Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 12 - I Just Met the Man I'm Going to Marry - full transcript

The following is a paid
political announcement.

Elka Ostrovsky seems
like a sweet, old lady.

But how well do we know her?

We know she's been in jail.

We know she's was married to the mob.

[Gunfire]

We know she lives with three single women.

[Buzzer]

What's that about?

Is this the kind of person
you want approving appointees

to the municipal utilities commission?



I don't think so.

Vote Jim Powell for City Council.

I'm a disabled

African-American Ohio state football hero,

and I approve this message.

Elka, as your campaign manager,

my first job is to go after this guy

and all of his vicious,
ridiculous, embarrassing lies.

There's just one problem.

All that stuff is true!

Okay, we'll just add that to the equation.

[Sighs]

You now have a .001% chance
of winning this election.

In exactly three days
and seven bottles of wine,



the Academy Award nominations
will be announced...

And it will either be an honor
just to be nominated,

or I'll kill myself.

[Phone beeps]

Oh, it's my agent.

One of the on-air nomination
announcers dropped out,

and they want me to replace her.

- That's so exciting!
- Wow.

Oh, my God!

I will be standing
in front of the whole world

when I find out if I'm nominated or not.

Oh, my God.

I will be standing
in front of the whole world

when I find out if I'm nominated or not.

Don't worry.

I'll fly out with you
and help you through it.

Well, maybe I can come too.

Although I'm meeting my
new boss this afternoon.

Might be a bit awkward to ask for time off.

Keep in mind that
a person's impression of you

is made within the first
ten seconds of meeting them,

and it's very difficult to
change that initial assumption.

When I first met Joy,

I thought she was a prostitute.

Just backing him up.

Oh, my God.

Hi. You must be Joy.

- Joy.
- I'm Mitch.

And I can tell you're a great detective

because you're observing me very closely.

And... ugh, I'm an idiot,
I forgot to feed the meter.

I'll be right back.

I'm leaving this message
because I want this documented.

I've an overwhelming feeling that

I just met the man I'm going to marry.

Normally I'd mock anybody
who'd say something like this,

which only makes me believe it more.

I'm gonna sing at this one. I am.

Look, it's my wedding.
I can do what I want!

Sorry about that.

Oh, no worries. Happens to me all the time.

Do I detect a British accent?

You jolly well do.

I know, Americans love my accent.

Not this one.

My ex-wife was British,

so that accent sort of turns my stomach.

You even look like her.

Really? Do you have a picture?

Yes, I carry around a photo

of the woman who ripped my heart out

and crushed it in her hands.

So we're both detectives.

Let's get to know each other.

The slight tremor in your hand indicates

you're on your third cup of coffee.

Your posture tells me that
you had early ballet training,

but your attractive toes
say you didn't stick with it.

And I can tell

by the way you checked your
reflection in the door window

that you recently changed your hairstyle,

and you're not sure whether you like it.

And your posture tells me you went to Brown

and majored in psychology.

I may have looked that one up online.

The haircut is good, by the way.

Thanks.

So what do you think
your greatest strength is

as a private investigator?

Without a doubt,
it's my attention to detail,

a 360-degree awareness
of my environment at all times,

scanning, sensing, almost catli...

- Joy.
- Ah!

I... I brought you this folder.

I thought you might need it
because you wrote

"don't forget this folder" on it.

Thank you.

Oh, Mitch, this is my friend Melanie.

Melanie, this is Mitch.

Hello, Melanie.

Hi.

Well, I'll let you two
get back to your meeting.

How do you keep from touching her?

Excuse me?

Melanie is an incredibly beautiful woman.

Oh, but who am I kidding?

She would never go out with old Mr. Fatty.

- Who?
- Me.

Oh. I keep forgetting.

Until recently, I was really fat.

In fact, I was on The Biggest Loser.

Is that where you lost all the weight?

No, I was the first one kicked off.

So you were the biggest loser
on The Biggest Loser.

Ha, ha. Yes, the castrating British wit.

No, I didn't start losing the weight
until my ex-wife Cressida left me.

I was so depressed, I stopped eating.

Well, it's hard to believe now.

You're in such great shape.

Do you have a picture
of how you used to look?

Yes, I keep photos of me
when I was 500 pounds.

They're right next to
the pictures of my ex-wife.

You shouldn't get so down on yourself.

When I first saw you, I didn't think,

"oh, there's a fat guy.
I hope he doesn't come near me."

Oh, my God, the phone message!

Oh, uh, Victoria,

do you have any celebrity
friends who could endorse Elka?

I've crunched the numbers,
and if we go with you to L.A.

And get some celebrity backing,

we could raise her awareness
by double digits.

These crunchy numbers...

do they work on stuff
that people actually care about,

like Academy Awards?

I suppose I could build
a composite of blogs

and press coverage

and then establish a model
for meta-analysis.

Okay,Big Bang Theory.

I'll get you your endorsements

if you find out whether or not
I'm gonna be nominated.

Don't listen to the answering machine!

Don't listen to the answering machine!

[On answering machine]
This'll be a great thing

to play at my wedding.

I'm gonna sing at this one. I am.

Look, it's my wedding.
I can do what I want.

Joy!

This is so exciting. Who is he? Who is he?

[Gasps] Your new boss? He's so handsome.

Him? No! [Laughs]

That message is about
someone entirely different.

- [Phone ringing]
- Oh, one second.

Hello?

Joy, it's Mitch.

I can't stop thinking about Melanie.

Uh-huh.

And from your tone,
I deduce you are with her now.

Okay, pretend I'm someone else.

So good to hear your voice, mother.

Oh, say hi to your mom!

Melanie says hi.

Really? She says hi to me?

Yes. To you, mother.

Oh, okay.

So what's the deal?
Is she free at all this weekend?

Um, well, this weekend

we're all going to L.A. with Victoria.

That's perfect. I'll go too.

What flight are you guys booked on?

What am I saying?

I'm a private detective. I'll find out.

Say good-bye to me
like you would to your mother.

All right. Go to hell!

Wow!

Sounds like you and your mom
are getting along better.

Okay, so who is this guy
you're gonna marry?

Well, it's...

Anybody got any lactaid?

I'm in the mood for cheese,
but I wanna be preemptive.

Sorry.

Mm.

It's him.

- Him?
- Him.

Funny, handsome, lactose-intolerant him.

Wow, Nate.

I did not pick up on that.
You gonna ask him out?

No!

No, uh, it's just a crazy thought.

So let's not speak of this
ever, ever again.

- [Singsong] Nate!
- What are you doing?

I'm gonna make a love connection.

No, no, no!

Come on, come on. I'm really good at this.

Nate, do you find Joy attractive?

Oh, God, yes.

Melanie, please.

And, Joy, would you like
to go out with Nate?

How can I say no?

I am good at this!

I can't help it.

I've always been a sucker
for long, dark hair.

[Laughs] Have you?

And big, brown eyes.

Yeah, I get that.

And killer curves.

Typical.

But I have no confidence.

When I look at Melanie, I'm just
this tongue-tied fat kid

who doesn't stand a chance.

Look, it's not rocket science.

Try noticing something about
her and ask about it.

She'll answer, you'll say something back,

and before you know it you'll be talking.

I can do that.

I'm a detective. I notice things.

Although even detectives can be blind

to what's right in front of them.

Ha, not this detective.

I'm just so nervous.

I mean, Joy is amazing,

but she's like a 9.2, and I'm a 6.3.

Although some women
have drunk me up to a 6.9.

Oh.

Oh. Sorry.

I would say it's okay,

but you told me not to talk to you.

Well, you never know
what kind of a gabby loser

is sitting next to you.

[Laughs] Been there.

- Joel Mandel.
- [Sighs]

I work for Price Waterhouse.

Price Waterhouse?

The accountants who tally up
the academy nomination ballots?

You handle that account?

Well, I'm not allowed to say.

Although I have in the past.

In fact, last year I was up onstage

holding this very briefcase.

I thought so.

You know, I remember saying to myself,

who is that drop-dead gorgeous accountant

next to Ryan Gosling?

[Laughing]

- That was me!
- Oh.

- Hi.
- Hi.

So...

You like penis?

[Stammering] I mean peanuts!

P-peanuts. I...

I meant peanuts, 'cause you're eating...

those are peanuts.

I've gotta stop saying "peanuts."

I gotta go.

I'm so glad Melanie told
me about your secret crush.

As am I.

I never would've guessed.

I mean, even now it
seems like you don't like me.

And I know what you're thinking...

"oh, Nate. He's made of
numbers, like a computer."

[Laughs]

But, uh, answer me this.

Can a computer make out with a human?

It cannot. Trust me.

Would you excuse me for a moment?

God, I'm a wreck!

Can't help you. Keep moving.

I don't want your booze.
I want your advice.

I have to pretend to be in love with Nate

for annoying, noble reasons
I can't get into,

but I don't think I can pull it off.

You can't upset him.

I need him to win the election.

I applaud you for your dream, Elka, but no!

You've slept with thousands of guys.

What's one more?

Do it.

Can I talk to you, Joy? It's urgent.

My husband has a bucket list.

[Sighs]

I'm getting nowhere with Melanie.

I need conversation practice, Joy.

[Sighs] Fine.

Just relax and talk.

I'll start.

So, Mitch, what got you
into detective work?

Oh, I started out as a cop,

but after you eat so many doughnuts,

you come to realize that
the real hole is in your center.

Oh, that's sad.

There's a sadness about you.

- Which Melanie will hate.
- No!

No, women like that vulnerability.

Now let's find common
ground... Books, movies.

What do you like?

Well, as a detective, I like
Peter Diamond Mysteries.

I love Peter Diamond!

How about movies?
I've always loved Casablanca.

I've only seen it about 20 times.

Did you know, at the end,
when they're on the runway...

the actors in the
background are little people,

and the airplane is cardboard?

Yes! That just makes me love it even more.

Me too. This is fun.

Yes. I'm having a lovely time.

Good. Then I'm ready for Melanie.

So... [Laughs]

Me again.

I'm sorry we got off to sort of
an awkward start there.

Oh, that's okay.

So what's your favorite movie?

Princess Bride.

I love that movie.

"Incontheivable!"

I'm sorry?

That's a line from the movie.

I have not seen that movie.

Excuse me.

Hey, hey, hey!

What are you doing with that briefcase?

The guy from Price
Waterhouse just fell asleep.

I need to break into this case

and see if there are
any Oscar ballots inside.

No! Victoria, you can't do that!

Oh, I think I can.

You forget I did a two-episode
arc on MacGyver.

All I need is a paper clip,
hair spray, and some matches.

No, Victoria. [Groans]

That was a disaster.

With you, it's so effortless.

It's so much harder when you
have feelings for the person.

[Alarm blaring]

[Victoria screams] My hair! Help!

I'll save you, Melanie!

Victoria, what were you thinking?

Why am I the bad guy?

Although, come to think of it,

on MacGyver I was the bad guy too.

You got us kicked off the plane,

and now we have to drive all
night to get to L.A. on time.

I was desperate to find out
if I'd been nominated or not.

Nate, have you crunched the numbers yet?

I have, and I would not put
money on you being nominated.

Oh, God.

So I have to get up
in front of billions of viewers

with singed hair and no sleep

and be happy for other people?

[Groans] Where's my damn Xanax?

I'd just like to point out
how well Melanie is driving.

Thumbs up, Mel.

The good news is, Victoria,

it's not too late
for you to help the campaign.

- [Sighs]
- I was thinking,

when you get up in front
of those billions of viewers,

No!

No, I have too much
to take care of already.

I hardly am gonna have
any time to glue on eyebrows

and buy a wig and... and get my dress ready.

I can help with the dress.

And just pluck some hair
off joy's arm for your eyebrows.

You know, Joy, I own this exact car.

It seats two adults and four children.

And my mother.

- Did you hear that, Joy?
- Yeah, I did.

And the nominees

for best direction in a motion picture...

Harold Israel for Winter's Long Gone.

Victoria's holding up okay, right?

Sure!

If you didn't know she was
highly medicated, drunk,

and hasn't slept in 36 hours,

you might think, "what an odd woman."

Oh, no, Victoria's category
is coming up next.

And now best actress in a supporting role.

Victoria, the nominees?

Yeah, sure. Why not?

Oh, let's see.

Marion Cotill...

you know, the French chick who
gets nominated for everything.

Ivy Johnson for Night of the Hereafter.

Oh! Well, here's a big surprise.

Damn Helen Mirren.

That's "dame" Helen Mirren.

I know what I said.

Oh, Violet Hemsworth.

Well, we all know how she got nominated,

the big slut.

And the final nominee...

Is Victor...

oh, my God!

Victoria Chase!

- Oh!
- She did it! She did it!

And it is such an honor

to be nominated with these amazing women.

We are all so talented.

- Is everything all ready?
- Yep, all set.

What?

What's this?

Who's MacGyver now?

Oh, thanks, Angelina.

And give my love to Brad, Shiloh, Knox,

Vivienne, Pax, Zahara, and Maddox.

Victoria, you don't even remember
the names of your own children.

Oh, I will, now that
their mother is an A-lister.

I made such a fool out of myself

with Melanie on that trip.

Look, you don't need tricks or smooth lines

to get a girl like Melanie.

Just make her laugh.

She's a sucker for a guy
who can make her laugh.

I guess I could give it a shot.

Trust me... you're a...
a very appealing guy.

[Inhales]

- [Laughing]
- [Phone beeps]

Ooh.

Oh, my God, it worked.

Elka, great news!

Thanks to the dress stunt,

you are now front-runner
for Cleveland City Council!

[Excited chatter]

And speaking of dresses,

Armani, Dior, and Valentino

are jostling for the honor
of designing my Oscar dress.

- [Laughs]
- [Phone ringing]

Ooh, an international number.

Hello?

Konbanwa!

It's the Mrs. Ladypants people
calling from Japan

to congratulate me.

Oh, thank you! Uh-huh.

What?

[Laughs] Are you absolutely sure?

All right. Uh, yes.

I-I certainly will look into that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sayonara.

What's wrong, sweetie?

Apparently, years ago,

when I didn't think that I had

a chance in hell of getting
nominated for an Academy Award,

I signed a rather unusual contract

with the Mrs. Ladypants people.

I have to wear

a Mrs. Ladypants

absorbent gown to the oscars,

now with crystal litter box technology.

You're gonna wear diapers to the oscars?

They are not diapers.

It's an absorbent gown!

Well, look at the bright side.

You won't need a seat filler
if you have to go

to the bathroom during the ceremony.

[Laughs] You're very funny.

Now what am I gonna do?

You're gonna celebrate.
We're all gonna celebrate!

Honey, you could win an Oscar!

And, Elka, you could win an election!

You know what, Melanie is right.

She's beautiful too.

Somebody else talk.

Okay, I will.

So here's to everyone
getting exactly what they want.

[Chuckles]