Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 2 - Surprise! - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Special Agent Griffin Gilmore,

administering polygraph examination.

Case number 2498, escape from

Ohio federal corrections facility,

prisoner: Emmet Lawson.

- Sir.
- Yes?

Emmet is a Sir.

He was knighted by the queen,

you know, like Sir Elton John
and Sir Paul McCartney.

I mean, maybe the queen
is just a big fame whore



and this is her way of meeting celebrities,

but it should count for something.

It doesn't.

Okay, I'm gonna ask you
a few simple questions,

just to establish a baseline response.

- State your name.
- Victoria Chase.

- Age?
- What do you mean?

How old you are.

Pass. Next question.

Address?

Uh, 60-something Cedarcliff Road,

Cleveland... Ohio.

I... I still can't believe

that I actually live in Cleveland.



But in L.A., we were feeling

devalued and disposable.

Ms. Chase, this is a criminal investigation,

not a celebrity interview.

No, you know what this is?

This... This is ridiculous.

Now I don't know anything
about where Emmet is,

or if he's okay,

or if I'm ever going to see him again.

All I know is that he left prison

wearing my clothes, my wig, and my shoes.

- Her shoes?
- Those are my shoes.

Worked with jeans and dresses...

a five-inch heel you
could actually walk in.

I miss them.

I'm sorry, I'm a little hormonal.

Is that thing affected
by someone being pregnant?

No, but I don't see
why that would be an issue.

What is that supposed to mean?

That I'm too old to get pregnant?

And that's registering
as a truthful statement.

Well, the joke's on you,

lie detector, because I am pregnant.

Oh, congratulations
to you and your husband.

Thank you. We're very happy.

And that's registering
as a false statement.

Okay, um, I'm not married.

But my boyfriend is thrilled.

That's also registering false...

fine, he's not my boyfriend anymore

and I haven't told him.

We broke up months ago

and I don't know what to do.

But I really should tell him, shouldn't I?

What does that machine say?

It's a polygraph, ma'am,
not a magic eight ball.

There's no reason to be mean.

Sorry, ma'am.

I was talking about the "ma'am."

It's just the weirdest thing.

The last few days, men have been

coming out of the woodwork
and hitting on me,

giving me the old, "hey, how's it going?"

On one hand, it's flattering.

On the other, it's terrible timing.

Do you know what I mean?

I asked if you were ready to begin.

I am.

Ms. Scroggs, do you recall

anything strange about
Emmet Lawson's behavior

the last time that you saw him?

No. But I was too distracted by the fact

that the priest,
an undercover tabloid reporter,

turned out to be the baby-daddy

I haven't seen in 33 years.

And he's coming back for me,

as soon as he infiltrates
Kensington Palace

and gets pictures of the royal baby.

All three of 'em are crazy.

That's registering as true.

You didn't look at the machine.

I didn't have to.

There's something I need to confess.

Yes?

It happened 50 years ago,

during a drunken weekend in Atlantic City.

Go on.

I slept with Frank Sinatra.

And why are you telling me this?

What does the machine say?

"Truthful statement."

Finally, I have proof!

Print that out.

No, no, I cannot release this.

Yes, you can.

I've got a Facebook status to update.

Well, I have never experienced

anything like that in my career.

You are either an extremely skilled liar

or an extremely honest 28-year-old.

Thank you.

You got one truth out of us...

Sinatra.

He did me his way.

Ms. Chase, you are still
a person of interest

in the case, and will remain

under 24-hour surveillance.

I'll see you out.

Victoria Chase will not be making

any statements at this difficult

and heartbreaking time.

Hey, how's it going?

Oh, I must really miss Emmet.

Even my house surrounded by paparazzi

isn't cheering me up.

I- I just wish I knew he was okay.

Well, honey, just don't think the worst.

Well, if I don't hear from him soon,

I am gonna lose my mind.

Maybe we should be looking for clues

the FBI isn't looking for.

Like what?

Emmet left in Victoria's
wedding clothes, right?

Those shoes are valuable.

And since those shoes are valuable,

someone's either wearing them

or trying to make money off them on eBay.

Ah-ha!

My shoes!

It's posted by a seller in Newark.

Ahh, so he made it out of the country.

Oh, run, Emmet, run.

Newark is in New Jersey.

I'm contacting the seller to see if she

has any information on Emmet.

We have our first lead.

Oh, thank God.

You know, on Edge of Tomorrow,

Honor St. Raven once cloned a missing lover

from the DNA left in his shoe.

Let's call that "Plan B."

Yeah, I don't even know if my shoes

will fit me anymore.

My feet swell up
two sizes when I'm pregnant.

Pregnant.

How did this happen?

Well, Melanie, when a man and a woman

love each other very much,

and the woman is pushing 50...

how did this happen?

It just did.

And I have to tell Alec.

Are you hoping that the two of you...

I don't know what I'm hoping.

This conversation is not gonna be easy.

I broke his heart.

I hope we can talk about it
calmly, as adults,

with the least amount of drama
and awkwardness possible.

I think I can do that.

- Without alcohol?
- Oh, God.

Victoria, tell me what crazy thing you did

on Edge of Tomorrow
when this situation came up.

What, someone your age getting pregnant?

Well, even Edge of Tomorrow
wouldn't touch that.

Hey, Alec.

Mm. Hi, Alec.

Aah.

Alec.

- Melanie.
- Aah! Oh.

Alec, Alec,

I didn't expect to see you here.

But you're standing
right outside my apartment.

Yes. Yes, I am.

I know it's weird,

me coming here out of the blue.

But it's just that I have something

I need to tell you.

- It's nothing, really.
- Oh.

I mean, it's not nothing, it's something.

It's a whole lot of something.

Unless you want it to be nothing.

In that case, I totally understand.

I don't even partly understand.

Why don't we go inside and talk about it?

Alec, I'm pregnant and it's yours.

Surprise!

Hi, everybody.

I'm so sorry about this.

I can't imagine anything more awkward.

I can. Hi.

I'm Kelly, Alec's new girlfriend.

Hi.

I'm Melanie, Alec's old... Ex-girlfriend.

I know.

I saw your face on the photo
mug you gave him.

You kept that?

It broke.

Now I know why you're here.

You're pregnant with my boyfriend's baby.

Uh, but who are these women?

Guys.

I got this.

We're Melanie's dearest friends,

who have been eavesdropping in the hallway,

just in case she hideously
embarrassed herself.

Which she did.

Hey, how's it going?

Again!

Melanie, maybe we should talk in private.

I'm not leaving. I live here.

You live here?

Wow, that was fast.

If she's staying, we're staying.

And if we're staying, I'm pouring.

Melanie, I don't want you to think

I'm not happy about this news.

We talked about having children.

We also talked about
having children, but...

that we would plan.

Not that unplanned children
aren't exciting...

exciting in a confusing way.

Is it incredibly hot in here?

Maybe I should go.

No, no, wait.

I wanna be there every step
of the way for this baby.

We'll be there every step of the way.

Have you been to the doctor yet?

My first appointment's tomorrow.

- I'll be there.
- We'll be there.

Look, I'm not normally so bitchy.

In fact, I bet if we met
under different circumstances,

we'd be friends.

And I'd be wondering
where you got that great dress.

Oh, thanks. Yeah, I got it at...

but under these circumstances,

all I'm wondering is,
what makes you so sure

that Alec's the father of that baby?

Oh, a drink and a show.

You know, in France,

pregnant women are allowed to drink wine.

Yes, but then they give birth
to French people.

This is from that gentleman over there.

Hey. How's it going?

What is going on?

Why am I suddenly so desirable?

- It's Simon.
- Simon?

How do you figure?

Well, now that
you're not looking for a man,

you don't reek of desperation.

Reek of desperation? That's insane.

There's no smell.

You know who smelled great?

Sinatra.

I still can't believe you slept with him.

We started off strangers in the night.

But by the wee small hours,

this lady was a tramp.

Can I ask you something?

Why did you send that drink?

Well, you're a beautiful woman.

I mean, I didn't see a ring.

I thought maybe we could
have dinner sometime.

Oh, normally I would
love that, but I can't,

as I've just rekindled

a relationship with my baby-daddy.

Oh, uh, how old's your baby?

400 months.

Well, I didn't mean to get in the middle

of a serious relationship.

Thanks.

Though it's hard to say how serious it is.

He's out of the country
and he said he'd come back.

But what if he doesn't?

You know how men are, at least with me.

So I guess the smart thing
would be to hedge my bet.

So it can't hurt if I give you

my phone number and email.

I'm also on Instagram and Facebook,

just search for Scroggdogg39,

which is also my Twitter handle.

Here you go.

And you can just tell me your name

when you call me.

So?

Not one word about desperation.

Oh, I'm sorry.

The gentleman would like his drink back.

Oh, I got a message from the lady on eBay.

What does it say?

"Your shoes were found in the dressing room

of the Newark community playhouse."

Community theater in New Jersey?

He was better off in prison.

I- I'm driving myself crazy
waiting to hear from him.

And the worst part is, I know that

FBI agent is sitting
on all kinds of information.

What are you doing?

I'm a woman, Melanie.

I think I can get information from a man.

- Ms. Chase.
- Agent Gilmore.

May I tell you something
in strictest confidence?

I've been hoping that you would.

I've been watching you watch me,

and I think you're wasting your
talents with the government.

Oh, you're a good-looking guy.

You should be playing an FBI agent on TV.

And not just network TV.

Premium cable... With nudity.

I'd watch that.

Seriously? Wow.

That is something
coming from Victoria Chase.

May I say something to you
also in confidence?

Oh, please, tell me anything.

When I look into your eyes,
it's like I'm seeing two people.

There's the Victoria Chase
that everyone knows...

beautiful, brilliant, confident...

but behind that there's a woman
who's fragile, soft...

Sometimes even sad.

Oh, my God.

That is so true. How do you know?

Because they teach us
to use that line on women

in, like, the first day
of interrogation class.

Do not try to play me, Ms. Chase.

I cannot comment on the investigation.

I'm sorry. I just...

I love Emmet so much and
I don't even know if he's alive.

Can't you just give me something?

I can't comment on the case.

I understand.

But I can ask you a question.

Do you really think we'd be trailing you

if we weren't fairly certain

that your husband
were going to contact you?

Thank you for that.

And, you know, you're really not
as tough as you seem.

I could kill a man with my thumb.

I can also kill a man with my elbow,

so I guess I'm two people too.

Oh! Full house.

Hi, Dr. Wilcox.

This is Alec, the baby's father,

and Kelly, the baby's father's girlfriend,

and my girlfriends Victoria and Joy.

Hey. How's it going?

It's back.

Melanie, I was hoping we might
be able to talk privately.

Oh, no, that's okay.

There's nothing you can't say
in front of these people

that care about me... And Kelly.

Okay.

I found some abnormalities
in your blood work

that were indicative of a false pregnancy.

So we re-ran it and confirmed

that you are definitely not pregnant.

I don't understand.

I took, like, three home pregnancy tests.

They were all positive.

It's true.

Our waste bin looked like
a sorority house dumpster

a month after spring break.

So what could be causing
the false pregnancy?

There are a number of things it could be,

some of them potentially serious.

So we need to do more tests.

Oh, well, how... How serious?

Unfortunately, this isn't
my area of expertise,

but I can recommend some
very capable doctors.

Let me get you a list.

I'm sorry, Melanie.

- We should go.
- Yeah.

Uh, just give me a minute.

Um, we'll be outside.

Look, I wanted to stand by your side

during your pregnancy.

And I'll stand by your side
for whatever this is.

That's sweet. Thank you.

But I have a really good support team.

Yes, you do.

Yeah, she does.

Okay, I am ready to tell you now.

I have a tumor in my pituitary gland,

but they caught it early,
so it's treatable.

- What?
- Oh, my God, Melanie.

A brain tumor?

Yeah, but it's highly curable.

It's, like, literally
the best tumor you can get.

And you deserve the best, Melanie.

I will have to have radiation
and maybe surgery,

but they just go in up through
your nose and snip it out.

Wow! And when they're up there,

they can fix that little bump.

- What bump?
- Victoria!

Oh, yes, and we'll do the lips too.

Okay. I'm not pregnant,

so my feet won't swell up,

so I can wear my Jimmy Choos again!

- Ohh.
- I got 'em back from eBay.

That was you?

You're Thosearemyshoesbitch99?

Agent Gilmore.

Just wanted to let you know

that another agent will be here soon.

- I've been taken off the case.
- Why?

Well, they said my reports indicate

that I have gotten
too emotionally involved,

but I've just been writing the facts

the way that I see them.

Kelly is obviously a rebound.

Simon would be a fool
not to come back for Joy.

And how else would I describe
your eyes other than beautiful?

Now with Melanie's tumor...

I should be going.

Victoria, perhaps if we'd met

under different circumstances...

never mind. It's in the report.

Good luck, Agent Gilmore.

Ow. Sorry.

It's my killing thumb.

Well, he was my last chance

of getting any information on Emmet.

You know, the last time I saw that shoe

it was my wedding day.

There's something in the toe.

Oh, my God.

It's a note for you.

Oh, my God. It's from Emmet.

"My darling Victoria, if this reaches you,

"know that I am safe and that I love you.

"I have a plan and will contact you soon.

"We will be together again.

From your devoted husband."

- Oh, sweetie.
- That's wonderful.

How did he know you'd get the shoe back?

Well, he didn't know, but he had hope.

And now I have hope.

I have hope too.

I am gonna beat this brain tumor.

You know, both of your problems

have put things in perspective for me.

I need to stop being so desperate.

If Simon gets in contact, good.

But if he doesn't, it's cool.

I'm not gonna define myself

by whether or not some man... Aah!

It's a text from Simon!

He's coming next week
and he can't wait to see me!

What am I gonna wear?
What if my face breaks out?

What if he meets a more
beautiful woman than me

on the plane? I'll kill her.

That's what I'll do.

And I'll do it slowly.

You know who else liked to do it slowly?

Old Red Eyes.

Sinatra was "Old Blue Eyes."

When I snuck into his room,
he was pretty drunk.