Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 15 - The Proposal - full transcript

4x15 - The Proposal

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

- Of course I'll marry you.
- I will!

Oh, God, yes.

Well, that's very
sweet of you ladies,

but I'm proposing to Victoria.

You sure?

I've always pictured
you with an older woman.

Actually, I have another ring,

but I'm worried that
the diamond is too big.



That sentence
doesn't even make sense.

Let me see.

[squeals] Oh!

- All right, very funny.
- What?

You're imitating me
in front of your friends?

No! Honest.
We weren't even talking about that.

But now we have to.

Uh, Alec saw a mouse in
our apartment last night,

and he made the cutest sound,

like a high-pitched squeal.

It was a manly gasp.

I made the same gasp when
Ohio state beat Michigan.

In gymnastics?

There's been a lot of mice
around because of the rain.



Oh, there was a cute one
in the mailbox this morning.

So they're here too?

I don't like them. They freak me out.

I understand.
Once, in India,

I was startled by a
crouching Bengal tiger.

Every man has something that
sends terror down their bones.

For me, it's tigers.
For Alec, it's mice.

So what was the squealing about?

Oh, Emmet is gonna
propose to Victoria.

Hey! Congratulations!

I have it all arranged.
On our way to Morocco tomorrow,

I'll have my plane land at Grand Cayman

so we can swim with the dolphins.
On my signal,

Victoria's dolphin will
dive to the ocean floor

and return with a ring box.

What is it?

Victoria's fourth husband
proposed to her by dolphin.

Oh, well, no worries.

I have a backup plan.

David Copperfield
will make the pyramids disappear,

revealing the Sphinx,
holding a sign saying, "marry me."

Second husband.

Also, Victoria had no idea

the pyramids were there
in the first place,

so it's kinda lost on her.

Oh! Hey, I know.

Why don't you have Billy
Joel sing your proposal?

I did that for my third wife.

She left me for him, actually.

Well, I'm sure we can
come up with something.

Well, it's gonna be difficult.

With Victoria's five
marriages and my four,

it's hard to find a unique way
to say, "I love you forever."

Why does it have to be so unique?

Maybe it's just because
I'm from Cleveland,

but isn't taking someone
to a nice restaurant

and telling her that you wanna spend

the rest of your life
with her special enough?

Special enough for Victoria? No.

She gives an acceptance speech
when you pass her the salt.

No, it has to have some
huge, surprising twist

that she would never expect.

She can't go on talk shows

and say that I just
proposed at a restaurant.

Wait a minute.

Maybe Alec's stupid idea
isn't as stupid as it sounds.

Maybe the twist is
that there is no twist.

Yes, what I like
about Alec's stupid idea

is that Victoria would never
expect anything so ordinary.

Let me "yes, and"
Alec's stupid idea...

and suggest we hide
the ring in a dessert.

Great! We'll go with
Alec's stupid idea!

And I know this is
presumptuous, but do you

think maybe we could all
go too so we could watch?

Of course.
We'll call it a farewell dinner.

That way, you can all be there
to squeal when I ask her...

or gasp in a manly way.

Well, at least I'm
not afraid of tigers.

Honey, you don't
have to be so defensive.

I think it's adorable that
you have a feminine side.

What?
I don't have a feminine side.

[whistle]
Ooh! It's my tea kettle.

Yeah, but just don't drink too much.

I don't want your leg bouncing
all through project runway.

Melanie, if you don't mind me saying,
I think you handled that terribly.

- What?
- You have to build up his male ego.

Alec is a man. Make him feel like one.

Maybe Alec would feel more like a man

if Emmet and I had a fling.

- How would that help?
- It would help me.

Okay, Alec's coming,

and I have a plan to
make him feel more manly.

Ooh! I can't open this jar.

And me wanting a pickle so bad!

- Hi, honey.
- Hey.

- You want me to get that for you?
- Yeah, thanks.

It's so nice having a man
around the house who can open...

What's plan "b"?

I can't get a good grip.

Do you have one of those
rubber grippy things?

Yeah, I think so.

Ooh, pickles.

Uh, don't feel bad.
Joy has man hands.

- And I don't?
- You know, forget the pickles.

Why don't you go out back
and chop us some firewood?

- Good idea.
- Have you ever handled an axe before?

Of course I have.
In high school, I was in

"Seven brides for seven brothers."

Should we call the
paramedics now, or wait?

9-1... I'm ready.

Hello, everyone.

Oh, honey, you have
mascara all over your face.

Oh!
Does anyone have a tissue?

- Oh, help yourself.
- Oh, thanks.

Why were you crying?

Oh, well, you know how
emotional I get when I'm happy.

And I was out shopping
for my trip with Emmet,

and I started thinking.

When I came here three years ago,

my career was in the
toilet, nobody wanted me.

And now...

there's talk of an
academy award nomination.

From you.

Still, there's talk.

And tomorrow, I am going to
Morocco with the love of my life.

Oh, honey, we're so happy for you.

- We're gonna miss you.
- Well, I'm gonna miss you too.

But you know what?

I am gonna be spending the
next three months with Emmet,

so how about I cancel the farewell
dinner and we have a girls' night instead?

[all react]
You can't do that, uh-huh.

Ah.

Well, um, because there's,
um, gonna be press there.

[excited whisper]
There's gonna be press?

Oh, I love press.

Oh, no, that means I only have, what...
six hours to get camera-ready.

That only allows me two times to hate
what I've done and start all over.

Ahh!

And one.

You're welcome.
My pleasure.

[camera clicks]

[winces]

My back is killing me!

I know, baby. I'm sorry.

But it is kinda hot that you
hurt it doing such a manly thing.

Yeah, well, I'd feel a lot
more manly if I weren't...

you know...

wearing your spanx.

WebMD said you had to wear
something to support your back,

And you couldn't even walk
before you put those on.

And on the plus side, you
have no visible panty lines.

I don't have any visible anything.
I'm like a Ken doll.

You are the most masculine man
here, and don't you forget it.

Well, thank you.

[wincing]

- Hello.
- Hey, Emmet.

- Alec.
- Emmet.

Well, it's all arranged.

After dinner, you and Joy will slip away

and hide this ring
in a chocolate mousse.

Ah, there's my girl.

What is she doing?

Well, she said she
wanted to stay in tonight,

so I told her that you had press coming.

- You do know she's crazy, right?
- Know it and love it.

Okay, the ring is in.

Oh, I am so excited.
I could barely make it through dinner.

Let me just smooth the top.

Mm.

This is so good!
And the best part is,

there are no calories
in proposal dessert.

Oh, I forgot that science.

Hey, hit me with that
proposal whipped cream.

- Mm. Mm.
- Mm.

Does this feel a little porn-y to you?

I don't care.

Oh, look at her out there...

fighting her happiness so
she doesn't ruin her makeup.

I can't believe we're not gonna
see her for three whole months.

The house is going to seem so empty.

You're living with Alec, and
now she's getting engaged.

Wait, engaged.

I've been so focused on
this proposal, I forgot.

Victoria's getting married
and she'll live with Emmet.

You're right.

She might not come back
to Cleveland at all.

Well, why are we even helping
with this stupid proposal?

[both laughing]

Because it makes her happy.

Well, we can be happy for her

and sad for us at the same time, right?

Yes.
But tonight's her night.

Come on, let's get the
mousse to the waiter and...

[gasps]
Where'd it go?

- Someone's taken it.
- Well, what do we do?

We just lost a $500,000 diamond ring!

I say we panic.

Okay, let's retrace our steps.

We put the ring in the
mousse. That was our only step!

And then we turned around.

- Aah!
- Aah!

What's going on?
We lost the ring.

But don't tell Emmet.

Just get Victoria to the ladies'
room while we look for it.

Uh, what am I supposed to say to her?

Just tell her to
reapply her foundation.

- How would I know that?
- It doesn't matter.

She's a woman. It's a criticism.
She'll believe you.

- Should I ask?
- No, no, no.

Victoria...
your foundation, it looks...

- What?
- Well, you know.

Oh, my god.
I'm hideous!

Look away. Look away.

Look away!

It's not in the kitchen.

Well, that ring did
not just disappear.

Where could it be?

Oh, my god, it's a ring!

Oh, no, I've been upstaged.

Of course I'll marry you.

False alarm! False alarm.

No, no, no.
Don't clap, don't clap.

See, 'cause he didn't really propose.

- What?
- Wait, wha-what are you doing?

We put this ring in the mousse.

- But I...
- Wait!

Oh, it's not our ring!
Our diamond is huge, this one's tiny.

Not that... that's not nice.

You know, it's good to be practical.
Want to buy a house one day.

He's a good one you got right here.

- So, how'd you two meet?
- Could you please go now?

They're engaged, everybody!
Engaged!

- You lost my ring?
- No, it's gotta be here somewhere.

Why did I ever sign
off on Alec's stupid idea?

Nowhere in my so-called idea...

There'll be plenty of
time to blame Alec later.

Right now, we have to find a way

to keep Victoria in the ladies' room
so we can find the ring.

Wait! How're we
gonna keep her in there?

I don't know. But
we have to be careful.

Victoria's very emotional right now.

- Everything makes her cry.
- That's it!

What was that clapping?
Is the press here?

- How do I look?
- Aw.

Well, at the risk of
ruining your makeup,

you look like the luckiest
woman in the world.

Oh, I am, aren't I?
I have dear friends and...

and a wonderful man who loves me.

- And he's rich too.
- So rich.

- Oh, I've gotta redo my mascara.
- Gotta go.

- Congrats again.
- Go away.

Oh, no!

The ring could be in any one of these!

Start digging.

Mm. It's a fantasy of mine
to be forced to eat chocolate.

- I am being forced,right?
- Mm-hmm.

We're doing this for
a friend. We're heroes.

Oh, my god!
It's a diamond!

- Wait, it might not be ours.
- It's huge!

It's ours.

I can't believe it.
You finally asked me.

Uh, Brenda, I, uh...

Um, Brenda, uh, I think
what he's trying to say

is there's been a little mistake.

What do you mean, "mistake"?

That ring wasn't
actually meant for you.

But you two seem like
such a great couple.

I'm sure there's a
proposal in your future.

When?
We've been together 17 years.

17 years?
What is your problem?

Still not sure?
Still don't know if she's the one?

I know, right?

But you agreed that marriage
is just a piece of paper.

You said you liked being like
Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.

Oh, all women say that.
None of them actually mean it.

God, I can't believe this.

This was such a perfect
night for him to propose.

Oh, sweetie.
[crying]

And I'm even wearing my
grandmother's antique blouse.

Yes, it's-it's...
it's delicate.

Thank you.

- You deserve better than this guy.
- You're right. I do!

Two words I now realize I
am never gonna say to you.

Brenda, wait!

Let her go, Kurt Russell, let her go.

- Let's get Victoria.
- Hey, Emmet, heads up.

Oh, forget all this
gimmicky dessert business.

I'm just gonna be in the
moment, speak from the heart.

I'll open the box and say, "your
soul completes me. Be mine forever."

[shrieks]

Wow!
Emmet Lawson's proposing!

To a dude.

[clapping]

- Why did you squeal?
- I saw a mouse!

You would've done the same thing

if a tiger scurried along the floor!

- You look so beautiful.
- We're gonna miss you so much.

Oh, stop!

You know when other
people cry I mirror cry.

And it's only gonna be for three months.

That's right.
Just three months.

All right, now, no more sad faces.

The press is gonna be here soon,

and I want the rest of
this night to go smoothly.

[excited chatter outside]

Hey, what's happening out there?

People are going crazy.
It turns out Emmet Lawson is gay.

Emmet...
what is this about you being gay?

Victoria, sit down.
There's something I need to tell you.

Oh, dear god.
I knew it was too good to be true.

I saw the way you were looking at
Alec as he sashayed across the floor.

Victoria, I've
spent the last few days

rehearsing the perfect
lines to say at this moment.

But now that it's here,
all I can think of to say is...

I love you.
I love you with all my heart,

and I want to spend the
rest of my life with you.

Oh, Emmet.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

- Victoria Chase, will you...
- U.S. Treasury agents.

Emmet Lawson, you are
under arrest for tax fraud.

- What!
- Wha... you must be mistaken.

This is Sir Emmet Lawson, the actor.

Thank you, thank you.
Tax fraud?

- Yes.
- I don't even do my taxes.

- Speak to my business manager.
- He was arrested at the airport,

which is why you've been
deemed a flight risk.

A flight risk? But we're leaving
for Morocco in the morning.

You have the right to remain silent.

Oh, he will be silent
in a second, I promise.

But please, please just let
him finish something first.

You sure you want me to?
I'm being arrested.

I would understand if
you want to postpone this.

My answer is not going to change.

Victoria Chase, will you marry me?

- Of course. I love you.
- I love you too.

[gasps]

I'm sorry, this is property
of the Government now.

It is stunning though, ma'am.

You're lucky to have a
man who wants to commit.

Not now, Agent Tanaka.

Darling, I do apologize
for this appalling proposal.

What are you talking about?

This is the best
proposal I have ever had.

My idea.

[sighs]

Well, it's all a big mess.

Emmet got duped by his business manager

and blindly signed papers
for some shady deals.

Now they won't even let him out on bail.

Oh, Victoria, I'm so sorry.

They wanna make a
celebrity example out of him,

like Martha Stewart.

But he's not tough like she is.

He can't carve a gourd into
a Japanese throwing star.

Look, Emmet is very tough.

He lived with wolves.
He lived with Anne Heche.

- He'll get through this.
- Oh, I don't know.

He could spend the next ten
years in jail. Oh, my god.

When he gets out, I'll be old.

Relax, that'd be true
if he got out tomorrow.

Elka, we're trying to stay positive.

- Honey, is there anything we can do?
- Actually, yes.

For just one moment, could we pretend

that the only thing that
happened tonight is...

I got engaged!

- Yes, you did!
- Congratulations.

Well, as long as we're
pretending everything's okay,

let's have some of that chocolate
mousse you brought home.

What's that lump?

Oh, no.
Another ring?

Keep in.
There it's gotta be in there somewhere.

It's gonna be worth it.