Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 12 - What Now, My Love? - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

I hope he's not
going to play golf today.

I hope she won't get mad
if I play golf today.

I hate golf.

What's the deal
with it anyway?

I could skip it,
but, God, I love golf.

And I look good when I golf.

I mean, I'm assuming.

No, I do.
I do.

But if he plays golf,
I won't see him all day.

Stupid golf.



Hey, you want
to play golf with me today?

I'd love to!

It's funny.

The last thing I wanted to do
was to come to Cleveland.

And now the last thing
I want to do is leave.

So... what now, my love?

Well, my evening's free.

How about we try living
happily ever after?

Oh.

Wow, Victoria...

Who knew you could act?

Soon the whole world
will know.

Well, you know, actually,

I have been acting
for some time.



Of course, darling.

But this is
your first Oscar-worthy scene

in a major motion picture.

Emmet, would you mind
taking a picture

with Flat Stanley?

Would you move aside,
flat Victoria?

Elka's boyfriend Pierre

has a grandson who needs
pictures of Stanley

in different places
for his school.

Now, I must get going.

I have a last-day ritual

where I learn the names
of everyone on the crew,

so they think I knew them
all the time.

I'll walk you out.

He is so charming.

And handsome.

And he makes Victoria
so happy.

I am miserable.

What? What's the matter?

Well, the movie's
over tomorrow,

and I just don't know
what's going to happen

between Emmet and me.

Why haven't you two
talked about it?

Because every answer
to the question "what's next?"

is messy.

And we don't know
where his next project is.

We don't know where mine is.

And I don't want
to make demands

like some whiny female.

Well,
you can't go anywhere.

You live with us.

Exactly, Melanie.
Nobody wants to sound like that.

I just wish
that we could keep on

shooting this movie forever.

I really don't know
how I'm going

to get through this last scene

without falling apart.

You need moral support?

I'll cancel my interview
for the internship

and come with you to the set.

Oh, no, joy.

You really want that internship.

Well, then I'll cancel
my plans with Alec.

Oh, honey, I couldn't
ask you to do that.

Well, someone
should go with you.

I'll do it.

Wow!

You are
really good at this.

That went, like, a mile.

You should do this
professionally.

What, you think?

Nah.

Well, maybe.

You know, I have never golfed
with a girlfriend before,

and... I didn't know what
to expect.

But, I got to tell you,

I'm liking it a lot.

Yeah? So am I.

And you look really hot
in your golf clothes.

I mean, like,
distractingly hot.

And you look really,
really good playing golf.

Oh, I don't know.

Golf's, like,
my favorite thing to do.

Well, that and sex.

Have you ever combined them?

No.

How would you?

Where would you?

Seriously, where would you?

Hello, Funny Face.

You.

You're here.

I couldn't get on that plane.

It's crazy.

The last thing I wanted to do
was to come to Cleveland.

Now the last thing I want to do
is to leave.

So... what now, my love?

Well, my evening is free.

Why don't we try living
happily ever after?

Guess who just took a shower
with Ryan Gosling?

Wet Flat Stanley.

And Ryan said that was okay?

Well, he didn't say no.

Loudly enough.

We were just running
the last scene.

Oh, I like
that you two get together

in the end.

Do you think it's gonna last?

Oh, definitely.

I mean, they're so well-suited.

Even though his work
takes him all over the world,

I'm sure they'll find a way
to work it out.

Don't you think so, Emmet?

- I give it three months.
- What?

Darling, he's
a world-renowned conductor

who came to Cleveland

and rekindled a romance
with his ex-wife.

As soon as the glow wears off,

he'll realize it was
just one of those things.

- Just one of those things?
- Exactly.

We've all been there,
haven't we? Hmm?

Now you'll have to excuse me.

I have a fitting
with head costumer Lori.

Hey, there, key grip Sean.

Well, I guess
it's pretty clear

what Emmet was trying
to tell me, huh?

You just replace
world-renowned conductor

with world-renowned actor.

Either way,

there's a woman left behind
in Cleveland.

But you're not his ex-wife.

And now I never will be.

Seriously, you are, like,
the best girlfriend ever.

I owe you, like, 40 hours
in an outlet mall.

Do you mind if we go back
to the clubhouse?

I just want
to freshen up a little bit.

Yeah, sure. There's a comb
in my bag, if you want.

Oh, thanks.

Is this my toothbrush?

Yeah, you left it
at my place this morning.

So you brought it to me?

Figured you might want it.

Am I a great boyfriend
or what?

I tell you,

if Bruce Springsteen
is waiting for us

at the next tee
with a plate of ribs,

this'll be the best day
of my life.

So, you want to intern
with a private detective

for college credit.

Yes, I'm majoring
in criminology.

And I thought
this suits me more

than interning
with the police.

Who said no to me
anyway.

So what does your husband
think about all this?

I'm not married.

Yeah, I noticed
you weren't wearing a ring.

I'm a private Detective.

That's the sort
of thing I notice.

Hey, would you look at that!
I'm also not wearing a ring.

Anyway...

Being a private detective,
it's not all that glamorous.

Mostly you're
on surveillance for hours,

sitting in a cold car,
trying to get evidence

that some guy's
being unfaithful.

I've been doing that
since I was 12.

Well, we'll be working
together a lot.

So rule number one...

You can't fall in love
with me.

That won't be a problem.

Good.

'Cause we'll be working a lot
of late nights.

Maybe we'll share something.

Maybe a tube of Pringles.

Our hands
may accidentally touch.

Still not a problem.

Good to know,
good to know.

But I ought to warn you,

I'm thinking
about working out,

maybe eating better.

You know, maybe getting down
to a 36 waist.

Would you find that...
provocative?

Not particularly.

Excellent, excellent.

You know what?

I'm gonna start you out
with a test case.

This one happens
to involve my dad.

He's been giving money
to some woman,

and I don't know why.

I was tailing her,

but she lost me.

But I did manage
to get this picture.

So if you want to work here,

you find out who this woman is

and where she lives.

That's Elka Ostrovsky.

And she lives
at 68 Cedarcliff Road.

Wow, you're good.

I know Elka's been
up to something for months--

large wads of cash,

mysterious trips
with her friends--

but she won't admit
to anything.

We need to set up
hidden surveillance cameras

outside her place
to find out what's going on.

What? Well, I'm not sure
about that.

I need to talk
to my friends about this.

No, you can't.

I mean,
once you're on a case,

you can't discuss
it with anyone.

It's unprofessional.

And it's my second rule.

Next to not falling
in love with me.

- Which I won't.
- Because you mustn't.

- So, I shan't.
- Because you can't.

- But I don't.
- Because you daren't.

What?

Joy, this is exactly
the sort of heated banter

that's gonna make it hard for us
not to break all the rules.

Pringle?

Okay, places for rehearsal.

So, what's next for you

after we wrap this picture,
Sir Emmet?

Well, I'm fielding
a few offers.

I had my fun here,
but I'm ready to move on.

New places, new faces.

We're ready
for your entrance, Victoria!

And... Action.

Hello, Funny Face.

Oh, you.

You're here.

I couldn't get on that plane.

It's funny.

The last thing I wanted to do
was to come to Cleveland.

Now the last thing
I want to do is leave.

Oh, go ahead and leave.

Who wants you?

Darling, I don't think
that's the right line.

And it's coming off
a little hostile.

Well, hostile is better
than phony.

At least I didn't wait
until the last day

to learn the names of the crew.

Even you, Larry.

- It's Gary.
- Close enough.

It was embarrassing
and unprofessional,

but I just couldn't
get through that scene.

Well, how did you leave it
with Emmet?

He came by my trailer,
and I pretended I wasn't there.

That's really mature.

Yeah, the great thing
about love

is it makes you feel
like a teenager.

Bad thing about love
is it makes you act like one.

I mean, I have a thing...

Which I hope isn't a thing,

but it might be a thing.

Oh, Melanie,
you worry too much.

It's probably not a thing.

I left my toothbrush
at Alec's,

- and he returned it.
- Oh.

That's a thing.

He's afraid
you're a space invader.

All I did
was leave a toothbrush.

You know how men think.

First it's a toothbrush,

then your lipstick,

then it spreads out
of the bathroom,

and you need a drawer.

Then one day,

you blurt out,
"Can there be one weekend

where we're
not watching football?"

And bam!

He's antiquing
with his balls in your purse.

I left my girdle
at Pierre's once.

Did he give it back?

He claims he never found it.

But, somehow,

he squeezed himself
into those new leather pants.

Well, putting
that image aside,

leave your toothbrush
at Alec's again

and see what happens.

Joy, you are brilliant
and deceitful.

You're gonna make a good P.I.

Oh, I'm just an intern.

It's not like I'm hot
on somebody's trail.

Changing subjects--

Elka, what have you
been up to lately?

Stuff.

Well, surely you can say
more than that.

Stuff it.

Oh, God,
he knows what I'm doing.

He knows I'm gonna leave
this toothbrush.

How could he not know?

He's not an idiot.

Front, front, front.

Back, back, back.

Okay, toothbrush.

Your mission
is to hold your ground.

Just know that
you won't be doing it alone.

Hey,
look where we are.

It's our sex hole.

There's got to be
a better name for it than that.

No, I like that one.

Hey, do you have a tee?

Look at you,
with the golf terms.

Last time we played,

you called it
"a little wooden nail thingy."

Yeah, there's a whole bunch
in my bag.

What's this?

That is a present.

I was gonna give it
to you later.

A toiletry kit.

With my toothbrush.

And my lipstick.

And there's room for toothpaste,
deodorant, a razor.

I figured you could keep that
in your car,

nights you stay with me.

Maybe we should get
another one...

Put it under
that pine tree back there, huh?

We need to talk
about our relationship.

Do we have to?

- You think I'm a space invader.
- A what?

I leave a toothbrush
in your bathroom,

and it bugs you so much
that you return it to me.

Twice.

It makes me question where
this relationship is headed.

Why does it
have to go anywhere?

I like it where it is.

And there's nothing wrong
with that.

Good. You're up.

Okay, but see, the thing is

sometimes there's
not nothing wrong with that.

Why are you getting
so wound up over a toothbrush?

It's not about a toothbrush.

It's about
what the toothbrush symbolizes.

You know, I guess there are
just two kinds of people.

The ones who like a relationship
to be moving forward,

and the ones who...

Like it to stay in one place.

Melanie, if you're asking
if I want our relationship

to move forward right now,

I got to be honest--

I'm not ready for that.

Oh, okay.

Then, um...

Maybe we should take a break
for a while.

Is that what you want?

I think it is.

I'd offer you
a tissue right now,

but it's in the travel case
I got you, so...

That's what I figured.

Oh, honey,
it's all gonna be okay.

No. What if I made the biggest
mistake of my life?

I shouldn't have pushed him.

Isn't going slow
better than not going at all?

Oh, I'm sorry, Melanie.

It's horrible
what you're going through.

But I'm going to learn from
your awful, awful mistake.

When I see Emmet
on the set tomorrow,

I am not going to bring up
our relationship at all.

I'm just going to do the scene
and come home

with my dignity
and a bottle of vodka

and watch them both
slip away.

You are clear on the concept
of private investigation?

I know,
but I have to be honest.

The three of us
are a package deal.

But if you break this rule,
what's to stop you

from breaking the rule
about falling in love with me?

I'll stop at just this rule.

Any sign of Elka
on surveillance yet?

No. The subject
is still laying low.

I feel weird about this.

I mean, Elka has never done
anything really wrong.

Melanie, a year ago
she was arrested

for housing stolen jewels
for the mob.

Yeah, well,
there was that.

And if we had known about
that ahead of time,

we could have kept her
out of trouble.

Which is what
we're trying to do now.

For college credit.

At least this has kept
my mind off Alec.

No, it hasn't.

I wonder what
he's thinking right now.

Hey, you're a man, right?

Well, I'm glad
someone noticed.

My take--you spooked him.

I'd be surprised if you ever
heard from him again.

Oh! It's Alec.

I'm surprised.

Hello, Funny Face.

You.
You're here.

The text you got from Gary
to meet him on the set

actually came from me.

So the text
was just a pretext.

Sit with me.

What happened today?

Well, you said it wasn't
gonna work out

with Harry and Sylvia,

and clearly you're Harry
and I'm Sylvia.

Well, it's true, I don't think
it's gonna work out

for Harry and Sylvia.

But they're
Woody Allen characters.

They're neurotic, self-centered,
vain, dramatic.

When are you gonna get
to the part

where they're not like us?

Victoria, of course you and I
are gonna work out.

I love you.

Oh, and I love you.
But what's next?

We've never discussed it.

Well, I assumed we would
when the movie wrapped.

But something's come up,
so let's discuss it now.

I've been offered the villain

in the new James Bond movie.

Three months shooting
in Morocco.

Come with me.

Something's happening.

You feel it too?

On the screen.

That's Elka.

And that's my dad.

Okay. Something's up.

But just give me
a couple of days to investigate

before you do anything.

Okay
oh, God, look at this!

Looks a little like
a zombie movie.

Yeah.

Night Of The Assisted
Living Dead.

You're funny.

Which changes nothing.

So what's with
all the secrecy?

Your text said
you wanted to talk.

Well, I thought if I texted

I wanted to show you
something in my bathroom,

I might creep you out.

Okay. Open.

Oh, Alec.

This is so sweet.

Well, good.
That's what I was going for.

And no travel kit.
This all stays right here.

Where did you get
all this?

Well, I just went
to the store

and I said,
"load me up on lady stuff."

"Olay Facial/Hair Removal
Duo."

Mm. You trying
to tell me something?

I told the woman at the store
you were Italian.

I guess she made assumptions.
I'll throw that away.

No, no, I'll throw it away.
Later.

So what changed
your mind?

Well, after the golf course,
I came home

and every room in this house
reminded me of you.

And I thought to myself,

why am I trying
to keep her stuff out of here?

She's already here and...

I like it.

A key?

I decided that...

I'm the kind of person
that wants to move forward.

Move in with me?

Congratulations, you guys.

I can't believe
I'm moving in with Alec.

And I'm going to Morocco
with Emmet.

All I know is you're leaving
me here, alone with Elka.

I'm gonna miss you guys.

But this is all good,
right?

I mean, we came to Cleveland
to reinvent ourselves,

and we did.

Imagine we hadn't crashed here

and our flight had taken us
straight to Paris.

We would have eaten
a lot of fatty French food,

bought a lot of discount
Chanel,

and then flown back
to our empty lives in L.A.

Discount Chanel.

I'll grab another bottle.

Elka,
what are you doing?

Nothing.

What's in there?

Nothing!

I know
you're up to something.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, so that's
what you've been selling.

And you've been hiding them
all along

is this old-fashioned
microwave thing.

It's an oven.

The one place
you knew we'd never look.

Okay, you got me.

Now what are you gonna do?