Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 14 - Canoga Falls - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

What a tremendous honor.

Well, of course I'll be there.

I have a major announcement.

My sister Bess just told me Canoga Falls

is naming the town square after me.

- Wow, that's great.
- Congratulations.

Did Canoga Falls
lose a bet or something?

No.

It is my hometown in upstate New York.



An idyllic little Hamlet

where the kids play in the street

and the grocer calls
all the customers by name.

Can I come to the ceremony?

Please.

Otherwise, I won't know a soul there.

I wanna come too. Alec's out of town.

And I've already snooped
through all his stuff...

gone through the browsing
history on all his computers.

Found his porn stash. Nothing freaky.

No, just the normal stuff.

Little heavy on the threesomes
for my taste.

But I deleted it all,
so my weekend's free.

We also would've accepted,
"Alec's out of town."



When was the last time
you visited your mother?

Oh, I try to visit every year.

I've failed for the last 12.

Are you coming, Elka?

Go to New York to see a show?

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Nobody said anything about a show.

Victoria's family? It's gotta be a show.

Well, you're not entirely wrong,

and my mother was a bit
of a local celebrity.

She had a television show
called Miss Penny's Puppets.

Oh, that sounds fun.

My mom treated those puppets
like they were real.

Glamourpuss The Bird and Budge The Bee

delivered all the difficult news
in our family.

They told me when my mom and dad
were getting divorced.

They taught me about sex.

Wait, so you literally learned
about the birds and the bees

from a bird and a bee?

And your sister still lives there?

Yeah, Bess never left Canoga Falls.

She never married. She never did much.

No, she mostly hangs out with my mom.

Mm. There's a sad picture.

An unmarried, middle-aged woman

hanging out with an older woman all day.

Go on.

Well, this is gonna be wonderful

for my mom to see me being honored.

You know, because we were both
in show business,

I've always been her favorite.

How'd your sister feel about that?

Huh, well, I never
really thought about it.

But I'm sure it was exciting for her.

This is gonna be a good show.

Hot in Cleveland 4x14 - Canoga Falls
Original air date June 26, 2013

You know, there's something
different about you, Bess.

I guess that you must be
very excited about them

dedicating our beautiful,
beloved town square to me.

Yeah, about that.

Uh, I made the whole thing up.

What?

I brought you here 'cause of mom.

She's getting a little wacky lately.

What do you mean"getting wacky?"

Our family portrait
had sock puppets in it.

It's not just the puppets anymore.

She's starting to forget stuff.

She won't throw anything out.

I need your help.

Bess, you're so much better
at handling mom than I am.

Oh, no, no, I'm not falling
for that anymore.

She used to get out
of cleaning the kitchen

by saying, "you are the most
amazing dishwasher."

She does the same thing to me.

Oh...

And you are both incredible dishwashers.

Well, I am tired of being
the responsible one.

- It's your turn.
- This is outrageous.

How could you trick me
into doing something like this?

Would you have come if I had said,

"it's your turn to take care of mom?"

Of course...

Is what I'd like to say.

There's your answer.

I like this one.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

I won't have to watch
Hoarders this week.

Look at all these old magazines.

"Preparing for Y2K:"

"What you need to do right now."

"Mel Gibson: Does he ever make
a wrong move?"

Hey, ma!

Victoria is here.

Hi, y'all!

I'm not mom.

I am Glamourpuss.

Why don't y'all wait right there

while I go fetch Miss Penny.

Oh, Miss Penny!

Oh, Miss Penny!

I'm right here.

Hi, mom.

Victoria?

Oh, Victoria.

Oh, what a wonderful surprise.

Oh, let me look at you.

You look absolutely wonderful.

Oh, maybe she ought to give
her sister some beauty tips.

So is this your entourage?

Yes, yes. That's Joy, Elka, and Melanie.

- Hello.
- Oh, my God, that hand.

It's gigantic.

I wouldn't want that sucker
inside of me.

Hide your hand.
You're scaring the puppet.

I have a puppet in my bedroom

you just have to try on.

I don't know what you're worried about.

I mean, yeah, the place
is a little cluttered,

but mom is fine.

Victoria!

When did you get here?

It's a wonderful surprise.

Oh, and this your entourage?

Well, the good news is

she'll probably forget about your hands.

Wow, Victoria, your room is

like a time capsule from 30 years ago.

Yes.

Like me, it has not aged.

This trip certainly wasn't
what you expected.

What are you gonna do?

Well, I suppose I could call the mayor

and see about renaming the town square.

I meant about your mother.

Your sister is obviously concerned.

Bess worries too much.

I mean, sure, maybe my mother's
getting a little forgetful

and starting
to collect things, but big deal.

A couple of trips to the goodwill

and the dump,
and everything will be fine.

And, Melanie, you are
an awesome organizer.

I am, aren't I?

- I'll help.
- Great.

- Elka?
- Sure.

I'm 91. I'll move the piano.

No. You speak old.

Now, I need you to try
to convince my mother

that she doesn't need all that stuff.

Said one of the woman
with a guest room full of shoes.

All right, for your information,

that room is called a "shoe-seum."

And her mother's the crazy one.

Oh! Mystery date game!

Bitchin'!

I haven't played this in forever,

probably about the last time
I said "bitchin'."

Look at all these old clothes.

Macrame vests, go-go boots,

tube tops.

Oh. Tube tops.

Yeah, I had a back brace
and "backne" in high school.

So, you know...

You couldn't wear tube tops?

No, not couldn't. Shouldn't have.

First yearbook photo to be rejected.

"Too disturbing."

You can't throw out all my treasures.

All right, we can't afford
to be sentimental.

If you wanna get rid of stuff,

you have to get brutal,

including this thing.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

Those are your father's ashes.

Dad died?

No, those are his cigar ashes.

When he left,
I emptied all his ashtrays,

and the smell reminds me of him.

Now, this is exactly
what I was talking about.

Oh, daddy.

Oh, you're right.

It's like he's right here
complaining about the Canadians.

"We're guarding the wrong border!"

Well, this hideous thing could go.

This looks like something
that you'd regift

to someone you don't like.

You gave it to me.

And you gave it to me.

Let's go get some garbage b... uh...

treasure bags.

What?

I know crazy.

I live with crazy.

And you're not crazy. What's the scam?

Okay.

I figured that if I could trick Bess

into thinking I was crazy,

she could trick Victoria
into coming to visit.

And it worked.

Well, now, she's here. Now what?

I haven't thought that through.

You really are Victoria's mother.

Well, now, I've gotta figure out a way

to get her to stay more
than just one night.

Can I trust you with my secret?

Absolutely.

In fact, I think
we should have some fun.

- What?
- Dial up the crazy.

Oh, no. I got the dud.

The dud is the cutest one.

I always wanted him.
I knew I could fix him.

Oh, dear. That was revealing.

Is that singing?

Oh, girls! Elka is absolutely wonderful.

Oh, Elka, would you be on my TV show?

Oh, I'd be delighted.

Aw, mom, they stopped shooting
your show 20 years ago.

Oh, will you stop it?

You sound just like that security guard

over in Channel Four.

Oh, look.

It's John Lennon and Yoko Ono.

Okay, so maybe we have a little problem.

Ah, Bess is right.

It's not just the messy house.

Mom's mind is going, and she needs help.

It's just... I'm not good at this.

It's hard.

I mean, we're at an age where
our parents need to be parented.

I just thank my lucky stars

my mother still smokes like a chimney.

Her lungs will go
long before her brain does.

Well, my parents signed up
for assisted living.

Assisted living?

What, they agreed
to be hooked up to machines

for the rest of their lives?

Not life support. Assisted living.

They're fancy retirement communities.

So you're saying just throw
money at the problem?

- I would never do that...
- No, no, I love it.

Problem solved.

Uh, Elka's going to the liquor store.

She says this house is
"criminally under-vodka'd."

And do you guys need anything?

No, no thanks.

Bess, I'm ready to talk about mom.

Oh, we'll give you your privacy.

Hey, can we take the easy bake oven?

Oh, you do know there's
a real oven in the kitchen?

Yeah, but if it doesn't
have a light bulb in it,

we don't know how to make it work.

I've solved it.

Okay.

I'm gonna set mom up

in assisted living here in Canoga Falls.

And... and I'll pay for everything.

And, that way, you can still
look in on her every day,

but you don't have to deal
with all the hoarding.

And it's a win-win.

No, uh, that's a great idea.

Um, there's just one little hiccup.

I won't actually be here.

Um, do you remember cute
Hank Dawson from high school?

The guy with the lazy eye?

Well, yeah, he got that fixed.

But, um, yeah, we found
each other on the Internet,

and we... we really hit it off.

Oh, well, great!

So now, you can spend
more time with him.

Well, yeah, that's the plan,
but he's in Arizona.

So we're gonna buy a Winnebago,

and we're gonna motor-home
all over the country.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

So you're quitting everything

to go travel with some cross-eyed man?

Why didn't you tell me
that you were doing something

so desperate and ridiculous?

Gee, maybe I thought
you'd say something snide.

Oh, please.

Now, I have never been anything

but a supportive, loving sister to you,

a chic, sophisticated role model
for you to look up to.

You know, Victoria, you know,

I finally have a chance
to get out of this house,

and get out of this town,

and do something fun with my life.

Okay, I... I... I understand that.

But there's no one to take your place.

I... I don't know how to be
the responsible one.

It would... it would be
like switching roles

halfway through a play.

Not everybody's in your play.

I'm in my own play,

and I want it to have a happy ending.

Hey, girls! What's the buzz?

Oh, God. Forgot about the puppet door.

It's the reason I never had boys over.

Best birth control ever.

Hi.

So what are you two talking about?

Oh, we're just talking
about Bess and Hank Dawson.

"Lazy eye" Dawson?

What about him?

Well, you know,
we've... we... we've reconnected.

And we're... we're gonna get a Winnebago,

and we're gonna travel
all over the country.

And then, I'm gonna go to Arizona

and live with him.

What?

You live with me.

- I know, mom.
- No, no, no.

You can't leave me, Bess.

I... I... I'd be lost without you.

I need you.

You do, don't you?

I guess I could... I could talk to Hank...

Mom, no.

Um, Bess needs to go.

And besides, it's... it's my turn
to spend time with you.

So you're gonna come to Cleveland.

And I am gonna set you up

in the best assisted living I can find.

Oh, it's gonna be great.

So what do you say, mom? Huh?

So she agreed to move to Cleveland?

Yes, and I feel really good about it.

And you know why?

'Cause my best friend is one of the best

assisted living facility finders
there is.

I did do really well
with my parents, didn't I?

Hey.

I know what you're up to.

Mm, what smells so good?

Mm, it's easy bake cake.

When I was a kid, I wanted
that cake at my wedding

to Bobby Sherman.

Mm.

For me, it was Rod Stewart.

I was so mad I was too young for him.

Now, I'm too old for him.

Hey, Tori.

I just wanna thank you
for what you just did.

Hey, we both know I was long overdue

to help take care of mom.

And don't you worry.

I will take excellent care of her.

Where is she?

Huh, I thought she was with you.

I went too far!

They're gonna shove me in a home!

They wanna drag me out of my house,

and dump me in an old folks'
home in Cleveland.

I told you you were playing with fire.

You told me to dial up the crazy.

In my defense, that can mean anything.

Now what am I supposed to do?

I mean, I love Victoria. She's my light.

But Bess... Bess is my rock.

You have to let Bess go.

Maybe you should let Victoria
be the rock for a change.

I tried to keep a straight face.

I really did.

I mean, what is this about?

Me moving to Cleveland at my age.

Why not?

- What are you, 80?
- Not yet.

You're a kid.

Tell Victoria you want a condo
with a lake view.

Well, that might be okay.

One question, though.

How's the puppet scene in Cleveland?

I'm proud to say I have no idea.

I'll tell you what crazy is...

pretending to be crazy for months

just to get Victoria to visit.

Why didn't you just ask her?

I have been asking her for 12 years.

Now, now, can't we just stop
with the lies?

I'm 42 years old.
I think I can handle the truth.

Um...

Actually, the truth is
Bess is moving on,

and I should too,
so look out, Cleveland.

- Here I come.
- Oh, mom, that is great.

Yay! Happy family.

Let's have tiny cake.

Ooh. What flavor is it?

Hey, the flavor is "far-out vanilla."

Oh, my God. Look at this.

"Best before 1986."

So were you.

Elka, I may be wrong,

but aren't those guys over there
checking us out?

You're not in Canoga Falls anymore.

Things move a little faster
in the big city.

Oh.

Not that fast.

Nick, what are you doing?

Oh, I, um... I just wanted to come over

and say "hello" to your friend...

But I lost my courage.

This is my friend Penny.

- Uh-uh.
- Penny, this is Nick.

Hello, Nick. Nick, have a seat.

Oh, thank you.

Penny's moving to Cleveland.

Ohh... great.

She might need someone
to show her the sights.

Oh, yeah. Sure. Go... gosh.

You would need a lot of...

Oh, you mean me?

- Uh-huh?
- Oh, yeah.

I can do that.

But, you know, if we're going
to be walking,

I don't think we'll get to see
all the sights, but...

Uh, well, yeah, I... I'd like you
to show me around.

Well, I've got things to do.

Why don't you two get acquainted?

Oh, Elka.

I am so glad we had this time together.

Me too.

You remind me of someone.

Uh-huh.

You wanna make out?

As long as you're slow.