Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 7 - Magic Diet Candy - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Stop!

One at a time,
tell me what the hell

just happened in my church.

Joy, why don't you start?

I'm sorry we spoiled
Wilbur's christening.

But, as usual, it was all
my mother's fault.

Oh, twaddle.

You did drop a rather large
bombshell.

Please, I lived
through the Blitz.

Bombshells were
dropping everywhere.



People dying.

Did anyone die today?

Not yet.

Obviously, there's a history
of conflict issues here.

As a trained counselor,
perhaps I can help.

Fine.

I welcome having
a neutral observer

because I know
I'll win!

And I have utter confidence
that the ruling

will be in my favor.

There's no ruling
or winning.

This is a House of God,

not The Voice.

Let's remember, we're all here
for the love of this baby.



A baby that,
until two weeks ago,

Rejoyla hadn't even
told me existed.

So, point for me.

There are no points.

But if there were,
I'd have one.

Technically, two.

She didn't tell you
about Owen, either.

Whose side are you on?

If you have to ask...

Could we please just
start at the beginning?

- Joy.
- Well...

Owen and I needed a church
for the christening,

and Elka kindly
suggested this one.

I think this church
is lovely.

Do you think
your mom'll like it?

I hope so.

Oh, I'm so looking forward
to my dear mother's arrival.

Liar! You never said
any such thing.

Well, maybe I didn't
use those exact words.

But that was the gist.

I think this church
is lovely.

Do you think your mom'll
like it?

I hope so. Now, if the Xanax
I took will just kick in,

she can't be that bad.

Poor little lamb.

Raised by kind people.

You have
no natural defenses.

Which is why I've made you
this list.

It's all the lies
you'll have to memorize

before she gets here.

I'm a board-certified
cardiologist?

Mmhmm.
Also right-handed.

She thinks lefties
are lazy.

What if she asks where I went
to right-handed medical school?

Well, it's all
in the appendix.

Oh, and here's your forged
prescription pad.

Thanks for the Xanax,
by the way.

Hey, sorry we're late,

but Victoria had to tell
everyone we met

all about her famous
new boyfriend,

including the street mime.

He asked.

Okay, maybe not
in so many words.

That is a disgrace.

Oh, Elka, not this again.

She's head of the restoration
committee for the fresco,

and she thinks the restorer's
taking too long.

Well, he is.

Give me a box of paints
and a six-pack of beer.

I'll knock that baby
out tonight.

Well, Reverend Lare
said he was very pleased

with the way
the work is going.

Oh, that old pulpit pounder
doesn't know his ass

from a hole in the ground.

What I actually said was,

"Ask anyone,
he's the holiest man around."

Uhhuh.

Apropos of holes
in the ground,

my boyfriend,
Sir Emmet Lawson,

is quite devoted to golf.

You're dating
Emmet Lawson?

Oh, if it's
a sin to love,

then I am guilty.

Wow. Well,
no wonder you're upset

that Melanie made you fat.

What did you
just call me?

I-I mean, uh...

Point for you.

I thought we weren't
doing points.

I'm on board now.

Okay, I do feel guilty that
I made Victoria gain weight,

but she just wouldn't stop
with the Sir Emmet Lawson talk.

It gets old.

It really does.

Honest to God.

It's him.

My boyfriend,
Sir Emmet Lawson.

Hello,
my boyfriend Sir Emmet Lawson.

I'm glad she's in love,
I just wish I could

get her to shut up
about it.

When I'm training dogs,

I use
positive reinforcement.

Reward good behavior
with a treat.

She is pretty suggestible.

But she doesn't eat treats.

Unless...

I could say my P.R. firm

is test-marketing an
experimental weight loss treat.

Is this a buttery caramel,

or... is it
a magic diet candy?

Magic diet candy?
Where? I want...

Am I ever going to get
a chance to speak?

Rejoyla always accuses me
of being judgmental.

And though I was
a bit shocked

that my grandson
out of wedlock

had his own son
out of wedlock,

one must go
with the times.

So I arrived for my visit

as an open
and loving grandmother.

Oh, there's
the little bastard!

Seriously, Mother?

"Little bastard"?

It's still better
than Wilbur.

Baby can't understand
a word I'm saying.

Can he, Doctor?

Who?

Oh.

Yes, yes, of course.

As a board-certified
cardiologist,

that's not really
my specialty.

It was Stanford, right?

Owen.

I was talking about
your medical school.

Oh, right!
Of course.

Big Stanford dude, yeah.

I really miss...
California?

You know, Philipa,
your accent

is reminding me of my boyfriend,
Sir Emmet Lawson.

As you know, he was knighted
by your queen.

Oh, please.
He's Australian.

You might as well
knight a sheep.

But could that sheep
win academy awards?

- And speaking of awards--
- Victoria, magic diet candy?

Oh, thank you.

Um, maybe you could open
a bottle of wine for us.

Mm, of course.

And while you're in there,

maybe a tray
of hors d'oeuvres.

Great idea.

Here is the latest edition
of the baby book I used.

Let Them Cry: The British Guide
to Raising Children.

The pages are all blank.

You don't read it.
It's for spanking.

You see
what I'm dealing with?

Oh, calm down, Rejoyla.

It's a joke.

Laughter's the best
medicine, isn't it, Doctor?

As a board-certified
cardiologist...

That's not really
my specialty.

Now, here is baby Wilbur's
real gift.

That's funny.

Good one.

Don't be cheeky.

Scroggs have been christened
in this gown for generations.

Yeah, but as I mentioned
on the phone,

he's wearing a simple
cotton onesie.

Nonsense.
No God-fearing priest

would baptize a child
in a onesie.

He's not being baptized
by a priest.

Owen is protestant.

What? He's being baptized
by a heretic?

Rejoyla, if this is your idea
of a warm welcome,

you have failed hideously.

Could be worse.

When I first came here
last year, they shot me.

- What?
- Owen, no.

Oh! Accidentally, of course.

Nothing serious.

Although sometimes I still get
a little numbness.

You told me that you met
Owen and Wilbur

two weeks ago,

and now I find out
that you shot him last year?

And you've been keeping
my grandchildren from me

for some whatever--
ridiculous--

Oh... oh...

Oh, God, what is it now?

Oh, it's...
It's just a chest pain.

From the impact
of this lie, no doubt.

It's nothing, it's nothing.
I'm sure it's...

Right, Doctor?

As a board certified
cardiologist, that's--

Oh, God, I think this actually
is my specialty.

I could have died!

The only thing
you could have died from

is overacting! You've had
more fake heart attacks

than Fred Sanford!

And you--how could you forget
number 67 on the list--

we met two weeks ago.
Number 67!

Shouldn't that have been
a little higher on the list,

like, I don't know,
maybe number one?

It was buried under
an avalanche of other lies

like amateur pastry chef
and Manchester United fan.

You don't root for Man U?

Shoot him again!

This is fun.
I'm glad I stayed.

I don't know why we are
focusing on these harmless lies

when one of us has been
literally disfigured!

Who was disfigured?

Me!

I gained three pounds
on those candies.

Five.
I turned your scale back.

Damn her.
Damn her to hell.

He can't.

He's protestant.

It's all carrot and no stick
with these people.

Victoria, I'm sorry.

I just wanted you to stop
talking about Emmet.

I guess I got carried away.

I did unspeakable things
for you.

Thank you for going
to the post office.

You're welcome.

It's my dress
for the christening.

It's the one the good wife wore
to visit big in prison.

No, no. No, that's
the same dress that I ordered

to wear to the christening.

Oh, dear,
what a dilemma.

Whatever shall we do?

Why don't you wear the dress
this time,

because I'm gonna be so thin,

I won't be able to fit into mine
after all that diet candy.

Oh, thank you.
You're the best!

You're a good girl.
Yes, you are.

Maybe you could
steam it for me too?

Don't you think you're abusing
Victoria just a little?

Don't you see
how pleasant she's being?

It wasn't a criticism.

So what are you doing?

Oh, I'm just looking
at some of my old paintings.

What, you did these?

I did all the artwork
in this house.

That's amazing!

Oh, I wish I could paint
like this.

Well, you can.

It's as easy as one,
two, three.

One is yellow,
two is blue,

and three is red.

Wait a minute.

We have paint-by-number art
on our walls?

Have you forgotten that I am
dating Sir Emmet Lawson?

I don't think anyone
can forget that.

And don't you have
bigger things to worry about...

Tubby?

How can my skirt be
tighter than I remember?

I've been eating a ton
of magic diet candy.

Well, the way the magic works

is sometimes you gain
a teeny bit of weight

in the beginning,

but you'll definitely
start losing it.

I can barely breathe
in this thing!

Melanie, pray with me that
the candy kicks in soon.

Dear lord...

Please look with favor
on the magic candy

of my dear friend Melanie,
your servant--

Okay, Victoria, stop.

Stop before I get hit
by lighting.

Um...
I'm gonna tell you something.

Jesus!

Is lord.

All right,

now we're up to
the christening part.

And you know how well
that went.

Mrs. Scroggs, will your
husband be joining us?

Hard to say.

He went out for groceries
30 years ago.

Haven't heard from him since.

Another fun fact.

Both Owen and the baby
were born out of wedlock.

Well, at least there's
one innocent among us.

Thank you.

I was referring
to the baby.

Well, you certainly couldn't
have been referring to Melanie.

She's a sinner and a liar
and a betrayer.

Getting you to shut up
about your boyfriend

was worth a few bags
of candy.

Bags?

Oh, my...

Shall we begin
the christening?

Is it really a christening

if the baby shows up
in a dingy old nappy?

Again, Wilbur is wearing
a onesie.

He's comfortable.

When you ask God to free
your child from original sin,

you should be worried
about making him look his best,

not how quickly
you can unsnap his crotch!

Mother,
this is what Owen wants.

Actually,
Owen just wants this to be over.

Rejoyla, I simply don't
understand why you dismiss

all my wishes after
everything I've done for you.

Everything you've done for me?
Oh, please.

Name one thing
you've ever done for me.

Saved you from
a miserable marriage

to that teenage hooligan
who got you pregnant.

Oh, what are you
talking about?

Simon never asked me
to marry him.

Because I stopped him!

What?

- What?
- What?

It's a miracle!

She completely changed
the course of my life

without even
consulting me.

I thought Simon
abandoned me.

Which is probably
what messed up

my relationship
with men ever since.

She's right.

She cannot pick 'em.

Owen, would you please
take Wilbur to the altar?

We'll be there soon.

So, we're still
doing this?

I may do it twice.

This kid could use
the protection.

Now, I'm going to dispense with
the lesser transgressions first.

Melanie,
what you did was wrong.

You can make it up to Victoria
by doing her bidding for a week.

And listening to her
endless Emmet Lawson stories.

So a normal week.

Thank you.

Now you.

You turned St. John
into a monkey.

In my defense, the Bible
never said what he looked like.

It would have
if he looked like a monkey.

Now, rather than
restore the painting,

we're gonna go with
the whole animal motif

and turn it into
a Noah's ark thing.

Fine.
I'll get my brushes.

No, you won't.
You won't.

We're gonna
hire a real artist.

I know just the artist.

It's not you.

Fine.

I'll take my talent
to the temple down the street.

Shalom.

Now to the heart
of the matter.

Finally.

Simon wanted to marry me,
and you turned him away.

How could you?

You were teenagers.
He didn't have a job.

But mostly because
I knew you'd say yes.

I was thinking about you.

But also about that little baby
and what was best for him.

That was not your choice.

And I think what's best
for me now is that you and I

- never--
- Joy. Excuse me.

Mrs. Scroggs,
could you give us a moment?

Fine. I was going to ask
for a cigarette break anyway.

Now that I know my grandson
isn't a cardiologist,

I feel I can smoke
as much as I want.

Why did you send her out?

I need her to hear
all the ways she's hurt me.

And I need for her to say she's
sorry for everything she's done!

Joy, please.

People often
ask me to mediate

confrontations
with their parents,

hoping to get
the same thing you want.

But 99 out of 100 times,
what they get

is a defensive,
wounded parent

who remembers things
differently.

And the relationship
only worsens.

I'll take those odds.
I need this.

Look, you need to do
what you think is right,

but maybe you could
take a cue from Melanie.

What do you mean?

Sometimes we get
more of what we want with candy.

What, so I'm just
supposed to forgive her?

We are pretty big
on forgiveness here.

Well, can you recommend
a church that's big on revenge?

Because I want to go there.

Oh, and then Emmet texted me
the funniest thing from London.

Wait, I want to get it
word for word.

Uh, "I'm performing
at the Old Vic,

but I'm dating
the young Vic."

Oh.

Has anyone seen Joy?

She's out on the porch.

Elka,
you're painting again.

- It's a present for you.
- Really?

It's Wilbur,

in the christening gown
you gave him.

Rejoyla.

We have to talk sometime.

Well, I definitely
have something to say to you.

Go ahead.
Let me have it.

What I want to say is...

Thank you.

What?

You were right.

I would have married Simon,
it wouldn't have lasted,

and I would've been
a single mother.

You knew how hard that was,
and you wanted to spare me.

And also...

Although I haven't
exactly enjoyed

your constant,
lifelong criticism,

I do realize it's because
you want the best for me.

And that's all
you've ever wanted.

All clean.

Boy, kids are
a lot of work.

Owen,

would you mind
a bit of advice?

Okay, sure.

When he gets older
and makes mistakes,

don't be too hard on him.

Children aren't perfect,

but they don't need to know
that you know that.

The world will tell him
he has flaws.

Try to be the one
that looks at him

with the kindest eyes.

Oh, it's getting
a bit chilly.

I need a sweater.

Can I get you anything, Joy?

No, Mom.

I think I got
everything I need.