Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 1 - Stayin' Alive - full transcript

Hello,

I'm Alex Trebek,

host of America's favorite game show.

Wheel of Fortune.

That's right.

Jeopardy.

I want to welcome all of you

to the greatest night of television
you will ever witness.

First off, and performing live

four women who are at the
very peak of their craft.

One of them is drunk, you'll see.



Now, when we last saw our ladies,

we had left them in a number
of cliff hangers but don't worry.

We are going to resolve all of that for you

right here but on next week's episode.

So be sure to tune in next week for that.

But, for tonight, without any further ado.

Live from studio city,

this is "Hot in Cleveland."

I can't believe this.
Emmet and I finally get

married and now he has
escaped from prison wearing

my clothes.
Victoria's husband is a

world class actor.

And as such, a master
of disguise.

We got this, Trebek.



Even though you didn't help him
escape, you are an accessory.

Maybe you should turn
yourself in to the police.

Or maybe I should wait to hear from Emmet.

I don't know what to do.
I just need time to think.

If only there were a hideout I could go
to where the police couldn't find me.

If only someone among us had
a criminal past.

And was once married to the mob.

And is right here and old
enough to remember where she

was when Caesar was assassinated.

Okay.

But you have got to put a
bag over your head.

- So we don't know where we are going.
- Yeah, that's why.

morning ladies, I got the cabin
ready, but I have some bad news.

The store didn't have
fat-free half and half so I

had to get full fat.

- Full fat?
- You know how many calories are in that?

As long as there is vodka, I'm good.

I really cannot deal with
one more bad thing happening today.

Then you might want to close your eyes.

There are some other criminals
that are needing a hideout.

May I present Mr. and
Mrs. Robinson, ruthless

thieves who just pulled over
a jewelry heist.

Genius here thought this
would be a good place to

hide out.
He doesn't seem like a

genius but she keeps calling him that.

Victoria Chase, I believe

- we know each other.
- Oh, do we?

Yes.
We had a blind date a couple

of years ago.

I'm Chester.

Chester, of course.

Of course, I feel like such a boob.

I bet you wish you could

fill up a top like that.
All right, ladies,

everybody sit down. You too.

- Lily grab their phones.
- Get comfortable.

We're going to be here a little while.

Genius here dropped his
mask during a heist so now

we have got to change his face.

A plastic surgeon is on his way.

A plastic surgeon you say?

No rule that says you
can't combine kidnapping

- with a little touch up.
- Botox.

I'm the only one getting
plastic surgery and no one

is going anywhere until I'm
done and it's all healed up.

- That could take weeks.
- Settling and still go to

lunch with your best friends.

Or I can shoot you right now.

Good. You three make yourselves useful

go fix us something to eat.
Oh, you are going to wish

you had shot them.

Excuse me, Maime Sue
first time hostage, long

time fearer of being a hostage.

I was just wondering if we
could be out by tomorrow

because it's our senior
center book club meeting.

We're reading 50 shades of grey. Again.

You're not going anywhere
and don't try anything

- clever.
- Oh, don't worry, she

never does anything clever.

- Thank you, Elka.
- It's okay.

Oh my God!

What are we going to do?
We are too young to die!

Okay, we look too young to die.

I have a plan. When the plastic surgeon

puts Chester under, we will
overpower lily call the police.

Oh, that must be the plastic surgeon now.

Okay, Melanie and I will go, you put
some food together for lunch.

Well I did once play a chef in
the Lifetime original movie.

"I'll have what she's having."

Oh my God, it's Bob.

Who are you?

You must be the plastic
surgeon we've been waiting for.

Yes, that's me. I'm the plastic
surgeon you've been waiting for.

You are Doctor Genho Kang?

You are wondering why
my name is Genho Kang.

You know I don't appear to be Korean.

Well, it's a fascinating story filled
with great many unexpected twists.

- Were you adopted by a Korean family?
- Yes, that's exactly what happened.

Looking back, I overestimated
the number of twists.

What's with the champagne?

You are my 100th customer, congratulations.

- Wait a second.

I'm the one who needs plastic surgery.

- Yes, I see.
- Hey, my face is up here.

- Oh?
- As a surgeon, I'm sure

you need to scrub up before
you do anything else.

And I'm sure from what
you just said you must be a

nurse and I will need you to assist me.

All right. What the hell is going on

around here?
Bob, give me your phone,

I need to call the police and tell the
we are being held hostage by those thieves.

I left my phone in the car.

What are you even doing here?

- I got Joy's sexy text.
- My text says I needed a

few days off.
The text I got said you wanted

me to get you off for a few days.

Stupid auto correct.

Well, maybe auto correct
knows us better than we know

ourselves, Joy.
But how did you know we

- were here?
- Lucky guess.

Or maybe I put a g.P.S. On Joy's car.

I'm going to go with lucky guess.

Well, get back out there
and find an excuse to go to

your car call the police.

I need to go to my car

and get some equipment,
knives and other surgical

cutlery.

Greetings.

- I'm Dr. Jen Ho Cane.
- No, I'm Dr. Genho Kang.

No, I'm Dr. Jen Ho Cane.

Well, perhaps we will never
know who the real Genho Kang is.

It's so obvious that it's me.

Well, that's just racist.

Lunch is served.

- Oh my God, I know how are.
- Yes, I'm Victoria Chase.

- Star of stage screen.
- You are Mrs. Ladypants.

- Dear God.

Oh my God! I can't breathe!

- I can't breathe!
- Wait a second, what is Mrs. Ladypants?

It's a commercial that

Victoria did in Asia it's
about a product... how

can I put this delicately?
She models diapers.

- It's an absorbent pant.
- I wear Mrs. Ladypants for

him when I do long surgeries.

You perform surgery in diapers?

It's an absorbent pant.

- Get him alone and steal his phone.
- Dr. Kang.

- Oh my God, she knows my name.

Okay. Be cool.

Be cool.

Yes?

How about I help you get
the surgery room ready and

share some exclusive hot gossip from
the Mrs. Ladypants set.

How about I die?

- I love you so much.
- Okay. Come on.

- Who the hell is that?
- It's 3:00 on wednesdays.

What do we do at 3:00 on wednesdays?

You had the marriage counselor
come to our hideout?

You promised every week
and we still have issues to

work on.
But we are doing things

together. We robbed the jewelry
store together.

Hello Chester.

Hi Reverend Boyce.

Wow, a lot of people here.

You know, usually like to by
my couples counseling with

just the couple.
We can go to the TV

room, Elka.
It's 3:00, Steve Harvey is

- on.
- Oh, nobody is funnier

- than Steve Harvey.
- Really?

No one?

He is like the original king of comedy.

Yeah. You know, there were other

- kings of comedy.
- He was the funny one.

Oh, the way rue Mcclanahan was the
funny one on "The Golden Girls."

I never saw that show.

This is ridiculous.

- Follow my lead.
- All right.

It is so great for Chester and Lily
that you've come here to help.

Yeah, especially help
from a reverend who is in

the business of saving people.

Because sometimes being
married is like having a gun

to your head. And you just
need to get away.

Maybe they could
find a hobby they both like.

Oh, wow.
I got to be in St. Louis, when?

- Oh, I got to go.
- What about our marriage?

Well, like she said, get a hobby, guys.

- What about us?
- Well, maybe you can get

Steve Harvey to help you.
I mean, he is so funny, you

Cottage

cheese. Yeah, that's funny.

Well, there goes our last hope.

Oh Joy. Sometimes when people are

facing certain death, sex
helps them to live those

last moments to the fullest.
You know, it's the things

and people you don't do that you regret.

What part of you can't
understand that we are

- never going to sleep together?
- Oh, I think you know which part.

We have got to think quickly, okay?

Maime Sue is distracting
them but there is only so

long she can talk about
scrap-booking.

That's where you're wrong.

I wish there was some way
we could call for help.

There is a fireplace.
I learned to make smoke

signals when I was a child.
Oh.

Did you learn that on your
play date with sitting bull?

- What was your Indian name?
- Sleeps with everyone?

As much as I enjoy a spicy cat
fight, we need to get out of here.

All right.
Well, maybe if I would take

off all my clothes and you
were to slather my naked

body with oil I could slip
through that window.

Or I could try getting out of it.

All right, but still might help if
you slathered my body with oil.

- Just give me a hand.
- Fine. Here we go.

Careful. There we go.

- What's going on in here?
- Joy and I are making love.

- And they are timing us.
- Come on, you are trying to

get her out of that window.
Yes, but not to escape.

See, she likes to do it outdoors
and I enjoy doing it indoors.

This way we are both satisfied.

And we are done.

Melanie, did you see
anything you liked?

- Well?
- You look amazing in my

Ladypants.
Now, do the commercial.

Okay.
It's my wedding day, and I

turn to the camera and say
"my groom doesn't know it,

but I'm going right now."

Thank you, Mrs. Ladypants.

Okay now do my favorite
commercial where you are at

the theater and there is a
long line for the ladies room.

And you just wink at the camera.

- You just... wink.
- Look, you know something?

I already did as you asked,
I put on your Ladypants, I

did the commercial.
Now you said I could use

your phone.
Please, give me a sneak peek at the

next one?
I can't.

There is not going to be another one.

- What?
- Well, I'm ending my

contract with the Ladypants people.

Yeah. I don't think so.

You are doing it wrong.

Blow one, then two. One, then two.

Elka, you are being as
demanding and bossy as

- Christian Grey.
- I am not your submissive.

Just do it.

- Okay.
- All right.

New plan. We drive a wedge
between Chester and Lily,

and get one of them on our side.

I hear you. You want me to use my
devastating charm to seduce Lily.

Chester is the one with
the wandering eye.

Someone has to flirt with Chester.

I need a pair of short
shorts and couple of shots of rum.

- I will flirt with Chester.
- Ah.

You know Lily, we were just saying

how amazing you are and how Chester
doesn't really appreciate that.

I mean look at him right
now, shamelessly flirting

with Melanie.

You are so funny.

- I order you to untie me.
- Not until you swear you

will find a new contract
with the Ladypants people.

Oh my God. This is just like that movie

with Cathy Bates. Based on the Stephen King

- novel of the same name.
- Fried Green Tomatoes?

Oh, sorry. That's wrong.

The response we wanted was
"What Is Misery?"

Everybody knows "Fried Green
Tomatoes" is from the novel

- by Fanny Flag.
- Stop breaking the fourth

- wall, Trebek.
- Easy.

- He is such a know it all.
- Tell me about it.

Although, that Misery
movie had some good ideas.

I bet there is a mallet in
the kitchen and I am going

to leave this gun tantalizing
out of your reach.

Oh my God I feel like a Bond
villain.

Wait, if he is a Bond villain,
that makes me Bond.

Oh think Victoria. What would
Daniel Craig do

if he were tied up in ladypants?

With a pitcher of water nearby.

It's like he doesn't even see me.

Sometimes I just feel like
his employee and not his wife.

Well, mixing business and

pleasure rarely ends well.
I have a co-worker who is

attracted to me. Like a desperate moth to
an enchanting gingered-haired flame.

Is it a guy?

No. Joy is not a guy.

I am just saying should
the police come and take

Chester away, you could
definitely find someone better.

They have a patented system
that ensures compatibility.

You are right.

I deserve better. Chester, it's over.

Oh, come on, babe.
Will you stop it, please?

- She means nothing to me.
- Prove it.

What do you want me to do? Kill her?

It would be a nice gesture.

I mean, you would do that for me?

Sweety, if it will help us get past this,
I will shoot that woman right now.

- What's that?

It's the cops and you are if big trouble.

You all thought I was
just tending the fire while

Elka nitpicked my technique but
I was actually making smoke signals

while Elka nitpicked my technique.

That must be the SWAT team.

- I saw your smoke signals.
- Are you in distress?

You are not the SWAT team.

- You're a little boy.
- That's right, ma'am.

Oh, no.

- Who is going to save us now?
- Drop your guns!

My name is Pants.

Ladypants.

How did you escape?

I doused myself with
water and used the expanding

powers of Mrs. Ladypants to
break my ropes.

Shut up!
You're an evil genius.

She's the bad guy.

No she's not. I'm the bad guy.

Well, I guess that makes me the good guy.

Drop your weapon. You too, lady.

Oh my God, Alex Trebek?

That's right. But on weekends,
I'm park ranger Alex Trebek.

I'm here to save you.
I read your smoke signals,

telling me that there were
women here in jeopardy.

The police will be here soon.

We'll be home in time
to watch "Family Feud."

Steve Harvey is the best

- game show host.
- Really?

Isn't that a little bit like

saying Cloris Leachman was
the best actress on the Mary

Tyler Moore Show?

We never saw that show.

Well, America won't get a

chance to see "The Soul Man"
if we don't wrap things up here.

So why don't we all just
take a bow, right now?