Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 9 - The Conversation - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

- To you.
- And you.

I'd give you a standing "o,"

but we already did that in the shower.

Emmett, I know you're in there.

- Oh, no.
- Who is it?

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

She has bat-like hearing.

I heard that.

Emmett, we need to talk.

Excuse me, but who are you



to barge into my trailer?

I'm his wife.
Who the hell are you?

But you can't be his wife.

Five years ago,

you two were on the cover
of People magazine

with a big tear down the middle.

It doesn't get more divorce than that.

We are divorced,
in every sense of the word.

Except... legally.

What?

We never got around
to signing the papers.

Nikki, if you're here,
you must want something.

I do.

You know how I've been trying



to get on a reality show?

Well, I got a call from the producers

of True Housewives
of Tampa/St. Pete.

Ooh.

Oh, I love
T.H.O.T.S.P.

I mean, what does that mindless trash

have to do with us?

They want me on the show
as Emmett's ex-wife.

But technically,
you're not his ex-wife.

Is she always this literal?

That must get old.

Anyway, they'll only cast me

if you agree to do two appearances

and an angry phone call
that interrupts me

helping Stacy through
her breast implant explosion.

Absolutely not.

You know I'll wear you down.

That may have worked
when we were married,

but not any longer.

Technically, you are still married.

Oh, jeez.
This one, like a broken record.

It's just such a shock.

I told Emmett it didn't bother
me, but I'm dying inside.

- You should have said that.
- Then I'd have to say why.

I'm upset because I thought
there was a future for us,

and I thought that he felt the same.

Then how could he feel the same

if he's known all along
that he was married?

Then talk to him.

People say that communication
is the key

to any relationship.

People don't say that.
Women say that.

Lonely women whose boyfriends
have left them

because they always want to talk

about the relationship.

Oh, and besides, it's too soon
to have that conversation.

We've only known each other
a few months.

Did he say why he hasn't
signed the divorce papers?

He said it slipped his mind.
Please.

Who forgets to sign
their divorce papers?

You and Joy.

Aren't you two still
fake-gay-Canadian married?

Oh, God, she's right.

Wait.
Maybe this is good.

This way I can bring up the subject

as something we have in common:

The need to rid ourselves

of the hideous women we married.

No offense, Joy.

I don't have time to take offense.

I have a biology final to get to,

and I've got just enough time

for one last tutoring session

- with Dr. Lloyd.
- Who's that?

Oh, he's this young resident
I've been paying

to help me study.

I didn't tell you because I wanted you

to think I was smart all on my own.

Oh, Joy.
We would never think that.

Oh, it's the Zappos delivery guy.

You mean the mailman?

I don't know
what the technical term is.

Just leave it on the porch.

Victoria, one of the reasons

we moved to Cleveland
was to get to know people.

It's okay to interact.

I'm an actor, Melanie,
not an "interactor."

Hi.
Oh, thank you so much.

How are you doing today?

If you must know,

I've never been sadder in my life.

Oh, dear.
Why?

My wife of 30 years left me today.

My heart is breaking.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Well, is there anything we can do?

"We"?

- Maybe a glass of water.
- Of course, come on in.

Just have a seat.
I'll get your water.

- A little ice maybe.
- Of course.

And if you have some lemon peel,

curlicue like the tail of the pig?

Oh, I-I don't know
how to do that.

How about a wedge?

The curlicue is better.

Starting to understand
why his wife left him.

You've got to get him out of here.

Elka, his wife just left him.

Helping him out
is the nice thing to do,

the Cleveland thing to do.

Well, even in Cleveland,
there's a line.

It's not like Dayton
where anything goes.

I'll give him his glass of water,

and then he'll leave.

You're too much of a mush.

I'll handle it.

What's going on?

He's staying for the weekend.

What happened to the line?

Welcome to Dayton.

Lloyd, I think I aced my test.

One question:

The nucleotide in RNA
but not DNA--

it's uracil, right?
- It is so uracil.

You are the best tutor ever!

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Bathroom's free.

Whose robe is that?

You know, sometimes you order a robe

from Eddie Bauer, and it doesn't come?

Yeah.

It always comes.

- Listen, Ye'arj.
- It's Ye'arj.

- Ye'arj.
- Ye'arj.

- Ye'arj.
- Ye'arj.

Ye'arj.

You're not listening, Melney.

- Melanie.
- That's what I said.

So just like you,
I too am still legally married,

albeit in Canada.

And as soon as the divorce
papers get here from--

I want to say up north,

I am gonna be signing them right away.

Good for you, Victoria.

Oh, it's sure gonna feel good
to sign those papers.

Bet it will.

Victoria, I'm not in love
with this scene

we're shooting today.

I mean, do people in real life

just burst into a room
and announce their plans?

Emmett, I'm gonna blackmail you.

What are you talking about, Nikki?

You know that famous lovemaking scene

with Emmett and Susan Sarandon?

Oh, of course.
So raw, so brave.

So fake.
He used a body double.

And if you don't agree
to be on my show,

I will tell everyone

that the famously truthful
sir Emmett Lawson is a fraud.

You know I had no choice.

I had to gain 50 pounds
for a previous role,

and my backside
was still a little doughy.

And now I have my proof.

I recorded this conversation.

Damn it.
My phone is dead.

Stupid boyfriend.

Brad!

Hey, what's up?

Were you playing Angry Birds again?

No,Fruit Ninja.

Brad used to be
our live-in tennis instructor.

I also cleaned the pools
and walked the dog.

I'm kind of a Renaissance man.

How about the Catena Malbec?

- Mmm, sounds lovely.
- Great.

You'll have to order it.

Sorry?

I can't legally since I'm under 21.

How... under 21 are you?

- 17.
- 17?

Oh, wrong, wrong.

Sorry, not 17.
18.

I turned 18, like, a week ago.
I keep forgetting.

18?
You're only 18?

I graduated high school at 11,
med school at 16.

So you're some sort of Doogie Howser?

Who?

You know, the TV show
from the early '90s.

Before you were born.

Joy, age doesn't matter to me.

What matters is that we have
a real connection.

So smooth and unlined.

How did I miss that?

I finally went through
my growth spurt last summer.

Before that, I was all baby fat,
no body hair.

Oh, God.

Joy, I think we have
something really special.

And I'm not just saying that
because you were my first.

First?
First what?

Please say "English woman."

Nope.

Lloyd, this was a huge mistake.

My huge mistake.

I had no idea you were so young.

But now that I do,
this can never happen again.

After all, I'm almost...
twice your age.

It's just wrong.

You're a genius.
I'm sure you understand.

I love you.

I love you so much.

Even though he's clearly annoyed by her

and kicked her
and her deadbeat boyfriend

out of my trailer,
he still wouldn't take the hint

and sign his divorce papers.

And obviously,
it's too soon in relationship

to have to the conversation.

Thank you.

Maybe deadbeat boyfriend
feels the same as you.

- Try getting him on your side.
- Of course.

If he wants a future with her,
maybe we can form an alliance.

- That is a really good idea.
- Thank you.

Who are you?

So, Brad, obviously
it would benefit us both

if we could get them
to sign their divorce papers.

Whoa.
Hold up.

I don't want them to get divorced.

Thanks to Emmett's money,
I'm living in a castle

and driving
a sweet-ass Jag.

She signs the papers,
I gotta say adios to all that.

But don't you want to be with Nikki?

Dude, I am with Nikki.

Plus, if I convince her
to get divorced,

then the marriage conversation
is in the air.

And who wants that conversation?

Not Brad.

So anyway, now Lloyd
is obsessed with me.

Oh, why do I have to be
such a great lover?

- He's 18.
- So?

You saw American Pie.

You're just pie.

Well, I'm down to two options
with Emmett.

Either I have the conversation
I don't want to have,

or I figure out some way to bribe Nikki

to get her out of the picture for good.

So Brad was no help?

No, he's afraid
if they're officially divorced,

then he'll have to marry Nikki.

That's it.

I've been playing this thing
with Lloyd all wrong.

Nothing sends a man running faster

than demanding a commitment.

Lloyd is the teenager
whose virginity Joy took.

He's also a brilliant doctor.

If you think that's going
to take the creep off it, Joy,

you're sadly mistaken.

Lloyd, you're 18.
You've got wild oats to sow.

Whereas my oats are sown,
my fields are fallow.

Look, I'm at a stage in life

where I want to settle down.

And let's be honest, you're not.

Marry me, Joy.

What?

Who cares if your fields are fallow?

We can always adopt.

I can't marry you, Lloyd, because...

I'm already married.

To Victoria Chase, the actress.

The one who played Amanda Bynes's mom

in Switcheroo Summer?

Maybe.

Sure.
I don't know.

We can fix this.
You can get a quick divorce.

My little brother's an attorney.

Then we can get married--

Shouldn't you get that?
It could be an emergency.

You know how sometimes
you page your doctor,

- and he's not available?
- Yeah.

He's always available.

So if I sign the divorce papers,

you'll help me convince Emmett
to appear on my reality show?

- Exactly.
- Done.

Oh, fantastic.

So how soon can your lawyers send them?

No, no.
I'm mean, done-done.

I signed them years ago.

It's Emmett that hasn't signed them.

What?

So it's Emmett
who doesn't want the divorce?

Look, Sir God's gift to women

has a pattern.

He becomes infatuated with a woman,

makes passionate,
actor-y love to her.

And the moment she starts

hinting around for a commitment,

he drops the bomb
that he's still married.

I'm his get-out-of-love
free card.

Hmm.
I don't believe you.

If I weren't his safety net,

why on earth would he keep me around?

Oh, God.

You're right.

On the upside, when he dumps someone,

there's always a Cartier box

with a gorgeous diamond watch
or an anklet inside.

What, so I give him my heart,

and he gives me an anklet?

Look, maybe I'm wrong this time.

I mean, he does seem
to genuinely care for you

more than any of the others.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You'll probably rate
at least a necklace.

Anyway, you'll still talk Emmett
into coming on my show, right?

'Cause if you don't,

I will cut you like bad bangs, bitch.

Aren't I perfect for True Housewives?

His grandmother's favorite movie

was Say Anything...

I'm depressed enough.

Do we have to listen
to that song over and over?

Joy, go talk
to your 12-year-old boyfriend.

He's not 12.

He was six years ago.

Fine, I'll go talk to him.

Oh, I wish I could talk to Emmett.

Victoria, you have to.

You have to have the conversation.

She's right.

It's the not knowing
that's killing you.

Well said, little mother.

I would give anything
to talk to my wife again.

Oh, I forgot.
Anyone taping The Voice?

I know you think
that what you're feeling now

you'll feel forever,
but believe me, you won't.

You think it's destiny,
but it's just biology.

And once the sex endorphins wear off,

you'll come to your senses.

Do you understand me, Lloyd?

I love you.

I love you so much.

Look, Emmett, the last thing

I wanted was to have this conversation,

but the truth is,
I don't want you to be married

because I don't want
that position to be filled.

Now that I'm looking
for anything right now.

It's just I want that
to at least be a possibility.

Well, I'd be a bit of an idiot

if I hadn't seen
this conversation coming.

Victoria, I have something for you.

Jewelry.

Darling, you look so sad.

Yeah, because I am sad.

I'm devastated.

You said you loved me.

When did I say that?

In Venice when I hiding in--
never mind.

When you were hiding
in the room service cart

in my hotel room.

- You knew?
- I smelled your perfume.

I didn't say anything

because I didn't want to embarrass you.

I know you, Victoria.

Yeah, well, then you should
know that I don't want this.

Just open it.

The last page
of my divorce papers, signed.

Oh, Emmett.

Oh, what made you change your mind?

Having Nikki around reminded me

how different things are with you.

And I realized that on some level,

I'm using this technicality
to get out of things

with women I didn't really care about.

But you, Victoria,
you have changed everything.

And Nikki?

Oh, I have agreed to call

at the precise moment
that Stacy's implant explodes.

Whoa.
Oh, that's gonna be a good one.

I mean, you know, for the people
who watch those shows.

Oh, Emmett, thank you.

Nothing in the world
is more valuable than this gift.

There's something else in there.

So many diamonds.

Oh, Emmett.

Like I said, Victoria,

I know you.

Yat. Yee. Yan.

I win again!

You are terrible at poker.

We're playing poker?

I thought he was doing a magic trick.

Oh, it's my wife.
She's come to pick me up.

Your wife?
She came back?

Yes, she's back.

Hey, Fado.

Everybody, this is my wife Fado.

Oh, please come in, Fado.

- Fado.
- Fado.

- Fado.
- Fado.

It's okay.

A lot of Americans have trouble.

We're so happy you came back to him.

Of course I came back.

I was just away for a girls'
weekend with my daughter.

You told us your wife left you.

She did.
I was so lonely.

I know what it's like to be lonely.

Take me back, Joy.

Oh, Lloyd.

Joy, allow me.

There is a famous story in my country

about a young, handsome prince

that falls in love with an old crone.

I beg your pardon.

Yeesha, be quiet.

Sorry, Yeesha is the name
of the old crone.

So the old crone cast a spell

that is only broken
when the prince meets

an age-appropriate princess.

Make the longer story short,

this is the picture
of my daughter, Madison.

She's very beautiful.

- Ye'arj, he's a stranger.
- He's a doctor.

Come to dinner at our house.
We'll introduce you.

Good call.

He's practically a virgin.

He's only been with Yeesha.

Joy.

Goodbye, Lloyd, and good luck.

Well, thank you for your hospitality.

Oh, here.
Take this wine.

Oh, but it's addressed
to the Thompsons.

Oh, you know how sometimes
you forget to tip the mailman,

and you think it doesn't matter?

Yeah.

It always matters.