Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 11 - Undercover Lovers - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland

is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.

Did they see us?

Yes, lover.

They can't hear us.
You don't need to call me lover.

It's called undercover work, Joy.

We're chasing identity thieves here,

crafty and suspicious.

If we want to get close to them,
we have to convince them

we're just an ordinary couple.

Got it.



Now, we mustn't get too
attached, you and I.

That will only lead to heartbreak.

Your heartbreak.

All right, let's engage the suspects.

Wait. What's our cover story?

Just follow my lead.

Excuse us.

Are you staying at the pines motel?

Who's asking?

Oh, John. John... Johnson.

My wife and I recognized you.

You're staying in the room
next door to ours.

We're on our honeymoon.

At the Pines Motel?



The original plan was Disney,
but I went over budget

buying my wife.

You see, she's a Russian mail-order bride.

Say hello to...

Natasha. Thanks.

I'm Julie, and this is my husband, Benny.

Say, would you guys like
to meet us back at the motel

for a nightcap?

- Ooh.
- I don't know.

Oh, I'd really like
to apologize for all the noise

coming from our room.

You know, when you buy a bride,

they don't tell you if she's a screamer.

Oh, I just don't know what to do.

My agent told me I've got to find

a non-controversial, inoffensive,

heart-warming cause

to help my chances of getting
an Oscar nomination.

[Sigh] 'Cause talent just isn't enough.

Well, that's lucky for you.

How about some sugar for my tall glass

of white Russian?

You sure you need the calories?

I'm guessing there's a story there.

- See you back at the motel.
- Okay.

Russian mail-order bride?

It's the odd little details

that make it seem less suspicious.

I'll meet you at the motel.

But just so you know,
John Johnson sleeps in the nude.

And just so you know,

Natasha Johnson sleeps with scissors.

Pajamas it is, then.

This is so exciting.

Bob and I are doing undercover work

for the police.

Hi, guys. I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to meet with the new station manager.

Turns out he's big on publicity stunts.

I told him, "I don't do stunts."

Good for you. What did he say?

He said, "you might be happier
at another station."

So, my stunt is doing my show, ask Melanie,

for 24 hours straight, starting tonight.

It's called Askageddon.

That's a terrible name.

Your station manager is an idiot.

I came up with that name.

And yes, he is an idiot.

Because he said I sound too L.A.

I need to be more folksy?

Like... like Honey Boo Boo, Swamp People.

I don't even know what that means.

[Cell phone chimes]

Oh, no. He's closing the dog parks.

Who? What are you talking about?

Oh, this stupid councilman, Jim Powell,

he says that dog parks are
too expensive and too noisy

to maintain.

So is Joy, but we don't get rid of her.

Of course, what we should get
rid of is councilman Powell.

Yeah, well, good luck with that.

He's up for reelection
and he's running unopposed.

No, he's not.

This is the perfect non-offensive cause

for my Oscar bid.

Dog's parks.

Hollywood actress fights city hall.

Okay, I'll do it.

Are you saying you're running
for city council?

You don't know anything about politics.

Well, what did Sonny Bono know?

Clint Eastwood?

Schwarzenegger couldn't even
pronounce the name of the state.

He ran.

I wish I'd married a nice
guy, like your John.

He's so attentive and sweet to you.

I've always been attracted to bad boys.

Aw, bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do?

What were you two up to?

Just bonding over some primo stogies.

You know, being men.

Natasha, this is for you.

I spotted it while I was
throwing up in the bushes.

Benny, I thought you were
going to stop smoking.

And I thought you were going
to stay smoking.

Now, now, Benny,
I don't think you mean that.

I think we've both been fortunate enough

to land two very beautiful ladies.

And you didn't even have to pay for yours.

Well, howdy, folks.

This is Melanie Moretti,

and I thank you for
kinda dropping in for 24 hours

of homespun advice and friendly chit-chat.

Now, I'm fixin' to take some calls, but...

Bless my corns! Look who's here.

Please welcome my good buddies,

Elka and Victoria.

Y'all come in and sit and spill.

Blink if you're having a stroke.

I'm being folksy.

So, what brings you two to these parts?

Hello, Cleveland, Victoria Chase here.

Yes, that Victoria Chase.

I'm here

to announce my candidacy for congress.

City council.

- Is that different?
- Oh, brother.

You may think of me as a famous actress

who just gave a performance
The New York Times

called "Oscar worthy,"

but I'm also a famous actress

who cares about dogs.

What this skinny Hollywood
type is yabbering about

is if Jim Powell has his way,

the doggone dog parks will be gone.

Even though most of us folks love 'em.

Yes! He doesn't listen to anybody.

You know, I once played

a bipartisan rat in the animated film

Squeaker of the House.

And I made sure that everyone
in "Mousechusetts" was heard.

That's the kind of governing you can expect

from Victoria Chase.

She'll debate you anytime, Powell.

I will?

Hear that, councilman Powell?

We got a tinseltown swizzle stick

and a 92-year-old gator
just fixin' to wrestle you.

My first undercover stakeout.

We're really doing this, Bob.

Yes. And speaking of doing it...

nothing... Is going to happen between us.

No, of course, because we're professionals

and because I have a Canadian girlfriend.

Canadian girlfriend, huh?

Her name is also Joy.

Not "also Joy", but Joy, also, like you.

Uh-huh. She doesn't sound made up at all.

No, I assure you
my Canadian girlfriend is real,

unlike your Russian accent.

You sound like Natasha
from Rocky and Bullwinkle.

[Russian accent] Which I
guess makes you Boris, darling.

[Russian accent] Stop being
busybody, Natasha.

We need information on moose and
squirrel for fearless leader.

Fearless leader can kiss my...

[imitating phone ringing]
Hello, fearless leader?

No.

No, Natasha was just singing your praises.

[Normal voice] You're funny.

[Normal voice] So, what about you, Joy?

Anyone special in your life at the moment?

Oh, no.

I'm looking for special,
but I keep finding jerks.

[Sigh] I don't understand
why men are jerks to women.

- You don't, do you?
- Mm-mm.

I admire that about you.

I guess I'm just secure in my masculinity.

Yeah, feel this muscle.

Ow! I said feel it, not crush it.

The hell is wrong with you?

Oh, I have to admit, I'm having fun.

Yeah, well, I happen to have
a whole roll full of fun

in my pajama pouch.

Let me get that out.

Ah, there we go.

You could've just said "roll of quarters."

Just lay back

and let the pleasurable pounding commence.

Coming up next,

councilman Jim Powell has
accepted Victoria's throwdown.

Now, we got to go to a commercial,

but the good lord willing
and the creek don't rise,

we will be right back.

How am I doing?

You're making a dang fool of yourself.

Well, I'm not.

My publicist said this story
is blowing up in L.A.

Oh, and the best part is this dog issue

will offend no one.

Oh, academy voters are
so politically correct.

You pick the wrong color prius,
and they turn on you.

Oh, councilman Powell
is heading down the hallway.

Oh, my God, he's perfect.

Oh, Hollywood loves it when you
go against a rich white guy.

Well, there you are, councilman Powell.

Out of shape and out of touch.

Victoria, this is Bill Chambers,

my new station manager.

Well, then I hope I can count on your vote.

I'm here to introduce you
to my good friend,

- councilman Powell.
- Hello, ladies.

You're Jim Powell?

Yes, I am.

I'm not going to win an Oscar.

[Sobs]

Well, I got nothing out of Benny.

Did you get anything out of Julie?

No. She just kept saying she wished she had

an amazing husband like you.

"Oh, Natasha, he's so warm
and caring and... Sexy."

Mmm, so old Bob's her kryptonite, eh?

Well, old John Johnson is.

You know, right now
I feel more like a Jack.

- Call me Jack.
- No.

Well... Mmm!

[Gargles]

All right, here's how it's all
going to go down.

After the proper amount of seduction,

I'll send Julie to the bathroom
for her pre-lovemaking toilette.

Meanwhile, I'll download
the contents of her hard drive.

So... On a scale
of eight to ten, how do I look?

8.01.

Keep it in your pants, Joy.

Don't make me laugh. You have work to do.

All right. How about a kiss for luck?

Sure.

You gargled with cologne, didn't you?

Yes, throat kind of burns.

Why didn't you tell me
he was African-American

and in a wheelchair?

How could you not know?

You know I don't know stuff.

I can't run against him.
Hollywood will hate me.

I'm... I'm going to have to drop out.

- What about the dog parks?
- Well, I'm sorry,

but if I attack him,
I'll sound racist and disablist.

It's not racist if you
disagree with somebody

who happens to be African-American.

Shh! Don't say African-American.

[Mouths words]

Oh, that feels so good.

You give a wonderful foot massage.

Thanks.

I've practiced quite a bit on my own feet.

You know, your feet are telling
me that you're a lonely woman.

Oh? What are my breasts telling you?

That it's a little chilly in here.

Councilman Powell,

I thank you for coming here
for a heaping helping

of our hospitality.

Now, let's jaw a little bit
about this dog park issue.

Why you against it?

Look, I think all that people care about

is that I'm a disabled
African-American Ohio state

football hero that believes Cleveland

is the best city in the world.

Well stated, hero, well stated.

He didn't answer the question.

And as a disabled
African-American football hero

that believes Cleveland
is the best city in the world,

I just have to wonder

why a privileged Hollywood
actress is attacking me on air.

Mm, as do I.

- He's talking about you.
- Oh, well.

Now is probably a good time to mention

that I was once married to Ernie Hudson,

the pioneering African
American ghostbuster.

And the great Ray Parker, Jr.
sang at our wedding,

which brought flip Wilson to tears.

You're just naming black people.

Are they black? I don't see color.

And I love football.

And in fact, after Ernie Hudson,

I married a wide receiver.

Was he black? Don't know, didn't notice.

How did it go?

I did the deed.

And not to brag, but it's
the quickest I ever did it.

At first, I was so nervous,
I stuck it in the wrong slot.

And she didn't even notice.

Oh! You downloaded the files.

Yes. All the evidence we need
for a conviction is on here.

The police are going to be thrilled.

- Oh.
- Oh. [Chuckles]

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

You know, it's silly, but...

The thought of you sleeping with her

made me a tiny bit jealous.

Is that silly?

The entire time I was rubbing her bunions,

I was thinking of you.

You were?

Oh, Joy.

If I'm going to be with you, I have to...

Break up properly with Canadian Joy.

Can't you just do that in your head?

No.

You know what?

You have made some excellent points,

councilman Powell,
and you know what else what?

I think it would be best
if I withdrew from this race,

to spend some more time with my career.

Then I'll be running unopposed again.

No, you won't.

I want my dog park.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying this Polish-American...

Who escaped the Nazis...

And slept with Frank Sinatra...

Is running against you.

Bring it on.

I will.

Whoo! Doggie!

Elka Ostrovsky is running for city council.

It's an Askageddon exclusive, people.

Or should I say an "ask-clusive"?

No, I should not.

You have beautiful hands, Joy.

Really?

You don't think they're too big?

No. No, not at all.

Everything about you is perfect.

And you're adorable.

So...

Do you like to make the first move

or do you prefer the male
to make the first move?

- Or do you...
- I prefer...

Not to talk about the first move.

The first move should just happen.

I see.

The lady must be captured by stealth.

[Laughs] Sorry.

It's... Just when you got close like that,

your eyes became one giant eye.

Maybe we should try it
with our eyes closed.

Yes.

Well, that was nice.

Yes, that was...

Quite nice.

[Sigh]

I don't think nice
is what either of us wants.

No.

I guess the truth is I liked you

'cause you were out of reach.

Now that you're serving yourself
up on a platter...

You know,

maybe we should just shake hands,

do it, and walk away.

Or two out of those three.

Oh, God, Joy.

- What?
- No, not you.

My Canadian girlfriend Joy.

You really have a Canadian girlfriend?

Yes.

Hi, Joy, this is Bob.

I have made a terrible mistake. Look.

I'm jumping on the next flight

and then the connecting flight

and then the puddle jumper
and then the snowmobile and...

Then I'll be at your door. Yes.

I'll see you in two weeks.

Well, folks, seems like we got
another troubled soul

on the line.

How can I help you?

Hi, Melanie?

It's Natasha.

Oh, hey. You okay... Natasha?

Well, I don't know.

I kind of have a history of being attracted

to not-so-good guys.

But tonight I took a chance.

I went after a really good guy.

- So what happened?
- Didn't work out.

Somehow I'm sitting here,
wondering if I'm destined

to end up alone because
I'm attracted to the wrong men.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

You know what?
Let... let me ask you something.

When people are stuck in bad patterns,

it's because, on some level,
it gives them something.

What do you think you'd have to give up

to date a nice guy?

Wow. Give up? I...

I guess... I'd have to give up the excuse

that when it ends, it's always his fault.

And could you give that up?

I would like to.

You know, I think what tonight
really taught me is that...

I'm ready for a good guy.

Oh, that's great, Joy.

I mean, I feel great joy for you, Natasha.

Thanks, Melanie.

You're good at this. Bye.

You know? I am good at this.

I mean... When I'm just being myself.

See, I was told I needed to be
more folksy, or Honey Boo Boo.

But people like those shows

because they're being themselves.

So, for the rest of Askageddon,

I'm just going to be me,
and I hope you like it.

And that concludes Askageddon.

See you tomorrow, folks. I hope.

So they didn't fire you.

No, it seems 24 hours of folksy Melanie

made people realize how much
they like regular Melanie.

I proposed sexy Melanie after dark.

Don't do that.

Yeah, that's what the station manager said.

I'm glad you kept your job.

So that's another reason to celebrate.

- Mm-hmm.
- And look at this turnout.

You know, Elka's only a few signatures away

from getting on the ballot.

And her dog park Twitter
account is trending.

Look at that, it looks like
"Elka's Topless Parks."

Does it?

Well, Joy, I've got a plane to catch.

Bob's selling the agency
and moving back to Canada.

I made the new owner promise
to keep Joy on.

- He seems like a good guy.
- Good guy, huh?

Yep.

I guess when you look like him,
you kind of have to be.

Ooh.

I can work with that.

That's the spirit, Joy.
Looks aren't everything.