like a baby.

Once she burps, it'll be gone.

So the secret to my job,

and it took me a while to learn this,

is to be 100% nonjudgmental.

Oh, that is so good to hear.

Because the thing I wanted
to ask you on the radio,

I can't tell anyone.

You can tell me now.

See, I was in a plane crash
in the mountains of Peru.

Oh, my God. That must have been terrible.

I was the sole survivor.

Once the food ran out,

I really only had one horrible option.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Yes.

Wow. She looks nauseous.

I'm really jealous.

She never looked at me like that.

You know, everyone thinks
it'll taste like chicken.

It doesn't.

It tastes like whitefish.

How is your whitefish, by the way?

It's okay.

Hello.

Ross Barkley, right?

I'm Victoria Chase,

and I'm a huge fan
of People Feeding People.

I don't mean to offer myself up
to you on a platter,

but...

I'd really like to be your spokesperson.

And I know you're busy right now,

but I thought maybe sometime
we could get together

and chew the fat and flesh out some ideas.

And if you have any questions,
just feel free to grill me.

Are you not listening?

He's a cannibal.

He eats people.

He ate one person, Melanie.

Don't exaggerate.

We've all done things.

Yeah, we ate that eggplant
dish you made last week.

Look, the man's plane crashed.

It was the only way he could survive.

Any one of us in that situation

would have done the same thing.

Suppose you're right.

Oh. There you go.

And could you just try to look
a little more into him,

like his cannibalism
was just a loveable quirk?

Fine.

Okay, I'll ask.

Do we taste like chicken?

No. Whitefish.

Fish? We taste like fish?

Pork I could believe, but fish?

Huh.

I thought we'd be chewy, not flaky.

Melanie, humans tasting like
fish doesn't even make sense.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm deferring to the man
who actually ate human flesh!

What did Melanie say?

I'm sorry, Mitch. She's crazy about him.

She thinks he's the sexiest
man she's ever met.

Really? Him?

I'm in better shape than he is.

Oh, Melanie hates guys
who work out too much.

The bigger, the better, that's her motto.

Oh, my God. That's it.

Melanie's into bigger guys.

That's why she broke up with me.

She likes a man with meat on his bones.

Apparently she's not alone.

Why did I lose all that weight?

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Okay, now's my chance.
I'm gonna go win her back.

Oh, Mitch, that's not a good idea.

Melanie, give me one month.

I'll gain 100 pounds.

What are you talking about?

I'm too thin, right?

I'm not your type.

That's why you like Ross.

You need something to grab on to.

- Is that what joy said?
- Yes.

Well, my secret's out.

I like big guts, and I cannot lie.

Hey, so what do you weigh, buddy?

Two bills? 2 1/4?

That used to be my left leg.

Hear that Melanie.

You didn't even eat your bread.

Dude, I used to sweat butter.

You call yourself big?

No, I don't. Who are you?

I'm your worst nightmare.

I'm the guy that's gonna gain
300 pounds and steal your girl.

Hold up there. I need some dessert.

I'm sorry about that.

I'm fine.

Right now nothing can me.

Well, I was happy to help, Ross,

but now it is time to put
the whole thing behind you.

- Not yet.
- Mm.

There is one more thing I need to confess.

No, really?

Because, like I tell my callers,

sometimes it's best to keep
things bottled up.

I liked it.

I liked the taste. It was delicious.

I've been chasing that taste ever since.

So close.

He ate a man, and he liked it.

Come on, Melanie.

Put that to a catchy tune,

and it's a Katy Perry song.

Joy makes an excellent point.

Now who thinks Melanie

should get back to her
date with a cannibal?

No, I'm not gonna do it.

It's one date.

And you can't break up with him now.

Mitch will think you're still available.

And Victoria needs the charity cred,

and dear, sweet Elka needs her endorsement.

Oh, bless you, my angel.

You're doing it again.

You guilted me into this date,

and now you think you can guilt
me into sticking with it.

Well, it's not gonna work. Not this time.

So you're ending the date?

No.

But you're never gonna do
anything for us like this again?

No, I probably will.

Then what was the point of that outburst?

I don't know.

Melanie speaks very highly of you, Elka.

Why don't you tell me why you
want to be on the city council?

To serve man.

With your help, I could eat
my opponent for breakfast.

Melanie.

You told her?

No. What? No.

The way I see it,

there are two people you could endorse.

One is a football hero.

The other knows you eat people.

You know what, I may have said something,

but she really does
deserve your endorsement.

Okay, fine. She's got it.

Really? That's great. Okay.

And while you're being so generous,

my friend, Victoria, would make
a great spokesperson

for your charity, People Feeding People.

- Done.
- Really?

Yay!

Lip-reader.

Of course she's attracted to him.

Look at this Wikipedia page.

He's rich. He's won a Pulitzer Prize.

He...

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Flight 577.

That plane that crashed in Peru
ten years ago.

Ross was on that plane... The only survivor.

- I got to go talk to him.
- Oh, no.

No, no, no.

Excuse me, Mr. Barkley,
I'm so sorry about before.

I was way out of line.

Is it true that you were on flight 577?

Yes, I was.

My best friend Mark Greaves
was on that plane.

My God, I sat next to him.

Did you talk to him?

Yes, he was a great guy. Very friendly.

He was a fashion designer, right?

Yes. He had great taste.

Yes, he really did.

Melanie's the first woman
I've been interested in

since my divorce.

Maybe there's just no one out there for me.

No, there is. Honestly, she's there.

At the market. In a bookstore.

On a couch.

I'm a pretty good detective.

Maybe I could help you find her.

You are a good detective.

We're a great team.

We're like Nick and Nora Charles
in The Thin Man.

Oh, I love those movies.

Really? Me too.

I've got one DVR'd.
We could watch it right now.

I'd love to.

You're a great girl, Joy.

I can't believe that
Simon guy left you twice.

How do you know about Simon?

I do my research.

I also know you got stood up at the altar;

you were briefly married to Victoria;

you got dumped by a homeless guy.

Yeah, yeah, you did your research.

You deserve better.

You're so beautiful
and sensitive and caring.

You really think I'm beautiful and...

And, well, to be honest,

I pretty stopped listening
after "beautiful."

You know who else is beautiful?

- Melanie?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Let's watch the movie.

Thanks for being here for me, Joy.

It's my pleasure.

Hey, you know what?

Maybe we could help each other
find someone.

I could help you find a new Simon;

you could help me find someone
exactly like Melanie.

Oh, yes.

Won't that be fun?