Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 11 - Fast and Furious - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Oh!
Well, this isn't so bad.

Mhmm...
Has a certain rustic charm.

Honest and unpretentious.

It's a dump.

It looks exactly
like I remember it

when you and I used
to come here on vacation

with our husbands.

It was a dump then too.

Back then, it was called
"Camp Shady Pines."

Well, now it's "Camp Shady
Pines Spa and Ashram."



And I have got to fit
in that dress that Alec gave me.

Why did I say I was
a size zero?

Zero?

Well, after three days
on a juice fast,

we're all
gonna lose weight,

and all for 120 bucks
a night.

In L.A., you can't starve
for under a thousand.

Gwyneth Paltrow says you
forget about food

after the first 48 hours,

so I did a pre-fast
for the last two days.

And hour 49?

I could eat Gwyneth Paltrow
right now.

I don't mind the fasting,

but do we have
to do all the hippie stuff?



I'm just here
to lose a few pounds.

[Laughs] At your age,
who cares?

Right back at ya.

I didn't sleep
at all last night.

I kept hearing bears.

Oh, I'm sorry, I think that
was my stomach growling.

No, it was outside
going through the trash bins.

I thought I might
find a scrap of something.

Welcome, seekers.

I'm Yogi Ananda,

and I am honored
to be your guide.

Now, to begin,
remove your clothing

and gently touch each other.

What?

No, no, no, no.

Aren't you here
for the Romance package?

We're five women.

And we are non-judgmental.

Actually, Yogi,
we're here

for the "Girls Gone Hungry"
package.

And you should know
that the three of us

have had our chakras aligned,
know our spirit animals,

and have been
past-life regressed.

Let me guess.
You're from L.A.

They moved here
to get laid.

In Cleveland,
we do things a little simpler.

Let me begin by saying
that this is a safe

and a sacred place.

Used to be
the ping-pong room.

Even in the best
of friendships,

there are secrets,
resentments,

things we are afraid to say.

- Oh, not us.
- We tell each other everything.

I have something.

I have been taking a class
at school

that I'm finding
really fascinating,

and I want
to make it my career,

but I haven't mentioned it

because I'm afraid
of being mocked.

In this room,
we talk from the heart

and we listen
from the heart.

I'm majoring
in criminology

because I want
to be a private detective.

I saw that look.

That's the look you and I
give each other

when Victoria
says something crazy.

What?

You're gonna solve crimes like
Murder, She Wrote?

No, not like
Murder, She Wrote.

Real cases,
real situations.

It's funny.

Everywhere Murder, She Wrote
went, someone died.

I don't know why anyone
invited her to parties.

Well, Joy,
you have to admit,

it does sound a little
out there.

Yeah, and isn't it a little,
I don't know, seedy?

Oh, thanks
for your nonsupport.

This is wonderful
negativity.

Let the poison out.

Well, I guess if
we're letting things out,

I noticed
when we checked in

that you two put each other down
as your emergency contacts.

Why not me?

Honey, you're just not
that great in an emergency.

What do you mean?

When I was in labor
with Jenna,

and we were driving
to the hospital,

you stopped
and bought a bag at Gucci.

It was 60% off, and you
were only 20% dilated.

We both brought home
bundles of joy.

It's your turn, Melanie.

Is there a secret
or resentment

you wish to release
to the universe?

Gwyneth Paltrow's
a [Bleep] liar.

I meant
with present company.

Oh, no, I have nothing
to resent them for.

They've always been honest
with me,

and I trust them completely.

What?
What was that look?

That's the look they
give each other

when they have a secret
that you can't handle.

There's a secret?
What secret?

It was a long time ago.

I didn't tell you because
I didn't wanna hurt you,

and, now,
it doesn't matter anymore.

- So, tell me then.
- Victoria, remember.

You're here
to deepen your friendship,

and friendship
is based on truth.

- Just tell me.
- Okay.

It's about Anders.
That was her ex-husband.

He hit on me when you two
were still married.

What?

He hit on you
and you never said anything?

What kind of friend
does that?

A friend like Joy.

He hit on her first
and she never said anything.

Way to sell me out,
Victoria.

I can't believe you two
didn't tell me!

God, he hit on both of you

and I didn't even know?

Am I really that blind?

I mean, was he just hitting
on anything that moved?

Sounds like it.

I'm glad you and I
don't have this kind of drama.

Elka bosses me around

and makes me do stuff
I don't wanna do.

You don't believe that.

No, I don't.

[Whispering]
Yes, I do.

I'm too hungry to sleep.

[Sighs] Me too.

I think I'm losing my mind.

An hour ago,
I looked at Victoria's arm

and I thought
how delicious it would be

rolled in bread crumbs
and in marinara.

I'm all about Elka's arm.

She's been marinating in vodka
for 50 years.

[Chuckles]

Have you two
already said your sorries

because I was just coming out
to say mine.

No.
You're right on time.

- I'm sorry, you guys.
Both: Me too.

I want to be
a responsible friend

that you can count on
in emergencies.

I was thinking
about setting the place on fire

so that I could save
you all, but...

You know,
it's just so hard

to get that smoky smell
out of your hair.

We really should've told you
about Anders.

Oh, no, that's okay.

But I can be such an idiot
about men,

which, you know what,
makes me wonder about Alec.

What if I'm an idiot
with him?

What if he
breaks my heart too?

Oh, honey, that's a risk
that we all take when we fall in love.

No, but I don't ever wanna
feel that kind of pain again.

I mean, why aren't I just out
enjoying myself,

dating a lot of men,
living the fantasy,

and protecting my heart?

Well, you know, if you
do decide to stay with Alec,

you could hire Joy
to tail him.

Look, I realize announcing

that I want
to be a private eye

sounds a little sketchy,

but with my natural distrust
of human nature,

I think this is something I
could really sink my teeth into.

[Chuckles] I could sink my
teeth into anything right now,

and I can't even distract myself
with TV.

It's Tuesday night.

I should be watching
Million Dollar Rooms

with Carter Oosterhouse.

He is so dreamy,

and he can instantly estimate
the square footage

of any room he walks into.

My TV crush
is Peter Dinklage.

You heard me.
Peter Dinklage.

I'd like him to scale me
like a mountaineer.

Well, we'll just have
to use nature's TV:

Peeping into
other people's windows.

[Sighs]

Someone got
the romance package.

They're dancing.

At least, I think
they're dancing.

What is he doing
with his hands around her neck?

Oh, my God!
He's strangling her.

- I didn't see anything.
- Neither do I.

Well, I did.
Call the police!

How? We turned in our phones
when we checked in.

I'll do it.

I never leave home
without a burner.

What's happening now?

The police ranger
is at the door.

It's opening.

- Oh, my God!
- Is that the yogi?

Yes.

I can't believe it.

We go on a small,
rustic retreat,

and the person in charge
is a murderer!

And you say you're not
Murder, She Wrote?

Wait.

The ranger and yogi
are coming back out.

They're shaking hands.

The ranger
is letting yogi go.

Mm, stop saying
"the ranger" and "yogi."

It's making me think
about pic-a-nic baskets.

The ranger is coming over,

and he's got some explaining
to do.

I'm nervous.

I used to love cops,

and, now, thanks to you
and our little business,

they make me nervous.

He's not coming for us.

Just stay cool.

I've never been cool.

How can I stay cool?

Good point.
Let's get out of here.

[Knocking door]

Evening, ladies.
I'm Ranger Murphy.

Oh, my God!

Am I losing my mind,

or does that ranger look
exactly like Carter Oosterhouse?

You're losing your mind.

He looks nothing
like Carter Oosterhouse.

Why didn't you arrest
that murderer?

Because he's not a murderer.

Look, we get these calls
all the time.

Women come to the retreat,
starve themselves,

and, a couple days later,
they start seeing things.

He really doesn't look
like Carter Oosterhouse to you?

No! He looks like
every other guy in Cleveland.

[Exhales]
I must be having a stroke.

Wait, shouldn't I
be smelling toast?

Oh, I would really
love some toast right now.

Here you are,

and don't think I'm going
to let this go.

I'm a criminology major.

Oh, boy.

My advice?
Try to relax.

Book yourself a massage.

I hear the guy here
is excellent.

Night, ladies.

You know, you guys have
one of the nicer units here.

This looks to be
about 1,400 square feet.

Come on!
He even talks like him.

Melanie,
you're hallucinating,

just like Joy.

It's the lack of food.

I was not hallucinating.
I know what I saw.

And because both
of your disassociations

with reality could be
considered an emergency,

I fully support whatever
you believe you saw.

And now, I need to go
and lie down.

Those things I found
on the floor

I thought were cheerios
were buttons.

There you are.

It's time for tai chi

and they're
serving chai tea.

I wish it was time
for orange juice

and they were serving vodka.

The other girls
said their sorries,

but we didn't.

Don't worry.

You said I was bossy.
You were wrong.

I forgive you.

You are bossy.

You've always been bossy.

When we used to come here,
you made me do

all kinds of things
I didn't want to do.

Is this the Jackie O
haircut thing again?

It didn't suit me at all.

You know what works for me.

Party in the front,
all business in the back.

But what you've gotten me
into now is the last straw.

We're helping people!

Yes, but it's illegal,

and I'm stopping right now.

I'm giving back
all my fake IDs.

I will miss all the free
birthday meals at Denny's

that come with them.

Mamie, so, if you walk out
that door,

there's no coming back.

[Door closes]

[Door opens]

So, are we ready?

[Gasps]

Oh, my God, it's you!

Or am I imagining again?

No, it's me.

Being a ranger in a small town
doesn't pay much,

so I'm a part-time masseur
to make ends meet.

So you ready
for my magic hands?

Oh.
[Chuckles]

It's just the way you look,
and me lying here naked.

It's kind of a fantasy
of mine.

Wow.

I don't hear that every day...

Or to put it another way,
ever.

Close your eyes
and let me do what I do.

Okay.

How's the pressure?

Oh, great.

I'm sorry
about my stomach growling.

I'm just so hungry.

Well, there is
a little something extra

I've done before

that might help you
relieve that tension.

Something extra?

You know, a lot of women
are a little skeptical at first,

but afterwards,
they're very glad they said yes.

Oh, my God.

Are you talking about what
I think you're talking about?

I could get you a pizza.

[Exhales]

I just kept my face buried
in the massage table headrest

so I wouldn't look
at him anymore.

Oh, God,
he has beautiful feet.

Melanie, you said you posed
a question to the universe.

Should you give your heart
to Alec and risk pain

or live a fantasy life
full of fun and pleasure?

[Chuckles]

And the universe
provided a perfect fantasy.

Clearly, your psyche
is testing you.

Or am I just so hungry,
I'm losing my mind?

Both things can be true.

Duality is
an interesting subject.

For example,
a man can be both a yogi

and the Shady Pines Strangler.

Joy, for the third time,
I didn't strangle anyone.

Just as Melanie
is struggling with love,

you're struggling
with this new career path,

and your psyche
has manufactured a crime

you think you have to solve.

Oh, God.
That makes sense.

You were right about Melanie

and I think you're right
about me too.

I am so sorry.
I forgive you.

And now, I leave you all
to your silent meditation.

What a pile of crap.
He is so guilty.

I have got to get
into his cabin

and find some real evidence.

I know.

Victoria, book a private session
with him tonight

so I can get in there.

So you're turning to me
in an emergency.

Only because Melanie
has lost her mind.

Hey!

Yeah, that's fair.

[Gasps]

[Blow-up doll inflates]
Shh, shh, shh!

Joy!
I told you to keep your nose

out of my business!

That's what she said.

What is wrong with you?

Look, I know what I saw.

I saw you strangling a woman
with long, curly hair

and a horrified expression.

Oh, dear.

I wasn't strangling her.

I was deflating her.

You're a yogi.

It never occurred to me

that you'd be manhandling
a sex doll.

Joy, you gotta get out
of here.

Uh-oh.

You were supposed
to keep him busy.

Well, I'm sorry.

I was on my way
to meet him,

but then some fan spotted me
at the fountain of selflessness.

What's with the blow-up doll?

Oh, turns out
he's not a murderer.

He's just a perv.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm calling the police.

You're so interested
in the criminal justice system?

You're about to get
an insider's view.

Oh, let's not be hasty.

Listen.

You know you're too good for
this rinky-dink place, right?

Well, I've often thought
of taking my astral talents

to South Beach.

And how about L.A.?

I happen to know
a certain one-named celebrity,

rhymes with "Cher."

Wait, I screwed that up.

Anyway, she's looking
for a new personal guru.

She can hook you up
with other crazy actresses

and you can have your own
celebrity ashram in Malibu...

[Snaps fingers]
Like that.

What do you say, baby?

You like the beach.

[Knock at door]

Hungry?

Elka?

I knew you'd come
to the lake eventually.

I guess I am
kind of predictable.

You're also sweet
and good and my best friend.

You're my best friend too.

You want out
of our business?

You're out.

Thank you.

I want back in.

What?

On my way here,
I saw the tree I crashed into

when you made me learn
how to drive,

and I passed by
that old burnt forest

where you taught me
how to smoke.

I still have trouble
with cigars.

You gotta keep the stub wet.

And I realized that, yes,

you pushed me,

but maybe I'm one
of those people

who needs a good push.

[Chuckles]

Look at us,

here at the lake again.

Feels like old times.

Speaking of old times...

Why don't we toast them?

I am so sorry about that.

I guess I just got a little weak
in the knees.

Melanie, I've been thinking
about you all day.

I've been thinking
about you too.

[Sighs]
And you're here,

so I guess the universe
is telling me

that you're what I want.

I mean, I think.

How about we stop thinking,

and I just do this?

No!

No, I don't want this.

I don't want this fantasy.

Alec is my fantasy,

and he's the only one
I want right now.

[Gasps]

Alec!

But it can't be.
Oh, who cares?

Wow!

Who the hell are you?

I'm Ranger Murphy,

or Carter, or Alec.

Who do you want me to be?

I don't want you
to be anyone.

I mean, I'm sure you're fine
just who you are,

but I do wanna thank you

for helping me see that I never
really wanted you at all.

God, I hate this place.

Oh, my God.
You're eating pizza.

I passed the universe's test
and I'm celebrating.

Yeah, I don't deserve
a slice.

Joy was counting on me
and I screwed up again.

Are you kidding?

I'd be in jail
if it weren't for you.

Victoria, you are a terrible
emergency contact,

but once the emergency
has happened,

no one can charm, bribe,
and diva their way

out of the situation
like you can.

She's right.

I agree with both of you.

Now hand me a slice.

Elka, what did you do
to deserve your slice?

I'm 91 and a little buzzed.

Me too.

How about we go
pick up some Cubans?

The trick is
to keep the stubs wet.