Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 8 - Extras - full transcript

- Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front of
a live studio audience.

- Say, "Nana."

Say, "Nana," Wilbur.
Na-na.

- It's official.
Men of all ages ignore you.

- Look, some of the other babies
in Wilbur's play group

have already started talking.

Actually, I was getting
a little embarrassed,

so I knocked a few months
off his age.

- You lied about a baby's age?

- Oh, I wish my mother
had done that for me.



But no, I'm a self-made
thirtysomething.

- Okay, everybody!
How do I look?

- You're giving off a Joy vibe.

- Oh, no, I don't want
to look that slutty.

- Hey!

- She said it.

Anyway, I want to look
a little slutty.

Tonight's the big night
with Alec.

And it has to be perfect.

I have to be perfect.

So I spent all day getting
prepped and tweezed and waxed.

My whole body's as smooth
as a porpoise.

Oh, hi, Emmet.
I didn't know you were here.

- No need for embarrassment.



Go on, you were saying
you're as smooth as a porpoise.

- Men like that, right?

- Well, it all depends.

Sometimes you like
the tightly-mowed lawn

of an English country garden.
And sometimes,

you like the steamy jungle
of the Amazon rainforest.

- Oh, no.
What if Alec's an Amazon guy,

and I destroyed the rainforest?

- Oh, men are not nearly
as judgmental as you think.

We care more about response
and enthusiasm.

If you like the show,
let us know.

- Especially if you want
an encore.

- Oh!

I am so nervous.
I can't stand it.

- That's just stage fright.
You'll be brilliant.

Bye.

- She's a mess.

- Well, we should head out
as well.

We have to be
on the set by 8:00 P.M.

- I'm so excited.

I'm gonna be in
a Woody Allen movie.

Well, I know I'm just an extra,

but I've never been
in a movie before.

- Darling, just stand where
you're supposed to stand

and don't say anything.
- Especially to the stars.

- Well, I can talk to you.
- Oh, no.

No, if you even make
eye contact with me,

I'll have to have you physically
tossed off the set.

I think it's some sort
of union thing.

- Ah! Limo's here.
- Ooh.

A limo.

Fine, I'll drive myself.

Okay, you two are
in charge of Wilbur.

You know the rules.

Absolutely no TV,
and no baby talk.

- We promise.

- Actually, everything you say
sounds like baby talk.

Any way you can butch
it up a bit?

Will do.

- Bye, Wilbur.
Say, "Nana."

Nana.

- I'm just hoping
his first words will be "Nana."

I'll see you later.

- A little TV is not gonna hurt
you, right, Wilbur?

- TV!

- Uh-oh.
- I mean, uh-oh.

- ♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

- Action!

Cut.

- Liam.
- Joy.

- You're very good.
Completely in the moment.

- Thanks.
I'm a bit nervous.

Never been an extra before.
- Hmm.

- Though I did play
Oscar Madison

in my high school production
of The Odd Couple.

- Oh, all-girl school?
- No.

- Roll cameras again.

Action.

Cut.

- I know you from somewhere.

- Well, when I was a teenager,
I was the star of a little show

called The Boomerang Gang.
I was the chubby one.

My catchphrase was,
"Wait up, you guys."

- I remember that show.
It was on in England.

Oh, I had the biggest crush
on... you.

- You were gonna say
Roddy McNichol, weren't you?

- No.
- And now he's fat

and I'm skinny, how about that?

So anyway, when the show ended

I quit the business
to find myself.

And I found myself sorry that
I quit the business.

I was totally broke.

And now I'm just clawing
my way back in.

So who gave you this gig?

- Oh, a friend of mine.
But I'm not allowed to say who.

This movie has really
dialed up her diva.

- Oh.
- How about you?

- Well, I'm not allowed
to say either,

even though I'm the one
who got his career started

in the first place.
Ungrateful sod.

- Well, then.
I don't like him.

- Well, then I like you.
Do you want to go out tonight?

- Oh, I don't know.
We just met.

- Action.
Cut.

- Okay.

- Wow!

That was— You are...

I mean, you hope.

And you picture.

But, you...

Wow!

- You fake-porned him?
- I fake-porned him.

- Why?
- I panicked!

Emmet said,
"Men like enthusiasm,"

so I went a little overboard.

I mean, I was like

someone reviewing their
own business on Yelp.

- You set the sex bar
way too high.

- I know!

And now he's gonna expect
fake-porn Melanie every time.

I'm gonna be so busy
putting on a show

that I won't be able
to relax and enjoy it!

- And you can't go back.
It's like tipping.

Once you go 30%,
you can't go back to 20%.

You have to fake your own death

and find a new manicurist.

Ooh, it's my co-star
from the restaurant scene.

We made a date.

- Joy, you don't date extras.
That's like dating scenery.

- Well, passing over lightly
that I'm an extra,

I like Liam
and I'm going out with him.

- Liam? Oh, no, no, no.
You definitely cannot date him.

Liam is Emmet's brother.

- His brother?

So Emmet's the ungrateful
bastard who stole Liam's career?

- No, Liam is the bitter
has-been who resents

Emmet's talent and success.

Now you may not know this,
but after The Boomerang Gang,

Liam dedicated himself
to having a good time.

- He was finding himself.

- Well, he should have known
from "The Boomerang Gang"

that what goes around,
comes around.

Liam was too drunk
to go to an audition,

so Emmet read his part
and they liked him so much

they rewrote the role,
and a star was born.

- So, Emmet did steal
Liam's career.

- If that's what you're taking
from this story, Joy,

then you really have no business
being in show business.

- Well, maybe not.

But you still can't dictate
who I go out with.

- But surely you see
how awkward it would be.

Both of us dating
feuding brothers?

Am I right, Melanie?

- Oh, it never works out
when I take sides.

- Oh, come on, don't be a wimp.
Just tell us what you think.

- I think Joy has a point.
- Who asked you?

- I'm going to get ready
for my date.

- Me too.
I'm seeing Alec again tonight.

But this time I'm just gonna
try to relax and not fake it,

because at the end of the day,
men want something real,

not some over-exaggerated
sex doll, right?

Wow.

I mean, seriously.

Are you from circus folk?

Because that was insane.

I had no idea
you were double-jointed.

- Neither did I.

- You said you weren't gonna
fake-porn him anymore.

- I know, but I got a leg cramp,

and I screamed really loud
and he got into it.

So I went even more overboard
than last time.

So now the sex bar
has been raised really high!

- To which I say, brava!

A performer can never
be satisfied.

- But I'm not a performer.

I'm just a nice, ordinary girl

who wants
a nice, ordinary orgasm.

- Excellent exit line.

Only, next time toss off
the word "orgasm."

Don't make such a meal of it.

- You know, I'm just gonna tell
Alec the truth at work today.

- That's a terrible exit line.

- In her defense,
it does make the audience wonder

what's gonna happen next.

- Yeah.
- It's an interesting choice.

- You know,
we may be extras on the set,

but we are not
extras in their lives.

- I know.

How dare Emmet say
that I can't see you?

- Or Victoria say
I can't see you.

- We should see each other
because we like each other

and we have a lot in common.

- Like our resentment
for Victoria and Emmet.

Not that resentment is
a good basis for a relationship.

- Oh, right.

Resentment will
keep you together for what,

14, 15 years tops?

Hello, Emmet.

Victoria.

- Liam, Joy.
- Victoria, Emmet.

- Joy, Liam.

Chance.

What a surprise seeing you out
here after what we discussed.

- What a surprise that
you would be surprised

that you're not the boss of me.

- And what a surprise
that you're dating

my girlfriend's girlfriend

just so that you can
constantly be in my orbit.

- Yet it's no surprise
that you think

you're the center
of the universe.

- Well, the Melbourne
Planetarium certainly thought so

when they chose me to be
the voice of The Big Bang.

- It's a good exit line.
- It was, wasn't it?

- Mm.
- Let's go.

- Insufferable.

- You know, if we wanted
to get back at them...

- Oh, I don't want
to get back at her.

She's my best friend.

But do go on.

- There's a little trick
we extras have

called "stealing focus."

I'll explain it to you
on the way to the set.

- Is it doing something
distracting so you steal focus?

- Okay, we'll talk about
something else

on the way to the set.

- "The barn is blue.
The farmer wears a shoe.

The cow says..."

- TV.

- This isn't working.
The kid's a broken record.

What are you doing?

- I want to see how it ends.

- Will you put that down?

We have to fix this.
- You're right.

If Joy finds out, she'll never
let us babysit again.

And I love hanging out
with Wilbur.

He gets me.

- Let's get him to say something
that sounds like "TV."

- How about T.B.?

- Tuberculosis?
Really?

How about T.D.?
- Like touchdown?

- Mm.
- Perfect!

We can say we took him
to a Browns game.

- That would require the Browns
scoring a touchdown, but...

well—oh—
T.D.

- TV!

- Oh, crap, this isn't working.

- Crap.

- Elka, watch your language.

- Bitch.

- I may have whispered that when
you ate the last mint Milano.

- Another amazing presentation.
Unbelievable!

I-I mean, you're the best.
You're the absolute best.

So, why don't we go
to your place and celebrate?

- Melanie, have a seat.

This seems like a good time
to say that like any guy,

I love praise, but I'm releasing
you from having to go overboard.

- What—what do you mean?

- You know, there's praise,
and then there's praise.

Come on.
Nobody is that good.

- Oh, God. You could tell?
- Well...

- I was just so nervous
the first time.

I wanted to be really great,

so I kind of went
all fake porno on you.

- I'm sorry?

- Oh, God. You were talking
about work, weren't you?

- You faked it with me?
Both times?

Lock the door.

- Wait, here? Now?

- Well, we can't go to my place.

The workmen are still repairing
the hole you kicked in the wall.

- And action.

- Oh, darling.

Have there ever been
two people more in love?

Cut!

- 'Scuse me, uh,
Mr. Sir Lawson?

You can't say, "Cut."

- You're not Woody Allen.
Who are you?

- It's me Gary,
the assistant director.

I call you every night,
we talk about your scenes.

- No, I talk to Woody every...

Oh, dear God.

Well, Gary, these extras

are pulling focus
with their gratuitous business.

- It's not gratuitous,
it's part of our backstory.

We're getting married.

- Maybe you two
should congratulate us.

- Extras don't need a backstory

any more than the salt shaker.

How was your childhood?

Did you labor in the salt mines?

That's funny.

- No, it's not, Victoria.

- Gary, would you
please remind Joy

that extras are not
to address the stars?

- Anything for you, Victoria.
Best 2 1/2 minutes of my life.

Again, I apologize.
- It was fine.

- Gary, I have an idea.

Why don't you move them
to this table over here?

- We won't even be on camera.

- You should be
used to that by now.

- You bloody bastard.

I refuse to be banished
to cinematic Siberia.

- Victoria, do something.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Joy,
do I know you?

- For God sakes, Victoria,
you just called me Joy.

Are you really going to
side with Emmet over me?

- Oh, darling.

Have there ever been
two people more in love?

- Well, there you have it.

Un-faked, straight-up,
real deal sex.

- So nice.

- You miss the fake porn,
don't you?

- No.

No, of course not.
Nice is good.

- Okay, maybe I toned it down
a little bit too much.

I'm sorry, I just— you know,

I can't get my brain
to turn off and stop thinking.

- It's okay, it's okay.
Don't worry about it.

Let's— let's get back to work.

- Right, right, we have to
pick the before photo

for that toenail
fungus cream campaign.

- Now, see, I like this one.

It's both green,
and it's oozing something green.

- Really?

'Cause I like
this yellow, crusty one.

You know, it looks like
it's about to burst.

- Hmm.

Ooh, there's a good one.
- Mm.

- There's hardly
any nail bed left.

- Wow.
- Wow.

Real?
- Completely.

You?
- Yeah.

Guys can't really fake it.

Except emotionally.

Not with you.

- So, why do you
think this time?

Oh—oh, no.

Do you think it was
the toe fungus?

Do we have some very weird,
specific, shared fetish?

- I hope not.

But I could live with that.
That's how good it was.

You know what?
I think it was the toe fungus.

- Really?
- Yeah, but not in a creepy way.

I think it just kind of
humanized the whole thing.

Took perfection off the table.

- You may be right.

- Yeah, we're not porn stars.

- Hmm.

- We don't have to do anything
filmable or perfect.

We're just two people
who really like each other.

Find each other fascinating
and interesting,

and extremely attractive
in all the right places.

Right, Alec?

Well, that's real.

- I take it from the pivot
that you're still upset.

Joy.

- Oh, so you do
remember my name.

- Oh, come on.

I was just following movie star
protocol vis-a-vis extras.

- Movie star protocol?

Do you even hear yourself?

How could you banish me
from the set?

- Well, how could I not,

after you and Liam made that
scene during our scene?

- You and Emmet deserved it.
You think no one else matters.

- Joy...

come on, you know how much
I value our friendship.

You are the wind
beneath my wings.

- Really?

That's how you see me?

Down below, puffing away to keep
your big, old wings aloft?

- No, no, no,
I mean like the song.

- That is the stupid song!

The singer gets to shine,
'cause the singee

has to walk a step behind,
out of the sunlight,

her beautiful smile
hiding the pain.

- Oh, but that's what makes you
my hero—it's a good thing.

For you!

And you know what?
It's not only this movie.

It's a pattern with us.

I mean, just since
we moved to Cleveland,

you've had me
pretend to be your gay wife,

lie about your fake goiter,
seduce your co-anchor,

poison Susan Lucci!

Need I go on?

- Excuse me, but I do not recall
putting a gun to your head.

Well, except for
that one time back in L.A.

when we were
rehearsing that scene

where Honor St. Raven put a gun
to her best friend's head.

- And your housekeeper overheard
us and called the police.

I got handcuffed!

- Yes, but then we laughed
about it all night

with those handsome officers
who took us to dinner.

- Okay, maybe that part was fun.

- And poisoning
Susan Lucci was fun.

- It was, a little.

- Look, Joy, I admit that

dating sir Emmet Lawson
and being in a Woody Allen film

maybe went to my head
a little, and...

and I lost my mind, and I—
And I wasn't a very good friend.

But this is just...
such a dream come true for me.

- I know it is.

But that doesn't
excuse your behavior.

- You're right.

And I'm really sorry.

- Thank you.

And I admit being
part of your shenanigans

does add a bit of excitement
to my life.

- So tell me,
how can I make this up to you?

- I don't know if there's
anything you can do.

I'm still pretty upset.

- What if I got you
a line in the movie?

- Done.

- Wilbur, Nana's home.

Were you a good boy
for Elka and Mamie Sue?

- Oh, yes.

We read Baby Shakespeare,

listened to Baby Beethoven...

I think both of them
did better work as adults.

- Wilbur, darling,
say, "Nana."

Na-na.

- Nana.

- Did you hear that?

Wilbur just said his first word,
and it was "Nana"!

- Well, actually,
his first words...

- Zip it.

- I'm gonna film it.
Now have him do a second take.

- Wilbur, say it again.

Say, "Nana."

- TV.

- Did he just say, "TV"?

- I heard, "Nana."

- TV.

- That's from Baby Shakespeare.

"TV or not TV."

- Owen and I made it very clear.

No TV, no processed sugar,
watch your language.

- Crap.

- That is us
watching our language.

- That's it, you two are off
the babysitting list.

You are never
watching Wilbur again.

- Bitch.

- I got nothing.

- ♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪♪

- Hey!