Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 23 - Love Is All Around - full transcript

- HOT IN CLEVELAND
IS RECORDED

IN FRONT
OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

- HEY, EVERYBODY.

OUR GROUP BIRTHDAY
IS COMING UP,

AND I KNOW EXACTLY WHO I WANT
TO BE FIXED UP WITH.

I MET A MAN THIS YEAR
WHO TOUCHED ME DEEPLY.

- THAT COULD BE
HALF OF CLEVELAND.

- IT'S OUR POETRY PROFESSOR--
ROBIN YORK.

HE'S SO SPIRITUAL
AND SENSITIVE.

- WELL, I WANT THAT GUY
THAT WE MET

AT THE PETSMART CHARITIES
ADOPTION THING.



HIS NAME IS REX.

OR MAYBE HIS DOG'S NAME
IS REX.

- WELL, NOW THAT
I'M ENGAGED,

OF COURSE, I DON'T NEED
AN ACTUAL DATE.

WHICH IS A GOOD THING,
CONSIDERING THE FREAKS

YOU GUYS
HAVE SET ME UP WITH--

MAN BOOBS,
CONJOINED TWINS,

HUMAN TAIL.

- OH, COME ON.
THAT LAST GUY WAS PERFECT,

EXCEPT FOR THE TAIL.

- DID YOU HEAR
WHAT YOU JUST SAID?

NO, NO, THIS TIME,
I JUST WANT A BUSINESS DATE.

I REALLY WANT A PART
IN THE NEXT WES O'ROURKE MOVIE.

- THE INDIE FILM DIRECTOR?
- YEAH.



- HE WENT TO SCHOOL
WITH MY FILM PROFESSOR.

I CAN MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

- EXCELLENT.

[knock on door]

- KNOCK, KNOCK.
LOOK WHAT I BROUGHT.

- OOH, BREAKFAST WINE.

- IT'S GLOB WINE,
WHICH STANDS

FOR "GORGEOUS LADIES
OF BOWLING..."

WINE.

- GORGEOUS LADIES
OF BOWLING?

- THAT WAS OUR TEAM.

1962 AND '63
CITY CHAMPIONS.

- WE BOUGHT THIS WINE
AND SAID WE'D DRINK IT TOGETHER

IN 50 YEARS.

- ONLY, WE LOST TRACK
OF THE OTHERS.

- THAT'S WHAT I WANT
FOR MY BIRTHDATE--

REUNITE THE OLD GANG.

- WELL, I CAN DO THAT.
WHO ARE THEY?

- THERE'S ELKA AND ME.

ALL WE NEED TO FIND
IS DIANE, ANGIE, AND PEG.

[upbeat music]

?

- ? HEY

- I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

WE HAVEN'T SEEN THE OTHER
GLOB GIRLS IN 50 YEARS.

WHAT IF WE DON'T
RECOGNIZE THEM?

- I KNOW.

I MEAN,
WE LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME,

BUT THEY MAY HAVE CHANGED.

- OH, THERE'S MY DATE.
HERE, REX!

- EXCUSE ME, MS. CHASE?

THE GENTLEMAN OVER THERE
WOULD LIKE FOR YOU TO JOIN HIM.

- OH, MY GOD.
HE'S HERE ALREADY.

- INTERIOR, BAR.

A WOMAN APPROACHES A TABLE.

A SMILE PLAYS
ACROSS HER LIPS.

NO, IT DOESN'T.
YES, IT DOES.

SHE TAKES A SEAT,
AWKWARDLY.

BLINDLY.

WORK IN PROGRESS.

I'M WES O'ROURKE.

- OH, IT IS SUCH AN HONOR
TO MEET YOU.

- [groans happily]
I KNOW.

- OH, THERE'S
YOUR PROFESSOR, JOY.

- SO DEEP AND SOPHISTICATED.

IT'S LIKE
THE LEONARD COHEN SONG--

HE WANTS TO TOUCH
MY PERFECT BODY WITH HIS MIND.

- I'D LIKE TO TOUCH
HIS PERFECT BODY WITH MY HAND.

THIS MAY NOT BE
MY FIRST DRINK.

- ELKA, I WAS HOPING
WHEN YOU SAID

A FRIEND OF YOURS
WANTED DINNER WITH ME,

IT WAS JUST YOUR CLEVER WAY
OF ASKING ME OUT.

- [laughs]
OH,

YOUR DATE
ISN'T WITH ME.

IT'S WITH JOY.

- WHO?

- HELLO, PROFESSOR YORK.

- OH, JOY,
OF COURSE.

MY MISTAKE.

ARE YOU SURE
IT'S NOT YOU?

- SORRY.

- [chuckles]
JOY, SHOULD WE, UH,

TAKE A TABLE?

- I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY,

BUT YOU ALMOST SEEM
DISAPPOINTED TO BE WITH ME

AND NOT ELKA.

- WHAT?
NO, NOT AT ALL.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD
TO OUR EVENING.

- OH, YOU'RE A DOCTOR.

WOW, THAT'S SO GREAT.

YOU KNOW, HEALING PEOPLE,

MAKING A DIFFERENCE
IN THEIR LIVES.

SO WHAT'S YOUR SPECIALTY?
- I'M A PLASTIC SURGEON.

- [squeaks]
OH!

OH, THAT'S--YOU KNOW,
THAT'S INTERESTING.

- EXCUSE ME.

I'M LOOKING
FOR A COUPLE OF BROADS,

ABOUT YOUR SIZE,

BUT A LOT
OLDER LOOKING.

- ANGIE!
- ANGIE!

[all laughing]

- YOU TWO LOOK GREAT.

WHERE'S EVERYBODY ELSE?

- DIANE PROBABLY
WON'T MAKE IT.

WE'RE WAITING FOR PEG.
- OKAY.

- [loud laughter]

YOU GIRLS
HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT.

- PEG.

- ELKA!
MAMIE!

WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

OH, I DON'T CARE.

MAMIE.
OH!

OH, ELKA!

[laughs]
OH!

ANGIE!
OH!

WAIT A MINUTE.

DID I LIKE YOU?

- YOU ALWAYS
SAID YOU DID.

- WELL, I'M
A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR.

- WELL, IN THAT SAME SPIRIT,
I ALWAYS LIKED YOU.

[laughs]

TOO BAD DIANE
COULDN'T MAKE IT.

- YEAH.

- SOMEONE'S AT OUR TABLE.

- HELLO, GLOBS!

- LOOKS LIKE SHE MADE IT
AFTER ALL.

[all laughing]

- OKAY, LADIES,
THIS WINE'S GONNA TAKE

ABOUT 20 MINUTES
TO BREATHE.

- LOOK AT US--
BACK TOGETHER.

[all laughing]
- OH.

- LET'S SEE,
ELKA WAS THE BOMBSHELL,

I WAS THE LEGS,
DIANE WAS THE BRAINS...

- NO.

- AND MAMIE SUE
WAS THE DITZ.

- NO, YOU
WERE THE BOMBSHELL,

DIANE WAS THE LEGS,
AND MAMIE SUE

WAS THE DITZ.

- I WAS THE LEGS.

[chuckles]

ANGIE WAS THE BRAINS,

AND MAMIE SUE
WAS THE...

DITZ.

- WELL, THE JOKE'S
ON ALL OF YOU.

YOU'RE NOT
ANY OF THOSE THINGS ANYMORE,

BUT I'M STILL DITZY.

- WELL, IT'S GREAT
TO SEE YOU GUYS.

- HOW DID WE LET
SO MANY YEARS GO BY?

- I KNOW.

BECAUSE AFTER
WE WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP,

THE FAME WENT
TO OUR HEADS,

AND YOU ALL BECAME DIVAS,

WHICH LED
TO A VERY UGLY BREAKUP.

- THANKS, MAMIE SUE.

I THINK THAT WAS MORE
OF A RHETORICAL QUESTION.

- FAME DID NOT GO
TO MY HEAD.

- OH, YEAH?
WHO GOT THE SPONSOR

TO CUT THE REST OF US
OUT OF THAT OVALTINE COMMERCIAL?

- HE ONLY WANTED ME.

- YEAH, AND AFTER
HE HAD YOU,

YOU WERE IN,
AND WE WERE OUT.

- THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU WERE THE TRAMP.

- NO, ELKA WAS THE TRAMP.

ALWAYS BACKING UP
INTO A HAND DRYER,

SO IT WOULD BLOW
HER BOWLING SKIRT UP.

- THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

EVERY TIME.

AT LEAST I DIDN'T LEAVE
FOR ANOTHER TEAM.

- I JUST COULDN'T STAND DIANE
AND ANGIE ALWAYS FIGHTING.

- YEAH, YOUR FIGHT
RUINED OUR CHANCE

AT THE LIFE MAGAZINE COVER.

- YEAH, THAT'S WHAT REALLY
BROKE UP THE TEAM.

- YEAH.

- HOW COME SHE GOT
TO BE IN THE CENTER

OF EVERY PICTURE?

- BECAUSE I HAD
THE SMILE.

- YEAH, YEAH,
YOUR SMILE WAS SO BIG,

IT PUSHED THE REST OF US
OUT OF FRAME.

- BETTER MY SMILE
THAN YOUR HIPS.

- WATCH IT, SUNSHINE.

WATCH THAT MOUTH.

- SHE WAS JUST KIDDING.

- YOU HAVE ALWAYS SAID
CATTY THINGS--

- STOP IT, YOU GUYS!
- OH, THERE'S LOTS OF STUFF--

- IT'S 1963
ALL OVER AGAIN.

THE WINE NEEDS
20 MINUTES TO BREATHE,

AND I THINK WE DO TOO.

WHY DON'T WE TAKE A BREAK
AND GET SOME FRESH AIR?

- MAMIE SUE,
WE'RE ALREADY OUTSIDE.

- FINE.

I'M GOING INSIDE
FOR SOME STALE AIR.

- ME TOO.

- ME TOO.

- AREN'T YOU GOING?

- WHY SHOULD I GO?
YOU GO.

- I'M NOT GOING
ANYWHERE.

- WELL, FINE.
NEITHER AM I.

- FINE.
- FINE.

- WE'LL JUST SIT HERE

AND SAY NOTHING
TO EACH OTHER.

NOTHING AT ALL.
NOT A THING.

NOT A WORD.
NOT ONE WORD.

- COULD THAT START NOW?

- QUESTION.

WHO ARE YOUR TOP FIVE
JAPANESE DIRECTORS?

- ONLY FIVE?

I WILL ANSWER
THAT EXCELLENT QUESTION

AS SOON
AS WE'VE ORDERED DINNER.

AND I AM CERTAINLY NOT THE TYPE
OF PERSON WHO WOULD SAY,

"SIRI, WHO ARE THE TOP FIVE
JAPANESE DIRECTORS?"

- LET'S SEE,
WHAT'S GOOD HERE?

HUH.

I'M THINKING
ABOUT THE DUCK.

- SO AM I.

- MY DATE
IS A PLASTIC SURGEON.

TAKE A LOOK
AT ME RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS THE WORST
I'M EVER GONNA LOOK.

- WE SHOULD INTRODUCE HIM
TO MY DATE...

WHO HAS
WEBBED HANDS.

- WHAT?
YOU MEAN LIKE A FROG?

- OH, SURE, LIKE A FROG
OR A DUCK, A PLATYPUS,

NONE OF WHICH WOULD DRAW COMMENT
IF WE WERE DINING IN A POND.

- JOY, HOW'S YOUR DATE?

- HARD TO SAY.

- YOU'RE NOT SURE?
- NO.

THE WORDS ARE LITERALLY
HARD TO SAY.

HE PREFERS ELKA TO ME.

A 91-YEAR-OLD WOMAN
TO ME.

- WEBBED HANDS.

- PLASTIC SURGEON.

SORRY.
IT'S REALLY FUN TO WIN.

- OKAY, I JUST HAVE
TO GO OUT THERE

AND SHOW HIM
THAT I AM A DEEP ACTRESS,

WHO IS UNCONCERNED
WITH SUPERFICIAL THINGS,

AND JUST IGNORE
THE SLIGHT THWAPPING SOUND

WHENEVER HE GESTURES.

- I HAVE GOT TO SHOW ROBIN
THAT I'M JUST AS DESIRABLE

AS A WOMAN PUSHING 100.

- WELL, I JUST NEED
TO PLAY IT COOL.

I CAN'T LET HIM KNOW
HOW MUCH I WANT HIM

TO KNOCK ME OUT
AND CUT ME UP.

'CAUSE THAT'S
THIRD-DATE TALK.

- AND THERE ARE
SO MANY EXCITING NEW WAYS

TO TEASE THE FILM
ON SOCIAL MEDIA.

THERE'S TWITTER,
UH, PODCASTS,

WEBISODES.

- [shakily] PLEASE TELL ME
MORE ABOUT YOUR FILM.

THE PART OF NORA
REALLY SPEAKS TO ME.

- OH, I DON'T KNOW.

SHE'S A TORTURED,
GRITTY CHARACTER.

YOU'RE PRIMARILY KNOWN
AS A SOAP ACTRESS.

- OH, PLEASE,
AFTER THE WOODY ALLEN MOVIE,

PEOPLE DON'T EVEN
THINK OF ME THAT WAY.

- HEY!
YOU'RE HONOR ST. RAVEN.

YOU WERE ON THAT SOAP.

- EXCUSE ME.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- OH, I'M WITH THE OLD BROADS,
BUT THEY'RE FIGHTING,

SO I'D RATHER SIT WITH YOU
AND RAGGEDY ANDY HERE.

- THAT'S NICE.

- WOW, YOU DON'T
SEE THAT EVERY DAY.

- MAYBE IT WAS A MISTAKE
TO GET THE OLD GANG TOGETHER.

YOU CAN'T ESCAPE
THE GHOSTS FROM THE PAST.

- THAT'S FROM YOUR POEM.
UH, "MIDNIGHT LANE."

IT TOUCHED MY SOUL.

- YOU KNOW WHAT POEM
TOUCHED MY SOUL?

YOUR POEM, "SHADOW LIGHTS,"
IN THE NEW YORKER.

I SAW THE SUN
AS A METAPHOR

FOR ALL THE RADIANT BEAUTY
THAT'S JUST BEYOND OUR REACH.

- TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST
WITH YOU,

THE INSPIRATION IS
RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

YOU CAN SEE THE RADIANCE.
DON'T YOU, JOY?

- YES.

BUT LIKE THE SUN, IT'S--

IT'S BEST NOT TO LOOK
DIRECTLY AT IT.

- MELANIE, YOU'RE
THE PEACEMAKER IN YOUR GROUP.

WHAT CAN I DO
TO MAKE THE OTHERS GET ALONG?

- MAMIE SUE, I'M--
I'M KIND OF IN THE MIDDLE

OF A DATE RIGHT NOW.

- OH, I'M SORRY.
I'M BEING RUDE.

I'M MAMIE SUE JOHNSON.

- DR. REX SWANSON.

- DOCTOR?
WHAT'S YOUR SPECIALTY?

- I'M A PLASTIC SURGEON.

- OH, MELANIE,
YOU MUST BE SO EXCITED!

A PLASTIC SURGEON
IS HER NUMBER ONE DREAM DATE.

- NO. WHAT?
[laughs]

DON'T BE SILLY,
MAMIE SUE.

DR. SWANSON
IS JUST MY DATE.

I HAVE NO INTEREST
IN ANY NEW PROCEDURES

OR FILLERS OR CUTTING-EDGE
SCULPTING AND LIFTING TECHNIQUES

THAT COULD MAKE ME LOOK
FIVE TO SEVEN YEARS YOUNGER

WITH MINIMUM
RECOVERY TIME.

- MELANIE,
YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

I WOULDN'T
CHANGE A THING.

- OH, YOU'RE VERY SWEET.
[chuckles]

YEAH,
BUT JUST FOR FUN,

IF I WAS TO COME IN
FOR A CONSULTATION,

IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU MIGHT MAKE

JUST A LITTLE
TEENSY BIT BETTER?

I'M A MONSTER!

HE MARKED THINGS
I NEVER EVEN NOTICED!

- DON'T LET
THAT DOCTOR SEE JOY.

HE'LL RUN OUT OF INK.

- OH, THERE'S
THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUL

I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT.

- JOY, HE'S STILL A GUY.

HIKE UP YOUR SKIRT AND SHOW HIM
HOW PROFOUND YOU ARE.

- WHAT ARE YOU ALL
DOING HERE?

- THIS IS WHERE WE HANG OUT
WHEN OUR BIRTHDATES ARE TANKING.

- WELL, I CAME
TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

I DON'T WANT US
TO FIGHT.

- I DON'T WANT US
TO FIGHT EITHER.

I'M SORRY I SAID ALL THOSE
AWFUL THINGS ABOUT YOU.

- BUT YOU DIDN'T.

- CHECK YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE.

- COME ON, CHICKENS,
IT'S WINE TIME!

- ELKA AND I MADE UP.

- OH, PLEASE,
WHO EVEN REMEMBERS

WHAT WE FOUGHT ABOUT?

- THAT'S A GOOD ATTITUDE.

- NO, I HONESTLY
DON'T REMEMBER.

- SO WE'RE ALL FRIENDS,

BUT DO YOU THINK
DIANE AND ANGIE EVER WILL BE?

- HOW ABOUT WE GO
DRINK THAT WINE AND FIND OUT?

[chuckles]

- PLASTIC SURGEON?

- YEP.

- I HAD MY BOOBS DONE
LAST YEAR.

NO, I DIDN'T.

- SO.
- SO.

- [scoffs]
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

WE BOTH KNOW THE REAL REASON
THE TEAM BROKE UP.

- YES, WE DO.

- I SHOWED UP TONIGHT

HOPING THAT WE COULD LET
BYGONES BE BYGONES,

ALSO HOPING
THAT YOU HAD GOTTEN FAT.

YOU STOLE
MY BOYFRIEND, DIANE.

- HE CHASED ME.

- YOU DIDN'T HAVE
TO LET HIM CATCH YOU.

YOU TWO STILL MARRIED?

- NO.

HE WAS A PUTZ.

- HEY, I TAUGHT YOU THAT WORD.
- YES, YOU DID.

- YOU KNOW,
NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,

HE WAS A PUTZ.

- MM-HMM.
- OH.

YOU MAY HAVE
DONE ME A FAVOR.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

AND I'M SORRY.

- OH, NO.
- OH.

- MAYBE THAT'S WHAT
ALL THE TENSION WAS ABOUT.

- WOW, THAT DRESS IS AS SHORT
AS A HAIKU NOW.

I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

- OH, DO YOU?

- YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN,

BUT I DON'T VALUE
OUTWARD BEAUTY MUCH.

PERHAPS THAT'S
BECAUSE I'M...

SO BEAUTIFUL MYSELF.

- AND DID YOU RECOGNIZE
WHICH SCENE WAS MY HOMAGE

TO EISENSTEIN'S POTEMKIN?

- LOOK, I--
I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.

I HAVEN'T UNDERSTOOD ONE WORD
YOU'VE SAID ALL NIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW
JAPANESE DIRECTORS.

I'M NOT INTROSPECTIVE
OR ESOTERIC.

BUT I CAN DO THIS PART.
I SWEAR I CAN.

- FINALLY, THAT'S THE HONESTY
I HAVE BEEN SEARCHING FOR.

THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT THE CHARACTER NEEDS.

SHOW ME MORE
OF THAT HONESTY.

DEEPER, DARKER.

HURT ME WITH IT.

- I'M SELFISH.
- YES.

- AND I'M VAIN.
- YES.

- AND I'M REALLY FREAKED OUT
BY YOUR WEBBED HANDS.

- WELL, THAT'S JUST MEAN.

[deep pop]

- NO MORE FIGHTING?

- YES, THE PAST IS THE PAST.
RIGHT, KID?

- YOU BETCHA.

- WE'RE ALL GONNA
TALK NICE TO EACH OTHER.

[light laughter]

- SO UM,
DO YOU HAVE GRANDKIDS?

- EIGHT.
ALMOST ALL GROWN.

- OH, ISN'T THAT NICE?

- IT REALLY IS.

IT REALLY IS.

- NO, IT ISN'T.
IT'S BORING.

THIS ISN'T US.
- SHE'S RIGHT.

WE DIDN'T COME HERE
FOR OLD LADY CHITCHAT.

WE CAME HERE
BECAUSE WE'RE CHAMPIONS.

[laughter]

- WE WERE PRETTY GOOD.

- WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

WE WERE THE BEST
THERE EVER WAS.

- THAT'S RIGHT.
- A CLASSIC.

- EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT,
ALL EYES WERE ON US.

- THAT'S TRUE.
THEY EVEN LIKED THIS ONE.

- WELL, I HAD SEX APPEAL.

IN FACT, UH,
I STILL DO.

- REALLY?
WHERE DO YOU KEEP IT?

THE BASEMENT?

- MAN.

- NOW, THIS IS US.

- YEAH,
WE HAD OUR DIFFERENCES,

BUT WE WENT OUT
ON TOP.

- YEAH,
JUST LIKE MY HUSBAND.

- AT LEAST HE DIED
DOING SOMETHING HE LOVED.

- THAT'S RIGHT--
CHEATING ON ME.

[overlapping chatter]

- AW.

THAT'S GONNA BE US
ONE DAY.

WE SHOULD BUY
A BOTTLE OF WINE

AND OPEN IT
IN 50 YEARS.

- I'VE GOT
A BETTER IDEA.

LET'S BUY A BOTTLE OF WINE
AND OPEN IT TONIGHT.

- VICTORIA,
I'M LEAVING.

I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING
YOUR AUDITION IN LOS ANGELES.

- THANK YOU.
YEAH.

I LOOK FORWARD
TO IT AS WELL.

- YOU'RE SO SWEET.

- [whimpers]

- HEY, DIRECTOR.

WHY DON'T YOU DO A SHOW
ABOUT US?

- OH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA!

[overlapping chatter]

- THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

- I'M SORRY,
I DON'T SEE IT.

- I'D LIKE
TO MAKE A TOAST TO US.

TO FRIENDSHIP.
TO OUR CHAMPIONSHIP SEASONS.

TO US!

[laughter]
CHAMPIONS!

- BOWLERS FROM HEAVEN.
[chuckles]

[overlapping chatter]

[kitten meows]

[upbeat music]

?

- [whistles]