Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 10 - Bucket: We're Going to New York - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Well, cross another thing off
my bucket list.

I have been to a nude beach.

I didn't know Cleveland had a nude beach.

It has one more than it should.

You said I wouldn't run
into anyone I knew there.

Elka, I'm sorry.

How was I to know that your butcher

was gonna be at a nude beach?

I'll never be able to order
kielbasa from that man again.



So what's next on your bucket list?

Oh, I don't know.

But now that I'm healthy again,
I want to do everything.

Oh, you're not gonna become
one of those people

who lives life to the fullest, are you?

Because everyone hates those people.

I'm not sure what I'd put
on my bucket list.

I suppose "find true love and get married."

It's a bucket list, dear,
not a letter to Santa.

What's on your bucket list?

I want to get rich off my polish polish.

The cleaner you invented
that smells like pot?

You really think you can sell that stuff?

It works on great anything
old and tarnished.



I'll let you lick the bowl.

Well, my bucket list hasn't changed.

One thing... win an Oscar.

Really? That's it?

No regrets? No wrongs you want to right?

Well, there is someone I wronged

who I've been thinking about lately...

- Maddie banks.
- Oh, the Broadway actress.

Yeah, we were roommates in acting school.

And one day this casting director called

and told me to have Maddie come in

for a big audition.

It was down to two actresses.

And I know I should've told her,

but she had just stolen my boyfriend,

and I wanted to get back at her.

- It was Sophie's Choice.
- You were that torn?

No, the movie wasSophie's Choice.

And the actress was Meryl Streep,

and I never told Maddie about the audition,

and I've felt guilty ever since.

It's never too late to apologize.

You know, that's true.

And righting a wrong with an actress

could help my Oscar karma.

You know, according to my "karmologist"...

I made a huge mistake

by donating my kidney
so far from the voting season.

I am gonna call Maddie.

You know, it's funny
how your bucket list changes.

When I was young, it
was get married, have kids...

you know, everything you're supposed to do.

Now I just want to do everything
I'm not supposed to do.

I just want to be bad.

I know what was
on my bucket list back then.

I never told you this, but
when I first came to America,

I auditioned for the Rockettes.

Only, I froze.

I couldn't get my legs in the air.

You sure got over that one.

This is perfect.

Maddie is out of town on a cruise

with her new boyfriend,

but she offered to
let me stay at her place.

And did you apologize for Sophie's Choice?

No, that's what makes this perfect.

I'll go to New York,

write the apology,
leave a nice bottle of wine,

and won't have to deal
with all the dramatics

that some actresses are given to.

Hey, why don't we all go?

New York is the perfect place to be bad.

I am gonna eat and shop and sleep around.

I won't even be Melanie Moretti.

I'm gonna be... oh, I don't know...

Scarlett Deneuve.

This could end in...

Oh, I don't know...

Tears.

Well, if crazy's on the table,

radio city is in New York.

I know I'm too old
to actually be a Rockette,

but maybe I can get
another shot at an audition.

I could sell my polish
to the big money boys

in Manhattan.

So it's settled.

Elka's gonna go and try to sell
her ridiculous invention.

Joy is going to feed her delusions

of becoming a Rockette.

Melanie is going to escape
into a ludicrous alter ego.

And I am just a few heartfelt words

and an overpriced bottle of Pinot Noir

away from a clean conscience
and a clear path

to a golden statue.

Let's pack, people.

Oh. Well, this is lovely.

Super classy.

What are you eating?

It's called a knish.

Or technically, it's called my third knish.

I love being Scarlett Deneuve.

You know, Scarlett got invited
into the cockpit on the plane

and joined the Mile High Club.

You had sex with the pilot?

Wait. That's what that means?

I thought Mile High Club
was when they gave you

these little plastic wings.

Shoot, or I'll stop!

Maddie, don't shoot.

It's me, Victoria chase.

Oh, yeah, it is you.

Hi!

I thought that you were my boyfriend...

Well, you know, ex-boyfriend.

Would you mind putting that down?

Oh. I think there's a couple
more swigs left in it.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, you mean this thing.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't worry about this.

This is just some prop I used
in an old play I did.

Oopsie.

Are you gonna eat that?

I know I just met Jason three weeks ago,

but it was an instant connection...

Till this morning
when he rolled over in bed

and he said, "I feel like having"

"poached eggs and mimosas...

And another woman."

So he broke up with you on a yacht

- in the middle of the ocean?
- Yeah.

You know, first, I was devastated.

Then I just thought, "You know what? Fine."

"There are plenty of fish in the sea.

I'll just leave."

So I jumped into this little dinghy,

and I was trying to row,
and all of a sudden,

it flipped over, and it started sinking.

And I looked around,
and that's when I realized

there really are plenty of fish in the sea.

Maddie...

I'm sorry.

But maybe he did you a favor.

You remember Professor Knoll,
our great acting teacher?

Now, he would tell you to use this grief

as a sense memory for your craft.

You know, should you ever be called upon

to play a drunken actress
dumped by her boyfriend

whose heart is still big enough
to forgive a friend.

If they wrote that part younger and sexier,

I think I could play it.

Yeah.

Oh, did you know that Professor knoll

is retiring this year?

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, who will teach intro to emotions?

Is that the same guy
who taught you scenery chewing?

Yeah.

Hey, you know what?

As long as you're in town,
why don't we throw him a party?

A party is a great idea.

And we can ask a lot of handsome men

from the theater world.

Yeah, and a few straight ones
just to mix things up.

Well, the only straight one
I know in the theater

is Kevin Kline.

And every time I see him, it reminds me

that I didn't get Sophie's Choice.

Damn you, Meryl Streep!

Damn you and all your oscars!

Oh, don't listen to my language, Tony.

Mommy's just upset.

But Meryl Streep
doesn't have a Tony, does she?

No, she doesn't, no, she doesn't.

Uh, back to the party...

what should we do for entertainment?

Oh, Victoria, you're not
suggesting we dust off

that two-woman play we wrote in school?

I am.

Eternity's Rainbow...

a four-hour conversation

between two women at a bus stop in hell.

And what was it the Professor said?

"You really brought hell to life for me."

Let's perform a scene at the party.

And I say we add a couple of rich backers

to the guest list.

You know, now that we're both famous,

I bet we could get our play produced.

That's brilliant!

And I'll invite the press.

And then Jason will read
about our fabulous party

in the gossip columns,

and he'll see how much fun
I'm having without him,

and he'll remember how
vibrant and exciting I am,

and... and...

and scene.

That pizza smells good.

I stole it 'cause I'm bad like that.

Bad, beautiful woman with a pizza...

that's a tempting combination.

Well, sometimes you just got
to give into temptation.

Are you offering me pizza?

Among other things.

What is going on with the elevator?

I just walked up 17 flights.

I tried to get the doormen to help,

but they were just staring
at the surveillance camera.

How did it go at radio city?

Oh.

I waited in line for three hours.

When I finally got to the front,

they said I was too old to even audition.

It was American Idol all over again.

My day was a bust too.

Elka met with some
young venture capitalists.

They said her polish was too strong.

You melt one Rolex, and it's too strong.

Ooh.

I just got another RSVP for the party.

Another potential investor
for eternity's rainbow.

Investors coming... interesting.

Oh! Ron Tisch is coming too.

He owns Radio City Music Hall.

Home of the Rockettes... also interesting.

Guess who just had sex in an elevator.

That's why the elevator was stopped.

Yeah, did the deed with a stranger,

didn't even know his name.

Melanie, I am ashamed of you.

That's Joy's thing.

I am exhausted. I am
gonna take a party nap.

Me too.

Ooh.

He's cute.

Is this guy coming to the party?

No. That's Jason, my ex.

He's probably out there right now

sleeping with another woman.

I hope she dies a hideous, terrible,

horrible, disfiguring death.

I miss you, baby.

Oh, Melanie,

this party was such a good excuse

to come to New York.

You came to New York

to apologize to maddie for Sophie's Choice.

Yes, but then I realized
how difficult it would be

for her to forgive me,

so I did her a favor and forgave myself.

And if that isn't karma,
I don't know what is.

That's not karma.

Then I don't know what is.

Mm. Maddie, my love, fabulous party.

I know.

And there's tons
of potential investors here

for Eternity's Rainbow.

I was explaining the plot
to a bunch of them,

and I got all sorts of encouraging nods

and respectful silence.

Fantastic.

Oh, look, there's Professor Knoll.

Let's go over and show him
friendly excitement number one.

Oh, yep.

So you invested in Grease.

How about investing in something
that gets rid of grease?

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Could I have your attention?

I'd like to thank you all for joining us

this evening to honor
Professor Andrew knoll,

a great teacher and artist.

He's just informed me
that he's on total vocal rest

because tomorrow he's filming
a Jack in the Box commercial

for the new pancake chicken sandwich!

Well, our loss is Jack in the Box's gain.

So, everyone, just eat, drink, be merry,

and be prepared for some
very special entertainment.

Stop clapping, everyone.
That's not the entertainment.

That's just a crazy woman.

For goodness sakes,
what on earth are you doing?

What I came here to do...
audition to be a Rockette.

Oh, there's Mr. Tisch.

The dirt on the Tony is gone...

And so is the engraving.

Hello.

Joy Scroggs.

Nice to meet you. Ron Tisch.

Oh, you have a crumb on your shoulder.

- Oh.
- Oh, please, allow me.

That's very impressive.

There's another one where that came from.

Wow.

Hi, Elka. Having fun?

No.

Look.

Where's Maddie's name?

On my rag.

- What's going on here?
- Elka ruined Maddie's Tony.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

That's Collin Brett...

the casting director
who gave me the message

about Sophie's Choice.

Ugh. He's not supposed to be here.

Neither is he.

That's the guy I slept
with in the elevator.

That guy?

- That's Maddie's boyfriend.
- What?

I slept with Maddie's boyfriend?
She's gonna kill me.

I sabotaged her career.
She's gonna kill me.

I ruined her Tony.

She's gonna use it to kill me.

What are we gonna do?

I'm sorry, but the cutoff
age for auditions is 29.

But 40 is the new 20.

Are you trying to say you're 40?

We need time.

We need a diversion.

Well, if I were too old, could I do this?

Whoa!

Yep, that'll do.

Okay, Joy is in the kitchen with maddie,

- putting ice on her face.
- Oh, good.

Okay, I'll get Collin out of the room,

and you take care of Jason.

And I'm gonna polish off this vodka.

Stop polishing things!

Just...

Collin Brett, what are you doing here?

Victoria Chase.

Well, I was invited by Professor Knoll.

We do pilates together.

You look wonderful.

I know, and I'd love
to talk to you about it,

but you could really use

- a little mouthwash.
- Oh.

The bathroom is right down
there on the left.

- Take your time.
- Ah.

Jason, we have to talk.

Oh, my God, elevator pizza girl.

What are you doing here?

It doesn't matter. You need to go.

No, no, no. I need to see Maddie.

I heard the party from my apartment

and realized how much I missed her.

I've come to get her back.

Oh, that's really very sweet,
but can you not mention

the whole "we had sex" thing?

- And don't mention my name?
- I don't even know your name.

She's coming.

Oh, no, I told you to
keep her in the kitchen.

There's only so long you can keep

a Broadway actress away from an audience.

- Jason?
- Maddie.

I'm so sorry. I made a big mistake.

I want another chance.

Oh, really?

I thought you wanted
to sleep with other women.

I did. It was disgusting.

Well, that's a strong word.

I hated every second of it.

I think there were a few seconds you liked.

And I don't know why I'm saying that.

Why are you telling me this?

Because the longer you keep
a betrayal a secret,

the worse it gets.

Betrayal, secrets... now it's a party.

Collin Brett?

- Oh, he... he was just leaving.
- No, he wasn't.

Oh, so good to see you, maddie.

Oh, wow.

The two of you, 30 years, together again.

Didn't you used to share an apartment?

Oh, I don't think so.

Of course we did, Victoria.

Oh, let's not dwell on the past

or dwell on places we dwelled in the past.

No, I remember, because I got
Maddie that movie audition,

and I called and spoke to Victoria.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some little movie that went nowhere.

Hardly. It was Sophie's Choice.

I always wondered why you didn't show up.

- I got the audition?
- Yes.

And you never told me?

The only reason I did it

was because you slept with my boyfriend.

Oh, please.

The only reason I slept with your boyfriend

is because he slept with my boyfriend.

Oh, let's not fight.

Let's all just get along.

Two, three, four...

This must be their play.

No, this isn't the play.

I just found out I should've
been Meryl Streep.

I think it's a comedy.

Maddie, you don't know that
you would've gotten that role.

Of course I would've gotten that role.

I'm a fabulous actress.

If I wasn't, my name
wouldn't be on this Tony.

Oh!

My name isn't on this Tony!

But look how shiny it is.

You ruined my life!

I will never speak to you again!

Maddie, dial the diva down

before we all start pulling
off each other's wigs.

Meryl Streep was always
going to get that part.

You were good, but we always
bring in a second actor

to keep the producers happy.

In short, you were second choice
for Sophie's Choice,

just like Victoria was second choice

for Jessica Lange in Tootsie.

What? I never got that call.

But the important part...

Is that you went on to have a great career.

Yes.

And so did you.

Oh, Maddie, can you ever forgive me?

Yes, I can forgive you, Victoria.

- You were awful to me.
- Yeah.

- And I was awful to you.
- Yeah.

And you know what we call
that in the theater?

Friendship.

Maddie, I hope you can find
a way to forgive me too.

Let's not end our relationship
over one mistake in an elevator.

Oh.

"Elevator"?

She erased your Tony!

Shut up, Scarlett!

Oh. Well, finally, sister woman,

there's our bus.

Next stop, Eternity's Rainbow.

And curtain.

Well, what'd you think?

I'd get out my rag,
but nothing could polish

that piece of [bleep].

Oh, she's right.

It was terrible... so pretentious.

No. Yeah, yeah, I know.

I know the play is awful.

But, well, I'm glad
to have you back in my life.

You too.

What are these?

Professor Knoll must have left his signs.

"More wine, please."

"You were wonderful in that."

"You deserve the Tony."

Aw. That one's for me.

"You should win an Oscar."

Aw. That one's for me.

"I still think about our night together."

Aw.