Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 24 - The Man That Got Away - full transcript

- HOT IN CLEVELAND
IS RECORDED

IN FRONT OF
A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

GREAT NEWS!

I GOT THE RESULTS BACK
FROM MY DOCTOR.

THAT WEIRD MOLE
IS NOT SKIN CANCER.

- OH, THANK HEAVENS!

- OH, I AM SO HAPPY!

ALL THOSE TIMES I SAID,

"DON'T WORRY,
THAT MOLE IS NOTHING,"

I WAS ACTUALLY THINKING,
"OH, MY GOD,

THAT REPULSIVE MOLE HAS 'KILLER'
WRITTEN ALL OVER IT."



- I KNOW!

I ATE AN ENTIRE CAN
OF FROSTING LAST NIGHT

THINKING,
"OH, WHAT DOES IT MATTER--"

OH, MY GOD, I ATE AN ENTIRE CAN
OF FROSTING LAST NIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T CARE.

IN FACT, I HAVE A WHOLE NEW
LEASE ON LIFE.

I AM GOING TO SEE
THE GOOD IN EVERYTHING--

EVERY PERSON,
EVERY EXPERIENCE.

- MUST YOU?
- I MUST.

I AM LIVING IN THE MOMENT!

DO YOU KNOW WHY
THEY CALL IT THE PRESENT?

[sighs]

BECAUSE IT'S A GIFT.

- YEAH,
THIS WON'T GET ANNOYING.



- HEY, VICTORIA!
HOW WAS L.A.?

- WELL, I HAVE A MAJOR
SAD ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

I DIDN'T GET THE PART,
AND...

[drops bag]
MY WEDDING IS RUINED.

- [gasps]

- WHAT HAPPENED?

- OH, THEY INSISTED THAT
I SCREEN TEST IN CHARACTER,

AND I AGREED BECAUSE
THE ACADEMY JUST LOVES IT

WHEN A BEAUTIFUL ACTRESS
MAKES HERSELF LOOK HIDEOUS

FOR A ROLE.

ONLY I DIDN'T GET THE ROLE,

AND SO NOW I'M JUST
A BEAUTIFUL ACTRESS

WHO LOOKS HIDEOUS.

- OH, HONEY, YOU'RE ABOUT
TO MARRY THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE.

IT DOESN'T MATTER
HOW YOU LOOK.

- WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER?

- MELANIE JUST FOUND OUT
SHE'S CANCER-FREE,

AND SHE'S TURNING INTO
ONE OF THOSE

"LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL" PEOPLE THAT
YOU HAVE TO BLOCK ON FACEBOOK.

- OH, I'M SO GLAD
YOU'RE OKAY.

- THANK YOU.
NOW, ON THE PLUS SIDE,

EVERYONE HAS ONE THING GO WRONG
AT THEIR WEDDING, RIGHT?

NOW YOU'VE HAD YOURS.

- HER WEDDING IS IN PRISON.

I THINK THAT BOX
HAS BEEN CHECKED.

- JUST WEAR
YOUR EMERGENCY WIG.

EMMET WILL NEVER KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE.

- I REMEMBER MY WEDDING.

- YOU MEAN THE GROOM
CLUBBING YOU OVER THE HEAD

AND DRAGGING YOU
TO HIS CAVE?

- IT'S TRUE.
I'M OLD.

LET'S TALK ABOUT
YOUR WEDDINGS.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

- YES, TWO MEN DID LEAVE ME
AT THE ALTAR.

BUT SIMON
WOULD'VE MARRIED ME

WHEN I WAS PREGNANT
WITH OWEN

IF MY MOTHER
HADN'T SENT HIM OFF.

I KNOW HE'S A RAT FOR NEVER
TRYING TO GET IN TOUCH,

BUT...THERE'S JUST SOMETHING
ABOUT YOUR FIRST LOVE.

- HE KNOCKED YOU UP
AND SKIPPED TOWN.

- BUT I SEE THE POINT
JOY IS TRYING TO MAKE.

I MEAN, EVEN MY PRISON WEDDING
WON'T BE AS SAD AS HER LIFE.

[cell phone chimes]

OH, IT'S MY WEDDING PLANNER.

HUH.

APPARENTLY, THERE'S
A NEW WARDEN AT THE PRISON

AND HE WANTS TO SEE ME.

IT'S A PLEASURE
TO MEET YOU, WARDEN,

BUT I'M STILL A TAD CONFUSED

AS TO WHY WE'RE IN
THIS DANK HOLDING CELL...

WHICH IS SLIGHTLY REMINISCENT
OF A SUBWAY RESTROOM.

- BECAUSE THIS DANK HOLDING CELL
IS WHERE YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED.

- WHAT?

I WAS PROMISED
AN OUTDOOR WEDDING.

I HAVE 150 CELEBRITY GUESTS
COMING.

AND THE DEATH ROW
A CAPPELLA QUARTET

IS SINGING
KILLING ME SOFTLY.

- WELL, NONE OF THAT
IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

AND IT'S A TRIO NOW.

- WELL, ON THE PLUS SIDE...

UM...

UM...

[upbeat music]

- ? BA BA BA BA,
BA BA BA BA ?

OH, RIGHT.
UH, EMMET?

- DARLING,
AT LEAST WE'LL BE

SPENDING OUR WEDDING NIGHT
TOGETHER.

[laughs]

THAT WON'T BE CHANGING,
WILL IT?

- YES, YOU WILL HAVE
YOUR HONEYMOON

IN THE PRISONER
CONJUGAL TRAILER,

THIRD SHIFT.

- YOU MIGHT WANNA BRING
YOUR OWN SHEETS.

- SHEETS?
WELL, LA-DEE-DA.

- OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE
HOW NERVOUS I AM.

- ON THE PLUS SIDE,
IT MEANS YOU'RE FEELING ALIVE.

- I'D RATHER BE NERVOUS
THAN IRRITATED, MELANIE.

- YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL.

I'M SORRY THEY WON'T LET YOU
HAVE A PHOTOGRAPHER.

- OH,
THERE'S A PHOTOGRAPHER.

NO, I ARRANGED FOR THE GUY
FROM UK PEOPLE TO BE ORDAINED.

HE'S PERFORMING
OUR CEREMONY.

- HOW'S HE TAKING
THE PICTURES?

- SO THE LENS
IS IN THE CENTER,

AND THEN I CONTROL THE ZOOM
ON EITHER SIDE.

- THAT'S INGENIOUS!
- YEAH!

MADONNA THREW IT AT ME
IN THE '80s,

AND I TURNED IT
INTO A CAMERA.

- TIP OF THE TONGUE,
THE TEETH, THE LIPS.

NATIONWIDE IS ON YOUR SIDE.
NATIONWIDE IS ON YOUR SIDE.

- WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT?

- IT'S MY GOOD LUCK
VOCAL EXERCISE.

I'VE DONE IT BEFORE
ALL SIX OF MY WEDDINGS.

- I JUST KNOW
IT'S GONNA BE MAGICAL.

- ALL RIGHT, LADIES.
ARMS UP AND SPREAD 'EM.

[beep]

- TITANIUM HIP.

[beep]

UNDERWIRE BRA.

[beeps twice]

GARTER FLASK.
KETEL ONE.

- I HAVE TO ADMIT,
MELANIE'S RIGHT.

NO MATTER WHAT
THE CIRCUMSTANCES,

IT'S ALWAYS WONDERFUL
TO CELEBRATE LOVE.

BLOODY HELL.

- WHAT?

- THAT PRIEST.
THAT'S SIMON, MY BABY DADDY.

- A PRIEST?

JOY, IS THERE NO ONE
YOU WON'T SLEEP WITH?

- HOLY CRAP!

JOY SCROGGS?

IS THAT YOU?

- DO YOU TWO
KNOW EACH OTHER?

- WE CERTAINLY DO.

THIS IS THE MAN
WHO GOT ME PREGNANT

WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER

AND THEN DISAPPEARED
WITHOUT A TRACE.

- JOY! I WAS--
- SHH!

WE ARE NOT GOING TO RUIN
VICTORIA'S WEDDING.

- I HAVE TO TELL YOU--
- SHH!

HOW DID YOU EVEN GET HERE?

- YOU GONNA LET ME ANSWER--
- SHH!

- HELLO, DARLING.

- VICTORIA.

YOU LOOK RAVISHING.
- [laughs]

- WELL, IF I COULD ASK
THE WEDDING PARTY TO LINE UP

OVER HERE THEN, PLEASE,
AND SMILE.

AND REMEMBER,
IF YOU CAN'T SEE THE CROSS,

THE CROSS CAN'T SEE YOU.

- "LOVE IS PATIENT,
LOVE IS KIND."

YEAH, RIGHT.

"LOVE DOESN'T TAKE OFFENSE
AND IS NEVER RESENTFUL."

WHO WROTE THIS CRAP?

- JOY,

MAYBE SOMEBODY LESS BITTER
SHOULD READ IT.

- "AND NOW THESE THREE REMAIN--
FAITH, HOPE, AND LOVE."

OH, I LOVE LOVE.

I LOVE FAITH.

AND HOPE.
THAT'S MY MIDDLE NAME.

IT REALLY IS.
MELANIE HOPE MORETTI.

- IS SHE SPECIAL NEEDS?

HOW ABOUT WE JUST
GO TO THE VOWS?

- VICTORIA, I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOUR SPARKLING WIT,
YOUR GENEROUS SPIRIT,

AND THE ADORABLE WAY
YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH.

BUT MOST OF ALL,
I LOVE YOUR EYES.

WHEN I LOOK IN YOUR EYES,
I AM HOME.

- [sniffles]

MY DARLING EMMET...

YOU FIRST AMAZED ME BY PROVING
THAT SOUL MATES REALLY DO EXIST.

AND NOW I'M AMAZED THAT,
EVEN IN THIS PRISON CELL,

THIS IS THE MOST SPECTACULAR DAY
OF MY LIFE.

I LOVE YOU, EMMET LAWSON.

I PRONOUNCE YOU
MAN AND WIFE.

YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.

[shutter snaps]

- [sniffles]

JUST ALLERGIES.

- ELKA,
I NEED TO TALK TO JOY.

IS SHE HERE?

- NOT SURE SHE WANTS
TO TALK TO YOU.

- YES, WELL, GIVEN OUR HISTORY,
I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT,

BUT I HAVE TO SEE HER
ONE MORE TIME.

- ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?

YOU GOT AWAY CLEAN
ONCE BEFORE.

- I DON'T KNOW IF I'M READY
TO SEE HIM YET.

I MEAN, I WANT TO,

BUT I HAVE TO BE
MENTALLY PREPARED.

IS HE HAPPILY MARRIED?

IS HE GONNA WHIP OUT PICTURES
OF HIS BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN?

OR HAS HE BEEN LIVING
LIKE A HERMIT,

FORSAKING ALL WOMEN BECAUSE
I WAS HIS ONE TRUE LOVE?

- YEAH, I DON'T THINK
YOU'LL HAVE TO PREPARE

FOR THAT ONE.

- JOY, I DON'T WANT YOU
TO MISS THIS OPPORTUNITY.

I'LL GO TALK TO HIM AND FIND OUT
WHAT YOU WANNA KNOW.

- NO, YOU'LL JUST
"ON THE PLUS SIDE"

EVERYTHING HE SAYS.

I NEED SOMEONE WHO'S GONNA
TELL ME THE HARD TRUTH,

EVEN IF IT HURTS
AND TEARS ME APART.

- I'LL DO IT.

- NO, I NEVER MARRIED.

- REALLY? A HANDSOME GUY
LIKE YOURSELF?

- ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH ME?

- I'VE LOOKED UP A KILT
OR TWO.

- [laughs] I'LL BET YOU HAVE,
YOU SAUCY MINX.

- SO HOW COME
YOU NEVER CALLED JOY?

- I NEVER FORGOT ABOUT HER.

LOOK, I KNOW A LOT OF TIME
HAS GONE BY,

BUT CAN YOU TELL HER
THAT I'M STILL THE SAME GUY

IN THAT CLUB
ON DORCHESTER STREET

THAT ASKED A BEAUTIFUL GIRL
IN A YELLOW DRESS

TO DANCE TO BLONDIE'S
HEART OF GLASS?

- TO DANCE TO BLONDIE'S
HEART OF GLASS.

- OH, THAT'S SO SWEET.
HE REMEMBERED EVERYTHING.

- HE REMEMBERED NOTHING!

I'VE NEVER BEEN IN THAT CLUB,
I LOOK TERRIBLE IN YELLOW,

AND THAT WAS DEFINITELY
NOT THE SONG.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
GO TELL HIM.

- MAYBE IT WAS WHIP IT
BY DEVO.

TAINTED LOVE BY SOFT CELL.

HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF
BY DURAN DURAN.

- SURE, I'M 91.
I CAN DO THIS ALL NIGHT.

[soft piano music]

?

- DARLING,

I KNOW THIS CONJUGAL TRAILER
IS NOT WHAT WE ENVISIONED,

BUT I PROMISE YOU

AN EMBARRASSINGLY
OUTLANDISH HONEYMOON

THE MOMENT I'M RELEASED.
- [laughs]

- IN THE MEANTIME,
LADY LAWSON...

- [gasps]
OOH!

- LET'S MAKE
EVERY MINUTE COUNT.

- OH, YES.
LET'S.

BUT DON'T FORGET.
- I KNOW.

I'VE BEEN MARRIED BEFORE.
DON'T TOUCH THE HAIR.

- IT WAS NOT HUNGRY
LIKE THE WOLF, YOU IDIOT.

- I KNOW.

I ALSO KNEW THAT IF I COULD
GET YOUR ANGER UP ENOUGH,

YOU'D COME OUT AND SEE ME.

THE SONG
WAS KARMA CHAMELEON.

AND I THOUGHT,
"OH, GOD, I HATE THAT SONG."

I LOOKED UP AND I SAW YOU.

TIGHT BLACK JEANS,
WHITE T-SHIRT,

HAIR DOWN TO YOUR WAIST.

THEN YOU TURNED AROUND.

AND I THOUGHT,
"WELL, I'M A GONER, AREN'T I?"

SO I GOT UP,
I WALKED OVER TO YOU,

AND I SAID...

"YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL
I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE."

AND YOU LOOKED AT ME WITH
THOSE BIG, SOFT, BROWN EYES

AND YOU SAID--
- "BUGGER OFF, YOU DRUNKEN GIT."

- AND I THOUGHT, "SIMON, YOU'VE
FOUND YOURSELF A REAL LADY."

- WELL, I'M NO LONGER THAT
ANGRY, FOUL-MOUTHED LITTLE GIRL.

NOW, I'M AN ANGRY,
FOUL-MOUTHED GROWN WOMAN.

WHY THE [bleep] HAVEN'T I HEARD
FROM YOU IN 30 YEARS?

- [sighs]
THAT WAS WONDERFUL.

- YEAH.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE BROKE THE BED.

- WELL, I THINK
THE COUPLE BEFORE US

MIGHT'VE LOOSENED IT UP
A BIT.

OH, I LOVE YOU.

- I LOVE YOU TOO.
- MM.

- IN A FEW MONTHS,
WHEN I'M RELEASED,

WE'LL FLY OFF TO PARIS.
- MM.

YOU'LL BE MY JEAN VALJEAN.

- AND YOU WILL BE MY COSETTE.
[laughs]

- I THINK COSETTE
WAS KIND OF HIS DAUGHTER.

- OH, NEVER SAW IT.
- OH, NEITHER DID I.

IT WAS, LIKE, THREE HOURS
AND NEITHER OF US WAS IN IT.

[phone chirps]

OH, IT'S FROM YOUR LAWYER.

"TELL EMMET 'MORE CHARGES,
MAX TIME.'"

EMMET...
WHAT'S GOING ON?

- OH, GOD, VICTORIA.

I DIDN'T TELL YOU
BECAUSE MY LAWYER PROMISED

TO MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY.

- MAKE WHAT GO AWAY?

- MORE INDICTMENTS.

IT SEEMS MY ACCOUNTANT
GOT ME INVOLVED

IN MORE SHADY DEALS
THAN I REALIZED.

IT'S ALMOST CERTAIN
THAT I'LL BE IN THIS PLACE

FOR ANOTHER TEN YEARS.
- TEN YEARS!

OH, MY GOD, EMMET.

- OH, THIS CHANGES
EVERYTHING.

I'LL ARRANGE
FOR A QUICK ANNULMENT

SO THAT YOU CAN LIVE
YOUR LIFE UNCHECKED.

- NO. NO, NO, EMMET.
YOU ARE MY HUSBAND,

AND I WILL WAIT FOR YOU.

- DARLING,
IT'S GETTING LATE.

LET'S TALK THIS THROUGH
IN THE MORNING, HMM?

WE'RE STILL ON OUR HONEYMOON
REMEMBER.

- MM.

- A SUITE IN
THE HOTEL GEORGE V

ON THE CHAMPS-ELYSEES
IN PARIS...

[automatic gunfire]

DURING THE GERMAN OCCUPATION.
- [laughs]

- YOUR MOTHER TOLD ME
TO GO AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK.

- YOU DIDN'T HAVE
TO LISTEN TO HER.

- SHE'S SCARY!
- SHE WEIGHS 90 POUNDS.

- IT'S ALL MUSCLE!

- YOU NEVER SAID GOOD-BYE.

YOU--YOU LET ME
GIVE BIRTH ON MY OWN.

AND--AND YOU'VE NEVER TRIED
TO GET IN TOUCH WITH ME.

WHY?

- 'CAUSE I'M A COWARD.

- WELL, IT'S NO FUN IF YOU'RE
JUST GONNA ADMIT TO THINGS

BEFORE I CAN ACCUSE YOU
OF THEM.

SO WHY ARE YOU HERE NOW,
YOU BLOODY COWARD?

- BECAUSE I WANT
TO APOLOGIZE.

LOOK, JOY, YOUR MOTHER
PUSHED ME AWAY,

BUT TO BE HONEST,

I WAS KIND OF GLAD
SHE GAVE ME A WAY OUT.

I WAS 17!

I WASN'T READY TO BE
A HUSBAND AND A FATHER.

- AND THE LAST 30 YEARS?

- DID I MENTION
I WAS A COWARD?

LOOK, JOY,
I'M SORRY I RAN OUT ON YOU.

I'M SORRY
I HAVE A CHILD OUT THERE

WHO I'LL NEVER KNOW.

- HIS NAME IS OWEN.

HE LIVES RIGHT HERE
IN CLEVELAND,

AND HE'S LOVELY.

- YOU KNOW HIM?
A HIM?

- YES, CONGRATULATIONS,
SIMON, IT'S A BOY.

A HEALTHY,
32-YEAR-OLD BOY.

- 32 YEARS.
THAT MAKES ME FEEL OLD.

- YOU'RE ABOUT TO FEEL
EVEN OLDER.

YOU HAVE A GRANDSON TOO.

- OH, MY GOD!
- LITTLE WILBUR.

HE HAS YOUR JOWLS.
- AH, THEY'LL GO AWAY.

AND THEN THEY'LL REAPPEAR
IN ABOUT 40 YEARS.

[both chuckle]

COULD I MEET THEM?

DO YOU THINK OWEN
WOULD SEE ME?

- THEY'RE OUT OF TOWN
RIGHT NOW.

- WELL, WHY DON'T I STAY
AND MEET THEM

AND MAYBE SPEND SOME TIME
WITH YOU?

- I SUPPOSE.

- JOY, YOU KNOW,

WHEN I SAW YOU TODAY--
YOU KNOW, IT SOUNDS SILLY,

BUT THAT FIRST LOVE THING

IS PRETTY POWERFUL
STUFF, ISN'T IT?

- IT IS.

- HOW IS IT POSSIBLE
THAT YOU GOT EVEN PRETTIER?

[phone chimes]

SORRY.

OH! UGH.

UM, I HAVE TO GO TO LONDON
RIGHT AWAY.

- OF COURSE.
I MEAN, WHAT MADE ME THINK--

- OH, SHUT UP.
IT'S WORK.

LOOK, I GOT THE EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS
TO THE ROYAL CHRISTENING.

- THE CHRISTENING--
THE ACTUAL CHRISTENING?

YOU'RE GONNA SEE WILLIAM
AND KATE AND THE BABY?

- YEAH, AND I WAS ABOUT
TO MAKE A COMMENT

ABOUT THE IDIOTS THAT ARE
INTERESTED IN THAT KINDA THING,

BUT I'M GONNA KEEP IT
TO MYSELF NOW!

LOOK, UH,
WHEN ARE THEY BACK?

- NEXT THURSDAY.

- THEN I'LL COME BACK THEN.

IT'S A DATE?

- IT'S A DATE.

- RIGHT.

OH, HEY, UM...

I FORGOT SOMETHING.

THAT OUGHTA HOLD YOU.

- EMMET?

EMMET!

- CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

AFTER ALL THIS TIME,

MY ROMANCE WITH SIMON
HAS BEEN REKINDLED.

- I GUESS TWO OLD, DRY STICKS
CAN STILL MAKE A SPARK.

- YOU WOULD KNOW.

YOU WERE THERE
WHEN FIRE WAS INVENTED.

- HE'S GONE!

EMMET ESCAPED FROM PRISON
DISGUISED AS ME...

IN MY WIG AND MY COAT
AND MY SHOES.

- BUT THOSE
ARE MY JIMMY CHOOS!

WHICH IS SO NOT IMPORTANT
RIGHT NOW.

OH, HONEY, WHAT HAPPENED?

- WELL, LAST NIGHT, WE FOUND OUT
THAT THERE WERE MORE CHARGES,

AND...

EMMET COULD BE IN JAIL
FOR ANOTHER TEN YEARS.

I TOLD HIM THAT
I WOULD WAIT FOR HIM,

BUT HE SAID
THAT HE DIDN'T--

- OH, VICTORIA!
- OH, SWEETIE.

[phone ringing]
OH, I'LL TURN IT OFF.

NO, IT'S MY DOCTOR.
HELLO?

YES.

ARE YOU SURE?

OKAY, YEAH,
I'LL COME IN TOMORROW.

- WHAT IS IT?
I THOUGHT THE MOLE WAS OKAY.

- DIFFERENT DOCTOR.

I'M PREGNANT.

- ON THE PLUS SIDE--
- DON'T YOU DARE!

[upbeat music]

- ? BA BA BA BA,
BA BA BA BA ?

? BA BA BA BA,
BA BA BA BA ?

? HEY!