Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 14 - Murder House - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

So, Rachel, you and Melanie

were best friends in high school, huh?

Well, we had to be.

Nobody else was gonna be friends with us,

right, "Smellanie"?

I go by "Melanie" now.

So, how are things with you and Tom?

Oh, that's over. You know, after he got hit

by lightning on the putt-putt golf course,

he lost control of all his functions,



and then he had to use

that Stephen Hawking thing to communicate.

Then one morning, he just rolled
up to me, and he said,

"I don't love you anymore."

The storm is really getting worse.

I hope Victoria is gonna be okay.

Our friend Victoria is flying home today

from an island vacation.

We shouldn't worry, joy.
I'm sure she's gonna be fine.

I don't know, they've upgraded
it to a super storm.

Super storm Mary.
A lot of people are gonna die.

Rachel, nobody is going to die.

We're all doomed!

Elka, it's just a bad storm.



It's nothing to worry about.

Have I ever mentioned

there was a gruesome murder in this house?

- What?
- And the ghost

is coming back tonight.

She's right about the murder.

Before I go to anybody's house,

Oh, my God, it's true.

50 years ago to the day.

"Violently stormy night."
"Woman found murdered."

"Case never solved."

"Victim's name was Mary."
Just like the storm.

See how the science is adding up?

Wh... why would she be after you?

She thought I was having
an affair with her boyfriend.

I have a sense that at any moment,

something horrible is gonna
come through that door.

- [Doorbell rings]
- [All scream]

Oh, this is silly.

It's just Victoria. She forgot her keys.

It's not some ghoul from
the past come to haunt us.

[Thunder cracks]

Mother!

Hello, Rejoyla.

What are you doing here?

My plane had to make an emergency landing,

thanks to your American weather.

Was on my way to Hawaii.

Hawaii?

You hate places where everyone's happy.

No, Daniel's changed all that.

Who's Daniel?

This is Daniel Monroe, my boyfriend.

Hello, all.

Ah, and you must be Joy.

- Yes.
- Pleasure.

Well don't look so shocked, Rejoyla.

- Yes, he's a bit younger...
- [Chuckles]

But we're very happy.

Now, where can we freshen up, dear?

Uh, right this way.

Oh, hello, everyone.

The airport was a nightmare.

I didn't see her face,

but there was this ridiculous
woman with beaded hair

chanting and making a scene.

I'm back!

And I am one with the universe.

Remember, in high school,

when we both got the Bo Derek hairdos,

and the boys said that even
together, we weren't a "10."

Yeah, good times.

Oh, and speaking of good times,

now would probably be a really good time

for you to get on the road.

I mean, before it gets dangerous.

Oh, you know, you're probably right.

I should go.

I have a long drive home.

Safe travels, sour-faced angel.

Okay, Victoria. What's going on?

I went on vacation because I was so filled

with stress about all that Oscar nonsense.

But the island changed everything.

This is the new me.

You said the same thing about Kabbalah,

and scientology, and remember
when you were Amish?

But those "new mes" were
so typical of the old me.

This new me is the real new me.

I slept with my mother's boyfriend.

Already?

No, it was decades ago.

And we're both acting like we never met,

but how long can we keep that up?

What the hell?

[Steel drum music]

What's that?

Oh, I brought back a little
souvenir from the island.

I give you, chill.

So, this is my new home.

I was on the beach,

trying to get all of my Hollywood worries

out of my head, and the next thing I knew

this beautiful man had his hands in my hair

and was braiding, and weaving,
and filling my head

with his profound thoughts.
Oh, tell them one!

[Chuckles]

Don't worry, be happy.

And so I no longer worry
about winning an Oscar.

I just be happy.

Did nobody hear what I said?

I slept with my mother's boyfriend!

Lady, lady, La...

lady, right?

Everyone make love to everyone eventually.

Eventually, I will make love to all of you.

Now I must go upstairs,

to be closer to the healing ions
from the storm.

Oh, I know what all of you are thinking...

I have found my soul mate.

Yeah, that's what we're all thinking.

Um, excuse me, do you mind if
I put on a pot of tea?

Of course.

- I'll help you.
- Oh, thank you.

- Daniel...
- Mm-hmm?

What are gonna do?

Well, normally I would put
the tea leaves in first.

No, not about the tea!

About the fact that we slept together.

[Laughs] What? We never slept together.

You don't remember having sex with me?

Look, Joy, your mother mentioned in passing

that you've slept with thousands of men.

Perhaps you're thinking of one of them.

You're lying. What's your game?

I don't have a game.

- [Thunder cracks]
- I'm on to you.

Daniel claims he doesn't
remember having sex with me.

Sometimes, when something horrific happens,

you blot it out.

I can assure you, he would not forget me.

He was a clumsy lover at first,
but then I taught him

this certain move that changed everything.

I don't know what's worse,

hearing about Joy's sex life

or waiting for the ghost to kill me.

Right now, I'm rooting for the ghost.

I'd say he was a gigolo,

but my mother doesn't have any money.

I know Daniel is up to something.

I just don't know what to do about it.

You don't have to do anything.

And how dare you be
suspicious of my boyfriend.

But your relationship is suspicious.

How did you even meet him?

If you must know, I was at a cafe,

and he talked me into buying a Jaguar.

What?

And if you don't believe he loves me,

then why did he ask me to marry him?

- What?
- Oh, Joy, let it go.

Let this cool breeze calm your... what?

"Helen Mirren, Oscar's surest bet"?

Wha... they're already making
Oscar predictions

and I'm not being predicted?

And...She's back!

Oh, my God, what was I thinking?

Ugh! Okay.

I just have to get these
friggin' beads out of my hair,

put on my beautiful clothes,

and everything will back to normal.

[Steel drum music]

Oh, crap. My soul mate.

[Steel drum music]

Uh, Philipa, let me take you
to the airport.

And chill, why don't you grab
your passport and come with us?

The storm is getting worse.

All the roads are closed.

We're all gonna die...

Together, in this haunted house.

[Thunder cracks]

Don't worry, be happy?

I just don't know what to do.

The whole thing is such a weird reversal.

Mom's always hated my boyfriends,

and now I hate hers.

If they get married,
will you call him "daddy"?

Or did you do that when you slept with him?

You know, Joy, maybe this
is your chance to treat your mom

the way you wish she had treated
you with your boyfriends.

I suppose I could do that.

But what do I do?

Chill is like one of those
things you get on vacation

that seems fabulous when you're there

but ridiculous when you get back home.

[Sighs]

Do you remember that hideous
pineapple purse

I bought in Mexico?

[Laughs] I do.

You gave it to me for Christmas.

You're welcome.

Well, what am I gonna do about Rachel?

I mean, I have moved on from high school,

but she just keeps trying to drag me back.

Oh, it's just one night,
and she's really not that bad.

Oh, there you are.

- I brought our yearbook.
- Oh.

Yeah, I thought it would be fun...

- Mm-hmm.
- If we circled everybody

in it who's dead now.

[Thunder cracks]

[Bongo music]

Chill, you know how you go
on a tropical vacation

and you buy a pineapple purse,
and you get it home

and you wonder, "what was I thinking?"

- "Now that doesn't belong here?"
- Completely.

On St. Lucia, they sell these
puka shell flip-flops.

I bought a pair,

and I brought them back to my island.

[Chuckles] Looked totally crazy there!

Victoria, come to me. Come to me.

Please, come into our Ohio hammock.

It's a little too cold.

- Let chill make you hot.
- No, let...

Actually, what I would prefer is
if you just put some pajamas on.

But night is time to be free.

Well, I'm sorry, but I prefer
a man who wears pajamas.

But I understand if that's a deal breaker.

- Message received.
- No.

I will put on these "pajamas"

for you, I will force this
terrible material upon my skin.

It's flannel.

"Flann-El."

So stiff. So unnatural.

I'm glad you wanted to talk, Rejoyla.

I know you don't approve of Daniel.

Well, I'm not here to argue.

I just want us to be able
to talk as friends.

That's my wish as well.

And let me tell you, Joy,

- girlfriend to girlfriend...
- [Laughs]

I have never experienced
such intense pleasure

as I have with Daniel.

Your father told me I was having
orgasms all those years,

but it turned out that I wasn't.

I was just having the air
squeezed out of me

by his portly frame.

Well, that's... Vivid.

But passing lightly from sex...

you know, I'm finally
beginning to understand

why you sleep around so much.

You know, Daniel does this thing.

I don't know where he learned it,

or what wonderful woman taught it to him,

but it's wave after wave of ecstasy.

Whoo! A little aftershock.

Oh, it's so good to share.

After years of tense rows,

friends is so much nicer.

[Laughs] Isn't it?

And, as a friend,

I was just wondering what you
really know about Daniel,

because I checked online... as friends do...

and I couldn't find anything about him.

So you're saying you don't trust him?

No, no, I'm just saying
I don't want you to get hurt.

You haven't changed at all.

You just can't stand it when I'm happy!

What?

I have only ever wanted you to be happy.

And you're the one who picked holes

in every relationship I ever had.

Well, I was wrong! I should have said,

"if you're happy, I'm happy."

No, no, I was wrong.

I should have said, "thank you
for rightly pointing out"

that I was making horrible
choices that will end in tears."

Daniel is obviously after your money.

Because he couldn't possibly
love me for who I am.

No, I just think you need
to end this, immediately.

You are not my mother!

Then stop acting like a child!

As long as you're under my
roof, it's my rules!

You don't know anything!

And you don't care about my feelings!

And don't you dare slam that...

[door slams]

So, for the rest of my life,

I must live with the knowledge

that I gave my mother her first orgasm.

Well, I can top that.

I went on a three-week vacation
and all I have to show for it

is a filthy beach bum
whose filthy beach bum

is on my silk pillows.

Hey, it's 12:05.

And the murder happened at midnight.

You're safe!
- [Laughs]

[Thunder cracks]

Elka, do you still set
your watch five minutes fast?

Yes.

Usually, when I do a seance,

I summon the spirits under
the moonlight on the warm beach

after I've made love to
everyone in the circle.

Anyone?

Okay, rain check.

Let the seance begin.

Mary, speak through us.

Spirit of Mary, come on down!

I am the spirit of Mary.

I have a message for the island man.

Go home. You must go home.

Did something happen?

What did the ghost say?
Oh, we must obey her.

Don't worry, my precious Victoria.

Your island man's not going nowhere.

And I'm not going anywhere either.

I feel the spirit is telling me
to stay in Cleveland.

What? Rachel.

Don't be crazy. Go back to Scottsdale.

- It's Phoenix.
- Same airport.

[Thunder cracks]

Tell me about the murder.
Who were the suspects?

There were two.
The first was Mary's daughter,

and the second was a foreign man
that Mary was dating.

I bet the daughter did it.

She probably couldn't take
her mother's stubborn attitude.

Maybe Mary was happy for once in her life,

and her daughter couldn't stand it.

I'm sure it was the foreign man.

If he'd just gone home,
everything would have been fine.

This seance stinks.

You know, I think you're a bit
jealous that a man like Daniel

wouldn't look at you twice.

I give up.

You just keep making it harder.
Harder! Harder!

Harder...Harder...
Now, where have I heard that?

[Gasps]

Oh, my God!

Daniel, what's wrong?

You look like you've seen a ghost.

What? This never worked before.

I mean, welcome, spirit.

I really could use a drink.

You heard him, Rejoyla. Get Daniel a drink.

Why so sad, sad girl?

I am from an island,

but you, you are an island.

That is so deep.

Victoria, will you share me?

I'm sorry?

Share?

I will.

You know, we have a saying in this country.

If you love something, set it free.

And if it comes back to you,
just keep setting it free

until it gets the message.

So, you remember everything?

Yes, your angry sex sounds
brought it all back to me.

[Thunder rumbles]

[Sighs] What am I gonna do?

Philipa will be devastated.

But we agreed from the start, no secrets.

In fact, it's her frank honesty
that I love most about her.

Yes, frank honesty is one
of her leading qualities.

But there's so much more to her.

We discover new things
about each other every day.

It's like we're both finally
finding out what love really is.

[Sighs] I'll be lost if I lose her.

Oh, Daniel, that's lovely.

I don't recall such depth
of feeling from you.

Well, I wasn't like this back then.

And even if you had been,

I wouldn't have been smart
enough to see it.

Yeah. We were two different,

rather inferior, people.

So, since our thing happened
to two different people,

why should these two people here now...

who both want to keep from
hurting that woman out there...

even bring it up?

What have you two been talking about?

Oh, just getting to know each other.

And the more I do, the more I realize

how good Daniel is for you.

So, I give you my blessing.

Well, I hardly need a blessing from you.

But it warms my heart to get it.

- Oh, mom.
- Oh.

Well, I'd say it's been a good night.

- Mm.
- I mean, even Elka managed

to avoid Mary's ghost or spirit
or whatever it is.

[Laughter]

I feel a little cheated.

I really thought there'd be something.

[Thunder cracks]

[All screaming]

[Thud]

- Oh.
- [Gasping]

[Thunder rumbling]

That might be something.

Elka, what are you doing in my bed?

- The storm's over.
- I know that,

but George is still terrified. Look at him.

All right, fine.

I talked to the police.

They believe the bones in the fireplace

belong to a local burglar
who disappeared 50 years ago.

Their theory is that
he robbed and murdered Mary,

attempted to escape up the chimney

where he bumped his head and died.

And he's been up there this whole time?

Yes.

Which begs the question,

don't you ever have the chimney cleaned?

Good night, Elka.

Good night, Joy.

I'll be here when you wake up
in the morning.

Why are you telling me that?

I thought you'd like to hear it once.