Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 13 - It's Alive - full transcript

You won't believe what's been
heating up on "Hot in Cleveland"...

Wow.

I'm moving in with my boyfriend Alec.

Victoria's in love with
a famous movie star.

Joy got an internship with
Bob, a private detective.

And all season long, Elka's
been hiding a big secret.

Oh my God.

So that's what you've been selling.

Ok. You got me.

Now what are you gonna do?

Tonight, "Hot in
Cleveland" is performed live



in front of a studio audience,

so I better watch my [Bleep] language.

We are just stunned, Elka.

I am in shock.

How could you have all these pills

and not have shared?

She's not taking them.

She's selling them to
seniors at a discount.

But prices are insane.

Also illegal.

She and Mamie Sue have
been smuggling meds in

from Canada for their
friends who can't afford them.

Wait, you mean these are
all just old people meds?

You don't have any Botox or wrinkle creams?



Those are old people meds too, dear.

Elka, I know you want
to help your friends, but

this is dangerous. You could go to jail.

Who cares about that?

We could all go to jail.

We are accessories.

If only my Oscar-winning boyfriend
Sir Emmett Lawson were here.

What would he do?

Nothing. She just likes saying it.

I do.

I really do.

Just sell everything you've got now,

and then you're done.

Everything?

That might take a while.

But just, how much medicine
are you two sitting on?

We're not sure.

Mamie Sue is in the storm
cellar taking inventory.

Inventory?

Good news Mrs. Gould,

I can bring your heart pills

when we go swimming tomorrow.

Is there anything else you need?

Now, come on Mrs. Gould.

No judgment here.

Nothing I haven't heard.

I haven't heard that.

Oh, I just remembered.

I can't swim you with anymore.

But I will look for an ointment.

- Oh, my God.
- Unbelievable.

Mamie Sue, what is going on here?

This isn't what it looks like,

unless it looks like an illegal
pharmacy in your storm cellar.

In which case,

it's exactly what it looks like.

I can't believe this is going on.

I mean, I'm supposed to
move in with Alec today.

Oh no, what if this is a
sign that I shouldn't move in.

Maybe it's too soon.

I'm still doing that dating trick

where you sneak out of bed and
put makeup on before he wakes up

so he thinks that's what you
actually look like in the morning.

How long can I keep that up?

You'll have plenty of time
to think about that in jail.

Where you might not be so
interested in looking good

for the person who wake up with.

Elka get in here, now.

Mamie...

I'm shocked.

What is all this?

Wow.

This is like the inside
of my purse in the '70s.

Just... where did you get all this stuff?

Our Canadian supplier
offered us her entire stock

because she had to flee the country.

It was either tax evasion

or being impolite,

one of those things they
throw you out of Canada for.

Well, this place makes me very nervous.

I mean, what if the cops come and bust us?

We will hide this stuff in our cleavage.

Oh, sorry, Joanne.

Oh my God. That's the cops!
That's the cops knock and I cannot

move in with Alec with a rap sheet.

Oh, she is such a coward.

As am I.

Mamie? It's me, Tommy.

I'm here to pick up my grandfather's pills.

Relax, everyone.

It's that sweet boy who
won the state spelling bee.

Come in, Tommy.

Morning, ladies.

Wow.

Look at all this.

Very impressive.

Thank you.

Of course,

an illegal setup like this

could get you into a lot of trouble.

Listen to this man.

He knows what he's talking about.

Indeed I do.

Let me tell you a little story.

Once upon a time,

I controlled the black market

pill business in Cleveland.

But then it suddenly dried up.

Someone started selling at cost.

That might be us.

When I lose business, I get angry.

When I get angry I burn things.

When I burn things, I get happy.

I got a proposition for you.

How about I take all
this stuff off your hands?

What if we say no?

Well, that would initiate the whole

angry-burning-happy
cycle.

Tommy, you're threatening us with arson,

but you're a spelling bee champion.

And I've been chasing that rush ever since.

This is unconscienable.

Unconscienable?

That's the word that
knocked me out of Nationals.

Is it?

I was humiliated in
front of dozens of people

watching at ESPN 3.

Look.

I'll be back tonight

with my associates

to get all this stuff,
and if you don't like it,

let me remind you.

There's a lot of old, dried things
in here that could go up fast.

Are you just going to take that, Joy?

What are we gonna do?

God, I say we just give Tommy the stuff.

It's better to be robbed

than to have our house go up in flames.

- We can't.
- She's right.

He's gonna jack up the
prices for our friends,

and we invested all our
savings in this place.

I don't want to...

I'm ok. Let's not panic yet.

Let me remind you,

I am a criminology
major at Cleveland State.

Can we panic now?

Thank you, ladies.

There you go, Silky,

your last bargain for
prescriptions before Tommy

hikes up the prices.

Oh, I better run.

I'm going swimming with Mrs. Gould.

You might want to take these,

and these.

Did you get in touch with Bob yet?

Who is Bob?

The detective I work for.

He's out of town,

so he's sending over his brother, Claude,

who is also a detective.

I've met him.

He may not look that smart

or be that smart,

and he may smell like wet potatoes,

but if my criminology instinct's right,

he's standing right behind me.

Hi, Joy.

You get more beautiful
every time I see you.

Yeah, but you've only seen me the one time.

That you know of.

But I should not be flirting.

- You're Bob's girl.
- I'm not Bob's girl.

That's not what he says in his sleep.

You share a room with your brother?

Twin beds, nothing weird.

I don't know about you guys,

but it looks to me like
we're in good hands, uh?

So, I've done some research

I've done some research on this Tommy,

and he is a bad guy.

So I think what we need to find

is a bigger bad guy to scare him off.

I guess that could work.

Do you know one?

Who's the most frightening
person you can think of?

No contest,

Salvatore Ferullo, aka
Sally from Cincinnati.

He's Ohio's biggest crime boss.

Yet no one has ever seen his face.

Well, if no one knows
what this Sally looks like,

then how about we just get someone

to pretend that he's Sally.

Yeah, but how do we
explain how we know him?

Simple.

We'll take the plot from
my lifetime original movie,

I'm in love with my brother's killer.

The tag line was,

keep your friends close
and your enemies in bed.

It was my first side nude scene.

I knew I recognized you from somewhere.

How about we just say Sally's my son?

Good idea.

But we still need to find

some big goon to play Sally.

What?

Is there a big goon standing behind me?

- Nervous?
- No.

Unless you find nervousness sexy.

Some women do,

or at least they claim they do,

and then they never call you back.

I didn't know what Sally would wear,

so I brought you some choices.

A fedora?

I'm too nervous to rock a fedora.

Ok, ok, no hat.

We don't want to hide your sexy side hair.

You're going to be great!

I'll go get some more tea.

So, you're an actress.

How do you keep from throwing up?

Why would I keep from throwing up?

Oh, oh.

You're nervous.

Well, uh, I think

that we might be able to
find something in this room

that will relax you.

Are you coming on to me?

Claude's a mess, but I took care of it,

the old alcohol in the teacup trick.

Heard of it?

Claude's a mess, but I took care of it.

I just gave him some pills.

You gave our goon pills?

What were you thinking?

I gave him alcohol.

Well, how was I supposed
to know the goon was loaded?

What have I told you

about keeping a loaded goon in the house?

That's Tommy. He's here.

Ok, I'll go and sober up Claude.

I'll get the door.

And I'll chuck some more tea.

Hello, Tommy.

You're either very brave or very stupid.

Saly from Cincinnati is going
to be here here any minute.

Yeah, I didn't buy that on the phone,

and I'm not buying it now.

If Sally were really your kid,

why didn't you tell me in the storm cellar?

Maybe I'm not the brain type.

What if I said I didn't believe you?

What if I said unconscienable?

Claude? Claude, where... oh!

Oh, my God.

Claude? Claude, are you dead?

Are you coming on to me again?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Go see what's taking
Victoria and Claude so long.

Look, I got two 'roidded up

former mathletes over to
clear out your pharmacy.

They will be here any minute,

unlike your mythical Sally.

Uh... wait.

My phone's vibrating.

Hello.

It's your son Sally from Cincinnati.

You say you'll be here in just ten minutes?

Well, hurry, all right?

Hello, mother.

It's your son Sally from Cincinnati.

Thanks for hurrying.

You expect me to believe

this skinny bitch is Sally from Cincinnati?

First, thanks for the skinny.

But trust me,

I just let people think I'm a man

'cause that way they don't see me coming

but I see them going.

Now, you have three seconds
to get your ass out of here.

- One, two...
- Hey, ma, sorry I'm late.

- No!
- Who the hell are you?

Sally from Cincinnati.

No, go away.

Scared of me? Huh? Well, you ought to be.

You're surprised I'm a woman, right?

***

As I just made clear,

I am Sally from Cincinnati.

Out of my way.

I'm Sally, from Cincinnati.

Oh, my God.

So you had better be gone.

By the time I wake up.

So, how many more buffoons

are gonna come in here saying
they're Sally from Cincinnati?

Someone say my name.

Look... look, look, look...

I don't know who you are, pal.

I told you I was, but you wouldn't listen.

Once knew a man named Phil,

he also refused to listen.

I carry a small souvenir

of that encounter.

Is that a human ear?

Phil has only one now,

but strangely, his hearing has improved.

Do we agree on who I am,

or do I need to show you another...

momento?

I must warn you, that
this one comes from a man

who slept with my sister.

Unlucky bastard.

Judging from the size of the box,

he wasn't that lucky.

I'm a very private man,

so it takes a lot for me to reveal myself,

and when I hear...

that some pill-pushing dame is

claiming to be my mother,

I get angry, and when I get angry,

I burn things.

I do that.

Oh, I'm a big fan of your work.

- I meant no disrespect.
- Wonderful.

Let's be Facebook friends?

- Really?
- No. I'm a mobster. Don't be ridiculous.

You can follow me on Twitter.

Oh cool.

Hashtag battery acid. Hashtag woodshipper,

hashtag go bangles.

Now, get out of here.

Yes, sir. Oh...

and if my associates, Ira Goldfarb and

Sam *** show up with a U-Haul,

just tell them that
Gandolf is not in the tower.

Don't know what that means.

All right.

You three don't look like

you come from Cleveland.

Actually, we are from Los Angeles.

Right, and we moved here

because we were feeling invisible,

that men had stopped looking at us.

Oh, the men in L.A. don't
look at women in their 30s?

Oh, that's nice!

That is so very sweet.

See, that's why we moved here.

- Oh, it is a good reminder.
- Yeah.

It puts everything in perspective.

Kill him, first.

***

Sally from Cincinnati
shows mercy to no one.

Elka, did I leave my glasses here?

- Salvatore.
- Mama?

What are you doing here?

Nothing.

Nothing? No. You know what?

He scared us.

My sweet Salvatore?

Your sweet Salvatore

is the biggest mobster in Ohio.

- You didn't know that?
- No, she didn't. Thank you very much.

You're a criminal, Sally?

You said you work for NPR.

Well, I do, ma.

It's just that you don't think that

public radio could pay
for those experimentals

skin treatments, do you?

Look at her!

108 years old!

Look at this woman.

You are absolutely stunning.

Oh my God, Salvatore,
did you kill this man?

No, ma, I didn't kill him.
I never saw him before this.

Right, like you never saw those
magazines in the tool shed.

Whoa.

I'm so ashamed that my son

- came here to hurt you.
- I didn't hurt anyone.

Back me up, here.

- He's here to help us.
- I like that.

By buying our medicine

at a good price,

so he can give it away to all
the poor seniors in Cleveland.

All right, you got a deal.

Let's go and leave these nice people alone.

Yeah.

Can we stop for ice cream?

We'll see.

That means no.

Oh my God.

That was a series of fortunate
coincidences that finished

out of the bat

right on time, give or take.

I don't know about you,

but my hands are empty.

I feel like I need a martini.

Oh boy, you know, sometimes...
I was a little nervous tonight.

I almost forgot what I had to say.

I think you did great,

and I think you can take a bow.

I think we could all take a bow.

Someone said said take a bow?