Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 10 - The Anger Games - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

It's here everyone:

My interview in
Cosmopolitan Magazine.

"Victoria Chase Sizzles
In Her Fabulous 40s."

Why are you bringing us
20-year-old Cosmos?

God, this magazine!

In the last 30 years,

I must have read
7,000 sex tips.

And it all comes down to two--

Be a woman and show up.

My mother told me,



"Wiggle your hips
and say his name a lot."

In Polish, it rhymes.

Oh, this is all
so exciting.

Being in a Woody Allen movie
and dating Sir Emmet Lawson

has made me
press-worthy again.

[Gasps]
Oh, my God.

It's Jimmy Kimmel's office.

- Answer it.
- I can't pick up my own phone.

I need an assistant.
Melanie, you're hired.

Victoria, I have a job.

Doing...?

I've been working

at a public relations firm
for months.

Huh.
Joy, what about you?



I'm in college.

When did all of this happen?

Come on, Joy,
we got to get going.

We're playing tennis
before work

with Alec
and his friend Bill.

This isn't
a secret fix-up, is it?

No, no, we just need
a fourth.

Good, 'cause I'm taking
a break from dating.

I really need
a little perspective.

He's 6'2"
and super cute.

And that's
just the perspective I needed.

Hurry up. We'll be late
for our date.

Okay,
but I really should warn you,

he's a word shortener.

Vacation is "vacay,"

session is "sesh,"
Cleveland is "Cleve."

Mm, that sounds annoying.

He also owns
his own restaurant.

"Terrif."

Talk to me, babe.

Elka, who are you calling?

Kimmel.

- What?
- I'm your new assistant.

Have you lost your mind?

I got this.

I watched every episode
of Entourage.

All right,
give me that phone.

Victoria Chase returning.

If she doesn't get
the first spot,

she's going straight
to Letterman.

No, no,
any spot is fine.

First spot?

Oh, thank you, Bernie.

See you Friday at Temple.

Temple, really?

He's not gonna be there
either.

What a great game!

Boy, you really hustle
on the court.

- I like to win.
- I just like to play.

I don't care who wins.

I noticed.

But, wow, you and Bill,
you guys sure are competitive.

Oh, that's just
all in good fun.

And the fun part is,
I am better than him

by, like, a lot.

Hey, Bill and Joy
really seemed to hit it off.

Do you think
maybe we should invite 'em

for game night Saturday?

I don't know.

Friends dating friends--
that gets weird.

Well, no,
it doesn't have to be.

And Joy really deserves
a great guy like Bill.

She's had bad luck with men.

But don't tell Bill,
I don't want to spook him.

[Phone chimes]

Oh, sweet!

I just got selected

to be Cleveland's
most eligible bachelor

for the sixth year in a row.

Oh, that's terrific.

You don't seem happy
about it.

No, I am, I am.

Yeah, I just didn't think
you were gonna be

in the running this year,

'cause, you know,
the word "eligible"

makes you sound so eligible.

Which, of course,
I'm not...

Although Chloe always thought
it was good for business.

Uhhuh.
Uh-huh.

But Chloe doesn't work
here anymore.

So it only matters
what you think.

So...

What do you think?

I guess I think
that I don't need to be

on some silly magazine cover.
[Chuckles]

You'd give up your crown
and all the perks for me?

Absolutely.

And there's no crown, but...

Well, there are some perks--
Free eye exam...

10% off Dunkin' Donuts.

Boy, I use that every day.

Joy, you have
a wicked backhand.

Totally "ridic."

Thanks.

I guess we both live
for the "competish."

Whoa.

I just got named
Cleve's most eligible bachelor.

[Gasps]
Congratulations.

Hey, didn't Alec win that,
like, five years in a row?

The torch has been passed.

And I cannot wait
to find just the right moment

to rub that torch
in his face.

So, Stu,

since you can't satisfy
your wife,

how about you satisfy me?

- Yes, I'll hold.
- Elka?

Who are you talking to now?

Tarantino's people.

I'm pitching you
for his next movie.

What?
No, no, you're not my agent.

You're my assistant.

I promoted myself.

Elka, Victoria,
this is Alec's friend Bill.

- Oh, hi, Bill.
- Oh.

Bill just got voted

Cleveland's
most eligible bachelor.

Oh, congratulations.

And if I'm not mistaken,

your restaurant just earned
a coveted Michelin star.

You are not mistaken.
We did score a "Mish."

Don't tell Bill,
but his restaurant is overrated.

All he does is slap truffles
on everything.

So, Stu,
stop yanking my chain.

Put Marty on.

Who's Marty?

There's always a Marty.

[Sighs]

Are you sure
you're not disappointed?

Why would you say that?

Because you keep looking at
last year's issue and sighing.

Oh, no.

I had a good run.

Nope, now I'm free
to grow out my soul patch.

Soul patch?

Is that that little beard
that gnomes have?

Yeah, yeah.

All the guys
in my basketball league,

they all patch out
for the season.

See?
I started already.

Oh, yeah. I just thought
you missed a spot shaving.

You're not a fan
of the soul patch?

No, no, I love 'em.

It's like you're
my very own Starbucks barista.

You know, the coffee
at Dunkin' Donuts is better.

Was better.

[Giggles]
You're funny.

[Door opens]

So, uh, Oil of Olay would be
a huge boost

to our national...

[Door closes]
Okay, she's gone.

- Where were we?
- Wait.

Why can't we tell people in the
office that we're dating now

so we can avoid
awkward moments like that?

Well, it actually might create
more awkward moments,

like people thinking
you're getting special treatment

for sleeping with the boss.

You sound like you have
some experience with this.

Well...
To be honest,

I, uh--I have dated
within the office,

and it gets complicated.

Oh.

Not that it matters,
'cause it so doesn't...

[Chuckles awkwardly]

But who was it?

Look, there's no point
in telling you.

It's in the past.

- Let's just let it go.
- Okay, you're right.

It's in the past.
I'll let it go.

Was it Lisa,
the copywriter?

Melanie, don't do this.

You are the only woman
in my life.

That's all that matters.

Oh.

Dianne in Accounting?

[Sighs]

Mm. You're right!

Peanut butter and jelly
is better with truffles.

What's
with all the Cosmos?

Oh, there's an article
about Victoria.

She's conveniently marked it
with a Post-it.

"Victoria Chase's
Fabulous 40s."

Wow,
she looks great for 45.

Mm. She looks really great
for [Bleep].

Oh, my God,
that just slipped out.

Please,
you can't say anything.

No prob.

I know women are
a little "sensi"

on that subject.

Thank you.

Hey, what are you doing
Saturday night?

Actually, it's
our monthly game night.

I could use a good partner.

Melanie's got Alec,
and she's always bragging

about how brilliant he is.

Yeah, Alec's pretty good,
I guess,

as long
as he's not under pressure.

Don't tell anyone,

but Alec choked on Jeps.

"Jeps"?

Jeopardy!
He was a contestant.

Totally froze.

Ended up with the lowest
score in Jeps history--

negative 6,800.

He was--he was so upset,
he burst into tears.

Even Alex trebek
was embarrassed.

Oh, my God,
how humiliating.

You know, Jeopardy! Is
one of Melanie's favorite shows,

even though
she's terrible at it.

Every time
they answer correctly,

she's all,
"how do they know that stuff?"

- So she's not very "intel."
- No, she's very "intel."

She's just more into Wheel.

"Wheel"?

It's Wheel of Fortune.

I-I just shortened it.

Huh.

Never heard it "abbreved"
like that.

Well, you better shove
a phone book down your pants

'cause you're gonna get
your ass kicked, O.B.B.

I love you too, man.

Well, it happened.
Friends are dating friends.

Joy invited Bill
to game night.

Oh,
I think that's great!

Why do you call Bill
O.B.B.?

Oh, it's--
it's nothing.

No, it's just
a nickname thing.

[Meekly]
I don't know.

That is the worst covering up
I have ever seen.

Okay, look,
I shouldn't have mentioned it.

Can we just let it go?

Alec,
I'm your girlfriend!

You're supposed
to tell me stuff.

Okay.
Okay, I will tell you.

But you have to swear
that you will tell no one.

Okay.
I swear, I swear.

So what does O.B.B. Mean?

"One Ball Bill"?

Well, I promised
I wouldn't say anything,

but I really thought
you should know,

just in case you and Bill
end up... you know,

so you won't be
totally surprised.

It doesn't bother me.

Well, I know men
are quite attached to them.

But let's be honest.

Aesthetically speaking,

it's not exactly
a peacock plume.

You know,
in terms of numbers,

I think one is heading
in the right direction.

You know, it's
not like you ever think,

"Ooh, I wish
there were more of those."

Okay, Joy, I told you
a secret about Bill.

But now I need you
to find out something for me.

Alec confessed
that I'm not the only woman

he's dated
at the office.

- And he won't tell me who she is!
- I'm on it.

But Bill can't know
you're asking for me.

Oh, please,
I'm Mata Hari.

Secrets are my business.

In fact, Bill told me
a juicy one

about Alec
being on Jeopardy!

He was?
I love Jeopardy!

How do they know
all that stuff?

Well,
sometimes they do,

and sometimes
they choke.

Don't tell Alec
I told you, but...

One time on Jeps...

The bottom line is,
when Chloe left,

she took half our clients.

So are we gonna let that
stop us?

[Cell phone buzzes]

Nine?

Sorry, I just, um--

when I'm passionate
about something,

I speak German.

Okay, well, on that note,
let's adjourn for today.

Thank you very much.

Keep up the good work.

By the way, Alec,
love the soul patch.

Well, thank you, Kathy.

Hmm.

Boy, that Kathy sure pitched
a few clunkers, huh?

I never dated Kathy.

Oh, in that case, she made
a number of excellent points.

Melanie, don't do this.

Please let it go,
for your sake and for ours.

I'm sorry.

It's not something
I like about myself,

but sometimes I get
a little jealous and insecure.

Well,
you have no reason to be.

You are all I want.

Wow.

That patch sure is growing in,
isn't it?

Mmm. Bill, these appetizers
are delicious.

Hot apps
are my thing.

Can you taste
my secret "ingreed"?

Is it truffles?

"Truff" reduction,
actually.

[Softly]
This whole meal

could use
a little "truff" reduction.

Let me get you
another vodka tonic, Elka.

It's the least
I can do

for the little shark
who got me a part

in the next Tarantino movie.

Oh, Elka, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

You're welcome,
you're welcome, you're welcome.

She didn't get the part.

What?

Oh, I demanded
too much money.

I was drunk with power.

When are you going
to tell her?

As soon as I get drunk
with vodka.

Here's my little star.

How about a toast
to the chef?

Who also happens
to be...

Um, um,
I'm too modest.

Joy, why don't you tell 'em?

Bill just got named--

Cleveland's
most eligible bachelor!

Wait.
Seriously?

Awesome, right?

And they're really stepping it
up this year--

Super Bowl tix.

Super Bowl tickets?

All I ever got was
a discount Dunkin' Donuts card

and a free eye exam.

Yeah, I gave that stuff
to my dad.

But you've got
the real prize....

Me.

Of course I do.

- So let's play.
- We'll go first.

Okay, so the rules.

You pick a title
of something,

and then you draw
a picture.

Like if I drew
a bowl with a cape,

that might be Super Bowl.

I get it.

Okay, round.

Round, round, around--
Around The World In 80 Days.

- Yes!
- Wow.

Yay, Joy!

What? No, you don't "yay"
the other team.

- It's your turn, Elka.
- Oh, oh.

Boy, Joy plays
to win, huh?

Must be nice.

Don't worry.

I've never won this game,
so I'm due.

Sharon... Stone...

Got your part.

Yes!

How could this happen?
You said it was a lock!

You said that you went
all Ari Gold on their ass!

It turned out Entourage
was all made up.

I'm sorry, Victoria.

Well, I got
to go call my agent...

My real agent.

Wait till she finds out
she lost Kimmel.

[Sighs]
Victoria's so upset.

Maybe we should stop playing.

- No!
- No!

Okay, then I'm up.

Okay.

Uh... It's a man.

Man of La Mancha.

Uh, no.
Jester hat?

Shakespeare In Love.

Uh, baseball?

-The Natural.
- Time's up.

What was it?
Was I close?

Kind of.

Bridget Jones's Diary.

- What?
- It's a juggler.

She has to juggle men
and career and parents.

Oh, that's good.

[Mouths]

How am I supposed
to know it's a juggler,

with only one ball?

One ball is useless.

If you only have one ball,
you might as well have no balls.

[Laughs]
Oop. Hmm.

What's so funny?

Oh, my God!

You told Melanie
about O.B.B.?

You told Joy
about O.B.B.?

Only because I didn't want her
to be surprised

if and when
the issue ever came up,

which we're all rooting for!

Bill, I am totally fine
with one--

more than fine.
It's better really.

The less, the merrier.

See, she loves it.

So let's just
keep playing, okay?

Okay.

So, ball--
Bill...

It's your turn.

No prob.
Let's get back to pics.

Uh, it's a man.

With tears.

Oh, oh, I know this!

It's Alec on Jeopardy!

- The Crying Game.
- Yes!

You swore you'd never tell
anybody about Jeopardy!

Like you swore you'd never
tell anyone about O.B.B.!

Again, I'm thrilled
with just the one.

Well,
this is a disaster.

My agent said that there's
no way I can get that part back,

and I can't afford
to lose parts.

As an actress,
I have a limited shelf life.

Take it easy, Vic.

You look "incred"
for [Bleep].

Bill!

Oh, Joy Scroggs,
how could you?

We never say that number!
Not even to each other.

Well, this makes
all the word shortening

and the ugly soul patches

and Melanie's cornball
sex music look like nothing.

What's wrong
with word shortening?

It's more "expedish."

It can be
the tiniest bit annoying.

Well,
that's a little picky.

No wonder you have
bad luck with men.

Alec, I told you that
in confidence!

You told Alec
I have bad luck with men?

Come on, Joy.

Anybody
could have said that.

Melanie, you said
that you loved my soul patch.

And you said
you loved John Mayer.

Your Body Is A Wonderland
is cornball sex music?

Well, the "your"
is not specific.

It sounds like
he's singing it to me.

Somebody's a little bit
into themself.

Somebody who used
to be

Cleveland's
most eligible "bach."

You only won that

because Melanie made me
drop out.

Made you? See?
You are upset about it.

Just admit it!

And admit the truth
about the nine other women

you've slept with
at the office!

- Nine?
- I didn't write "nine"!

I wrote "Nina."
Stupid autocorrect.

It was Nina?

Nina with the parking space
closest to the building?

Well, you don't have
to be on Jeopardy!

To know how she got that.

See,
she's not so stupid.

[Gasps]

You said I was stupid?

No, I said you were
more into Wheel than Jeps.

Melanie, don't let
your jealousy

and your insecurity get
the best of you.

Oh, and who said
I was jealous and insecure?

You did!

Well, you didn't have
to repeat it!

And if I actually were
on Wheel right now,

I would buy a vowel

and put some
impolite consonants around it

and then add
the word "you"!

You can't add words
on Wheel of Fortune!

I just play
to have fun!

[Door slams]

This never happens
on Password.

See, this is what happens
when friends date friends.

- Oh, so now it's my fault!
- Well, it's not my fault.

[Both sigh]

So I guess
this is our first fight.

I guess so.

I hate fighting.

I prefer to keep things
to myself

and let 'em simmer
for 15, 20 years.

I'm a bolter.

There's no problem
I can't run away from.

So why aren't you
running away now?

I'm full of truffle butter
and truffle wine.

And I'm crazy about you.

I'm crazy about you too.

I'm really sorry I made you
give up the bachelor thing.

I guess I'm just worried,
you know,

that--that you still want
to be eligible.

No, no. I-I don't want
to be eligible.

I think I just liked
the bragging rights

of the bachelor thing.

Truth is
I love being with you,

and I want
the world to know.

In fact,
I've been thinking

we should tell everyone
at the office about us.

I'd like that.

Mm.
[Smooches]

And I'm really getting used
to the soul patch.

No, you're not.
I'll shave tomorrow.

Or tonight, your choice.
[Both chuckle]